For over 14 years, I looked to my husband to make me feel secure and happy. To cheer me up when I was upset—which was often. Like possibly almost every day.
I expected him to shower me with attention, compliments, and affection constantly. No matter how I treated him.
Eventually, he started telling me that I was insatiable. No matter how much he did for me, I was never satisfied. I wanted more and more.
I became quite bitter and he got to the point he barely spoke with me, touched me, or wanted to even be in the same room with me.
I idolized him and ended up sabotaging the very intimacy for which I longed most. But I didn’t realize what I was doing. I thought he was 100% to blame for the lack of connection in our marriage and told him so often.
Since 2008, and my “blinding light experience” in the bookstore at our church where I saw the enormity of my sin for the first time, I have learned to depend on God first, not my husband. That is where my true comfort and healing are—in Christ.
If Greg, my husband, does comfort me or does something sweet, that is awesome, and I greatly appreciate it. But I no longer depend on Greg to heal my soul and fill me with abundant spiritual life. That is not his job.
I depend on Jesus and am satisfied with His goodness and love. Then I come into my marriage healthy and whole with an overflow to share rather than with an insatiable black hole of need in my soul.
For the first few years of my journey, Greg was still emotionally very distant and wounded. It was just God and me. I am thankful now for that time because I learned to be completely dependent on Christ and nothing else.
I had God. I had His Word. I had my journals and prayer. That was enough. Jesus was and is more than enough. Even after God healed Greg, I continue to look to Jesus to meet my deepest emotional and spiritual needs, not Greg.
No human can satisfy the deepest needs of our souls.
Jesus is my Source. He is my life. He Is love. He is my Greatest Treasure. He is EVERYTHING to me!
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.Phil. 4:11-12
Eventually, God slowly healed us both and our marriage. The last 9 years or so have been the best of our marriage. (I’m now 47 and Greg and I will celebrate our 26th anniversary in May!)
But I don’t center my world on Greg anymore. Not even now. I kept my new perspective and priorities, even after God healed us both. I never want to go back into that unhealthy, dysfunctional way of relating.
If I have Jesus, I can be content. This doesn’t mean I won’t have pain, sadness, or grief. I have had those things and I will likely have more of it because, in this world, Jesus said we would have troubles.
But if I have Him it means He will carry and strengthen me through anything that may come. He gives me His power and victory and His access to the Father.
He will cause good and beauty to come from painful times. He will never leave me or forsake me and nothing can separate me from His love! Not even a global pandemic!
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.Psalm 18:2
Have you struggled with codependency? What was the result in your life and marriage?
Have you experienced God’s healing and what it means to find contentment in Christ? We’d love to hear your story!
Need some encouragement, resources, or prayer? You’re welcome to share, as well.