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“Some Ideas That Helped Me Destroy My Marriage”

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From a dear sister in Christ in whom God has been working mightily. How I thank her for her willingness to allow me to share her story. May her experiences be a lighthouse that warns us not to follow in her same path, that we might not wreck our lives and marriages in a similar way.

The first issue I see is the belief that “feelings equal reality and truth.”

It’s better to regard feelings as lights on your dashboard that indicate there is a problem, than the whole gospel truth about something. Our feelings are usually clouded by our life experiences, hurts, and beliefs we’ve developed over the years. One’s faith has to be shifted to God’s feelings about things as shown in the Word, because His feelings and thoughts are never clouded by sin, hurt, or anything else.  They are always truth and reality.

  • When we depend on our feelings, we (may be) refusing to believe God. Our feelings will just continually reinforce themselves, leading us in an ever-tightening emotional circle that chokes us to death, as we bend to a false reality and try to require others to bend to it to.

The second issue I see is a root of rejection.

When that root is there in your heart, no matter what someone says to you or does to love you, it will get cancelled out. So the solution won’t be getting your husband to behave as you like him to because he isn’t the problem, the root is.

  • The greater weapon of warfare here is to be rooted in Christ and confident in our value through Him rather than reactive withdrawal into fleshly states and heart attitudes when we can’t get what we need from someone else.

It’s self-defeating to react to feeling rejected by rejecting that person – and it actually plays right into the devil’s mode of operation to kill, steal and destroy. In fact it amounts to repaying evil – real or perceived – with evil.

One thought about our feelings is that they can be part of the flesh that needs to be put to death. Our feelings tend to respond to how our mind interprets reality, so reprogramming our minds with truth will have the same effect on our hearts.

I’d hate to see anyone destroy their own lives the way I did because of these kinds of responses. I remember once some ladies who did prayer and intercession in our church at the time trying to counsel me to stop agreeing with the devil’s definition of who my husband was. I was having none of it. If he acted like a jerk then to me that’s who he was and I was going to say so! It made me mad to be asked to uphold his value when I felt he was denying mine.

What I didn’t get is that they were asking me to align my heart’s motives and thus, my words, with God’s intentions and plans for him, and to agree with God as to how God valued him, and to move away from being so self focused on what I wanted in the exact way I wanted it. I wish I’d been mature enough to listen.

My failure to listen resulted in my sin destroying a marriage/family/home. I could have been part of the solution but I didn’t have the maturity to take that kind of responsibility in my life. I wanted to be taken care of, not have to actually be responsible to take care. My ex-husband had some very immature behaviours including noticing every attractive woman.

I think because I was very needy and demanding in some ways, and would get mad if he did anything to negtively effect my self esteem, which was probably a bit of an idol at that time, this was to some degree a reaction on his part to my disrespect. The more I tried to control it, the worse it became. If only I’d focused on my attachment to Christ instead of to him, it would have turned out very differently. Hope this might have some helpful nugget in it.

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What are some destructive thought patterns you have seen in your own life or in other marriages? How has God helped you see the lies and embrace His truth and healing?

89 thoughts on ““Some Ideas That Helped Me Destroy My Marriage”

  1. This woman sought wisdom and it appears it was surely poured into her just like the Word promises, if you ask for wisdom you will not be denied. But make sure its what you really desire (James 1:5). My heart aches for her in the loss of something so dear, her marriage, but rejoices that the Lord will bless and help her move forward and use her testimony to help others. Over my years of walking closer and closer to the Lord I have learned without a doubt – if I stay in the Word, walk on the Word, and let the Word be my “truth” and not my emotional opinion – I will always win even when it may not feel so good or it may not be the way I want to do it or say it. God has always helped me weather the storms and I have seen him turn a situation around for my good and his glory that I indeed thought was an impossibility. I see such a lack of respect in so many marriages today that I want to shake them, but instead I do my best to push those emotions down and pray for them instead and try to lead by example in my own life. I cannot change others, only God can when there is a willing heart.

    1. Wanda,

      Yes, abiding in Christ is SO critical! We all DESPERATELY need Him every moment!

      My heart breaks for those who have no respect in their marriages. I was there once – and was blind. Greg and I were both so miserable. I know it is tempting to want to shake people. Not that it would help – but now I tend to want to just cry for women in these situations – because they just don’t know. They are deceived. They probably have no idea what they are doing or why they are so miserable. Yes, let’s pray for them and pray for God to intervene and that He might use us in any way He sees fit to bless these dear women (and men) for whom Christ died.

      And you are right – only God can open someone’s eyes and change hearts.

      Much love! Thanks for sharing!

      1. I’m so frustrated because I’m clearly still so deceived! I have been trying to be better about respect for probably almost two years now, and my husband says I still don’t get it. I’m really discouraged. 🙁 But I’ll keep trying the best I can, because I know I need to be obedient to the Lord the best I can!

        1. I just want to say I understand where you are and not to give up!!! I’m about 2 years in too and still making mistakes. But I know that I’m trying and that my hearts desire is to be respectful & to be a godly wife. Giving up certainly isn’t going to help anything! Hope this encourages you. 💜

          1. Thank you, Fellow Wife! It’s nice to know somebody can relate! I am determined to keep going, but I do have to guard my heart from wanting to quit or getting bitter because I can never seem to get it right. I don’t understand why it seems like my understanding is being shielded/the lightbulb is not turning on even though I’m really trying, because my “not getting it” is hurting my marriage, which I know is not God’s will.

          2. B,
            It took me an insanely long time to “get it” and my circumstances were very different from yours. I pray God will illumine your heart and mind and help you to see any sin in your life that He wants to get rid of. I pray for you to be totally soft-hearted and open to God’s Spirit, His Word, His truth and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit in your life.

            Much love!

          3. B, I feel for you. I’m a year and a half in. I still struggle with the roller coaster and getting decieved, bitter, angry, frustrated and hurt. I wanted a simple fix and there just wasn’t/isn’t one. I haven’t commented in a long time, months actually, but I am still here April. I’ll get there. One way or another. I’m too far in to quit now, although very tempting during trying times.

          4. Catherine,

            There usually isn’t a “simple fix” in the terms we would want there to be. I’m thankful that God is willing to take us through the right trials we need in order for us to grow and mature in Christ. It’s great to hear from you! How can we pray for you, my dear sister?

          5. I am still grappling why husbands demand for respect when some of them do nothing to earn it. Respect cannot be forced out of women. It must be earned, Men must be providers, protectors and abiding in the Lord for wives to be submissive. the Word clearly says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and wives are to be submissive to their husbands. While I agree that wives should be submissive to their husbands even if the husband does not love his wife, this may be very difficult to practice in reality. In some instances it may be detrimental to the wife to submit to her husband if he is not following the Lord as he may make decisions that are not aligned with God’s plans or his Will leading his wife astray. I know a family who is deep in financial difficulties as the husband is hard hearted and only thinks of himself. He made foolish decisions and lost his house and is now finding it difficult to support his children’s education.

            Mt 2 cents view in this matter is that the men who demand respect from their wives are those who are not very successful in the workplace or business or financially and as a result have a very fragile ego/pride so when they feel that the wife does not respect them, it is the final straw. The unbeliever husbands do not seem to have such issues with their wives. I read one of the comments under the heading “My husband does not protect me from my in-laws” that if his wife is rude or raises her voice with his family, he will not protect her. I find this callous and unkind. Unless the wife was rude without reason or provoked the in-laws, the husband’s duty is to protect the wife, not to side with his family. How can the wife ever respect a husband when he cannot even believe what she says and prefers to support his mother, siblings?

            I understand a soft answer and respect may alleviate a sticky situation but Jesus never suggested that a women be a doormat. Jesus fought for women’s rights. But many women are teaching contrary to what Jesus stood for just to please their husbands and to keep them soft and to maintain a skeleton of a marriage.Women are always taught to be losers and to take all kind of flak in the name of the Lord in order to maintain their husbands’s ego. It is “you forgive the husband no matter what he does and be respectful to him, otherwise the wife is the loser as she may lose her marriage.

            God is greater than Stan and he is able to protect a marriage on behalf of wife without the wife having to crawl. Husbands must be taught their duties and responsibilities to their wives, because if they do not fulfill their obligations or act sinfully towards their wives, God says he will not even hear their prayers. We should in fact focus on husbands who are not God fearing and continue to indulge in sin, causing their wives heartbreak, instead of diverting from the issue and push the blame on the wives, which is what many articles promote. When the husband sins, be soft and respectful and obey him and he will maybe be won over to Christ. Hell is real and anyone who is disobedient including husband and wives may end up there. Jesus was a champion for women’s rights and He is still the same today, unlike in some other religions where women play a second fiddle and hardly have any rights or even a voice. Let us not become like them.

            I hope you are not going to delete this comment because it is not in line with what you say. I strongly feel about this issue and want women who have been hurt terrribly by the one who promised to love cherish and honour them treat them like they have no worth. Even in cases where the marriage has failed or resulted in divorce due to the husband’s fault, God will hold the husband accountable and he will be judged. God will have many other blessings for the wife, The death of a marrige is not the end of the road.

          6. Gina,

            These are great questions and real issues – thank you for bringing them up! I actually have posts that address each of these concerns. And, of course, the Bible addresses them, as well – which is the most important thing.

            God does command husbands to love their wives unconditionally (Ephesians 5:22-33) and He does command wives to respect their husbands unconditionally (Ephesians 5:22-33). There is no qualifier. Scripture does not say, “Wives respect your husbands IF they love you as Christ loved the church.” The command simply is, “Wives must respect your husbands.” And the command for husbands is unqualified, as well. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” It doesn’t say, “IF your wife respects you, then you should love her.” The book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes this concept so well. It is the book God used to open my eyes to my disrespect for my husband 6.5 years ago.

            God also does command wives to submit to their husbands “in the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, I Corinthians 11:3, Colossians 3:18). This means, we are to submit to our husbands UNLESS our husbands are asking us to clearly sin. My post Biblical Submission addresses this, as well as the post Spiritual Authority. The post Spiritual Authority contains class notes from a class I took from a minister at my church that also addresses husbands’ responsibility and the responsibility of all people in God-given authority as well as the concept that we as believers are to submit to authority, but ultimately God is the final authority, never humans.

            Yes, a husband IS supposed to protect and provide for his wife. In the post “My husband does not protect me from my in-laws,” I am not saying husbands should not protect their wives, but describing what is likely to happen if a wife removes herself from the covering of her husband and instigates an argument or division in the husband’s family. If she is purposely rude or begins a fight, her husband is unlikely to protect her. I am not sure how a husband could protect his wife if she is attacking his family. He may need to ask her to leave. Then she would owe his family an apology. We are responsible for our own behavior. Our husbands should protect us. Yes. And we should treat others with kindness, respect, and the love of God (I Corinthians 13:4-8a) as God has commanded all believers to do. Husbands have responsibilities and wives also have responsibilities. We cannot force our husbands to protect us – we only control ourselves – but we can be the women God commands us to be by the power of His Spirit. Some husbands still won’t protect their wives even if their wives are not sinning or disrespecting their families. We can appeal to Christ in such a situation and seek His wisdom about when we may need to say something or extract ourselves from family situations, or when we may need to seek godly counsel (Matthew 18:15-17). We do not have to take abuse. But we should also not be abusing anyone ourselves. If someone is treating us like an enemy, God’s Word instructs us how to respond in Romans 12:9-21 – we are to overcome evil with good.

            Husbands are never commanded to demand respect or submission. Respect and submission are voluntary gifts that wives give to their husbands out of their love and reverence for Christ. Wives also are never commanded to demand love from their husbands. Love is a voluntary gift husbands give to their wives out of love and reverence for Christ.

            I don’t ever suggest that women be doormats. That is not godly femininity any more than women being controlling and disrespectful is godly femininity. It is also possible for wives to be “too submissive” or “too respectful” and put their husbands or their husbands’ approval above God. That is idolatry – and it is clearly huge sin.

            In Christ, women are never losers, my sweet sister! We are more than conquerors! We all, as believers, are commanded to forgive any offense committed against us. But we are never commanded to trust someone who is untrustworthy, or to follow a human authority into sin.

            Submission doesn’t mean my husband is always right.

            I agree, husbands do need to be taught their responsibilities. For a balanced view of husbands’ and wives’ responsibilities, please check out My Beliefs.

            I only teach wives here, in honor of Scripture prohibiting women from having authority over men in the church. But just because I am only speaking about wives’ responsibilities and about our sin, our obedience to Christ, and the things God commands us to do as women – it doesn’t mean that husbands are off the hook or that God’s Word does not still apply to them. It most certainly does and they have much greater accountability and responsibility before God and will answer to Him as the God-given leaders of families.

            I do share I Peter 3:1-6 with wives, because that is God’s prescription and command for how a believing wife can treat her husband to draw him to herself and to God. Ultimately, it will take the power of God’s Spirit to change a husband. But when a wife cooperates with God and obeys God, His Spirit is at work in that marriage and I have seen Him draw husbands to Himself this way many times.

            There are also times when wives may need to leave and separate, with a prayerful desire for reconciliation once a husband has repented of sin.

            Wives do have to confront their husbands about sin at times. And wives often do have to leave if there is true abuse or unrepentant infidelity or severe addictions or abuse or criminal activity. They are not bound to stay in such circumstances. I Corinthians 7 allows them to leave in such situations.

            When My Spouse is Wrong
            Do I Condone Any Kind of Sin or Abuse against Anyone?

            I hope you will see that I am not at all endorsing husbands to sin against wives and that I completely uphold all of Scriptures commands for husbands and for wives. I am focusing on wives here because I am only teaching women.

            Women have equal value before God according to Scripture (Genesis 2, Galatians 3:28, I Peter 3:7). For more info on this, you are welcome to check out Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – there is a free download available at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/ – it is edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem.

            Much love to you!

        2. B,
          I do think you may have extenuating circumstances that are making this more difficult. But I pray for God’s wisdom for Him to transform you to be the woman God calls you to be!

  2. I had written a letter that basically told my husband to start putting effort into our marriage or I was going to leave with the kids. I was going to read it to him tonight at our marriage counseling. This has inspired me not to do that. I am very heartbroken right now, and really dont know how to handle this. But thank you for this. I pray there is change, because I dont know how to live like this anymore.

    1. Ive been where you are before, and my heart aches for you! It was the most painful part of my life. I wish I could hug you through the screen. Just know there is always hope through Christ. Get in his word, pray like crazy for him to reveal to you the way through this. He can be your comforter through this time.
      I dont know any of your circumstances so I’m not sure if this will be helpful, but what saved my marriage was when I completly stopped trying to change my husband, getting rid of all my expectations. Instead I focused my energy on changing myself, and becoming the wife I wanted to be, even own though I didn’t believe my husband deserved it. I submitted to my husband, he became a different man all on his own. Then I was saved by Christ and learned what true submission was, and submitted to Him above all else and things have only gotten better.

      I just wanted you to know from a wife who’s been there and is now on the other side, that there is hope for youre marriage, that you can be happier then you ever thought. I’m praying for you!

      1. Sarah,
        Thank you so much for reaching out to our precious sister, MHMC!!!!

        I love your story and what you shared. I pray it might be a blessing to MHMC and maybe many others, as well.

        Much love!

      2. Hello Sarah, what a great encouragement. Don’t know if my husband will change but 2 weeks ago I got a wake up call and decided to stop to control my husband. I feel so discourage right now, my 3 years marriage still seem a mess wish no physical intimacy, communication difficulties, I feel so lost and depressed since few days, crying a lot, though, I have faith that God can turn away things and glorify himself, I have faith that my husband can love me as O really need, and even if he doesn’t I will learn to love him as God ask me. It is so painful, I feel like dying inside, but there is no other way. I just have to make it and lean on Jesus. Help me Lord, to go the other side.

        1. Lord,

          We lift up a Fellow Wife, B, Catherine and other deeply hurting wives and husbands to Your throne room in the highest heaven together today. There is so much pain. Sin and misunderstanding have caused division, more sin, discouragement, heartache, depression and despair in so very many marriages. We thank You for what Jesus has done for each of us on the cross. We thank and praise You that You are sovereign. We adore You alone and trust You alone! We rest in Your love and provision. We rest in Your providence. We pray for You to draw each of these dear wives and husbands to Yourself. Help them to experience You in powerful ways that they never have before. Let them experience the sufficiency of Christ to meet their every need. Let them receive the spiritual abundance You have provided already for them on the cross – let them not allow anything or anyone to rob them of the peace, joy, love, acceptance, purpose, fulfillment, strength, godliness, power, identity, and courage that is theirs in Christ. Let them be Spirit-filled, walking in Your victory on a daily basis. Help them to be still and wait on You. Help them to depend totally on Your wisdom and Your leading. Work in their husbands’ hearts to bring them to Yourself. Bring true conviction and repentance for these husbands and wives of every sin. Regenerate their souls. Let them become more and more holy and more and more like Christ. Use them for Your glory and Your kingdom. Make them fruitful and let them bring much joy to Your heart! Give these wives (and husbands) the resources they need to grow and flourish and for their faith to deepen in Christ.

          In the Name and power of Christ our Lord,
          Amen!

      3. I am going through a very difficult time in my marriage.. My expectations trip me up every time. Intellectual I understand keeping my expectations with my husband low. However my flesh and desperation cause me to have high expectations that he will suddenly wake up and not reject me any more. UGH.

    2. MHMC,
      I hope you have a chance to talk with your counselor tonight in private. I’m glad you are reconsidering – and pray you will seek God’s wisdom about exactly what to do. How I wish I could hug your neck!

      How is your time with God going this week, my sweet friend?

    3. Today in counseling I kept myself quiet, trying to give my husband the chance to speak first. After almost the whole hour was finished I asked him if he was willing to take divorce off the table. He said he couldn’t promise that. The counselor asked what it would take to take divorce out of the equation, and he said financial stability. He said he doesnt like being broke. I asked him if he was willing to give up his wife and kids for a bigger bank account. He couldn’t answer. I asked him again, and he said he really hated being broke. The counselor reminded him that divorce was very expensive. I asked again, if he was willing to lose his family for money. This time he said, “Not really”.

      We basically left with that being unresolved. Our time was up. I am devastated. My husband needs much prayer that God would destroy this idol in his heart. I am broken. I am at a loss. I considered Packing a bag and leaving tonight. But I realized that would not influence my husband to love. Please pray for me, and us.

      1. MHMC,

        I wonder – is there anything you can do to help the financial situation – as far as cutting spending or something that might help him feel more financially secure?

        What did the counselor suggest for you to do, my beautiful sister?

        Praying for God’s wisdom, strength, peace, joy, and healing. And more than anything I am praying for you to really get in God’s Word and fervent prayer to allow Him to work in you and to nourish and strengthen you for this battle. Your husband is not the enemy, my precious friend. But you do both have an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy. Praying for God’s intervention and His greatest glory. But you will have to be strong in your faith and in God’s Spirit, which means that time with God is going to have to be your number one priority, in my view.

        Much love!
        April

        1. My husband is upset that our $10,000 savings is gone. This happened because I was unemplyed for almost a year. We were on food stamps. And he played a partb in me losing my k ob and not being able to get . Licensed for a new job. I told him last night, if hes going to continue to place blame on me dor our financial situation, then hes going to jave to blame himself too- because he certainly played a part in it.

          I am currently working two jobs. I am putting money in savings. We are living very frugally. Its hard to think of ways to save even more when we aare already giving up so much. Right now, I just feel im doing the beat I can with what i have. I trust God to bbc.co us theough this. My husband however, thinks im somehow supposed to do more than I am. I cant accept that right now. Hes coming from a very selfish place in that thinking. He does not work as much as he could. He is shifting blame to me to avoid reaponsibility.

          1. MHMC,

            I remember what happened now. Thank you! Yes, he did play a part in you losing your job – so, I agree that he needs to shoulder some blame himself. Goodness. Such a mess.

            What is it that he thinks you can do? It sounds like you are doing quite a lot right now – all that working makes it so hard for you to have the time you need with God, too.

            Praying for God’s wisdom and direction and intervention, my sweet friend!

          2. One of our first counseling sessions she had us make a budget. Mine and his (becauae hes always wanted our finances separate). The bottom line was the same. We each paid the same percentage of the bills in comparison to our income. I reminded him that when we look at our budget, I have nothing more to give than he does. Im not really sure what he thinks I can give. Im pretty sure this is more about him shifting blame than it is about money. He bought a book on divorce before I ever lost my job or spent a dime out of the savings, so I think hes just trying to figure out why he feels the way he does. Certainly doesnt make it any easier to live with. Im feeling so rejected by him. I go back and forth between wanting to leave and convincing myself to stay. I beg God for understanding. Im still trusting God-or get us through. I have a job interview on thurs. I dont think more money will solve our problem, but im willing to seek better employment for my husbands sake- as long as ky children dont suffer for it. Your prayers are very appreciated.

          3. MHMC,

            More money may not solve the problem – but it may expose more of his sin and issues – which may be good. How I long for you to be able to just work one job!

            Praying for you, your children, and your husband -for God’s wisdom, direction, power, strength, joy, peace, and healing.

    4. Thank you MHMC for this post. I read this tonight-it’s 1:15 am-and I can’t sleep. I am in the same boat. I think I am learning here and from praying and asking God to speak-YELL-actually at me that we need to trust God to provide for us and to make what He wants happen. And to take care of ourselves in the meantime by being with friends, children, service, prayer, happiness in any way. I do not know what my husband will choose, but I know that God is showing me how I can choose to trust God’s will and make God my “idol” not my husband or my marriage. I can only control me. The pain and hurt will go away. I feel good knowing I am doing what God wants despite how much this hurts. So, I am saying a prayer for you tonight. Prayer for you to give it to God when you are at your lowest.

  3. Divorce does not have to be the end… it can be the beginning of something new between the two.
    Lazarus died before he was resurrected. God does heal hurting marriages… even dead and divorced ones! Nothing is impossible with God.
    I hope this lady who wrote this is standing for her marriage, for the vow she made for life, regardless of the circumstances!
    Please check out a wonderful ministry for hurting and dead marriages at rejoice ministries.org or stopdivorceradio.org

    Be encouraged!

    1. This is the second time in the past week i have come across rejoice ministries. I have been asking God to confirm to me if i should keeping having hope for reconciliation or was it time to give up. I don’t feel ready for divorce despite over a year separation.

          1. I would be lost without ThePeaceful Wife too. Wow, I am so thankful that another sister in Christ suggested you to me.

            Question. I see a lot of book recommendations. If you were to recommend you top 3 to 5 books on marriage, respect, etc
            What would they be?

          2. Betsy,

            Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

            For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

            Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

            The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle – many things are VERY practical and helpful, but not a Christian viewpoint, so be very cautious – you will need to skip over some material

            The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace – the only thing I didn’t completely like was the chapter about confronting our husbands about sin, there seemed to be one sentence in each example that sounded kind of disrespectful to me. Lots of practical ideas and some great help at examining lies and replacing ungodly thoughts with biblical ones. Really great book!

  4. It’s very dangerous to only think of self. When you’re married the ‘I’s turn into ‘We’s and most outings turn into family trips. Some things within our surroundings tell us to go on our feelings and these are the only things we should go on.

    This is very dangerous in marriage and the root cause of so many divorces today. Very few are willing to acknowledge this since they have so much support from those that is cheering them on. An woman going on her feelings is almost as equal a nuclear bomb in a marriage. A man going on his feelings is the same. Depending on the person they could be planet crackers, a weapon that can destroy a planet, in a marriage.

      1. I have been living by my feelings throughout the twenty years of marriage..oh my have I missed the mark. Can you suggest a couple of easy to remember scriptures that I can pray on and keep in my heart so that I live in Biblical truth not Betsy’s brokenness.

        1. Betsy,

          I have a post about if we are basing our marriages on our feelings and emotions.

          Here is another post “You Cannot Go on Feelings.”
          The Value of Feelings

          It is possible to make emotions our idol.

          Here are some verses to replace the tyranny of our emotions. We don’t have to be controlled by them, we can be controlled by God’s Spirit!

          Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

          Also, the chapter of Galatians 5 is very helpful. 🙂

          And Philippians 4:4-8.

          Much love, my precious sister!

  5. We all have regrets, the important thing is if she is growing towards Christ and there seems to be evidence of that in her life.

  6. Truly, this post is an answered prayer made just this morning for God to help me see what I am missing. I struggled all weekend on how to tell my husband when he hurts me. I wondered if in the past I talked too much about feelings or not enough. Was I too open about them and it hurt him? Or was I not being very fair by not letting him know how I felt. I now see that the feelings are not the important part. They can lie to us. They are not to be trusted. I can tell him my needs and wants. But right now, I can’t even trust my feelings, let alone ask for help from my husband who is battling his own hurts and wounds right now. I might be able to work through them with a godly female mentor, but it is too great of a burden to place on my husband to fix. It makes him feel like he has to fix something more that he created. We really need to compare our feelings and attitude with the bible and how God feels about things and people. That mindset can put us back on track and give us the right perspective, one you can always trust.

    1. LMS daily115,

      It can be so hard to find the right balance when deciding whether to talk about our feelings or not. This definitely requires God’s Spirit’s wisdom!

      I’m glad that you seem to be seeing some direction from God in your pain. Praying for His wisdom and power for you, and healing for you and your husband, as well as your marriage, my beautiful sister!

  7. I too have been struggling with the root of rejection. I think it is helpful for both the husband and the wife to be aware of these tendencies; that way, he can understand her response and they can work together. He, understanding that rejection can trigger the feelings, and thereby reassuring her. She, having his guidance and reassurance, can learn to not have such a hair trigger. Our husbands are so helpful when they can ratchet down emotions and reach out to us in the midst of our fears. Once the emotions go down a little, then the wife is able to think a bit more clearly. The tried and true: “IS THIS TRUE? IS THIS REALLY TRUE?” can help sort things out ( capitals for emphasis, not for volume). But it still needs to be said : It is helpful if husbands can understand and help. But even if husbands can’t understand or are unable to help, we see that a way forward can be done through the Holy Spirit.

    1. Marked Wife,
      This approach would be ideal, in my view. Things are much better when we can work together as a team against these difficulties and the attacks of the enemy. Thank you for sharing! And I especially love that last sentence- YES! Even if a husband can’t or won’t help or understand, we can always go to Christ and His Spirit can give us wisdom, power, and the victory we need over the enemy. 🙂

  8. #1 lesson I’ve learned, or red flag: Being under the impression that their relationship would be better if their partner improved. Oh boy is that a red flag to me now. (that means you yes you need to improve yourself in the relationship)
    That was the story I had been telling myself for about 17 years… That took any responsibility off me except to keep trying to get my husband to change. When God showed me how arrogant I had been, I was mortified. How awful to be married to me. I was impossible to please. I was ready to end our marriage, since everything was his fault. Poor me… Boy that was the turning point and I had to hit rock bottom. God showed me my sin and that was the first day of the rest of my life. I am SO grateful and humbled. I could go on forever sharing my experience as it is the greatest gift.

    If you accept that you are married to a “good guy” no addiction issues etc, and your marriage is in trouble, well then read LOVE and RESPECT and be willing to understand what the crazy cycle is and commit to getting off of it and start taking accountability for your actions. and stick with it until your marriage improves.

    I am a mother with 2 sons and 1 daughter. I want to be a good role model to all of them and demonstrate the type of wife my daughter can hope to be and the type of respectful woman I want my husbands to marry.

    I have also learned that what matters is the dynamics inside the home. Meaning that how I treat my family when nobody is around is what matters most. How respectful and kind to my husband as opposed to anyone else in the world.

    And a reality check for me was learning that there is a parallel between my relationship with God and my relationship with my husband. and the reflection of my relationship with God can be seen in how well I take care of myself. When I learned this my relationship with God was as iffy as my relationship with my husband. And I didn’t eat right or exercise and my body was so weak.

    Today’s email reminded me my situation so much that I had to share.

    1. Becky, I can SO relate to you. I have blamed my husband for most of MY problems throughout our marriage. I feel like a fool. How long has it taken for you to see a change in your marriage😢

  9. I have had intense marital stress over the last two years, but I truly feel that the marriage is still together because I didn’t just walk out on him after finding out his history of lying and sexual sins. The title that the writer chose for this article made me sad…”Some ideas that helped ME DESTROY our marriage.” More than likely, she didn’t destroy it. I feel like she is taking the blame. While her insight to what she wishes she would have done instead are helpful to those of us who still have our marriage, I don’t think she should take so much responsibility. What about her husband’s behavior? I can boldly say that with God by my side, my actions and forgiveness have kept my marriage together. Not me alone but with God. Which leaves out my husband…he was not living like a married man. He was not fighting for our marriage. He was doing sexual acts that are abhorrent to a marriage. Yet I would forgive him and he would hardly have any consequences for his actions. So the behavior continued and continued. Instead of him feeling bad for what he did, he would find ways to hide it better. So my worst fear isn’t rejection or losing him, but living for the rest of my life in a marriage of lies. Even with God’s presence in my life, that is a dark, horrible place to be. Feeling wronged is a true feeling. What can I feel if not wronged? I would love to have at least one day where I’m not lied to by my husband. I am human and not perfect or a robot. This is where I am at right now. My submissiveness and and being quick to forgive, enabled my husband to indulge further into his sin. To Peaceful Wife: I would love a list of things that we are to strive for to be a peaceful, Godly wife. How do we know when we achieve it? Does it really mean not to show feelings of hurt? Since we aren’t perfect, what is our goal? What would it look like especially while my husband is acting out sexual sins behind my back? How does it not enable the husband to continue his behavior? Thank you.

    1. Victoria,

      My precious sister, in most situations, husbands and wives sin in marriage and hurt each other. There are very few situations where all of the blame for the destruction of a marriage is totally on one person – although I am sure there may be a few. I don’t believe this wife is taking full responsibility for what happened in her marriage – but I believe she is taking full responsibility for her sin and her destructive ways. Her husband had his own share of the blame, as well, to be sure.

      If a husband is involved in unrepentant infidelity – a wife may need to separate sometimes. This will require God’s wisdom and His Spirit’s power for her to know exactly what steps to take and when. I don’t try to write blanket statements for wives experiencing unrepentant adultery from their husbands. I don’t know what each wife should do in each situation. God does – and He is able to direct wives. Some believe He has called them to stay. Some believe He is prompting them to leave and pray for reconciliation. I support wives who are truly listening to God and seeking to obey Him in the midst of such a difficult, painful mess.

      Of course you would feel wronged. Forgiveness is not about saying that the sin was ok. Not at all. Forgiveness is about our absorbing the pain and cost of someone’s sin – but more than that, it is about us extending the grace of Christ to others that we have received. But if a husband refuses to repent and refuses to rebuild trust, a wife may not be able to trust him or rebuild trust until he is willing to be transparent and leave the other women and begin to honor his marriage covenant. God does allow for separation because there are times when it would just be too painful for a wife to stay. And, a wife does need to be able to show respect for herself and the marriage covenant. I don’t think I could stay with a man who continued to cheat on me. I would be devastated – and heart broken. I would want him to stop the sin and get the help he needed to get right with God first. My prayer would be for healing and reconciliation. I have seen God heal many such marriages.

      If you have confronted your husband and he refuses to change, please involve a godly, biblical counselor/pastor you can trust.

      Submission does not mean that we submit to sin or respect sin. I hope that makes sense. We ultimately submit to Christ. There are times when a wife would need pray much maybe even fast, and then – under God’s prompting – to say something like, “What you are doing is hurting me beyond any pain I have ever experienced in my life. I want to respect you and honor you as my husband. But I cannot live like this. I want us both to honor our marriage vows. I want to be able to trust you. I am totally committed to healing this marriage, but I cannot live with you until you are also willing to be totally committed to this marriage. It is not ok for you to be sexually or emotionally involved with other women. I respect marriage and I respect myself too much to allow you to continue to treat me this way. I want our marriage to be healed. Let me know when you are ready to get totally on board and rebuild our marriage and trust.”

      Being submissive and respectful is not about “not showing feelings of hurt.” We DO show our feelings. But we can do it in a respectful way.

      I often have disclaimers in my posts that I am not writing for women experiencing infidelity because I believe women experiencing that level of sin against them will need individualized one-on-one biblical counsel with someone in person who can get to know their specific situation and help them walk through that time of great trial.

      God does command us to forgive – because holding on to bitterness and resentment is toxic for us. But He does not command us to stay with an unfaithful husband. Some wives believe God wants them to stay for a time – if that is the case, then do what you believe God desires you to do. I don’t believe Scripture instructs believers to seek a divorce. But you can separate and pray for God to heal you both and to bring healing to the marriage.

      Here is a post about godly femininity in general.

      Here is a post about Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

      When My Spouse is Wrong

      Righteous Jealousy and Anger

      How Can I Tell if I Belong to Christ?

      A Peaceful Separated Wife

      Much love to you!

    2. I think Aprils advice is right on. I just wanted to say that we do not have to hide our emotions and feelings of hurt. We do have to be careful where those feelings are coming from, is it a manipulative place, a controlling place, a selfish place? Or is it true pain, real hurt? When I have expressed my true pain and hurt to my husband, bring completely vulnerable, those have been moments that have brought us so much closer together, and has been very healing. We can not let our emotions rule us, but God does give us emotions for a reason, do not be decieved into thinking we are to stuff it all in and become cold, that will not bring you peace, it will not restore intimacy. If it is something you can not share with youre husband bring it to God, do not stuff away you’re pain.

  10. So many wonderful comments. It so hard to know where to start. I know I have been disrespectful to my husband. I assume I know best as I have a college education and I am the breadwinner. My husband is a wonderfultimate man. I cannot read the blog fast enough! Any ladies who want to work through our struggles together? I know I could use the help and additional inspirstion.

    1. Kim,
      I can relate to your thinking!

      Y’all are all always welcome to share here on the blog anytime and work through things together – but if some of you want to email privately, that would be great! 🙂

  11. April, I am at the beginning of my journey. A little overwhelmed at where to start other than I am consciously trying to be more respectful of my husband. He is unemployed and wants to start his own business. I am practical, pay the bills, and worry about money. We don’t have a lot leftover after the paycheck. I am trying so hard to leave it in God’s hands!

    1. Kim,

      The posts at the top of my home page might be a good place to start. 🙂
      Where are you in your walk with Christ, my sweet sister?

      How are things between you and your husband right now?

      Would you like to talk about your expectations and fears?

      Another great place to start is this post.

      Much love to you!

      1. Things between my husband and I have always been really good . I found myself getting a little short with him later night while looking up some stuff on the computer . But I tried to immediately rein myself in. We rarely ever fight.

        My walk with Christ, well , being raised Methodist I always thought I had a relationship withe Him. I don’t know . I have always wondered why I never felt the way others described it?

        My fear is my husband will never get his business off the ground and we’ll lose everything if something happens to my job. I listened to your videos all day at work trying to glean as much as possible .

        IL start with the link you provided and any help in my walk with Christ will be a blessing .

        1. Kim,

          Would you like to talk about your relationship with Christ? Upon what is it based? Where is your hope and confidence? Where is your faith and trust?

          What do you understand and really “get” in your heart about God’s sovereignty when you face your fears? What do you believe God can and will do in your life even if the worst case scenario were to happen?

          Do you overflow with God’s peace and joy and contentment every day?

          Much love to you! We can walk this road together. 🙂

          1. April,
            You are asking some very hard questions, that I am no sure I have the answer to! And it is bringing tears to my eyes.

            When I was young we didn’t go to church regularly. It was not “forced” upon me ( I am an only child). It was an option, but it was also viewed as enjoyable. When I started to go back to church on a regular basis, my first husband, would not go as he was forced to go until they were 16. They were also Catholic. Then he accused me of turning into a “Bible Banger” which I never even spoke to him about church.

            I eventually quit going as I was feeling lost and pretty much forgotten by the people I met.But again I did not put myself out there. I was also (and still am) used to small country churches, not the mega churches where we lived.

            Divorce, life, living with someone toxic, and now moved on and married to my high school sweetheart. I used to take my MIL to the southern baptist church when she lived with us.A few times I was almost brought to tears and moved to the pulpit but never did. My MIL said my husband gave his heart to Christ at 12 I think, Different than myself being baptized as an infant. But really I suppose in the long run it doesn’t matter the church, it’s the relationship. Maybe I am trying too hard to “feel” what I perceive others feel?

            I do know that since I started re-reading here and putting forth a concerted effort to respect my husband, being kind, thanking him, I feel happier.

            I’ll need to really think hard about your questions. Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown?

            I think in a worst case scenario God will take car of us. I feel pretty confident about that, I think. 🙂

            You are a blessing in this journey. Thank you for walking with me, April.

          2. Kim,

            These are hard questions – some of the most important questions you will ever answer – in my view. 🙂

            If you need some time to think about your answers, that is totally fine! No rush.

            What do you believe allows you to have a relationship with God?

            How do you believe you can be right with God?

            Are you experiencing His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in your life on an increasing basis every day?

            Is your mind filled with His praises and with thanksgiving?

            Or are you trying to figure out how to make everything work out “right” and feeling stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, and anxious?

            I’m glad that you are feeling happier as you are treating your husband better. That is great. 🙂

            My biggest concern is your relationship with Christ. That is where it all has to start – that is what this entire journey is about. 🙂

            I’d love to talk through these issues with you and help you to see where you are and where you want to be by God’s power.

            Much love!
            April

          3. Thank you April! It is comforting to know you will be with me and help me. I will need to grab a journal and write down these questions and the previous ones. I know for a fact that I am trying to figure out how to make everything work out “right” and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid and anxious. Totally!

            I am trying. I know it is going to be HARD. Probably the hardest thing I have had to work for in awhile. But you know, I was really busy at work today. And usually it makes me stressed. But listening to your videos and reading on my breaks has kept me on an even keel.

            It will be a long journey, but I know I am not alone. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. Now I need to work on those relationships with Jesus and God.

            I am blessed to have your help, April! And I am so happy your husband agreed that you should minister to us!

          4. Kim,

            Where you are is where all of us are when we start this journey. So, you are in good company! 🙂 But I don’t want to see you staying in that awful place. Thankfully, God has made a way for you to be able to learn to trust Him, to understand more about His sovereignty, to rest in His love and peace, and to experience His supernatural spiritual blessings on a daily basis in your life. Once you taste His peace and joy – you will be hooked! You will never ever want to go back to this old way of living. 🙂

            The weird thing is – it is not about trying harder. It is very difficult and painful -especially at first. But it is more about learning more about who God is and letting go of control and letting go of fears and expectations. So it is pretty terrifying at first, if you have really trusted yourself a lot. But when you begin to truly trust God and walk in obedience to Him, allowing His Spirit to fill you up – you realize that trusting God is the best place to be in the world, and that the scariest place is trusting yourself or something/someone other than God.

            If you get stuck and want to talk – I am right here. The key to all of this is to be totally yielded to God and to be willing to challenge your old ways of thinking about God, yourself, your marriage, your husband, femininity, masculinity, and many areas of life – then being willing to trash anything that is not of God, that does not line up with His Word. And He will help you rebuild your life from scratch on Christ and the Bible and His truth. It is a total renovation and transformation of the heart, mind, and soul. First comes the tearing out of the yucky stuff. That part HURTS! But it leads to such joy.

            There are tons of posts here that I believe will bless you and help you. If you are interested in reading about specific topics, let me know. 🙂

            Much love to you! I’m glad you experienced more peace yesterday. 🙂 God is so very good!

  12. Learning how to respect my husband gave me great preparation for dealing with Asperger’s. My husband does not want to accept that label but it has given me a great sense of serenity when I felt loneliness for so long. Sometimes a wife really can do everything ‘right’ and her husband has a wall up that has nothing to do with her. I am thankful for intimacy with Christ and how God is using my husband’s difficulties to really refine me. I can say that genuinely. We are starting at ground zero with learning respect for each other and developing a sort of “rules of engagement” that allow us both to see behaviors v. distorted perceptions more clearly. We may move through friendship and eventually get back to intimacy but in the meantime we are more focused on establishing peace between us so as to keep our marriage. I think my husband feels relieved and a bit confused that I’m not pushing connection so much. I am not resting in my husband’s love right now. I am resting in God’s plan for us- whatever that may be.

    Thanks for a great post to keep perspective. We are sisters on this journey. It is such a blessing to have a place to share sorrow and victories. I have met people married 50 plus years who have shared that marriage over a lifetime is tough and that you can have a bad decade. It sounds crazy but I understand that now.

    1. Refined,
      It is wonderful to hear from you, my dear sister! I’m glad that you know more about what is going on now – I’m sure that makes it much easier for you to understand why he acts and thinks like he does. I love that you are resting in God’s plan and His love. That is the best place to be in the world!

      I love you and am praying for God’s wisdom, power, love, healing, and His Spirit’s guidance for you both!

  13. This could not have come at a more appropriate time for me. This is some powerful stuff. Sometimes I think I have this marriage/respect business downpat, and then I end up “falling off the wagon”. Then I end up feeling very contrite for my bad actions, attitude, and disrespect. This is one of those times. This was a great reminder to me how much I really do love my husband, how he is my hero, how he deserves my respect. It is easy to believe the lies of satan when you are dealing with stress…you think it is an easy solution but nothing could be further from the truth. Only God is Truth. To always love, that is the key for me, and the way of Our Dear Lord.

    1. Mrs. G.,
      I’m so glad that this was a blessing to you. God’s timing is amazing! 🙂 Praying for His wisdom, power, love, peace, joy, and holiness for you, my dear sister!

  14. The closer I get to God the more I find myself NOT caring about what my husband says and does anymore. It is ironic that the more I know God, experience intimacy and security and fellowship with Him, trust Him and see Him meeting my every need, the less I feel reliant on and close to my husband. I worry that this is wrong and I’m becoming cold hearted to my husband in a way. And I do think that it’s a way of protecting myself from being hurt by my husband as I was in the past. My husband likes to say, the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. And that is what I feel about emotional and physical intimacy with my husband most of the time, apathy. Is this a form of helplessness, hopelessness, depression? I really want things to be different. I just don’t see how that can happen. Anyone?

    1. Sealebacon,

      As you grow closer to God – you may realize you don’t desperately NEED your husband. You may realize that Christ is sufficient to meet all of your needs. But as you grow closer to Him, He will also give you His love, His eyes, His perspective, His mind, and His heart about your husband – whom He dearly loves as a son.

      If you find yourself becoming apathetic or cold hearted – my guess would be that there may be bitterness, resentment, unresolved anger in your heart or unforgiveness possibly. The reason I say that is that when we truly love God – we will love people with His love. The book of 1 John is all about that. I invite you to read that book this week.

      Do you know why you want to protect yourself?
      What are the general dynamics in your marriage?

      Are you experiencing God’s overwhelming peace, joy, and contentment every day? Are your thoughts centered on Phil. 4:8 things, praise, and thanksgiving?

      God’s love is not super concerned with self-protection – as evidenced by the cross. God’s kind of love is described in I Corinthians 13:4-8a. There are times we may need to separate from our husbands if they are involved in unrepentant infidelity or criminal activity. There may be times we can’t trust them if they are not in their right minds, or they are involved in an addiction. So, there can be times when we must step back to protect ourselves. But many times, loving in marriage is not about protecting self – but about seeking God’s greatest glory and what is best for the other person. It takes the wisdom and Spirit of God to help us know the difference – when to step back vs. when to continue to give in love even when we are not receiving what we need in the marriage.

      Righteous Jealousy and Anger
      Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
      When My Spouse is Wrong
      Exploring the Depths of Bitterness
      Finding God’s Victory over Bitterness

      1. Yes, you’re right. I am very grateful that I do not desperately need to control my husband and have his attention all the time. But I feel sad about the same thing, at times, like the passion I once had for my husband and other things that were meaningful to me is just gone. I am stay at home mom to 6, 8 and 12 year olds. I met my husband at work and then started staying home after we got married and had our first child. I feel frustrated much of the time in this role because I know this is what’s best for our family but I was used to earning a paycheck and getting those pats on the back that come from a job well done at work, and now I feel like most of my “work” is fairly meaningless. I KNOW it isn’t but I FEEL like it is. You know?

        And, yes, I have to constantly be vigilant about turning over jealousy, bitterness and unforgiveness to God because my husband was unfaithful to me during at least the first 4 years of our marriage. This involved both men and women and continues to be a sore spot for me. Because my husband never revealed anything voluntarily, and it came out in dribs and drabs, I often feel like I still don’t know the whole story. Our enemy loves to poke me where he knows it hurts, trying to make me question my husband’s motives and my attractiveness and the sincerity of our marriage, all that junk. We don’t ever talk about it anymore but I am full of questions. I question whether my husband is attracted to X woman or Y guy that we see on tv or out in public. It just eats me up, if I let it. I want it all to go away once and for all, or in lieu of that, I want to feel nothing rather than crazy and anxious.

        I do feel closer to God than ever before in my life because this betrayal really drove me to him. And he has been faithful to meet all my needs. I pray daily and I read his word almost daily and we go to church almost every week. My kids and I are definitely being cared for by our Heavenly Father. I just can’t seem to escape these nagging feelings. I wonder if I’m living with my head in the sand rather than being open to what God would/could reveal to me and my husband if I just had the courage to speak up.

        I don’t know. Confused.

  15. My husband left two weeks ago. It’s been almost about a year in my journey to become more respectful when my husband told me last year he was t happy. He was having an emotional affair with a coworker. They haven’t talked in that way since last fall. He still deals with her because he still works there. As I write this out I sound like a crazy person, that he still works there. He works our of the office a lot and hasn’t been there since February. He goes days without talking to our almost there year old. I’ve been trying to give him the space that he needs and praying. I’ve been going to adoration every day and praying that God keep our marriage safe and that he opens his eyes to see what he is doing to our family. My heart breaks for him. I do not know what he is going through. But the feelings he developed for this girl has definitely effected him.

    I pray that The Lord send him a job closer to home and tear apart any soul ties that have him feeling for her.
    If it weren’t for my wedding vows and the fact that I know God can restore us I would have left but I do love my husband. Since all of this has started I actually love him in a different way a deeper way.
    😔 I’m feeling down and will see my counselor tomorrow. He doesn’t want to go to counseling and started taking anxiety medicine about 3 weeks ago. Many of these things describes here are things I did. But my eyes have been opened and I’ve worked so hard on asking God to fix me. My husband says I do everything perfect that it’s not me. It him.

    Hopeful, Lmd

    1. Lmd,

      Such a heartbreaking situation, my dear sister! I wish I could give you a big hug!

      I love your heart for Christ and trust in God in this fiery trial. I love what God is doing and how He is changing your perspective. I think it is very telling that your husband is having so much anxiety – and probably guilt. That might be a good thing. We will pray together that God will reach his heart and that He might bring your husband to Himself first of all. And we will pray for healing for your marriage. I pray for God’s Spirit to empower you to walk in obedience to all that God calls you to do and to have the joy, peace, power, patience, gentleness, wisdom, and direction of God each moment. I pray you will stay in God’s Word and in fervent prayer, allowing God to work in you to make you more like Christ and allowing God to work in your husband’s life.

      I have seen Him change and heal many people in circumstances like this. I pray you might be greatly encouraged. I pray for wisdom for your counselor, as well.

      Much love to you!

      1. I saw my husband this weekend at a birthday party and he didn’t talk to me or his son for the first 5 hours that we were there. He went and met with a divorce lawyer 😞. I don’t know what happened to him but his heart is cold and he acts like everything is grand. He laughed and joked with people while I got pity looks. I’m so sad for him and my son. My 2.5 year old asked why daddy was not coming with us. He said “mommy, daddy just don’t want to?” I said no not right now. It breaks my heart that it seems as though he doesn’t care 😔

        1. LMD,
          I pray for you to be able to focus on Christ and allow Him to renew your heart, mind, and soul and to heal you, empower you, strengthen you, and give you His wisdom. I pray God will work in your husband’s heart, as well – and that ultimately, Christ might be greatly glorified in you both and in your relationship.

          I wish I could give you a big hug, my beautiful sister!

          1. He already filed for divorce. My heart breaks but I realize I haven’t been fair cause he is a huge idol. I’ve been trying to focus on my walk with Christ. I hate to talk to him cause I say ugly things. I’ve been praying that I can be loving and kind but I am so angry at him. I went talk to our priest and he told me about a story that his best friend had an affair with his secretary. He said that throughout his time away his wife remained faithful, prayed, and fasted. Her husband started dating his secretary and his wife just remained faithful. He eventually came home a changed man and they have a very beautiful marriage today. During some time with The Lord that day I prayed that he show me what He wanted me to do about our marriage. I got home and turned on my tv to The Word in the World with Father Manning and he had a guest speaker Janice Carleton. They talked a lot about her walk with Christ and then just general life issues. Next came adultery. She told of a story of a friend which was the same story that Father told me the day before. I started crying and I know that’s what God is asking me to do. He is working in my husband and needs for me to pray, fast and remain faithful. Although my husband thinks I deserve better and he messed up so it’s over, I believe God wants to teach him about His love, mercy, and grace. It will be so hard especially if he does not remain faithful but I know God will give me the strength if He is asking me to do this.
            No more idols. Working on my walk with Christ and getting out of His way! I claim victory over the restoration of our marriage in Jesus’s name! Amen

            God Bless!
            LMD

          2. Laura,

            Wow. I love how clearly God is speaking to you and that you are listening!! I am praying for His power for you and for His Spirit to fill you and to enable you to be the woman He calls you to be and for you to walk in obedince and holiness as God flows through you.

            Thank you so much for sharing!

            Let me know how we can encourage and pray for you!!

  16. Hello A fellow wife, B and Catherine,
    I know who you feel too. I ‘be made some progress in this 2 year journey but still blow it more than I want. Few days ago I felt upset for a tiny thing and raised my voice on my husband. He said I’m so complicated, I justified myself but later on, reflecting on that I had to admit to myself that I am really are. I want to be such a godly wide, read this blog and others, read books, do my best…. but still fail more than I wish. It is part of the preocess, and even if we think we don’t do any progress, I think that we do it but don’t notice it as we don’t notice how our sons grow. It is discouraging sometimes but let’s not quit. Better things are ahead even if it may think unreachable. But it is, we’ll make it, don’t lose hope, God can turn our marriage upside down in one twinkle. Let’s have faith despite the circumstances, He is the almighty and he can do everything. Big hugs

  17. Last night I wanted to talk to, my husband about counseling. Our planned sessions are almost up, and wanted to add two more. He disagreed. I told him I would leave it up to him, but if he chose not to go, I would still go by myself. I wanted him to know that he was free to make the choice, I was not going to demand anything from him, I was also standing up for myself, and sticking with my need for help in our marriage. He is very negative about the whole counseling thing. He feels the counselor is n laying him for the marriage problems. A little later I asked, what could I do that would help him see me more positively? (He admitted in Counseling that he has negative feelings for me). He said, “I dont know. I dont think its you, I think its more me.” Later in the c onversatoon I asked, “when did I stop being worth fighting for?” He said, “I dont know. I cant answer that”. I went in my room to cry and pray. I was only in there a minute. I prayed for strength, and immediately God gave me courage. I grabbed our couples devotional which we’ve been given the assignment to read together. He has not been enthusiastic about this. I showed it to him, and he agreed to hear me while I read it. He thanked me afterward. When we went ro bed, I put my arm around him, (as I always do) and t hi is time he held my hand. I am choosing not to be hurt and offended right now. By loving him theough this I pray he starts to have loving feelings again. Time will only tell, but Hod has helped me so much to be reapectrespectful, less demanding and patiently waiting. I would normally fall apart and cry for hours when faced with this emotional rejection from my husband. But last night I had strength. I thank God dor that.

    1. MHMC,
      WOOHOO!
      PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

      He can give you the power, wisdom, courage, strength, peace, and joy you need in this trial. I am thrilled about what God did in you and through you and in your husband last night. That is AWESOME! THANK YOU for sharing, my dear sister!

      1. I forgot to mention that after he refused more counseling I asked if he’d at least go speak to our pastor about his spiritual battles. (He is really struggling, to the point where I don’t actually think he’s a believer). He agreed, and he allowed me to make an appointment with the pastor for later this month. I do not know I’d it will help, but I trust God to move in him.

        I also had a job interview for a full time job yesterday. I am not enthusiastic about this job. It will be a huge time commitment, and I will need to travel and commute. Right now i am working two very low paying jobs, but I am close to home and available for my kids regularly. I am concerned about the time away this new job would create. I am putting it in God’s hands. If I am offered the job I feel obligated to accept because it’s what my husband wants (more money). Prayers for God’s will and trust in God’s provision is appreciated.

  18. I am a 27yr old wife with 3 kids. I had known my husband 4years before we got married. I had no plans for marriage at the time. I believed we got married because 1) we both gave our heart to the Lord and realized that we were living in sexual sin, we actually had our children outside of marriage and 2) we were well under pressure by the church to get it done. I didn’t have good role models growing up nor did my husband. There were alot of lies and cheating going on, this was the norm, what bad habits I saw growing up in my parents marriage has haunted me and I have carried those fears into my own relationship with my husband. Marriage is real tough. I’m struggling hard with insecurity I constantly think little of myself, I can’t stop comparing myself to attractive, working women who have all that I always wanted as a wife. I hear myself say I’m not pretty enough for my husband. I live in fear everyday that my husband will leave me. I’m very ashamed of who I am as a Christian, I should be over jealousy and insecurity by now but I’m not. I know its not Gods fault but my own. I really don’t know what to do with myself. At the rate I’m going my husband will leave me for sure. I am desperate to save my marriage…

    1. Veronica,

      My precious sister!!!! It’s wonderful to meet you, but how I hate the things you are telling yourself – these lies are very toxic!

      How is your walk with Christ going now?

      Would you please search the following terms on my home page search bar and read the posts about these topics and let me know what God is speaking to you?

      – fear
      – insecurity
      – security
      – taking thoughts captive
      – totally change your reality
      – contentment

      Why do you believe your husband will leave you?

      Why are you ashamed of who you are as a Christian?

      Your greatest fear is that your husband will leave you? Any other fears?

      What do you believe you need most to be happy in life?

      Much love to you!

      1. Veronica,
        Oh! And I would also encourage you to read Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. AWESOME resource to help you combat those sinful lies with God’s truth that sets you free!

  19. I, too, agree with Gina stating that Jesus was concerned with womens’ rights and always treated them with care and compassion, unlike the rest of the society at the time.

    April, I have found your blog a lifeline and stumbled upon it when I typed into Google, “Should I stay or should I go?” I find you have much of worth to say and as you do, feel that our time here on earth is to refine us and make us more Christlike.

    However, I have struggled enormously with my marriage from the beginning. As I was walking up the aisle, I had a feeling of impending doom and felt I was making a mistake. Unfortunately, I did not have the confidence or self-worth to feel that I could pull out and instead, hoped that the marriage would improve. It went from bad to worse and somehow in the midst of it, we raised 3 godly children, 2 adults now but still at home, who are keen for Jesus. This is only through God’s grace.

    I honestly don’t know how I have survived. Initially, my husband cut me off from friends and family, showed little sexual interest in me (whereas other men prior to marriage had said I was attractive, went through a 10 year pornography addition (my husband, not me), and this only stopped when I developed some self-esteem and finally stood up to him. Prior to this, I had prayed, sought help from counsellors and nothing had worked. I believe, that being respectful can be unhelpful as my husband thought he could carry on as he was because I was not confident enough to stand up to him or tell anyone else. I ended up telling counsellors.

    My husband’s issues do not stem from the way I treated him, although I know I am far from perfect and strive to live a godly life, but often fail because I am human. His issues stemmed from his family and other women he had dated before marriage. My parents were godly people who had a great marriage, and I had one of the kindest fathers in the world. However, as they were keen Christians, and believed that women should be submissive, I always felt that I was really not worth as much as a male; this is despite my father being a loving person.

    So you see, ideas such as you propose about women always being submissive and always putting their feelings last are unhealthy, as there is often a daughter absorbing those ideas. I agree that men are to be the head of the marriage, but I also believe that man was not whole until woman was created. We are meant to complement each other, not be dominated by another, especially as in God’s eyes we are equal inheritors of his Kingdom.

    I would ask that you pray for me. I feel I cannot tell friends as it would affect their views of my husband, so I continue on alone. My husband now is much better than he was, but yet, sexually, life is a disaster. I find I can concentrate on God and his kingdom, but I cannot feel sexual with someone who I feel would prefer to be with someone else, even though he constantly denies it, because of his past lack of interest in sex, and the fact that he felt it necessary to ‘check out’ every woman he found attractive, usually women who had the opposite bodytype I have.

    I have ordered the book “Respect Dare” and believe that if things do not change, then maybe we should part ways. I feel completely diminished being in the marriage now, and the thought of living another 40 years like this is unbearable. I, too, hate divorce, so am going to put my best effort in with God’s help and would therefore appreciate any prayers.

    1. ConstantStruggle,

      My precious sister!!!!! I’m so glad you wrote to me!

      I’m sorry you didn’t listen to your heart when you were walking down the aisle, realizing this was a mistake. It sounds like it would have been wise to stop and not move forward with the wedding. But I do know that God is able to make something beautiful from your life even now!

      I am very concerned about your views on respect and submission. It seems to me that you believe that submission means – doing whatever a husband wants and never confronting him about his sin, having no voice, feeling that you are not as valuable as a man, being mistreated, being passive, and maybe being a doormat.

      That is not what I believe Scripture teaches, at all. In fact, I have numerous posts that counter each of these beliefs women tend to have (in my view, erroneously).

      Men and women can both be too controlling or too passive. Those extremes are sin. There is a place in the middle we can only reach that has perfect balance – that we achieve only through the power of the Holy Spirit. It is destructive for a husband to be too passive or too controlling. It is destructive for a wife to be too passive or too controlling.

      And, my intention is not to promote my own thinking – but rather what Scripture says about marriage and how we are to live. It is not that I say women should submit to their husbands – God says that. But we do need to be sure we understand what that means and what it doesn’t mean. Or we can get ourselves into a big mess!

      I invite you to check out some posts I have on these topics and pray that you might carefully examine your beliefs about these critical issues.

      What have your counselors suggested that you do?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister?

      I write from the perspective of a wife who was controlling, dominating, disrespectful, etc… That is not your bent. You will probably have to approach becoming a more godly wife from the opposite direction – and learn to speak up more about your concerns, and learn to exercise your influence in a godly way, and learn to stand firmly against sin when necessary. Wives who tend to be more passive with dominating, controlling husbands have a different set of issues to address than wives who were controlling and dominating themselves with passive husbands.

      Women have equal value to men in God’s eyes!!!!! We were both created in God’s image (Genesis 1), and we are joint heirs of the kingdom of Christ (I Peter 3:7), and we have equal value as believers (Galatians 3:28). Husbands are to treat their wives with honor, and not be harsh with them, or their prayers will not be heard (I Peter 3:7).

      Men are to exercise loving, humble, Christlike leadership – not domination. There is a world of difference!!! Domination is abusive. Headship is not. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear what you believe respect and submission mean. Submission and respect do not mean that you give up your personhood, your influence, your concerns, your feelings, your ability to express your needs and desires. You are a whole person and you are to bring all of yourself to the marriage from a position of great strength in Christ – not a position of cowering, fear, or defeat and just laying there and accepting whatever your husband does, including sin. There is a need to have respect for God, for your marriage, and for yourself, as well. There is a need for dignity – and treating yourself as a woman of great worth in God’s eyes.

      I pray you might examine some of these posts I am going to share and allow God to heal your heart and help you develop a more biblical understanding of His design.

      I pray for spiritual healing from God for you, for your husband, for his porn addiction, for his control, and for your marriage.
      Much love to you! 🙂

      Spiritual Authority

      Godly Femininity

      Doormats Don’t Honor God Either

      A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

      Husbands Are Never the Absolute Authority

      Does Being a Biblically Submissive Wife Mean I Can’t Say What I Need and How I Feel?

      Biblical Submission Does Not = The Husband Is Always Right

      Biblical Submission Is Not Passivity

      Biblical Submission

      Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

      The Danvers Statement on God’s Design for Marriage

      And you may search my home page for “porn” as well as check out the resources available for spouses of porn addicts at http://www.xxxchurch.org

      Other resources that may be helpful:

      Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem (free download available at http://www.cbmw.org/resources/ )
      Secret Church series by David Platt on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – at http://www.radical.net or available on Youtube

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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