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Husbands Are Never “the Absolute Authority”

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I don’t want anyone to be unclear about this!!!!

God is the only absolute authority.

God’s Word, the Bible, speaks for God – so it is also authoritative over our lives. When God delegates authority to people, it is to protect, care for, nurture, love, tend to, shepherd, and honor His beloved people. In Christianity, authority is not about rights and privilege, it is about responsibility and accountability to God. Those who are in positions of authority are commanded by God to submit first to Christ and to be humble servants.

No husband or human on earth ever has the right to demand total submission or to claim total authority over anyone else. That position is reserved for God alone.

For a man to claim that his wife must submit completely without any question to himself and that he has total authority over her – is to put himself in the place of Christ in her life. That is very wrong and sinful.

  • No husband has the right to demand that his wife put himself as equal to or above Christ in her heart.
  • No wife has the right to put her husband as equal to or above Christ in her heart.
  • No wife has the right to demand that her husband put herself as equal to or above Christ in his heart.
  • No husband has the right to put his wife as equal to or above Christ in his heart.

For anyone to put anything or anyone above Christ in his/her heart is idolatry and is breaking the Greatest Commandment that Jesus gave to us.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment… Matthew 22:37

No human authority has the right to direct other people to commit or to condone sin. If someone with God-given authority over us (the government, our boss, a police officer, a pastor, a husband, or a parent of a younger child) asks us to clearly violate the Bible, we must choose to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). Please see Spiritual Authority for more on this topic. The fact that a human has delegated authority from God does not mean that he/she is always right. All humans are imperfect and sinful apart from Christ. No human is infallible. Only God is perfect and infallible.

Note:

We must also take great care to be sure that if we think our husbands are asking us to sin, that it is God’s definition of sin, not our own definition. Sometimes, we can convince ourselves that something is sinful when the Bible doesn’t say that it is. If we are not careful, we may judge our husbands wrongly. If we are not sure if something is clear sin, it may be wise to speak to an older, godly, mentoring wife before we decide to refuse to cooperate with our husbands. I would want to be VERY sure that what my husband was asking me to do was truly wrong in God’s eyes before I would go against Greg. God commands me to submit to and respect my husband “as to the Lord.” I am accountable for my obedience to God.

Wives DO have a voice and can share their feelings, concerns, and ideas in respectful ways. God does not command that we must agree with our husbands or that we may have no input. But I do need to use caution not to label my convictions as the standard by which I measure sin instead of God’s Word. (Is My Husband Bound to Follow My Personal Convictions?)

Jesus describes and demonstrates godly leadership (this is what He expects from anyone to whom He grants authority to protect, nurture, shepherd, care for, provide for, teach, and lead others):

JOHN 13:1-5, 12-17

It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him [a job that was usually performed by the lowliest of slaves]…

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

MATTHEW 20:25-28

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

In God’s definition, authority is about responsibility, love, true humility, selflessness, and sacrifice – its not about power, “rights,” abuse, or ever taking advantage of anyone.

Some of the best descriptions of God’s design for the authority of husbands in marriage I have found are available here:

The Danvers Statement – from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Spiritual Authority – a post on my blog that contains class notes from a minister at my church 3 years ago (used with permission)

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem (link has a free download for this book)

– John Piper’s site www.desiringgod.org

– David Platt’s site www.radical.net

– Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology (available as podcasts)

God’s design for marriage is found in a number of passages in Scripture:

– Genesis 2

– Malachi 2

– Matthew 19:1-12

– I Corinthians 11:3

– Ephesians 5:22-33

– Colossians 3:18-19

– I Peter 3:1-7

– I Corinthians 13:4-8a

– Titus 2:3-5

and other places, as well.

14 thoughts on “Husbands Are Never “the Absolute Authority”

  1. We must always be careful, however, to not be the judge and jury of what is sin and what is not sin. If a woman is undecided, it would be best if she sought out a godly older woman and ask advice from her since I’ve heard way too many women decide something was “sin” and use it as an excuse not to obey her husband when in reality, it is not sin at all. It is just something they don’t want to do.

    1. Lori Alexander,

      Very important point! We can sometimes deceive ourselves or justify our own sin. Or, we may decide something is sinful that God doesn’t say is sin – and we may refuse to do something that really would be a good thing for us to do if we are not careful.

      We must be sure that what our husband is asking us to do is really sin before we would refuse to do something.

      1. Lori,
        I added this to the post:

        We must also take great care to be sure that if we think our husbands are asking us to sin, that it is God’s definition of sin, not our own definition. Sometimes, we can convince ourselves that something is sinful when the Bible doesn’t say that it is. If we are not careful, we may judge our husbands wrongly. If we are not sure if something is clear sin, it may be wise to speak to an older, godly, mentoring wife before we decide to refuse to cooperate with our husbands. I would want to be VERY sure that what my husband was asking me to do was truly wrong in God’s eyes before I would go against Greg. God commands me to submit to and respect my husband “as to the Lord.” I am accountable for my obedience to God.”

        1. Agreed, April, or some wives could decide how to run their lives in many areas contrary to what their husbands want because they feel that what their husbands are asking is sin. Take, for example, wearing dresses only, homeschooling, staying home full-time, etc. A wife can be fully convicted in these areas and think to obey her husband would be sinning but if her husband is not convicted, she must obey her husband. It’s not always clear-cut and in these areas and many like them, she must take her case to the Lord and obey her husband.

          1. I can’t wait for your post April, this has been a subject i have been praying about a lot lately, biblical convictions.

          2. Jessica,

            I think this will be a really important post, too. I’m excited to share about this topic – because I am definitely concerned that we may hold our husbands to our convictions about gray areas rather than holding them only to God’s Word – then we may justify going against our husbands’ God-given leadership in ways that God has not ordained for us. I think this is where many of us get into a lot of trouble – I know I have before. This and also our feelings. We tend to want our husbands to be bound to our feelings in their decisions rather than to take our feelings into account, but be fully accountable to God ultimately for their decisions, not our feelings.

            I hope that makes sense.

            Much love!

  2. First I want to say how much I enjoy and look forward to your posts. They are filled with wisdom and I have learned so much. I am really trying to practice letting Christ meet all my needs and respecting my husband. I am struggling with something now and would appreciate any advice. My husband came home yesterday with a gun. Not just any gun a semi automatic rifle. We already have guns in the house which I don’t like but have reluctantly agreed to. I didn’t say anything but I am very mad and hurt because of this selfish act as he did it behind my back and knew I was not in agreement with it. I know I need to speak to him about it my feelings which range from just let God take care of it to give him an ultimatum me or the gun. My husband is a believer but doesn’t pray seek Gods counsel or read the word. Any advice would be greatly appreciated prayers too!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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