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“My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him”


“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.” Romans 12:17-18. (If you get a chance, please read Romans 12:9-21)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1

Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20

There are many things that could be going on when our husbands respond in anger when we share our ideas/desires/needs/concerns. This topic could be a book in itself! Here are a few possibilities…

  • A wife may not realize she is coming across disrespectfully in some way – that can make a husband feel disrespected and angry or make him want to shut down. Even a “little tiny bit” of disrespect from a wife’s perspective can be perceived as a lot of disrespect from a husband’s perspective. Some things that we as wives tend not to notice that can seem disrespectful to our husbands can be our word choices that might imply disrespect to our particular husbands, our tone of voice, our facial expressions and body language. (Nonverbal Disrespect – Youtube Video)
  • A wife may be early in this process of learning to stop disrespect and may be trying to figure out respect but is still stumbling often or she may be in The Frustrating Quiet Phase and be afraid to say anything at the moment. It is a difficult thing to learn to discern when to speak and when not to speak at times.
  • A wife may purposely disrespect her husband out of her own pain and anger – which is sin for which we need to repent. It is GOOD for us to share when we are sad, afraid, hurting, nervous or upset. But a wife can share what she wants and needs respectfully as she shows her husband that she is on his team and has his back.
  • A husband may not believe his wife is really changing, so he may assume she intends harm and disrespect even though she is trying to change. He may need time, a lot of time, to see that this is for real and that she is not trying to manipulate him.
  • A wife may try to take control when she disagrees, refusing to submit to her husband’s leadership. That will definitely be frustrating for a man who knows God has called him to lead. It is impossible for him to lead if no one will follow.
  • A husband may think his wife is being sarcastic at first when his wife attempts to speak respectfully because there may be a long history of disrespect, contention and conflict in the marriage.
  • A husband may feel his wife is undermining his leadership and feel his authority is being challenged if she disagrees with him if he is not used to having respectful discussions where there is disagreement. It may take time for him to realize that his wife is no longer going to attack him and that he is safe with her. Eventually, he will see that she will still support, honor him and cooperate with him even when she disagrees. This makes a powerful statement to a husband that his wife trusts him, has faith in him and is on his team.

(Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect for more info on these topics.)

There are times when a husband may respond in anger even if his wife is being respectful and approaching him in a God-honoring, respectful, polite, gentle way. It isn’t always “her fault” if he gets angry. After all, husbands are sinners, too. Just like wives are.

  • He may still be learning to be a godly man and leader. This is a lifelong process for men, too – to learn to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. If he is just now beginning to learn to step up and lead for the first time in the marriage or the first time in his life, he may feel overwhelmed, afraid, uncertain or insecure. If he senses that his wife is not supportive of his leadership, is critical, often negative, judgmental or uncooperative, he may respond with anger or he may give up and feel paralyzed as a leader.
  • He may be responding from the old patterns and habits he witnessed from his father or step-father or the men in his life from his past. He may not know yet how to respond gently, lovingly and graciously when his wife respectfully disagrees with him. He may have never had a godly example. And for men who never had a godly example, being a godly husband is just as counter-intuitive to them as being a godly wife is counter-intuitive to us! As a wife seeks to obey God for her role in the marriage, she can trust God to work in her husband and she can encourage and inspire him to become a stronger leader by her godly living and attitude and by her godly femininity.
  • He may be holding on to sin in his own life that is hindering his prayers and keeping him separated from God. That may have nothing to do with his wife. His sin is his responsibility before God. My prayer is that all husbands and wives will be Spirit-filled and obedient to God, that Jesus might be greatly glorified in our marriages.
  • Sometimes, as a wife begins to operate in the power of God, her husband begins to feel conviction about his own sin and lashes out at his wife, trying to get her to sin against him so that he can continue to blame her and not have to examine his own heart and life.
  • It may be that a wife is sharing a LOT of words and negative emotions for a long time and sometimes husbands can feel like they are drowning in an ocean of negative emotions that can be very overwhelming for them at times if the words are too numerous and the emotions are very intense. Sometimes if we can be brief and communicate with lower volume, calmly and without so many tears (if possible), sometimes our husbands can hear us more effectively that way. It may be that we can share things in more of a “bullet point” form instead of a 4000 word essay. We may be able to navigate our many negative feelings and emotions just fine, but sometimes husbands need a more condensed and less detailed version to be able to absorb it and process it.
  • Sometimes, a husband is far from God and is not living in his power and doesn’t have the Holy Spirit to turn to for wisdom and strength of character. At these times I Peter 3:1-6 can be the most powerful approach for a godly wife. (When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God)
  • Sometimes a husband may have a knee-jerk reaction of anger if his wife doesn’t agree. But if she allows him time to think and process and she doesn’t pressure him about it, he may end up doing what she asked, even if he doesn’t talk about it anymore. This may require great patience on a wife’s part. But, she has done her job by sharing her desires and needs, and then she can pray and trust God to work in her husband’s heart to change his mind.
  • He may have other issues going on.  (If a husband, or anyone, is exhausted, in pain, sick, very hungry, extremely stressed about work or other family issues – it may be wise for us to wait until these needs are taken care of before we attempt to have any major discussions about an important decision.)


It may be that a wife can just simply share her heart and if her husband begins to try to argue, she can avoid engaging in a fight, but just say, “I just wanted to share my feelings on this. Thanks for listening.” And then she may leave it. Many times, in my view, a wife who doesn’t argue and doesn’t allow herself to be sidetracked by distracting tactics  and circular arguments that are meant to blame her or project fault on her, may find that just simply leaving her feelings and thoughts with her husband without engaging in a debate may impact him deeply.

We can share our thoughts without being contentious, prideful, self-righteous, controlling, argumentative or complaining. We can carefully, wisely speak the truth in love after we have spent time in prayer and know that we are seeking God’s will above our own will. We can honor God and our husbands as we approach our men about issues that are important to us. We can have disagreements without sinning on our end of the relationship.

Notice the verse at the top from Romans -“as far as it depends on you live in peace…” That means, there are things that come up in relationships that don’t depend on you, too. Some things in your marriage depend on your husband. You are only responsible for your own obedience to God, your being filled with His Spirit and your faithfulness and submission to Christ. You cannot change your husband. You cannot convict him. You cannot open his eyes. You cannot make him be loving to you or force him to submit himself to Jesus. You cannot change his mind or make him agree with you. You cannot control him. He cannot control you either. That is a good thing. God gives us all a free will.

If you have been on this journey for awhile, and you have been seeking Christ, repenting of any known sin in your own life, seeking to respect and honor your husband – and he continues to respond hatefully if you try to share a differing opinion from his… It may be that you are doing everything you can do.  I pray that God might show you whether this is the case.

Even when we don’t agree with our husbands, we can submit to Christ by submitting to our husbands’ leadership. That speaks more powerfully about our genuine respect for our husbands than almost anything else we could do. (Submitting Under Protest) As a husband sees over time that his wife shares her heart and thoughts, but that she ultimately supports his final decision if they cannot agree after discussion, he will often eventually soften to his wife and be able to hear her heart more clearly. Sometimes this takes a lot of time. But other times, a wife may find that if she just simply shares her desires/feelings briefly and calmly, that even though her husband may seem angry at first, he may eventually do what she asked, even though she didn’t pressure him about it. Some men may just need some time to think. They may even apologize for their angry reaction later.

This can be VERY painful. But it is also exciting to see how God might work in the situation as we seek to obey and honor Him. If you believe your husband is asking you  to sin, please check out Spiritual Authority.


This is where we all need great sensitivity to God’s Spirit. Only He has the wisdom we need in a given situation to prompt us whether a certain situation is a time when we should pray and wait on Him quietly and say nothing, staying out of His way, or whether we should respectfully, briefly, gently, vulnerably share our hearts or whether we should confront our husbands. I certainly don’t have God’s wisdom for every situation and I don’t have all the answers for every marriage. But thankfully, God does!

Just because a husband will get upset does not necessarily mean his wife should say nothing. I believe we generally have a responsibility as wives to share our ideas, needs, desires and concerns with our husbands. If we completely give up expressing our desires, ideas, personalities, influence, feelings and needs – that is not real intimacy and no healthy husband wants a wife who does not or cannot think and feel for herself.

It is easy for a wife of a more dominant husband to feel like she is losing her mind and sanity if her husband gets angry and blames her or turns on her if she shares that she wants to do something different from what he wants to do. She may be tempted to think, “Well, I must have not been respectful enough. That is why he is angry. If I just said it more respectfully, he wouldn’t have gotten mad. I just can’t ever say things right. I just shouldn’t say what I want, think or need at all.”

That is NOT necessarily true, precious wife!

This will require God’s wisdom and careful examination of our hearts and our true motives. There are times when a wife is doing everything right and a husband is still unwilling to listen to his wife. He may have some growing to do. That can be painful for both the husband and his wife. Or, God may be leading him to make the decision he is making and the wife may not see that until later. I long to see wives stand firm in Christ in such situations and to see them seek to please Jesus above all else and to be faithful and obedient to Him. Ultimately we must be concerned about pleasing our Audience of One – God – much more than anyone else, even our husbands. Ideally we can seek to please both. But there may be times when a husband is very difficult or impossible to please. I pray that God might strengthen wives so that their faith is unshakable and that they might have His wisdom and power to respond as God desires them to even in the face of being wrongly accused or misunderstood or unfairly blamed.

Sometimes 1 Peter 3:1-6 is our best approach. I Corinthians 13:4-8, Philippians 4:4-8 and Galatians 5:22-23 certainly apply to every situation. Sometimes we may need to confront our husbands in a Matthew 7:1-5 and then Matthew 18:15-17 way. We are all desperately in need of God’s wisdom and leadership in these times of conflict. Sometimes it will be a combination of scriptures and God’s Spirit’s prompting that we need.

Almost all husbands really do want their wives to be happy. As they discover that is is possible to please their wives and as they feel supported and honored and respected – most husbands, eventually, will seek to do what is truly best for their wives and families and will enjoy delighting their wives.


I pray that some wives who have been down this road with a husband who responds in anger even when the wife is being respectful as she shares that she disagrees with him might share your stories with the other wives who need some encouragement. Often a husband who responds in anger rather than passive withdrawal is a more dominating, strong personality. What works with more passive husbands is often not what works with strong and dominating husbands. What has God shown you? What doesn’t work in your marriage? What works? What blesses your husband? What helps him to hear your heart? How do you respond in a godly way when he lashes out in anger that is undeserved on your part? Let’s talk about this together! Maybe some husbands might also have some suggestions that may be helpful for the wives who are afraid to speak their thoughts because their husbands respond in anger almost every time.


Please keep in mind, if you have serious marriage problems – physical abuse, addictions,  unrepentant infidelity, uncontrolled mental health disorders, or one of you experienced major abuse in childhood or a previous relationship and need deep emotional/spiritual healing, please seek godly, biblical, trusted, experienced help in person. I am not able to address these kinds of issues here, and my blog may not be the best fit for you. God’s Word always applies to us all. But those with severe problems are going to need much more specialized help than I can offer.


Confronting Our Husbands’ Sin

A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

I am Trying to Be Respectful, and My Husband is More Unloving Than Ever!

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

God Didn’t Give Me a Good Husband

Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things – Part 1

A Peaceful Separated Wife

The Dryer Incident

The Difference Between Complaining and Sharing

Replacing the Tapes in My Head

A Husband Answers – Why Won’t My Husband Lead in Our Marriage?


113 thoughts on ““My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him”

  1. This happened tonight. Hubby had told almost 7 yr old son he couldn’t have dessert until he tidied his room. He hasn’t been sleeping in his room the last few weeks as it’s not suitable in this weather so the room is a little chaotic and I’ve not been bothered to keep up on it.
    So son got overwhelmed and started crying. Which then turned to loud yelling that he wanted dessert. Hubby wouldn’t let me go in to help him calm down so I stayed away.

    I was then blamed for it all and told how I am too soft etc etc. hubby then drove off because he couldn’t handle the crying. Yet I wasn’t allowed to intervene. Well the crying had gone on for almost 40 mins so I went in to tell him to take deep breaths and start on one area of the room and work around. He eventually listened and did it.

    We just don’t agree on how to communicate to the children and discipline. I find his views very harsh and not done in love at all.

    Ugh. I’m sure I’ve made things worse over the years myself but I’m just so tired of being told it’s all my fault and then he steps in and then expects me to tidy it all up :/ he doesn’t follow through. He expects me to and if goes against what I believe and how I parent and teach.

    1. Godlywifetobe,

      I am praying for wisdom for you!!! It would be very challenging and frustrating to be married to a husband who is very far from God. He can’t love your son or you with God’s love because he hasn’t received that love himself yet. So I am sure that you both have very different perspectives about how to handle issues with children. I would imagine he may not have had the best examples in his life as a child, either.

      Praying for God to draw your husband to Himself and for His Spirit to flood you with His power, love, peace, joy, patience, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, kindness and self-control. Praying for you to have the time with God you need. And for God to use you to bless your husband and children. And I am praying for you to have wisdom about how to honor your husband’s leadership and obey God and nurture your children at the same time.

      Sending you a huge hug my precious sister!

    2. If I could sister….Society has framed creation roles and most Christians fail to understand God’s design for the mother and father. Your husband is correct because his objective and/or end game is that you guys raise a child that will be a Godly man..not an effeminate one. Though it can be hard to watch sometimes, but you must trust the man you love and love the man you trust..God ordained men to be the disciplinarians of the home.That God’s attribute seen in our husbands and fathers.Women are to exude God’s attributes of Wisdom and Nurturing. Lastly…we must remember that we (humans) are born evil..that includes our children. Until he your son comes to the saving knowledge of Christ he will have tendencies to manipulate and play on your emotions. You’ll see it clearly if you have a girl. For some reason we; as women coddle our sons a little too much. Allow your loving husband to do his job. Step aside and pray. You can’t have two men the the house..Always remember the order: God, Man, Woman, Children. Today children run the roost and disturb the continuity of homes..that should not be.

    3. hi GWTB!
      juR here! just sending you a hug, I can sooo relate to your situation! I have no advice other than to go along with things at the time and then wait a few days and try to speak calmly and respectfully and say that you found it a little harsh, but if its anything like my situation was, it is better to let some things go or you could be having ‘little chats with him too often and then they just switch off and get angry,pray that he will soften in time. My husband is a very different man these days and is not really harsh at all with his step-daughter, but I do feel that he isn’t very positive.
      I have certainly found that if you back him up at the time, its isn’t so bad, and also to remain very quiet. My husband has realised then that he has been unreasonable. He could be stressed out about other things, you are not alone and I would just comfort your son when you are alone, but just explain that Daddy must be respected and that he must listen and try to do what he says. It might be that your husband wanted ‘a voice’ and to be obeyed on this one…(even though I would have definitely wanted to give the pudding!), so just to say, don’t give up you can find a balance, I had a similar argument last night and now my husband is giving me some time to think about it and see how I got it wrong (!!), it so hard when he cant see my perspective, but I just find it easier to listen and just try and see things from his perspective.. we have HOPE in the Lord.lots of love xxx

      1. Thank you JuR!

        Greg doesn’t often get super harsh with our kids. He isn’t prone to yelling or losing his temper. But I have noticed in the last 2 years or so – that if I even have an expression on my face of shock/surprise or look like I feel he is being harsh – like I have some fear in my face – Greg will often tone things down if he is being too harsh. And he will ask me about what I think later.

        That is one of the most amazing things, to me, about this journey. Originally, Greg barely looked at me, didn’t listen to me, seemed to ignore me, didn’t care about my feelings… But in time – and there is no short cut for this – over several years – he began to soften. And he began to care about my feelings. He began to back me up with the kids the way I was backing him up. He became really sensitive to my emotions and expressions and body language. And now – if I look upset or scared or sad – he asks me if I am ok or if he upset me and wants to know what he can do.


        I could never have imagined things could have changed so much. Funny – all those years of me trying to force him to do what I wanted and to care about my feelings – and now, the smallest little word from me or expression has so much power to influence him.

        I know it can feel like we are “losing power” and “losing our voices” in the beginning of this difficult and LONG journey. But – we don’t. We gain power and influence as our husbands know they can safely trust us.

        When my husband is harsher than I would like with the kids (which happens occasionally) – I usually try not to interfere. I know that he knows more about how to make a man from our son than I do. I also know that if I was the only one raising our son, he would grow up to be way too feminine and not very masculine. That is not what I want for our precious boy.

        It sure does require great wisdom and sensitivity to God’s Spirit in these difficult situations!

        Praying for all the wives and moms who are struggling to hear God and to obey Him and bring glory to Him.

        Much love!

      2. Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to have someone understand. Makes me feel I’m not so crazy :p

        It’s extremely difficult having a husband who is so very different and a non believer too. I try and see his perspective but it’s disheartening when he won’t even try to see mine.

        Praying for you and your hubby 🙂

        1. GWTB,
          I am praying for you today! Praying for God to open your husband’s eyes. Right now he can’t see your perspective at all. It is impossible. But, praise God, with Jesus, all things are possible!!!!!

          Thank you for your heart for Christ and your desire to obey Him and honor and bless your husband. One day, I believe your husband will thank you for your patience, love, respect, perseverance and prayers. What a day of celebration that will be!

  2. Hi April,

    Welcome back! I am so glad to hear you had a nice break and time with your family.

    I’ve had some ups and downs this summer, but won’t get into them here. I think I need to reread this post as I have a hard time determining why my having a feeling or an emotion sometimes seems disrespectful to my husband. That seems a little unfair. Your wisdom has been so helpful that I know I must be missing something.

    I’m kind of having a down type week for a myriad of reasons. Hopefully the ups will return.

    Thanks for all you do for us!

    1. Becca,

      A wife’s emotions can scare a husband sometimes. Especially if he has felt her emotions were “out of control” before. I am praying for God’s wisdom for you both!

      It is ok to have emotions and feelings and to share them. It may be there could be a better way to share. It may be that your husband is afraid of your emotions or what you might do if you have strong emotions. Hopefully, you can both continue to learn and grow and work through this together. If you are able to share your heart briefly and with less emotion, that may be something he can hear and process better. If a wife is crying a lot and spending and hour or two explaining all of her ocean of negative feelings, that can be very overwhelming to a husband, and he can feel like he is drowning.

      So, sometimes being brief and thinking “bullet points” instead of “essay” may be helpful.

      Much love to you!

      1. Thanks April. The funny thing is, I am not a crier. I actually get a lot of flack from my friends for refusing to cry. I just feel like it is for sissies, and is usually used as a manipulative tool. So yes, while I do have strong emotions, crying would be the last of them. 🙂

        The bullet points vs essay, that’s one I could work on. Thanks again!

        1. Becca,

          Well, crying can actually be a good thing. If you are being vulnerable and feeling the sadness that you feel, and you are not trying to manipulate, it is an honest expression of deep sadness, fear or frustration. For men and women!

          I wonder, do you allow yourself to feel your emotions and to express all of them? What happens if you share in a vulnerable way emotionally?

          Yes, the bullet point thing can be extremely helpful!
          One thing I did at first was to write out the essay so I could process things in my head and work through exactly what I thought and felt, then I would boil it down prayerfully to bullet points and delete the essay.

          Much love!

  3. Thank you, April, for sharing this side of the story. Your statements were “right on” and there was so much wisdom here. I married a wonderful, dominating and “used to be” controlling husband. After I realized my sin and began changing myself it took quite sometime for my husband and I to get on the same page. I think it came with maturity, conviction and time. It was his way or the highway for a long time, with no discussion needed!! No matter how respectful I was I could never disagree with him…to him that was not being submissive to His authority. I agree, there is a time a wife needs to speak even though her husband gets angry….for a long time I did not speak, ever, about anything I was feeling, thinking, or desiring, because every time I did my husband would get upset. We had a very surface relationship for a long time. I always felt I wasn’t respectful enough when he got upset, and I blamed myself for His sin. It was so hard knowing where that line was and what was disrespectful to Him…but oh, yes we need to do right, be responsible for our own self and our own sin and leave the rest up to God. When I finally came to this place, there was so much joy. I didn’t get hurt so much at him when he lashed out at me, because I knew in my heart that I was right with the Lord and He would ultimately be responsible for His own sin. It took time and I still get nervous to speak or share my thoughts sometimes. but each time I do he now always allows me to speak freely and I can communicate now about anything “respectfully”, He just listens with a smile and a loving expression. Oh, ladies, don’t give up!! Keep speaking with love and respect, stay close to the Lord, and allow His love to overflow onto your husband. With time, I believe you will see change and your marriage will be more as you desire it to be. God is faithful. I love 1 Peter, read it over and over again and know that it is more blessed to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. The Lord will bless you with all spiritual blessings and you will become more and more like our Savior. For His glory and not for our own.

    1. Thank you Savedbygrace for you testimony. My husband is christian, a spiritual leader but very very dominating. He had been part of the army only 2 years but it did reinforce this side of him. He takes all the decisions and usually doesn’t ask me what I think. He always invite people at home and notify me as I told him many times I wish he includes me in the decision process but doesn’t. He thinks that being a leader is taking decisions and everybody had to follow and doesn’t know what it means in a marriage. I do pray about it cause can’t do anything yo resolve this.

      I made some criticism, or negative comments many times when he shared some of his ideas o projects. I repented and ask the Lord to change me. As the result, he doesn’t really share with me anymore even if now I do my best to be supportive and positive. 🙁

      He very often lashes at me and the only real thing I found that help is to stay silence in the moment. Afterward or the day after I can talk about the problem and tell him how I felt but if I do it at the moment the things happen, he will get more angry and we’ll end up fighting.

      We gonna do a couple week end conference which will be the first time in almost 2 years of marriage. I pray God will work in me and him and that will help our marriage to be better. Wish I could already be where you are Savedbygrace.

      1. sonadewonderful,
        My husband use to make all the decisions himself, as well, and when I would try to give my input he would call it “questioning his authority”. He now often asks me, “what do you think of this or that?”, and even sometimes takes my advice. It takes time, especially if there were years that he didn’t feel safe sharing. It’s ok to respectfully share, and then as April says, let him know you trust he will make the right decision before God and the family. Unfortunately, we have to also bear the consequences if our husband makes the wrong decisions, but I have found that the Lord uses it for good and we learn so much through the experience. Looking back, we had to go through many hard times to get us to this place. I often say the Lord took us through the “wilderness” as he did with so many of His children. My husband is now a Pastor and it took 20 years until God entrusted Him with this position, as well as our family. You mentioned that your husband lashes out at you. Do you know we don’t have to stay and listen to their rages, we can respectfully dismiss ourselves from being treated this way. I use to stay and listen, and often ended up arguing back, in tears, and wounded. I wish now I would have respectfully said, “honey I love you, but I don’t like it when you treat me this way and I can’t be around you when you do. And then quietly go about my business. I think we can enable our husbands sometimes and allow them to continue in sin. They also have an excuse when we are sinning along with them. It’s hard to walk away (into another room of course). and they may get angry, but I don’t believe the Lord asks us to allow someone else to vent their anger out on us. When we are not their audience, they will find another way to let out their anger and frustrations—prayerfully they will take it to the Lord. Be encouraged, the Lord is at work in your husbands life and is bringing you both to a place where you will reflect Christ’s relationship with His church. We are such stubborn creatures and have to be refined before we can be polished. Keep your thoughts focused upon the prize and trust the Lord to shape your husband. It’s when we get out of the way that He can!!

        1. I am so glad you are going to a conference together. I will pray the Lord will use this time, greatly, to bring your marriage to a place you desire it to be. Love to you….

        2. savedbygrace,

          So much of what you wrote struck me. Your comments that we don’t have to stay and listen to their rages, the Lord doesn’t ask us to allow someone to vent their anger at us, and how it is essentially enabling our husbands in their sin when we stay and allow them to continue lashing out – all of those were fresh truths to me.

          I also realized that by staying and attempting to explain my thoughts or rationale, I am essentially trying to take over the Lord’s job of convicting my husband. When my husband is angry, no amount of explaining is going to reach him. When will I learn this and IN THE MOMENT be able to respectfully excuse myself? When will I be strong enough, HUMBLE enough, to resist the temptation to defend or explain myself? It’s only when I can do those things, when I get out of the way, that God will truly work in my husband’s heart when he’s angry.

          My husband is a wonderful, incredible, godly man, we have an amazing marriage and life together, but he is human and many men struggle with anger. You gave me much to ponder and pray about! Thank you!

          1. Wow.. Your words are exactly how I am feeling.. My husband has been silent now for nearly a week as I cannot keep quiet and keep justifying myself. All he wants is to be heard and now he has gone from getting angry at me to now not speaking or seemingly caring.. How do I learn to behave in the moment and get it right and get myself out of the way! We have only been married for 4 months and I am scared I have ruined it.

            1. Humble,

              Did you and your husband have a fight? Why is he silent? Is there something you need to repent about, that you know of? There is almost always a way – through the power of God – to make things right again in time.

              Want to talk about it a bit?

              Much love and a big hug to you!

        3. Thanks for your reply Savedbygrace. My husband is also a pastor/missionary but we don’t lead a church right now, we serve in one where he has some of responsibilities. Two days ago, when our main church open another one (they opened it 10 in 2 years of existence), he argued with me and told me that if he wasn’t chosen, it was become of me, that I will never be a pastor’s wife (well, anywhere I am), and won’t change until I died. I am used to these comments now in 2 years of marriage even if I know they are lies of the enemy. It did hurt me and went to the feet of the Lord to cry. I forgave him but was so tempted to write an email telling him that as he refuse to pray and read the bible with me, how could he be chosen to lead a church cause he has to be first the priest in his house before taking care of God’s house. Thanks God I didn’t do it and let the time passed. I felt he was distant and did choose to address the issue in a email I sent yesterday but this time without anger, wanting him to encourage him and lift him up. I told him I wasn’t against his ministry as he said but was doing all I can it support him, that the day where God called him to serve a church, not me or the pastor president won’t be able to prevent him. I told him I was reading article and blog everyday about marriage to become a better person and was yearning to be the spouse God wants me to be and that I was sad that he dees only my weaknesses and consider me as the worst person of the earth. (Well, that’s the impression I have when he talk about who I am). I told him that I was in the precession of accepting and loving me as God does and pray he does the same. Then I finished saying I was also learning to see him as God sees him and enumerate a lot of this qualities.

          I do my best to respect him, grow in knowledge of the word, God knows. I want my marriage be all God wants it to be. We had quite a tuff road so far (I guess that baggage from the past and cultural difference doesn’t help) but started to see things getting better these last weeks. Maybe it was because our relationship is still superficial and he keeps things for himself that we could argue on.

          I do agree with you of not staying when he lashes at me. I usually leave the room if at home. But I tried to tell him on the moment to not treat me this way and it usually doesn’t work cause I’m too frustrated to speak calmly and whatever I say he will argue. For us, the best thing is that I stay silent, I let him go over his angryness and then I can tell him calmly about not treating me this way (wish I already did many times). I do think prayer is more efficient

          1. My heart goes out to you….I know how frustrating it can be when we feel our marriages aren’t what they should be. One thing that stood out to me is your comment to your husband that you would tell him not to treat you a certain way. I used to say that same thing and it never seemed to go well. I think what I now realize is that I couldn’t tell my husband how to behave. That is not something I can control, but I can control how I respond and what I will allow in the way of “abuse”. I put abuse in quotations, for the lack of a better word….so much isn’t abuse that is called abuse and so on(hopefully you understand what I am trying to say). I need to run my husband is calling but here is an article that I thought might be helpful to you

            Will be praying for you, sis.

            1. Thank you so much Savedbygrace. This article is really helpful and I copy it to be able to reflect and meditate more on it. I feel so discouraged today regarding one aspect of my marriage. I already “confront” my husband few times about the fact he wasn’t fulfilling his husband duty and responsibility but he seems he doesn’t change or do nothing to improve. I pray, fast, pray more… and I know usually God works the most when we feel it the less, but it’s so discouraging. I feel overwhelm today by this issue. Want to tell hubby one more time about it but it won’t probably don’t do anything and my Heavenly Father will do something one day but it means staying suffering without my needs met. I knew marriage was hard work but never thought it will be to that point. Sorry, I don’t have really no one to share (well I do have one real close friend and she knows about our situation but I now try to not share nothing negative about my husband…. So I don’t share) and feel quite alone.

              1. sonadewonderful, May I gently say that letting your husband know that he is not living up to his role is not gong to be helpful. I use to do that all the time and thought I had to be my husbands Holy Spirit. I say this so gently, because believe me I know how hard it is to be quiet about this. I thought if I didn’t tell my husbands about his mistakes no one would and he would never feel like he has to change. It really does the opposite of what we are trying to do. We are trying to help him, but he takes it so differently—there may be a time you can do this, but right now may not be that time. This makes our husbands feel like failures and they tend to feel like they can’t live up to our expectations. What I found to be more helpful is to encourage him, be his cheerleader, and voice the good things he does. This is so much more effective. You may be saying there isn’t much good, but just look you will find it. When they feel like we love them the way they are and we are not trying to change them it does something to a man. They feel like our hero and they try harder and harder to live up to that. Please trust me on this one. My husband and i talk about this now and telling him his faults never worked for him. It had to come from someone else or from the Lord himself, not from me. Keep going to the Lord for your needs right now and give the Lord room to work in your husband. I feel the burden with you…I know how hard it is. I will continue to pray.

              2. sonadewonderful,

                I am so sorry you are hurting and feeling so alone and discouraged!!!!! 🙁

                I want to encourage you that you HAVE shared this issue MANY, MANY times in the past with your husband. And, at this point, I don’t know that it would be constructive, and most likely, would only create more tension and more distance.

                Praying for you to have God’s Spirit and His power and peace and His wisdom, my precious sister!

              3. I know. I was feeling so down that day. Feeling much better today and yours answers prevent me to say anything. Only counting in God’s grace and waiting to see how God is going to answer….. One day. Big hug

      2. sonadewonderful,

        I am praying for you! I know we have talked about your situation many times. I am praying that God will work in you both and draw each of you to Himself individually and bring healing to your marriage, that He might be greatly glorified in your lives!

        Thank you so much for sharing with our precious sister!!!

        Praying for you to keep your eyes on Christ, Sonadewonderful, and to fully submit and surrender to Him. Sending you a huge hug, my friend!

  4. My husband and I like to eat out a lot. I have found that when we have those times together (usually when my daughter is with her dad), my husband will many times bring up a situation that needs to be discussed, or God will show me an opportunity where I can bring it up myself. When we are enjoying each other’s company in a neutral place, it seems much easier for us to have calm, respectful conversations.

    There have been times I’ve felt that he snapped at me, but then I realize that’s just his personality. He doesn’t mean to snap at me, he does love me very much, and I have to choose to look past that and continue the conversation calmly, not allowing myself to get offended and emotional. When I take things personally like that, it seems those are the times when conversations spiral down.

    I have also noticed that when my husband is in a bad mood, I will oftentimes get annoyed to think that he could possibly be upset with me when I haven’t done anything wrong, or I will get annoyed that he would be in a bad mood about something else and take it out on me in frustration. What I found myself doing in the past is asking him what’s wrong, telling him he seems unhappy or irritable, and trying to get him to tell me what the issue is so that if it’s me, I can explain myself. WOW – how horrible is that?! I need to learn to have more patience and let him ride out his bad mood, give him the space to share with me if it’s something I need to correct, and not automatically be defensive before he’s even gotten a word out!

    I think in part, I feel that if I know what I did to bother him, but I don’t think it was something wrong (such as him asking my opinion and he doesn’t like what I said), it would be wrong of me to not acknowledge that he’s upset. I don’t want to come across as uncaring. I don’t want him to think, “Wow, she sees that I’m frustrated and she hasn’t said a word or apologized!” I think I need to pray for more discernment in those times, to seek God’s wisdom about when to ask my husband if he’s okay, and when to just rub his back, tell him I love him and leave it at that.

    The one thing I struggle with is sharing my heart when I’m hurt, because my husband tends to take that so negatively and, rather than hearing me and caring that I was hurt, will take it to the extreme and say he’s a horrible husband who just can’t do anything right. I think that stems from all the negativity he’s had thrown at him from his ex-wife and others in his past. If I suggest he might have hurt me or done something wrong, his pride takes over and he gets offended and very defensive, rather than humbly admitting there might possibly be something he could do to improve. Again, those are times when I stop, I try to defuse the situation, and wait for a time when we are out together at dinner, enjoying each other, to bring it up again – if I even need to. Sometimes he will just apologize later on out of the blue, and then I am sure to thank him for apologizing and for understanding my feelings.

    Just yesterday he apologized to me, about one thing I never do to him but he has done to me several times. I was blown away. In a recent argument, I could have blurted out, “I never say things like that to you, why would you say that to me?” – but I didn’t. I held my tongue, and he came to that realization on his own, I’m sure by taking the time to listen for God’s spirit. I’m glad I kept quiet about that during our argument!

    Learning how to diffuse our arguments, how to respond (or not!) during times of moodiness, has helped tremendously. I still have a LOT more learning to do, but I am so grateful, April, for your ministry because I’ve learned a lot from you and have found numerous valuable resources through your blog. My walk with the Lord has deepened as a result of reading your blog and being encouraged to seek Him in ALL things.

    God’s way works. Even when our husbands aren’t seeking the Lord’s spirit to guide and direct them, God guides and directs US and we can know that we are in His will. That is the best place to be!

    1. “Learning how to diffuse our arguments, how to respond (or not!) during times of moodiness, has helped tremendously.”
      Thanks you M for your insights. So good and so true!!

      Sometimes our husbands are just in a bad mood and it’s not about us at all!! We need to see them as a brother in Christ having a bad day. We can help a great deal by sometimes just giving them a little space, or an encouraging word or hug. They get stressed out too and have so much responsibility on their shoulders. We can’t take everything personally, because sometimes they are just trying to work out there own problems in their own way. Not always right, but we can have compassion coming along side, edifying and encourage them in a godly way.

      1. savedbygrace,

        Yes! Exactly! Sometimes it’s not about us at all. We do need to understand that they are human and can get stressed about life and all of the responsibilities they have to deal with. Sometimes that makes them snippy with us, but we need to understand the heart behind that and give them grace, rather than get defensive. Thank you!

      2. Savedbygrace,

        Really, if our husbands don’t directly tell us they are upset with us, it may be wise to assume it is NOT us and just give a bit of space, or whatever our particular husband likes when he is in a bad mood, and wait it out as we pray for them and seek to bless them and stay close to God ourselves.

    2. M,
      This is awesome!!! I love, love, love sharing and hearing other wives’ stories. The more the better! Yes, when a husband is in a bad mood, or upset with us, it can be tempting to try to force him to discuss it and try to “resolve” it – in our own feminine way, of course – right now!

      But our men are human, too. Sometimes they just need time to deal with a bad mood, or some stress they are dealing with at work, or even with the fact that we disagree with them. Many times, husbands will think about things for a day or two, or longer, and be convicted all on their own and come back later and apologize. We often don’t have to pressure them. They already hate for us to feel hurt or upset and feel a lot of pressure to make us happy already.

      Thank you for sharing your heart and your experience! What a blessing to many other wives!

    3. M, Thank you for expressing your thoughts. They really helped me!! My husband came home from work VERY angry yesterday and attacked me for not going to the store even though I didn’t know I was suppose to. He was apparently out of one thing that he told me he was going to buy a few days earlier. He ate supper and then went to bed still fuming. I think I handled it fairly well. I had a very important doctor’s appt yesterday and he didn’t even ask about it. I started to cry when he attacked me and then he called me a drama queen. I had spend 4 hours at the doctor. I couldn’t hold my emotions together. I finally got myself together and said I haven’t done anything to make you so angry at me, and I don’t like to be treated this way. I told myself that this is his sin. Maybe God is dealing with him about something and he doesn’t like it. But this is not about me. After he went to bed, I got up and made his snack for today and I was able to to it without anger or resentment. Today I thought of asking him what he was really mad about. Because he has never been mad because I didn’t go to the store before. But your words reminded me to just keep quiet and let God deal with it. I never would have imagined reading this blog yesterday that my husband would come home so angry and I would have to put it all in practice.

      1. daisymae, I completely understand! Last week, I came home after working a 14-hour day and my husband for some reason was not in a good mood at all. He’d been in a great mood just an hour earlier when we were texting, so I’m not sure what happened, but it was like a switch was flipped. The next morning, he was even more angry. That was one example where I should have just left it alone, made his coffee and told him to have a great day at work. But instead, after he left for work I texted him and said I didn’t understand why he seemed so annoyed with me and I hoped he would share his heart with me. It did NOT go well. He told me later that he was just busy getting things done when I’d come home the night before and wasn’t at a place where he could be cheerful and stop and greet me like he normally would. Next time, I will recognize that and hopefully just kiss him and give him space.

        I love that you were able to make his snack without resentment! That’s how I feel about making my husband’s coffee in the mornings after we’ve had an argument (which is happening less and less now, praise God!).

        I am SO glad you were able to recognize that it wasn’t about you! That is so very difficult to do in the midst of it! Satan wants us to feel condemned and when we can recognize God’s truth during that, we have won!

        I pray everything went okay with your doctor’s appointment…

        1. M
          It is so hard to give our husbands space when they are angry. It is SO EASY to assume they are angry at us. But – many times, they are not. Many times it has nothing to do with us. Even if it does have something to do with us, that is their responsibility to tell us. So, maybe unless they say they are angry with us specifically, we can seek to assume it is not about us and just seek to bless them and pray for them.

          That does not come naturally! And, I am sure there are times we may need to ask if we did something to upset them.

          I’m actually glad that your husband was able to tell you later that he was just trying to focus and his mood wasn’t about you. That is a blessing to know!

          Praying for wisdom for you!

          1. Thank you, April! You are right that it is very easy to assume they are angry at us. I do this very often, with everyone, not just my husband. And I do need to realize that it’s his responsibility to tell me if his upset has something to do with me.

            I, too, am glad to have my husband’s explanation! I know him well, and I know when he is busy concentrating versus upset about something, so I’m not sure I entirely believe he was just distracted, but because that’s what he said, that’s what I’m going to accept and we’ve left it in the past.

            Baby steps, this is all about baby steps and learning to PRAY before I take any actions or speak a single word!!! 🙂 Thank you always for your encouragement and insight! You are a blessing!

      2. Daisymae,

        I know some men who forget that they didn’t ask their wives (or coworkers or people they manage at work)for things. They think they did, but they didn’t. That can create a lot of confusion!!! Maybe he thought he had asked you to go to the store. Or, maybe he was more frustrated that he didn’t go. Or maybe he had a very stressful day and he, wrongly, took it out on you.

        I’m glad that you said what you did, but that you didn’t fight and argue. I am ecstatic that you were able to bless him without anger or resentment. THAT IS A GOD THING!

        I have a feeling he will probably apologize after he has had some time to think about things. And, you may have a chance to ask him if he needs anything at the store sometime soon and to let him know you are happy to get things for him if he asks you to. And, maybe tonight you might have time to share about the dr’s appointment. Maybe he will even ask you about it himself.

        Praying for you both!

        1. Daisymae,

          I was thinking while I was getting ready this morning…

          I do think it is good to be careful not to tell our husbands “You shouldn’t feel X.” i.e.: You shouldn’t be angry. I didn’t do anything to make you angry.

          People will have emotions and feelings, and need to have freedom to feel the way they feel. So, I do want to be careful not to tell my husband how to feel. Of course, you know that you had no malicious intent and that he didn’t ask you to get the item at the store.

          BUT- I also think it is important to say something (when he is able to hear you) like, “Oh! I thought I heard you say that you were going to the store to get X. If I had known you wanted me to get it, I would have been glad to try to if I had time after my 4 hour doctor’s appointment. You know I would do anything for you, Honey!”

          I pray for your health and for God’s wisdom for you and your doctor as you navigate the issues you are facing there.

          Much love!

          1. You are right April. I need to be careful how I word things. It was such a shock. I was so hurt. I had talked with him on the phone just 30 minutes earlier and he sounded fine and asked what was for supper. I think he was just mad by the time he got home and wanted to argue. I think it has a lot to do with what you said about he was trying to get me to sin too so he could feel better. Maybe this new journey I am on, has him thinking. Maybe God is working on him. I don’t know. I just know the whole conversation was so irrational. I don’t think he was at all mad about me not going to the store. He would have just said when he got home, Do you mind running up to the store and getting me x? And I would have. We only live a mile away from the store. But he just flew off the handle and then said he didn’t want me to do a thing for him even fix his plate for supper. So I just said what I did and went to the living room. He ate and went to bed. I took a chance and made his snack and he did take it with him. This morning he did kiss me goodbye but I was still sleeping. But I haven’t heard from him today. I am just giving him space.

            Also, here is another thing my husband does. He starts thinking about something I did disrespectful in the past or on something we disagreed on and he feeds and feeds on it until he is so angry. It doesn’t matter that I have apologized many times and he has said he has forgiven me. I know this is satan and I am praying about this. I wonder if on his drive home this is what happened….

          2. I am happy to say I had a happy but tired husband when he came home last night. By venting here and not to him and by telling myself the truth, I mostly passed the test.

            1. Daisymae,

              How did last night go? I hope you were able to talk together and enjoy each other?

              Thank you for sharing, and for bossing your emotions around and telling yourself the truth! WOOHOO!

              1. It was fine. He came in happy, even joking. But, he eats and then goes to bed so we don’t get any time to talk and enjoy. He is just too tired from the extreme long hours. I am praying that this will change. Last night he even went to bed and ate his supper in bed. 🙁

        2. This is so right on, April. Some husbands are big in the expectations department and low in the communicating of their thoughts. They truly think they said something out loud because the words were so prominent in their mind. When they come home expecting what they were thinking to be done, they are frustrated that it wasn’t and can translate that in their mind as disrespect and disregard for their (unspoken) requests. I think that when men who have a lot on their minds, they tend to think they have articulated more of those expectations than they have. It can be a challenge to try and diffuse the situation, but I find it’s best to keep it simple. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t know you wanted that done since you hadn’t mentioned it, but I will go ahead and get on that right away. Would you like me to stop what I’m doing and take care of that now or would tomorrow be acceptable?” Simple and non-emotional is best, in my experience.

          Something a wife may notice who has a husband that is high on expectations but low on communicating them is that it often isn’t isolated to expectations. I know that my husband has told me several times that he often gives me compliments in his mind and later realizes that he never said them out loud. Sometimes it will be a day or two before he realizes he never told me what he was thinking and I’ll wake up to him saying, “I meant to tell you how beautiful you looked a few days ago when you went out to pickup my dry cleaning.”

          Tonight I walked in the house from an appointment and my husband said, “Do you know what I kept thinking about today?” “What, sweetie?” “How great your hair smells when I roll over and kiss you in the mornings. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wished I was doing that at that moment.” I had already seen my husband and spoken to him several times prior to this evening, so he didn’t remember he hadn’t told me what he was thinking until half a day later. At least that’s progress. 😉 Some husbands just have very busy minds and don’t always remember what they actually said out loud, versus what they said in their minds. We should strive to not take it personally and to have grace with them as we would want them to with us. 🙂

          1. thejoyfilledwife,

            I actually had a boss that would do that – he assumed he told his employees things that he never actually said out loud. He just thought them. He really thought he had said what he wanted the girls to do. But he didn’t! That definitely created a lot of confusion. Most of us are awful mind readers!

            I love the way you suggested to respond. That was beautiful!

            What a precious thing to hear your husband say about your hair. Aw! SO SWEET!

  5. Hi April and fellow sisters,

    It is SO TRUE that husbands need to hear our negative feelings in a more condense form than we often prefer to express them. I understand the tapestry of cause and effect related to most issues and want my husband to understand it all, too. However, I’ve learned he can’t process such an extended expression of my feelings and needs the “bare bones” version. I need to 1) express clearly and up front exactly what I’m upset about in one sentence and 2) what I expect and/or need him to do about it. And the calmer I can be when I express it, the better. Thank you for this great post, April.

    1. Elizabeth, you hit the nail on the head right here and I wrote down your post for my journal. I SO needed this reminder. I have difficulty articulating my feelings into words and that alone causes me to drag out what I’m trying to say, compounded with the feeling I need a LOT of words to say it. I love this. Thank you for breaking it down so simply :). Thanks for the post April. I need to really take time to read and re-read this one.

      I wasn’t sure where to post an update, so here’s the “I’m learning to be brief” version! My husband moved home Saturday. We have been talking in great length this last week and jointly decided that we needed to try to make this work. (AMEN AMEN GOD AT WORK!) We agreed that quitting (which is truly where I was, I was ready to be done, and move on without him, being happy with God and my children.) was irresponsible.

      We both love each other very much. We have both sinned, we have both hurt each other, we are both ready to re-invest. Truly the longest, but probably the MOST IMPORTANT six months of my 21 year marriage. I am so very excited to actually get the chance to be the godly wife God created me to be, with my husband HOME.

      Ironically, the day before he decided he was ready to work on us, I read a picture quote: “Just about the time you are ready to give up is when the miracle happens.” Wow. Our Anniversay is August 21st. I was ready to hide on that day. Now I am ready to celebrate this new beginning. Amen.

      1. Catherine! Praise God!!! That is wonderful news and I’m so excited for you, as I’m sure everyone else is. Thank you for the update! I will keep you in prayer and look forward to hearing more about how God is working in your life and your marriage!

      2. Catherine,
        Praise God!!!!!!!!! I am so excited about what God is doing in both of you! Woohooooooo!!!!!! I wish I could hug your neck!

        Thank you so much for sharing. This topic is one that is definitely a biggie when you are reconciling and trying to unlearn destructive habits and relearn how to be a godly wife and how to build a godly marriage. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you both!

      3. Catherine, I’m DELIGHTED!!!!!! How I hoped this would happen, for of course I’ve read your comments and my heart ached for you. I’m happy if my comment helped. Yes, our marriages are worth working on, even when the effort required is tremendous and extended over long periods of time. The expression that relationships refine us, especially marriage, is so true! But that refinement doesn’t happen until we stick with it when things are really painful and difficult and work through conflict with God’s help That’s when spiritual and personal growth really happens! I’m so excited that you and your husband will have this opportunity now to learn to love each other the way God loves us–unselfishly and unconditionally, with his wisdom. Please do continue to share your life with us, and know how happy we are for both of you!!!! Much love and a big hug, Elizabeth

      4. Sharing your excitement and thanks to God, Catherine! This is so encouraging to learn what God is doing in your lives! (btw, you married a month after we did! I pray it’s the happiest anniversary for you, to date!)

      5. Yayyyy!!! Yahweh CAN and DOES restore what is broken! This valley will be such a powerful testimony for you both! Praise The Lord!

  6. My husband has a very dominant personality, so you can imagine that disagreeing with him does not always go over very well. One very important lesson that I have learned with my husband is that timing is everything. If I can catch him in a moment when he is calm, happy, and self-assured, I will get a much better response. I may even be able to persuade him to agree with me. However, if I disagree with him when he is obviously stressed and worked up about something, it is like approaching the dragon’s lair with a juicy offering. It is all teeth and flames!

    What I have to work on is the part about “disagreeing respectfully”. I myself am a hothead at times and I will often just retaliate without thinking first. I also have a tendency to blow up if I am feeling disrespected or hurt.

    Over the years I have really learned to choose my battles with my husband wisely. I used to disagree with him on nearly everything, which really stifled his ability to be a strong leader in the house. I grew up as an only child so I was very used to getting my own way on everything. Now I really work on letting him lead, and often this does START with agreeing with his decisions, and ultimately I leave it in God’s hands as to whether my husband is making a wise decision or not.

    1. Mrs. G.,

      Thank you for sharing your story! What valuable information for wives married to dominant husbands. If only we could all know this stuff when we are newlyweds!!!

  7. April, I don’t have much time but I wanted to let you know how awesome God is once again! I was just discussing this with my Journey Friend this morning. She is struggling with talking to her husband about something that is hurting her. She said she needed a sign. God is always on time!!! Thank you for allowing Him to work through you!

    1. Daisymae,
      Sometimes, I just know that God is prompting me to write about a certain topic. I may have already written other posts, but I know that nope, I need to write about this thing instead. I praise God it was a blessing to your friend!

      1. AND apparently I needed it too! I never expected a very angry husband to come home yesterday when I wrote this but that is exactly what happened. I talk about it in my response to M this morning. Thanks again for another timely lesson!

  8. Hi Peacefulwife! This is my first comment EVER on your blog though I’ve been reading your blog daily for a few months now and I love it!!! I am 23, been married 2 years, and my husband and I have a 1 year old. My husband is in the Army Reserves while finishing his degree, and then he will be Active Duty in the Army. My question for you is this: My husband gets opportunities quite frequently to do various training activities with the military. He’s actually been gone for the past 7 weeks (and won’t be coming home for a few more weeks) due to Army training, some that he HAD to do, and some that he volunteered for. Anyway, he is very frequently gone from me and my daughter because he chooses to sign up for Army things that he does not necessarily need to do. I understand that sometimes he needs to be gone for his career but sometimes he leaves to do additional training just for fun. He usually asks me what I think of him leaving again along the lines of “Hey babe, I have an opportunity to go on this trip (sometimes they are paid, sometimes they are not) What do you think?” and I will tell him that I don’t want him to be away more than he already has, and I want him to come home and stay home. I tell him this respectfully. Usually he will go anyway. He wants to be in the Army much longer than I would like him to be (many years) and I’ve told him I don’t want him to be in the military forever, but he seems to not care. I just don’t know what to do. Do I continue to tell him how I feel or do I just drop it and let him constantly choose to take “trips” and be gone when he doesn’t need to be? I’d love some advice! Thankyou so very much 🙂

    1. Mrsvalor,
      I am so glad to hear from you! 🙂

      If you haven’t already, you may want to search my home page for “military” – there are some posts that may be a blessing to you. Also, you may want to search “husband job” and check out that post or two.

      It seems like he really loves his job and enjoys it. That is a great thing. I am glad you share that you love for him to be home. I think you could say it like this, “Honestly, I really miss you when you are gone. I love it so much when you are home. But I will support whatever you believe is best for your career and our family.”

      Then, allow him grace to make the decision. And don’t resent him. That is the trickiest part.

      I believe it is important for him to be able to make these decisions for himself, AND for him to know how you feel. But if he feels supported and you make a big deal out of when he is home and treat him really well when he is home, he may decide to be home more. Maybe. Maybe not. But enjoy him when he is home. And tell him how proud you are of him when he does go on training trips. To with him, listen to whatever he wants to share. Be excited for him. Pray for him. Focus on god and deepening your walk with Christ. Honor his leadership about your marriage and child rearing even when he is gone.

      Sending you a huge hug, my precious girl!!! Thank you and your husband for all that you do for our country!!!

      1. Thankyou for your advice, it is right in line with what the Holy Spirit has been impressing on my heart lately. I certainly struggle with not becoming resentful. Do you have any advice for that or a blog post to direct me to? I really appreciate it!!

        1. Mrsvalor,

          Resentment comes so easily, doesn’t it?

          You may want to search my home page for:
          – idol
          – idolatry
          – discontentment
          – contentment
          – bitterness
          – forgiveness
          – expectations

          Praying for you!

        2. mrsvalor, One thing that helps me with resentment is telling myself, I am doing this for God. God wants me to do this and I am pleasing Him.

    2. Just a thought from someone who has been married to a soldier for many years now.. Recently my husband has opened up to me about how he has felt about my resentment of him being gone so much (he has deployed twice for a year, has been in training on active duty A LOT and has had other shorter deployments, he has worked from 0500 to almost time for bed and would come home so exhausted he would just fall asleep on almost a daily basis, he would call me and let me know he wasn’t coming home on a Monday morning until next Monday because they JUST found out they had to go to the field.. this actually happened quite often.. he would have to work weekends often because someone else in the unit got drunk and did something foolish and everyone in the unit would have to go in to work for the weekend, he deployed with a week’s notice twice, once very shortly after I had our first child.. the first deployment was for one year only 3 months after we married and I was 17). I was very resentful and these ladies are giving you amazingly good advice by telling you not to be!!!!!!!

      He got out of the army once because of how much I hated it. And it caused a huge distance in our marriage. He was trying to make me happy. I thought things should be going really well, he was home more, I saw him all the time. But it actually made him feel like I cheated him in a way, and he resented me for it, and instead of being closer we became so far apart for some years that it was a very dark place. I was able to talk to him less than when he couldn’t even stay awake to talk because he was no longer open to me. He tried not to be resentful, but a man’s work can really be a part of their identity.

      I just want to save you some of the heartache. Support him in what he wants to do so the time that you do have together can be full of joy and love and peace instead of contention and anger. It will be hard, but he will love you for it and cherish you if you support him with all your heart. It has nothing to do with you. Let me say that again. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He will miss you, and your children, and think about you with more love than you can imagine (and you may have a hard time feeling it, but it will be you that he is thinking about and longing to see).

      It really never made sense to me, how he could be longing for me when he chose to be away from me, but now I can see it because he lovingly explained all of this to me while we were taking a stroll together one day. One more time, for effect, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. But you will not be able to change him. I thought I could and it was so damaging to both of us and our relationship.

      Support him and win his admiration, rather than discourage him and become his enemy. If he is a believer pray for him, because he will have more witnessing opportunities in the military than perhaps anywhere else. If you give him your respect and help, it will be easier for him to command respect of his peers and have a godly influence on them. If it is any consolation, mine is about to be gone for training for a year again and I will be somewhere that I don’t know anyone at all, and will probably not see him much. The life of the wife of a soldier is very lonely. The wife of a soldier must be prepared to be lonely often. They are a different type of man. I pray the Lord will help you and strengthen you for what lies ahead in your life. And just one last thing. Tell him you miss him often, but don’t say anything about wanting him to stay home more. He will probably try to do it to make you happy, and it could cause resentment at times when he thinks of missed opportunities. He is probably trying to gain experience right now so he can be proficient in his skillset and have more of an influence over his peers. Just a thought.

      1. I fully concur with Anon, MrsValor. Drawing very near to the Lord as the wife of a military man is the best advice I can give. Find your identity, your strength, your companion in the lonely times in Him. I don’t think I would be where I am in my walk with the Lord if my husband had not gone into the military–because God has used the times of separation and other difficult challenges to grab my attention and turn my heart to Him, and in turn toward my husband.

        It doesn’t sound like your husband is at his first duty station yet, but when you do move there, you might check to see if there is a PWOC group that meets on post. (Protestant Women of the Chapel). There is great support there for fellow Christian military wives. Making friends with like-miinded wives who are going through the same experiences and challenges can help you not feel so alone, and there is something about being with others who truly understand what this lifestyle is like that bonds you together in a way that civilian wives don’t always comprehend. (Plus, we military wives along with the others here on Peacefulwife are here for you too!) 🙂

        I pray the Lord will bind your heart together with your husband, and grow you in faith in His love and care for you. There are many exciting times ahead for you both! It is a lifestyle that brings with it frequent change, and always a new adventure!

        -Heather (HisHelper)

  9. “A husband may think his wife is being sarcastic at first when his wife attempts to speak respectfully because there may be a long history of disrespect, contention and conflict in the marriage.”

    This might be especially true if she has established a long history of disrespect via sarcasm and sarcastic humor in their interactions. If he is familiar with her sarcasm, then her new changes will most definitely be seen as untrustworthy.

    In essence, he may be asking himself, “What is the significance in what she is NOT saying right now?” He likely won’t trust the absence of sarcasm he has grown to expect – and by which she has already taught him to expect through her previous actions.

    I’ve even had moments when I’ve been challenged to accept April’s good intent as just that, and I’ve given her a bit more trust than I would have otherwise.

    1. RG,
      Thank you so much for your response!

      I think that communicating online via typing can promote these kinds of misunderstandings even more readily. You can’t see my facial expressions, my body language or hear my tone of voice. That can definitely create miscommunication and misunderstandings. And, sadly, if a man has not seen a woman treat men respectfully very often, he may have a really tough time believing that she could truly be respectful. So, I can understand how it could be very challenging for you, and other men, to trust a woman.

      For a couple who has built a history where the wife has been very sarcastic and disrespectful, I completely agree with you. It would be extremely difficult at first, from the man’s perspective, to trust her intent and motives as being genuinely respectful. It will take some time. A long time, usually (months, maybe even a year or years) of seeing that his wife has truly changed and is seeking to respect her husband, to honor him and to biblically submit to him before he will feel safe with her.

      It took me 2.5 years to fumble around and try to understand what exactly disrespect and respect even were and how to tell the difference and how to express respect and live out respect in practical ways. And it was 3.5 years from the beginning of my journey until Greg felt safe with me again.

      But, I look at it like this:

      During that time while a wife is sincerely seeking to honor, respect and submit to her husband and he is skeptical, she can use that time to refine her motives and seek to do these things to simply please God regardless of her husband’s response. It is a major time of spiritual growth if we are willing to approach it that way! This is pure sanctification.

      Thanks for sharing!

  10. Well, I have to say I’m learning a lot from your blogs. Today there was something I needed to discuss with my husband…so I asked to speak with him outside. I kept calm, my voice low, my nerves in check..meaning I didn’t let tears or frustration take over. After I finished saying what I had to say; part of it was me telling him that I looked at myself and realized I HAD been disrespectful to him over years and apologized for that; he said something I NEVER EVER thought I would hear…..”Ok, I hear you” and he nodded and this time it felt like he did hear me. Now, there still is a distance between us but for a moment my heart wasn’t so heavy. This past Sunday the pastor read the verse about the plank in the eye…and last night I came across one of your older blogs not knowing you that same verse….I took that as something with noting for myself. Thank you for your posts. My journey might be a long one but I have faith in the Lord the He will get us thru this and well be a stronger couple and family in the end.

    1. Katt2697,

      I am so excited to hear about what God is doing in your life! I love how you approached your husband and that he was able to hear you!!! Woohoo!!!

      This is a long journey for all of us. But it is so very worth it to be close to God and to learn to be the women and wives God desires us to be. May God use you to richly bless your husband and may He guide you to understand what it looks like to honor, respect and cooperate with your husband’s leadership for His greatest glory!!

    2. katt2697,

      That is wonderful to hear that you’ve realized your past disrespect and apologized to your husband for it! As April always says, it could take a while for him to respond positively to your new displays of authentic respect (although his initial response seemed pretty positive already!), but I’m excited for the path you are on and pray blessings for you and your family! God is doing good, good things. 🙂

  11. Hi all!
    When we lay everything at the Lord’s feet and surrender the things burdening us, what do we do after that? What do I pray? What do I do about those things? How do I let The Lord lead me everyday in those things …specifically things we need answers for? This is one part I don’t understand. Give God control but then what? I don’t know what to read unless it’s a devotion that many times doesn’t pertain to what I’m waiting on. I want to understand. Do I keep praying about those things? How do I hear Gods guidance if I’m to seek Him for everything? And I’m hearing the enemy most of the time…not God. I pray. I read a lot. I seek. I knock. I ask.
    Can someone help me understand?
    Thank you!!!!

    1. I forgot to ask for examples of what your (anyone) day looks like when you’re surrendered. How you find the guidance and His will. Thnx!!!

    2. PLM,

      Is there anything you believe you may be holding back from God?

      What are your greatest fears?

      What do you believe you have to have to be happy?

      What have you been doing in your quiet times with God and His Word?

      I hope you might check out The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee and Crazy Love by Francis Chan and Radical by David Platt.

      Much love!

    3. May I recommend a program…..I hope it is ok, April. I listened to a program recently by revive our hearts that I believe is very helpful. It was a recent interview with Kim and Leroy Wagner. There testimony is so amazing. The husband is a pastor and they talk about their struggles early on in marriage and how they over came them. I think it would be helpful and give a wonderful perspective. I believe it is a 5 day interview and one of the days Mrs. Wagner discusses how to confront your husband about sin, respectfully. It’s a powerful interview.

      1. savedbygrace,

        Sure, you can share! I am hoping a number of wives might share. PLM and I have had a number of conversations about these issues. So, I think some other wives’ ideas might be super helpful. 🙂 Thank you!

    4. Hi PLM!

      Laying down EVERYTHING at the foot of Jesus’ Cross means putting:

      – all worries
      – all concerns
      – all fears
      – all failure
      – all hopes
      – all ambitions
      – all dreams

      at His Feet.

      It means letting go of control and of the desire to be independent of God.
      it means dying to self and killing all these fleshly desires or worldly desires that make ME the god of myself.
      It means letting God reign in every aspect of my life, so much so, that I hold everything and everyone loosely – even my loved ones and most especially my own self.
      It means trusting in God’s Provisions.
      It means resting in His Sovereignty and knowing with my mind and heart that HE IS IN CONTROL! 🙂

      What you do after putting EVERYTHING at the foot of Jesus’ Cross is to let go of all those. No worries, no fears. God will lead you. Ask the Spirit to guide you how to serve God and how to make your life fulfill the purpose that God had specifically designed for you at the beginning of time.

      It’s not easy to simply point out that God will lead you to do this and to do that, because each faith experience is unique and personal. Only you, PLM can discern what it is God wants YOU to do. None of us could do that for you. You must be still and willing to listen to the Lord in order to really know what it is He wants of you.

      Maybe this post of mine may help? 🙂 HOW DO I KNOW IF THIS IS GOD’S WILL FOR ME?

      God bless you, sister in Christ.



  12. I wanted to share this with anyone like me who has a Alpha Male husband who can at times being overbearing and extreme. I am not criticizing him. His strong qualities are what I love about him, but in communicating it can be trying.

    When we are having a disagreement, he tends to talk loudly and talk over me, assuming he knows what I am going to say and not letting me speak. In the past, this just resulted in screaming matches and nothing resolved and intimacy lost. Not to mention he becomes extremely angry because he is being disrespected.

    I have tried the timer thing where we each get a chance to talk. Didn’t work. He could not allow me even a few seconds of my time. I know this is how he learned to communicate and it just needs to be unlearned.

    So what I have started doing is when we have a disagreement about something, I think of 2 to 3 sentences that I would like to say that gets my thoughts out respectfully. I start my sentence in a quiet calm voice and he interrupts about 5 words in. I listen to what he says and say sometime like I understand that you disagree with x. Here are my thoughts. And then I start my sentence the exact same way I did the first time calmly and quietly. I might get 6 words out this time and he starts loudly talking again. I listen and say I understand what you are saying. Here is what I would like to say. This may happen up to 10 times and NO I am not kidding. Finally, he will sigh and say OK Go ahead and say what you want to say. I do, adding that I am not saying you have to agree with me, I just wanted you to know how I feel and he usually leaves the area without another word and the rest of the day goes well.

    It has really worked great. It is not easy because I sound like a broken record and I have to make sure to keep my voice in the same calm, peaceful tone and not sound angry and not scream If you would just listen!! 🙂

    Just wanted to share for all those ladies out there with wonderful strong alpha male husbands who just have a hard time being quiet and listening. 🙂

    1. Daisymae,
      Thank you very much for sharing this! I think it will be very helpful to some other wives. And, I hope that maybe, in time, he will not talk loudly over you, but learn that you are going to be calm, so he might stay calm, too. Please keep us updated!

      I wonder for other wives with alpha male husbands – does it also work if you send a brief email? Maybe he can’t interrupt that way?

      1. I find notes or e-mails are perfect for praise, but have learned not to use them for disagreeing or anything that could be perceived as challenging. I think what DaisyMae is doing is really smart.

          1. April,

            If you don’t mind my expanding on the subject of e-mailing, your point of the possibility of misunderstandings is very important.

            If I may add, sometimes the very act of putting important things in writing can be viewed as disrespectful. It’s like, you don’t have enough respect to say it to his face and give him the opportunity to respond immediately.

            I recognize that not all husbands would feel this way, but it’s been my experience.

            On the flip side, I sent a short email to my husband years ago thanking him for working so hard. It felt like a little impulsive not much thought of act at the time…..He just recently told me he printed it up and carried it in his wallet for years…..It confirmed, among other things, that words put into writing carry more weight than words spoken sometimes…So we also need to be careful when writing or typing words that could be disagreeable. :^)

            1. Julie,
              This is so helpful. I do hope you might also allow me to share what you have learned – anonymously, of course!. And I LOVE how much that note meant to him that you gave him so long ago. PRECIOUS!!!!!!

              I would love to share some of what you have learned in these situations, as well, if that would be ok!

      2. I think you are right, April. I think him figuring out that I will be brief and respectful is a big key to him listening.

        For me, no, an email/text won’t work. I tried that several times and he won’t read them or if he does he starts texting back arguing. I think that him hearing my tone is important. It usually defuses the situation when he finally decides to listen.

        I know much of this is my fault because in the past I have gone on and on and been forceful in my opinion. But some of it has to do with his personality and how he has communicated all his life because he does it with almost anyone he disagrees with.

        1. Daisymae,

          I’m glad you shared this. I will be interested to know how things continue to change and transition as he begins to see that you are not going to argue, that you do respect him, that you are honoring and submitting to him… This is such an amazing journey! I love being on this road with you and all the other ladies!

          1. Daisymae,
            Oh! That is also such a good point. I think that some husbands SOUND so harsh – but they may not even realize it. They may also not realize how intimidating they look and how angry they look. They may think they are just having a conversation, but not realize their nonverbal body language and tone of voice and expressions.

            If only we could all see ourselves on camera when we are having these intense discussions to see how we come across to others!

    2. I have similar experiences in communicating with my command man husband too, Daisymae! I have always understood that good communication is supposed to be like passing a ball back and forth–each person taking turns adding to the full conversation as the ball is tossed to them. But, when I try to do this with my husband, it does not usually work. For me and my man, I find it best to just keep quiet and let him talk, talk, talk, not giving my input until he is all finished with what he wants to say. So, instead of passing the ball back and forth in a good rhythm, he takes his time dribbling the ball a good while before passing it to me to speak! 😉

      As a side note, in all honesty, I think the flaw is often in me–I tend to interrupt to inquire about details or clarify something he has said as he is speaking, and he sees that as disrespectful–which I can understand why. I suppose if I had specific things I wanted to communicate to someone, having them cut in and interrupt my train of thought with questions would be rude! 🙂

      It’s great to hear of other ladies’ experiences whose husbands have stronger personalities!


      1. HisHelper,
        Thank you so very much for sharing your experiences, too!

        I know many wives will be blessed!

        Maybe I could compile a post between some of the different wives’ takes on this issue and what is working in each marriage. What would y’all think? I want to get more resources and ideas out there for women who are married to men with very strong leadership/strong personalities and high drive.

  13. Hi April,

    I’ve been on this journey to try and become a respectful wife for about 18 months, and have been married 32 years. My husband is not a believer, which makes it very hard, but I walk VERY closely with the Lord. I am asking for some advice on a source of real contention in my marriage. Every August, my husband throws a big party (35-50 people) at hour house called “Man’s Day” which has a different theme every year. I HATE man’s day with a passion because it involves HEAVY drinking which my husband encourages greatly, even withholding the yearly give away gifts (usually hats/t-shirts or something like that) until the male has had a shot. The day goes from around 4 until midnight. I just absolutely hate all the drinking (hubby drinks way too much) and I hate all the loud secular music. This is by far the most difficult day of the year for me. This year, a very beloved neighbor’s son is getting married and I desperately wanted to go to the wedding but my husband forbid it saying it would be “abandoning” him on his man’s day party when he wants me to be by his side.

    I feel like it is blatant sin with all the excessive drinking and as the evening wears on, talk gets more disrespectful and dishonoring to the Lord. Words cannot convey how very much I hate this every year. How can I get through this day without being disrespectful to my husband, but honoring God at the same time. The two seem to be diabolically opposed.

    Many, many blessings to you for your wonderful ministry!!!


    1. Laura,

      Now that is a test.

      I can understand why you don’t want to be there. I would feel the same exact way.

      I wonder if we can pray together for God to show you a way this year to honor your husband but to not have to support such an event? What day is the party?

    2. hi Laura,

      Just wanted to say, congratulations for being married 32 years! you (and he) must be doing something right!
      Thank goodness that this ‘mans day’ is only once a year!

      I would explain soon before the night respectfully that you really don’t feel comfortable with his mans day but that you support his need for such a gathering to let his hair down etc, you could ask him is he might fancy doing an activity day (for a change) which may be more fun and then leave it…I would have to ask if he was ok with me going out for a ladies night and go for a spa or pamper somewhere with some friends and leave him to it. and then just pray, and pray some more.

      at least it will be over my midnight and not 2, 3 or 4 in the morning, it could be worse, but I do understand now horrid this is for you, compromises need to be made…

      I will pray about it too…lots of love xx Julia

  14. I would love prayers and any advice!

    Hubby wants to buy a local business that has been winding down lately. He is a manager in his work and earns a very good wage. I work part time.

    He wants to use our house as collateral and basically this will take us to living pay check to pay check. We lived like that first few years of our marriage and it was extremely hard and stressful and caused lots of arguments. He went without consulting me and met with the owners of the business and then went to the bank for a meeting too.

    I told him I’m concerned and would want to see that we won’t be losing half our income if he did this. It’s unfair on all of us. He has a history of poor financial decisions and not listening to my point of view ever on things like this…

    I’m very scared and just don’t know how I should act about this.

    1. GWTB,
      I am glad you shared your concerns. I can absolutely understand your concerns here. And I know your husband is not a believer, so that probably makes it even harder to trust his decision making process.

      I do believe that God can lead you through your husband. I don’t think that losing half of your income means you would have to argue a lot. It could be an incredible opportunity to show him that you are supporting him, that you believe in him, that you are willing to work with him for him to find his dream job.

      I think this subject would require a LOT of prayer, probably also fasting, and great sensitivity to God’s Spirit. You may not have any choice in the matter. Yet, God is still sovereign. THANKFULLY! Would you be able to try to be excited about this idea and hear what he thinks may be the positives about it?

      Are you willing to support him even if he goes ahead with this against your wishes?

      I am praying for you my precious friend!

      1. I don’t see how I can agree to something I feel will put our family in greater debt and possibly cause us to lose everything if if doesn’t work out.

        He wants to do dodgy things with tax and I’m against that too.

        I’m on the house mortgage so I would need to sign to allow this to happen.

        The positives he shared weren’t very much. He gets to do what he wants, no dust from the mines on his clothes and said he would quit smoking because he couldn’t afford it :/

        He would be working more hours, we would be very limited in what we could do. It means I can’t travel to the city as much to see my family which is important for me. Means we are stuck in this town I do not want to stay in. Means I am the main bread winner working in a job I don’t find ideal but I’m doing it for the best of the family so I think he should too. Also means more debt, possibility of losing our house etcetera.

        1. GWTB,

          You don’t have to agree. You are free to disagree. But God does command us to honor our husbands’ leadership by submitting to them. See “Submitting Under Protest.”

          I can absolutely understand you not wanting to lie or cheat on taxes. You can say, “I’m not ok with doing that. I can’t do that. It’s not right.”

          Let’s pray together that God might work in your husband’s heart to direct him according to His will. Is God able to use even your husband’s poor decision for good? YES! Could He use this to bring your husband to repentance? Yes.

          I don’t know God’s will. I am not privy to what God wants to do in your husband’s life. I do think you can respectfully share your concerns. But then if he is adamant about doing this, I think you can support him, which is in line with I Peter 3:1-6. God may use your support of this decision to draw your husband to yourself and to Himself. It may force your husband into a corner where he realizes his need for God. I don’t know.

          But I do know that if you refuse to cooperate with him and you continue to fight him, it will likely tear your marriage down even more.

          Praying for God to give you wisdom and His direction, power, strength, peace and love. And praying for God to work in your husband’s heart for His greatest glory and His will and your husband’s salvation.

          Much love my precious sister!

          1. GWTB,

            Here is something to consider… 🙂

            A couple we know left TX many years ago and moved to Augusta, GA. The husband felt strongly that he needed to leave his very good corporate job and move his family to another state to take a job where he would be making less than half of his former income. They did not have enough income to meet all of their expenses on paper.

            Two years later, his former company, Enron, completely folded. He would have lost everything.

            How do any of us know from our very limited human perspective whether God may be prompting your husband to want to do this? How do we know if God may be sparing him from a mining accident or if God may use this to help your husband stop smoking so he doesn’t get lung cancer? Or if God will bring someone to your husband through this decision who may lead him to Christ?

            We don’t know.

            You absolutely have legitimate concerns. I believe you can share those and then tell him that you will trust him to make the best decision for the family and ultimately, trust God to lead you through this imperfect man.

            Was God able to use pagan kings in the Old Testament to accomplish His will? Absolutely. Read the story of Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel. Can a God use an unsaved husband to lead a believing wife? absolutely! He can and He does.

            The question here is whether you will trust God’s sovereignty. I am sure you will have a lot of wrestling to do. I am not saying it will be easy or there will be no cost to you personally. There probably will be. But maybe God will use this to strengthen your marriage or to avert disaster or to bring about great good that you and I cannot begin to fathom.

            Or, if this is not God’s will, He is able to change your husband’s mind in ways that you cannot.

            I believe we can trust God to work in your husband to accomplish His will in your life and family.

            I don’t see where you are exempt from God’s commands for you as a wife, even though this is a potentially scary financial situation. But I do believe this is a big test of faith for you and that God can use this to make you more and more holy and to refine your faith and your character and that He may use this very trial to accomplish miracles in your life, your husband’s life and in your family.

            I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!!!

  15. I don’t like to be disrespected and if it is unwarranted there is always a price to be paid for it! Then we have peace.

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