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Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin – VIDEO

 

 

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(a 16 minute video)

I wanted to do this topic as a video so that you can hear my tone of voice and see facial expressions and body language. Conflict is difficult. Confronting our husbands’ sin respectfully is hard. I want to try to give you all the tools I can on this.

Scripture I use in this video – let us apply these personally in our lives:

– Matthew 7:1-5 (We need to deal with our own sin first)

– Matthew 18:15-17 (Jesus’ commandments about how to confront a believer who sins against us)

– Ephesians 5:22-33 (always applies to us as wives, even when our husbands sin against us)

– I Corinthians 13:4-8 (the godly love God commands us to show to our husbands, and everyone, at all times as believers)

– Romans 12:9-21 (how God desires us to treat our enemies, so surely God desires us to treat our husbands at least this well)

Check out the post “Spiritual Authority” at the top of my home page to see Rev. Weaver’s notes about how to make an appeal to someone in spiritual authority over us. SUPER helpful.

 

If we are going to confront our husbands about their sin, there are a few things I believe we must keep in mind first:

1. We must repent of our own sin and have our own lives straight with God and our husbands.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

2. We must be humble, respectful and gentle, being careful not to fall into temptation ourselves as scripture warns us not to when we are admonishing a brother who has fallen into sin.

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Galatians 6:1

3. We must be sure we don’t have sinful motives – pride, self-righteousness, hatred, contempt, unforgiveness, bitterness, malice, etc…

Our only motives must be to love God with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength and to love our husbands with the love of Christ

Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’d 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-39

4. We can share our hearts, our hurts, our pain PRIVATELY with our husbands. We should try to choose a good time when our husbands are best able to hear us if possible.  I would suggest sharing our concerns briefly and probably just once in most cases. I would also suggest not bringing up things from the past. In our house we have a “rule” that we don’t bring up things that are over 2 weeks old. We also have a “rule” that we don’t have big important discussions after 10:00pm. If at all possible, I would also recommend not having a big discussion when you are hungry, exhausted, hormonal or sick.

I would also suggest approaching the issue from a perspective of being hurt and in pain rather than anger. Our husbands can hear our vulnerability and respond to pain better than they can respond to anger generally. We can communicate that we are angry – and there will be times that is necessary – but I suggest doing that softly to be heard more powerfully. 

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold… 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4

5. We will need sensitivity to God’s Spirit to know exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it vs. when not to say anything with words but just use our attitude and actions to speak to our husbands.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whateverc you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 9 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

6. We cannot force our husbands to do what we want. We can share our hearts briefly and vulnerably with gentleness, kindness and respect. Then we must wait on God to bring conviction and allow our husbands to choose repentance. 

Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. 8 And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: 9 concerning sin, because they do not believe in me; 10concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father, and you will see me no longer; 11 concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. John 16

A NOTE ABOUT MATTHEW 18:15-17 and “SHUNNING”

If our husbands don’t listen to us and won’t repent of serious sin, we may need to follow Matthew 18:15-17 and involve 1-2 other believers and possibly the church. However, I Peter 3:1-6 gives instructions to wives about how to treat their husbands if the husbands are disobedient to the Word (living in sin, far from God). I am not sure a wife would “shun” an unrepentant husband the way the church would. There are times separation may be necessary, with prayer for reconciliation. Separation is not sin, though it is not ideal. There is a passage about if a wife must separate from her husband in I Corinthians 7 with God’s instructions to a wife in such a situation.

And, please keep Romans 12:9-21 in mind about how God commands us to treat our enemies.

RELATED:

“When My Spouse Is Wrong.”

A Godly Wife Confronts Her Angry Husband Respectfully

a video, To Speak or Not to Speak 

I also have a written post about this – To Speak or Not to Speak

You may also search my home page for terms like:

  • porn
  • conflict
  • husband sinned
  • controlling husband
  • abuse

NOTE:

If there is abuse, or serious issues in the marriage (uncontrolled mental health issues, unrepentant adultery, active drug/alcohol addictions, or you or your children are not safe) – please seek appropriate help in person whether from the police, a trusted pastor, a godly counselor, or a doctor (depending on the situation).

Free Christian Counseling available at www.focusonthefamily.org

 

 

75 thoughts on “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin – VIDEO

  1. April, I think you’re right about not shunning your husband. It would have to be pretty bad in order for a wife to shun her husband, such as if he is beating her or abusing her in some way, spending all of his paycheck on gambling, or if he is abusing the children.

    (If he is abusing the children, you should call the police and have him jailed, for their protection. But you could visit him in jail.)

  2. I saw a book in a Christian bookstore that advocated shunning a spouse and it really bothered me that this advice was touted as scriptural. I absolutely agree that wives should shun their husbands unless there is a threat of danger (or illegal activity) to them or their children. I would consider a long term affair or sexual sin to be a similar circumstance. However, since marriage is intended to be an image of Christ and the Church, marital shunning steers away from that imagery. Christ does not shun His bride, though she (we) continues in sin. We are called to love as Christ loves. Thank you for refuting such teaching that encourages marital shunning.

  3. It is extremely hard when your husband is not a believer. I think it’s harder for them to be convicted and repentful cause they don’t have God’s Spirit helping them.

    I find this really hard. When I’ve done it all the way you said and he’s still hard hearted and not repentful.

    1. Godlywifetobe,
      An unbeliever is spiritually dead. So, absolutely, this will be much harder. Until he receives Christ, he is incapable of real repentance. I Peter 3:1-6 is the most powerful way God gives a believing wife to witness to her lost husband.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and power for you.

      Thanks everyone for sharing your comments!

      1. I read a great book many years ago, before my husband was saved, called “Beloved Unbeliever”. It helped me as well as the friend I passed it along to.

  4. Nina Roesner calls that “emotionally vomiting” on her husband.

    Not pretty!

    Thank you for sharing, Andra and Kelly and Senterwife. I appreciate y’all encouraging each other so much!

  5. Hi April,

    I’ve been following your blog for some time and I think that you are someone I can trust to give godly advice.

    I checked your “contact me” page and read that comments are the way to go. I completely respect that, especially considering the popularity of your blog. I would like to keep my problems as private as possible.

    I’m hurting, scared and trying to hard to lean on God and not on my own understanding. I’m angry, and trying to be respectful in spite of my anger and frustration and disappointment in my husband. I feel like it makes it harder to relate to so much of the content on this blog, as the urge to be disrespectful, hurtful and distant is not “baseless” but based in very deep hurt and betrayal.

    Please pray for me and if you can respond, an email would be appreciated, but comments are fine.

    Thank you!

    1. Nicole,

      Oh how my heart breaks for you, my sweet sister!

      Quite honestly, my blog may not be a good fit at first when wives are just beginning to heal from infidelity. I believe you may need more specific and experienced help.

      Are you and your husband seeing a Christian counselor?

      Has your husband bee willing to be transparent and rebuild trust with you?

      After you deal with the pain and hurt and grief and when trust is being restored, my blog may be a better fit.

      I recommend wives dealing with adultery to get one on one godly help from a godly mentoring wife or pastor orChristian counselor.

      I have not been through infidelity on my husband’s – although I personally became infatuated with another nan early in our marriage. 🙁 I know how destructive even an emotional affair can be.

      What have you read or done to begin to heal?

      Much love!
      April

    2. Nicole,

      I cut out part of your comment, for privacy’s sake for you. 🙂

      But, I do also want to share that every wife I know, myself included, had reasons that we believed were valid reasons why we shouldn’t have to respect our husbands.

      Being sinned against HURTS. God hates sin. Sin hurts and destroys people and relationships.

      What I didn’t realize for a long time was that my sin was hurting and destroying our marriage as much as my husband’s sins were.

      If you have been on the road to healing for awhile, you may be ready to begin to look at resentment and bitterness and forgiveness in more depth.

      You are welcome to search my home page for:
      – forgiveness
      – bitterness

      And, I love the book Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller – super amazing book about how we as believers extend grace to our spouses.

      There may be some incredible resources for wives recovering from their husbands’ infidelity, as well. Which is why I hope you will find a godly mentoring wife or counselor to help you walk through this, especially at first.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      Much love,
      April

  6. Hi can you please help me. My husband has been unfaithful our whole marriage. We have been married for 8 years with 3 children and I recently found out that throughout our whole marriage he has been on dating forums being sexually immoral with strange women and has fallen in love with one of them. I am deeply hurt and don’t know what to do.

    1. Mary,

      Oh no! I am so very sorry to hear about what an incredibly painful situation you are in. 🙁

      In cases of adultery (I am assuming you mean that he is actually having sex?) – there can be times when a godly wife must separate from her husband. My prayer would be that he might repent and allow God to change him and that sometime in the future, he might decide to be a godly husband. But if he will not repent, separation may be the only option.

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Does he claim a relationship with Christ?

      Does he acknowledge that what he has been doing is a complete violation of your marriage covenant? What is his response?

      Do you have a godly mentoring wife or biblical counselor you can speak to?

      Much love to you!

  7. Dear April, my husband is at heart a good man. He has none of the “big” sins like adultery, alcohol, or abusive behavior. But he tends to be a sensitive, dreamy, head in the clouds type of person, and as a result, he has trouble holding a job. We’ve been married for 9 years and he has had ten different jobs which have required us to move five times to four different states. He quit his previous job last week without having a new one lined up. Some of the jobs he’s been fired, some he’s been asked to resign, some he’s quit voluntarily. Some of the problems have come from his head in the clouds mentality, for example losing company credit cards and cell phones or missing meetings or forgetting details and ruining big projects. Now he is talking about moving again even though he doesn’t have a job lined up in the place we might go. Is this something I should confront him about, or should I just keep submitting to his decisions? It would be a hard conversation to tell him that maybe his behavior is part of his problem.

    1. Aimee,

      I can understand that this would be quite stressful on a wife and family. Has he ever been diagnosed with anything like ADD or bi-polar? Has he been evaluated by a doctor for his memory? There could be something neurological going on.

      I don’t know that you would need to “confront him” since this isn’t really a sin – and may not even be something over which he has control to some degree – but you certainly can gently, respectfully bring up your concerns and talk about that you would like to stay put and maybe see if there is something going on medically that could be helped?

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you both!

  8. Thank you so much Amy, you have helped me so much over the years with your blog. Sometimes I fall back into my old self. Then your kind a d spiritual words are such a blessing and your words are practical at the same time. Thank you again. May God bless you always.
    Angela

    1. Angela,
      You are most welcome. We are all plenty capable of switching back into sinful flesh mode. Praying for you to abide in Christ and to allow Him to be in control. I’m here if you want to talk, my dear sister. 🙂

      Much love!

  9. April, your blog has helped me through the past 9 months. After 5 years of being room mates with my husband, I feel that God brought my heart back to him. I started to read everything I could on how to respect him and how to be a Godly wife. I feel God led me to your blog and has opened my eyes to so much of my sin through it.

    Just as all of this was happening I found text messages on his phone from a girl he worked with. I feel that he had an emotional affair with this woman. It’s been an intense struggle for the past 9 months. He no longer works with her, I believe this to be answered prayer. But the problem that I’m having is that he’s never admitted to this and I feel has manipulated the entire situation saying I’m crazy and I just need to trust him, etc.

    What I’m struggling with now is that it feels like he’s trying to push it all under the rug. Doesn’t want to discuss anything. We’re seeing a “Christian” counselor who tells me I just need to trust my husband and that nothing he’s done has been inappropriate. (Carpooling with this woman, texting this woman, dressing up and doing his hair special for this woman, etc.) I’m sure that a lot of my insecurity has to do with coming out of 5 years of being room mates. But my gut feeling is that it was not “just a friendship” and I can’t shake that. Since he’s not willing to discuss this anymore and since he doesn’t admit to having feelings for this woman, it’s hard for me to NOT think he did even more with her.

    I’m trying to be a Godly/respectful wife, but how do I do that when I feel so betrayed and manipulated? How do I confront him about this without accusing, as my husband says I do?
    All I want is the truth. I’ve been praying for that for months now. Some days are better than others but it’s driving me crazy. I think I can stay and things can improve if I respect him and then I think I need to move on with my life and get away from all of this negativity that he has me in. Nothing adds up.

    1. Terri,

      Thank you so much for reaching out, my precious sister!

      I obviously don’t know what your husband did or did not do. It gets really difficult to prove exactly what he did and what he thought and everything he said to this woman to you. Could he be hiding something? Yes, possibly.

      Is he still in contact with her? Have you ever seen the text messages?

      You can’t bring this up without accusing him. To bring it up IS to accuse him and suspect him of infidelity on some level.

      Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up on yourself with me on this post?

      What if he did have feelings for her? How would his admitting that change things for you at this point?

      What if he had a sexual affair? What would you want to do now?

      What is your desire in your relationship with Christ?

      Your counselor feels that your concerns are not valid? Do you know why? Do you believe you can trust your husband at this point?

      Much love to you and the biggest hug!

        1. What would give me security is knowing the truth. The past 8 months he’s felt like a stranger. Now that he’s no longer working with her, he’s more like my husband. The guy I’ve always known and I can see him trying. I have a REALLY hard time just pushing it all under the rug and moving forward. I can move forward with all of the things you have outlined and I totally believe that had I been able to know this information and implement it earlier our marriage could have been something beautiful. Now I think it’s too late. I feel like God opened my eyes to this too late. God has been a part of this from the start. I believe that my prayers that I was lonely is why God turned my heart back to my husband 11 months ago. I was hungry for information like your site supplies and I was reading and taking in every blog, Podcast and article that I could about the topic of how to respect your husband and how to be a Godly wife. The 5 years of being his room mate hardened my heart to my husband and if I had found those texts 1 year ago, I would have walked away without asking him 1 question. It would have been a relief at that time. God turned me back to him. There is nothing in me that could have done that. I’ve since asked God many times why. I believe that His will is for me to be with my husband. I’m just really struggling with not having the truth.

          1. Theresa,

            I don’t believe it is too late. I have seen God restore people’s marriages after infidelity and after divorce. I praise God that He has opened your eyes! THAT IS AWESOME! I pray for His healing for you both individually and for your marriage for His glory.

            I wonder if your husband may be living in shame?

            Could he be afraid to tell you the truth? Or maybe he feels he is telling you the truth but you don’t believe him? I don’t know his heart. Maybe he feels that he didn’t do anything wrong like have a physical affair, so he wants to move on. But I do understand your need to feel like you have all of the information. He may want to zoom on to making things better, but you may need to stop here and feel like he is being totally honest with you.

            How do you approach him about this? What do you say? What is your body language?

            How does he respond?

            I agree that this is important information for you to have.

            I also realize you can’t force him to share anything – and you may not be able to prove anything yourself one way or another. He has not admitted that anything he did was inappropriate?

            How are y’all getting along in other areas at this time?

            We are having a similar conversation with a number of wives this past week on this post, you are welcome to join the discussion there, as well. 🙂

            Is there any discussion about transparency and rebuilding trust with the counselor, yourself, and your husband? Have you been able to speak privately with the counselor? Does he not believe that your husband did anything inappropriate?

            Much love to you!

      1. I’m not sure if he’s in contact with her or not. Not phone or texting but email is possible. I would be interested in a spiritual check up. If he had feeling for her, I would understand. God has shown me my sin toward my husband that’s been ongoing for years. I’ve never respected him. I’ve never known even what that meant. If he had feelings for her I totally would get that. I’ve told him that. I could get past that.
        If he had a sexual affair with her I’m not sure what I’d want to do. I just feel that it’s something that I should be able to choose where my life goes from there. Not him. Not her. I also feel like he’d be like a stranger. When we started to come out of the 5 year room mate situation, I asked if he’d been with anyone during that time. I think that would have been the time to address any issues like that.
        My desire in my relationship with Christ is to do His will in whatever happens. I know He HATES divorce! But I know that he Hates lies and unfaithfulness too. I’ve grown much closer to Him during this time. Given up control to Him.
        I’m not sure about the counselor. He specializes in men so I’m guessing he’s swayed toward that side. I don’t trust my husband at this point because the story keeps changing.

        1. Terri, I invite you to search my home page for “spiritual check up” if you want to share your answers there or here, you are welcome to if you would like to.

          I don’t know the depths of your husband’s heart. But I do know that as you find healing in Christ and as you are abiding in Him, He can give you the wisdom you need and He can bring things to light at the best time in the best way if needed.

          Much love!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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