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Dying to Self – by The Good Wife

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This is a guest post by my precious sister in Christ at www.thegoodwife121.blogspot.ca.  She is documenting her journey to become a godly wife.  I am sure many wives are going to relate to her struggles and be blessed by what God is doing in her heart!

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Slowly it’s getting easier.

I noticed it while I was fuming over washing dirty dishes, it was a Sunday and I had wanted to go to church, but was unable to because Husband had a previous commitment, even though I was annoyed, I remembered my goals and came to an understanding that this was just life, and I would have to handle my disappointment.
Later I received a text telling me he was planning on going out afterwards, to his brother’s church where he played on the worship team – this put me firmly into the “Sunday all day/night alone with baby.”

I was ticked – all I had wanted was a couple of hours in the morning to go to church, and now I was having to have another long, solo-parenting evening while Husband did what he wanted to.

I started to scrub the dishes harder.

Like there weren’t enough long days, and with the baby being, well…2, those days generally weren’t filled with easy-goingness and happy times. It was work! Hard work! Not to mention keeping the house clean, getting laundry done, making special-diet meals and grocery shopping.

My pot was practically glowing by this point.

Finally I took a breath and I prayed: Lord, I am so frustrated and tired right now. Help me to check my attitude and focus on the good.

Slowly I started to feel that knot of annoyance loosen just a tad, suddenly I remembered all my prayers about Husbands spiritual life and praying that he would feel closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. How I had shed tears over his faith and had been so worried that he was falling away.
I bowed my head and sighed.

Here I was, getting upset because he wants to go to Church. Shouldn’t I be considering this as an answer to prayer, rather than an annoyance?

Finally my pride snapped, and I was able to let go of that anger that had started to boil inside.

Husband and I had, previous to this pot-washing incident, exchanged a quick phone conversation, and he knew by the tone of my voice that I was not in the best of moods, though when he asked, I denied it, of course.
Later that evening he came through the door, with his proverbial tail between his legs and clearly expected a row about the change in plans.
He casually asked how I was doing, (testing the waters, no doubt) and by that point I was actually able to be happy to see him and greet him with love and kindness.

Husband seems a little surprised, this was definitely not what he was expecting, and almost immediately he apologized for changing plans on the fly, and hoped that I wasn’t upset.

Wow…this was a change!

A normal chain of events would have been:

  • Change of plans
  • I get mad
  • Give husband cold treatment/guilt to get him to apologize
  • Husband defends actions and digs in his heels
  • I get hurt because he wouldn’t apologize or consider my feelings
  • Husband gets annoyed because I’m manipulating him
  • We fight until midnight, sleep separately and have a horrible night and next day.
But I was able to circumvent this by simply “letting go.”
It’s still a struggle and I think for a long time, it will be – putting my will aside for another’s is extremely difficult and doesn’t come easily to my nature, but I’m seeing real changes in how my marriage works when I started changing my own behavior for my own sake.
Please don’t misunderstand, this is something I am doing for me. I am changing myself not to become quote/unquote perfect wife, but rather wanting to be a Godly woman, and part of that is practicing humility and self-control, and through that I am seeing positive results in my marriage.
It is a daily ‘dying to self’ and ever so slowly, I feel that, through much prayer and help from the Holy Spirit, that I am able to accomplish this more easily.

I don’t know if I’m seeing more sweetness and kindness in my Husband, or if I’m finally able to focus on what was already there.

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. 
For whoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”
~ Matthew 16: 24-25

My marriage is that dirty pot.
It’s a good pot, a sturdy one that has gone through lots of wear and tear and has some dents in it, I just need to scrub it, not only see it for the burn marks, and the gunk stuck on it. I need to wash it, and care for it, and it should last for many, many years.

~ The Good Wife

13 thoughts on “Dying to Self – by The Good Wife

  1. Awesome! i totally relate to this, it is a struggle, but each time it is actually great when I realise if i am getting something wrong in my head and i actually feel closer to God. I too would end up in massive arguements ending up with silences and long talks into the night with my Husband, but now I can see more good in my husband and I can let more things go…thanks for this today, very reassuring.

    Julia

    1. Julia,

      As we become the wives God desires us to be – there is so much less arguing, there are so many fewer regrets – there is so much more peace. His ways are wonderful!

      We do become closer to Him, more like Christ and usually, closer to our husbands, too – in time.

      Much love to you!! I’m so excited you are focusing more on the good and weighing your thoughts and motives and checking in with God. Great job!!!! I praise God for what He is doing in your life! 🙂

  2. OH this is what I need to do! I’ve been hearing G-d tell me for awhile now to pick up my cross and follow him and I didn’t understand because I wanted to be right. THANK YOU!!! Now I’ve heard, understood, and all is left is to apply action to it.

    I’m excited!

  3. TGW: I loved what you said about God reminding you of your prayers for your husband.

    He quite often reminds me of my prayers too! I think I can picture you standing at your kitchen sink and the *sigh* — it seems that’s where most of my own *sigh* –“OH God You are right! Thank You for this door of escape!” moments happen.

    And this part for sure: “I don’t know if I’m seeing more sweetness and kindness in my Husband, or if I’m finally able to focus on what was already there.” It’s interesting just how obvious these traits are when we choose to focus on the positive of their personalities.

    Thanks for sharing your story!

  4. Forgive the immaturity.. and I will go on ahead and say for you all reading this comment…SERIOUSLY?!!? REALLY!?!?!! … but..ohhh HOW I ALWAYZZZ have hated that word!…but… when giving unofficial council… but… what is my husband meaning when he says “when I was single” …we are middle aged and been together 10yrs.

  5. The opposite of dying to self:

    This was an ad at the peak of the housing bubble.

    As an aside, I have substantial knowledge of the real estate market, and have just cause to believe that much of the turmoil was caused by real-life scenarios such as this.

    To this day, I will NEVER do business with Century 21.

    LADIES: This is an example of nuclear disrespect.

    Bonus points for the women who can correctly count the number of disrespectful acts in this commercial.

    1. Jack,

      Yikes! That is a very good example of a wife pressuring her husband and pushing him and trying to control.

      Ladies,
      notice the wife’s facial expression and please notice the husband’s facial expressions. He does NOT want to do this. Or – he wants more time to think. That is not wrong!

      Once you begin to learn about disrespect and see how it makes men feel – you will begin to see it everywhere – and you will so clearly see the pain on husbands’ faces.

      Jack,

      Thanks for sharing

  6. *crying* wish i would have read this yesterday instead of today. as soon as i saw the picture of dirty dishes & the title, i knew it would contain the wisdom i didnt want to hear. but im thankful i finished reading anyway.

    i have had the experience of being crabs on the phone & then after talking to God, seeing the situation from a different perspective then being actually happy by the time hubs comes home. experience tells me the circle of anger can be avoided!

    but instead yesterday i let my mouth take over & my bad attitude take me for a ride. i regret it. im so very sad at how unkind i was to my love, my best friend.

    i feel overwhelmed sometimes by the house work & being the only one checking homework, making school lunch, etc. i have a home daycare so i get to work 50 hours per week with 4-6 toddlers but also have the appearance of the ‘stay at home mom’ so im also doing all the housework/school stuff after my official work hours end. my husband knows this. it hurts me & angers me that he doesnt pitch in more once he gets off at 2:30/3 pm.

    i dont know what to do with these feelings! im so sad! i dont want to be the wicked witch 🙁 so sad so sad :'(

    1. Sarah,

      Sweet girl!!!!!!!!

      I hope you will apologize to your husband.

      If your husband is feeling well-respected over a significant period of time – you can probably ask respectfully for help – and he may be willing to do it.

      I have a Youtube channel, “April Cassidy”

      Check out the one about asking your husband for things so he wants to say yes.

      And, check out the posts on the top of my home page if you haven’t already about disrespect and respect. 🙂

      It is ok to ask for what you need. Your husband may even be able to help you figure out what you can let go of. Maybe you are doing too much?

      I also pray you will be able to make time for God – or you won’t have His power to be the wife He desires you to be. That is the BIGGEST thing! 🙂

      Much love,

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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