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When He Suddenly Walks Out or Hangs Up



Many of us have experienced something like this with our men – “Things seemed to be going great!  My husband was talking, calling or texting with me when, seemingly out of nowhere, he storms out of the room or hangs up on me.”



Most wives panic and begin trying to re-establish communication immediately.  They follow their husband out the door, demanding that he stop and finish the conversation.  Or they call or text frequently, ask lots of questions, beg to try to resolve the problem.

Women use words to fix relationship problems.  The more words, the better, right!?!   We don’t realize that words don’t do much for men.  Actually – sometimes more words can make things a lot worse for men.  Sadly, our intuition tells us to TALK to him right away to try to explain and fix things – and that is the opposite of what a man usually needs in a situation like this.  That is what a wife often needs, but husbands are VERY DIFFERENT FROM US!

When a husband suddenly shuts down, leaves, hangs up – or explodes with anger out of “nowhere,” there is a REALLY good chance that he is feeling disrespected.  Of course, there are other possibilities, but this is one that is worth thinking about first.


It could be something very seemingly “minor,” from a woman’s perspective:

  • You used an “angry mother” tone of voice
  • You tried to have “the talk” with him about where the marriage “is going.”
  • You tried to make him to talk about emotions.  If he is not ready, this will almost always push him away.
  • You told him what to do – implying to him that he was inept, incapable, and unable to figure things out for himself.  Men REALLY value figuring things out on their own.  Men don’t offer unsolicited advice to other men.  That is disrespectful in a man’s world.
  • You tried to FORCE your own plans or your way on him.  Men will resist when they feel controlled.
  • You insulted him in front of other people.  THIS REALLY, REALLY hurts men.  Please DO NOT EVER criticize your husband or “tease” him by bringing up his weaknesses in front of others!!  There is almost nothing that would hurt a husband more than being publicly humiliated by his wife.  Be extremely careful only to share positive things about him with your family, friends, coworkers, children and on FB.
  • You were critical about his dreams, his goals, his career, his sexual abilities, his parenting abilities or something deep-seated in his manhood.
  • You took over and tried to lead in the relationship.  God purposely made husbands the spiritual authority in marriage.  When we try to usurp control, we usually create a lot of very difficult problems. (Biblical Submission)
  • You expected him to think, act and have needs like a woman and didn’t understand his masculine needs.


If your husband just quit speaking with you or left the room, or the house – the best thing to do is going to be exactly the thing you don’t want to do –

Let him have some time

Just wait.


Do not pursue him.

If you initiate contact right now, it will feel even more intrusive, smothering and disrespectful to him.  Most likely, if you give him some time, he will probably approach you again when he is ready.

  • He may need time to process something in his mind, and if you call a lot and pressure him, it is going to make things much worse.

If you realize what you did specifically that was disrespectful, it may be a good idea to pray about if you should BRIEFLY apologize to him about your disrespect.  When I say briefly, I mean VERY BRIEFLY.  Men are usually not affected by words like women are!  He does NOT want a big, emotional, detailed explanation.  That will push him further away.  Sometimes it’s best to wait till he contacts you.  Sometimes you may need to email an apology.  That will have to be a Holy Spirit-led thing.


Most likely, his blood pressure was going up and he was afraid he was about to lose control of his words or his temper.  He is probably trying to protect you from his own anger by doing the honorable thing and walking out instead of staying to fight.  Many men feel that if they don’t leave when they are getting extremely angry, they may say or do things they will regret.  They ay need time to cool off before they do something terrible.

If you follow him or try to contact him and make him talk – that is inviting a conflict or confrontation, maybe even a physical fight.

Please, DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!!  This is why I am saying that he needs some time and space.


You could say or email something like, “I see that I came across very disrespectfully to you just now.  I am SO sorry.  I was wrong to do that to you.”   If you don’t believe you have done anything disrespectful – then it may be something that is going on with him that doesn’t have anything to do with you – or it may be some type of disrespect that you are unaware of.

And then, do not contact him again.

LET HIM CONTACT YOU!!!!!!!! If you try to make him come back to you, you’ll push him away!  But if you let him think about your apology, and how wonderful you are – if you can be patient enough to give him the gift of missing you – he will probably eventually come back to you!  When HE is ready.


  • Pray and spend time with God first.
  • Get things done that you need to do.
  • Spend time with a godly mentoring wife or godly friends who are willing to point you to Christ and His Word.
  • Enjoy your children.
  • Pray for your husband to find God’s will and to draw near to God.
  • Cultivate a spirit of gratitude and joy – thanking God for every blessing He has given to you.

This is a situation where we trust in God’s sovereignty to work out things for our best interests and we don’t try to be the Holy Spirit or try to be sovereign ourselves.  That would only make things worse and make it harder for our men to hear God’s voice!  

This is a time that you learn to wait on God and see how He works things out.  Waiting on God is a REALLY critical skill.  It’s VERY DIFFICULT TO DO at first, but it is worth it!


  • Be friendly, pleasant and polite.  Apologize humbly if you did something offensive to him – without justifying what you did or explaining why you did it.
  • Do not demand a big explanation of where he went and why right now.
  • Listen attentively to what he wants to say.  If he is upset about something you did, listen and don’t defend yourself.  Apologize if you were wrong.
  • If he does not bring up his issue, eventually it may be wise to say, “Did I do something that felt disrespectful to you, Honey?”  and then listen carefully.

He will probably eventually bring up what the problem was.  Or it could be that he was feeling disrespected but can’t verbalize his feelings.

**** If there is MAJOR sin or extremely serious problems in your marriage, you may need some godly counsel from a mentor/Christian counselor/older Christian woman/godly pastor.  Please seek help if there is physical violence, an uncontrolled mental health issue, a major addiction, infidelity, etc…  Those things require much more specialized help than I can possibly address in a general post on marriage.  Please find godly help ASAP!


Why Pressuring Your Man to Talk RIGHT NOW about His Feelings Probably Won’t Work

Understanding a Passive Husband’s Mindset – an Interview with My Husband

Men and Emotions

How Men Think

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

Figuring Out What is Disrespectful to Your Man

Respecting Our Husbands As Fathers

Why Men Sometimes Need Space  a 6 minute Youtube video (my channel is “April Cassidy”)

He Won’t Talk to Me

Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places

Tone of Voice

Real Security is Only Found Here

Dealing with Financial Stress in Marriage

88 thoughts on “When He Suddenly Walks Out or Hangs Up

  1. Oh Goodness . . I Do , Enjoy Your Blogs . . I Learn So Much ! My Husband Says , I Make It Hard For Him To Communicate With , For I Have A Tendancy To Make Things To Complicated At Times , When I Speak . Which He Told Me That Saturday Evening , As A Matter Of Fact . I Already Knew I Have That Problem , Cause I Reckon I Have A Different Way Of Explaining / Expressing Things At Times .{ My Mamma Even Told Me That I Can Get To Technical }. Therefore , He Gets Frustrated And Walks Away . I Don’t Mean To Be Difficult For Him . Just Sometimes , I Feel That I Need To Get My Point Across For Clarity.

    To Be Honest , Sometimes I Have To Walk Away From Him , To Keep From Blowing Up Or Saying Something , I Shouldn’t Say .

    I’m Trying To Change , But Almost All The Time I Feel I Am To Blame . Perhaps , I Am . { I Just Reread What I Typed }

    Thank You

  2. Wow, right on time, thanks for this!

    My husband has walked out of the house this morning, no explanation, no goodbye, nothing. We were in the middle of discussing finances…. 🙁

    He’s never walked out like this before.

    Thank you for the advice, much needed.

    God is good. I will patiently sit, pray and wait….

  3. You are right on target here. I have experienced this more than I would like to admit and more times than not I fail terribly at staying quiet. I’m the type that wants to know what happened right away. The waiting drives me crazy. However, my husband is the complete opposite. As you said, confronting him right then makes matters much worse. He needs time to cool down, to process what just happened and to analyze it. I’ve found that if I leave it alone, whether I understand what just happened or not, that he eventually comes back or begins talking again.

    With that said, he rarely expresses to me what it was that set him off. Therefore, I never find out, and unless I realize what I did, I don’t know what to fix. That definitely complicates things. It is frustrating to not understand, but we have to trust that God has everything under control.

    1. Mewhoami,

      I believe that MANY wives are in the same boat here. I used to be myself! Now I know that disrespect is usually what makes a man shut down. I have a long list of things that husbands have shared here that feel disrespectful to them. Each man has his own list. My husband wasn’t able to articulate to me what would set him off either for many years. Now he can tell me about it. But this is why I treasure this list because there are many wives whose husbands can’t verbalize the issue.

      Check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and also about respect and see if it doesn’t help enlighten you about what may be some of his issues.

      It’s wonderful to hear from you! Let me know if you want to talk about anything! I’m always glad to chat. 🙂

      1. Thank you. Marriage is a continual learning process, for both the husband and the wife. I’ll be sure to check out the posts you mentioned. I do appreciate your blog.

  4. I will apologize if I did something wrong, but sometimes I haven’t done anything wrong and his reaction is irrational. Am I to apologize then too? That doesn’t feel like Biblical submission to me…where is the line between respecting him, owning what is mine to own and while at the same time respectively g myself enough to say to him, “I understand you felt disrespected and you could not continue talking but when you walk away I feel disrespected (translated: unloved)”

    These posts are helpful but in some ways it feels as though you are saying women are responsible for the way men react to their own emotions sometimes…there has to be a balance though and I wonder if you could address that?

    1. Kate,

      If you have done something wrong- yes, then apologize. 🙂

      There are times the wives don’t realize that something they did was disrespectful – hopefully a husband will be able to bring that up later. For me, my husband NEVER told me I was disrespectful – for 14.5 years he never said a word about that I had hurt him. He just stayed shut down. I went for many years not knowing I had hurt him or done anything wrong. I wish he had told me what I did that was disrespectful. That would have been a big help!

      So – I am hesitant to address “if you haven’t done anything wrong” – because a wife may not know she has hurt her husband and she may not be aware she has done anything disrespectful, but he may be hurt and feel deeply disrespected.

      Yes, there are times when a husband may respond irrationally. You don’t have to apologize if you have done nothing wrong. That is completely unnecessary! For a great example of a wife dealing with a situation like that, please read “A Wife Handles Her Grumpy Husband Beautifully”

      I like Dr. Emerson Eggerich’s approach in a situation where a husband suddenly “out of nowhere” snaps at his wife. He suggests a wife might say, “Honey, that felt unloving, did I come across disrespectfully just now?”

      If a husband leaves or completely shuts down – you can’t ask him anything at that time – it will make things worse. To try to push him at that point would be to invite major conflict.

      But after he comes around again and has had time to cool down and process – that may be a good time to ask that question calmly and with genuine concern.

      We are each responsible for our own sin and our own emotions. YES!

      It is totally fine to say, “I understand you felt disrespected and you could not continue talking, but when you walk away I feel unloved/disrespected.” AFTER he has cooled down and come back. Or maybe the next day in a brief email.

      Ideally, a husband would be able to verbalize – “I need some time to process all of these emotions. I can’t talk anymore right now. I am afraid I might say something I would regret. Let’s finish talking about this tomorrow night.”

      That would be awesome!

  5. I wish I’d had this in my heart sooner. I pray that it’s not too late and that my husband will trust me enough to come back. It’s so very hard. We have 4 kids (ages 8, 6, 3 and 5 days old) and we are living in a one room apartment where it’s mentally hard to cope. I wish he’d also give me some grace and understand that life is hard for me. He’s been staying at his dad’s for three weeks now though he does come by to see the kids. It’s even harder to cope now. He wouldn’t even look at me after I gave birth to our daughter last week (in our bedroom by the way, where he didn’t even come until he heard her first cry) While there is hurt in the husband’s heart, I don’t think it is justifiable reason to abandon his wife where she is most vulnerable as well.

  6. The strange behavior and rages my husband exhibited on the phone and also face to face was his need to cause conflict because he had an affair going. Once a lying coward who places blame for their actions on anyone else but themselves ALWAYS a no good coward. You cannot pussyfoot around men needing to be accountable. Stop the bs now and be true to yourself and others!

    1. Maria,
      If a man is involved in infidelity, I talk often about that wives need to get godly counsel for that and that I do not address severe problems here. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Yes, husbands are accountable for their behavior, too. Nothing I say to wives negates God’s commands to husbands.

      I pray for you to have a deep walk with Christ and for healing for your soul.

  7. Another brilliant post. So appreciative of each and every post that I read. They all are inspiring and encouraging. Thanks a bunch. I am adhering to each one.

      1. I recently found your blog and it has been such a blessing. A month ago, my husband (of 12 years) told me he has never been happy in our marriage and wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in a marriage he is not happy with. We have a 2 year old daughter. He has been sleeping in a different room for over a month now and barely acknowledges me. When I get home from work, he is there, he will play with our daughter, but when she goes to bed, he either goes into his office without even a word to me or to our 2nd den to watch TV, again, without a word to me.

        I know you said let him have space, but for how long? Do I still go in and say good night to him? Do I go in and just sit with him and watch TV without saying anything? I have no clue what to do. The gap between us grows bigger each day.

        In the midst of this, I found out I cannot have any more children (which is hugely important to my husband, he wanted a big family). He told me he doesnt want to be burdened by my emotions, so to keep them to myself. I can feel myself sinking into a deep depression. My brother and his wife just found out they are having twins and while I should be happy, the news tore me apart. I cry myself to sleep every night.

        I feel so helpless and alone. Even when I try to respect my husband, he responds by snapping at me, yelling at me, or acting frustrated or exasperated with me.

        1. Sc13,

          Oh goodness! What a painful situation!!!! I wish I could hug your neck!!! I can imagine that the news about twins would be so excruciating right now for you.

          Can you please tell me a bit more?

          Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

          Has your husband said specifically what he needs or what he is upset about?

          I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page, they are a great place to start.

          I would suggest doing things to bless him, not expecting anything in return. You can try telling him good night – cheerfully. Or sitting in the room with him in a pleasant, friendly, non pressuring, non pouting kind of way.

          Be careful with your tone of voice and facial expressions. Be friendly and smile and have a pleasant tone of voice.

          As a believer, if you are one, God’s command to you is found in I Peter 3:1-6. You do this as long as it takes.

          How do you usually treat your husband if you don’t get what you want?

          Has he tried to tell you in the past what was bothering him?

          Standing a huge hug, my precious girl!!!
          Much love

          1. April, thanks so much for your quick reply. I have a relationship with Christ, my husband does not.

            In hindsight, yes, he has told me what he needs for our entire marriage. He wants to feel like he is #1 on my priority list, he wants us to act like a team/united front, he feels I put everything and anything else above him (I’ve read so many of your posts, and realize now I am a people-pleaser who overloads myself and can be a martyr). He wants me to ask him deeper questions about how he is doing (he is going blind, and doesn’t feel I have shown much concern for his struggles with his diagnosis, for example). In the past, if I didnt get what I wanted, I pouted, cried, had an adult-temper-tantrum – yuck, I know. He has tried for years to tell me what he wants, but before finding your blog, it always resulted in a heated argument because he would say that he didnt care that my needs werent being met because his weren’t being met, and it would explode. Then I would apologize and we’d be good, until the next round.

            I realize now how incredibly disrespectful I have been. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I hope it isn’t too late. He sent me an email a week ago saying he hasn’t left the home yet (meaning, he is trying to stay married) but he wasn’t sure if he could stay in a relationship he is unhappy in.

            After learning my brother is expecting twins, I reverted back to my old self – I cried uncontrollably, put our daughter to bed, and went straight to bed afterwards. I was unhappy and it showed, even our 2 year old asked me what was wrong.

            I feel so “fake” putting on a cheerful face right now, but I am trying because I know it is the right thing to do. I am in the quiet phase where I have no clue what to say or how to act – I feel so uncomfortable in my own home.

            I also fight angry thoughts throughout the day. I am angry at the thought I wont have more children because he wont go to the fertility treatments. I am angry because if he isnt going to divorce me, then I want him to think longer term and realize if we dont try IUI now, we wont be able to have more biological children. I’m angry that he isnt being supportive of the fertility news. I am angry that he is so cold. When I step outside of my anger, I realize that 12 years of hurt that I helped cause brought us to where we are, but I still feel myself slipping and blaming him for not “snapping out of it” and thinking long term about our family.

            I want to change so much because he is an amazing man, he works so hard for our family, he has done so much to build a beautiful life, he gives me every material thing I’ve ever wanted, he is supportive of my career, etc etc etc. I want to honor him, because in my heart, I believe he is an amazing man. But for some reason I cant get out of my own way.

            I cannot tell you how much your blog has helped me through this. You are truly a blessing and I thank you so much for sharing such intimate parts of your life in such a selfless effort to help women like me.

            1. sc13,

              Well that is very helpful that he has shared what he wants and needs! You don’t have to try to guess!

              I wish I could hug your neck!

              Have you apologized for your disrespect and for not meeting his needs yet?

              If not, let’s talk about that before you do it.

              How is your walk with Christ?

              Are you willing to consider that God is sovereign even over your fertility and your husband and your marriage, and that He is able to cause things to work out for your ultimate best and your ultimate good (by His definition) and His ultimate glory?

              Is it possible that having more children has become more important to you than your walk with Christ, or than your husband, or than your husband’s pain or than your marriage?

              Are you willing to lay down your dream to have more children if it means that you are honoring God, obeying Him and breathing life and healing into your marriage?

              Are you willing to let go of the resentment and bitterness and unforgiveness?

              Much love to you!

            2. SC13,
              You know what? It sounds like things have actually changed a lot already. It sounds like your husband is willing to do the IUI and is being supportive of the fertility news.

              Maybe there are some things to praise God for in the midst of the storm already.

              Much love!

              1. I agree! But I am also so new to this, I kind of feel like I “forced” him to be willing. (Why do I think I am that powerful? LOL. I don’t know).

                I tried to follow the advice of telling him “I want to expand our family and I am scared because our doctor told us it may already be too late and we only have a month or two to decide.”

                He told me he is willing to do the IUI and go in for his tests next week. He also told me he is not going to divorce me (right now). But he did say he was not sure if he could get over 12 years of disrespect and he wasn’t entirely sure what our future looked like. I feel like these messages all conflict each other, which left me unsure.

                I asked him to make the final call about whether we SHOULD do the IUI (meaning, not just is he willing, but should we actually do it) and he got very angry. He raised his voice and said “I already told you I was willing!!!” and then he sighed heavily and walked off. I followed him (ugh, I shouldn’t have) and asked him a question and he turned his back on me and sighed again. So I left the room. I sent him a message this morning thanking him for talking with me and for being so selfless in his willingness to do the IUI and apologizing for being disrespectful for trying to make him talk when he clearly did not want to. No response.

                He has made it clear what he wants as respect – to be the leader in our home, to know that I am loyal to him, to know that he is my priority (I’m a people pleaser). He wants me to establish better boundaries with my family. And not emasculate him.

                I’m trying, but oftentimes I’m left clueless as to what to do. He is king of the silent treatment and it can go on for MONTHS. I havent yet found the balance of letting him know I am committed and respectful and will be pleasant when he “comes back” with letting him pursue me. I’m afraid carrying on about my business and letting him be will send him the message I’m not interested in mending things.

                This is hard! Worth it, but hard! 🙂

              2. sc13,

                I know this is like learning Chinese. It is very difficult at first! Husbands don’t realize what a foreign language they speak, or how long it usually takes for wives to really “get” respect.

                That 3rd paragraph “he told men he is willing to do the IUI… He also told me he is not going to divorce me right now..”

                Take that as his word. He did tell you he will do it. He is saying he won’t leave right now. He doesn’t have Christ, so he doesn’t have the Holy Spirit and he doesn’t have the mercy, grace and forgiveness of Christ to draw from.

                But, I believe as God continues to change you, he will be much more willing to stay and that he will feel safer with you in time. But it will take time.

                If he tells you something, accept it. Believe him. That is respectful. 🙂 Continuing to ask him and pressure him when he gave you an answer just frustrates him. He felt he communicated very clearly to you.

                It’s fine that he didn’t respond to your apology. That’s ok.

                The People Pleasing stuff has to go.

                Now it is time to just be a God pleaser. 🙂

                Goodness, silent treatment for months would be really tough.

                Maybe it went on so long because he continued to feel disrespected? I’m not sure.

                It may be good to share with him that you want very much to learn what respect means to him – and that you appreciate his patience. I wonder if he would be willing to write out what respect/disrespect mean to him?

                It does sound like you have some clear ideas of what he wants – and those are good things he is asking for.

                What happens if you smile at him whenever you walk through a room? Or just send one or two sentences a week to him via text to tell him something you admire/appreciate about him?

                Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

                It will take great sensitivity to God’s Spirit for you to know exactly what to do and what to say and when. And it takes practice, too. And an increasing knowledge of your husband and how he thinks. He is very, very different from you. That is a good thing! As he feels more accepted, he will most likely, eventually, relax a bit. But it may be awhile.

                Most of all, I am praying for God to empower you to be faithful to Him. That is the main thing. This is ultimately all about you and your walk with Jesus.

                Much love!

  8. My husband walked out on me Sunday. He didn’t call him all day Sunday expecting him to come home later the next day so I didn’t call or text him until Monday night when he didn’t come back from work that evening. I started texting him asking him where he was but he didn’t reply, wouldn’t answer phone.

    He text me back and said he wasn’t coming back. I went to talk to him Tuesday night, I took responsibility for all I have done and sincerely apologized. But he did not own up to what he’s done. He said he’s thinking of what he wants to do. I don’t have any hope of him coming back. He’s being pressured by his family to not come back. I left that night and text him saying I love him and will wait.

    I don’t know what to do, I love him so much, I can’t function, I can’t eat or sleep with out medication. I’m completely lost. I’ve cried out to The Lord, but feel like he’s not listening to my cries for help. The church is praying for us and others are well. I feel like I have lost faith that God even cares. I’ve had a lifetime of nothing but pain. I’m so tired of being hurt by people.

    I’m scared to death

    1. Amy,

      My precious girl! I wish I could hug your neck!!!!!

      This is not going to be fixed in 5 minutes. BUT – I do believe there are many healthy, healing things you can do – for yourself and your walk with Christ, and for your husband and marriage.

      Please check out “When Your Husband Says, ‘I’m Done.'”

      And, can you please tell me about your relationship with Christ?

      What do you desire in your relationship to God and what do you desire in your relationship with your husband?

      What are your greatest fears?

      Much love to you!

      1. I love God and Jesus so much! I try to read my Bible everyday and pray a lot for God to make my marriage what I dream about! The way Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7 but unfortunately my husband and I are unequally yoked. He is Muslim. But he’s so sweet and caring! I dream about God bring the saving knowledge of Christ to him because he is who I want to share my life with, no other! I want to live in His will and try to have faith that my husband will find Jesus! So many are praying for us.

        He said he’s thinking about things but it leaves me in limbo.

        He put money in our account for me yesterday and is going to pay the bills. I sent him a text and said thank you and it means a lot! He said “ok”. I told him sleep well and good night but no reply. I pray it is a sign from God that he will come back.

        My biggest fear is losing my husband, not just him as a person but of his soul being lost! I was suppose to shine Christ’s light but I guess I didn’t do a good enough job.

        I’ve been through 3 marriages already. But I wasn’t walking with The Lord then.

        Thanks for your reply!

        It’s nice to have someone on the outside of the situation to talk to

        1. I have completely walled off from my husband — reluctantly, and it is SUPER hard — but it is the only safe way. In fact, it is the only way, in my opinion. I cannot afford to be hurt anymore, I have flashbacks and memories that scare the living daylights out of me, and every time I think about getting close all I have to do is remember — and shiver. No way am I going back there.

          Stay safe, whatever you do. It’s the only way to go.

      2. I love God and Jesus so much! I try to read my Bible everyday and pray a lot for God to make my marriage what I dream about! The way Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7 but unfortunately my husband and I are unequally yoked. He is Muslim. But he’s so sweet and caring! I dream about God bring the saving knowledge of Christ to him because he is who I want to share my life with, no other! I want to live in His will and try to have faith that my husband will find Jesus! So many are praying for us.

        He said he’s thinking about things but it leaves me in limbo.

        He put money in our account for me tonight and is going to pay the bills. I sent him a text and said thank you and it means a lot! He said ok. I told him sleep well and good night but no reply. I pray it is a sign from God that he will come back so I can rectify things.

        My biggest fear is losing my husband, not just him as a person but of his soul being lost! I was suppose to shine Christ’s light but I guess I didn’t do a good enough job.

        I’ve been reading and seeing how I have been so disrespectful of him. I never realized it before. I never understood how him providing for my needs is showing me that he loves me. I always demanded things to be my way. Pointing out what he is doing wrong. My God, I have been terrible! God forgive me!

        The times I tried to fix the problems, I see now only made them worse.

        Thanks for your reply!

        It’s nice to have someone on the outside of the situation to talk to!


        1. Amy,

          This is a difficult situation – but we will take it to God, together! Thankfully, with God, all things are possible!

          I’m so glad that your greatest concern is his soul. Please understand that you can influence your husband for Christ, but only God can open his eyes to Jesus. However, as you obey God on your end of things (Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6), you can become God’s partner in reaching your husband. You can get out of God’s way so that your husband can best hear God.

          I’m so glad you appreciated him for paying the bills. That was awesome.

          This is the perfect time to focus on God and to let Him have total access to everything in your heart, mind, and soul so that He can begin to radically transform you to be more like Christ. There is a lot to learn! It takes time to learn it. That’s ok. We’ll walk this road together. 🙂

          I invite you to check out the posts about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page.
          Much love to you!

          1. The hardest part is waiting. I don’t know what God wants me to do. If he isn’t coming back, I have to move out of where I am living and move in with my adult sons and in order to only have to pay for February’s rent, I would have to give my notice on the 15th of this month.

            I don’t want to move without knowing if he is coming back or not. What if he wants to come back and I have already left? I’m not giving him an ultimatum because that will just drive him further away. But I don’t want to tell him because he will think it is just a scare tactic and that I will not do it and that will make me look desperate to him.

            There are so many unanswered questions. At this point I have no hope at all.

            I have read the topics on respect and that is why I realized I wasn’t respecting him. I have read many of the topics that are on the site and they are informing, biblical, and eye openers!

            My family has a curse of divorce hanging over us. I never learned how to be a wife from my mother or father. My mom and dad divorced when I was very young and my mom is now on her 4th marriage (so am I). My brother was married 3 times, one of my sisters is on #3. My mom never went to church while I was growing up, only after her 4th husband killed his girlfriends husband and went to prison did she find the Lord. She wants this curse broken and so do I, it has to start somewhere and I pray that it happens with me and my husband. My mom is still married to the guy, he has not repented and is not a believer. She still goes to visit him in prison.

            My dad was married once after my mom, but she couldn’t accept us kids (5 of us) so he left her and never remarried. He died 5 years ago from Alzheimer’s disease. He was a believer and took my and my sisters and brother to church every Sunday. But I walked away at a young age and rebelled for many years.

            How do I approach my husband?
            Do I approach my husband?
            Do I stay in my apartment and wait?

            I keep praying for the answer but I am not getting any answer right now.

            I am so lost, hanging on a limb and there are wild animals around me, waiting for me to be cut off and fall. I am waiting for Jesus to pull me up. It is mental torture!

            1. Amy,
              So much uncertainty could lead definitely breed fear. But my prayer is that you will keep clinging to Christ and resting in His peace, listening carefully to His voice. He can provide a way for you and He can provide the light you need for each step.

              Has your husband been in contact with you at all?

              Has he ever done this before?

              Are you working? Are you able to stay and pay rent where you are?

              What do you mean you have no hope at all?

              Please tell me more about your relationship with Jesus. There is every reason for hope in Him!!!!

              1. I am not working. I have legal custody of my 4 year old grandson (since he was 3). I can’t afford daycare for him, even if I was working because my husband’s income was considered just a bit too high to get any help. That is a long story.

                I am looking for work now and have applied to several places. But if he isn’t coming back, there is no way that I can manage to pay everything on my own. So my sons and I are talking about moving in to a house together and helping each other with the bills.

                My husband has never done this before. Even when he went to Jordan the first time he called me almost everyday. All of his stuff is still here, but he went and bought new clothes. He only contacted me after I asked him about what the money was for in the checking account. He said to keep it and he would pay the bills with other money. That is the last I have heard from him.

                My head keeps telling me he is not ever coming back and to take his stuff to him and walk away. My heart keeps say no, don’t do that, just wait.

                I cry out to God day and night, but I do not feel Him anywhere around me. I don’t hear Him speaking to me. I just keep getting mixed signals which are coming from me. The voice I hear isn’t God, it is me. If it were God, I wouldn’t be hearing 2 different things.

                I am empty and drained and do not know what to do.
                I have lost hope in everything!



              2. Amy,

                How long has your husband been gone now?

                How much time do you have to make a decision?

                Do you know if he is safe?

                Are you ready to fully trust God? How did you come to Christ? Tell me about what you pray, where you want to be with God, what your greatest desires are…

                Let’s just take a deep breath and sit down together and hash through this.

                Much love to you!

              3. I want God to be God of my life. But feel like that is for other people. I see at church people being touched by Him and I’m just an empty shell. I grew up in church. I rebelled when I was about 16. I ran away to Texas with a Mexican that was 19. I came back home, he said he’d come back but didn’t. I Had a baby and so did he with his new wife 4 days before my son was born.

                I was molested by a couple of cousins when I was around 8. Me and my sisters. We never told anyone til our mid 20s.

                I have struggled all my life with believing I am worth anything. Cried out to God but never really felt any peace. Even now. I’ve been back for about a year or so. But still no peace, or joy really. It’s flea ting . I hate living, always have. I have wish for years that I never would have been born. I would not kill myself, but I do ask God to bring me home.

                I really have had enough. I’ve been to counseling, taken medication all to no avail.

                I am so mad at my husband right now. But I still love him. I am so angry at God because I don’t know what is going on. I’m hurting worse than I ever have in my life. Worse than losing my dad because I know I will see him again.

              4. Amy,

                My precious girl!!!! You have so many, many scars and wounds. It is like you are in a dark prison cell. But Jesus has cut away your shackles. You don’t have to stay in that awful place anymore. If you are ready, we can walk together into the glorious light, freedom, peace, acceptance, love, joy, power, fulfillment, purpose, and power of God.

                Are you ready to begin to work through the false beliefs and lies you have embraced and to begin to replace them with the truth?

                Do you believe you are ready to begin to trust God?

                Jesus came and died for YOU. He suffered for you. So that you could have abundant spiritual life. You are precious in His sight!

                Check out this post!!

                I think that God may use this fiery trial to heal some very old wounds and to draw you to Himself – and, ultimately, perhaps to draw your husband to Himself, too. I know this hurts right now. I’m glad to walk beside you. And more importantly, Jesus is right here, too. He will never leave you or forsake you. But it is time to give Him everything and to let Him into all those dark corners of your soul and let Him remove anything He decides is toxic so that He can completely and radically renovate your life for His glory.

                If you are ready, it’s about to get very interesting!

                Much love,

              5. I guess. I really thought that stuff was behind me. I forgave everyone who has hurt me a long time ago. What I told you is only the tip of the ice burg. I asked God to forgive me too. But I have never felt like I was worth anything to anyone, even though I have my family, I am still alone.

              6. Amy,

                You have GREAT WORTH in God’s sight because he made you. Please, please read the post “The Worth of a Person” from this week. Let’s talk about this!

                And, please read about taking our thoughts captive.

                What things do you tell yourself? What are the tapes you play in your mind? To find freedom from those oppressive lies and ungodly thoughts, you will need to examine what you are telling yourself and replace the wrong things with God’s truth. We ALL have to do this. It is painful at first, but it is the path to much healing.

                Replacing the Tapes in My Head

              7. All of this stuff just reminds me of rotten I have been to him. I have asked God to forgive me, but like I said, I feel nothing but pain right now. How can so many people say they feel God’s presence when they are going through this stuff? I see them praising Him through the storm. When I am this low, I can’t lift my voice. All I could do at church today was cry.

                I really have no hope in him coming back. I think I am wasting my time praying for something that will not happen. If I get my hopes up, they will be shattered in the end anyway. I am seriously considering taking his stuff to him tomorrow and saying that I am done.

                It would be a little bit easier to deal with if he was coming home at night. I could then show him how much I have learned and how much I want to make a change in myself by my actions. But he won’t give me the time of day.

                I will read the other posts tomorrow.

                Thanks for your ear…I’m just in such a bad place right now and there are too many unanswered questions for me to make heads or tails of.

                I really wish I could feel God’s presence!

                I’m sorry to be so negative, my emotions are all over the place right now.

              8. Amy,

                I’m sure there are MANY, MANY very powerful emotions flooding your heart and soul constantly right now. That is normal. It is ok that you are feeling like this – any wife would in this situation. It is going to take some time to hash through your thoughts and feelings. I totally get that.

                If your hope is in your husband – yes, your hopes may well be shattered.

                If your hope is in Jesus – you have every reason in the world for hope! Not that you have a guarantee your husband will come back – but you have God with you and He is the Greatest Treasure in the universe!

                Please don’t rush to push your husband away just because it will feel more like closure instead of all of the uncertainty. If you give him time and space, he is much more likely to come back. Sometimes, when we are this upset, the things that we FEEL like we should do are the opposite of what would be the most constructive things to do.

                Your feelings are important – but keep in mind – they are not everything. And they can lie to you.

                God is the most important thing! Seek Him! Seek to honor Him! Seek to know Him and to curl up under the shelter of His wings.

                It could be good that you have some time all to yourself – because this stuff takes a long time to learn. You can focus on allowing God to transform you right now while he is not here at the moment.

                Much love to you, my precious girl! We can take this slowly. That is fine. 🙂

              9. I went and spoke with my husband today. He said he is still thinking. I apologized for my ignorance as his wife. I explained to him that I never had anyone to teach my about marriage, since my mom was divorced 3 times before I turned 18. I also explained that I ran away from God for many years and since only coming back to Him a year ago, I have a lot to learn. I told him about your website and how it is helping me to see things different.

                I explained how God sees time different than we do, a week to us may seem like a year but to Him it could be like a thousand years and he has used this week to teach me about all of my sins and wrong things I have done. I told him I will not walk away from my marriage. I love him and only want to share my life with him. He was at work during this time. He said if I needed anything to let him know and he would be there. He held me for a while and I kissed him on his cheek and came home.

                Also, I wrote down all of the hurts I have had in my life, all of my bad thoughts and my insecurities and I told God that I am giving them to Him. I took the paper and I burned it.

                The bad thoughts are at bay today. I told my husband that I was so sorry for putting all of the things my ex’s did to me on him. I know that he never did any of those things to me and I had no right to hold him as the person who did it. I said that he had never done anything to me that should make me distrust him so much.

                I pray that God will bring him home soon! I totally want to put the last 4 years behind us and start new. No more bringing up the past.

              10. Amy,

                Now THAT is a step in the right direction! I can tell you are listening to God!!!!!!

                This is a cross country hike of about 3000 miles. So, keep that in mind. It is a long journey. And that is ok. I’m very happy to walk with you on this road.

                Now it is time to begin to replace the bad thoughts with the truth of God’s Word. If you need help or get stuck, I am right here!

                Much love!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU and so thankful to God for all He is doing in your life! WOOHOOO!

              11. I know there is a lot of work to do yet, not just with me but with my marriage. I just pray that my husband will find it in his heart to forgive me. I am trusting that God will bring him home soon. The fact that he held me before I left says something to me.

                The funny thing is this…I watch the 700 club almost daily and they usually talk about Islam and the truth about how bad the religion is. Well today they were talking about Jesus reveling Himself to them in dreams. It was the first thing they talked about today. Does this seem like a coincidence or a word from God?

              12. Amy,

                I do think that it was a very good indicator that your husband held you before you left. Yes, there is MUCH work to be done – and right now, with an unbelieving husband, you will be doing all of the work. “When My Spouse is Wrong” is a good resource for this situation.

                Praying for you to be very sensitive to God’s Spirit and willing to obey Him in everything, even when it is painful and difficult!

                Much love,

              13. My husband said that we are going to figure this out today. I am so scared. I am expecting the worst so I don’t come out of it getting crushed without being prepared for it.

                Please pray that he will put our marriage over his family. That he will do the right thing in God’s eyes.

                I can’t stop shacking. I just want him to come home, but I fear he is going to go back to Jordan for good. He has a lot of guilt for not being there for his family over there.

              14. Amy,

                Let’s trust God together to guide you both for His will and His glory. God loves marriage and hates divorce. God wants this precious man to come to Christ. Relax. Breathe. Pray. Stay in God’s Word. Ask Him to fill you up. Let your husband speak and lead. Be as supportive as you can. Listen to him. Be cooperative. Share your heart respectfully when it is a good time to.

                Praying for you!!!!!


      3. Hello, it’s Amy again.
        There are new issues that have come up. My husband is threatening to not pay the bills if I don’t take his name off the lease. He keeps going back and forth from, I will take care of you to the above comment he said today about the lease. I told him that I will not allow him to remove his name from the lease, I have not way to trust he will pay anything if I do that.
        I am running out of options. I tried to be nice, helpful and patient but he wants out so bad that he’s causing extra stress on me and my grandson. I am now fighting his mom so I can keep custody of him in court. I’m at a loss. I contacted a lawyer to see what my rights are. I really have no hope left.

        1. Amy,

          Yuck. I am so very sorry to hear how difficult things are. I’m praying for God to give you much wisdom and direction. How is your walk with Christ going? Let’s seek God together – that He might direct your steps and empower you to be faithful to Him even in this fiery trial, and that He might use even this somehow for His greatest glory and for your ultimate good. I pray that you will turn to Christ and cling to Him with all your heart and not give up hope. I don’t know exactly what God desires you to do right now – but I do know we serve a mighty God, a God who can change circumstances and hearts and a God who is capable of miracles.

          Praying for your walk with Christ to be greatly strengthened and for you to see His will, His power, His direction, His resources, and that He might heal your heart and draw you and your husband to Himself.

  9. When my husband would walk out and leave early in our marriage, I had horrific flashbacks of when I was little and I’d be abandoned late at night by my Mom. He might only be gone for even half an hour, but in that period of time I would usually vomit and stomach-cramp — when he’d finally walk back in, I almost passed out from the sudden turn of events. A couple times I thought I was having a heart attack; in fact, one time my heart was racing so badly I called paramedics. He thought I did it just for attention and that got me in worse trouble later….yow….

    After a number of years, I learned to detach and made sure particularly that I always have had an at-home job of some sort, so that I wouldn’t have that to worry about just in case I was left permanently with our children.

    I have also learned to avoid most situations where this could happen by emotionally detaching completely. I never let him into my life, keep polite as possible, and leave a situation before it can explode into any conflict whatsoever. This has kept me safe emotionally and physically (I don’t want the physical consequences described above ever again) and it has kept everything polite. All is well, and while I’m not that happy with it, at least it is polite and calm. Works for me.

    1. Anonymous,

      Goodness! You have so many very deep scars and wounds, my precious sister! How old were you when that happened with your mom?

      Have you received any help to begin to heal?

      How is your walk with Christ going? He is able to heal your wounds and cause your fear, anxiety, loneliness, and pain to fade away and He can fill you with His love, joy, peace, and spiritually abundant life!

      Shutting down is not the only way to deal with this. It may be the only way you can deal with it in your own human wisdom and strength. But God can heal you, my precious girl!

      My heart breaks for your pain. I’m here if you would like to talk some more. But you may also want to look into talking with a godly wife mentor who has been through some of what you have who can help you hash through the thoughts you tell yourself and replace the lies with the truth of God’s Word.

      Here is a post that may help you to get started:

      Helping Our Children Take Their Thoughts Captive for Christ

      1. I was about ten/eleven when Mom was gone. My sisters had married by then, and my Mom did market research work, she preferred to work when stores were more or less empty as she could get more done and therefore more pay. I hated being all alone in a dark house, it made me so scared.

        The truth is men are just different creatures. Silence and cave time is how they decompress and detach from a given situation. I’ve accepted that. I’ve already been through the Godly wife mentoring thing and it’s always the same old thing. I’m really very tired of it, although I love them very much as persons, you have to be married to a man who understands that men and women are different, and who really wants to know his wife truly, inside and out.

        Just the way it is. I like it better this way. I’m in my own world, he is in his. When I want closeness or have had a bear of a day, I now leave the house, because my leaving the house doesn’t bother him in the least. Whereas when he leaves, I freak out (inside, I’d never, ever show it on the outside ’cause he’d get more annoyed).

        1. Anonymous,

          I am so sorry about how you felt when you were alone in the house. I can understand that being scary. I felt scared when I was home alone even after I got married!

          Yes, men are very different from women! I agree. My husband needs space and time to himself, too. I never did before – but I have learned to savor some time that I can spend with just me and God and enjoy that alone time now. I have a lot of posts about having a husband who is quiet or emotionally a bit distant.

          I think that there is a healthy way to detach a bit from our husbands, to not be emotionally enmeshed where we idolize them and depend on them for our happiness. But then there is an unhealthy way to detach where we are resentful and bitter. Not sure if that makes sense. Here is a post about that if you are interested.

          Much love to you!

  10. Thank you for this blog. I have been visiting it for about a year now.

    I want to know what to do when you haven’t been disrespectful to your husband and he hangs up the phone and/or starts yelling at you when he doesn’t want to hear something that you have to say. I have tried many ways to communicate to him my concerns but 9 times out of 10, it results in him lashing out at me. I’m at the point where I’m very weary and tired of trying to have an open line of communication with my husband. We run a business together and it hurts me to see him treat others much better than he treats me.

    I have sacrificed a lot for this marriage and relationship. I feel like he doesn’t appreciate my efforts and takes me for granted. If I were the one to fly off the handle or hang up the phone, then I would be the worst person ever. My husband can never accept when he’s wrong, he always has to be right. So guess who gets to be wrong all of the time? You guessed it, me. It’s a very difficult position for me to be in because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. If I go left, I’m wrong. If I go right, I’m wrong. I don’t feel like putting any more effort into this marriage at all.

    Today, was another one of those days of him yelling and hanging up the phone on me. What triggered it? He says he told me something but I told him that he didn’t. That was enough to set him off, start yelling at me and then bam, hangs up the phone on me. The issue is still there but now, this element of hanging up the phone and yelling has added another dimension to it in my opinion. I texted him that I will not tolerate this anymore. I just can’t!

    I’m deeply disappointed and hurt by his behavior today especially in light of the fact that just a few days ago, I told him that I will no longer tolerate this. I can’t be in a marriage where I cannot have an opinion contrary to my husband’s. This feels more like a totalitarian regime than a marriage.

    And when he does it, he never apologizes and pretends that he did nothing wrong. I’m tired of that also. If I hurt him, I make sure I apologize. I’m not saying I’m perfect but just because I’m not perfect doesn’t warrant this treatment from him at all.

    I’m seriously considering divorce because at this point, I simply don’t know what else to do. I can’t remain in a situation where I’m unhappy and I have two children to consider. I try to hide my emotions when I’m unhappy but I’m sure they know that something is going on. My 4 year old is especially intuitive and once told my mother that “Mommy doesn’t like Daddy”. That makes me so sad.

    I’m at the end of my rope and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Nicole,
      Goodness! That sounds extremely stressful and frustrating. No one wants to be treated like that. 🙁 I wish I could hug your neck!!!!! Is he willing to see a godly counselor with you? How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister? please don’t talk about divorce yet. I can understand if you believe you may need to separate, but I think there are a lot of things still to try. Our God is mighty and able to do miracles! I understand saying you cannot be screamed at and blamed for 100% of the problems. But I think there are options other than divorce that may bring healing and reconciliation. What is his relationship with Christ?

      1. Thanks for your reply.

        No, he’s not willing to see a godly counselor. The last time we went to see a counselor was for premarital counseling. He got upset in one of our sessions because he felt that I was blaming him. I was explaining to the counselor some of the things that he does when he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. After that, he refused to continue the sessions and told me that he doesn’t need “anyone to tell him how to run his household”. It’s so hard. I’ve tried talking to family (on his side and mine) because after a while, I began to realize that if he doesn’t have to answer to anyone, then he has no reason to change. Things will change for a little bit but then go back to the way they used to be.

        He supposedly has a relationship with Christ but it is difficult for me to believe it because of the way he behaves. He criticizes everything that I do and is quick to bring up my past failures or mistakes. It makes me feel like our relationship isn’t genuine, just him keeping score. If we get into a disagreement, he will leave the house and I have no idea where he goes. And when he returns, he doesn’t feel that he needs to tell me nor do we address the issue. It’s like I’ve been on a merry go round for the past 7 years and I just want to get off. tired.

        I feel like I cannot trust him because of the way he behaves. If I open myself to trying to be a good wife, it’s met with resistance and what feels like contempt. He makes decisions that affect our family without so much as telling me.

        I pray – a lot. I do my best to forgive and move past it but it won’t be long before there’s another conflict. I can’t live in a situation where I’m not allowed to say what’s bothering me.

        I don’t know what the options are but separation is looking better to me. It’s not something that I want to do but I feel like I’m literally dying inside. I’m remembering when it was so much easier and I always think about the days when I was single. I didn’t have this much stress and anxiety in my life.

        1. Nicole,
          What is your walk with Christ like these days? What do you pray for? What is God showing you that He wants to do in your heart?

          What was your husband’s parents’ marriage like? How was conflict handled?

          What did the counselor say before you were married? So, he has been this way the whole time?

          Are you able to see a godly wife mentor or godly, biblical, Christian counselor, preferably female?

          How do you respond when he blows up?

          Does he say why he doesn’t include you in decisions?

          How do you respond when he does this?

          What are your fears?

          What do you want to see happen in your marriage and in your walk with Christ?

          What are your greatest desires?

          Much love to you!

          1. Hello again,

            I pray for my marriage and family a lot. God is showing me to reconcile but honestly, it’s too painful for me to do that again. I feel like the fool for trying to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t.

            I have no idea how his parents’ marriage was. I’ve never met his parents. He’s from another country (the same one my parents are from) and I’ve never been there. I do know that over there women put up with a lot from their husbands. Culturally speaking, it’s accepted. He did tell me that his father has a couple of children out of wedlock and he told me how his mother used to confide in him about it. But that’s about it. My husband was not born and raised in America. For me, I attribute a lot of his lack of empathy and understanding to that. I talk to my mom about it but she’s from that culture too. It’s not that it’s hard for her to empathize but she’s more of the “hang in there, it’ll get better”. I’m not that type of person.

            The counselor didn’t know what to say. We didn’t even get that far. Honestly, I was so embarrassed that I just left her office as quickly as I could. And yes, he’s been this way the whole time. The only time he’ll “change” is when I speak to his older brother about his behavior. But after a while, he goes back to his stubborn ways. He’s the only member of his family in this country and while I empathize with that, I refuse to allow that to be the reason why I would have to endure unnecessary stress from him.

            I’m looking for someone here in the Atlanta metro area. I’ve seen a few female counselors but they weren’t “godly” in my opinion. Their advice was separation. But where will I go? What will happen to my children?

            When he blows up, sometimes I’m quiet or talk to him calmly and other times, I’m not. It seems to me that he’s happiest when he gets a reaction out of me so that he can flip it back on me and remove the blame from himself. Take for instance this last argument. He swore that he told me something but I told him that he didn’t. He instantly blew up and started yelling at me. I told him that he didn’t tell me what he thought he told me and could he please stop yelling. Then he hung up the phone. When we talked later, he said I was calling him a liar. I asked him, “Did I say that you were a liar? Did you hear those exact words come out of my mouth?” He admitted that he didn’t but that I shouldn’t insist that he didn’t tell me something. I should instead say that I didn’t hear it. And this is where I feel like I’m the crazy one, you know? I just can’t win. This all just feels very unreasonable to me.

            No, he doesn’t say. He doesn’t feel the need to explain himself to me. However, I have to explain everything I do to him. And for years, I have been doing it but I’m tired of it now. I feel like I don’t even know who I am.

            My fears are my children. That one day, I will get so fed up that I will do something that I’ll later regret and it will have a negative impact on them.

            I want my marriage to improve. I want better communication. I want to treated like someone who is important part of my family. I do not want to be treated like some employee here to serve everyone else’s needs but yet, no one cares about how I’m feeling.

            As for my walk with Christ, I want to believe that there’s a purpose for my life because right now, I’m failing to understand what this is all about. My marriage has clouded a lot of my perspective on Christ and the meaning of this union/covenant. And my greatest desire is to lead a fulfilled life and to know what God’s will is for my life.

            1. Nicole,

              Do you have a church family?

              How did you come to Christ?

              What you are describing does sound unreasonable.

              Does he try to do things for you, as a way of apologizing?

              What did you see in him before you got married?

              Why did you go forward with marrying him when you saw the way that he was already?

              What are the things you see in him that are good now?

              Is there anything in him that you can respect?

              Have you talked about separation before?

              Is he ever tender and loving?

              How does he show love?

              Why did he want to marry you?

              Here is a post about The Bible and Divorce. For a believer, I don’t believe that divorce is an option. But – if the emotional outbursts and blowing up verbally are too much, you could separate. But I would want to do much prayer and fasting and truly seeking God on my face in order to take such a drastic step.

              You have not described abuse at this point, from what I can see. He sounds overbearing and like he can’t control his temper and like he blames you for all of the problems. Those things are not good things. But – from what I can tell, you are safe, correct?

              If God does lead you to separate – God is able to provide a way for you to take care of your children and a place for you to stay. We will pray about that.

              Is there anything that you believe God desires you to change in your own life? What sins do you struggle with?

              How much time are you spending with God?

              Do you trust God?

              I don’t think that God is asking you to pretend anything. I believe He wants to transform you and your husband and completely change your hearts to match His own. I care very much about how you are feeling. I want you to be able to feel loved in your marriage. And I want this to be a win/win for you and your husband and also – for God. The things you want are good things. But – the question is, how to get there. And, another question is – where are your desires for your marriage in relationship to your desires for Christ? What is most important to you?

              Yes, if you sin, your husband will latch on to that and use your sin to justify his sin. Adding more sin doesn’t ever fix anything.

              Do you also yell and scream at him? Even in response? What things have you said to him that might have been hurtful?

              Is it possible that he is hurting and deeply wounded with lots of scars in his soul? What is behind the anger? Fear? Pain? Rejection?

              Have you ever read Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas?

              Much love to you!

  11. Thanks so much for this am in a long distance relationship we always communicate but he normally hangs up on me anytime i talk about marriage

  12. Thanks so much for this blog Am in a long distance relationship he claims he loves me but what i don’t understand is that he normally hang up on me anytime i talk about marriage

    1. Gbolonyo,

      It is wonderful to meet you! I wonder if he feels too pressured by you? How long have you been together? Has he ever brought up marriage on his own?

      Much love!

      1. Thanks very much for the reply.We’ve being together for almost three years now yea he normally tell me he will marry me but refuse to tell me that will happen. Actually he has introduce me to his parents of which we used to communicate but am still confused if he will even after apologisin through text message its been two days now that i did not hear,from him bcos he ignored my call yesterday n did not call me today too should i wait for him to call or call again.Thank u

        1. GBolonyo,

          Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

          What things do you admire about him? What kind of man is he?

          What do you say when you bring up marriage?

          How do you usually respond if he hangs up on you?

          Is it possible that he doesn’t want to get married?

          Are you both old enough to get married at this point?

          How is the relationship usually?

          I don’t think I would call him or contact him right now.

          Much love to you! I am sure this is very, very painful. 🙁

  13. And when you storm out on him he is of course expected to do exactly the same thing towards you, pray and hope his wife forgives his disrespecting her.

    1. Melissa,

      Hey! It’s great to meet you. 🙂

      If both husband and wife love and honor Christ, there really isn’t a need for anyone to storm out on anyone – or, at least, that would be the goal! If we are all living in the power of God’s Spirit, we will all be filled with His supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

      But if one spouse does sin against the other or is rude or disrespectful – and that happens at times (unfortunately), even among believers – the other spouse can choose to respond in the power of God’s Spirit rather than in sin.

      We don’t have to have arguments, contention, strife, and divisions in Christian marriages. In fact, if we do have these kinds of things, that is a big red flag that something is very wrong spiritually in our walk with Christ. Divisions and contention are signs of worldliness, not godliness (1 Cor. 3:3). God commands us as believers not to complain or argue (Phil. 2:14-16). We can have calm discussions. We can disagree respectfully. We can ask for some time to pray and seek God’s wisdom and get our own hearts right with God before we approach a difficult subject or confront sin.

      Because I only write for women, I don’t talk about what men should do. But they have as much or more responsibility before God than we do as believers. And they will be accountable for every motive of their hearts, every thought, every word, and every action – just like we will – when this life is over. Husbands are to treat their wive with honor and not be harsh with them – I Peter 3:7.

      My desire is to help us as wives focus on becoming the women God desires us to be. We can trust God to do the convicting and changing of our husbands. Our job is to seek to please, obey, and fully submit to Christ ourselves and to seek to honor and bless our husbands. They are to love us selflessly and lead us humbly and lovingly with the unconditional love of Christ. We cannot change them or make them obey God – just like they cannot change us or make us obey God. But we can allow God to radically change us – and as He does that, He gets us out of the way so He can radically change our husbands, as well, for His good purposes.

      Much love to you!

      “Why Do I Have to Change First?”

  14. I thank God I came upon this site. …right now my husband and I are in dire straits – I have no realised how I disrespected him ans hurt him. The thing is he had cheated on me and I can’t get over the hurt and pain. I have been clingy and paranoid since then phoning him and checking up on him
    Even accusing him again. Today he has told me I took it too far and he’s done now. How do I fix this. He is a very strong willed man. And also says hurtful things. Right now going to him to apologise is not an option. He has spent the night out of the house ans returned this morning out of insecurity I said nasty things about where he was and what he was doing. I even wonder if he was with someone else

    1. Sandy,

      Goodness, such a painful mess! I’m glad to meet you – but I am so sorry about all the pain in your marriage for both of you.

      When did the cheating happen?

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      You believe he was out cheating on you last night?

      Sending you the biggest hug!!!! Much love to you!

  15. Good Day,
    i am not married divorce,but was in relationship for 7 years.My Boyfriend after 7 years find someone to sighn him on as a celeb singer he promis me this 7 years i work so hard for him he will climb the leather alone.
    Now i am so hash to meet someone i cant wait for them to cantact me.
    i dont want to chase them but because i am so lonely i am in such a hurry.
    What can i do to be calm and wait for a man to always contact me.
    Now i met a friend in Cape Town I am in Bloemfontein.
    I like hime but i dont want to push or loose him.
    What should i do give me advise please.
    Thanks God bless.

    1. SandraTurner,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      My first question is to ask you how your relationship with Christ Jesus is going. He is the One who can fulfill your life, give you purpose, meaning, hope, strength, identity, love, peace, and joy. If you have Him on the throne of your life – you can have peace and be calm and trust Him to lead you in the direction He desires you to go. 🙂

      Much love!

  16. Without knowing what happened prying the most common reasons being shot out has always been connected to lose of interest or lose of love for you. Hard to swallow. Tough to feel good after this scenario. After losing love. Convenience sets in. Words come to mind. “I love you but not in love with you” “I’ll stay with you but I’m not in love anymore”. These are hints of two categories moving on (fall out of love and not in love with someone else) or a cheater who is almost got away with hidden infidelity and is guilty cause this feels to a cheater intense “getting caught red handed” scenario. For the confused lover. Warning bells go off the moment he doesn’t want to talk. Men/women who love & respect their partner won’t take offense to respectively hear (not 100% understand) what he/she has to say. Want to save a marriage = listen. Want a marriage be realistic and stop trying to force love and respect when it’s not there. Best to move on from relationship or divorce. Best to understand all angles of the situation before assuming all is good and all is bad. Talking sorts it out. No talking about the status/ what’s going on will doom marriage. Being room mates is no fun.

    1. Lores,

      There is certainly a time for talking. Talking can sort things out. But if a man is so upset that he leaves without speaking – that is not a good time to follow him and pressure him. Sometimes men need a bit of time to process things – and if we follow them and pressure them at that point, it can repel them further.

      Divorce is not a viable option for a believer in Christ in most cases. Separation can be necessary, yes. And if an unbelieving spouse leaves, according to I Corinthians 7, we are to let them go and not try to force them to stay.

      A very painful situation, for sure. But as believers in Christ, we have access to God’s Spirit, His wisdom, His love, and His power – and we can certainly pray for our husbands and pray for God’s intervention and His direction for us.

      Much love! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  17. This article is no help. Demeans women. Man and woman are equal. Modern times people. Here are some facts for independent women. I make more money than my husband. Also I own my home. Not trailer. He sits around and builds computer’s while I work 12hr shifts as a nurse and do the drywall, tar the roof, do yard work on my days off. I ask for help while I’m working. He hangs up…. Right I should apologize for turning him into a grown brat. So ladies don’t think for a second that your emotions are killing your relationship. They are valid. Don’t let some man undermine your point of view because that will kill your self esteem. Stick up for what you believe in and don’t call that sucker. Go do you. Be independent. Stereotypes, break that mold. Good luck.

    1. Knowone,

      Sounds like a very frustrating situation – one I can actually relate to quite a bit.

      Men and women absolutely have equal value! Genesis 1:27 says that men and women were created in God’s image. Galatians 3:27 says that in Christ there is no difference between male and female, slave or free person, or between races of people. I totally agree with you. We are all equally valuable and precious before God and one another.

      As a pharmacist, I made more money than my husband did (as a chemical engineer) for the first 18 years of our marriage. I am working fewer hours now, but I still make much more than he does per hour.

      I had a lot of the same views you did, it seems, for the first 14+ years of our marriage. I spent a lot of time telling my husband to help me and telling him all the ways he could improve. You can check out my “About” for my story, if you are interested. But what I can tell you is this, all of my trying to control him, dictate things to him, change him, criticize him, and look down on him repelled him from me. He shut down. I blamed him. Until God opened my eyes in December of 2008 to the fact that I had not been the most awesome wife ever (as I had so pridefully thought). He showed me that the way I had treated Greg really hurt him, even though he never said a word about it.

      I spent several years after that begging God to change me and to show me what it meant to be a godly wife and how I could treat my husband in ways that honored Him and honored my husband. God was so gracious and has radically changed me and continues to radically change me. He healed and transformed me first. Then He began to slowly heal my husband. Then He healed our marriage. Now, my husband is the man I always knew he could be. He is willing to bend over backwards for me because he trust me and feels safe with me. I’m so thankful for that painful day when God caused me to stop and evaluate what it was like to be on the receiving end of the way I was treating my husband.

      I don’t know you or your husband or your situation. Perhaps your husband is involved in terrible sin against you. There are times we do need to confront our husbands about their sin. But I have also learned from Matthew 7:1-5 that there is great wisdom in evaluating my own heart, motives, thoughts, words, and actions by the light of God’s Word with the help of His Spirit and dealing with that before I attempt to confront my husband about things he may be doing that are hurtful.

      We are absolutely free to share our concerns, needs, feelings, desires, and issues. We can and we should share them. But we can share them without sinning against our husbands. We can share of ourselves humbly, respectfully, and with gentleness. We can respect God, ourselves (our new selves in Christ), and our husbands all at the same time. We don’t have to be doormats or slaves, but we also don’t have to be controlling, bitter, hateful, or hurtful ourselves (the way I used to be), thankfully.

      There is healing for all of us – wives and husbands, and singles, too – in Christ.

      Much love!

    1. Jane,

      God did give husbands the position of spiritual authority, yes. But I am not to be pitied! I used to take charge of our marriage and was quite controlling for over 14 years. I almost destroyed our marriage. God opened my eyes to what I was doing and how destructive my approach was. He radically changed me. And in time, He radically changed my husband and healed our marriage, as well.

      God’s definition of authority is not a worldly definition. Jesus says that anyone who wants to be greatest or who has a position of authority is not to lord it over others, but is to be the servant of all.
      God’s design in marriage is to display the Gospel. The husband is to portray the selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love of Christ for His church to his wife. He is to love her unceasingly no matter what may happen. He is to look out for her best interests at all times. He is to protect her, lead her, provide for her. A wife who is treated like that is greatly blessed.

      A wife is to portray the honor, respect, and submission (by God’s definition, not slavery, and not 50 Shades of Gray) of the church to Christ. Husbands are not deity. But they respond beautifully to respect. A wife is not to worship her husband, but only God. But she can be her husband’s most trusted friend and dearest advisor. She has a voice, she has incredible godly power to build up and bless the marriage, and as the husband and wife live out God’s beautiful design – where the roles are different but equally valuable – the world can observe the Gospel of Jesus Christ and will be drawn to Him.

      I know this concept is very countercultural. I know our culture has told us all that men and women are not only equal, we are supposed to be “exactly the same.” But that is a destructive design for marriage. We are equal. And yet we are also different – and that is what makes it possible for us to have this beautiful dance.
      Much love to you!

  18. I understand what your addressing here. However hanging up and walking out is never acceptable in a marriage. Love and respect are according to Ephesians the cornerstone of a marriage. If a wife is to subject herself to this all times, then perhaps she is dealing with a passive aggressive man. That take spiritual warfare. Not sugar platitudes.

    1. Hei Mudan,

      I am not advocating that anyone should hang up on someone or walk out. I agree that is not generally going to be a very productive way to handle things. But I do think that – since we can’t control our men – we can take a look at our approach and be sure we are handling ourselves well.

      Yes, there should be respect and love flowing in both directions in marriage. That is the goal!

      There are times we may need to confront our husbands if they are sinning against us. Here is a post about that. But when a man is feeling out of control or needs time to process very negative emotions is not going to be a productive time, generally, to attempt to confront him. And we do need to be sure we repent of any sin in our own lives first before we would attempt to humbly, gently, respectfully address sin in our husbands’ lives.

      Much love to you!

  19. Thank you for your very practical Christian blog. Seeing that there are comments on this blogs means there are other women out there who understand and have experienced the same thing. Please intercede for me in prayer as I have been giving him space now for the past 20 hours and counting. I truly believe that is it the prayers of women that makes a great man; I would like my husband to become that godly and wise man with self control. The devil is of course trying to hold him back from furthering God’s ministry by breaking down our marriage. Ive prayed in Jesus name for the devil to be cast out of our marriage. I’m just praying for the Holy Spirit to work in his heart now… Maybe he’s been holding back until our young kids go to sleep. We really do know better in terms of how to fight right. Self control is a while new mater. By I know God is with us, and no one can break us apart.

    1. Lee,

      I’m so sorry that things are really hard right now. It is very stressful to have so much tension with someone you love – especially with your husband!

      Would you like to talk a bit about what is going on? Perhaps we could talk about some approaches that may be helpful?

      Praying for God’s wisdom and His healing for you both.
      Much love to you!

  20. Thank you for interceding for me! To clarify, he walked out and came back (because we have established in the past that this is unacceptable behaviour). But has been “stonewalling” since that moment. The stonewall has crumbled for now— our 34 hour stand off. I felt your prayers that came to reassure me of love as I took your advice to enjoy my children. And thank God for being my stronghold. My husband went off to work this morning but just came home to hug me. We know the storm has passed; but we’ve scheduled for the debrief talk tonight. I really think we should be able to handle this better… We have our rules of engagement (how to fight fairly in the ring), we’re strong lay leaders, and we are even pre-marital counsellors with 7 years of marriage under our belt– accompanied by much metaphorical battle wounds bandaged and healed by God. I’ve left my info in your contact me page. But I also realise you’re not doing one on one mentorship. Thank you for your powerful prayer and this resource to help me get through this episode. Many blessings!

    1. Lee,

      SO precious that he came home just to hug you! How did the conversation go? Praying for God’s continued work in both of your lives for His glory, my dear sister!

  21. Hey April/all ladies

    I have a question, and in searching for it this blog came up, I’d love to get some insight on this small issue I am trying to handle. A lot of times when I am talking my husband will begin doing something else or walk out of the room. I’ve noticed it a couple times and it bothers me, so I mentioned it to him the other day when I was telling him a story about something that happened at my bible study and he walked out of the room? I stopped talking and he said I’m listening ! (Yeah really seems like it right) so I just waited until he came back in which he did and I was not really interested in telling the story anymore at that point but he insisted I do so I did and all was fine. It’s happened a couple more times and I’ve said something here or there but not really been disrespectful or had a fight over it or anything. So.. Today I was talking to him and it was like as soon as I opened my mouth there he goes… I was kind of at my wits end when I said babe! You did it again, I was in the middle of talking and you walked away that makes me feel really unimportant and that you’re uninterested in what I’m saying and I don’t get it.
    He stormed in and said I am so selfish with that and that i demand he stare at me with full attention every time I speak and that that is selfishness! And that he is a multi tasker and that’s just what he does and I need to get over that bc it is selfish!(he kept saying that word)
    Well first I am not demanding about it?
    I would assume anyone would know that it is not polite to walk out or completely start doing something else when someone is talking to you. I don’t think he would do that to a random stranger or one of his youth kids or parents. (He’s a youth pastor)
    He’s not being a good listener
    He’s not being in the moment and he’s basically speaking to me “whatever I am doing is much more important than you right now so I’m going to choose that instead of listening”
    It’s very disheartening and I’m not trying to say give me your full attention but how does he not see that it is rude or would hurt someone’s feelings.

    How should I handle this and is there scripture about listening or being a good listener?

    1. Nicki,

      Well, it sounds like you did confront him about this – and from what I can tell – it seems like you did a pretty good job with that.

      Now, I guess my thoughts would be, “Is there any truth to what my husband said to me,” when he got upset. Could be a good thing to think through – what are your expectations of him? Are you talking to him 50 minutes out of every hour, for example? Maybe that is too much talking? Or are you just talking for 10 minutes per evening? Is he really listening as he goes out of the room? Sometimes I will listen to my husband while I am getting ready for bed and he is in bed but I am going between the bedroom and bathroom and can listen as I am brushing my teeth and things. If he wants to talk for an hour, which sometimes he does, I may have to go in and out of the bathroom or I will never get to bed at a decent time. But I truly DO want to hear all that he wants to tell me. And I try to do everything I can to be in the room giving my full attention as much as possible.

      It may be a matter of different expectations. It may be that you can say, “It would mean a lot to me if you didn’t leave the room when I am telling you something.” Of course, I think he got that message at this point.

      How are you doing spiritually at this time? Are you interested in a spiritual check up?

      Much love and the biggest hug to you! 🙂

      1. Nicki,

        I talked with Greg about this issue tonight. He said he does sometimes feel like what he is saying is unimportant to me if I am trying to get ready for bed while he is talking. So we talked about this. I NEVER want him to feel disrespected. That broke my heart!!!!!!

        But I also need to have a heads up if he is going to want to tell me something that is going to take an hour (or more) ahead of time – if possible. That way I can try to get ready first and do anything I need to do – then be ready to give him all of my attention for an extended period of time. Or, I need some intermissions, at times, so I can go to the bathroom or grab the laundry, or get something to eat. I don’t want to interrupt him – but there may be times I have to excuse myself for a minute or two to take care of something if it is a really long story. I always want him to know that he is important to me and that what he wants to tell me is important to me. I am sure your husband wants you to feel important to him, too.

        I hope maybe y’all can have a conversation about this, too, where you both want to understand each other better and where you can come to a compromise and a better way of dealing with this issue that makes you both feel loved, valued, respected, and honored.

        Much love!

  22. Do you have any suggestions for a woman married to an aspergers man? Over the years it’s gotten harder. He lives to escape to his special intrest of work and laying in his car listening to his music. He feels a lot of shame as our house is falling apart, we are cut off from social interaction, unless the kids and I go alone. He won’t seek help unless I leave him for awhile, and he does some counseling for a short time, then goes back to his favorite past time, resentment. Any thoughts?

    1. Hiding,

      Aspergers makes things MUCH more difficult in marriage, as I am sure you well know. Have you read any resources specifically for this? Do you have any support group?

      My understanding of Aspergers is that it is extremely difficult for people with this condition to be able to connect emotionally and to relate to others. That is very hard on a marriage. What is your understanding of his mindset and his abilities? What are your expectations of him?

      How are you doing spiritually, my precious sister? Would you be interested in a brief and very general spiritual check up with me?

      Much love to you and a huge hug!

  23. I have clung to Jesus, during this 26 years of marriage, breast cancer, thyroid cancer, and separations to try to survive. I love him so much, and the more I try to love him, the more angry he is, starts resenting me and I never guess what he’s angry about. He seems to respond best to my distance and independence. But still terrible example to the kids of.Godly marriage. We are both believers, and pray together, the only reason we are still together.

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