Skip to main content
63444_475711561226_574291226_6400505_7260085_n

Nikka’s First Interview with Her Husband after Beginning Her Journey

 

 

 

Brown Sugar Photography - Alejar Family-119

Nikka’s husband, Dong, and their youngest child

A guest post from my dear friend, Nikka, who began this journey in September of 2013 – www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com

———————————

When I asked my husband if I could interview him, he said, “Okay, but you will not like what I will say. It might not even be print-worthy.”

I was expecting the worst! I thought he would say any of the following:

“You are still not ‘getting’ the respect journey. I am still feeling disrespected.”
“All your efforts are just going to waste.”
“I am thinking what you are doing is just for show. It won’t last.”
“You still haven’t changed one bit. You are still controlling.”

I was even about to call off the interview because I was scared I might be setting myself up for a bad day, and as I write this, it is still my birthday! I didn’t want to feel disappointed or sad on this special day, but with great humility, I said to the Lord, “I will accept whatever my husband will tell me today. I will use this to really check my motives -if I am doing this for God or for myself only. I will allow whatever he will tell me to make me a better wife.”

With a deep breath, I approached Dong while he was working on a project and told him that I was ready for the interview (I was soooooo nervous!).

Keep in mind that I have been in my respect journey for only give or take 4 months. I still have a looong way to go and a loooooot more to learn about this. It is like learning a foreign language.

Nikka: First of all, what qualities about me did you like?

Dong: You mean, when we were still starting? Aside from the physical, what I liked about you was your religiosity and your personality. We really hit it off right away. We were good friends.

When I was most controlling, how did this affect you? (Editor’s Note: I was my most controlling around 2010 to early 2012.)

The truth? I wanted to die. Life didn’t seem to have any meaning.

Why?

Because I couldn’t make you happy.

But we had our kids….

Yes, but you seemed unhappy. I was like: “What is the point if I could not make YOU happy?”  That made me think about marriage a lot. It was like a double-edged sword. It could make you so happy but it could also make you so sad. I didn’t want to recommend it to anyone.

When I finally decided to let go of my desire to control and to submit to your leadership, how did this affect you?

I still am in the process of adjusting… I acknowledge all your efforts. I know how hard this must be for you. I am impressed by what you are doing. 

Do you sometimes think this is just a phase and that I will snap out of it?

… Only time will tell. Don’t attribute everything to you. You are not entirely at fault. It’s not all you. I have/had my own struggles too.

But I really was  leading our marriage. I felt that I was doing us a service by deciding for our family, since you admitted before that you were “clueless…”During that time I felt “masculated”, so unfeminine, bitter and resentful that I had to lead…

But you have to remember, I allowed you to do that… to lead. At that time, nothing fulfilled me. I didn’t know what to do, and since you wanted to do things your way, I allowed it.
(Editor’s Note: Please read this on why the passive husband will never lead when led by a dominant wife)

But then, if I erred, it was MY problem…

Yes, ganun na nga. 


(Laughter)


Do you agree with the Biblical truth in Ephesians that “wives should submit to their husbands?”

Yes, but I also believe that it should be fine-tuned per relationship. I don’t want you changing your personality for me…

Doormats don’t glorify God either!

Yes, and it would be weird to be a completely different person just because you are doing this (the respect journey).

But honey, now that I know my place in the family (as helpmeet of my husband, and not the head of the home), I can use my strong sense of leadership to encourage you and to be a good follower to you.

Yes. I know how hard this is for you. I appreciate your efforts really.


We then had a really wonderful conversation about God, our faults, our plans, our lives…

All that I feared he would say turned out to be the complete opposite! He was happy with my submission, and he appreciated my efforts! 🙂

He told me he felt very protective of me when people would ask about my stalled “career.” He knew how this used to be such a sore spot with me, to be judged as career-less, and therefore a “nobody”. (My greatest fear before.) And he was so pleased with my progress when he learned that I have found peace and joy in this season in my life, rather than stress/fear in explaining to those asking about it. (For the record, I will not be idle. I will just shift gears, so to speak. 🙂 Enough of  my worldly pursuits!) Truly God’s Great Working. Totally not my doing! 🙂

This is just a first of many interviews I will conduct with my husband in the near and distant future. Things are still awkward. It’s like reinventing the wheel. I am still so unnatural at this, having had no godly mentors in this submission journey. But with God’s Help, and with me, focusing on my part of the deal and Dong being free to do his own part, I know the Lord will look kindly on us and will be pleased with our efforts.

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and convicting my heart of my sins of pride. Help me to be more humble as I follow You and Your will for me and our family, via my husband, Dong. Amen.

RELATED:

Nikka’s story – How she became “Peacefulwife Philippines”

An Interview with My Husband – Understanding a Passive Husband’s Mindset – by Peacefulwife (April)

27 thoughts on “Nikka’s First Interview with Her Husband after Beginning Her Journey

  1. Thank you, Nikka for sharing this! What struck me the most was how important it was to your husband that you are happy. I know our happiness is important to our husband but I am always shocked when I am reminded just HOW important it is. Thank you for sharing this!

    1. I was so puzzled , A fellow wife, when Dong said that to me. I remember it was in the car one time: “I feel like a failure. I couldn’t make you happy.” I was like, “Duh? Get a job (I want for you) and you will make me happy!” was what I was thinking. We all know how that will turn out. He did get the job I wanted for him, but I was still restless. We really are a bottomless pit of discontentment. Only in Christ do we rest. Only by focusing on Him alone are we at peace. God bless you! 🙂

      1. “bottomless pit of discontentment. Only in Christ do we rest. Only by focusing on Him alone are we at peace. God bless you! ” wow – so true!

  2. Thanks Nikka! I pray that these discussions are always met with love and understanding for you 🙂 Happy Belated Birthday and Thank you for sharing!

    P.S. – That was sweet to share pictures! Adorable 🙂

    1. Thanks fallenshort! I turned 38 last Dec. 26, 2013. 🙂 It was just church and bit of baking, and this interview! 🙂 My blog has lots of pics. I am a picture-person. I like looking at pictures, and I am assuming, some or most readers would appreciate something to look at while reading my long posts. 🙂

      That is my prayer too. I want to interview him again maybe next week. God bless you! 🙂

  3. Thank you for sharing that! The second question/answer made me cry. My husband told me many times when we were struggling, that he hated his life and if he didn’t have kids he would rather die. That just breaks my heart now that I was making him so miserable. All of this is hard work, but having my husband act tenderly and loving and protective of me is worth all the the effort.

    1. Hi Daisymae! It is a blessing that we have husbands who find joy in making us happy. 🙂 I see that now as a blessing. Back then I found it sweet, yes, but also kinda odd.

      Happy wife = successful husband was not in my equation.
      It was more like: Be ‘successful’ = happy wife.

      With our renewed submissive spirits, we are able to focus on God Who makes us Joyful and Peaceful, thereby creating happy spirits in us. With this new thermostat in the home, wherein we find ourselves happier because of Christ who dwells in our hearts, plus our new respectful selves, I am pretty sure,our husbands will be empowered more to lead us and feel “successful” because we are no longer sulky or worrisome, but are now the smiling, cheerful, peaceful wives that they would want to come home to day after day after day. 😀 God bless you!

    2. Daisymae,
      I am SO grateful God is working in your heart. I know this is hard, but it is more than worth it on so many levels! I’m super proud of you for getting in the passenger seat and being patient. Great job!

      I am so glad to hear things are going better!!!

  4. Thank you, Nikka, for sharing your journey. I am sooo encoursged by your openness about how you are working through what submission looks like in you. I have been stuck on this point as I am the outgoing one (my husband says I can be quite a powerhouse-I think he’s being gracious) & my husband is more quiet & reserved.
    It was very helpful to hear your husband talk about how he desired to make you happy & how he felt so defeated when nothing made you happy. I have been that unhappy woman & now see how my husband will do almost anything just to make me happy & how my dissatisfaction just hurts him so deeply.
    You are an inspiration!

    1. Hi Sally!

      We are in this journey together, sis. ‘Submission’ is very unnatural for me. I am used to getting my way. I am used to deciding for us, since it takes my husband quite a while to make up his mind, whereas I seem to know what I want almost all the time, and I don’t dilly-dally. It’s taking up all my energy to “keep still” .:) But, I know that this is where God wants me right now. To minister to my home. I will use my leadership skills to empower my husband. I will no longer lead but just be his great encourager. The shift in dynamics is shocking to the system at first, and I am still getting used to it, but it has brought much PEACE — one that the world could not give, but only Christ could. Hang in there and move forward Sally! We are all in this for the long haul. God bless you! 🙂

      1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I struggle with “powering down” because of my ADHD & know God has given me a quiet, thoughtful husband for His purpose. I’ve fought that for years but am learning how my powering down helps my husband lead but doesn’t mean I have to be a doormat. God is awesome how He works out the details! You are appreciated & I’m grateful for your transparency as you walk this through. 🙂

      2. How did you “keep still”? This is my current challenge to remember to power down because sometimes I don’t realize I’m winding up. I’m also wondering how you focus your energy on God & your husband without being like a fire hose toward them. 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing! I am sooo grateful for your wisdom as you walk through this journey.

        1. I am just about learning “keeping still”, Sally. 🙂 I am used to being over-busy and all over the place. I perform ‘best’ when I have a million things to multi-task. Keeping still was not a strong suit with me… How I do it now? I have let go of my desire to control. I have let God take over. I just literally keep still now. I only do what is required of me to do in any given day — drive the kids to and from school, cook meals, breastfeed our infant, bond with my husband… And pray and read His Word in between.

          To refocus or rechannel my energies towards God is to not badger Him with a million complaints about my husband like before.. It is just talking to Him in the silence of my heart now OR listening to Him. I couldn’t LISTEN before. I was too full of myself and my whole interior and exterior world was TOO NOISY. Now that I am keeping still, I get to listen to Him now. 🙂

          To refocus or rechannel my energies towards my husband is to NOT control him or constantly suggest things for him to do to improve or whatever. It is to encourage him when he does things for the family. It is showing him by words and actions that I respect him and love him. It is to smile at him a lot. 🙂

          Keeping still is not in the list of my talents but I am getting better at it, if I may say so myself. It is hard, but with God’s Help, and I know this is very necessary right now in this season of my life, I am just being still because I know that God wants me to be. 🙂

          God bless you, Sally!

          Here’s a link to my blog about Keeping Still. 🙂 http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2014/01/my-husbands-leadership-seminar.html

          1. This was a great post on being still. Learning to be a follower while my husband becomes comfortable being a leader. My husband has always been a great leader, but if someone comes on quite strongly to offer “help,” he’ll back off to keep the peace externally. With my internal engine generally running at warp speed (or so I’ve been told!), I am having to learn how to power down internally as well (I have adult ADHD & while I’ve learned how to power down externally more than in the past since seeking treatment in the last 6 months, my husband can sense the internal engine still revving – another opportunity to submit!). Thanks for the link – it was sooo helpful! I appreciate you sharing your journey.

  5. “Powering down” is a good term. 🙂 Maybe to women like us with much energy to give, let us redirect that “power” to empower our husbands. Instead of keeping it all bottled up (this might make us burst! ;), we could focus our energies first to God,then to our God-ordained authority, our husbands.That way, we still can give our hundred percent, with just a shift in gears so to speak. 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: