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A Wife Responds Beautifully to Her Husband’s Bad Mood

enjoying a sunny afternoon
This is from the wife who decided to stop pursuing her husband and trying to make him show love to her the way she wanted him to.  She is the one who gave up on her dream for her marriage in August of this year.  She began this journey 12 months ago, but only REALLY began to understand stopping control and stopping all disrespect a month and a half or so ago.  Her husband is a believer in Christ.  There are no major issues in this marriage (no infidelity, drug addiction, mental health disorders, violence, etc…).
The other day, her husband had a REALLY awful day at work and rushed home to go out with his friends that night as he had planned.  He was very short with her when he got home.  She told him that she was hurt by the way he talked to her.  He tried to get her to argue with him.  She refused.  She said, “I am not arguing.  I just want you to know that I am hurt.”  When he continued to try to get her to engage in a fight and accused her of controlling him, she said, “You are free to leave.  I am not saying you must stay.  I don’t want you to leave with things like this between us. I just want you to know I feel hurt.”
He left.  
She emailed me a few times.  She asked me if things get worse before they get better sometimes.  I assured her that “Yes, sometimes that does happen!”  I have a post about that issue linked at the bottom.  I encouraged her to not text or call him, but to just wait.  I told her that if she gave him some space, he would probably apologize.  I suggested that if he did not apologize right away, that she just respectfully create some distance until he did apologize.  If he asked what was wrong, I suggested that she could say, “I’m still upset/I’m still hurt.” She was sad for a bit, but then, looked to God and found strength and was calm about the whole thing.
She sent me an email the next day.  Her husband acted VERY differently this time…
So, wouldn’t you know it, the one night I want him to come home late so I can be asleep and have space, he doesn’t.  He comes home at 11:30 – the earliest he has ever made it in.  He comes in, just talking as if nothing ever happened.  Men are so funny.
I was not rude.  I answered any question he asked me but made NO comments to him.  He would say, “Did you hear me?” and I would say “mm-hmm” and look preoccupied.
He came over to me and said, “I want a kiss.”
I said, “I am still upset.”
He said, “I don’t care.  I still want a kiss.”  I allow him to kiss me.  Then I exit the room.  Maybe that was wrong.  I am learning here.  So, I basically stay in different rooms.  We get in bed around midnight-ish.
He tries a few more attempts at conversation.  I continue to not comment and only answer questions and give him distance as best I can in the same room.  I read beside him in bed for probably 30 minutes.  I was thinking “Oh my goodness…. is he REALLY not going to apologize?! Is he going to let it go like this?”
I finally get tired and put my book down and turn out the light and turn my back to him.  I lay there for several minutes.  Then he said, “Can I have a kiss goodnight?”  I paused.  Then I say, “Is that all you have for me?”  maybe that was wrong?  I don’t know.  You can tell me.  I was probably pushing for an apology too much.
He sighs and says, “No, I could give you an apology.  I am sorry I was such a jerk.  I should not have took my bad day and my job out on you.  I love you, Honey.”
I rolled over and kissed him and crawled up to lay on his shoulder.  I don’t know if this was wrong but I thought- I really need to reward him for apologizing and showing me this effort.
He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me again.  I told him I felt very hurt when he spoke so harshly to me.  He said he knew and he was sorry again.
THEN- I broke a rule and asked if he thought about us while he was gone.  I have not asked him, not even once, if he has thought about me at work since I let go of him.  BUT I felt like maybe it was okay? I wanted insight into his thoughts.  I probably made all kinds of mistakes here.
He sighed again, “Yes, I thought about us.  I had a terrible time.  I didn’t even have any fun.” (It was not funny but I found it just a little bit amusing).

“All I could think about was how hurt you were.”

Okay- that last statement was HUGE!!!!!!  It is not unusual for him to tell me he thought about us after an argument and that he was working it over in his mind .  But for him to say he thought about ‘how hurt I was’ was BIG, BIG, BIG!!!!  I am sure if the lights were on, my eyes would have appeared about to fall out of my head…  I was thinking about what you said about how his conscience would really echo if I didn’t get in his face and stuck with giving him my pure feelings.  AND IT DID.
So, all is well.  I am thankful I did better than in times past- though not perfectly – that he did apologize and that is was worked out – and especially that he told me he thought about how hurt I was – big deal to me!
So, crisis averted.

I don’t feel I gave up control at all (now).  There are times things do not go my way- that he doesn’t do the things I want him to do but he didn’t before, either. 

I actually do get my way a lot MORE often now.  He is very anxious to please me.

But a month and a half ago, I really could not see that. 
I was soooooo heartbroken.  I cried buckets and buckets and buckets.  I remember sitting in the Arbys drive through line trying to clear my face up enough to get my sandwich because I was crying so hard.
I thought my marriage was over.  I thought that we would be here out of commitment and no more. I thought our marriage was dead.  It was one of the most devastating things to feel.  I thought I was NOTHING to him.
Things ARE better now.  Not perfect but then they won’t be on this side of heaven.  But MOST days are blissful.
And last night, I did not go to pieces when he left.  I cried a few minutes and then I became logical and knew he would come back to me.

Yes, God’s ways WORK.  

Dh has never, EVER said that he could not stop thinking how hurt I was to me.  He has gone off and come back to apologize but (he was) not that soft in his spirit toward me.
And what was so funny to me was that here I am sharing my feelings- just true feelings with him and he was trying so hard to get me to argue and to argue my feelings down…. BUT like Bob Grant said, you absolutely cannot argue with true feelings.  They stand.  They are real and sincere.  No argument will hold.
And he called me Sweetheart this morning.  That is NEW.  He calls me pet names ALL the time and I love that about him but never that one.  And I love the other names but it was a new happening between us for him to call me that one.
Things are good today.  He is very sweet today.

This way of living is MUCH, MUCH more peaceful.  Stepping out toward it though is a HUGE leap of faith.

I don’t know how you EVER did this without a friend to encourage you along and to give you a picture of the future.
I believe that my friend handled this situation BEAUTIFULLY!  I think she was in tune with God’s Spirit.  I have no concerns about any of the things she did.  I think she was authentic about her feelings.  I think she was respectful.  I love that she cuddled with him after he apologized.
This wife was convinced her husband didn’t really love her just 6 weeks ago or so.  I could see many signs that he really did love her, but she was looking for him to do certain things and couldn’t see all the other ways he showed his love.
But now that she has given up trying to control him and make him submit to her will – he is free to care so much more about her feelings.  Now that he feels more respected and sees she trusts him and she has taken her hands off from his neck, her emotions become much more important to him.
The awesome thing is that when we are being the godly wives God commands us to be –

When we don’t respond to our husbands in sin – all they have to think about when they leave after a conflict is their own sin.  

If we just stick with respectfully, genuinely labeling our feelings briefly – that is much more powerful than a 2 hour lecture or a 3000 word email.
When we repay evil with good and refuse to engage in an argument – God’s power is free to work in our husbands to convict them in ways that are much more powerful than our words could ever be.
I’m so thankful for this precious sister of mine, for what God is doing in her, for what God is doing in her marriage and for her willingness to allow me to share with you.
I Am Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband – He’s Being More Unloving Than EVER! What Is Going On? – things sometimes seem to get a lot worse at first… here’s why!
Learning to Respect and Give up Control Is a Process – by Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare

79 thoughts on “A Wife Responds Beautifully to Her Husband’s Bad Mood

  1. That was really encouraging 🙂 thanks!
    Is there a link to a blog post where you go into what she mentioned about how his conscience would echo if you don’t nag at him??

    Thanks again!

    1. SimpleNurture,

      I’m so glad! I had a feeling that this story would be VERY helpful to many other wives.

      She was referring to some emails I had sent to her in response to her questions and concerns.

      Here is a bit of what I shared – let me know if you need more info!

      Yes, waiting is hard. I remember thinking it would be easier for me to send Greg 87 emails a day than to leave him alone!

      I like how you handled things about not forcing him to stay but sharing that you were hurt. I think that was great.

      He will be thinking about that all evening. Knowing you felt hurt and that you refused to argue.

      When you can respond without sin when he sins against you – his own sin will begin to eat away at his conscience. It’s actually extremely cool. God’s way totally works!

      I am glad you won’t approach him again. It may be good that he has that much time to think before he talks with you.

      When he sees that you are calm and not freaking out or trying to make him apologize and that you are not constantly texting him or calling him to try to get him to do what you want – it will be very interesting to see how he responds. I think he will be confused.

      No need to apologize when you were not wrong. You did apologize for what you did do wrong. That was great.

      If he doesn’t apologize, just keep your distance a bit, respectfully, not pouting.

      Now, enjoy time with God. Pray. Sing praise songs. Rest in His love and rest in Curt’s love. He does love you more than anything – read over what he said yesterday. He is going to have bad days. And he is human. And a sinner. This is a fantastic opportunity to show grace.

      I am reading a book, planning to do a review on it this month called “A Grace Filled Marriage” it is AWESOME!

      Also, another book Greg got me is “How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So Your Husband Will Talk” IT IS AWESOME!!!!! I can’t wait to talk about it on the blog, too.

      1. hi there,
        I was searching articles on why do husband get grumpy with their wifes and I found your article. I have been facing countless moments where my hb got very abusive in language and behavior that really upsets me deeply he doesn’t hit but his words can be sharp as knifes and negative vibes is unexplainable, when he is calm he is an excellent dad and husband but he posses a bad temper getting mad at smallest matters when something else is bothering him at the moment, for me I feel its really stressful to deal with his temper tantrums as running the home with 2 kids, chores, volunteer work, a part time job, cooking. All those chores don’t wear me down is the temper flares that sucks up all my remainder energy.

        Thank you for your articles, i just came across it, Ive been praying alot about this and I did hear an advice telling me to meditate and do reflection of what I may have triggered the problem, also as a wife we are the only way of outlet for them which can be really hurtful, they need to be told constantly in a humble way, and if they have no faith in God it takes longer to show them the way not in a controlling way but loving way its hard but possibly that’s what God is teaching us humility.

        1. Ariel,

          I’m so glad to meet you! 🙂

          It sounds like things can get very tense with your husband. That could be scary. If you want to talk about it some more, I am here. 🙂

          I pray God might give you wisdom and I pray for His glory in your life and your marriage. Also I pray for peace in your marriage.

          If you get a chance, you may want to check out the post at the top of my home page about disrespect. Sometimes when men get really angry – it can be because they feel disrespected. The list of things that make them feel disrespected is pretty lengthy – and surprising – to many women.

          Praying for you! 🙂

          1. I would like to respectfully disagree that men become angry because they feel disrespected. They become angry because they choose to do so. The responsibility is on them. I don’t believe in blaming the wife.

            1. Amy,
              That is an interesting point. Anger can be an important flag that tells us we are being sinned against. If a man feels angry because he feels disrespected, that is not sin. What he does with that anger is the question. Will he react in a sinful way or in the power of God’s Spirit.

              We don’t generally choose what makes us angry. Anger happens when we feel our emotional boundaries are being violated or we are being mistreated. But then we are responsible for how we handle the anger. That is where our choice comes in.

              Since my blog is for wives, I focus on our responsibilities before God. God does command us to respect and honor our husbands’ leadership Eph 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, Titus 2:3-5. It is sin for us to disrespect our husbands. So it is our responsibility as wives to obey God ourselves. Just like it is a husband’s responsibility to obey God’s command for him to love his wife with God’s love, to be selfless with her, to be Christlike (as all believers are to be) and not to be harsh with her.

              We may feel unloved and we may feel sad or angry about that. Then our response to our sadness or anger is our responsibility.

              Much love!

        2. Hi Ariel,
          My husband is exactly the same: when he is calm, he is great. But he gets mad at small things or when assumed something incorrectly. He will be very quick to swear in his response like “WTF now ” when I just say something like “I (not us) need to go to fedex for some chores’

          I get really hurt and sad about how he responds, but unlike this article, my husband never feel like he was in the wrong or that he was talking hastily or his reactions were uncalled for.

          This issue had been going on for awhile. I usually get very quiet after such a fight. He will try to talk about what had happened and how he was not wrong and how me being upset was uncalled for.

          I am starting to think there’s no way to fix this. Can anyone provide with any advice?


          1. Hi Katherine, Your husband sounds very much like mine. I flies off the handle when I say something he doesn’t agree with. He puts on an angry face and has a defensive attitude. It’s getting worst day by day. My husband never feels like is in the wrong or that his reactions were uncalled for. This issue with us has also been going on for a long time. I too am thinking there’s no way to fix this. I have no advise as your issue was over a year ago. When we were first married I felt that I was walking on egg shells. He wasn’t home much but the more I’m around him the worst he gets. He’s nice and all the ladies in my club think he’s a sweet guy and that I’m the bad guy. They have no idea that he has been emotionally abusive to me for years. There’s so much more and this week has been the absolute worst even speaking nice and going out to dinner.

            1. Barbara,

              That sounds like a more serious issue is going on. If you are dealing with any kind of mental illness or severe issues, I would encourage you to seek godly counsel. I’m so sorry to hear that things are so hard. 🙁

              Sometimes this resource has been helpful for some of my readers (of course, compare any advice from me or any human author with scripture): it is about toxic relationships and emotional/verbal abuse.

              Much love to you!

    2. SimpleNurture,

      Some of what I was sharing here was from Bob Grant’s ebooks. He does not ever claim to be a Christian. He is a marriage counselor. But he explains a woman having power in being gentle and calm and the power of sharing emotions without blaming. He does a great job explaining how men respond to PAIN and DISTANCE not words. He says “words are for women.” He also says, “Words are not for men.”

      Men do better when we respond with our actions instead of a flood of words. We actually have much more power when we use very few words about highly emotional things and when we don’t allow ourselves to stoop to arguing or competition.

      Bob Grant says, “Arguing is beneath you. You are into harmony and peace, not competition and arguing.”

  2. I had trouble reading this blog, because I have tried these things that she did. However, my husband has a motto..”Don’t say you’re sorry, just be sorry” and. “Don’t say thanks, just be thankful”. He never ever apologizes and rarely shows appreciation or gratitude. It seems like he is grumpy 95% of the time. Any suggestions on how not to let this bother and hurt me on a regular basis?

    1. Vicki,

      Each husband is unique. So you will be tailoring your behavior and words to what fits best for your particular man. Many men do not place any value on words whatsoever. Most men place a whole lot more value on behavior.

      However – repenting to someone we sinned against and expressing gratitude are commands God gives us to obey as believers. So, I am not sure you can completely go with what your husband is saying. But you will definitely want to be sure your body language, tone of voice and facial expressions and behaviors show your gratitude or your repentance.

      Is he a believer in Christ?

      1. Yes, he is a believer in Christ. I know what he is saying is not Biblical, but I would never tell him that as he has told me he doesn’t like it when women ‘use the Bible’ to try to contol a situation. We rarely discuss things biblically, which I am sad to say

        1. Vicki,

          I Peter 3:1-6 is going to be your most powerful approach – with the power of God’s Spirit, of course. Not using words especially about spiritual things, but showing him your genuine respect for what is good in him, cooperating with his leadership, being appreciative of the good things he does. You may have to do more with non-verbal body language, facial expression and tone of voice since he is vocal about not liking words about those things.

          If you’d like to talk about this in more detail, I’m glad to talk with you! 🙂

      2. My husband also is Christian (and even pastor/missionary) but I know how it feels cause he almost never ask me forgiveness and he is really harsh with me, destroying me with his words. He doesn’t understand how words are so powerful.

        I don’t know if it can help but what I do when he tell me I’m stupid or crazy, that I’m so bad…. I silently take position and say “I refuse these words and they fall in the floor in Jesus name”.

        Since a year, he has hurt me so much. I was thinking last week about the great book of John Bevere about not taking offense. Sometimes, it works but some day I’m more sensitive; it still hurts.

        I feel also the pain that we never read the bible and pray together. It’s even harder knowing he’s in the ministry but I know he has still some wounds and fortress from the past and I pray according to te word of God that the darkness in him won’t overpower the light but God will show him his sin and he’ll repent.

        I know one day he’ll fall in his face and see who he is inside and repent. Meanwhile, I pray, trust God and hang on there. This is the hardest part. But there is hope 🙂

        1. Sonadewonderful,

          I like what you say about those words. I wonder – have you ever told your husband that those words hurt?

          Some possible responses can be
          “Ouch!” (Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife”)
          “That really hurt.”
          “Honey, that felt unloving, did I do something that came across disrespectfully just now?” (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs “Love and Respect”)

          There can be times when silence is best, of course.

          I also think there is incredible power in obeying Romans 12:9-21 by repaying evil with good – God can use that to cause great conviction.

          There is a WONDERFUL example of this in “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas.

          I pray for wisdom for you both – and for healing!

          MANY pastors and their wives don’t pray together or read the Bible together. I pray that the enemy will not prevail against you. If you are a pastor and wife – you will be a HUGE target of Satan. That is for sure!

          I have a post for minister’s wives.

          I also have some posts about empowering our husbands’ spiritual leadership:

          “Ways Husbands Lead That Wives May Not Notice”
          Becoming a Good Follower
          Why Having a Husband Who Doesn’t Pray with His Wife Can Be a Blessing
          I Want to Follow My Husband. What if He Doesn’t Lead? How Can I Inspire His Leadership?
          Supporting Your Husband’s Leadership

          Respecting Our Husbands’ Prayers

          My husband doesn’t initiate prayer. He wrote a post about why. He will pray usually if I ask him to. I don’t force it a lot. I think what he has to say is interesting. I pray for God to work in his heart and I will pray for Him to work in your husband’s heart as well! In the meantime – I focus on my relationship with Christ and find ALL of my contentment in Him no matter what Greg is or is not doing. 🙂

    2. Vicki – dear sister in Christ, my husband’s motto USED TO BE “Don’t say you’re sorry; show it (by never doing it again).” I am one to apologize and who likes to be apologized to. He was not; until…. During my walk to become a godly wife, at some point, the conversation came up as to why I continually apologized even though he didn’t like it. I explained to him (in the most pleasant voice I could muster) that I would love to SHOW HIM that I was sorry, but sometimes I will still goof up and make the same mistake. Maybe not the exact same way, but inevitably the same mistake nonetheless. By voicing my apology, I expressed my sincere sorrow for having done that behavior or thing and would do my darndest to make sure I didn’t do it again, knowing full well that it could happen again, even though I was trying my hardest not to. And in my apologizing, I was asking for his forgiveness. It’s huge to me…huge for us. Then…about a month or so later, MY HUSBAND began apologizing to ME for his actions/behavior. I was in such SHOCK I couldn’t find the words to thank him for apologizing to me. My jaw hit the floor and I gasped. He had an odd smile plastered on his face and he walked away with a skip in his step (in case you missed it – he was showing me his love. 🙂 I didn’t recognize it then, but I do now. I will never forget that day or the emotions that surged through my body!). Many months later, I asked my hubby what changed his mind about apologizing and why it was now acceptable to him to apologize and not HAVE TO SHOW it. He, matter-of-factly, explained to me that he thought about what I said and indicated that yes, there were times that he wanted to apologize, but knew that it would be difficult for him to stop that behavior overnight. He thought that the only way he could DO better, was to BE better, and he would feel like a jackass every time he tried and failed. He learned that apologizing was important to me and something that I “needed” and learned that it did make a difference to him knowing that I was repentant for that particular action and he could see that I was really trying – and would continue to apologize each time I sinned (or failed) against him. He told me that he APPRECIATED when I would catch myself and apologize to him. It meant something to him to see that I was really trying so hard. I don’t know if my story will help you – or change your husband’s heart – but who knows! God is amazing and His timing is always perfect! Good luck to you, sister. I pray that God will bless you and consider opening your husband’s heart to understand the importance of “an apology” and that he would see that you are trying and doing your best – and then would be willing to try an apology himself. xoxo

      1. Karen,
        Thanks for your story ~ It offers me hope and encouragement, as well as some guidance on how I can better express myself respectfully.
        I am so happy for you that you got to experience and remember that first apology from him!

      2. so cool, my husband has not apologized to me for he thinks it is weakness – it is strength in a man that can, especially if he is doing it because he knows he wife needs to hear it. That is love, stepping out and meeting your spouses needs, wow what a turn on. I am so deeply happy for you, it gives me hope.

    3. My husband is the EXACT same way……you are not alone. My husband never apologizes. …..ever. I try to please him but nothing seems to work and he blames me when he gets angry. I don’t pester him or chase after him seeking attention either. The tactics in this article would never work on my husband……He would love it if I left him alone or left the room or didn’t initiate a conversation. Basically I feel he wants me around for sex, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and grocery shopping. I’m at a loss on what to do.

      1. Sadwife,

        I used to feel a lot like you do now. I can definitely feel your pain!!! I am so sorry you are feeling so unloved. 🙁 I hope you might check out the posts at the top of my home page, particularly about disrespect and respect and see if there is anything that jumps out at you.

        I used to feel like my husband would be happier if I wasn’t even here. Now, I know that it was my constant (although inadvertent) disrespect that pushed him away for many years in our marriage. My husband who used to ignore me, avoid touching me and avoid talking to me is now the man I always knew he could be. He cares about my feelings. He cares if I am upset now. He does things just to make me happy. We are not perfect at all. We still have lots to learn. But God had to change ME first. Then, very slowly, He changed my husband, too – and He continues to change us both.

        There is much hope in Christ!!!!

        Much love to you!

      2. Oh, honey! I certainly feel your pain. Until my husband turned that corner (and he’s still working on things in certain areas), I too, felt the same way – unloved, unwanted, undesired… I prayed, a lot. My women’s group prayed, a lot. Lots and lots of prayers for me, for my courage, for my patience, for my faith, etc… And then lots and lots of prayers for my husband – all the way around. Prayer works. It takes lots of hard work on our part, as the wife, to lead a godly life and become patient while learning how to live this godly life to become a godly wife. It didn’t happen overnight…it took many, many years – but seeing this through and watching my marriage and intimate relationship with my husband blossom has been so incredibly rewarding (I have a post earlier on here about my husband’s theory on apologizing). He apologizes all of the time now – without hesitation. There have even been times where he stalled an apology and then (later) would take me into his arms for a serious, face to face (literally inches away from his nose), apology. He would crumble into my arms when I would thank him, forgive him, kiss his lips, and tell him I love him, still. The transformation my husband has gone through has been miraculous! I never, ever, ever – in a million years – would have dreamed that we would be where we are today. He’s not only the man I initially met and fell in love with, but he’s even more. God is amazing. His plan, desire, and will for our marriage (and yours as well) is breath-taking. Please do not lose hope. As April suggested, review the list of ways men can feel disrespected, and pray over the list. Ask God to reveal to you ways that you might be disrespectful, or ask God to reveal to you what’s really bugging your husband and ask for wisdom, courage, and guidance for how He best wants you to approach your husband, respectfully. When I first read the list, I didn’t realize that half of them were considered disrespectful and now I could even add a few more to that list. Something you wrote jumped out at me, “He would love it if I left him alone or left the room or didn’t initiate a conversation.” Maybe that’s what you really should do. After all, if that’s what he truly desires – then you could respectfully submit and be happy to do so. But be careful to watch your tone of voice, body language, muttering/moaning under your breath, etc… Maybe softly speak something loving or respectful as you leave the room. Find a quiet place and then pray (strength/courage/wisdom/patience for you and ask God if it would be in His will to soften your husband’s heart and to bring him back to you). I’ll be praying for you – for your marriage – and for your husband. Please do not lose hope! God’s plan works! He is in our corner and will fight for us – when we ask Him to! xoxo

  3. I just love to see women choosing to interact with their husbands out of God’s desire for that interaction instead of their own feelings. This gets me a lot because there are times I just want to make sure he knows exactly how I feel. But as you said God’s ways do work. His thoughts are higher, His ways are better.

  4. Good job.

    Submission does not mean pretending you don’t have feelings, nor does it mean you should not express yourself.

    The persuasive power of femininity is quite effective, is it not?

    Note the subtle difference between “you need to apologize” and “is that all you have for me?”

    I once heard a pastor say that he had a time when he was being very rude to his wife, and her response was “I am going to be a blessing to you one way or another”.

    He said the effect on him was a sudden sense of conviction. The refusal to fight is a good things as well, because a person who is in a combative state of mind will try to draw you in, to help them justify their own bellicose behavior.

  5. I cried through this whole post…bawling my eyes out. Brava, sister! Brava!! May God continue to bless you as you walk in His truth and find peace through Him!

  6. I can SO relate to this post. In 1 year and almost 5 months of marriage, my husband apologized maybe 3 times. And it was after terrible things he said…. He even doesn’t stand that I apologize and say he doesn’t want me to do it because it’s nothing for him…..And he always do as if nothing happen.

    After some fasting and praying, this week I really focus on staying silent. Yesterday, he criticized me again bit I managed to hold my tongue.

    This morning, he woke up in such a bad mood and accused me again. I was about to justify myself but didn’t do it.

    I know one day, God will make me justice and will convince him of sin. Until that time, I need to do with it.

    I know part might be due because I disrespected him. I know it takes a while before he’ll see and believe that I changed. Some day like yesterday, I feel like our marriage is over and that I God doesn’t do something soon, we’ll go into a wall.

    But I’m going to obey him and be silent and we’ll see what happens…..

    1. Sonadewonderful,

      Such a difficult thing to be sinned against and not to respond back in anger, justification and defense.

      I pray that God will give you wisdom. And I pray that He will empower you to respond in the power of His Spirit – with kindness, mercy, grace and Godly love. I pray God will help you know what to say and when and when to be silent for His glory. I pray for conviction for your husband and most of all for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Christ and in your marriage.

      Thank you for sharing!

      It absolutely does take time for a husband to see his wife has really changed – like – usually many months. I pray eventually he will feel safe, respected and loved by you. And I pray that God may show you each step to become the woman of His dreams. 🙂

      Much love to you!

      Please let me know how you are doing!

    2. Sonadewonderful,

      Thanks for sharing. It seems your situation is similar to mine. My husband tells me it is his job to ‘teach’ me, and I typically feel like a reprimanded child rather than a wife or helpmate. His way of teaching is to put down and criticize me, never with encouragement or affirmation. In reading your story I am reminded of the only time he ever apologized to me… He yelled at me so much one time that he spit in my face. At the time I was so shocked and hurt that I simply stood there until he was done and then I walked away without a word. I was very quiet around him the rest of that day, and he actually came and apologized later. Maybe I should have learned more that day… Let him vent and don’t defend myself or say anything back. Let God convict him.

      I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in, and how you are spoken to. It sure is hard not to take offense, and I admire your approach to silently rebuke his negative words. I think I will check out the Bevere book you mentioned.

      It does help to know we are going through similar issues, although I wouldn’t wish them on anyone!

      Peacefulwife – you are so right in pointing out it is hard to be sinned against and not to respond out of the sinful nature. I feel so young and immature in this journey of obedience to God, and I pray for his wisdom, I know I cannot do this without him.

      Thanks for all the time, energy, and prayer you put into the blog. It has become a huge source of wisdom and support for me in my marriage.

  7. This sounds very sweet. When I for example waited a day then was quiet the next day until he pried it out of me and I said, “I actually trout maybe you were just tired” and he said “NO, I meant what I said…you usually aren’t lazy but when you choose to go into the house and not carry in groceries like the rest of the family, I was right to tell you and do it in front of the children.”

    If I am hurt or sad about the mean words he says, he is always VERY justified and actually just tells me to “move out and go live somewhere else because he’s sick of listening to me and my feelings.”

    The fact that your husband is nice to you is very nice. I get to the point where I just figure why respect him when I’m not even allowed to be myself around him…being myself is Always Wrong. I’ve not talked to my parents for months and had to break down and call my dad today just to get some affirmation that I am not stupid, lazy, or half *ssed….sometimes I just get depressed because I being to believe my husband is right about me and I just come to our room to read. Because I’d rather be alone than sitting next to him. It’s so terrible and maybe this will just pass but I’m sick of making excuses for him !

    1. Unsure,

      Has your husband always been this way?

      What was your courtship like?

      Does he have a history of abuse or being abused, addictions or serious issues?

      Does he ever apologize to anyone?

      How does he treat his mom?

      Did his dad ever apologize to his mom?

      Does he have a godly mentor?

      Do you have a godly wife mentor?

      Are you able to separate the lies he tells you and not absorb them but listen to God’s Word about you?

      How does he get along with people at work?

      Have you had godly counseling before?

      What are you praying for these days?

      Are you safe?

      Have y’all ever separated before?

      Is this a first marriage for both of you?

      I wish I could hug your neck!

      What did you used to do and say when you felt unloved and mistreated?

  8. Unsure,

    Has your husband always been this way?
    Yes…he would only apologize if he did get physical.

    What was your courtship like?
    He always liked to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. I just thought that was romNtic at the time but actually seemed more like he never trusted me. Yes, he was always right and if not, there is nothing more said about an issue. He will question and re-question me sometimes to the point that it is easier to just agree with him (be it I looked at another man when I didn’t) it is actually MUCH more peaceful to just agree with him or keep my mouth shut because either way…it’s gonna hurt more to disagree.

    Does he have a history of abuse or being abused, addictions or serious issues?
    I’ve been told he was a womanizer (even he agreed to that accusation) and spanked as a child.
    Does he ever apologize to anyone?

    How does he treat his mom?
    Adores her !!!

    Did his dad ever apologize to his mom?
    I do not think so. His dad was an alcoholic and at one point lived with a girlfriend but to my knowledge this was not apologized for; one day he wS given an ultimatum and came home.

    Does he have a godly mentor? No. He can be quoting scripture in one breath and explaining to me what good integrity and character he has then in the next breath he is cussing up a storm.

    Do you have a godly wife mentor?

    Are you able to separate the lies he tells you and not absorb them but listen to God’s Word about you?
    Yes, most times, however in separating his lies it also separates me father and father from him…because it’s as if I have to “show and agree” on the outside but on the inside parts of me are saying “break me free from this.”

    How does he get along with people at work?
    He is the boss and he has a wonderful personality with his staff…they adore him.

    Have you had godly counseling before?
    Yes, I sought counseling last year.

    What are you praying for these days?
    Gods will and for Him to give me wisdom…

    Are you safe?

    Have y’all ever separated before?
    Yes, and when we separated he attempted to go to counseling with me but met another woman and then 3 more after that. To this day, he maintains the fact that he NEVER cheated on me because I no longer lived in our home but to me I maintain that if he had continued counseling with me instead of being tempted by these other women we may have been back together a lot sooner….however that argument is NEVER agreed upon. He NEVER cheated on me and prides himself on that. So, whatever.

    Is this a first marriage for both of you?
    For me yes. Him third.

    I wish I could hug your neck!

    What did you used to do and say when you felt unloved and mistreated?
    I used to yell and scream and cry and hate my life but now I just keep my mouth shut and go to my room to read because it’s just NOT worth it…he used to cover his eRs and go “lalalala I can’t hear you” so, he is much happier if I just leave him alone and he actually will not answer his phone if he knows I’m upset because he says it wouldn’t be a fair conversation and so I have to “self soothe” and come to him when I am better and. O longer emotional. In the past if I got to where I’d yell and scream (out of complete frustration and isolation) he would take away the keys to the nice car and I’d have to drive the junk car for a couple weeks or he would take away my wedding ring. Soooo…knowing what will happen if I disagree with him, I just think that I am too controlling and emotional and go to our room and read. A few weeks ago, I lost the nice car and a week later got the keys back but still cannot drive it.

    1. Unsure,

      Goodness. What a mess. 🙁

      What does your mentor suggest you do?

      What did you learn in counseling?

      This is not ok. 🙁 It is not a healthy situation for either of you.

      When did he get physical? What happened?

      How did he treat his other two wives?

      1. Unsure,

        Goodness. What a mess. 🙁

        What does your mentor suggest you do?
        Basically, she suggests I stay focused on God and pray.

        What did you learn in counseling?
        I matured, I learned about myself and setting healthy boundaries with family, I learned that God is in love with me and with me always, I learned control of emotional and other channels to express myself rather than just laying it all out there, counseling changed my life and invited the Spirit into my heart and life.

        This is not ok. 🙁 It is not a healthy situation for either of you.

        When did he get physical? What happened?
        He used to get physical on a weekly basis, that’s why we separated. He’s not touched me since we been back together…we’ll he did pull my hair hard and my head was soar. I had turned the tv off because he hid and refused to give back to me what he took and I told him that wasn’t fair.

        How did he treat his other two wives?
        The first one was physical and over quick. The second one lasted 10 years and she was just quiet but told me that being divorced from him is the best ever and she’s free. That didn’t help me much but apparently he cheated on her, which he denies.

        1. Unsure,

          Have you, by chance, read the posts at the top of my home page?

          What did your counselor say about agreeing with things that you didn’t do and apologizing for things you didn’t do?

  9. I am not religious and the original husband in this article was not abusive, just had a bad day. But I’m sorry, some of the husbands described in the comments section, if you were friends telling me that story, I’d recommend leaving. Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn’t respect you. Especially as some of the men described are Christians who should be setting an example as the leader of the family.

    My husband has bad days, as we all do, but he ALWAYS apologises when I point it out, he doesn’t get argumentative, I am likewise, I will apologise straight away. Whilst the approach in the article worked and hopefully the husband in the article will apologise more readily in future, I am very wary of approaches that advocate passive aggressive behaviour such as being purposefully distant and answering questions with mmmm or similar. If this were my husband and I, the thing would have been resolved before he stepped out the door and we’d both have had good nights. But I guess every marriage is different and an approach for one couple won’t work with another.

    We have spent 9 years as a couple, 4 of those living together and 1 married.

  10. I know this is an old post, but I really feel the need to comment…

    Thank you so much for sharing this story, it has really been eye-opening for me. I have been feeling frustrated and at a loss for a while now. My husband and I have only been married a little over 9 months, but the honeymoon phase has long been over. I was drawn to my husband because he seemed such a chilled out, patient & positive person. We hung out a lot and I never got the vibe that he had a temper. We got married end of July 2014, and it felt awesome to be entering in to my first proper relationship. Our future looked so bright and happy. We had such fun together and I couldn’t wait to spend my life with him.

    But then things started to change. At first he had no issues with the fact that I express my love through affection, that I like to kiss and cuddle, that I desire some sort of sex-life… But then he started to tell me that he doesn’t express love through affection, that he doesn’t like cuddling or ‘making out’… He thinks it’s fine to have a quick peck on the lips maybe every other day, either when he’s leaving for work or coming back to work. We haven’t had sex since November, he says he just doesn’t have a sex drive. He tells me it’s his age (I’m in my late 20s and he’s approaching 40). He only tells me he loves me if I say it first. He never tells me I look beautiful or attractive, never pays me any compliments. It makes me feel unwanted, uncherished, and unloved. I have told him all this, but he is so stubborn, he just sad every time that he isn’t an emotional, affectionate person, and that instead he shows me he loves me by mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, looking after our vehicles. I do everything else around the house.

    My marriage is just not what I had pictured. I don’t feel I have unusually high expectations, and I don’t feel I came in to this with rose-tinted spectacles. I know that marriage is hard and that it takes effort and a lot of hard work, but it just feels like I care more than he does, that I try to cater to his needs more than he tries to cater to mine, and it just doesn’t feel like he’s putting his full effort in to our marriage.

    He has been becoming increasingly ill-tempered too. He snaps at the smallest thing. He’ll go from 1 to 100 in the blink of an eye, and we end up in screaming matches over the stupidest stuff. I just get so frustrated because he asks me a question and I tell him my answer, then he asks me again and I say “I just told you.” Then he goes red in the face and looks at me with such vehement and aggressive anger in his eyes, it literally frightens me, and he starts yelling about whatever we are talking about, and eventually when he goes quiet I let him calm for a couple of minutes then will calmly repeat my answer, and he’ll say Why didn’t I just say that in the first place, and I’ll say I did he just wasn’t listening (always a mistake!), and he blows up again, insisting I never said it, and he flies off the handle, again, over such a stupid little thing.

    We have had blow-up arguments almost every day for what feels like forever. We can be having a great start to the day, I’m in a good mood and he seems to be too, then suddenly he’ll start another argument and BAM, my day is ruined and I’m sad and annoyed for the rest of it.

    I have tried to tell him how his anger and short temper makes me feel, but he literally never apologizes for anything he does wrong (says there’s no need to!!), and he meet acknowledges how his behaviour has affected me.

    I insisted on going to see a marriage counsellor this week. He said he would do it because I wanted to, but he seemed SO reluctant, and said he would not say anything during the session because he refuses to talk about our problems with another person…! So I arranged it, and drove us there for our first 1hr session, this past Tuesday. The counsellor was awesome, and my husband came across as at least being vaguely interested in the anger management techniques she was teaching us. I found the session really great. We actually held hands and looked each other in the eye, and I saw him smile – genuinely – for the first time in a while. We got along for the rest of the day. I thought it had been a success. However, today he announced to me that we won’t be going back to that counsellor because one session a month (which we had previously agreed upon) at $100 a session, was just too much. I’m aggravated that he is unwilling to put money in to – in my eyes – save our marriage. It’s not like we can’t afford it. We have a sizeable bank balance, and both of us have above-average salaries.

    I tried to talk to him about his temper issues, asking him what brought it on as he used to be such a calm person. He says it’s because I don’t listen. Of course I refute that, because I am always eager to listen to him, lest he actually reveal anything about what is going on in his head!

    He gets frustrated though because I don’t always do things the way he would, and apparently his way is always the ‘right’ way. So I’ve had to change how I do almost everything around the home. It’s a lot to remember, and if I happen to go back to how I do something, and he catches me, he starts shouting, “How many times have I told you…” And tells me how he wants it done. I have tried explaining that my way works too, and is perfectly acceptable, and why can’t we compromise, but his answer is always just that he is older and therefore stuck in his ways, and therefore I have to bend to his way instead of the other way around. One of my best friends overheard one such conversation, and later told me that was totally inappropriate, and that just because he feels stuck in his ways, doesn’t mean he can’t learn to compromise and adapt as well.

    I am just at a loss as to what to do, and how to move forward. We are both Christians, the word divorce isn’t even in our vocabulary. We both say we are dedicated to one another for the rest of our lives. I know he loves me, he just seems to have a really tough time of expressing it (which I find weird, because his parents and sister are so loving!)… I know he’s not cheating on me – I have no doubts. I just hope we are going through some growing pains in these early months of marriage, and that things will eventually get better.

    Another thing that stresses me out is that he has a very rare and incurable lung condition that could kill him at any minute, and dramatically reduces his life expectancy (everybody else who was born with this, didn’t last more than 3 years! My DH is a living miracle, being almost 40!)… What stresses me out is that whenever ‘growing old’ comes up in our conversations, he always makes a point that a) he will die at least ten years before me because he is 10 years older (not entirely accurate!!), and b) he will die probably at least ten years before THAT, because of his life expectancy. Which always freaks me out, thinking that I could lose him in the next ten years or so, and have to live on my own. He is just so blasé about it though, and doesn’t seem to realize the stress that’s put on me. If I tell him how it makes me feel, he just shrugs his shoulders, doesn’t even make eye-contact, and just says all matter of fact, “Its just the truth.”

    Anyway, I’m going to try these things you’ve been advising… About not rising to the argument, not fighting sin with more sin. If he blows up at me, I’ll just tell him with few words how I feel, and create quiet distance between us. I wonder if he will end up apologizing to me, for the first time ever! As whenever we have fought in the past, I am always the first to seek reconciliation, and I apologize for my part in the argument, but then he never says his part! Need says he’s sorry too! It really gets my goat.

    Sometimes I wonder if this is how his parents raised him, but when I hang out with his family I never get that sense. Sometimes I feel like talkin to his mum about his temper, to ask if he’s always been like that. Do you think that’s a bad idea?

    Oh and today we argued again over something silly, and he got very irate very quickly, so I calmly said to him – in his few moments of pausing between sentencs! – to do what the counsellor advised us the other day, and take some deep breaths. But he just totally disregarded that. He clearly thinks the counselling was just a complete waste of time.

    Can somebody give me any advice further to what has already been said in the post/comments? I our relationship unusual? Should I have separation in the back of my mind, or do you think there’s potential for our marriage to work? I really pray for the latter!

    Thanks for your time,

    1. JJ,

      Goodness. What a painful situation. I am sure that this was not what you expected marriage to be like.

      What was your husband’s parents’ marriage like?

      Is it possible that he may have medical issues that are affecting his testosterone levels or libido?

      Are you dealign with any porn addiction?

      Did y’all have counseling before marriage? Were these issues addressed jointly?

      What did your husband tell you to expect about sex and affection in marriage before you were married?

      Is he having memory issues with other people, as well, or with other things?

      How is he doing with work?

      Is he taking medications that could affect his temper – like prednisone?

      Is it possible for you not to contradict him or argue with him or defend yourself when he makes a comment/statement?

      ie: when he says, “You never listen to me.” What if you said, “You feel like I don’t listen to you? That must be so frustrating. I never want you to feel that way! What could I do to help you feel more heard by me?”

      Have you tried responding in a Proverbs 15:1 way?

      I would highly suggest that you consider reading Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Kimmel and Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. Sacred Influence has several chapters about dealing with husbands with anger issues.

      I vote to let God handle your husband’s lifespan in His sovereignty. No human can know how long your husband has here on earth. My prayer is that you will see each day as a precious gift and live without regrets. None of us are guaranteed that we will live to see the sunset tonight. There is much wisdom in “numbering our days.” If he brings that up, you can say, “I would be really sad if you were gone so soon. I love being with you.” But – ultimately neither of you have control over how long he lives – God does. And God’s wisdom and sovereignty can be fully trusted, thankfully! 🙂

      I am not sure that it would be wise to talk with his mom about his temper. Your husband may feel quite betrayed and disrespected if you were to do that particularly “behind his back.”

      I don’t know that you telling him what to do when he is upset is going to go over well. You can focus on what you control. But you may have to allow him to make his own choices. We will pray for God to give you wisdom about how to respond in a Spirit-filled, God-honoring, husband-honoring way.

      Does your husband ever “extend an olive branch” to you without words after an argument?

      There are some unusual issues in your marriage, but there are also some very common issues, too.

      Much love to you!

  11. Great article.
    I have been in a relationship since almost 10months.
    He is a great guy. He loves me I know that.
    But he is very moody. He is having troubles with family and it’s effecting him a lot. He gets rude with me, says things which really hurt me.
    I have been wry patient with him. But I have a problem, I love him a lot and this is my first realtionahip. You can say I broke all my rules for him.
    I cannot think of nt being with him.
    I am concerned and worried about him and he thinks by this I am not independent and I should not be so considered. I don’t know how to help him and make him realise it’s not in my
    hands. And also how can I make him feel better.
    Did I mention he is Very MOODY. And also we don’t live together so don’t meet everyday.

    1. Sheryln,

      It’s great to meet you!

      What is your relationship with Christ?
      What is his relationship with Christ?

      What does he do and say when he is moody?

      How do you respond normally when he is in a bad mood?

      Does he have any addictions or mental health issues? Does he get violent?

      Does he have a history of violence or criminal behavior?

      Does he threaten to hurt you?

      What rules did you break for him?

      Much love to you!

  12. Is sleeping in a separate bedroom for a few days an effective way to create distance. What are effective ways to create distance?

    1. Carolyn Shy,

      It’s great to meet you! Are you able to tell me why you believe you need to create distance and what your motives are in doing so, please?

      Thank you!

      1. My husband cheated on me four years ago. He said he wanted to save the marriage. However, he continues to have inappropriate relationships with women- phone calls, text messages. I have asked him not to do it. I recently found a flirty comment on Facebook. I didn’t blow up, but I cried and asked him why he continues to hurt me. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me , but he keeps repeating these old bad habits. I read on your blog that men respond to distance and pain. I am tired of arguing and getting nowhere. I want to know if being sad and creating distance by sleeping in separate bed rooms for a few days would be an effective way to handle my situation. I am tired of trying and tired of hurting. I begged God to help me endure and remain faithful to him and my husband. I just want to retaliate and flirt like him.

        1. Carolyn Shy,

          Is he a believer in Christ?

          How is your walk with Christ?

          What does he say about why he is doing these things?

          If you have confronted him, and he refuses to repent, have you prayed about taking this to a trusted biblical counselor?

          Yes, that may be a way to communicate without arguing that you are hurt and upset. Giving him space that way may cause him to think about what he has done. Of course, only God can convict him of his sin and change him. You cannot make him change. But you can focus on being the wife God calls you to be.

          Obviously, if you repay evil with evil (Romans 12:17-21) – that will only make things much worse, even though it is very tempting to sin when we are sinned against (Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage).

          I’d like to invite you to check out these posts:

          Righteous Jealousy and Anger
          Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
          Should I Stay or Should I Go?
          Why Should I Change First?

          You may also search my home page for “flirt”

          Much love to you! I pray for God’s wisdom and for His healing and glory in your life and in your marriage!

  13. i am a third wife. We dated for eight years, and when we married I believed it was what God wanted me to do ( I prayed and asked Him) My husband had asked me to marry him 6 years before I actually committed myself to remarriage.(My one previous marriage to my children’s father was corrosive – he was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I wasn’t perfect either, He was a womanizer, yet denied me sex. I was never unfaithful to him)
    My current (2nd) husband and I both have adult children, he has four and I have two. All the children are between 22 and 31 years old. I didn’t know it, but during all the years of our dating and engagement, my current husband’s first wife, the mother of his children, lived with him; they shared a bedroom and had sex.
    When I first married my husband and moved into his home, a couple of his children lived with us. We all tried to make it work. (My children are employed and attend college, and live on their own) I tried to be friendly to his kids, respecting the fact that they are very close to their mother. Again, I’m not perfect, but his ex-wife just never let us have peace; she continually made her presence known. She wanted to boot me out and return to her home( I don’t know how much is based on love for my husband or just reclaiming her space.) My husband’s children took things from me (my husband always had me out of the house during these events), beginning with wedding gifts during our honeymoon to a very pricey diamond pendant ( a gift from my hubby) to all my clothes(later returned in a dogfood bag) to my mother’s musical teapot, which was intended for my daughter. I held my tongue, until my clothes were taken, then I requested them back. They say I accused (their favorite word) them of stealing – My friends said that to me when I vented – I never said they stole. Now they won’t talk to me. ignore me at public events, and I’m am not invited or allowed to attend their family holiday events. I want my husband to have full access to his children and all aspects of their lives. Life is short and children are precious gifts. I encourage my hubby to visit his children and attend their celebrations. But this situation is degrading and humiliating to me. We live in his small town, and I never talk about his children; it would make me look like a loser, and the town has a loyalty to this family. His first wife left him for another man she met on the internet, 20 years ago. It didn’t work out. She has had other significant long-term relationships, but always came back to my husband’ s house and his bed.. They are close facebook pals, she sends him provocative jokes and pics off the net, and they generally just converse, like about their kids & their favorite TV shows.

    I feel worthless sometimes. My own family only consists of my two children who live in other parts of the state ( everyone else is gone/dead) My church is his church. I really enjoy it, but its hard to intimately bond, with ex-wife making her relationship with my husband so public due to social media.

    They may still occasionally mess around, when I go to visit my daughter. I know he doesn’t defend me to them, I believe he goes along to get along.(plays up my negative aspects).

    He spends a great deal of time on-line. Sometimes we don’t talk about anything. Perhaps his bonding needs are shared with his ex-wife. He is very sweet to me, a good provider, and really handsome and virile. He is a very good man..

    What do you think ? Yes I pray to be a better wife and to keep my husband’s heart tender to me and that his ex would meet a NEW man of her dreams.

    I don’t have friends to discuss this matter with. Please tell me what to do. If I confront him he gets extremely angry,rarely, but sometimes, in a physical sense. I have no money, no family, and no where else to live. I do love my husband, very much. maybe God just wants me to move on,

    1. Lori,

      Oh my. 🙁

      What a mess. I cannot begin to fathom your pain. How I wish I could give you a big hug, my precious sister. If it is okay, I would like to get a better feel for what is going on before I attempt to point you to Christ and to a healthy direction.

      How long have you been married to this man?

      When did you find out about him having sex with his first wife during your dating and engagement?

      What does he say about how terribly his adult children are treating you?

      Has he ever repented for his dishonesty or his infidelity to you?

      What is his relationship with Christ as far as you can tell?

      Are there any mental illness issues, addictions, or other severe issues going on you haven’t talked about?

      What do you want in your marriage?

      What do you want in your relationship with Christ?

      Do you have any godly wife mentor or godly counselor?

      What do you believe God is calling you to do?

      Can you be a bit more specific about what he has done to you physically, please?

      Much love, my dear sister!

      Please check out, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?

    2. Lori,

      Our stories are quite similar, and I would love to connect with you more personally over email if you would be ok with that. Peacefulwife, you are authorized to give Lori my email if she would like.

      I got remarried 4 years ago to a man with 2 children from 2 different women, and I have 2 children from my first marriage. We now have 3 children together as well. My husband has been cheating on me since the week we got married, but he WILL NOT repent or even confess what he has done and continues to do. WILL NOT. I sometimes feel like it is driving me crazy, literally. I have a whole file of proof of his cheating, but he will not admit it and gets furious when I confront him.

      He hates my family and refuses to allow any of the children to see my family, including my children with my ex. I moved 2 hours away to marry him, and I know nobody here. I tried to go to church here, but the pastor literally pulled me aside at the end of the first service I went to and said that I was not welcome back. Why? Because of some issues my husband’s ex has with him, and she goes there.

      So I am socially isolated. I am not working outside of the home because we have small children, the youngest is 4 months.

      Honestly, I hate my life here most of the time although when I moved I was excited and really thought this was God’s will. But now I wonder if I misunderstood Him… how could He want me living like this? We have no money and to me it looks like we will have to file for bankruptcy. My husband keeps spending money on things we do not need with money that we do not have. Before I married him I was financially secure and responsible. Now I literally live off of my government allowances and maternity leave. It is scary. I don’t even answer the phone anymore because creditors call more often than not.

      Anyway, I would love to find a friend (Lori?) who can relate to some of my stories. I feel desperately alone most of the time…. I try to take my issues to God but I would love some human contact as well.

      I feel like I live in a toss-up between anger and sadness. I used to be such a happy person who saw the good in everyone… now I am a cynic and I don’t trust anyone.


  14. Thank you for such a practical blog! I came across your site after a few days of looking for answers in dealing with marital issues. This one hit the nail on the head and all the others I’ve looked at so far have been unbelievably helpful! Continue this good work that you’re doing! It is much appreciated!

    1. Rebecca,

      You are most welcome! I have to thank God for the honor of being able to do this ministry. This is the kind of stuff I really needed to hear 21 years ago when I first got married. 🙂

      Much love! May God be greatly glorified in your life and in your marriage. 🙂

  15. Hello there,
    I came across this post as I was looking for help. Is there anywhere I can email you for advice?
    Thanks for your time

    1. Jenny,

      I used to be available to everyone to email any time. Then, about a year and a half ago, I was spending 4-5 hours per day on emails alone. Now, the volume would be much greater – like probably over 12 hours every day of the week. I wish I could email everyone! I miss being able to do that. But I am just not able to do it anymore.

      However, I seek to be as available as possible here, on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy” and on my Peaceful Wife Blog FB and the Peaceful Women closed FB prayer group.

      Would it be possible for us to talk in one of these forums?

      Much love to you! 🙂

      1. I will try to be brief. My husband and I have been marry for 7 years, and have 4 children, all under 5. About 5 months ago we went through a difficult time. My husband had been carrying on an emotional affair with a coworker which caused him to loose his job as she file for harrasment. It took me by surprise completely, he admitted that he was ready to leave me for her if she wanted him too, and even imagined having a family with her. He said he loved her. I believe it was more of an obsession as it never carried on as more than an emotional affair. This went on for 6 months, it started the same month that our fourth child was born. Anyways, it has been 5 months, and he left for a month, but later I decided to forgive and try to save my family. He apologize as well. With all we talked, he said that he was led to seek someone else because he doesn’t feel respwcted by me or appreciated at home. I have taken steps to change for the past 4 months, and he has taken notice, he admits our marriage is much better now. My problem is that now that our marriage is better, and I am making a true effort, whenever I slip even just a little and make a working comment or rub him the wrong way, he turns so disrespectful to me. He starts saying hurtful things and raises his voices. He used to never do this, and I feel like it’s just getting worse. I try to explain that he is busting my feelings, and he says that the only way to treat me when I’m being disrespectful is by being rude and mean, and that he will do whatever he wants because he is the leader. I feel at lost when he says those things, and I’m not so sure what to do. I don’t feel much encouragement from trying to be a better wife, when I feel that he is not trying to be patient with me and gets so hot-tempered. I would appreciate any advice you can give me, thank you!

        1. Jenny,
          It is great to meet you! Congratulations on your new baby. 🙂 And goodness, I am so sorry for the pain you have both been experiencing. I believe you are in the right place, my dear sister!

          When wives begin this journey, it takes a long time for most of us to really “get” how to be genuinely respectful. There is a steep learning curve. A lot of times, husbands think respect is “simple” because they understand it and it makes total sense to them. Sometimes they may feel we are purposely being disrespectful – when we truly don’t even know we are. When a wife begins to change, sometimes her husband may think that she hasn’t changed at all just because she slipped up a little bit and he may become afraid that things are about to go back to the way they used to be. This is a pretty normal stage in the process for husbands and wives.

          Here are a few posts about this that I believe may be helpful for you:

          I’m Trying to Respect… but My Husband Is Being More Unloving Than Ever. What Is Going On!?!?

          Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive of Me As I Try to Change?

          Twenty Three Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

          Signs Your Husband Is Feeling Disrespected

          Here are some posts about the stages of the journey that may be helpful for you and maybe even for your husband, as well:

          This Journey Is a Process – by Nina Roesner

          Stages of This Journey

          The Pendulum Effect

          Why Is My Wife So Disrespectful?

          You may also want to search “conflict.”
          Much love to you!

          1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and time Peacefulwife, I read all of the articles and a few more in your website, and I find them very encouraging. I can also relate to a lot of the things you mention in your articles and I see signs that things are indeed beginning to turn around for good in my marriage since I decided to respect my husband more. I can tell you that is definitely going to take a lot of more time for our marriage to improve completely, but I’m happy to be doing it with the right tools. I will try to focus more on God, and remember that my number one reason to change and become a better wife is to please Him and do my job as a wife in His eyes. I will definitely keep coming back to your articles for reference and for strength when needed. And I will also look into buying some of the books you mention through out your articles.
            With much gratitude,

  16. Hi, i had a big argument with my husband this past weekend. We went to his co worker surprise party, the birthday girl started telling me how understanding and sweet my husband is, he is a good listener and gives her great advice.

    The problem is that he is not like that with me, he gets home, i asked how his job is and answers with okay. We exchange a few words here or there and then is time to go to sleep. He is not affectionate towards me either. I really hurt to hear he is like that with other people, i tried to talk to him about it yesterday, but he said he didn’t want to talk to me. We haven’t talked since.

    I need to know if i should give up on my marriage? I love my husband, but I feel that he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

    1. Gaby,

      Ouch. I can definitely understand that this would have been painful for a wife. I’m so glad you are reaching out for help!

      No – I don’t think that this means you need to give up on your marriage. I think it may just be time to give up your old approach. What would you think about considering a totally different approach toward thinking about your husband and your marriage? Does that sound interesting?

      Much love to you!


  17. There are times when we really do want to hear an apology when we get hurt And it does feel good to get one! But are there times when we should let things go and be gracious, and forgive, and not expect an apology? How do you discern those moments?

    1. Willa,

      The best way to discern those moments is to be as close to the Holy Spirit as possible so that you are clearly hearing His voice. Is this something you would like to talk about together a bit more?

      Much love!

      1. Hmm yes please. I do agree with what you said. But would it be possible for you to cite personal experiences wherein you are able to discern when to just let it go? Or like a standard of measurement you use to determine if this offense is ok to let go or if this offense is a real big deal? Because I think for me the difficulty is if i “feel” extra gracious then I’ll let it go and forgive. But if i don’t then no matter how petty that offense is then I’ll need you to realize what you did and apologize.

        1. Willa,

          What if we do a spiritual check up together so I can get a sense of where you are spiritually in Christ?

          Some sins are ALWAYS a big deal: infidelity, porn addiction, lying about big things, true abuse, criminal activity, murder, assault, etc…

          Some sins are smaller things – of course – sin is always destructive.

          And then there are times when our feelings are hurt but there really wasn’t a “sin” against us. It is more about our expectations.

          Would you like to talk about some examples that are hard for you to forgive?

          Much love!

          1. Oh thats a good way of categorizing it. I think i function better when i can organize it in my brain 🙂 and so yes! Sadly, i think the ones that i am finding hard to let go of are the ones that dont meet my expectations.

            And lately, its a struggle for me to extend grace. I think its because i cant settle in my mind : how can you extend grace and not tolerate bad behavior…

            I hope i make sense… I do want to forgive and be gracious and patient but how do you do it and not make it come out like youre being taken for granted..

            1. Willa,

              Would you be able to share a bit more about what is going on? Maybe that will help me have the information I need to hash through this issue better with you. 🙂

              Are you having to extend grace for sin that is unrepentant? Or is it more of a matter of expectations or personal convictions that are different?

              Much love to you!

              1. I dont think it’s sin. Like what you said earlier its more of my feelings were hurt but there really wasn’t “sin” against me. It is more about my expectations not being met. Example, if he just wants to be quiet and doesnt talk with me during our date. I feel hurt because he should be able to set aside whatever stuff he has on his mind and talk with me. i feel like he should be able to value our time together by giving his attention to me.

                Or i may feel frustrated because he’s not stepping up as a leader.

                Or he’s late for our date. He doesnt respect my time.

                Stuff like that… Yuck. I seem so shallow just looking at my list. But the hurt does feel very real when it happens. I dont know how to let go and just not be affected when these things happen. i imagine if i let it go, he might think these things dont matter to me. so i feel i have to tell him and let him know im hurting so that he wont do it again or at least be conscious that these things affect me.

                Help 🙁

              2. Willa,

                This is helpful for me to see a bit more of where you are right now. Thank you so much!

                A few more probing questions… 🙂

                1. If your expectations are not being met but he is not sinning – does that give you a “free pass” to react in sinful ways to him?

                2. How do you respond when your feelings are hurt?

                3. Is it possible that you expect him to think, feel, and act like you do? Or like a woman would? Is he “wrong” if he is not exactly like you?

                4. Is it possible that he connects in ways other than with words, face-to-face time, and emotional connection (the way many women do)? How does he connect most deeply in his mind?

                5. What do you expect of him as a leader? And why?

                6. Does he tend to run late as a habit? Does he have valid reasons for running late?

                7. What is his general personality? Is he more introverted or extroverted?

                8. Are there certain times when he is quiet? Do you believe he is being hateful? Or does he feel smothered or disrespected? Is he under a lot of stress or really exhausted? Or is that just his personality?

                9. How do you approach him and tell him when you are feeling hurt? The more detail, the better… tone of voice, exact wording, body language, etc… so I can get an accurate picture. 🙂

                Much love to you!

              3. 1. If your expectations are not being met but he is not sinning – does that give you a “free pass” to react in sinful ways to him?
                No, I guess not. But i do feel that i need him to face the consequences. which is, ungracious of me…

                2. How do you respond when your feelings are hurt?
                I’m very transparent so he will know when i’m happy and when i’m not. I keep quiet. it shows in my face and my body language. and when i talk, my tone changes to being cold.

                3. Is it possible that you expect him to think, feel, and act like you do? Or like a woman would? Is he “wrong” if he is not exactly like you?
                yes that’s possible. no, i guess it’s not wrong. and it is unfair for me to expect that from him.

                4. Is it possible that he connects in ways other than with words, face-to-face time, and emotional connection (the way many women do)? How does he connect most deeply in his mind?
                Yes thats possible. he’s quiet and to himself when he’s processing things. he’s deep in thought.

                5. What do you expect of him as a leader? And why?
                to do some form of discipleship, to direct me to Christ. Why? because that’s his role as the head.

                6. Does he tend to run late as a habit? Does he have valid reasons for running late?
                yes, it’s a habit. ugh!!! he’s always late for our dates. and whats frustrating is some days he has reasons but all those would have been avoided if he had been more conscious of time and been more responsible.

                7. What is his general personality? Is he more introverted or extroverted?

                8. Are there certain times when he is quiet? Do you believe he is being hateful? Or does he feel smothered or disrespected? Is he under a lot of stress or really exhausted? Or is that just his personality?
                Yes he’s generally quiet. No, i dont think hes being hateful but i do feel at times hes not making an effort. Majority of the time its because hes stressed or tired. But should that always be a reason?i feel at times im the one who keeps understanding him and being patient and giving way for his issues.

                9. How do you approach him and tell him when you are feeling hurt? The more detail, the better… tone of voice, exact wording, body language, etc… so I can get an accurate picture. 🙂
                since i’m transparent he will know immediately somethings wrong with me. when he asks, i tell him in a stern calm tone what im bothered about. there are times when im already really angry and i’m still stern but i get REALLY sarcastic with him. especially when he doesnt get me. I get so frustrated.

              4. Willa,
                Oops! I thought I had responded to this comment. My apologies!

                1. You CAN share your desires, needs, and concerns in a respectful way without pressuring him. i.e.: Honey, I would really love to spend some time together this weekend. I miss you when we don’t get to have a few hours together on weekends. (or 30 minutes or an hour together on a weeknight, or whatever it is you would like for him to do.)

                2. It is okay to say, “I feel sad that we can’t do X together.” Or, “I was so looking forward to getting to spend some time together. I miss you.” Or, “I feel really bummed when we don’t have time together.”

                You can say your feeling in a simple, straightforward way, and then ask for what you would like in a respectful, friendly way without insulting him, complaining, accusing him, being hateful, pressuring him, or being condescending.

                “I sure hate that we didn’t get to do X tonight. That made me feel so sad. Maybe we could do Y for a bit now?”

                Then let him answer for himself. But even if he says no, it doesn’t mean you get to sin against him. You can still respond with dignity and self-respect, as well as respect for God and for your husband. You can still have your feelings, but you don’t have to lash out at him. So even if he turns you down, you can say, “Okay. I’m disappointed. But I trust your decision/I respect your decision.” Then maybe give him some space and go spend some time with God or something that is a blessing to you and enjoy that.

                4. Perhaps you can ask him sometime when things are going well what things he most enjoys doing together to “connect.”

                5. What exactly do you think he is supposed to do to be a good leader? I have some posts that may be helpful. You are welcome to search my home page for “lead,” “leader,” “want my husband to pray with me more.”

                6. If he always runs late as a habit, maybe this isn’t really about you or his respect for you – maybe it is about something that is going on with his thinking. You can certainly say, “It would mean so much to me if you can be there at this time. I feel disrespected/unloved/sad when you are late.” But then you can also realize that this may be something you may want to consider extending grace to him about. You can ask for what you would like. But you can’t force him to change to be what you want him to be, even if you are “right” – does that make sense? The more respected he feels by you, the more respect he probably will feel for you and your feelings and the more he won’t want to let you down. But you don’t have to make the being late thing a super big deal. How late does he generally run? Does he have any mental health issues like ADD or OCD or anything?

                8. Have you ever researched about introverts and about how taxing and draining it can be for them to be around other people when they need some time to themselves? How much is he working? How much is he sleeping? How much time do you expect him to give to you each week with undivided attention? Is this realistic based on his personality and current load in life?

                9. Does the being super stern (like an angry mama) and being sarcastic make things better? Does it draw him to you or repel him away?

                Much love to you!

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