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Time to Nip That Relationship ASAP

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN TOO DEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN:

  • you get butterflies in your stomach if you know you might see him
  • you think about him often
  • you imagine what life would be like with him and daydream about him
  • you compare him to your husband (and the other guy always looks “better”)
  • you pay extra attention to your wardrobe/hair/make-up if you think you might see him that day
  • you want to  (or you actually DO) call him/text him/FB message him/email him privately
  • you really enjoy being around him
  • you find yourself wanting to hide things (or hiding things) from your husband/family/friends about your relationship and contact with this man
  • you smile constantly when he’s in the room
  • you go out of your way to try to run into him
  • you want to share big news with him before you want to tell your husband
  • you like it when he looks at you and flirts with you
  • you feel like he “really understands” you
  • you want to confide all your feelings and thoughts to him
  • you begin to depend on his emotional connection and sharing
  • you know your feelings are out of control for him
  • you “feel loved” by him
  • you feel anxiety about him

SIGNS THAT A MAN IS DANGEROUS FOR YOU:

  • your husband asks you not to talk to the guy or see him anymore (If this happens, PLEASE try to cooperate with your husband and submit to him about this!)
  • he flirts with you a lot
  • he gives you frequent compliments
  • he puts your husband down or says, “If I were your husband, I’d do X!”
  • he subtly begins to try to “control” you – to tell you how he wants you to dress, wear your hair, who you talk to or what you do
  • he demands your time and attention
  • he gets really offended if you don’t call/message/email/text/visit/respond
  • when you get nervous that things may be going too far, he pulls back and insists calmly, “We’re just friends!  Everything’s cool!”
  • he seems so interested in hearing about God and the gospel but only wants to hear about it in private and doesn’t want to talk to a man about God – only YOU.
  • he makes it clear that he intends to be with you romantically
  • he doesn’t respect your marriage
  • he tries to isolate you
  • he wants to “counsel” you or “guide” you in your life and in your marriage as if he has wisdom to offer and you are his “student.”
  • he wants you to be willing to sin to be with him or for him
  • he is telling other people about his sexual plans for you
  • he talks about sexual things with you
  • he touches you/hugs you or worse
  • he tries to get you alone and tells you nothing is wrong with your relationship with him
  • he tries to convince you that adultery is not sin in this case – you and he are the exception
  • he undermines God’s Word
  • he gets aggressive, sexual or violent with you
  • other people comment on the inappropriateness of your relationship with this man
  • gossip is spreading about you and this man

I Corinthians 6:18-20 is REALLY clear about what God desires me to do in these situations:

Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.

GUARD YOUR HEART AND MARRIAGE!!!

  • immediately cut off all contact with this man (enlist help from your husband, a godly friend, your boss, church leaders – if necessary)
  • if you work with him, try to change schedules or stores if possible so that you are not with him at all (whenever possible – if it is up to  you – try not to work with men!)
  • if you go to church with him, you may need to consider changing churches (you would have to discuss that with your husband and repent if you had sinned against your husband in any way.)
  • block him on FB
  • stop all calls/texts/emails completely – change your number and email if necessary
  • if you have to see him, tell him you can’t talk to him/be friends/have a relationship anymore – that it is not appropriate – BUT the more you try to talk, you give him more opportunities to squeeze back into your life and heart.  Sometimes it is just better to flee!
  • talk with a godly wife who can help pray with you
  • spend lots of time in God’s Word
  • seek to be sensitive to God’s Spirit and His conviction of any sin on your part
  • REPENT!  Turn from your own way to God’s way with all your heart.  This will involve repenting to God and repenting to your husband.
  • focus on Jesus being LORD of everything in your life
  • focus your energy, love, respect and attention on your husband and family

If any other wives have additional godly, helpful suggestions, you are welcome to add them!

If you didn’t read yesterday’s post “Flirting with the Enemy” – you may want to check it out!

12 thoughts on “Time to Nip That Relationship ASAP

  1. Wish I would have seen this list a year ago 🙁 emotional affairs can be just as damaging to ou marriages and wounding to our husbands as physical affairs. Trust is still broken and there’s still betrayal. The lie from the enemy is that it’s harmful because it’s not physical. Great, great post April!!

    1. Thanks for sharing, Emily. And thank you, April. I’ve just written a comment on your post Is It Wise to Be Friends With Man describing my struggle…

      After reading this post I see that I’m SO prone to lying to myself… I’m begging God for His mercy and strength to change my behavior…

      1. God’sImperfectbutLovedJewel,

        I”m so glad that you are listening to God and are willing to change your behavior. It sounds like you are on the edge of a very slippery slope. I don’t want you to fall. It would be VERY, VERY easy to fall in your situation.

        So much better to cut off the relationship with the guy and focus on Christ and your husband! Then you can have no regrets!

  2. I will admit it.. I had to end an “emotional affair” back in August when my husband found the email exchanged between the other man and I. Our marriage has been suffering for 2 years now and it got to a point where I did go elsewhere to look. Nothing happened physically but the damage was still severe. The trust in our marriage is shaky on both parts ( I will defend myself a little by saying my husband told me to go find sex elsewhere because of his issue’s he felt he couldn’t satisfy me. All I wanted was attention but he didn’t understand that, but does now). I am also dealing with a totally different emotion from all of this, when I told the other man I had to stop talking to him he just said ok. I had invested so much into him and he didn’t even attempt to “fight” for me. I know it’s better that he’s just backed out, a Godsend really, but it hurts. I now deal with the guilt of hurting my husband so badly and the broken heart this other man created. It’s a horrible horrible tangled mess.. reminds me of the saying.. “Oh what a tangled web we weave….”

  3. Shannygirl,
    I developed feelings for a guy when we’d only been married 2 years or so. It all happened very gradually. And I was feeling lonely, rejected and unloved in my marriage. NOT GOOD. THANKFULLY, this guy eventually started dating a young girl and turned his attention from me. PRAISE GOD! But I let my feelings go way overboard for that man. It was quite a wake up call for me. I NEVER want to go down that dangerous path again. I could have easily destroyed my marriage, my walk with Christ and my life. Thank you for your comments. I know how easy it is to develop feelings for other men and am very glad that you ended that relationship.

    PRAISE GOD – He is able to take even that situation and use it for His glory in your life. I am glad it did not go farther. And I pray for great healing in your marriage.

    Some helpful resources:
    “The Excellent Wife” by Margaret Peace
    “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas
    “Lies Women Believe” by Beth Moore
    John Piper’s material
    http://www.affaircare.com

  4. http://affaircare.com/2012/11/07/anger-bargaining-the-3rd-stage-of-dealing-with-an-affair/ (there are posts about each of 5 stages – might be helpful)

    A summary of the 5 stages of dealing with an affair from http://www.affaircare.com

    The trauma of discovering the betrayal of infidelity can be devastating. Trying to describe the pain is impossible, because literally nothing in the world is as emotionally painful as a betrayal of that magnitude. Although no two couples recover exactly the same, we have found generally seven stages in the healing process.

    The first stage is “Shock and Denial,” and as we mentioned it can last hours, days, or weeks.

    The second stage “Pain and Guilt” begins as the numbness wears off and is replaced with unbelievable pain.

    The third stage “Anger and Bargaining“ finds you may lashing out in irritation at those around you–and laying all the fury and condemnation for adultery on your disloyal spouse!!

    The fourth stage is “Depression, reflection and loneliness.“ Just when your friends are telling you that you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you.

    The fifth state of dealing with an affair is “The Upward Turn.” As you start to adjust to this new life–either an all new, different marriage reconciliation or an all new, different recovery as a person who is divorcing– your will start to notice you’re becoming a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly. One day you may notice for a brief moment that “you’re happy” and be utterly surprised and may feel guilty! After all your spouse had an affair! Or worse YOU had an affair and you are supposed to be miserable and sad! Slowly but surely you’ll be pulled back into the world — perhaps even against your will. But at first, it’s almost certainly going to feel like one step forward, two steps back. That’s okay.

  5. Wonderful post. I think it is important to remember to cut it off if you even notice ONE of these points – it can be the most subtle thing, like you feel that you are laughing more when you are around him than the rest of the day. It might seem a bit extreme in todays world where many women feel like they have to be “nice” to everyone, and most of us hate to loose a friend. But that friendship can turn into something more all to quickly.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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