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Why Won't My Husband Just Love Me???

If you are a wife who is feeling lonely and unloved – I feel your pain VERY DEEPLY! I pursued my husband for 15 years in our marriage and wanted his love SO MUCH! I was lonely, frustrated, angry, and felt extremely unloved at times.

Most wives are in such horrible pain and we only see our own pain – not our husbands’ pain.  We don’t realize he is just as wounded and injured as we are.  We don’t realize our own contribution to the mess and just want our husbands to be:

  • more loving
  • more plugged in
  • more kind
  • more romantic
  • more understanding
  • more sympathetic to their pain

It’s not that these desires are wrong necessarily.  The issue is when we put these desires above everything else in life.

Ideally – husbands would continue to love and pursue their wives even if we are messing things up a lot. But it would take a very Holy Spirit-filled man to react that way to a wife’s desperation/demands/hostility/control/disrespect.  Most men are NOT THERE.

God made wives to need love primarily.  God made husbands to need respect primarily.  When we are not getting what we legitimately need – we react by not meeting our spouse’s legitimate need.  THIS DOESN’T WORK!  SOMEONE has to start meeting the other person’s needs even if he/she isn’t getting his/her own needs met for a time.

Unfortunately – the way we wives usually react when we feel unloved is disrespectful. And when men feel disrespected their knee jerk reaction is unloving. So the crazy cycle begins (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).


God designed marriage with a very specific purpose (Ephesians 5:22-33) – to be a living demonstration of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church.  Husbands are to play the part of Christ loving, providing, leading, being selfless and servant-hearted.  And wives are to represent the adoration, reverence, awe, devotion and submission of the church to Jesus.

Husbands are wired by God to need respect in the most profound ways in order to feel loving.  Wives are wired by God to need love deeply in order to feel respectful.

You can’t change your husband.  You can only change your relationship with Christ and your behavior.  You can’t make him love you.  You can only influence him in a godly way.  BUT that way is VERY powerful!


To attract your husband – you have to do what works for HIM to feel attracted to you.  Giving him more and more love won’t help at all.  He doesn’t long for love the way you do.  He longs for respect, faith, admiration, trust, friendliness, your beautiful smile, and a sense that you actually LIKE him as a man and accept him as he is.

If you smother him with neediness and constant phone calls and texts and you try to demand his attention, change him or even worse – beg, cry, pout, whine, manipulate or try to force him to do what you want – HE WILL NOT DO IT. Those tactics repulse men.

Bob Grant (a marriage counselor and author) says, “No one likes to be told what to do.  But men REALLY don’t like to be told what to do.”

When we are resorting to those desperate methods to try to MAKE our men love us and MAKE them do what we want – we are actually committing idolatry. I did this FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. I didn’t see it. All I saw was, “He is unloving! He SHOULD do X, Y and Z for ME!” But I didn’t notice how I was hurting him. He never told me I was disrespectful and he never told me I hurt him. I assumed he had no feelings. And I was WRONG.


I was putting my desire to feel loved way above my desire for Christ. Any time I HAVE to have something other than Christ to be happy – that is idolatry. And there is no worse sin than that. I broke the first commandment (from the 10 commandments) all day long every day for many years – and I thought I was a great Christian.  But I was living in sin, so I didn’t have God’s power working full blast in me, and I didn’t have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.  I had grieved God’s heart and His Spirit could not stay in fellowship with me with all that filth in my soul.  I didn’t lose my relationship with Him – but I lost connection with Him and His full power in my life

I didn’t see my pride. I really believed “I know better than my husband.” “I’m smarter than he is.” “I need to take over because he WON’T MAN UP.” And so I tried to control him and I treated him with disrespect. I criticized him daily. I lectured him. I ordered him around. I told him what to do and how to do it. I rolled my eyes at him. I raised my voice and used the angry mama scolding tone with him. I didn’t pay much attention to his feelings or what he thought was important or what he wanted. If he didn’t answer me within 5 seconds, I was ANGRY. I acted like I was better than him because I really thought I was. I had MOUNTAINS of pride.

When I finally saw it – I was mortified. I thought I was such a great wife – but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking care of my husband’s legitimate and God-given need for respect. I didn’t even really know what respect or disrespect meant to a man! And I wasn’t allowing him to lead even though God designated him the leader in the marriage.

I was stressed out, lonely, angry, anxious, unforgiving, resentful, fearful and thought that I had to make things happen, that I was in charge – not God. That is how I lived – as if I were in God’s place and God barely existed.  That was all HUGE sin and the results of my sin and living in my own strength and wisdom were obvious.


I had to learn to put Christ first. He has to be my Lord and my God. I have to be willing to sacrifice MY wants, MY will, MY way, MY rights, MY wisdom, MY needs and take on God’s will, His desires, His goals, His purpose, His plan and His wisdom. I had to REALLY, REALLY humble myself hundreds of notches and be contrite before God – seeing the depths of my sin – and seeing the heights of God’s holiness and that I fell miles and miles short of His standard. I had to really see how much sin debt I owed to Jesus – that I owed Him BILLIONS of $ for my sin, not just a few hundred bucks.

I had to learn to put Him first in every area of my life and hold nothing back from Him. I had to learn to obey His Word and seek His will.

It was only when I had Jesus in the right place in my heart and took my husband, my being in control and my feeling loved off the throne of my soul that God began to work powerfully in me and my marriage. He eventually gave me the desires of my heart – to feel loved by my husband again. BUT my motive had to be to please God not to try to make my husband love me.


When my motives are right in God’s sight and I obey Him and respect my husband and cooperate with his leadership – THEN my husband is powerfully attracted to me and WANTS to love me again.

My humble attitude attracts my husband – the idea that he has valuable wisdom and insight that are important to our marriage and family is a necessary ingredient of respecting him!

I stepped down from control and allowed him to make decisions.  I tell him what I want and like and need (usually once) and then I let him make the ultimate decision and trust that God will use my husband to lead me to His will.  I don’t cooperate with sin – but everything else, I joyfully and cheerfully cooperate with my husband about.

When I seek God’s design for marriage and look at His commands for wives and am willing to obey them – God blesses me greatly in my walk with Him and my marriage!


I learned that it was actually a HUGE BLESSING that my husband refused to pursue me when I was idolizing him. If he had rewarded me by giving me what I wanted – he would have created a monster! What a blessing to have a man who will not be manipulated or coerced or forced into what we want. That is a sign of a strong leader who stands by his convictions.

I believe many wives are experiencing intense emotional pain and distress because they may have their husbands, or feelings of being loved or trying to be in control themselves as idols in their hearts. I pray you will examine your relationship with Christ and put Him in His proper place in your life and commit to do things His way. Then I think you will see miracles in time that will blow your mind.

I am here if you want to talk more! MUCH LOVE and BIG HUGS precious sisters!

Related articles

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My Demon

101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband by MintheGap

A Wife’s Power in Marriage

67 thoughts on “Why Won't My Husband Just Love Me???

    1. Please can we email eachother. This was a very good article. I never imagined the difference in a man’s world. I’m also trying to read the bible more.
      I know my guy is a good man, yet we are both living in disrespct to god. I specially idolize him. I know I do, yet is like I don’t care. I given in to sin to be with him.

      I’m very hurt right now. I’m living in insecurity.
      I have a lot of insecurities and pride.

      I I want is to love this man and be his life partner (marry him). I want to be come right with christ. And I know he can also be saved.

      Neither of us is a practicing christian. We have not summited to him.

      I’m looking forward to ur email.
      Thank your very much


  1. This post is truly insightful.

    I do have to ask though, what if there is adultery involved? Are we still to respect our husbands then, or do different rules apply?
    My email address is available and your advise is very welcomed.

    1. You can still treat your husband with respect – you don’t have to yell, cuss and throw things. You can be VERY HURT and sad and scared. You ought not trust him until he proves himself. But if you want to heal the marriage, respect will draw him back. Respect for the good things that are there, respect for the fact that he is in the position of “husband.” And respect for God’s design for marriage and for God as part of the marriage covenant. Does that make sense? You don’t EVER have to respect sin. But you can respond to his sin without sinning against him in return.

    2. OH! And, adultery and sin certainly must be confronted. But Jesus gives instructions about how to confront someone caught in sin – and about examining our own lives first and getting rid of any sin in our own “eye” first before we address our brother’s (husband’s) sin. And we confront gently, respectfully and humbly.

      Are both of the spouses involved believers in Christ?

      1. Thank you.
        I am a believer, however, I question his faith most times. He claims to believe but does not act accordingly.
        He will attend church and pray but is living in sin and enjoying it. I am at my wits end, due to this. I try to respect him but it is not from my heart, I really don’t respect him at all.

        1. Daisy,
          Husbands can definitely tell when we don’t actually respect them.
          Is he currently involved in infidelity?
          Would you like to email me about what is going on? I am not an expert. But I will be glad to pray with you and do my best to point you to CHrist and His Word and obedience to Him and we can pray together for you and your husband. 🙂
          Much love to you, my precious sister!

  2. Thank you – Your post described my position to a tee – I still struggle to see sometimes how my actions were disrespectful, when I actually thought I was doing my best to respect my husband, and felt HE was not living up to HIS part of the bargain! But after 10 years of marriage and countless fights, God is turning our marriage around, one day and one attitude at a time. It is hard for me to understand exactly what submission means. I would love to get more input on this if possible. Something in me just refuse to believe I have to just quietly move the towel from A to B if he asks me (I’m not a maid! my soul keeps objecting) but my heart is definitely changing in terms of me blaming and finding fault with everything he does. I never even realised I was doing it so often – even tho he did try to tell me before. The only time i realised this, was when I dropped my stubbornness and started to turn more willingly to the instructions God tried to get to me. And when I was willing to turn to my husband, and apologize for hurting him.. when for years I’ve been asking and blaming and demanding he apologizes to ME for not loving me… sigh. I guess you’re never too old to learn. I sincerely hope theres enough time left to change all to what God intended, and enjoy the marriage we were supposed to have.

    1. Carina,

      That sounds so much like me!

      Is the towel thing really an issue? How do your conversations usually go? I’d be glad to hash through that with you and we could talk about some possible ways to handle it if you want to. 🙂

      I pray that God might develop in you a servant’s heart – like Jesus had. Philippians 2 has such a beautiful section about the humility of Christ – taking on the very nature of a servant.

      There is so much reason to hope when your faith is in Christ alone. I can’t wait to see what God does in your heart and marriage!

      If you haven’t seen them yet, you may want to check out the posts at the top of my home page about respect, disrespect and biblical submission. You might also like my Youtube videos. My channel is “April Cassidy”. Let me know how you are doing!

      1. Luckily the towel-thing is just an example of what i heard someone said about submission before. In fact, my husband is a very gentle and soft-spoken person who totally let me have my way around the home (ironically, though it sounds like heaven to some, I miss that firm leadership hand. He did become ridiculously aggressive and violent at times when I kept on pushing about stuff that bugged me. He actually wanted to leave me a few times (not sure if he really would have) because of my “nagging” – while I just felt exasperated that he couldn’t see that he was supposed to “step up” and take authority, ignored my requests, didn’t want to spend time with me etc. I just experienced it even more as him not loving me, without realising that I wasn’t respecting him. I thought I was… little did I understand. We’ve recently been brought to a place where we both were moved by God to apologize to one another for hurting each other, and we both (without my prompting him by the way!) recommitted to love and cherish each other. I have a long way to go to learn what it means and would love to keep contact with someone who’se been down that road. Its time I stop being what *I* think is good, and start being what God thinks is good. Its not easy though, and I truely have no living example to follow. I am currently looking to meet families who do model the unity that a biblical family should have. I would greatly appreciate your input as well. From the blogs I’ve read already, it seems I have a lot to learn from you 🙂 May your blog continue blessing other women (and men it seems too) out there.

  3. I have been married for almost 3 years. I have a 2 year old son and he is the blessing of my life. The love and affection I desire from my husband and lack, I absolutely get from my little boy. He loves me so much and honestly it does help me get thru my bad days.
    I was 16 when I met my husband and he fell in love with me instantly. I had never been so adored by anyone before and I sucked it all in. My friends all wanted someone like him to treat them they way he treated me. Bought me everything even tho I never asked for anything, and always wanted to hold my hand or kiss me or just tell me how I was his dream girl.
    But eventually during our dating years I noticed how sometimes he would treat me as if he was my father. Get upset if I stayed out late with friends. If I didn’t go straight home after church to talk to him. Get upset if I spend too much money going out…. And when I would confront him about it he would get very mean. Eventually he started to call me names….so then I would threaten we would break up. And as soon as I would threaten that he would feel so bad and ask for forgiveness and say he will never do that again. I do admit I was mean sometimes to j and treated him poorly and I feel so bad when I look back on it. Fast forward- we get married and have an amazing honeymoon and then everything goes downhill after the birth of our son. I don’t understand how you can go from loving someone soooo much to literally not caring at all about them. I no longer get any affection from him. He usually calls me stupid or says that I say dumb things. That I am very annoying and call I do is nag. He try’s to tell me who to hang out with. How long to stay out. Never spend money. Stay home. And calls me other names that I probably shouldn’t say on here. I honestly can’t remember the last time he told me I was beautiful. That upsets me so much. Because I look for the attention from him and I feel like when I dont get it I want it from everyone else. He actually will critisize the way I look than tell me I look pretty.
    It’s really hard because everytime I’m out and am around couples who are married and I see the way the husband caresses their wives backs or holds their hands I feel like crying or it feels like a stab to my heart. The simplest touches that other woman don’t notice have the biggest impact on me because I wish I could have that.
    I pray god has a plan for my life. That he feels my pain. That he will change my marriage. I try to just live with the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore and to just get over myself ( something he tells me often ) and I’ll be fine. But I can’t. I can’t. Marriage is so important to me and he’s the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I want our marriage to be an example for my son and the children to come. I want to praise god together and be as one….. But he doesn’t even care.
    I’m always day dreaming of what could have been or what it could be. And then when I wake up and realize the reality that I live in. I want to hide under a table because I’m so ashamed and embarrassed of what my marriage has become. And NO ONE knows the truth. Not one person knows what my marriage is expect for God. Only he knows. Because we are very good at hiding it. I can’t imagine anyone knowing. It would kill me.

    1. Sarah,


      I am SO SO SO SO sorry for your pain. 🙁

      If it were in my power I would fix everything magically and you would both be loving, respectful and happy tonight.

      I don’t have that ability – obviously. But my heart breaks for both of you – it sounds like you are both in a lot of pain.

      Would you mind telling me a few more details, please?

      Are you both believers in Christ?

      WHat was his parents’ relationship like?
      What was your parents’ relationship like?

      It sounds to me like your husband is quite controlling. I have had experiences with some men like this. If I am reading your situation correctly – where the guy starts out SO magnetic and charming and romantic and WONDERFUL with loving words and compliments – but then it turns into criticism and control.

      I can’t fix your marriage. But – I can lift you up to the One Who can! And I can point you towards CHrist and His Word and to what you can change in your approach that might bring healing.

      I am glad to walk with you on this road. I don’t want you to be alone!!

      1. Hello peacefulwife,
        My story is similar to Sarah’s and after months of praying and fasting what was revealed to me was “reprobate mind”
        Now that is the equivalent (if not the exact same) to a sociopath. Strangely enough, this whole experience has brought me so close to God and I am actually grateful, I’m still seeking God for direction. In your opinion, what is a wife to do in this situation? All advice would be greatly appreciated.

  4. My story is pretty similar to Sarah’s. I dated my husband for five years and have been married to him for two. When I first met him, he was extremely loving and respectful and would do anything for me. Over the years, he gradually became controlling. This sounds absurd, but his behavior literally changed so slowly over such a long period of time that it never registered with me that it was a problem until it had completely enveloped who he was.

    Now he is completely suspicious of everything I do–I have obliged over these past two years to his demand that I text him everything I am doing (I attend college so I am gone during the day) as well as tell him anyone who talks to me. I tried to stand up for myself in the beginning by telling him that it is irrational to expect me to text him constantly. As well as it is irrational for him to get mad when I don’t pick up the phone the first time he calls. I also tried reassuring him that I am not doing anything wrong, and that he could trust me. But he wouldn’t listen to anything I was saying. All he could focus on is how I am “not listening to him” and disrespecting him. I tried to explain that I feel disrespected because I haven’t done anything to deserve such extreme suspicion .

    I have tried submitting to him because he is my husband, and I really want our marriage to work out and be happy like it was the first few months we were married. But honestly, it seems like the more I submit to him the more he thinks he can walk all over me.

    I try to express to him how sad I feel in our marriage and how I feel like he does not love me, but he has a hard time understanding my feelings and usually just spins the conversation to be about me and how I am not listening to him and doing everything he wants. He says once I do everything he wants, then he will start meeting my needs. I know this won’t work though because I have tried do everything his way and he is never satisfied.

    I am so lost, and heartbroken. I am so ashamed to admit it, but he is very abusive emotionally and has been physically abusive on a few occasions. I have bottled everything up for so long that when he calls me a name or yells at me for something I become so angry that I end up screaming back at him. I know this is a horrible way to respond and I am sure that this triggers him to hit me, but I am at such a lost for what to do, and so upset that he has taken such advantage of my normally passive, peaceful behavior.

    I pray to God that he will give me the wisdom of how to respond in these tough situations and that he will please stop my husband from saying and doing such hurtful things. My husband is Catholic, but he does not attend church regularly like I do because he works so much. I try to show him unconditional love, but I have been doing such a bad job of it lately because I am so tired of everything. I am tired of not knowing what to do. I am tired of feeling sad and scared. This is so embarrasing but my life is so overwhelming with school, work, and worry about my marriage that at times I hurt so bad that I nearly fantasize about no longer being alive.

    Nobody knows this about me or how bad my marriage is because I am so ashamed. I just want to feel like a normal person again.

    1. Heather,
      Having a controlling his and like that would be extremely difficult. 🙁

      A few books that might be helpful
      Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas
      The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace (but at the end, I believe she is too disrespectful when describing how to confront sin)

      Are you safe?

      What was his parents marriage like?
      What was your parents’ marriage like?

  5. So happy to see I am not the only one. I believe God is using our marriage for growth. But the growth is painful and slow. We are terrible in conflict and can end up not talking for days. My husband has articulated that he feels disrespected. I have prayed and sought God to help me. I am still making many mistakes and sometimes don’t even really get the whole respect thing. My husband does not provide for the family and this often annoys me and makes me critical and resentful.
    Lately I (finally) realised that I need to let Christ be my all again and stop looking to my husband. There are days when I forget this, feel rejected and hurt and then react badly. I do feel that my 5 year marriage has interfered with my relationship to Jesus. I so badly want again to walk in the Spirit.
    We went for counselling. A Christian counsellor but it was awful. I wanted to go for different counselling even to a secular counsellor since I thought we needed help with our marriage and not our faith. But after I read your blog I realised (big time) that if our faith was truly being lived in obedience we would have a better marriage.
    I am asking God to show me my faults, and to help me to understand my husband better.
    I believe my husband has leadership qualities and is committed to this but I believe he is battle weary.
    I am believing God, but trust me there are many days when I wish I wasn’t married! If we weren’t both Christians it would probably already have ended.

    Emotional pain is horrible and an awful thing. It can darken my thoughts and get in my way of praying and really listening to God. Then of course healing and forgiveness takes longer as I am carnal and not letting Gods spirit direct me. At times like this I pray Gods blood over our marriage.

    Sorry for going on and on
    In Christ (and blessed:) )

    1. Shivers,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂
      I can completely relate to you. Your story reminds me so much of my own!

      There is every reason for hope in Christ and His Word. I believe you will find inspiration, encouragement and truth here that you can apply to your life and marriage and I believe God will honor your desire to follow His design and seek Him first above everything else.
      God doesn’t promise us that our husbands will love us more when we obey His Word for us as wives, but God will change US! And eventually, God usually changes the husbands, too.

      Check out the posts at the top of my home page on disrespect, respect, respect and sexual attraction and biblical submission. I’m here if you want to talk!

  6. Many women walk through our doors not only looking to fix their bodies, but also to find love or rekindle love they once had. Historically, women have longed for the moment that men tell them, “I love you.” However, the sophisticated woman knows that I love you is nothing more than an empty promise if the actions don’t say it constantly.

    As great communicators, women can often successfully communicate their needs to their partners. Whether it’s as simple asking for their man to take the garbage out, or more complicated, like asking him to give less attention to other women, the ladies can often articulate what they want and need. When these requests are ignored, even if the three magic words have been said, it doesn’t feel like love at all. When our needs are met and we feel heard, that feels like love. The loving actions that show us rather than tell us, making us feel respected and cared for, those actions mean love more than any words could ever convey.

    Some men can never get the words out, but demonstrate those three little words of love with so many things they do. Surprising their wife with flowers on a Friday night, buying tickets to someone’s favorite show, or even unexpectedly cleaning the kitchen. When your man is praising your intellect, skills set, parenting, and patting you on the back, making you feel appreciated, and if you’re lucky, even feel adored…

    That’s love.

  7. The only problem I ever see with these issues is that it is always, always, ALWAYS, the WOMAN who is trying to fix the marriage.

    However, spiritually, that is out of whack. Men are called to lead, love, and be the head…..therefore, it is THEIR responsibility, as part of their leadership, headship, and call to LOVE THEIR WIVES, to initiate, and put right what is wrong in the family/marriage.

    Jesus Christ did not recoil and pull away from need in those who reached out to him. He responded and looked upon them with “compassion”

    So, as much as I hear what you’re saying- and you do make some valid points here – I think the majority of advice given (which is almost exclusively women giving the advice) is starting in the wrong place.

    1. Margie,

      I only write for women. So I only talk about what women have control over – themselves. 🙂

      Absolutely men have huge responsibility and are to be godly, loving, selfless, humble leaders.

    2. Margie,

      Your assertion that it’s “always, always, always the woman who is trying to fix the marriage” is just plain wrong. I’m a Christian man who is trying to find ways to “fix” or allow god to heal my marriage. My wife seems to care-a-less and if wholly focused on her own self-interest and if something requires her to take responsibility for her actions, then that’s not going to happen.

      Sill, I pray for her daily asking God that she will someday make many of the same discoveries that many of the ladies on this blog have made. I do what I can from my side of the fence – constantly looking at myself for improvements I need to be making all the while feeling very alone in my efforts. Reading this blog is interesting because often times the challenges that these ladies face are often the same ones I run into with the roles reversed.

      It’s my observation that most often martial problems are indeed mostly in one camp or the other. And I’m sure from your world view it’s almost always the man who has the “majority of the issues”… but I can guarantee that in fact is NOT always the case. I could write a book on the challenges I’ve been through in 15 years of marriage.

      1. BenAustral,

        I have heard from MANY, MANY husbands who are in the same situation you are. There is so much pain in marriage today – on both sides. How I pray for God to heal our hearts and marriages and open our eyes to His ways and His wisdom, that He might heal us and that we might all greatly glorify Him!

        Praying for your marriage, BenAustral, and for yours, Margie! 🙂

  8. That was the best article Ive ever read. You are a very wise woman. I wish I had known all the things you discussed when I first married, our lives and marriage would have been so different. Thank you so much for writing this – I know God led me here.

  9. What if my husband is not a believer, and feels he has fallen out of love with me. He is unsure if he wants to continue in this marriage. Can God heal his heart and bring him back to me?

    1. Susie,
      God ABSOLUTELY can heal his heart and bring him back. But there are no guarantees for you about that.

      I Corinthians 6 and 7 would be helpful, I believe.

      And I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s prescription for wives whose husbands are disobedient to the Word.

      The main thing is to seek Christ with all your heart – to seek to obey and please Him yourself and to ask God to change YOU to be the godly wife He desires you to be. Then we will pray together that God will work in your husband’s heart and bring him to Jesus.

  10. What do I do if my husband says he never loved me? It’s a long story but the short version is that we got married do quickly because of his immigration status. I fell in love with him. He says he thought love would grow. Now it’s been two years and he feels he needs to separate to decide what he wants. It’s killing me.

    1. Coriena,

      Goodness! I am so sorry to hear about what a difficult situation you are in!

      Is there someone else in his life? Another woman?

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      Are you still living together right now?

      How has the marriage been the past two years?

      1. There is no other woman. Our relationship has been quite good unless recently. I am a Christian but he is not. He is very open and believes in God. He is from the Dominican Republic. When we got married we rushed things because if his immigration status. He had two boys there that we are trying to bring here.

        When he came to the US I do not think he was prepared for how hard it would be. He is kind and respectful. He is always very clear that his feelings have more to do with the pain of his isolated past and not really anything I can do to change it.

        I think it is very important that you know that I believe he wants to feel different. I know it hurts him to see me hurting. I think my needing him even puts more pressure on him so he thinks the solution is temporary separation so he can deal with his issues.

        1. Coriena,

          Well, it sounds like you have a lot to work with here! That is GOOD!

          How do you talk to him? What tone of voice, what words, what facial expressions?

          What do you say to him when he talks about wanting to separate?

          Do you try to force him to stay?

          Let’s talk about ways you could draw him to you instead of repelling him.

          A great place to start would be some of the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.

          With much love,

          1. Initially I know I was very needed and used guilt and manipulation. God and I have been on a journey. I know I struggling with fear of rejection so I know I have smothered him. I also know that relationships have been an idol for me as well.

            I am going to focus on the respect. I think I have always taken a very masculine controlling role because I tend to seek relationships where I am the rescuer. I never learned how to be a woman. I joined a mentoring group at my new church with the hope that I will learn that from some mature godly women.

            Your blog gives me hope that I desperately need.

  11. Actually, I don’t think it’s as much a matter of being “Very Holy Spirit-Filled” as much as it is a matter of emotional maturity deficits that result from unhealthy things men were taught about what it means to be a man (i.e. “uncommunicative” or “strong and silent”). Also, and I think of greater importance, God has given the husband certain instructions that have to do with initiating or leading, so I also think there is some difference in the way men in general understand God as one who has given them an order. I don’t mean to sound mean or terribly cut and dried, but I’ve worked in “male-dominated” professions for 15 years and I know that they already have an authority structure in their mentality, so when I talk of God as their commander in chief so to speak, it shouldn’t be a problem to grasp or conceive of that analogy being applicable here. If a man really does have his own relationship with God, and claims him as Lord, why does he not obey what God has commanded and basically REFUSE to solve the problem at hand?

    My husband came to me one day OUT OF NOWHERE and said, “I need to tell you something”; so I moved to another room away from the kids, and he said, “I’ve been disobedient. I know you’re told how to win me anyway in the Word, but I thought about, like, what about my not creating that situation where you have to motivate me to do what I should be doing anyway toward God first? I’m sorry and I want another chance–just be patient though.” and he walked out real quick like (and because I know him, it was to further process what he himself just said because there was an element of awkward).

    I just think one thing to be careful of as wives is to not get so caught up in the “revelation” of how men interpret things that we forget the inaccurate reasons (sometimes) that they interpret them thusly. Feelings are huge, but feelings are not always reliable. In our Marriage and Family core studies we had to read many books that were not on the required reading list two years ago, like Dr Mary Polce-Lynch’s Boy Talk, for example. The research has continually confirmed a need for greater attention to equipping boys with emotional expression skills, accomplishing this, it will be one reason why they will be able to avoid manifesting a lot of the pure childishness that we see in a lot of men today who are definitely grown but are not necessarily adult. I am not AT ALL suggesting that we regale them with our insights into the very real impact of ineffective manhood models that have nothing to do with God, but maybe this will go some way toward a new generation understanding how to raise boys into men who are fully qualified for marriage to begin with.

  12. Hello, my husband and I have only been married for a little over a year. It’s been the toughest year. I’ve felt very unloved. Your words hit me because I do think u was wanting to feel loved so bad I wasn’t putting Christ first. We are currently separated, I filed for divorce. He already signed and it seems as if he doesn’t care. I’m still in a battle as to if I should go through the divorce. I’m much more peaceful without him. I’m happier. He doesn’t care so why should I? There’s just that little piece of me that tells me to hold on, a small part of me, but that small part is killing me. I’m a believer and know that God hates divorce, I think that’s the only thing that holds me back. I don’t want to make a wrong choice, but I don’t want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care or that’s willing to do anything to try to get me back.

    1. Evelyn,

      I am so sorry for your pain!
      Can you tell me about the problems you have had? Why did you feel unloved? Is he feeling respected by you? What kinds of issues were you having?

      IS he a believer in Christ?

      Check out my post “I Want a Divorce.” and “I Don’t Feel Loved.” YOu may also want to check out some of the posts at the top of my home page. I pray for God to give you His wisdom my precious sister! I pray for His will and His glory in your life and marriage!

  13. I don’t understand. I’m not perfect, but I am very polite and kind and respectful of my husband. I build him up and try to stay positive but I am still invisible to him. I work to stay youthful and attractive but is so emotionally distant. I’ve only been married for two years. I get a lot of attention from other men; and I quickly brush them off. It makes me so frustrated and hurt because I don’t want attention from other men. I want attention from my husband. I’ve tried showering him with praise and I’ve tried keeping my distance. On the rare occasion that he does want sex, there’s little to no foreplay, and it’s the same order of events every time. Then I wait around for the next time he decides he wants me. Then I feel used. He’s not blatantly mean to me. And he’ll talk to me about his accomplishments and what’s going on in his life. He likes to buy me things sometimes. He likes to makes jokes with me but there’s still this huge wall and level of disconnect. He rarely shows vulnerability. He never wants to show any kind of serious emotion with me. Sometimes he jokes too much and can’t take ANYTHING seriously. He’s most certainly NOT gay. He’s almost a homophobic (which I try to calmly discourage him from judging). Sometimes I think he’s got low testosterone because he is really moody and snaps at me unexpectedly. He gets super stressed really easily. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He’s absolutely not the romantic type. He’s not a bad guy but I just feel he doesn’t really ever “want” me. He ignores me sometimes. Even when we go out, he doesn’t really pay me that much attention. We’ve been to counseling. I just don’t know what to think or do. Now I’m just rambling.

    1. mattiebabette,

      It is wonderful to meet you!

      There are many reasons that a husband may be emotionally disconnected.

      1. Does he have any mental illnesses, is he on any medications?

      2. Does he have a history of being abused?

      3. What was his parents’ marriage like?

      4. What was your parents’ marriage like?

      5. Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      6. What is your relationship with Christ?

      7. What did he treat you like when you were courting?

      8. Has his personality changed at some point? If so, when?

      9. Check out the posts at the top of my page about disrespect and respect and see if he could be feeling disrespected.

        1. Anon,

          Yes! I absolutely do think our relationship with Christ should be addressed first.

          The Answer to All of Our Marriage Problems
          Contentment Comes from Having Christ as Lord of our Lives
          The Idol of Happiness
          My Level of Respect for My Husband Has Nothing to Do with Him

          I have tons and tons of posts about that this journey to become a godly wife is all about our walk with Christ, and really not much at all about our husbands. I’ll take a look at this post again to make sure it is not saying that our relationship with our husband comes first, because I never ever want to imply that at all.

          Much love!


          1. Unfortunely, it very much depends on your husband and exactly who you married. I am now divorced after 13 years of marriage and 7 children. I have learned to forgive fast in a marriage, stay positive, love jesus but also decide to let go of your husband. Do not try to control him in any way, love yourself unconditionally sins and all and love your husband the same way. Put boundaries up, sorry Jesus did not buy me from satan to give to my husband to throw around and abuse me. Make clear you are a daughter of a powerful God and your husband should treat you that way. Pray for husband but love yourself enough to kick them out. It only gets better when you draw your line in the sand and back it up!! I love my husband but relationship between man and woman are equal we both should agree. It looks like to me that some woman are setting a really bad example to take mistreatment from their spouse to their children. I know because I had an abusive husband, I should have got Jesus in my heart and know that God has the BEST for me not the worst. My children have gone through hell from this and it is terrible to watch when now I know I had the power to change it. You can not undo things that happen and as a mother it is devastating. All I do now is believe Jesus paid the price of sin on the cross and forgave me but better it does not happen and DO NOT bury your head in the sand. Deal with it now the best you can. As for me I talk to my ex every half a year or so when he sees the kids for a day and I love him for that day but he is still abusive physically and emotionally so every 6 months is enough.

            1. Michelle,

              If a husband is truly abusive, there is a responsibility for a wife to try to safely leave with her children. I don’t want to see anyone abused! I’m so sorry to hear about what your family has been through. 🙁

              I have a number of posts about abuse. Women in such situations will need very specialized one-one-one help. I’m glad you are safe. And I am glad you are able to forgive. Bitterness is so very toxic. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story! How I long for no one to ever be abused or to experience such a nightmare.

              Do I Condone Abuse?

              Where Do Hatred, Rage, and Violence Have in a Christian Marriage?

  14. Hi April, I’m so glad I typed why my husband can’t love me on Google and found you. You might not realize how God has used your broken heart to comfort other women. How can you understand unless you were there. You are a blessing to me and others that want biblical based answers. God bless you.

    1. Carine,
      You are most welcome!!

      I hope you will find great encouragement here, truth and the power of God for your life, healing for your marriage and the most incredible walk with Jesus that brings great glory to His Name. 🙂

  15. Me and my husband have been together almost 6 years and married less than one. When we first met everything was going wonderful, minus that we lives 550 miles away from each other. He had a son from a previous marriage so he asked me to move so he could stay close to his son which I completely understand. I left all of my family and friends which was very hard for me. I knew nobody and had no job. When I moved it was the worst time for the job market and it took me 2 years to find a job. His family loves his ex wife and can’t stand me. I found out he wasn’t quite divorced 2 years after moving and at the same time I had found out he cheated. We worked through it and I stayed here. We have had ups and downs trying to trust again and I feel as though I will never measure up to his ex since he didn’t want the divorce in the beginning and she asked for the divorce. It has created a lot of heart ache and many fights. We are now married and things had been going good up until recently I know I’m in the wrong for not showing as much respect as I should but I haven’t felt loved or wanted or appreciated in a very long time. I miss family and friends. I have nobody around but him. I am at a cross roads and could use some guidance and prayer

    1. Amanda3113,


      What a miserable situation. 🙁

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      Do you have a Bible-teaching church?

      Do you have a godly mentoring wife?

      What does he want to do now?

      What does he say he needs?

      How are things going between you?

      What do you believe you need to be happy?

      Much love and a BIG HUG to you my precious girl!

  16. I feel like a such a fool. How could i have not seen it before…. the sin part. How did you start changing with your husband? Did it take to long for him to come back? What did you do to heal your relationship with God?

  17. Hi I just started looking for godly advice online and found this site. I am at my wits end. I have been married for 10yrs. and it is not either of ours first marriage. I feel my husband must hate me hate me he seems to never have any positive things to say about me or to me. He seems angry all of the time to the point I am afraid to travel with him anymore because of his anger in the car to me, the other drivers and once we get somewhere. He seems to be so loving and kind to his friends and all other women but me. He doesn’t want to talk to me but yet he goes to church and talks to several woman for several minutes and will hug men and woman alike but wont touch me even with a hand touch. I want to die some day’s to get away from this pain. I live very far away from my children so the option of moving away would be too hard. Any advice?

    1. Gloria,

      My heart breaks for your pain!!!! I wish I could hug your neck!

      Would you want to talk about what exactly your husband says to you? Maybe we can hash through some things together?

      And, how do you respond when he is angry and unloving?

      I invite you to check out the posts at the top of my home page. That is a great place to start!!!

      Much love

  18. You are so wrong. I give my all. I praise my husband and uplift him everyday and he continues to insult and belittle me. I move on by handing it to God or I could well be accused of being an ungrateful nagging wife. I try and live by the very word of God. I praise the Lord and give him glory everyday and ask that he would help me to be more like Jesus. Lady, you are so removed from reality. MY friends husbands cheat on them wether (so called) Christians or not. Men are not of God. They live according to there own selfish flesh eating desires. You hear of pastors from outreach churches turning gay! and priest molesting innocent children. Men are typically wired up like Satan and thats all there is to it…

    1. Bella,

      My dear sister! It is a pleasure to meet you. 🙂

      I am so very, very sorry to hear what is happening in your marriage. There are times when a wife does everything “right” and her husband is far from God and he continues on in sin. We are not responsible for our husband’s sin. Only for our obedience to God. Our obedience can make it easier for our husbands to obey God. But sometimes the will choose to do the wrong thing. That is not a wife’s fault. Not at all.

      I’m glad that you are trusting God. That is wonderful. I praise Him for that!

      I can hear the deep pain in your words. And I can definitely feel the anger and bitterness that you have from your experiences – and my heart just breaks for you.

      Some men do terrible, horrible things. You are absolutely right.

      So do some women.

      Men are sinners. Women are sinners. We are all wretched sinners apart from Christ. We are all capable of such evil on our own. We are all completely desperate for Jesus and His work on the cross. None of us have any good on our own.

      I pray for healing for you, my friend. I pray for God to draw you and your husband to Himself and that He might transform you both to be more and more like Christ for His greatest glory.

      I pray for the hurt that is in your heart and all the pain and the feelings of bitterness toward men – that God might help you to find freedom from that weight.

      Much love to you!

      Are Women Spiritually/Morally Superior to Men?

      1. I found this thread after finishing 10 weeks of marriage counciling during which my husband told the councilor that he wasn’t prepared to change himself at all and that problems in our marriage are entirely my fault. We have two small children together but i don’t know how I can stand to live in a loveless marriage for more years than I have. His father was verbally and emotionally abusive to his mother but she stayed until the kids were grown. He thinks I should do the same. We hardly talk, sleep in separate rooms and this is not what I want my daughters to see of marriage. We model ourselves on our parents and I don’t want them to settle for a man who is incapable of seeing his own faults or giving love. I have a balloon of sadness inside myself every day. To live like this is too much misery. To choose divorce might be giving up but I feel now that I cannot keep giving to a man who is stone without affecting the future lives of my daughters. Is it worse to show an acceptance of ungodly behaviour from a husband to our children or to walk away and show strength. I am lost in it all.

        1. Sophie,

          There are very, very few times when one spouse is totally at fault. Generally, there is enough blame to go around. Our power is when we focus on what we can change. The problem is that we can’t change our spouses. We can ask for what we need, but if we try to force them to change, things usually get even uglier.

          I would love to see you both be willing to work on yourself. But – even if he is not willing to work on himself, you can focus on your walk with Christ and on becoming the woman He calls you to be.

          What does your counselor suggest to you?

          There can be times separation can be necessary. I don’t hear you talking about abuse. Just from what you are describing, I have seen many women focus on themselves and God and have seen a lot of marriages experience quite a bit of healing that sounded very similar to your situation.

          When I started this journey -Greg was barely speaking to me, barely looking at me, and barely touching me. God radically changed me first. Then, in time, He began to change Greg.

          Do either of you have a relationship with Christ?

          What things do you have control over?

          I beg you not to look into divorce right now – but to seek to develop your walk with Christ and then to allow Him to work in your life and we will trust Him to work in your husband’s life. God is able to change people. We cannot change them, though.

          I am not sure that your definition of strength is the same definition that I would have.

          Please check out these posts:

          what does it mean to be an ungodly woman?

          Godly Femininity (and there is a part 2).

          What does your husband say he needs?

          Are you treating him with respect and honor? Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect. Many times, when one spouse begins to change to obey God’s Word for us in marriage, healing comes in time to both.

          I want to see you feeling genuinely loved and cherished. And I want to see your husband feeling genuinely respected. Right now, is it possible you may both be hurting each other? If one of you stops this crazy cycle (As Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes it in Love and Respect), and begins to meet the other’s needs even if your own are not being met, healing may eventually start.

          Much love to you!!!!!

          1. Sophie,


            You may also want to check out my “about” story at the top of my home page. Many times we women don’t realize that we are hurting our men. I had no idea that the way I was treating Greg upset him. He never said one word to me about what I did that was a problem. He just shut down and went totally passive. I felt so unloved. I prayed for years, begging God to change Greg. Then – God showed me my disrespect and how controlling I had been. YIKES!! I thought I had been the best Christian wife ever! What a shock to discover that instead of an A+ on my “Christian wife report card,” I had about a D minus. 🙁

            As I stopped the disrespect and control and got rid of my pride, resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, self-righteousness, negativity, critical spirit, condemnation, gossip, etc… my sinful mess… I began to experience God’s peace and joy as His Spirit filled my soul. It was the most amazing thing ever! Instead of being stressed, worried, anxious, and afraid all the time. I began to learn to trust God’s sovereignty and rest in His love. He took out the yucky stuff and replaced it with good things. Even if Greg never changed, it would have been totally worth it to be so much closer to God and to be full of His joy and peace every day.

            That is what I long for you to find! 🙂

            It took 3.5 YEARS before my husband felt safe with me again. He had faults, too. And God began to convict him of his sin AFTER I got out of God’s way in my husband’s life. I Peter 3:1-6 is God’s directives to wives whose husbands are far from Him.

            Also, you may want to check out the Bible and Divorce.

            Please keep in mind that divorce doesn’t bring contentment, peace, and joy. Jesus does!!!!!! 🙂

  19. I pray daily for my marriage. My husband has cheated and wants to work it out. I want to buy there is so much pain and anger. I want to give way to gods design but infidelity wasn’t part of my plan.

    1. Sindi,

      How my heart breaks for the pain you are experiencing! 🙁

      When did this happen, my sweet sister?

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Are y’all receiving counseling at all?

      Do you believe he is trustworthy and transparent and is he willing to rebuild trust?

      How are you dealing with your anger?

      Much love to you! Sending you the biggest hug!

    1. Raquelle16,

      That is an awesome question! There are some posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect that may be a good place to start. You can also search my home page search bar for “respect” and also for the terms:
      – control
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – lead
      – leader

      Those are often good places to get started. If you want to talk about what is going on, I’m glad to talk any time. Much love to you! It’s fantastic to meet you! 🙂

  20. Thank you so much for posting this! I hit my ultimate low tonight. I felt so lonely and hurt and I really didn’t know what else to do but cry. For some reason I decided to look up advice and your blog popped up! God bless you, sister. This really opened my eyes.

  21. This was a very good article. I never imagined the difference in a man’s world. I’m also trying to read the bible more.
    I know my guy is a good man, yet we are both living in disrespct to god. I specially idolize him. I know I do, yet is like I don’t care. I given in to sin to be with him.

    I’m very hurt right now. I’m living in insecurity.
    I have a lot of insecurities and pride.

    I I want is to love this man and be his life partner (marry him). I want to be come right with christ. And I know he can also be saved.

    Neither of us is a practicing christian. We have not summited to him.

    I’m looking forward to ur email.
    Thank your very much


    1. Daisy,

      I was totally clueless about the whole world of masculinity until 7 years ago myself – when I was 36 years old!??!

      I have some posts that may be a blessing, if you are interested. You may want to search my home page for:

      – idol
      – idols
      – idolatry
      – insecurity
      – needy
      – security
      – contentment

      Why Should I Trust God? Why Should I Submit to His Lordship?

      Here is a post about how you can know if you are ready to be a godly wife.

      And here are two posts about red flags to look for in a relationship before marriage.

      Red Flags Part 1
      Red Flags Part 2

      I have so many posts that I believe will be a blessing to you.

      Here is one about how to receive Christ as your Savior and Lord and have a real relationship with Him.

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, my friend!

      Much love,

  22. Your article was thought provoking. However, my issues are a little deeper. I have stayed with my husband through his numerous legal and financial troubles. I have bent over backwards for him and he still does things that he knows hurts me.
    I have wondered why God has allowed this to occur without conviction or repentence on his part. My faith is shattered. How can I pray and believe a God who allows me to be faithful but my husband to be frivolous. I am not receiving back what I have sown. And what’s worse is that I am at the lowest part of my life with a job loss, bad credit (bc I have tried to assist my husband), no direction. My “reward” is a “husband” who pursues other women via text and doesn’t pursue me. I am worse now than I was before marriage emotionally, financially, and most of all spiritually.
    My marriage feels like punishment. I am broken by God and by him and I don’t know or understand why; especially when it was prophesied to us on various occasions that we were to be married. Now what am I supposed to believe?

    1. J,

      My precious sister! Please keep in mind that God doesn’t cause anyone to sin – and that your husband will either pay for his sins against you in hell for all eternity, or he will repent and turn away from his sin and Jesus’ blood will pay for it.

      It is not a matter of that God wants him to act like this. God hates all sin. God will hold him accountable. Your husband has free will, just like you do. When people have free will, sometimes they choose to love and obey God and other times, they choose to rebel against Him and sin against Him and others. Sin always hurts those around us deeply. It hurts ourselves. And it grieves God’s heart terribly.

      I’m concerned about your view of God and His character. I think there are some repairs to your understanding that may need to be done so that you can move forward with a healthy view and a biblical view of God.

      When you walk in obedience, you will be rewarded in heaven, my precious sister. The reward is not always on this earth.

      If your husband is involved with other women, or there are other unrepentant sins – I would encourage you to seek a godly, trusted counselor. There can be times separation can be necessary. Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

      What do you desire to have in your walk with Christ?

      How do you believe you can be right with God?

      What are your expectations if you abide in Christ and obey God?

      Is it possible you may be bitter at God?

      Much love to you! I’d be glad to help you hash through these tough issues and will do my best to point you to Christ. 🙂 Sending you a huge hug!

  23. I really needed this! I believe God lead me to your article. The truth is, I’ve never had a man in my life that was respectable. I am married now to a good man, we are in the Church, both filled with The Holy Ghost, and yet there is no peace between us. I would like to give more details but wold prefer to do so privately. I would love to hear any advice you may have. I realize that this was written years ago so if you still receive these comments and are willing to email please do. If i dont hear from you, thank you for sharing your story!

    1. Mari,

      Well, that is true. There is no perfect man who always deserves respect for every motive, thought, word, and deed. Kind of like there is no perfect woman who always deserves love for every thought, motive, word, and deed. But praise God for grace! He lavishes things on us that Jesus deserves, but we do not. And then we can do the same for others – giving them what God deserves because we love Christ, even when people are undeserving. Of course, that doesn’t mean we respect or love sin.

      Much love!

  24. I cannot thank you enough for saying this. I had no idea I needed to hear it. Earlier this week, my husband said he wanted to separate. He’s working long-distance and this whole summer has been rough on us financially and in our relationship. He’s been having a pretty good time out there, too, and is seeing life beyond me and our kids. He finally agreed to work things out, but then told his mom and another friend of ours that even though he agreed to it, he has doubts about it and didn’t really want to. But he’s still willing, so that’s something!

    I found this after searching for ways to make him love me and be attracted to me again. I didn’t expect this. I’m very humbled and am finally seeing where I really did have a hand in getting us to this point in our marriage. I thought I was a good wife, but I’ve been idolizing him, doubting his decisions, involving our parents in our problems (I know, that’s really bad) and not trusting him to lead the family (I thought I was, but I wasn’t). So thank you. I know what I need to do now. I hope that you and anyone reading this prays for our marriage to be restored, that both of us will do the right thing. Thank you.

    1. AnonMom,

      I am so very sorry to hear that things have been so very painful – especially this week. 🙁 Sending you the biggest hug!

      I have a number of posts that may be helpful – and I am here if you want to talk. Praying for God’s healing for you both! I am also glad to do a “spiritual check up” with you if you are interested. I want to be sure you are as strong as possible in Christ so that you can respond in His wisdom and power and hear His voice clearly about how to handle difficult situations, my sweet sister. 🙂

      I invite you to search my home page for:

      – When Your Husband Says I’m Done
      – Should I Stay or Should I Go?
      – Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected
      – What Is Respect in Marriage?
      – Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced
      – Godly Femininity
      – Husband Idol
      – Fear
      – Bitterness
      – Control

      Much love to you, my precious sister! I am encouraged as I see you are obviously seeking God first and open to listening to His leadership in your heart. That is always a great sign to me that God is about to do something amazing in a wife’s life! 🙂

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