Woman speaking into a megaphone standing outside in a street with white buildings behind her

A lot of people think that being a Christian wife means you can’t ever talk and you have to just smile and be fake. Always pretend you agree with your husband.

This is just beyond tragic, to me.

Let’s dig into this issue to discover if there is any truth behind it, and even more importantly, how we are to use our words as women who love Jesus.

(Please don’t take my word for anything, but compare anything I say, or anyone else says, to the Bible.)

No Follower of Jesus Christ Is to Use Words That Dishonor God

There are times, for all believers in Christ, when the Lord desires us to refrain from speaking certain things. He doesn’t want us to dishonor Him or hurt other people.

All of us are to have our tongues under the reins of the Holy Spirit. The goal is not to be fake but to die to our own sinful nature and to live in the power of the Holy Spirit, seeking God’s holy desires.

Sinful things should not be on our lips like:

  • Gossip (Prov. 16:28, 2 Cor. 12:20, 1 Tim. 5:13)
  • Insults (James 4:11)- Quarreling (2 Cor. 12:20)
  • Complaining (Phil. 2:14-15)
  • Careless words (Matt 12:36)
  • Being argumentative/contentious
  • Slander (2 Cor. 12:20)- Rudeness (1 Cor. 13:4-8)
  • Control/manipulation (Ps. 52:2)
  • Lying/deception (Ex. 23:1, Ps. 34:13, Prov. 12:22)
  • Hatred/malice/threats (1 John 4:20)
  • False doctrine/false religion (2 Pet. 2:1, Matt. 7:15)
  • Coarse joking (Eph. 5:4)
  • Foolish talk (Eph. 5:4)
  • Cursing (Rom. 12:14)
  • Flirting with other men. (Prov. 6:24-25, Matt. 5:28)
  • Filthiness (Eph. 5:4)
  • Godless chatter (1 Tim. 6:20, 2 Tim. 2:16)
  • Pride, boasting, and exalting self (Jude 1:16)
  • Harsh or rash words (Prov. 15:1, Prov. 12:18)
  • Tearing others down (Eph. 4:29)
  • Corrupting and discouraging others (Eph. 4:29)
  • Self-righteousness (Luke 19:9-14)
  • Too many words (Prov. 10:19)
  • Annoying other people (Prov. 27:14)

Not Speaking Up Can Be Wrong, Too

Sometimes, not speaking up is dangerous and hurtful.

  • Not disciplining our children when they are doing wrong. (Prov. 29:17)
  • Not speaking up for those who don’t have a voice who are being wronged. (Jer. 22:3
  • Not sharing the gospel, hope, and salvation we can have in Christ. (Matt. 28:16-20)
  • Not standing against evil, lies, and delusions. (Ez. 3)
  • Not addressing sin properly with love and truth when we should. (Matt. 7:1-5, Matt. 18:15-17, Gal. 6:1-2)

Christians and Silence

Silence is not something we are very used to in our society today. We are constantly bombarded with noise. Everyone wants to constantly share his or her opinions. But silence has an important place in a Christian’s life.

But there are times for us to be silent.

  • Rather than blurting out something too hastily or unleashing anger before listening carefully. Prov. 17:28
  • Having self-control, including over our words. (Gal. 5:22-23, James 1:19-27)
  • Restraining our words to honor God. (Prov. 17:27, James 1:19-26)
  • Waiting on God in prayer, being still before Him. (Ps. 62:5)
  • Giving people healthy space and respect. (Prov. 27:14)

How Should We Use Our Words If We Love Jesus?

God speaks to create, give life, encourage, speak truth, speak love, and communicate about Himself.

We can absolutely use our words for:

  • Building others up. (Eph. 4:29)
  • Speaking Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to other believers. (Eph. 5:19)
  • Thanksgiving. (1 Thess. 5:18)
  • Speaking godly wisdom. (Prov. 20:15, Prov. 31:26)
  • Sharing the truth in love.
  • Speaking the law of kindness. (Prov. 31:26)
  • Blessing others. (Rom. 12:14)
  • Speaking life and healing. (Prov. 12:18, Prov. 18:21)
  • Saying, “Yes,” to anything the Lord asks of us.
  • Saying, “No,” to anything that is not of God.

There Is a Time for a Christian Wife to Not Use Words

There are specific verses that talk about times when a Christian woman/wife would not use words.

It is not the talking that is the issue in marriage for a godly wife. It is how we use our words and what we are trying to accomplish with them.

Here’s the deal.

A wife whose husband is an unbeliever should not try to win him over with words about God but by her godly, respectful example. This doesn’t mean to never share the gospel with words. But once you know he knows the gospel, what does God prescribe for a wife to do?

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

1 Pet. 3:1-4

A backslidden husband or unbelieving man will not be drawn to Christ by his wife’s lecturing, talking a lot about the Bible, preaching, verbal demands, or teaching.

What will draw him most to Jesus is her beautiful, powerful example and godly attitude and the way she relates to him as God calls her to – with respect, dignity, faith in the Lord, and not giving way to fear. God gives us some powerful instructions on this concept in 1 Pet. 3:1-6. Not to oppress us. But to empower us to share our witness in the most effective way.

But this does not mean we can’t talk at all to or with our husbands. That would be a recipe for disaster. A setting aside of a woman’s personhood, in my view.

Song of Songs is about a King and his bride. The couple has a two-way dialog all throughout the book. There are many examples of wives speaking to their husbands in the Bible. Some use their influence for good (Esther, Abigail), others for bad (Eve, Jezebel).

Also, the Church (believers in Christ) is the Bride of Christ. Jesus is always available to us and wants us to come talk to Him and share our concerns and our hearts with Him in prayer. He always provides a two-way communication for us. We have His Word and Spirit. And He provides the way for us to come boldly and confidently to heaven’s throne through His work on the cross on our behalf.

NOTE: If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage or there are severe issues, please reach out for godly, trustworthy help.

RESOURCES

How to influence your unbelieving husband for Christ

To Speak or Not to Speak?

What if you are married to an unbeliever? – Got Questions?

WHAT ABOUT WOMEN SPEAKING IN CHURCH?

Women in Ministry – by Got Questions?