The first few years of my journey, I stumbled a lot. Like… A. LOT. For years. But every time I fell, I repented and got right back up, begging God to continue to change me to make me more like Jesus.
All I wanted was to:
- Love Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.
- Yield completely to His Lordship.
- Glorify Him.
- Let Him transform me.
- Tear out every thought, belief, word, and action that didn’t align with Christ.
- Rebuild my life on Him and His Word alone with the help of His Spirit.
- Bless Greg.
Now that I have a better understanding of God, my husband, and God’s design for marriage, I don’t feel tempted to go back to my old skewed beliefs at all. It’s obvious to me now how wrong they were.
The whole reason I acted the way I did—controlling, demanding, prideful, self-righteous, disrespectful, bossy, resentful, bitter, etc…—was because of my wrong thinking and wrong assumptions.
I believed some terrible lies:
- Greg didn’t love me.
- I had the responsibility to make other people do what was right.
- God was small and wimpy and I carried a lot of power and authority.
- Greg should do what I wanted him to do.
- Greg was responsible for my happiness.
- Everything depended on me.
Going back to my old mindset now is about as tempting as it would be for me to want my husband to tear up the new deck boards he just installed and replace them with the old rotten boards that used to be there.
NOT a temptation!
I Am Not the Same Woman Now
The old nature is still there. I could access it. But my desires are totally different now because of Jesus living in me and He is firmly on the throne of my life. I don’t want to access that old nastiness!
I have a stable spiritual foundation now built on the Solid Rock of Jesus Christ and His Word, the Bible.
I know who God is now. How huge, sovereign, omnipotent, and powerful He is. I know He is completely good and has good motives toward me. I know He can work through any situation for my eternal good and His kingdom’s glory. I know I can trust Him. I have tasted and seen how wonderful it is to put all of my faith in Him.
Why would I ever turn my back on Him to go my old way that lead to nothing but misery?
I also know who Greg is now. I understand his personality and masculinity more than ever. I also don’t idolize him or expect him to be my primary source of contentment, security, and emotional/spiritual wellbeing. I don’t idolize myself or my happiness.
I look to Jesus to fill me up. I find contentment in Jesus not in things or people of this world. I know He, alone, can satisfy the deepest longings of the heart and soul.
I don’t doubt my husband’s love now. I don’t assume the worst about him anymore and we have an 11 year history of me seeing that I have been right when I assume the best.
More than that, I know Jesus will never fail me even if my husband does. If I have Him, I am where I want to be.
It’s also incredibly helpful to constantly write and teach about the biblical principles God has given us as believers in Christ and godly wives. It helps me to grow when I know I am setting an example for my children and others. There is a lot of accountability.
Do I Still Have Temptations?
My sinful nature is still with me. I can still access it. But my goal is to crucify it daily and not let it rise up with God’s Spirit helping me.
Sometimes, if I am exhausted, hormonal, or in pain, I might say something with an edge of irritation to my voice. But these days, I usually realize it very quickly and immediately apologize.
(I just checked with my husband, and he confirmed what I am sharing. I wanted to be sure I wasn’t saying anything inaccurate!)
Of course, I have to watch for pride, fear, worry, impatience, unforgiveness, and irritation and take those thoughts captive for Christ right away the second I notice anything flare up.
Pride is my greatest concern because it is so sneaky and can be easy to miss in our own lives.
There are also new challenges that come up that bring new temptations to be afraid or worried. My desire is to always take those things straight to Jesus and to trust Him to lead me through them.
I still have much to learn and much growth ahead of me. I am not perfect and realize I will not be completely sinless and perfect until I step into heaven’s gates and God completes the good work He began in me.
But I have no desire for my old toxic mindset. It was so destructive and repulsive.
My desire is to stay very close to the Lord daily and filled up with His Spirit. I know I am completely dependent on His power and help. The only reason I can do anything good is His power working in me. May Jesus alone be exalted in my life!
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.Gal. 2:20