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Am I “Too Chatty” with My Husband?

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash


This is another one of those topics where the key is balance. It is entirely possible to be way too talkative. It is also entirely possible to be way too quiet. Of course, what you talk about or avoid talking about also matters.

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent. Prov. 10:19 CSB

How I used to hate that verse! Probably because I talked almost non-stop. But – now I recognize it is very true. I believe that it can be wise to look at my motives and expectations every now and then if I find myself wanting to talk a lot.

Note – I am going to be speaking in generalizations, by necessity in a post like this. Your relationship may not always follow every generalization and that is totally fine!


Some Not-So-Productive Reasons

If these are the reasons I want to talk with my husband, I need to go to the Lord and deal with any sin or wrong motives in my heart first. Then I can consider talking with my husband when I have taken care of my spiritual issues and I am filled with the Spirit rather than controlled by my flesh.


Some Great Reasons

  • I want to bond and connect with words for awhile. But I realize he may not bond this way and I know how much listening and talking he can realistically handle and I respect that.
  • There is important information I need/want to share with him.
  • I am looking to him for his wisdom and advice about an issue I am having.
  • I want to brainstorm with him about some plans.
  • I want to hear about things that are important to him.
  • I want to learn more about his perspective, masculine world, and mindset.
  • I have some legitimate concerns to share respectfully with him.
  • I want to humbly, respectfully, prayerfully confront him about his sin.
  • I want to ask him respectfully for something.
  • I want to talk with him to process my feelings and thoughts about something.
  • I feel lonely and want to feel closer to him – but I know that my primary security and contentmentย is in the Lord.
  • I want to build him up, bless, affirm, respect, and honor him.
  • I want to connect with him spiritually – if he is open and receptive to that, but if he is not, I can handle that graciously.
  • I want to enjoy his company and be his friend.


  1. When I want to talk to someone, I need to remember my audience.
  • Avoid topics he doesn’t really like.
  • Respect his preferences if he doesn’t want to talk about the news or something that is upsetting to him.
  • Focus more on things he enjoys.

2. Everyone has different preferences about how much they like to talk and listen.

  • If he is an introvert, you may want to keep conversations brief. He may actually enjoy some silence.
  • If he is an extrovert, he may enjoy longer talks, especially about things he likes.

3. There are times when it may be better not to have a deep, emotional, intense discussion.

  • One or both of you is sick, very hungry, or in significant pain – the flesh is weak.
  • You are hormonal.
  • It is late at night.
  • One or both of you is completely exhausted.
  • There is a very stressful situation.
  • He is watching his favorite football team.
  • He is working on a plumbing problem and trying to concentrate.
  • He doesn’t seem receptive.
  • You are in “flesh mode.”

4. Men sometimes associate talking with painful things like:

  • “There is a problem.”
  • “You are the problem.”

Not with:

  • “We are connecting and bonding.”

If you can make talking with you a pleasant, friendly thing, he may enjoy it more. ๐Ÿ˜‰

5. If you just want him to listen, not to solve any problems, let him know that up front.

Give him a respectful heads up about that he is helping you by just listening for 10 minutes while you process your thoughts verbally. Most guys (not all, but most, in my understanding) don’t have this need and will feel like they need to fix things if we are sad or upset. If they know that just listening does help us feel better, and we show that we feel better after they listen, that can encourage them to want to listen more often.

6. A lot of men don’t really enjoy hearing every detail about our hobbies, friends, family, shopping experiences, etc…

We can sometimes easily overload them with a lot of minutia that may not be particularly engaging to them.

7. Men and women tend to talk differently.

  • Women tend to bond by talking face-to-face with words.
  • Men tend to bond by doing things together shoulder-to-shoulder, not face-to-face.

Face-to-face can feel rather emotionally intimidating to men at times. If you are watching them constantly, it can make them feel emotionally “naked” or extra vulnerable. They tend to bond just by being together and having shared experiences, or they may love to bond through sex with their wives. Just because he doesn’t bond in the same way doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to bond with you. Try to do some things that help you feel bonded and some things that help him bond his way.

For details about the research behind these tips, check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s best-selling book, “For Women Only.”


Verses about talking too much

Verses about the wisdom of silence


I hope to share on these topics in the next few weeks:

  • What to do when you really need another outlet for talking.
  • How to tell if you are too quiet with your husband.



What wisdom has God given you about this topic that may be a blessing to other wives? What struggles do you have in this area?


Much love!


Being Married to a Man Who Doesn’t Talk Much

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

“We Need to Talk!”

Husbands and Emotionsย – multiple post links

A Silent Husband Shares His Heart

I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More

When Your Husband Needs Space

A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space

How to Ask Your Man for Things Respectfully

How to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally


34 thoughts on “Am I “Too Chatty” with My Husband?

  1. Really good post and original! I look forward to the post on other outlets rather than talking too much to your husband.

  2. Your posts continue to painfully and thankfully challenge me!! I have come to realise that my mouth has indeed a whole will of it’s own! Arrrrrrrghhhhhh!!! :))))) X x

    1. Isaiah6510,

      This is definitely challenging! It is the stuff that the Lord challenges me with for myself. May He empower us to have His victory over our mouths, words, and thoughts! We sure need His power to do this!

  3. I love the list you gave of good reasons to speak to our husbands. In reading that list, I thought it would be wise for me to let my husband know my motive prior to speaking with him. Other than the one about confronting sin, because I feel like that would close him up to even listening at all and would not be gentle. Thank you, this was very informative. It is also very timely. I am in celebrate recovery and I picked up a chip for my โ€œmouthโ€ just a few days ago. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Heidi,

      Hopefully the one about confronting sin would only be necessary very rarely in most cases. I don’t think we have to confront every single sin we see in our husbands, necessarily. And if our husbands are feeling really disrespected by us, they probably won’t be open to hearing a rebuke from us until they see us change a lot. I know that was true in my own life.

      I’m glad this was a blessing – it would have been super helpful for me about 9 years ago when I started this journey and had ZERO clue what I was doing!

    2. Congrats on your chip Heidi!

      Stay strong in Celebrate Recovery! Yea!

      (PS. Not super familiar with Celebrate Recovery – thinking it is like AA when the chips commemorate a time of growth in a certain area. Forgive me if I spoke amiss.)

      Much love!

  4. It always seems these post align perfectly with what I’m going through or thinking lately!
    As far as this topic goes this is a huge thing i’ve noticed lately – when i talk less, and just walk with my husband, sit with him, or just be with him and smile he will come to me more, love on me or hug me/ask how i am doing. When i am talking talking talking is when i feel he disconnects a bit and seems further or distant. So weird to me, and def not ideal for a woman and talker like me but i’m learning theres actually lots of freedom in just being quiet more. Mainly bc of motives like mentioned above. A lot of times i find myself trying to manipulate my husband with my words and this is wrong! Where when I’m just with him, focused on christ and joyful I end up drawing him near.
    I guess that’s what girl friends are for!

    1. niki,

      Aw! This is awesome! I found the same things to be true in my relationship with Greg. And yes, we do need girl friends! It’s awesome to have a husband. It is awesome to have some great girl friends, and it is awesome to have the Lord to confide in, too. One man can’t meet all of the emotional/verbal needs we have sometimes, but that is okay.

  5. Great post. I’ve learned that my husband needs silence in the morning. He is not a morning person and needs time to wake up and get his head on straight. If I have something I need to talk with him about, I wait until late morning or afternoon, and I usually ask if he can spare me a few minutes to talk before I dive in. Sometimes he can and sometimes he can’t. If he can’t he always lets me know that he wants to talk with me later when he is available. LOL, what I find interesting is that he doesn’t do this with me, and I wish he would!

    1. Istrovas,

      That is really important information. I’m so glad the Lord has given you this wisdom, I’m sure it makes communication a lot better. Yes, I am sure we all have our preferences. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. God sometimes has a wonderful way of giving us a taste of our own medicine. Recently, I had to drive to a conference with another woman. She was chattering the whole time while I was trying to drive in heavy traffic. And talking about really dumb things like purses. Gave me a taste of what it must feel like to be a husband sometime and made me much more cognizant of giving my poor husband’s ears a rest.

    1. Marked Wife,
      I have experienced the same thing. Funny how I had no problem talking constantly, or bossing other people around, or trying to control or criticize them. But if someone did that to ME?!?!?!? Oh, man! That was the worst thing ever! It is sobering to be on the receiving end of my own behavior and to experience it from the other end. Great reminder NOT to do that again!

  7. I have struggled with this! I have known my husband since we were little kids and in high school is when we fell in love. I sometimes feel more like we are buddies than he is a grown man that goes out everyday, works hard and comes home! I have to check myself and make sure I invest in him and his day instead of overloading him with all the stuff that happened at my work. This is something I’ve really tried to work on but sometimes don’t know how to go about it! Thank you for your words and encouragement!!!!

    1. Melanie,

      Than you for sharing this struggle. Balance is really key. I pray this may be a blessing. Let me know how things go or if you want to talk some more. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Love this! I think I do well in this area but I wasn’t always doing well. I agree about the For Women Only book, it is really good and there is a men’s book too if your husband is interested.

    I just wanted to point out what you said about men preferring side by side. For us that translates to us talking sitting next to each other on the couch while the TV is on but we’re not really watching it. I actually prefer not face to face too although I know most women do.

    1. Kathleen Bailey,

      That book was such a help to me early in my journey when Greg just couldn’t really articulate his thoughts to me very well. It opened my ability to understand how different his thoughts and perspective could be. Yes, there is a book, For Men Only, for the husbands, as well.

      Yes, that is how we often talk, too. Sitting side by side in bed with him watching TV. I am free to bring things up almost any time these days. But I try not to overload him. And I try not to talk when he is watching something that is really important to him.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and how you prefer not talking face-to-face. There is less pressure shoulder-to-shoulder. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Uh oh. I felt a little zing when i read the line about explaining my perspective so I can show him I am right. That one hit a bullseye with me. Without going into a ton of detail here, several years ago my husband and I had a huge fight and our perceptions and opinions of the situation differed greatly. Although we eventually agreed to disagree and things are back on track with us, that old fight pops up on a rare occasion and I canโ€™t resist restating my stand on the matter.

    Thank you for posting this. This is yet another one of your posts that has me thinking about examining areas in my spritual life that could use some refining.

    1. Happily Gave Up,

      Guess how I can describe that situation so well? ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Yep. I spent many years doing exactly that. But what I thought of back then as just “innocently explaining” myself to him, was really me being contentious. My husband is an intelligent guy. He understood what I was saying pretty early on in the explanation. If there seriously are important things I have left out, yes, I may need to share things respectfully. But usually, when I want to go on and on explaining myself it is not because my husband doesn’t understand. It is because I think he is wrong and I am right and I want to make him change his mind and agree with me.

      A 5th grader at my daughter’s school has a t-shirt that says, “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”


      It is a healthy thing to explore each other’s viewpoints and perspectives. It is great to explain things to a degree. To share. But there is this point where it becomes arguing and contention. That is definitely not cool.

      I’m glad this post was a blessing. It is one that I needed about 30 years ago when I was a teenager. Could have spared me and other people I love quite a lot of grief if I had understood some of these things back then.

      Thanks for sharing and much love to you!

  10. I’ll have to review this and re-read it a couple of times. Initially this does look like a blog post I would love to use in pre-marital counseling. Thank you so much for thoughtfully engaging a very real issue in every marriage– communication!

    1. deeplygrateful,

      Thank you for the feedback. I pray God will use this post to be a blessing to many. May Christ be greatly exalted in our motives, thoughts, and words as we allow Him to transform our thinking. ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. Just re-read it. I have made multiple copies of it to give out when doing pre-marital. I definitely think you hit the nail on the head with the face to face versus shoulder to shoulder conversations. Thank you once again. Would you mind if I shared this on my personal blog page? If so, is there a preface you would desire to have?

        1. deeplygrateful,
          I’m glad this is helpful. ๐Ÿ™‚ That is a blessing to me. Yes, you may share the post. If you would just share something like:

          This is a guest post from April Cassidy, blogger at and author of “The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.”


  11. Well, you just ran over me with a mack truck! Hooley dooley! I talk a lot too and i need to cut back. My husband calls me through out the day expecting a conversation. Just upbeat and positive and small talk. He doesnt like silence. And neither do i. But i get stuck for conversation. So im not sure how to handle it. And all of my children have learned to be talkers. And constantly ask questions. How do i encourage them to talk less? Will print this out for sure!

    1. Anon M,

      It is not wrong to have positive, upbeat small talk. And if your husband loves to have conversations with you, that is awesome! You can still invite the Lord to guard your mouth and motives.

      You are homeschooling your kids, of course they have a lot of questions! That is a good thing. But you can prayerfully seek the Lord’s wisdom about this. It may be that you can practice having some quiet time where they practice being silent for a bit. Particularly if they do seriously talk non-stop. You can also work with the older ones about motive.


  12. I really fall for the balance situation in being chatty because it hits me directly, thank you very much for your post about being chatty. I always created a fight when I my husband shows signs of boredom to my stories, he will tell me nicely that he is tired but still I get angry because even though he is tired he can spend hours to chat with others but not me.

    1. Tereram,

      It can be frustrating to find a good balance for both husband and wife. Sometimes ministers can get all “talked out” before they get home. But that is tough on a wife and family at times.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both, precious sister.

  13. I found this very beneficial. It helped me understand the struggle between me and my husband when it comes to communication. When I communicate with him, it’s usually for a not so productive reason. I’m looking forward to additional post.

    1. Monica,
      I’m glad this was helpful. Yes, if we can switch from all the unproductive reasons to the healthier reasons, that alone will make a big difference!

  14. I must be weird. When my wife talks on and on… I actually like it. She’s not normally quite, so that’s not it. I just like listening to her talk.

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