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Let’s Talk about Sex!

Photo by Rhema Kallianpur on Unsplash

Ladies,

If you have general questions about sexual intimacy and marriage that you would like to see me write about in a post, I’d love to hear from you. Especially if it is a topic I have not covered in the past. You may leave a comment here in the comment section, or you may leave your question on my Contact page if you would prefer to be more anonymous.

I’d like to keep discussions G-rated, wholesome, holy, and honoring to the Lord. And this will be a ladies-only conversation. Thanks for understanding!

Lord,

I thank You for creating men, women, marriage, and sex. Thank You for Your good design. I pray for Your healing for the sex lives of my readers – so that their marriages might be vibrant, healthy, and most of all, that Your Name might be greatly glorified in their lives. Thank You for the marriage gift of sexual intimacy. Thank You for the picture the one flesh relationship is of the one Spirit relationship Jesus has with the church. Help us to honor our marriage beds and to please give us the tools we need to promote strong healthy sex lives in our marriages.

Amen!

I have a number of resources about sex in marriage and related issues that you are welcome to check out:

ATTRACTION

BODY IMAGE

BOUNDARIES ABOUT SEX IN MARRIAGE

A HUSBAND WANTS MORE SEX THAN HIS WIFE DOES

A WIFE WANTS MORE SEX THAN HER HUSBAND DOES

A WIFE WANTS MORE CONNECTION

DEALING WITH DESTRUCTIVE JEALOUSY

 

Also – if you are interested in seeing more material from me, check out my:

68 thoughts on “Let’s Talk about Sex!

  1. Hi April,
    I got married last year expecting to have sex 3 or 4 times a week but in practice, we have sex about 3 or 4 times a month. My husband has a physically-demanding job. He comes home exhausted and then watches TV for hours. By the time he comes to bed, I’m usually sleeping so there’s no sex. This is something that I’ve found disappointing. I used to nag him to take off the TV and come to bed earlier but I’ve since just accepted it as my reality. He’s always tired and I don’t like to feel as if I’m begging him for it. I just try to focus on my relationship with Christ. I don’t complain much about it anymore because I don’t want him to feel inadequate. He’s a great and loving man and I love being his wife.

    1. Natasha,

      Many of us enter marriage with a certain expectation about how often we will have sex. And then… reality sets in. It isn’t always possible to have the level of intimacy we would really like to have.

      A few things that may be helpful – I have some links on this post for wives who desire sex more than their husbands do. If you haven’t read those posts, I would encourage you to check them out.

      Some practical things:

      – Men have their highest levels of testosterone in the morning. Sometimes if you approach him in the morning instead of the evening, he may be more interested.
      – Or you can try approaching him physically on the couch while he is watching TV rather than waiting for him to come to bed. Does he object to massages and to you touching and cuddling with him?
      – Guys can definitely be so exhausted that they are too tired for sex. Just like women. That doesn’t mean he is not attracted to you or that he doesn’t love you. It can just mean he is exhausted. It can be helpful to keep these things in mind because Satan would love for us to take that kind of thing personally and to become resentful and bitter.

      Let me know if you still need more ideas after reading these posts. I’ll be glad to do anything I can to help y’all develop a beautiful sex life and to help you be strong in the Lord. I am praying for the Lord’s wisdom and healing in this area, my precious sister!

      Much love!

  2. April, please discuss this! This is a super painful topic – one I have to block out of my mind for the most part

    I’ve basically decided that the Lord must have only meant sex for procreation because the interest dies in most marriages. I absolutely can’t relate to people who complain about 4x a month. My husband and I were intimate maybe 2-3 month for the first 15 yrs, then it turned into 1x a month, and now it’s like 2x a year.

    The way I console myself is to say that the Lord meant for sex early in the marriage when the love is immature and shallow. Why else would our bodies basically dry up as we hit perimenopause and sex become painful? Men are crushed that their parts aren’t working the same and basically just want to feel sorry for themselves, and tune it out with TV, work, etc.. They will not talk about it as far as I can tell. I’ve tried the morning thing and talked to him about T levels being higher in the morning, but he still said no. I’ve told him I’m not expecting him to go all night! The reality is he could care less!

    Maybe as we age, God expected us to be more mature in our love for each other and NOT need sex or even participate in it… Maybe He wants us to learn contentment from HM alone, make HIM bigger, and our husband’s smaller? I don’t know.. I am reaching.. Maybe it’s the enemy’s tactic to destroy marriages that make it past 15 yrs or so? It’s a brilliant idea for sure.

    ALL I know for sure, is it’s really hard to feel loved when sex happens a few times a year and is called “an anniversary gift” and when you are still young (under 50). You expect it to end when you are like 70, but wow it’s so much earlier than that.

    It hurts more than anything to be rejected and going on in your marriage like roommates, who get along great after 25 yrs of marriage, but barely touch each other even though the kids are grown, jobs and finances are good, and basically everything is good, but no sex or foreplay happens.

    It’s really super hard when I exercise and work hard to look good, but it really doesn’t seem to matter. So, my motive for that is the Lord – being a good steward of HIS temple for HIM.. IF I didn’t make everything about HIM, I truly couldn’t make it through this stage of marriage. This, by far, is the hardest test of my faith.

    It’s really hard when every book, pastor, website, etc.. says men number one need is respect and then sex, but you find out your husband seems to have no need for sex.. The world is constantly telling us how important sex is for our marriage, and I don’t even know if that is true at this point. The world is always making men out to be sex manics and telling us women not to reject them, when they are the ones rejecting us left and right! Where’s the sermons on that? where’s the message to men telling them that they are hurting us more than words can say, that they are NOT loving us like Christ loved the church.. that they are making us feel ugly, and old?!

    1. Louise Lewis,

      My heart hurts with you, my precious sister. 🙁

      Originally, God’s intention was for people to live forever in goodness and perfection. Of course, Adam and Eve chose the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. So death entered the world. We are now fallen. Part of the consequences of sin is that there is disease and also there is aging and the deterioration of our bodies over time. Part of that includes the sexual dysfunction that tends to come with age. Solomon describes that, a bit, in Ecclesiastes 12:5 how “desire is no longer stirred” when he describes old age.

      Then there can be other medical and spiritual issues at work in the situation, too. I talk about a number of the issues that can contribute to a lower libido/sex drive for men in this post. My guess, as a pharmacist, would be that if sex was that infrequent for the whole marriage, there could be a hormonal cause. I’m not sure if your husband has ever been willing to go to the doctor about this? That can be a tricky thing.

      Whether the issue is physical, emotional, or spiritual, my prayer is that God might help you discern what is going on and how best to approach the issue in a constructive, respectful way. And God absolutely can use a trial like this to help you learn to depend on Him more than anything or anyone else.

      I love that you seek to take good care of your body as a good steward. And I love your desire to trust the Lord and to depend on Him more.

      I have a number of posts on this topic – the links are all here in this post. If the posts I have already written don’t help, if you want to talk about this in greater detail, I am here. I am praying for you and your husband and your marriage, my dear sister. You are not alone, many, many wives are in the same boat.

      Much love to you!

    2. Thank you April. I meant to tell you that I have read pretty much every one of your blog entries and more than once! The Lord has used you in mighty BIG TIME ways!

      There have been medical doctor visits for both of us, and we are doing what they offered and suggested, but it’s been almost 2 years now.

      I was wondering if it is possible that we defiled our marriage bed, or we are reaping some sort of consequence of our lives BC. We lived together before we were married, and we didn’t become Christians until we about 10 yrs into the marriage, and now we are sold out for HIM.

      Aren’t husband’s sinning when they lose interest? Should I be praying for the Holy Spirit to convict Him or led Him to repentance? I did hear one bible teacher say that men who lose their desire for their wives have a spiritual problem. What do you think?

      1. I do think that sexual sin before my marriage, has had a huge affect on the intimacy in my marriage both from previous partners on both sides, and from us living together before marriage. Its taken 10 years of marriage now for healing in a few areas on both our parts, but as that healing has occured I have found that my husband is more interested in pursuing me. So from my perspective there could well be consequences that are carrying over into your marriage.

        I do also believe it is a sin for your husband to continually reject you, I would say the same to any woman as well. I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering. I have suffered this rejection to an extent, but not nearly to the extent you seem to be. I would pray for your husband continually on this matter. The Lord can do amaizing things. Even if it is a medical condition (other than one that literally prevents him from physically intamacy) if he was loving you like Christ loves the church then he would do this out of love and respect for you and your needs. With that said be very careful to not let that make you bitter towards him. We all sin. Prayer is the answer. Pray, Pray, Pray for him. And pray for yourself and your healing and peace in the situation as well.

        I think that God is using this for your and his good, even though it does not feel like it righr now, as you said above it can kead to a closer fuller deeper relationship with the Lord, and that is a beautiful place to be. God bless you and your husband, and may he provide healing for you both in this area of intimacy!

        1. Thank you Sarah! Especially for the reminder that yes – bitterness will without a doubt, DESTROY, everything in it’s path.

      2. Louise Lewis,

        I’m so glad those posts were helpful.

        If there are medical issues, and you would be interested in discussing them privately, I can arrange that. I have some insights as a pharmacist that I may be able to share.

        As far as why there are these issues, I can’t know for sure the reason. It could be possible that this may be a consequences of premarital sex. Although, I am not entirely convinced that is necessarily what is going on. You can certainly pray and invite God to disclose if there is any sin issue that is a cause and you can repent of any known sin individually and together.

        I’m super glad to hear you have received Christ now and you are both sold out for Him! THAT IS AWESOME!

        Satan loves to steal, kill, and destroy. He loves to tempt us to have a lot of sex before marriage. And then he loves to discourage sex as much as possible after marriage. It is a smart plan. Yes.

        But you are no longer under Satan’s authority because you are under Jesus’ authority! Of course, you can inadvertently give Satan authority in your lives, even as believers. Here is a post about that.

        The issue of a husband (or wife) “sinning” when he loses interest is a bit more complicated, I think. Losing interest in sex is not necessarily a sin. If he has super low testosterone, he may seriously not have much of a drive. If he is completely exhausted from working 70-80 hours per week, it isn’t a sin either if he is not interested in sex. His body has physical limits. Just like a wife’s libido may be destroyed by hormone changes, birth control pills, peri-menopause, illness, pain, exhaustion, etc…

        Of course, there are some sinful things that can contribute to lack of interest in sex in marriage. Things like:

        – porn addiction
        – resentment
        – bitterness
        – hatred
        – other sexual sin
        – shame and guilt
        – lust

        Then there are times when someone is very wounded emotionally, spiritually, or sexually that impact their ability to desire sex. I wouldn’t say that these things are sins for the person now. They are scars:
        – a history of being sexually abused
        – feeling very disrespected
        – feeling very unloved
        – feeling unsafe in the relationship in some way

        These things are not really sins. But they are important issues that need to be dealt with. Just like the medical issues or exhaustion are not sins, but they are issues that need to be dealt with.

        Losing interest sexually is not really the sin. It can be a symptom of a sin. Or it can be a symptom of another problem. The sin is when we purposely withhold sex from our spouse who would like to have sex when it is in our power to cooperate and be there for them sexually. I hope that makes sense.

        Much love to you!

        1. Also, even if a spouse has a sexual dysfunction issue medically, they can still be willing, hopefully, to do things the other spouse will enjoy sexually. Even if intercourse isn’t possible.

  3. Hello. Could you touch on what to do if your husband watches homosexual porn/possibility of him being attracted to men?

    1. Lauren
      MY heart hurts with you, my sister. That is a challenging situation.

      You are welcome to check out my posts on porn in general. You can find them linked on this post. A lot of what a wife can do to help will be the same for gay porn.

      Here are some specific resources, if he is open to receiving help, for men who struggle with gay porn.

      I am praying for God’s victory for your marriage! And I am here if you need more support.

  4. Hi April,

    Thank you for this post.
    I actually have a question/comment on the ‘What Is Attractive/Unattractive to Our Husbands?’ post and about godly femininity. But the comments are closed on that one, so is it okay if I just do it here?

    Last year I started this ‘femininity’ journey, wearing skirts and dresses and trying to dress modest.
    It’s really hard because I am tall and have no clue how to dress, but I tried my best and prayed over it and noticed God helping me with it, too.
    Turned out my husband doesn’t like it at all!! He doesn’t like me wearing skirts, he prefers me looking a bit like a tough girl, like I used to. And he does NOT want me to look modest! Says he likes to show what he’s got, and it’s not a problem when other men look at me.
    And they will probably have forgotten what they say in 30 seconds. He did not say this to insult me but apparently this is what happens when he sees a sexy woman or something. That is the opposite of what I read in Shaunty Feldhahn’s book, which makes it even more confusing.
    He is a christian, but he has very worldy views on femininity and sexuality.

    I could really use some wisdom and prayers over this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really wish to look more feminine and ‘soft’ and it just seems to suit me better because I have actually become softer. And I wish he would appreciate my beauty and not just sexyness.
    Should I wear what he likes (as long as it’s some kind of modest..) and pray for him to understand about godly femininity? Or would that be giving in to his worldly views?
    At this moments we just have conversations and discussions over it and that’s really not helping…
    I’ve been trying to let him decide over it, too, which was a really big step for me.
    But we always kind of end up in the slutty department. And he gets sad when I try to show him modest stuff.

    Thank you so much in advance for your reply and prayers.

    audienceofone

    1. I think dressing immodestly to cause other men to look at you would fall into the area of no longer submitting because he is asking you to sin by being a stumbling block for other men. This seems like a hard place to be in! Can you dress a little less modestly at home (if you dont have children) and more modestly when out?

      And I would pray for him to have a change of heart!

    2. audienceofone,

      This is a pretty common issue when women begin to study godly femininity and they discover a desire to dress modestly and maybe want to dress in more feminine ways but their husbands are not on board yet.

      It puts a woman in a difficult position. You want to please the Lord most of all and not be a stumbling block. But you want to honor your husband and his desires. You want to look attractive to him. That is tough when your husband’s desires and what you would be most pleasing to the Lord are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

      Some of my friends whom I respect greatly who have been in similar positions try to achieve a healthy compromise – and they pray for God to change their husband’s heart.

      – They try to dress in the sexy ways their husbands love at home, especially in private.
      – They may avoid wearing long skirts/dresses and go with jeans or pants that are on the most modest side of what their husband prefers if he really hates a soft, feminine look.

      Some husbands want to show their wives off. They want other men to be jealous. They are fine with other men lusting after their wives. Of course, one would hope that a Christian husband would not think that way. But you can’t change where your husband is on things like this. That will be something that God will have to work on in his heart.

      So, what you can do is say,

      “Lord,
      I want so much to honor You. I want to dress modestly. I would really love to dress in skirts and dresses. My husband hates for me to dress modestly. I understand that he doesn’t want me to be frumpy. But he wants to show off my body to other men. I am not comfortable with that. Please work in his heart. Change his thoughts. Open his eyes to Your thinking. Help him to see that I am trying to honor him and honor You by not presenting a stumbling block to other men. I can’t change his thinking. But You can. Show me what to do for now until his mind softens to the idea of the beauty of modesty. Help me find some clothes to wear in public with him that he might be able to tolerate that would also be more honoring to You and to other men. I can’t make a way to do this – but I trust You to make a way for me. Thank You for what You will do.
      Amen!”

      Also, perhaps Radiant’s post may be a blessing.

      If you truly believe that what he wants you to wear in public is “slutty,” that is not going to work. What about something classy and beautiful but not frumpy? Is there somewhere in the middle that would be a possibility? There are different definitions of modest, and different convictions. Some women believe it means only ankle length skirts. Some believe skirts can’t be above the knee. Some believe they shouldn’t wear pants. Some wear pants that are just not skin tight. Some wear pants that are more flowy, etc…

      How often are you talking about the subject, usually? Has he read anything about modesty or about men and lust with you? Like Shaunti’s book? Her book is pretty accurate, being that she is a statistician and had such a wide sampling of men. I think he may just want you to continue to feel comfortable wearing what he likes, possibly. And I am sad that he doesn’t seem concerned about what your appearance may do to other men.

      I’m going to check with some of my friends, as well, for some ideas. But I know that as you ask the Lord to work to make it possible for you to wear more modest clothing, He can change your husband’s heart and understanding in time. I have seen that happen before!

      Much love!

      April

      1. AudienceofOne,
        Here is what one of my friends would suggest who has been in the same situation:

        She can definitely dress for him in the bedroom.
        But if it goes against her conscience, she would be able to say she feels like it is sin for her to draw guys attention by dressing like that.
        She can be careful not to dress in a frumpy way, and to try to find some things he likes that she feels comfortable in too. If there is a certain style he likes that she can do modestly that would be good. Otherwise he feels totally disrespected.
        But if he only likes skimpy stuff, I believe a wife can respectfully say that she just can’t wear that in public because she must honor Jesus first. Or that she just can’t feel comfortable in these things where others will see her.

        1. Hi April,

          Thank you so much for your reply.
          It is so kind of you to even ask your friends about this!

          Like you said, it is true that I cannot change where my husband is now. I have been angry (okay, judging him) about this in the past. How could someone who is a christian, etc etc… But God is showing me more and more how He sees my husband, and that’s a pretty different picture 😉 I am grateful that He already changed this in me!

          I do think it is confusing that so many women have so many opinions on what is modest and what is not… It also makes it hard for me to take a stand when talking about this.
          Also, the thought of me not being able to wear the clothes I would like myself, as long as God doesn’t change his heart, is pretty unbearable (it might 20 years! I’ll be old by then…).
          But by your replies I’ve been encouraged to keep on looking and praying for stuff that we both like. I am already carefull not to dress frumpy, as much for myself as for him! And right now I am, as you wrote, ‘on the modest side of what my husband prefers’ though I would prefer it to be even more modest, less ‘about me’ if that makes sense.

          We don’t talk about the subject too often, just when I need something new.
          I’ll definitely consider reading Shaunti Feldhahn’s book together (if he is willing).
          We did happen to have a brief talk about it yesterday, and what touched me was that he said: if you don’t want to wear this-and-that outside anymore I don’t get to see you in it either. That made him sad. And I could understand that (guys being visual and all), where earlier I would have thought he should not be whining about something so small. So, I guess that’s improvement!

          Thank you so much for the prayer you wrote down. I’ll definitely be using it, especially when I am so frustrated I can’t find any words myself.

          Sarah, I have been trying to dress less modestly at home. We have children but they are still very young. I don’t know what I would do when they get older. But I’ve decided to worry about that when the time comes 🙂

          audienceofone

          1. audienceofone,

            The Bible talks about that we should dress modestly, as women, and that we should not have extravagant hairstyles, jewelry, or clothing. But it doesn’t go into specifics. So exactly how we obey the Lord is a matter of personal convictions and a matter of following the Lord and seeking to honor Him. Modesty can look different in different cultures.

            What is helpful for me is to study about the things that tend to be the most triggering for most men. And then try to avoid those things.

            This may be a process. Your husband has his own journey with the Lord to take. And the timeframe of his understanding on this topic may be different from yours. That is okay.

            I’m glad he is sharing that he wants to get to see you and that he enjoys your body. Those are great things.

            I have a teenage son now, so I definitely have to consider being modest at home, too. You can invite the Lord to give you His wisdom and let Him know the most of all you want your clothes to be respectful and pleasing to Him.

            Much love!

  5. Hi April
    I think it might be helpful to talk about how having an abusive father, especially if he was sexually abusive or perverse in addition to things like verbal and emotional abuse and drug and alcohol abuse,. affects a woman trying to be an adult in a marriage. Especially if growing up with such abuse and perversion made a mess out of her life and create all sorts of boundary issues,. promiscuous and inappropriate experiences and behaviours and struggles in marriage that would make confiding in most Christians very risky. Just being molested by a stranger or raped can create such difficulties and when its one’s own father even more so. I know of a number of women who had abusive fathers who wound up drug addicted prostitutes among other things. Trying to come to church, where often the image is presented as if we are all from Christian homes and don’t struggle with anything REALLY dark or icky, makes it almost impossible to risk confiding one’s real life issues and struggles because of fear of judgement or rather misjudgement and betrayal of confidence, or being labelled as a weirdo because of it.
    Thanks 🙂

    1. Anonymous,

      My precious sister! I really can’t begin to fathom the depth of the wounds a sweet little innocent girl would experience at the hands of such a father. A father is supposed to be a model and conduit of Christ and His love, provision, and godly leadership. But with such an abusive father, he is actually a vessel of Satan used by him to accomplish his terrible purposes. 🙁

      This breaks my heart so much! How I want NO child to EVER, EVER experience something so horrific. Of course, if a father does these terrible things to his daughter, she will have extreme confusion, boundary issues, trust issues, and all kinds of scars in her heart and life. She will not know how to properly relate to men. She will not know how to properly think about sex or marriage.

      But thankfully, even children who have been so terribly molested and mistreated by their fathers absolutely CAN receive healing in Jesus. That is the awesome news.

      It is often easy for a woman who has experienced such abuse and then who went on to be promiscuous or become a prostitute to recognize the darkness in her life and the brokenness. She can see how much she needs Jesus and how she can’t do anything good enough to fix herself in God’s eyes. This is why sometimes it is easier for those who have really dark and icky things to come to the Lord. They start with a spirit of humility and easily recognize their need for Jesus to do everything for them. They know how sick they are and how it is only Jesus who can heal and save them.

      Sometimes women who didn’t experience such abuse can deceive themselves into believing that they have no massive sin issues, that they don’t really need Jesus that much, that they pretty much have things covered on their own. They aren’t wretched sinners. That was me. Totally oblivious to all of my pride, self-righteousness, bitterness, gossip, hatred, control, idolatry (so many idols!), disrespect toward my husband, disrespect toward God, unbelief in God, lack of love, critical spirit, unforgiveness, and the list goes on and on. These weren’t occasional sins. They were all day long every day for decades. Every waking moment. I was spiritually in a coma or close to dead.

      Once God opened my eyes, I was horrified to see the mountain of sin in my life. I had thought I didn’t “sin that much” and “didn’t owe God much.” I was SO SO VERY WRONG. Once God opens our eyes, we all see that we are very broken and we are all wretched sinners. On our own, we are all spiritually dead. We are all on level ground at the foot of the cross in total dependence on Jesus and His sacrifice for us.

      When I know the depth of my own depravity apart from the Lord, how I have NOTHING good in me, I will be able to extend the Lord’s love, compassion, grace, and mercy to those who are deeply wounded and broken and who have very dark and icky things in their lives. I will see them with God’s eyes. I will see the healing and wholeness that is available to them in Christ. Even if I don’t know the exact steps they may need to heal, and I may not know every baby step, I will be able to pray and love and support my hurting sisters and walk beside them on this journey to healing in Jesus.

      I would only want to confide deep struggles like this with a believer who has experienced seeing the depth of her own wretchedness and who has experienced the Spirit filling her life. Such a one should be well-equipped to respond in beautiful ways to a sister with a horrific past.

      Is this the kind of information you were thinking about me sharing? Or am I on a different track than you had in mind?

      Much love!

  6. I am uncertain how to word this. Most responses focus only in inner healing of wounds, expression of compassion and ministry and leading the person to forgiving offenders. And those things are needful. Sometimes depending on the church, an emphasis on deliverance is part of that. But I was thinking more of change on a deep level that has to do with character damage and sinful response patterns that develop as a result of these things. I don’t know if that angle is possible here or not but it would be a good discussion.

    1. anonymous,

      You are thinking about other believers helping those who have been so deeply wounded by showing them the ropes about maybe things like:

      – identity in Christ
      – healthy boundaries and ways to relate in marriage
      – how to develop a healthy view of sex
      – identifying toxic ways of relating
      – tearing down the old ways of thinking and rebuilding on Christ and His truth alone

      Am I on the same page? 🙂

      1. Yes this is more what I am thinking. I think when first coming to Christ it is almost as if one thinks He is going to fix up one’s existing house , replace some of the siding, maybe a new furnace, some new drapes and furniture,. better insulation. Then at some point more problems start to crop up until you realize its not a fixer upper. The whole thing has to go and be rebuilt including the foundation, its so infected with damage and parasites, dereliction, etc.

        I actually did internet searches on how to rebuild or regain integrity when you have lost it. Or probably didn’t have it in the first place. Much of what I found related to the business and motivational world. I have found few stories that are about Christians who have serious issues in that regard. I have gotten into a few situations because of a lack of strength, where I let other Christians lead me into something I knew was wrong, but because they soft soaped me and poo pooed me or in some cases, showed threatening anger, I backed down, went along and wound up in the middle of a mess. Which of course was blamed entirely on me.

        In another situation, after years of having issues with poor boundaries and getting into sinful sexual situations as a young teen and young adult, as well even while trying to be a Christian, I made an all out commitment to Christ, experiencing some healing and seemed to experience a sense of restored purity. And then went out shortly after, about a week or so, and fell into giving way to lust and into sin, as well as another relationship with verbal and emotional abuse and many facets of poor character. I was crushed, angry and frustrated over myself. I thought I had been changed. Evidently not. Then I sank into a deep depressed blackness where I was non functional for almost a decade. This is the sort of thing that I have never heard discussed in church, as it seems everyone likes “glory stories” where if someone did sin, it was a one time thing or a drug addiction and now its in the past, praise the Lord. But little about the process of change. Often what I hear sounds suspiciously like boot strapping it, no different than the self help programs that are promoted. Few churches seem to see themselves being on the front of a multi dimensional sin war; rather they seem more like club houses for Christians who are now safe from the struggle, when in reality becoming a Christian means the war is on.

        My experiences of telling others what I had done usually resulted in shaming castigation and clear implications of being a dyed in the wool slut as if I got into such situations because this was my aim and I just didn’t care, just who I was. Which was agonizing because as one who had suffered sexual abuse, this was what I already thought about myself, that I hadn’t any right to be have purity or sexual boundaries, those were for ” good girls” and I wasn’t one. Indeed, I wonder, if one has repeatedly fallen into such sin, is purity possible still? Can God do it again and is He willing to restore one again in an area where He had previously restored and one made a mess out of it? Not that it isn’t true that there is always an aspect to sin where when it comes down to it, we like doing what we want over what God wants. Part of the whole thing is just good old fashioned wrestling with sin, obedience and the flesh. Sometimes it is helpful to hear examples of others who had to deal with the same things .

        1. anonymous,

          Yep. All of us have lives that are “not fixer uppers.” All of our lives have to be crucified and buried with Jesus. And we all need new life and a new Spirit in Him.

          So maybe what could be helpful are some baby steps about boundaries? About respecting ourselves appropriately? And about the limits of submission to those in authority?

          I am so sad to hear that you were so oppressed for a decade. 🙁 Radiant has a similar story, although not originating in sexual abuse. But she was so severely spiritually oppressed by lies from the enemy that she was almost an invalid for a number of years. Until the truth of Christ set her free and healed her.

          One of the reasons I believe the Lord is calling me to do this ministry is because I didn’t have anyone to explain the baby steps I needed to hear to learn to be a godly wife. People would say general things like, “Don’t worry.” But I didn’t have the tools to understand how to deal with all the sin, lies, wrong thinking, control, and unbelief in the Lord that were fueling my worry. So it was not helpful to just say to me, “You shouldn’t worry.”

          Churches should be hospitals where we are binding up the broken and wounded and where people receive healing in Christ and mentoring and discipleship about the basic things of the faith. This would include helping those who have been severely wounded learn to build a healthy, godly character and life with the power of Jesus.

          EVERY human being has innate worth. And when we are in Christ, we also have value and worth because of all that He gives to us. Let’s see if we can hash through things a bit together here – let me know if I am addressing the things you are talking about. 🙂

          Here is something I shared with a sister in Christ who was suffering from the effects of people being racist against her. Are some of these things the kinds of issues that would be helpful?

          —————

          At this time, it is time to let go of wanting these people’s approval. Their approval can’t matter any more. God’s approval has to be all that matters. There are those whose consciences have been seared by hatred. You can’t fix them. You can’t change them. You can’t force them to understand that you are equally valuable in God’s eyes. Only the Lord can wake someone up from sin and lies like that. It is not your job to please them. It is not your job to prove anything to them. Or anyone else on the planet.

          Those people will not judge you when this life is over. Their opinions mean nothing in light of eternity. They will have to stand and give an account to the Lord for their motives, thoughts, words, and, actions. You will give an account for yourself. God’s opinion and judgment is all that means anything in the end. He is the only Audience we need to seek to please.

          It’s time to lay down the idol of people’s approval. People pleasing.

          Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings …
          … For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please
          man? … For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? …
          //biblehub.com/galatians/1-10.htm – 19k
          John 12:43 for they loved human praise more than praise from God.
          … for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God. … For the
          praise of men was dearer to them than the approval of God. …
          //biblehub.com/john/12-43.htm – 17k

          Do not receive lies from Satan through the mouths of these people or anyone else. Compare everything that those accusing voices and imaginary voices say to the Word. Reject the lies. Receive God’s truth alone. Here is God’s truth:

          – You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Ps. 139:14
          – You are created by the Lord and made in His image, like all other people are. Gen. 1:27
          – In Christ, there is no race, gender, or social class distinction. We are all joint-heirs with Him. Gal. 3:28
          – You are part of the Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ. That is your identity. Rom. 12:5, 1 Cor. 12:27
          – Your old sinful self is dead. Dead to this world. Dead to its ways. Crucified and buried with Christ. Rom. 6
          – You are a new creation in Christ Jesus, the old has gone, the new has come. Gal. 6:15, 2 Cor. 5:17
          – Your identity is now that you are IN CHRIST. Christ in you, the hope of glory. Col. 1:27

          Please search my blog home page for:

          – insecurity
          – security
          – identity
          – what does God say about me

          You are set free in Jesus from all of the hateful words and attitudes you experienced. That was sin on their part. You don’t have to participate in or receive their sin. You don’t have to receive their words and hate. Their words were from the enemy. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. All you have to do is receive who Jesus is and who He says you are in Him. And you will be set free.

          Praying for the Spirit to bring you revelation and freedom today!

          1. Anonymous,
            And ALL of us who are in Christ have access to ALL of Him and ALL of His healing. You have every bit as much access to the purity and holiness He offers to you as any other believer. Jesus clothes us all with His own righteousness. You can receive it for yourself. 🙂 would that be something helpful to discuss in more detail? I am thinking there may be some very specific lies that girls who were so severely abused may believe. If we can see the lies, we can address them and replace them with the truth of God.

            1. Anonymous,

              Maybe it would be helpful for women who have undergone such abuse to get to hear the basics, the things we would teach our daughters from the time they are little and things we share as they get older. Things like:

              – No one gets to touch your body in these ways.
              – If someone touches you in an inappropriate way, tell him no, get away from him right away.
              – You don’t have to hug anyone you dno’t want to hug.
              – Only your husband gets to touch the areas covered by a bathing suit.
              – Sex is sacred, only for marriage. When it is outside of marriage, it hurts you.
              – Sex in marriage is good and beautiful. Like fire in a fireplace.
              – Sex outside of marriage is destructive. like fire on the living room floor.
              – Here are examples of touching that are usually safe – shaking hands, a fist bump, a high five. Sometimes a side hug or a hug where only your shoulders touch the other person. But only if you are comfortable with it.
              – Your body belongs to you and is a gift from God. No one gets to abuse your body or misuse it.
              – Don’t make a lot of eye contact with men to whom you are not married.
              – Don’t be alone with men to whom you are not married.
              – Don’t have private conversations with men to whom you are not married.
              – If you notice you are feeling attracted to someone other than your husband, separate yourself from that guy ASAP. Talk to a godly mentoring wife.
              – Be willing to question your ideas about God, your body, sex, yourself, and relationships. A lot of the things you grew up believing are not healthy. A lot of things need to be torn out and replaced with God’s good design and His truth.
              – You have worth because Jesus loves you and God made you.
              – You are just as precious and valuable as any one else God created.
              – God has good plans for your life.
              – You don’t have to ever let a man use you for sex again.
              – Your body is not public property. Other people do not get to touch you. You can speak up if smoeone does that and get away.
              – This is what healthy sex looks like and feels like in marriage. It is safe, loving, kind, tender, it is about both spouses enjoying each other not one person using the other for selfish gratification.

              Is this maybe more of the kind of thing women may need? 💜❤️💜

          2. Hi April:

            This might be slightly off topic, but you mentioned some things about “hugs” that I would like to hear more about. I 100% agree with “You don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to hug.” I actually think I would say the same thing about even fist bumps to a child I was raising! :)… But I was very surprised when I learned that a simple friendly hug was “generally” seen as a “sexual” thing by a group of conservatives I have interacted with in recent times.

            Re “Sometimes a side hug or a hug where only your shoulders touch the other person.” Maybe I am weird, but I never even heard of side hugs until I started hearing of the Duggars a few years ago. I am not sure if it’s a cultural thing, but at a church that I have attended “hugs” are frowned upon. It is different to me, I greet many of my friends with hugs and while I think it is wise for both adults and children to be mindful of physical interactions with others, I cannot understand the suggestion that hugs outside of those with families – are “generally inappropriate.” I also realize that every group has their own culture. I visited a church and when they asked if there were visitors, some of the members greeted the first time visitors as a way of welcoming them. While I don’t endorse hugging strangers, I received that graciously because I knew that the intent was to show friendliness, even if that is not how I would greet strangers myself.

            I would not want to hug anyone I am uncomfortable hugging and I would say the same thing to kids. However, I sometimes wonder if we don’t sexualize everything…that’s how I feel as it relates to a “broad-brush” negative view of hugs at the original church I attend. I am not naïve – I know there are perverts out there…I know that some people have sinful intents. However, I found it strange that there are people who see greeting a friend with a hug or hugging a friend to say congrats etc. is generally inappropriate. It seems overly conservative to me, but I appreciate that everyone sees things differently.

            1. prayinglikehannah,

              When I was growing up, I hugged almost everyone. Never thought a thing about it. I still am fine with hugging people in a lot of situations. However, we have had a number of issues come up in schools and even, very sadly, at our church, recently where adults did some very inappropriate touching with children and youth. So – I do think there are reasons to be more cautious sometimes. And, of course, there are cultural and personal differences with an issue like this.

              If it is a woman who was sexually abused by her dad or pastor or something, which it the group I am attempting to address with this comment, I think they may need a bit more empowerment to know that they don’t have to let people hug them. But – I am not an expert on the topic. I’m sure there will be different opinions. 🙂

              I used to be a lot more likely to hug lots of different friends’ husbands. But now, I am more careful. I know that it can be easy for some people to misinterpret a friendly hug as a lot more than that. And there are some wives that get really upset if another woman hugs their husband at all. So – if it is a very close friend of the family, I may briefly hug the husband, if I know it isn’t a problem for them. But many times, these days, I opt for hand-shaking instead.

              It is mostly a matter of personal convictions and knowing the sensitivity of those around us, I believe.

              Much love!

          3. Hi April, I’ve been really challenged by your comments on people pleasing. I always feel that I have too much to do and last week I heard a voice in my head saying “what are you trying to prove?”. Do you have any practical advice as to how to not take on too much!? I think it may be a habit as much as anything. Thanks!

          4. Hi April, thanks for the reply, I have just been reading the articles. I found the “Are you able to say no” article most reflected my experience. It’s not that the things I am saying yes to are bad is that I just end up saying to yes to more things than I have time to do. Sometimes the most important things get postponed as it is easy to think “oh I’ll just get these little things done and then there will be time to really think and work on the important stuff”.
            I work full time and it is prioritising at work that is my biggest challenge and some work spills over into home life but not too much I hope. One thing I have found out is how much just being in the same room as my husband helps (even if we’re doing different things).
            So I think my biggest challenges are at work and making time for the most important. I can’t do everything so I need to do the things that only I can do – the big bold steps!
            Thank you for listening
            Cariad

            1. Cariad,

              It can be really hard to say, “No.” Especially at work. You want to be respectful to your boss and coworkers and be a team player. But finding balance can be tough. It helped me to realize that when I said yes to more time at work, I was saying no to my family. But it is not always an easy thing to find that perfect balance. You don’t want to jeopardize your job.

              I like what you are thinking and your plans right now. Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

  7. I wish there was more information on what older virgins are supposed to do–many Christian articles talk as though you’re going to get married at 18 or 20. While I know masturbation is wrong, I often feel guilty being 30 years old, and not knowing another outlet for the desires I have. I normally imagine my “husband” (no one specific, more of just a general person) and myself, and things I hope to try someday, in the privacy of our home–rather than some one-night-stand fantasy, but I still feel like I’m letting God down every time.

    1. WL,

      I actually do have some resources that may be a blessing. This is an extremely common issue. You are not alone at all. 🙂 The tricky thing with this issue is that the Bible doesn’t specifically say that masturbation is a sin. And I don’t want to label something as sin if God doesn’t. That would be putting a heavy manmade yoke on people’s necks. Of course, there are things that tend to fuel and go with masturbation that are definitely sins. Here are some posts that may be helpful.

      My greatest concern is that we take our motives, desires, and pain to the Lord. He can help us deal with these things. He can also give us power to live in purity. If we are seeking Him first and seeking to live in purity in ways that honor Him, that is the very best thing. Being filled with the Spirit is the real answer to our dilemmas over issues like this.

      Check these out…

      Sexual Fantasy and Masturbation

      Masturbation – Is It a Sin According to the Bible? from http://www.gotquestions.org

      Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord – by Justin Campbell, a 40 year old Christian single man

      Is Jesus Enough? – by Justin Campbell

      Sex and the Single Person – by John Piper (10 suggestions to singles and how to handle sexual desire at the bottom of the article.)

      If Your Right Hand Causes You to Sin – by http://www.desiringgod.org

      How to Deal with the Guilt of Sexual Failure for the Glory of Christ

      This Is the Will of God for You: That You Abstain from Sexual Immorality – by John Piper

      Is Masturbation a Sexual Sin – by http://www.xxxchurch.com

      8 Practical Tips to Quit Masturbating – by http://www.xxxchurch.com

      Masturbation Addiction Help for Women – by http://www.xxxchurch.com

      Is Masturbation Helping Me Stay Pure? – by http://www.xxxchurch.com

  8. To All, hurting or otherwise,

    I feel led to share some things from all ends of the spectrum on this issue. I’ve been the one who felt constantly rejected. I’ve been the one to feel like I’d rather do anything other than have sex with my husband at particular moments. I’ve also been to a point where the marriage is totally great, God is first in our lives, and we both tend to not really pay that much attention to sex, and neither of us is lacking, or wanting, or being rejected even though we are not really pursuing it from each other.

    In the beginning of the journey here, I was super rejected because of all the disrespect. My husband flat out told me he was not attracted to me because of it. It made him NOT want to have sex with me or even be around me. But that only made me MORE upset and more disrespectful. When I felt this way, and had what seems to me now like out of control sexual desire for my husband, it was all because my heart and mind was focused on MYSELF and getting what I wanted from my husband that he was not giving me. I was absolutely relying on how much he had sex with me to feel loved.

    The Lord, in His love and wisdom, would never allow me to find in that what I desired because He had something much better for me than that!

    And like so many women, I had to learn to let go of what I wanted, and see things from God’s perspective, and realize my own sin, and let go of it, and go a different way, the way of respect and denying myself in this way. And the Lord in His love let me experience HIS LOVE in place of the false love I so desired in this other thing, and I was set free from seeking in sex or my husband what could only be found in the Lord!

    On the other end, there have been times/seasons when I was so close to the Lord and my husband was far from Him, and not treating me the greatest, but that is when my husband MOST pursued me, when I was NOT interested in it! But I did not reject him and would always get warmed up to him in that time, but nevertheless, I was not desiring it at all. It is because I had something in the Lord that made me not want anything else to fill me up. I was being satisfied by the Lord’s love, and needed nothing else to satisfy me!

    And then a more current situation where my husband and I have both found the Lord to be the most important to us, and it seems as though our sexual desires are no longer out of control or imbalanced. We can live together and be happy without feeling like we need to constantly have sex. Plus, after a while, it gets old and its almost better to wait longer so that it is actually more enjoyable it seems.

    All in all, I truly believe that when we have our heart set on sex, or anything else for that matter, other than the Lord, we will find that we can not acquire it if we belong to Jesus Christ. He will thwart us, even though sex. marriage, godly families, etc. are all GOOD things, if they are our ULTIMATE thing, and Jesus Christ is NOT, He will have to thwart us from attaining it so that we will be content with Christ alone!

    Of course, it isn’t wrong to desire our husband sexually, and if they are never interested, that would be a major issue, I would say. And if we have truly let it go, and set our heart on Christ, and have come to a place where we can be content WITH or WITHOUT sex even — then the Lord may have other plans and perhaps it is just one of those things in life that we don’t fully understand.

    I feel like if we can come to a place where sexual desires are under control completely, that is actually a mark of maturity. When we are carnal, that is when our sexual desires are out of control and imbalanced it seems. But when we are living by the Spirit, we have self-control, even in this area. Life is more than sex with our husbands. Anyone who has tasted and seen that the Lord is good knows that.

    Sex becomes a gift or blessing rather than the end all of life when the Lord is in His rightful place in our hearts!

    I pray for any hurting wife that she may find that balance and wait upon the Lord to work in her husband’s heart and life, and seek the grace to accept whatever the Lord is pleased to give in this hard situation!

  9. Hi April, I would love to hear your thoughts on how to maintain open and positive intimacy in marriage. I feel like it can be like walking on eggshells to discuss our true desires with our husbands at times because we don’t want to turn them away or bruise their egos. Thanks!

    1. new creation,

      If you would like him to do something, it depends on how tense things are. But if he is feeling pretty respected in general, you can simply respectfully ask for what you would like. Usually once is enough. You can say something like, “You know what I would really love? I think it would be so neat if we could try X” – with a smile and friendly facial expressions and body language.

      If you can tell your husband what he does that you like and focus on positive things, that often helps. Husbands often respond well to a wife giving obvious signs that she enjoys things. Sighs, words of delight/ecstasy. Words of affirmation that you like something a lot.

      If there is something he is doing that is painful or unpleasant, instead of pointing that out specifically, sometimes it can be helpful to gently move his hands or share something you would like.

      I have a section on sex in my book that goes into quite a bit of detail about how to approach our husbands about things sexually in respectful ways and also some approaches to avoid.

      I also have a post about asking for things respectfully that may be helpful.

      Is this helpful, or is there a more specific situation you have in mind? 🙂

  10. Dear April,

    First of all i need to thank u for your blog. Its guided me since i was single until now, married to a godly husband and with one baby boy 🙂

    And before i continue i apologize in advance for requesting help here because i read u no longer do mentoring. But i wish someone here might read this and help out.

    Ever since i had my baby 4 months ago my husbands become distant. Hes religious and has strong beliefs in being a great father and husband but doesnt do that in action.

    I used to have so much fear of our relationship changing, id put extra effort in preventing so to happen. I never ask for help..i keep myself and the house and everything perfect. Im always gentle and kind to him. I dont cling to him or anything. Always just here if he needs me. But even so, he doesnt miss me. He rarely talks to me anymore. He doesnt flirt. Doesnt initiate sex anymore only does these things out of guilt. I try talking to him that i miss him (in our area i dont know anyone but he has many friends) so i feel lonely. If i dont cry hed never think of taking me out. And hes reallly religious, so im not worried about infedility or anything. But hed rather be at church or studying all the time…if i want us to have time together he makes me feel like its a burden on him and hes just doing so out of guilt. Im glad hes close to god but i miss him. Im tired of making time for us only to be replsced, ignored, or avoided.

    Theres no abuse happening or anything. But he tells me i should be grateful hes not going out drinking or partying etc. I should be happy enough having food and water. And if we go out we visit parents /:

    Thank to anyone who can help..im really desperate because ive tried everything.

    Some things hes tried to explain to me are:

    He doesnt want me to nag him. But if i completely let him do as he wants he would be out 24/7 hes always at the church or preaching or with his friends.

    He misses having freewill and nothing holding him back.

    I feel like hes being selfish 🙁

    Please help 🙁 ♡

    1. Amy,

      Thank you so much for reaching out. This is a pretty common thing after a baby is born, for a husband to distance himself, or to feel distant or un-included.

      Would it be okay if I ask a few questions to try to get a better feel for what may be going on?

      Much love!

        1. Amy,

          Awesome! 🙂 Take your time in answering…

          1. How is your walk with the Lord going? What are you doing to nourish your soul on a daily basis?

          2. What kind of experiences does your husband usually have when he is home with you? Pleasant? Friendly? Or are you mostly pretty upset and crying?

          3. Do you believe you may be having any issues with hormones at all? How are you sleeping?

          4. It sounds like this may be relatively new behavior on his part? Is that correct? What were things like before?

          5. What does he say he would like to see change in the marriage?

          6. What are your greatest fears? What do you do with them?

          7. What are your greatest dreams?

          8. What do you desire most in your walk with Christ?

          9. What do you think needs to happen in the marriage for it to heal?

          Much love!

    2. Amy,

      I just want to share a few things I’ve learned along this way you are going because it sounds so familiar to me! I have heard the same expressions from my husband about being glad he is not going out and doing ungodly things, and that I should be happy and content in any and every situation because I am lacking nothing in life!

      What I ended up realizing after the long drawn out painful process is that what my husband could sense all the time was that I was NOT content with the way things were. I was anything but happy that he would rather to X,Y,Z than spend time with me, etc, even though XYZ were GOOD things!

      Even if I did everything “perfect” according to godly wives and women, if I was truly not happy or content in my heart with the Lord alone, it was written all over my face and my husband avoided me at all costs because he felt this unseen pressure on him to make me happy and to do what I wanted in order for me to be content in life!

      Even if I never said anything about how I felt, he could “sense” it! And he was right every time!!!!

      But when I was truly letting go of my “rights” to my husband in the marriage, and setting my heart on the Lord, and finding all of my peace and contentment in having the Presence of Christ in my heart, then that unseen burden was lifted from my husband and he always came around to me! I didn’t have to say or do anything different — it was all a heart thing!!!!

      April is right — I remember reading maybe even on her singles page one time that guys can “smell” idolatry from a mile away! They can sense from a mile away that we are putting them above all else in our heart and that we are seeking in them what only Christ can give us!!!!!

      It is just a thought, sister. It isn’t wrong to want your husband to be around more and help more, etc. and to spend time with you. But if you can just see this experience through the eyes of Heaven, and see that maybe your heart is wanting something that the Lord wishes you would only look to the Lord Jesus for— you may find deliverance in a renewed mind about the whole situation.

      The Lord is the SOURCE from which all blessings flow. And He is jealous of your heart. He wants your heart to be reaching out to the Lord Jesus, not even your own husband. And when you truly turn to the Lord and let go of your husband and wanting certain things from him, you will be filled with such joy and peace, your husband will most likely come right around to you without you even seeking him to!!!!!! 🙂

      I pray this becomes a reality for you and that you get to experience the true blessing that is found is letting go of all to find life in Christ alone!!!!

      Love,
      Amanda

  11. You know what I think would be neat? To have a big collaboration of Christian single ladies, married women, separated/divorced women, and widows to be able to share their wisdom about how God can empower us in times when we must be celibate. There are so many reasons why we may face this long term. Even in marriage. I would love to have resources for women that are encouraging, uplifting, and life-giving.

    1. April,

      Just like everything else in life that we have to face and let go of, if we are in a time where we HAVE to be celibate, what will come up is OUR WILL in contrast to the WILL OF GOD. That is ALWAYS where the battle lies! When we can’t do or have or be what we want, right now, that is what makes it so much harder to face and let go of it!

      If we are in a time where we have to be celibate, it will come down to this: are we going to accept that this is GOD’S WILL for us right now? Or are we going to kick and fight against it, clinging to our own will in the matter, and seeking to save our lives and MAKE our will happen?

      The reason it is so hard to do anything we don’t want to do is because we don’t want to do it! We want something else, something other than God’s will at the moment! And that is the battle we all face in so many different things in life. But just as in this situation, the Lord is seeking to create in us the Spirit of Christ that LETS GO OF ALL, empties ALL of self, that God may fill us up with His All! We have to let go of our own will in order to come into all that God is purposing!

      The longer we cling to our own will and way in life, the more miserable, dry, and fleshly we become.

      But the sooner we surrender to His will in any moment and season in our life, the sooner our heart is filled to overflowing with the peace, rest, and presence of God which FAR surpasses any fleeting sexual pleasure we may get by having our will instead of His!

      He is seeking to make Christ Lord and our All in All when things in life do not go our way!! <3

      1. Satisfied Wife,

        Love this! Thank you so much for sharing. I have been in a similar situation for an extended period of time in the past, multiple times, for various reasons. And I found the same thing to be true. When I focused on dying to self and laid down my will and my desires, and focused on God’s will and His desires and what He wanted to teach me in that time, things went so much better.

      2. I am pretty sure that I am clinging to what the world AND Christian community seems to be obsessed with – Sex is man’s number 2 need, and it better be happening for your marriage to survive. I read, listen to, watch pretty much every Christian resource on marriage and this message is bombarding. It makes me feel that I am not pleasing the Lord because my husband and I don’t have sex (a few times a year) and it makes me feel like we won’t make it, and then it makes me feel like I must be deceived thinking our marriage is good because if it was good then why wouldn’t either one of us want to have sex?! We seem to be on the same page as far as not needing it! Are we both deceived? It’s so confusing, and yes, I know the enemy is the author of confusion.

        1. louise lewis,

          That is the thing, you are allowing man made “rules” or what ever you want to call it, dictate your life and thoughts as to this topic and your marriage. Who is anyone to say what your life, sex life, marriage, or anything else is to be like, except the Lord?

          We can all try all we want to live up to the “perfect” ideal marriage, sex life, raising children, being godly, etc. etc. —- but what I’ve found is that the more we try to do anything and “flx” our life to fit into what the world says is right, even “christianity” and what it says is supposed to be right, the more it DOESN’T WORK OUT and our plans are frustrated to no end!

          But when we put the Lord first and seek Him above all else, that is when the Lord leads us and opens our eyes and we find out that all along, His will was being done, and then we are open to hear from Him as to specific issues in our lives/marriages, etc.

          But if we continue to turn aside to men, who depend on the Lord for their very breath, instead of turning to the Lord alone for all things, the farther and farther we get from the truth, and end up confused, depressed, and feeling like we have made a horrible mess of our life.

          I encourage you to turn to the Lord alone, and let go of all the “ideals” out there, and seek God to know Him and Him alone, that He might lead you and speak to you!

          Love,
          Amanda

        2. Louise Lewis,

          One more thing I wanted to share —– God’s desire is to conform us all to Christ in our hearts. How does having sex enough in our marriage actually help to accomplish God’s purpose in our lives?

          You have your eyes on the wrong thing if you are worried about not pleasing the Lord by not having enough sex!

          Sex is an earthly thing that represents a spiritual thing (our union in spirit with the Lord Jesus).

          But at the end of the day, how does having sex actually make us more like Jesus Christ?

          If anything, sex is an earthly, carnal pleasure that the Lord has made the means of offspring being produced. But it symbolizes something much more valuable (our union with the Lord in spirit which produces spiritual fruit/offspring)!

          Just a thought!

        3. Louise Lewis,

          Marriage books and blogs speak in generalizations out of necessity. But even if 80% of men want to have sex every other day or multiple times per week in a certain age range, that is not true for 100% of men. And if your man has medical issues, ED, low testosterone, and a very low libido – it doesn’t matter what “most men” want or what “most men need.” What matters is your own husband and your own level of satisfaction. If you are both totally content without any sex at all, there is no reason you can’t live like that. Eventually that is where we will all be in our marriages if we live long enough.

          I vote that you probably don’t need to be reading about sex on marriage blogs and in books. It is only going to upset you unnecessarily. If you are both content and you are both living in purity and neither of you are tempted elsewhere, that is fine. Be content and enjoy each other in the ways you enjoy each other. 🙂

          You may not both be deceived. You may both be totally fine. The only problem might be the expectations you are bringing into the marriage from reading these marriage resources. It’s fine to read about marriage – but, for you – it may be wise to skip all the parts about sex.

          Much love!

  12. I know this is a ladies space here, but I thought maybe a guy’s POV might give some peace of mind here. First off, I have to say I am surprised (and moved) that women are publicly voicing a desire for more intimacy with their husbands. Most often you read it the other way around. Anyway, I admire the courage you ladies are showing here in a world that doesn’t seem to think men can do anything right anymore. Which leads me to my 2 cents….

    As a married guy of 4 years, I have to admit that I have become rather jaded on this subject matter. Honestly, I can’t complain about my own marriage but when I look around me the atmosphere is rather suffocating. Men just simply can’t do anything right in the eyes of society these days. We’re told repeatedly by feminists and feminist-influenced women that we’re all thugs, rapists, sexual harassers, etc. Saying “hello” to a woman you don’t know next to you on the elevator is apparently sexually harassment to some. In fact Jesus talking to the woman at the well would probably be labeled sexual harassment by some.

    Now, I am not saying there aren’t lascivious men (there certainly is), but this witch hunt sadly is just getting started. Several colleges have already been sued by male students who were denied due process. Betsy DeVos is working on reversing the kangaroo court system setup in universities by Obama admin directives. You also have news reports of female teachers taking advantage of male students every other week, but no one is crying “crisis” on that situation. When men are verbally abused by their wives, “they deserve it.” If a man does the same to a woman, its “domestic abuse.” Anytime a guy expresses sexual desire, the jokes abound about male sexuality. I rarely hear male sexuality being spoken of in a positive light these days. As a guy, I can’t imagine anything being more of a turn off than constantly being ridiculed for having a male perspective on sex.

    Maybe decent guys just don’t sell newspapers so you only hear about the bad things guys do. The end result is a culture of women that find fault in everything men do and blame it on the fact that they are men (something that cannot change). Although my wife isn’t a man-basher by any means, sometimes I just can’t help but to think I would have been better off moving to the middle of nowhere Alaska so that I don’t have to listen to all this nonsense from the general public. There are many guys out there like me with some going as far as joining the MGTOW movement. I think many of their positions are extreme and unlikely to yield any progress, but I think that is where things are headed for men sadly. At some point you just sick and tired of trying when everything you do is condemned especially by the ones you are attracted to.

    I would say to the ladies here, even if you don’t act like many women do these days, your husbands have ears and they can hear what is going on in society at large. Reassure him that those women don’t speak for you and be honest and forward with what you want.

    1. JRiani,

      You have been married 4 years? WOW. I remember when you were engaged!

      Thanks for your perspective. It is a very tough environment for our men today in our culture. We have a 15 year old son – and this is not really the world I want him to have to experience.

      My heart breaks for the damage the messages of our culture have caused to our men, our women, our marriages, and our families. I am praying for God to heal us and help us turn back to Him!

      1. @April: Yes, 4 years next month. Time flies! Although I don’t doubt that you raised an intelligent son, my advise to him is when he goes to college he needs to think like a lawyer from day 1. That is to say 1) Never be alone with a woman anywhere; 2) Avoid parties with alcohol; 3) Alcohol and young women especially don’t mix well….according to the legal system the responsibility is all on the guy; 4) Do not flirt, express interest in, or get too caught up in female friendships. If he really wants to date, he is best off using an online dating platform where he can do some quality control in advance. It is not perfect but its better than having your intentions mistaken.

  13. Thank you Peaceful Wife,

    Let’s go back to the Scriptures:

    I Corinthians 7, 1-6

    1Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

    I realize that it is not necessarily as simple as this in life as we know it, but I believe that we must live with this as an ideal.

    We live in such a fallen world that it is so easy to sin sexually outside marriage and be adulterous within marriage that feeding each other with constant love is a way of holding satan at bay.

    Jesuscentreoflife

    1. jesuscentreoflife,

      Yes, this is what we are to strive for – to be spouses who are willing to be available to our spouses sexually and who are willing to take care of issues that make it difficult for us to do so.

      Thanks for sharing this scripture.

  14. Hi April,

    Can you discuss wanting your husband to pursue you more? We like talk about having sex tonight or just do it and no kissing. I want him to come onto me, to try something on me, to get me in the mood by being romantic or hugging me from behind and kissing me etc. these aren’t bad desires? Can I tell him I want this? I fear I’ll be too needy, have too many expectations or he’ll be thrown off and feel like if he does these things it’s forced 😔 but I want sex to be fun with my husband like it used to be

    1. Sarah1990,

      We can definitely talk about this. If things are going pretty well in your marriage and there aren’t major issues, you may be able to have a fun conversation where you just talk to him and sweetly ask him questions (at a time when he is well-rested and receptive) like:

      – What kinds of things turn you on the most?
      – How do you like me to touch you?
      – Are there things you’d like to see me wear that get you excited?

      And then you could maybe take a turn, if things are going well and say something like…

      – You know what would be SO amazing to me? It would absolutely sweep me off my feet if you ever just came up behind me in the kitchen and hugged me from behind. I think that is SO romantic and sexy. Or if you get all hungry for me and just start coming on to me, I would love that.

      Of course, the trick is, don’t pressure him or demand these things. Share them with him in a respectful way that is positive, not blaming like, “What’s wrong with you? Are you not a real man? Why don’t you ever….?” That would backfire. But if you just casually let him know some things you would like without pressuring him and if you invite him to share and then you act on the things he likes sometimes, that may help a lot.

      If he doesn’t do those things right away, be gracious. You have shared your desires. Now the rest is up to him. Be content and appreciative with anything sweet, kind, and loving he does for you.

      Much love!

    2. Sara1990,

      Here is a comment from a husband on another post a long time ago that he gave me permission to share that may also be helpful..

      Thanks for addressing this topic. I’ve had conversations with my wife when she suggested that she’s been on a bullhorn and putting up billboards to initiate. I’ve had to learn her VERY subtle methods of initiating.

      If there was a point when the man initiated often and was rebuffed often, his antennae might not be up for his wife’s initiation. It’s like in public speaking, when you think you’re being overly expressive, you’re barely scratching the surface. Sometimes a woman might think she’s being obvious but she’s not.

      I would encourage a woman to ask her husband if he’s even aware that she’s initiating.

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. I'm so glad we can walk this road together.

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