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5 Easy Ways to Ruin Valentine's Day (Or Not)

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Wish I had seen this post earlier… but it is still very good! 🙂

20 thoughts on “5 Easy Ways to Ruin Valentine's Day (Or Not)”

  1. April, thanks so much for reposting this! That was very sweet of you. Like I said–lots of these thoughts were inspired by your book. 🙂 I also wish I had realized the harm I was doing to my marriage early on. But thankful God has been gracious enough to show me my sin, and that His Spirit, little by little, empowers me to choose a new direction.

  2. The title of this post really caught my attention, because on Valentine’s Day the devil really tried to move between myself and my husband. But God. My valentines night ended on a happy note. Thanks for sharing.

  3. 2016 valentines day was the easiest ever!
    you see, we are broke. Not just kinda broke, its like the car payment is late and the dog needs surgery and the dog has to suffer-kind of broke. My boys (adults) all pitched in to make dinner for the gals and my younger children. No elaborate gifts, no expected gifts. Lean over, push easy button!!
    Don’t get me wrong, the lack of money is very stressful but the strain of yearly valentines was relaxing this year.
    Otherwise my wife would expect a restaurant reservation and for me obviously, to arrange it.

  4. This is kind of irrelevant to this post but I need to know… Is it possible we can make a huge huge mistake and marry the wrong person? 3 years into it, awful, we can’t get it right some days we think we love each other most days we are screaming.. Looking back I see signs that maybe God was trying to keep me from marrying my husband but he was always praying with me then saying we need to stick it out bc we both felt God telling us to marry each other but now I wonder if I was just young in love and didn’t know about the hardships of marriage and I find myself really wondering if God wants me to get a divorce? I don’t have a clear answer and I don’t know. We have been trying to get pregnant but it just doesn’t happen, neither one of us with medical problems known so I wonder if God is keeping me from being attached to this man. This pains me to say these things and it hurts him but if I really am being honest, I’m wondering truly if I made a mistake and need to get out

    1. Confused,

      I’m so sorry things are very hard. Honestly, I think that most people feel this way at some point – and this is often the point where we begin to realize we can’t be godly wives on our own or have a godly marriage in our own strength and we begin to look to God more for help.

      I do want to check to be sure you aren’t experiencing severe issues – and then, if you are ready, I would love to walk beside you on the journey to allow God to change your heart and to heal you and to pour healing into your marriage. 🙂

      Do either of you have any uncontrolled mental health issues, active addictions, major unrepentant sin, or is there abuse going on?

      What is your relationship with Christ? 🙂

      Once you are married, God’s will is for the marriage to work and for the marriage to be healed and to thrive. God hates divorce, so I don’t believe He is leading you to get a divorce. Thankfully, God is very clear about this in His Word. (The Bible and Divorce)

      I’m sure you are hurting. But thankfully – I believe, in Christ, there is every reason for hope! I have seen Him heal hundreds of wives and marriages around the world.

      Much love to you! I’m so glad you are reaching out for help. 🙂

  5. well.. no abuse for sure. No mental health issues, even though my husband says i have bi-polar and anger issues which i would call being a female, emotions, and PMS. as far as unrepentant sin and active addictions… idk, sometimes i wonder if my husband is addicted to somethings… he would say no. He would say he doesnt have to drink or care to drink, but he does a lot, not like coming home drunk but loves to go out to his buddies and drink/smoke and leave me at home alone. Unrepentant sin, i believe my husband and i both have pride issues, i may have lust issues. i think about old boyfriends because i feel many times my husband is not available to me because he’s gone.. seems he prefers to be with friends. maybe i am disrespectful and he cant stand to be around me even though i try so hard to be a good wife. I caught him in a few lies, where he tells me he’s at work but i find out he went to his friends house or a bar…. happened last night.
    That is killing my trust.

    Also we have an appointment with a marriage counceling class tonight and i havent spoken to him all day because of last night….. i dont know if i want to go to the class bc i dont want to even be near him. i have deep hurt.
    my relationship with christ is good sometimes i just wonder why he lets some things happen but i think its bc he wants me to let go of control but its like why am i hurting but i hate to question god i feel terrible ive been doing that lately but i cant help my feelings..

    1. confused,

      The awesome news for you is that THIS can be healed! If you want God and you want God to heal you – I can show you the way. I can’t do the hard work for you. Some parts are really painful – but I would be glad to walk beside you on this journey. If you would like to move forward, just say the word and we will take the first baby step together. 🙂

      Much love!

      1. i would very much like that April.
        we did attend the class last night, right before we went in we were screaming at each other and talking about divorce. the class was about COVENANT..
        we both left the class in tears and after a long conversation we made a promise to each other to never speak of divorce again, and both said we want to work it out.
        God opened my eyes to many many things last night through speaking of covenant and i am extremely dissapointed in myself for thinking about breaking that covenant. im thankful for the revelations i recieved but
        i believe we still BOTH have a long long way to go but i am very ready to change… during our talk last night i talked only about the wounds ive caused in my husband, my disrespect, my disloyalty.. i only focused on my sin towards him and didnt bring up one thing he does that tears me down and hurts me even though i wanted to so bad, ive been bringing those things up for YEARS and wanted to try something new…

        but i do want to ask you a question because i feel it is a big stumbling block for me (& possibly my husband) in my own marriage.

        how do you feel about married men hanging out with single guy friends?
        how do you feel about married men hanging out with single guy friends at a bar? ( sometimes single men and ones who are married )

        this is concerns coming from a wife whos husband holds time with his friends, his “unwind” time and guy time, VERY high in his priorities just fyi

        thanks for your time and concern for my marriage, god bless you

        1. confused,

          WOOHOO! I praise God that you had such biblical counsel about covenant! THAT IS AWESOME!

          If you will search my home page for a few topics:

          – respect
          – disrespect
          – control
          – godly femininity

          I think you may begin to understand a bit more about what is happening in your marriage. But – what it initially sounds like to me, from your description, is that your husband may feel more accepted and respected hanging out with his single guy friends at a bar than he feels at home. Not that he should do that. But men tend to go where they feel most accepted and respected. If they feel extremely disrespected, belittled, condemned, criticized, looked-down-upon, and insulted at home – they will tend to find other places to go.

          As you focus on allowing God to change your heart and your walk with Him and yourself as a woman and wife, I believe you will see God bring healing to you both. 🙂

          Much love to you!

          Please also search “A Fellow Wife”‘s posts. She had a similar issue. But God has healed her marriage so much as she focused on herself and healing in her own heart and mind with the power and truth of Christ.

  6. Thank you April, i do kind of sense God leading me to focus on me, maybe find a hobby, see my girlfriends more often, join a womens group. not to purposely spend time away from my husband but just give him some space.. i saw on one of your posts from searching about disrespect, things your husband may say when he is feeling disrespected and he has said and does say like 90% of that list…. wow what have i done. Well i can’t focus on how much i’ve screwed up but can just go forward from here i guess. I also wonder if maybe i should stay quiet for a little while.. I tend to have an opinion about everything. always thinking i am right and that my opinion is very good and needs to be heard..

    1. confused,

      That sounds so much like where I was when I started this journey. I personally went through a very quiet phase for awhile.

      You may want to search:

      – apologizing stories
      – needy
      – how to make your husband an idol
      – But I’m right
      – control
      – fear
      – bitterness

      And continue to read about disrespect and respect. As you become a more godly woman and wife, filled up to overflowing with Christ, you won’t be so needy. You will be able to give your husband some space. You won’t feel so compelled to control him. But when he is home, he will start to feel more safe, more welcome, more accepted… and as he continues to experience this new reality when he comes home, over many weeks and months, he may just find that he enjoys being home more than he enjoys being at the bar with his single friend.

      Oh! My book The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord is on sale (the Kindle version) through today for $1.99. I explain all of the beginning steps of this journey there if you are interested. But there are tons of posts here that will be very helpful as you begin to learn. I am always glad to hear from you!

      Much love to you!

      1. thank you so much. i m going to continue my research on this. i really have never thought that if i was overflowing with christ then i wouldnt be so needy of my husband… wow that makes so much sense. i can’t wait until i am there, i know it is a journey though. i look forward to hopefully seeing my husband start to trust me one day, and it would be such a blessing through this change in me to see him actually want to spend time with me… i have already made plans throughout this week with some of my girlfriends and am going to a prayer meeting with my sister in law tonight. i cant wait to see what God will do if i can humble myself in this… please pray for me!
        thank you so much again for your guidance. i do not have kindle but i plan on getting your book right away!

  7. Hello. I am relatively new to your site. I can’t tell you how much help it has been. You see, I came here looking for answers to help fix him. And I found, that it was me who needed fixing. And I can only be responsible for me.

    It seems as though in the past few weeks that I’ve tried to adapt this mentality my marriage has reaped the benefits. I am having a bit of trouble with something though. Me and my husband both have smartphones. He has an app called “SnapChat” on his. Not sure if you’re familiar or not but from what I understand it’s where friends can send messages or pictures that last for however long they choose. He doesn’t have really any friends on this that I’m concerned with. Nor do i feel that he has done anything harmful to our marriage with this. But it does make me uneasy as I can see where problems could arise. I really don’t see why anyone, especially married people, should have this app. It just opens a world of possible deception, lies, secrets, etc… I have been bothered by this for a while, but never mentioned anything. I gently asked him Thursday if he would have a problem deleting the app. I assured him I didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. I just felt like we shouldn’t open doors to things we don’t have to. He basically said, “yeah, that’s no problem.” I’m not doing anything sneaky on here but if it bothers you I can delete it. We were both at peace. No big deal. No raised voices. No lingering hurt feelings.

    Everything was fine. Until… He didn’t delete it. Now, bear in mind he isn’t really technology savvy. But I didn’t say anything… Not Friday or Saturday. But finally last night, I asked him about our deal. I was very very calm. And tried to not use any words that could make him feel accused. But he seemed to get upset. He said, “I’m not doing anything wrong. I really don’t see a need to delete it.” I said, Ok, I believe you. But I still would like you to delete it. Now, after seeing him upset over this app, I admittedly was getting upset myself. But I really remained calm in my tone. I was sort of pushy with trying to get him to answer me. As I felt like he was ignoring all the things i was saying. He, finally, agreed to delete it today but was upset.

    Now… What do i do? What do I do if he doesn’t delete it? Did I mess up? I really had hoped for such a different response from him.

    1. Learning,

      It is so wonderful to hear from you! 🙂

      He may truly believe this app is innocent for him. Maybe it is. I don’t know his heart. I am familiar with the app. Our youth pastors at our church have warned us as parents and the students a number of times about the temptations and potential pitfalls of this app.

      I don’t know that you can force him to remove the app. Approaching him like an angry mom won’t help. Pressuring him won’t help. Either he just has different convictions than you do about that app, or maybe he is using it for something sneaky that could be destructive and is hiding it. I don’t know.

      You can ask for what you would like. Which you did. Now it is up to him to make this decision for himself. I believe giving him some time to think and to let God’s Spirit work in him is going to be more effective than trying to bulldoze him into something that he is not personally convicted about.

      It may be wise to assume he is not sinning with it. Do you have access to it? Are you able to see what he sends or posts?

      If he doesn’t remove the app, pray about how God would want you to handle this. How is your walk with Christ going? You can’t be your husband’s Holy Spirit. That doesn’t work. All that approach does is repel your husband from you and from God.

      But you can talk about things you respect and admire. You can tell him how much it means to you that y’all are faithful to each other in every way and that you can trust him. You can thank him for being a faithful husband. You can thank him for being a man of integrity. (Not all of these things at once, but just one sentence once or twice during the week, maybe.) You can mention things you respect about him.

      I love that you told him that you didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. That way he can be the hero, and not feel pegged as a villain.

      Also, please keep in mind that this is a matter of personal conviction. We don’t get to mandate that our husbands embrace all of our personal convictions, even if we have valid points about why we have our convictions. Check out this post about that.

      God may prompt you not to mention this again. I don’t know. I pray you will be very sensitive to His leading. Ultimately, your husband will need to take this app down because he believes it is best, not just because you want him to take it down. Although, it would be awesome if he would delete it just to honor you.

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you so much for responding and being so helpful. I just do not have to words to let you know how much your wisdom, learning and sharing has taught me over the last few weeks. It truly is my desire to be the wife God intended me to be. And I really do feel as though my husband loves me. And is faithful. We both really want to live a moral Godly life. My relationship with Christ I would say is in a shifting phase. I feel like I’m coming into a new season with growth and understanding. And lately… specifically learning how much he loves me. Just the way I am. And that is such a beautiful thing. Of course I feel like my husband could and should move “deeper” but don’t you teach against feeling that way 😉 He is a great dad, and great husband. He’s a gentle man. But I do feel that something about “the world” seems to appeal to him. I hate to even say that. But at times, I feel as though his “friends” co workers have a pull on him. You see, they’re the ones who got him into this app. They aren’t moral, christian people. But I am trying to understand that my husband is a grown man capable of making his own decisions. You asked if I had access to see what he posts or anything. Yes and no. I do not have SnapChat. But he doesn’t lock his phone and he leaves it laying around everywhere. And he doesn’t appear to delete any messages… But even without deleting, the messages and pictures can only be seen for around 12 or 24 hours. He doesn’t carry it with him outside or if he runs down the road or anything. So, really I feel like if something sneaky was going on, he wouldn’t leave it around the house unlocked. He doesn’t seem to check it often. And he has checked is numerous times with me laying right next to him. But still… I just don’t want the enemy to have another “something” to use against our marriage. So why even open the door, you know??

        You wrote in your reply, that I cannot be the Holy Spirit for him. I absolutely agree. I just find this really hard. I want him to succeed. I want my marriage to flourish. And at times, when he doesn’t see my point of view (convictions) it can hurt. I will try to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Blessings…

        1. Crawfosl,

          It sounds like your intentions are good. It sounds like his intentions are probably good, too. It also does not sound like he is hiding anything or is untrustworthy. So that is awesome!

          You did the right thing to share your concerns about that app. There are absolutely dangers and pitfalls. It can be a snare. So can the Internet in general, TV, books, friends, radio, and almost anything else in this life. What will inspire him most to want to be a man of integrity and honor is to see your godly attitude and respect and to see that you trust him, not that you treat him like a 13 year old boy who needs his mom to monitor his phone usage.

          God is able to bring conviction about things that are dangerous. Let’s pray together for God to speak to him if this issue is a problem in His sight. And in the meantime, focus on honoring and respecting your amazing husband and allowing God to continue to transform you. 🙂

          There is a post about holding this loosely that may be a blessing, about how we can trust God’s sovereignty. If you would like to, you may search my home page for “loosely.”

          This situation is a great time to learn to lay your concerns at God’s feet and to learn to depend on His Spirit for yourself and for your husand and to learn to rest in His love for you. 🙂

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