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When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You

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WARNING, LADIES: This post is a big-time trigger alert for some of you. If the thought of issue causes too much distress, and you are not emotionally/spiritually ready to read about it – please, please just skip it for now and focus on your identity in Christ and spiritual healing for yourself. 

I am going to share one wife’s story and how she believes God has led her to handle this painful issue. This may be a blessing to you if you are in a similar situation AND if you are emotionally and spiritually strong enough to face this thing head on. God may show you a different way to approach this issue. My prayer is that each wife will be sensitive to how God may desire her to handle her own marriage issues for His glory by His Spirit’s power. But the main point is that there is hope in Christ and that He can give us the power to face the fiery trials in our lives.

Sometimes women just have a lot of insecurities about themselves, their body image, and their husbands – and can’t receive the truth that their husbands truly ARE attracted to them. That is a difficult, painful, and frustrating situation for husbands and wives in that situation that is addressed in more detail by a husband here.

Other times husbands just feel so disrespected and controlled, that they lose their attraction to their wives because of this. This happens quite often, from what I can tell. Eventually, when a wife begins to learn to respect and honor her husband, the attraction often comes back in time.

Sometimes husbands face their own issues of medical problems, side effects from medications, stress, depression, shame, porn addiction, or  other things that impact their libido that don’t have much to do with their wives. Or maybe they just have a naturally low libido. There are men who only desire sex once a week or even every 2 weeks or so – and it isn’t because they don’t desire their wives, they just have a low appetite.

But some husbands truly are no longer attracted to their wives physically. What an incredibly painful situation that is for both husband and wife. No wife ever wants to feel that her husband has no desire for her body. I am sure that most husbands feel awful about this, as well – and, if they are remotely good-willed, would not want to hurt their wife’s feelings.

  • I think this may be one of the top fears many wives have in marriage. What can we do if we find ourselves in this situation? What would please God? What would bless our marriages? How do we maintain our own spiritual strength?

I’m thankful that a friend of mine is willing to share the wisdom God has given to her as she has had to navigate this issue in recent years in her own marriage. Perhaps it may provide some encouragement for other wives, as well.

FROM A DEAR 50-SOMETHING SISTER IN CHRIST

There is nothing like knowing that your husband is not physically attracted to you. Maybe it’s because you don’t fit into the “dream girl” vision he has in his mind or maybe it’s because you have let yourself go. In other words, there are some things that are in your control and others that are not. Right or wrong, this is where he is at and if you want to be a blessing to him, there are things you can do to help the situation.

I felt like I had failed my husband as a wife because I was not able to provide the “eye candy” so many men crave.

I spent some time mourning when I realized I would never receive that look from him that says, “you’re beautiful.” I also experienced feelings of defeat when I realized I cannot compare with pretty women he encounters personally on a daily basis and via the media. Included with that was an apprehension to “woo” him, as I didn’t feel I had the ability to do so successfully.

My natural inclination is to want to withdraw from my husband because it seemingly appears to be a safe way to handle the issue. I constantly strive to fight against this attitude because it is not in the best interest of our relationship and would only serve to doom the marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:5 says I am not to deprive myself from my husband so I choose to focus on being open to providing opportunities to be with him as often as the need arises.

The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

  • What you can control – weight, clothing, hygiene, your attitude, your spiritual growth, your obedience to God
  • What you cannot control – certain physical features, his perception, his sin, his obedience to God

Regarding the things you can control:

  • Are you overweight? Create new eating habits. Work out.
  • Do you tend to lounge around the house in your pajamas with unbrushed hair and teeth, no deodorant and unshaved legs? Get dressed every day. Use general hygiene. Shave those legs.
  • Hey, even consider putting on a little makeup to accentuate your features.

For those things you cannot control:

  •  You need to accept that and not own his attitude. This is between him and the Lord and is no reflection on you as a person.
  • A bad attitude toward him will only increase the distance that is already there.
  • This doesn’t give you license to pull away from him.

It is natural to feel ill will toward him and to withdraw from him. I know you feel hurt, but you need to fight any urges to build animosity with him or to pull away from him. You need to continue to pursue a close relationship with him. This is what you are called to do as a wife. It is part of being his “helpmeet”.

It is important for you to continue to engage with him.

  • Flirt
  •  Smile
  •  Offer kisses
  •  Seek to be around him
  • Respect the good in him and the fact that he is your husband
  • Honor him

Keep in mind that all this has to occur without any level of expectation, though, on your part. The goal is to bless him, not coerce him into acting lovingly towards you.

I suppose I am in a healthy spot, spiritually, so dealing with this hasn’t been as hard as it may be if I wasn’t in a good place spiritually – probably because I do find my security, acceptance, and fulfillment in Christ. We all have things we deal with in life and this is where I’m at. But the main point is that I have been able to look at things through the eyes of Christ – which has given me the wisdom and power I need to attempt to handle my husband’s current feelings with grace.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I think it can be a good thing to try to look attractive for your husband – within reason, of course. The best reason for us to seek to be healthy and to take good care of our bodies, in my view, is so that we are being good stewards of the bodies God has given to us. (It is possible to make our appearance, being thin, beauty, etc… into idols – so we do have to be careful not to make external beauty the most important thing.)

We can cut out artificial sweeteners, sugar, refined flour, processed foods, fried foods, and unhealthy foods – exchanging those things for water, fresh fruits and veggies, healthy fats, whole grains, and lean meats so that we are taking the best care of our bodies. We can focus on exercising 30 minutes/day or so. If you don’t have time to exercise – your husband may be willing for you to cut back your work hours or he may be willing to watch the children so that you can have some time to do this. He may even enjoy working out with you. Might be fun! If you have medical issues that are impacting your weight or your ability to lose weight, please speak to your doctor.

If food is an idol for you, and you turn to it for comfort – that is something to deal with before God. Christ is our greatest source of comfort, fulfillment, purpose, and identity – not food, not marriage, our husband, or anything or anyone else.

Something I did was grow my hair back out because Greg loves it long. I had cut it so short earlier in our marriage in total disregard for his preferences. But as I began to walk this road to become a godly wife, I realized that I needed to be more concerned about my husband’s feelings about how he liked my hair, how I dressed, etc… than I had been previously.

We can own our own attitude and be open, safe, calm, peaceful, respectful, warm, and even fun. 🙂 We can  get rid of any sin in our own lives and develop that feminine beauty that God cherishes so much – that gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear. We can study godly femininity and seek to become the women God calls us to be.

SHARE:

I know that MANY, MANY women are hurting so deeply to the core of their souls over this issue. If God has empowered you to handle this situation with His strength, wisdom, peace, and maybe even joy – you are most welcome to share the treasures God has given to you with our hurting sisters.

If you are a wife who is not feeling attracted to your husband, let’s talk about that in the comments, as well.

BEAUTIFUL FOR ME:

RELATED:

I May Never Have Worldly Beauty

Roots of Insecurity, Sinful Jealousy, a Desire to Control, and Low Self-Esteem

Our Security Is in Christ Alone!

Finding Victory Over Feelings of Insecurity

My Identity in Christ

Godly Femininity

The story of Leah in the Old Testament – Jacob was not attracted to her, and yet, God noticed her situation and richly blessed her.

145 thoughts on “When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You

  1. I haven’t dealt with this exact issue, so I hope it is okay to share here.

    But something I have realised as time goes on in our marriage (that hurt me when I first saw it), is that it’s no longer enough for me to just “show up” to the bedroom.

    When we were first married, just my presence was enough to arouse my husband and get things going. So I think I got into a sort of “entitled” frame of mind – expecting that as long as I was willing to have sex, he should be thankful. A very condescending attitude really.

    A few years ago, he turned me down, and told me he’d rather not do it at all if I wasn’t into it.
    I was shell-shocked, as I took this to mean he was no longer attracted to me. I think my pride was wounded – I assumed I was totally irresistible, and I just received proof that I wasn’t.

    I am thankful for his honesty, because it taught me that I needed to make an effort in the bedroom too.

    1. Seriouslyserving,

      This is a great point! Husbands appreciate a wife who really desires them sexually, too. Not just “duty sex” as some of them have called it. Thank you very much for sharing!

      1. Yes, I don’t think what I was doing was quite “duty sex” – I was still very much enjoying it and wanting it.
        I just expected that my body, my beauty, was what I brought to the “bed”, and all the effort was what he brought to the bed.

      2. I am in that place. I came to 2 conclusions. Either Leah or GOD has harden my beloved husbands heart like HE did Pharoh towards Moses and his people. To show HE has an amazing miracle. We have not had sex in over 13 years. I have my times of the devil pointing out what is wrong with me, or if you had not done this or that. Then I remember “I am a new creation”. Women I know the hurt, pain, or longing. But, I also know of our GOD who loves us so much HE gave HIS SON JESUS. A GOD like that knows our desire and as long as we truly follow HIM as a Disciple and Child of GOD, and have a relationship, HE does bless us. You are not alone.
        My husband and I having a loving best friendship without making love. And its been over 16 years and going strong. Divorce is not in our vocab. We are the 7% club. Our testimony is marriage is love and a choice.
        Your sis in CHRIST,
        newy

        1. Newy,

          Oh goodness. Such a painful, difficult situation. And yet, look ate the beautiful faith God is creating in you in the midst of the fiery trial. WOW! SO BEAUTIFUL!

          I pray God might bring healing sexually to your marriage. But how I praise Him for the way He is empowering you to be faithful to Him and to you husband and for the way your faith is growing.

          Thank you so much for sharing!

          1. Thank all of you for sharing. The devil wants us to beleive we are alone. This forum shows different. We have been given a blessed tool to actively pray for each other and give each other encouragement. Remember GOD said “HE will never leave us or forsake us”. I love ya’ll. Continued strengh and think of the blessings both small and large.

          2. Myself and my husband have only been married for 4 weeks, my husband is not very sexual towards me, I brought lovely underwear and Lacey top, my husband was snoring before I was able to get out of bath, I ask God what is our future, Even to just notice me would be nice.. I honour and respect my husband, I do everything for him, I love taking care of my husband, I’m needing some attention to…

          3. Dearest Samantha,
            Remember you are beautiful. There will be days where you feel unworthy or blame yourself. Don’t. That is just the devil trying to get at you and your marriage to break you apart.
            I , actually we pray together for healing in this area. But our focus is on the positives in our marriage. We make each other laugh, generosity, best friends. There are still other blessings to look at whilst on our journey. My continued prayers to you and your beloved husband.
            Newy

    2. seriouslyserving, I have been noticing this too as my husband ages. He has to be in the exact right frame of mind to want to engage in marital intimacy. Thank you for your response because it is a great reminder that we can have a tendency to take this personally and to think that it has more to do with the physical side of things.

      1. Mrs. G.,

        Things DO change over time. We are not always prepared for this reality. Often a wife’s libido increases into her late 30s and 40s and the husband’s simultaneously begins to decrease. So the dynamics may shift. This can be disconcerting – but my prayer is that we might be able to extend grace and understanding and be flexible.

        So glad that SeriouslyServing’s comment was a blessing. 🙂

  2. Right after reading this post, I turned on some Christian music and the following song played:
    Beautiful For Me – Nichole Nordeman

    I believe it was the Lord validating who I am to Him:

  3. This is very hard for me today because it is my 19th anniversary today. As I lay there last night, I wanted to be close to my husband and be intimate. I was playful and smiling earlier in the day. I was getting upset, so I got out of bed and went to go read the bible for a while. I woke up under immense pressure of rejection. No touch, no “I love you”, no hug, kiss, or even a look at me.

    I won’t see him all day because of work. I thought how this must have been how he felt all those years during my disrespect. How crushing and punch-in-the-gut it must have been for him. I want so much to reach out, but he doesn’t want it. However, I feel confused on what to do. Do I withdraw from him? I don’t see how that can help. I am trying to respect that he is uncomfortable if I touch him. But he seems to enjoy a back rub, hand/foot massage…or is he just tolerating it? I don’t want him to think I am not interested, but I am also trying to respect him with the gift of space. Am I still trying too much?

    I am trying to rest in God. I know I can go to him for comfort and love, it is all I can do anyway. But there are tines, especially today when the weight of rejection and lack of love is soooo crushing I can’t breath.

    I know my 13 year old daughter is starting to suspect a problem. I try to focus on the kids, but don’t want to throw myself totally somewhere that does not include my husband. How much am I expected to take? Does he even know how much this hurts? I would think so, since he says I did this to him for 18 years. It seems sex would help him move forward, the bonding thing. I feel useless here. I don’t want to miss an opportunity, but I’m trying to get out of God’s way too. Such a slippery slope.

    1. LMSdaily115,

      My dear sister! Happy anniversary! I pray that God might empower you to handle this day with His grace and strength, and that He might give you some extra tangible signs of His great love for you today!

      I don’t think your situation is a matter of your husband not being physically attracted to you. I think he is still very wounded from all the years of disrespect. You are working on healing that and you are seeking God first – and now we wait for God to work in his heart to heal him, too.

      I don’t know what your husband would respond to or what would be offensive to him right now. I pray that God might give you His wisdom about how to approach your husband and how much space vs. how much intimacy you might attempt.

      I don’t know that your husband can empathize with your pain right now – I think he is in so much soul-crushing pain himself. I don’t know how long this will take. But I do know that our God is faithful and that He can give you the strength and power to do what He desires you to do here. I pray you might get to do something fun for yourself today – and send some extra special time with God. I pray you will be sensitive to God’s prompting and any open doors of opportunity. I pray for healing for you, your husband, and your marriage, my sweet sister!

      1. LMSdaily115,

        I will pray for strength for you, hoping for healing in your heart and something happy in this special day. Happy anniversary! It’s hard to celebrate when you’re in a painful “valley,” but even still being married is reason for real joy.
        I agree with April totally, that your husband’s rejection is not caused because you are unattractive physically. Going the distance–with being a godly wife and showing him it isn’t temporary–is what will show him you are genuinely different now. Know that your sisters here support you so much, and appreciate how hard you’re working now to rebuild your marriage. Much love to you! Elizabeth P.S. Please do something special just for YOU today!

    2. Lmsdaily115 – I don’t think we are supposed to say this to someone, but I just have too. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could have written your entry. I thought my husband was going to literally fall off our king size bed last night because he was so far away. He rolled over when I tried to snuggle.

      Here is what I am doing today – crying a lot in my prayer closet and car (which I realize now is my flesh fighting the spirit because my flesh DOES NOT want to do what April suggests in this blog when I hurt so bad).

      I am listening to a ton of praise music and singing loudly, and audibly speaking scriptures such as “when I am weak He is strong”, “His grace is sufficient”.. “His strength is made perfect in my weakness”. REJOICE in the LORD always and I will stay it again REJOICE.

      HIS Word is the weapon. Memorize the heck out of it and then just keep saying them to fight the discouragement and pain. My fav when my thoughts go to the woe is me is “may the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight my Lord, my Rock, my redeemer”.. Sometimes I’m like a crazy person saying this verse over and over and over.

      Remember the enemy HATES God and HATES marriage. Keep your eyes on our LORD and our enemy so the bitterness doesn’t sneak up on you like a thief in the night, and it will.

      Last week, when I felt like this too, I tried focusing on others. I called old friends and send emails, and cards and gifts to people just to try to make others feel good. It didn’t seem to help, but I walk by faith and not by sight.

      Just some suggestions. Praying for you!!

      1. IAMNEW,

        Aw! I love how you are approaching this right now, my dear sister. You are using the weapons God gives you and you are directing your focus to Christ and to praise. THAT IS AWESOME! Praying for God’s healing, wisdom, power, and direction for you today!

  4. What I have found is that a lot of the problem is ‘not all about me’. That doesn’t lessen the intense hurt over it. It could be he feels ashamed about his body not responding or working like it used to. Maybe he blames his lack of desire on stress at work or dealing with teenagers. When we got married I’m sure most of us thought this would never happen to us.

    You are right to do everything you can to be attractive, supportive and take care of yourself. Sometimes I ask myself if I want my husband to worship me. Then I wonder if it hurts God so much when I don’t worship him.

    Telling your husband how bad this hurts you will never work, unfortunately. Instead of being the hero you want him to be and coming to your rescue and stepping up, he will feel like a failure and do even less out of shame.

    1. Jessi,

      There can be issues with impotence for husbands – and that can be devastating for them and for their wives. Sometimes it can be hard for a wife to tell, at first, what is happening. I have a post on this topic here.

      We definitely don’t want to get into a mindset of wanting our husbands to worship us. That is a good point. And it is also a great reminder to use the pain we have when we feel rejected or unwanted to think about how God may feel when we ignore and neglect Him.

      Thank you for sharing your insights, my sister! 🙂 I appreciate it so much!

    2. My husband just said that he felt like a failure. I guess I thought since God made sex for marriage, he’d fix the problem. Crying…

  5. Something that is really attractive in both genders, is when you feel healthy and good about your own self. So whatever we can do to bring forth some of that inner beauty really will help transform our outside, too. Everyone wants to be desired by someone else, especially a spouse, but I think those feelings of desirability really have to come from within us. It is wonderful when a husband or a wife helps to make us feel physically attractive, but ultimately that is something we have to bring forth from within.

    Regarding the simple things however, what I did wrong for most of my marriage was to listen to other women about what was desirable, rather than listening to my own husband. My husband clearly told me he likes long hair…so I cut mine several times. He likes soft colors….so there was not a single pastel in my entire wardrobe. The culture is very challenging, it tries to tell women what is attractive, and for some reason we tend to listen to all these marketing messages rather than to our own husbands. There are some women on TV that I think are very beautiful and I was surprised once to overhear hubby complaining about them, to thin, too much make up, tattoos, just not his idea of desirable. Men can surprise you sometimes, what they find attractive is not always what we have been taught it is.

  6. It’s so funny that this article showed up TODAY! My husband actually told me last night that I was beautiful. To which I replied, “I don’t believe you. There is no way you think I’m beautiful.” (I’ve put on a LOT of weight since the birth of our daughter.) And he said, “well, maybe I used the wrong word.” He said “there are a LOT of women out there that have better physical attributes than you, but your character and morals make you a lady, so that’s what I meant to say….you’re a lady”. And I couldn’t help but feel like he had kicked me in the stomach. I mean, it felt like a compliment that was REALLY an insult.

    I know I can do something about my weight, but I’m a little resentful anyway because our marriage hasn’t been the best. I am his second wife and am not a priority in his life. I am an emotional eater and so with marriage trouble comes stress, which in turn causes the eating. He promised me children (plural) before we married and we’ve had one, but he now is wishy washy about having the other children I was promised. He will tell me we can start trying next month, then when that month comes, he says he doesn’t want them. So I am devastated.

    In short- I really don’t know what to do. It’s hard to have “sex” with my husband when I know he admittedly doesn’t think I’m attractive, and he doesn’t want to give me anymore children. So sex for him, is literally just that…..sex. I’ve been praying about it, but it’s so hard.

    1. Devastated,

      My dear sister! You know what? I kinda wish you had just said, “Thank you, Honey!” and enjoyed the gift of his compliment rather than arguing with him.

      BUT – I do think he was trying to give you a very meaningful compliment. It sounds like he really respects you a lot and is glad to be with you and thankful for you being his wife. Sometimes words are not a man’s strong suit. But I think we can receive the gifts they give us without having to question them and just graciously thank them. I’m sure he understands why you have gained weight. I think he wants you to feel loved and wants to try to bless you with his words. That is awesome!

      A lot of wives don’t feel like they are the first priority for their husbands. I know I used to feel that way, myself. I have some posts about this issue, actually, if you are interested. I also have some posts about when a husband promised his wife they would have children, and then he backs out of that promise. But I don’t want to shove anything on you.

      Would you be interested in me sharing some resources that may help you to heal in your own heart and mind? And maybe we could talk about things and I would be glad to do my best to point you to Christ?

      Much love and a HUGE hug to you, my dear sister!

      1. I would love to read whatever you have to share. We are going through a very difficult time right now so I’ll definitely take whatever help I can get! Thank you!

        1. Devastated,

          I would be glad to share. 🙂 I pray for God to heal your heart, mind, and soul. I believe there is abundant healing available for you in Christ, my sister! We are going to focus on you, your thinking, and your relationship with Christ primarily. Because these are things over which you have control.

          How is your walk with Christ going?

          Here are some posts that I think may be a good place to start. Please let me know if you want to talk about some things. 🙂

          My Husband Won’t Have Children with Me (you can also search my home page for “GraceAlone” because most of her posts are about this very topic.

          Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority! – lots of “Fellow Wife’s” posts are on this topic, you can search “fellow wife” on my home page for more of her posts, as well.

          What personality does your husband tend to have?

          What personality do you tend to have?

          How do you relate to your husband when he doesn’t do what you want him to do?

          Is it possible that he could be feeling disrespected or pressured by you about the kids thing or the sex thing?

          Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

          Much love to you!

    2. Hi, I just found this site today because someone linked to it on another site. Your comment touched me, and I feel I may have some insight into what’s going on. First, if you can’t accept a compliment from your husband, then you are putting him in a “darned if you do, darned if you don’t” situation. It won’t be long before he stops giving them completely, because he’s thinking “If I say something I’m in trouble, if I don’t say anything I’m in trouble. But I’m in less trouble if I don’t say anything.” Husbands don’t give compliments unless they mean it, or at least unless they want to make you feel good and boost your confidence by saying something kind.

      As far as your weight: that is the main reason you feel the way you do, in my opinion. You don’t see yourself as attractive, and so you think he doesn’t see you as attractive either. And your resentment over your lack of control when it comes to food is sabotaging your marriage, because you want him to find you attractive when YOU don’t even find yourself attractive. And honestly, the reason he probably doesn’t want more kids is because he sees all the weight you’ve gained with the first one. So he thinks “Wow, she gained a LOT of weight with the first kid (your words), so let’s wait to see if she loses it first before I get her pregnant again.” Because if he gets you pregnant again and you gain MORE weight, then he may really struggle to be attracted to you. And he knows he doesn’t want that.

      My suggestion is to work on yourself first. Work on losing the weight and getting in shape again, and forget about more children for now. Otherwise, you will probably be bringing children into a relationship that is having significant issues (and it sounds like that is already the case, from what you’ve said). Take care of yourself first, and the rest will work itself out. If you know you are an emotional eater then don’t keep stuff in the house that you like to eat when you are stressed–at least that way you have to go down to the store first!

      A final note: I know it’s hard to have sex with him when you feel unattractive, but do it anyway. Men feel loved most through regular sexual intimacy, and by shunning him sexually because he won’t give you children, you will make the problem worse.

  7. Dear April, I love this post and I have something to share that could bless some of the women here. This used to be one of my biggest fears too, and the Lord has brought so much healing to me that I have a testimony of how the power of His Word and obedience to Him can bring so much healing. I used to be super insecure about my body (mostly breasts) and had implants for over a year (that’s before I met my husband). Yet, at one point I was prideful about my body, I did modeling, went to modeling school and won some awards in runway modeling, and thought I looked “better” than others. That was sin. Both were toxic on my soul: being insecure about my body and thinking something about me was better than others. Through God’s Word and humbling me, I no longer think either of those, but I need to saturate myself in God’s Word to keep reminding myself of Truth. The verse that I have used to fight lots of Satan’s lies in this area is, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, beautiful in every way” (Song of Solomon 4:7). I have said this verse out loud and in my mind so many times, it is really healing to know how beautiful we each are to the Lord.

    So I learned this before I met my husband. I got my implants removed and I was back to “A” cup. Through God’s Word, I no longer saw my breasts as “small”. God says we are “perfect in every part”. 🙂 The way He made us (not with plastic surgery, which is what I thought I needed when I believed the lies).

    After getting married, I began to get attacked with lies again and began to get insecure again. For me, I had to learn again to care more about what God’s Word says than my husband. Through praying scripture based prayers for both of us, and over the years, him and I are both super healed in the area of lies of lust and lies of body image. I love his gray hair on the sides of his head, they are radiant. He calls my gray hair my “Heavenly highlights”. He can’t stand watching TV anymore because of the lies, I quite watching TV about 10 years ago, because of time but also I’m sensitive to lies.

    I think it’s so important to follow God on dressing modest. Some men struggle with lust and are tempted to look at other women. Other men are only attracted to their spouse and think women dressed immodest in public is “repulsive”. If we are obeying God we will be blessed, He promises in Psalm 84:11 that “no good thing will He withhold from us when our walk is blameless”. It’s a good thing to have our husbands be attracted to only us (their wife), so we can proclaim that promise and ask God to change us and make our walk blameless.

    “Your Maker is Your Husband, the Lord Almighty is His name.” ~ Isaiah 54:5. 😀 May your Heavenly Husband be your number one desire, and may you all be blessed with a husband who’s number one desire is the Lord and who is not attracted to other women, and very attracted to your godly beauty. May he see you as God sees you. 🙂

    1. Amber Paulsen,

      Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story! I appreciate how either extreme – insecurity or pride – about our bodies is sin. I appreciate your willingness to share with all of us. What a blessing!

    2. Thank you so much, Amber, for sharing your testimony. I have really struggled with insecurity and pride in this area also and I know God is breaking me free.

      I love hearing others’ testimonies to God freeing them of the exact same thing. It gives so much hope!

      God is doing so many things in my marriage at once (He’s like that!) and one of them is definitely this issue.

      I was watching football for a bit with my husband last night and an image popped up and immediately those insecure, jealous feelings came up. I cried out to God in my spirit and felt like He is leading me to just use those opportunities to pray for both myself and my husband as we battle the same things you spoke of. There will be lots of opportunity for prayer, as we are bombarded everywhere these days.

      Thank you for sharing Psalm 84:11 and the encouragement from that. That’s certainly motivating, isn’t it?

      1. Praise God for beginning to heal and free you of these things in Jesus’ name! Praying for you, Jennifer. 🙂 I remember those days for me too, in our early days of marriage watching football games (because that’s about all we would watch on TV, just a few games a year). In my past I would look to see what he was looking at when the cheerleaders were on or commercials. God has done a total makeover in both of us through the power of His Word and the power of prayer. One thing that I began doing in our early marriage too was praying scripture based prayers every morning from the book “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. Praying scripture and proclaiming it out loud is so powerful. God bless you!

        1. Power of a Praying is my go to. Stormie hit the bull eye. It touched me so I keep extras to give to others. I still have my old faithful one. Torn, highlighted, full of tears, hurts, joy and bound with a strap because the pages are falling because of so much use.

    3. Amber,

      What great encouragement! Like you, I have learned and am STILL learning/remembering, to find my security in God, so how my husband does or doesn’t react to my body will never determine “whether I do or don’t live.” It sounds like you and your husband have grown to love the wonderful qualities in each other, and for this reason love each other physically, too. It’s been this way for my husband and me, too, even though we both had to work through bodily insecurities and misunderstandings. I love the way your husband calls your gray hair “heavenly highlights.” We too, have chosen not to watch TV, mainly because it so badly manipulates people’s minds on a multitude of levels. Life is so much better without it! Isn’t the freedom that aligning our hearts and minds with God’s Word brings absolutely wonderful? 🙂 Much love, Elizabeth

      1. Thanks Elizabeth! God is so good and faithful! The freedom from His Word is so wonderful, Yes! Life is so much better without TV. We actually have one of the old fashioned TV’s, not the flat screen. We turn it on for weather related emergencies at times, and watching a good Christian-based movie a few times per year on DVD. 🙂 I’m still learning too, sister. On a different subject, one thing I’m learning to do is not exaggerate. My husband still watches a few college football games per year over at his parents house, but he puts a newspaper in front of his face when commercials are on and tells his parents the commercials are too bad to watch. We’ve come a long way. Glory to God!

  8. Insanitybytes22, I am glad you brought up about what men think is desirable!! Ladies, I dont think men are that hard to please but if they like long hair and yours is very short, that is not attractive to him. Sure, your girlfriends just love it and tell you how great it looks, but they are not who is important. I have heard women say but it is my hair and I want it this way. OK well then dont complain when your husband finds it unattractive. 🙂 I like facial hair on men. Most men if they know a woman likes facial hair, he will grow a beard immediately.

    Also dress…. I dont know a man in my circle that does not like women in skirts and dresses but so many of the wives will not wear them. They make excuses like my legs are not pretty. I dont like to dress up.

    I wear skirts everyday and I dont “dress up”. I wear simple cotton skirts with simple cotton tees and cute flip flops. Most of my skirts come from Goodwill and cost $3.50. My tees clearance at walmart. I get compliments all the time on how cute or pretty I look. Now I am 48 years old and have some extra pounds. My legs now have some veins. But people especially men dont see my flaws, they see a lady being a lady.

    Most importantly see yourself as a beautiful women. That is very attractive.

    I do realize there are critical men out there that no matter how hard you try you will not please them and that is so hurtful but I think for the majority of women if you ask your husband what he finds attractive he will tell you. It may be your hair, hygiene or dress that is not attractive or it may be your mouth…. (Yeah, stepped on my own toes there :-). )

  9. LMS, DW, Jess, IAMNEW and other wives who are hurting today…

    I heard this message from Chuck Swindoll today and just felt like I should share. My local Christian radio just finished up broadcasting a series of his called Joseph: A Man of Integrity and Forgiveness.

    Today’s message was Joseph: Imprisoned and Forgotten, part 3. Please consider listening and at least be blessed to hear Chuck Swindoll’s beautiful prayer for those hurting at the end. I believe you will be encouraged.

    http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/insight-for-living/listen/#Joseph%3a+A+Man+of+Integrity+and+Forgiveness

    http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/insight-for-living/listen/imprisoned-and-forgotten-part-3-483566.html

    Lord, I pray for my hurting sisters as they wait on You. Lord, I pray that you will be the Lifter of their heads – that You will surprise them with joy even in the midst of their struggle. I pray that You would remind them and all of us that You really are enough. You are more than enough for us, Jesus. You fill every need we have and as long as we keep looking to someone else to fill it, we will be disappointed. But You will never fail us, Lord. You will never leave us. You will not forsake us in our weakness. Lord, be our Strength. Remind us of what Christ did for us – he was wounded for our transgressions – He died so we could live. Remind us that we now carry the death of the body of Christ in us so that life can be – and is! – at work in others. Give us glimpses of hope that enable us to take the next step in You today, Jesus. I pray that You will enable us to bless our husbands even as they hurt us. They are surely not our enemy, Lord. Our enemy is not flesh and blood, but the enemy is using our husbands. Remind us of this and give us hearts of compassion, love and respect for our husbands – and we know the Source is You. Make us completely Yours, God.

    In the name of the One who holds our heart safe, Jesus, Amen.

      1. DW, you are welcome! I’m excited that you listened to it. God is really using this series and the story of Joseph to minister to me right now. I guess the whole series is 11 segments long, it seems there’s another part that maybe wasn’t in one of the links I provided. The link below includes all the messages in that series.

        http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/insight-for-living/listen/

        One specific thing He showed me last night….I have been really loving and listening to the song by Matt Redman called It Is Well With My Soul (of course, I love the original hymn, too!). In the song, there is a line that says “You make us fruitful in the land of our suffering”. I wasn’t aware of the Biblical connection until I was reading in Genesis last night, reading more about Joseph. He had two sons while he was living in Egypt after he had interpreted the dream and one of them he named Ephraim because God had made him fruitful in the land of his suffering.

        God is just undeniably encouraging me over and over that the trial I am in is for good and that He is going to make me fruitful in it. He had already highlighted the verses in Hebrews that talk about how if we are his children, we will be disciplined (trained in righteousness, not punished!!) by Him and that the discipline that we undergo is painful, yes, but it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those trained by it….which of course reminds me of the phrase “fruitful in the land of our suffering”.

        Anyway, just wanted to share. I think there is a lot of freedom that comes from just surrendering to God in the suffering that He brings in our lives rather than fighting His work. I know how difficult the getting to that part can be and don’t mean to sound flippant about the very real trials that you and others are going through.

  10. I have been fighting this feeling for a while! The enemy has gotten to me many times and filled my mid with doubt whether my husband truly loved me for me. Physical flaws and all. Many days I can resist the devils tactics and not give in. A couple months ago my husband let rejecting me when I wanted intimacy with him. I would cry many nights because I wonders and feared that my looks made him begin to be unattracted to me. I started working out again. There was a conversation I had with my husband shortly after I had been able to be intimate with him again since having had a child. And he feared that he would one day be unattracted to me physically. He stated he would still obviously love me but if I let myself go he may not be physically attracted to me.
    That tore me up. All throughout my middle school, high school, and college days and even when we started dating I have always struggled with self esteem. Am I pretty enough. Will I be loved since I’m not “skinny “. And a comment he said to me during this particular conversation has been my motivation for getting back into shape and losing my belly baby fat I’ve had all my life. It has been hard and feels like such a slow process because I want results NOW. I want my husband to desire me and tell me I look hott!

    What I’m struggling with now and lately is how he used to tell me I looked nice or I look beautiful. I hardly hear comments like that anymore. Even tho i wear my hair like he likes (as he’s told me before) and or I will wear nice clothin and perfume and make up to accent features that he once said is attractive to him. I’ve done all that and even worn something noticeably new. And he wouldn’t say a word! I would feel so hurt and feel I wasn’t good enough. With all the effort I have put in and put myself out, he’d disregard. Sometimes I wonder if he is just so focused on the tv or phone that he could be so oblivious. The other comment that comes to my mind is when I see myself in the mirror and think wow I do look pretty! (Not trying to sound conceited but telling myself confidently I look pretty). What hurt the most was a month or 2 ago when I dressed myself up nice for church and actually had the time to do my hair and makeup and not rush it my husband didn’t say anything about it. A friend of ours at the church in walking by and saying hello to my husband and myself he mentioned “wow you look pretty today” and I said in a very kind and thankful way “thank you!” My immediate thoughts were “wow why couldn’t my own husband say that to me! Someone else noticed my hair different” I so badly wanted to comment back and say (sarcastically, with my husband there) -well thank YOU for at least noticing!- but thats truly how I felt! It hurt!
    The man that said it is married himself and in no way was out of line he’s just being a friend and genuinely saying something nice. But like that scenario as many others sometimes I wonder why I would even bother looking nice if my husband doesn’t even comment on when I’m dressed up let alone when I’m not wearing make up and I look “plain” that day. But then the other part of me says I do it for myself , and make myself feel better. Part of me feels like once I get “skinny” THEN he’d desire me. But I shouldn’t have to feel that way. When we first we’re together and dating there were times he couldn’t keep from wanting to make out with me. And now that we’ve been married a few years I have to ask if he wants to make out as sometimes then he says no. Just flat out no. Maybe I ask at the wrong times like is he’s watching TV or working on something on the computer. But even if his response was “wow I’d love to but I really need to finish this or how about later?” At least I’d know I’m wanted. We used to flirt too when we first got married or find ways to touch each other through out the day. I still do it to him sometimes and he “jokingly” makes a “tsst” scoff* but then like laughs it off. I don’t know what else besides praying (which I am doing) to spark new romance and keep things lively.

    1. Liz,

      First of all know that marriages change. A man during dating will not be the same man as a man after a few years of marriage. And your marriage, GOD willing, will change even more after you have been married 15 years, 30 years, 35 years. Marriages change. A mature relationship Is not supposed to be the same as a new relationship. So begins the long growing process of CHOOSING to love rather than BEING in love.

      Men often feel they have achieved their goal after marriage– I got a wife!– and their priorities will change…Perhaps now to the career climb.

      It is quite difficult, some might even say impossible, for couples to maintain “romance” over the long run. One might wonder if we are even supposed to? Is Romance your idol? It really would be unnatural for a husband to continue focusing on how “hot” his wife is, as he matures, no? Rather over time, he could begin to appreciate other characteristics– your kindness, gentleness, the things you do for his children, your wonderful and comforting cooking. These things begin to become more appreciated over time rather than how “hot” the wife is…and that is a good thing, because relentlessly, over time, you will lose your youth, your fresh skin, your dark hair, your firm body. Happens to every one of us. Time marches on. Couples should be able to take each other for granted to a degree, over a period of time. It’s called security.

      I Peter says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” Being Hot will eventually fade. But the beauty of the inner self will never fade. That’s what I am going to try to develop, rather than trying to hang on to Youth. .I have been thinking through a lot of the same issues as you so I wanted to share.

      1. Marked Wife

        Thank you for your encouragement. He has told me before that a lot of his attractions towards me have been from my inner beauty and characteristics. I think i just felt that since his comment and my fear of losing physical attraction to him was what made me want to fix the outer beauty. I have been told a few times by him how he appreciates what I do for our child and he’ll say when a dinner I’ve made has been good. and I know that serving my husband in love is what I’m supposed to do but I struggle at times when doing it with an agape love especially when i dont hear a “thank you” when ive done something for him that i normally dont get an opportunity to do. i feel (even tho it may not be his attitude) that he just expects it and thats what a wife does and he doesnt need to say thanks. that i think is another area the enemy likes to taunt or put thoughts in my head of depreciation. and feeling unappreciated for what i do during the day with house work and taking care of our child as well as preparing dinner before he gets home etc. deep down tho i know that i know he loves me and is appreciated and im being obedient to God and will be blessed for it (as long as im doing it in love and not for show). im sorry im just rambling now.

        Thank you for your kind words. 🙂

        1. You said, ” he just expects it and thats what a wife does and he doesnt need to say thanks.” That’s exactly what I mean by couples SHOULD be able to take each other for granted, to some degree. You don’t have to thank him every single day for going to work. That’s what husbands do. You don’t need to say thanks. He takes it for granted that you DO appreciate that he goes to work every day even though you don’t say thanks every day, right?

          1. I see what you mean marked wife and peacefulwife. thank you. sorry if that sounded immature of me, because he doesn’t always say thanks and i see your point on me saying or not saying thanks for when he goes to work everyday. but i think i will tell him tonight since i haven’t in a while how much i appreciate that he goes to work for our family everyday. thanks for all of your encouragements ladies and thank you April for what you do! God bless you!

          2. Liz,

            You are most welcome. 🙂 I’m glad you are going to share your appreciation with your husband. You don’t have to say it every day – but I am sure it would mean a lot to him to know that you really do appreciate his hard work for the family.

            Much love!

          3. This just made me think of a conversation I had with my husband recently….I asked him if it annoyed him that I thank him for working for us (I do this often because I sensed that he really appreciated it every time I do). He basically told me that I couldn’t thank him enough, it would not get old to him.

            I know when I am focusing on being grateful to him for what he does for our family and me, he usually responds in kind by being more grateful for what I do, too.

          4. Just a question for the purposes of spurring discussion – what do you thank your husband for, and since you are not men, what do you think a man does or does not want to be appreciated for? Worth pondering.

            It is too easy for men and women to assume that the other sex is motivated by the same things we are. We have to meet other people ,i.where they are,/i., not where we wish they were (or where we THINK they should be, haha).

          5. Jack,

            I like this. I think it is VERY easy to assume that other people, including our spouse, are motivated by the same things we are and have the same paradigm and perception of the world we do. This got me in a lot of trouble because I would assume things that ended up being totally untrue about Greg and assign evil motives to him when he was not thinking anywhere close to what I had assumed he was thinking.

            Very helpful to really get a solid grasp on how a spouse truly thinks rather than assuming.

            Those are great questions!

  11. [FROM PEACEULWIFE – ladies, for some of you who are feeling unloved and your husband seems not to be attracted to you – this comment could be a trigger for you.]

    This was very good! The world has programmed us to believe that outward beauty trumps inward beauty and character. God made each and every one of us and He said His creation was good! I wanted to share my story. I use to be thin, and about ten years ago, in one year, I gained almost 150 lbs very rapidly. I found out it was medical. Years later, even after medications, eating very healthy, consistent exercise, I found out I had another medical condition that affected metabolism.

    I have worked really hard on losing weight, for years, but I do not lose. I stay between 285-293 lbs, and am a size 24. I have eliminated carbs, sugars, bad fats, soda, junk food etc……my weight doesn’t come off.

    For a long time, this area was very upsetting to me. My weight, and inability to lose became an idol. Through different teachings at church, I finally came to a place where I realized that my health and body are in
    God’s hands. I am required to do my best to take care of my temple(my body), but He is Sovereign over the results.

    My Husband and I have been married for 15 months. I am 32, He is 37. We had a long-distance relationship. He has been Godly and he showed me that not all men are shallow.

    He knew I was overweight from the beginning of our relationship, and he told me, “You are beautiful. If you lose the weight that is great, but if you don’t, you are still beautiful. ”

    Since we have married he tells me often how I am beautiful to him. I am thankful. I will continue to do my part in taking care of my body, but if the weight never comes off, I still believe I am wonderfully made by God.

  12. April, Under the things we can not control, you said his “perception”. Can you give some examples of that?
    Also, how many times are we supposed to offer kisses, and try to spend time and continue to be rejected? Is this where 7 x 70 comes in, unconditional love? It is REALLY hard to not withdrawal when it is our natural inclination as you said. Should we be trusting the Holy Spirit to reprogram (for lack of a better word) us in this area similar to our other inclinations (ie: the natural man).

    1. I-AM-NEW,
      Hi….it’s me, the one who contributed to April’s post.

      What I meant by “perception”, is what he specifically thinks the definition of “beautiful” is to him. Sadly, the media might contribute to that definition in a negative way for the average wife.

  13. Marked Wife
    THANK YOU– very freeing and helpful. It’s hard to de-program (ie. renew my mind) after 30 yrs of media and secular magazines indoctrination! Please keep sharing!

  14. Hi April,
    I have been following your blog for a long time, something bothers me though, where does the woman go? Where does the unique ideas, perspectives, personality, drives, dreams that God gave the woman go? What am I missing? When we submit to God, He loves us like we are, He gently and lovingly (within the framework of His love) helps us to grow, be better, to spread our wings and fly but with submission to our husbands, I get the sense that it involves stifling our individualities, modifying our personalities, even altering our likes and dislikes to accommodate his, am I right here or wrong? I believe that God will hold me accountable for what I did with what He gave me and I don’t think that telling Him that I sacrificed it on the altar of submission to my husband will suffice. As you can tell, I am struggling with this, please help. Thank you.

    1. Muna,

      Hey, my sweet friend! It’s wonderful to hear from you!

      Your personality, dreams, and soul absolutely flourish as you are in full submission to God – but He guides us by His Word and also through our husbands. For instance, my husband was the one who suggested that I share what God had shown me with other women. He is also the one who suggested that I write a book. But sometimes he will say, “Don’t spend so much time ministering, come be with me for awhile.” Or, “I don’t like what that guy is saying, I think it is destructive to your women readers.”

      God uses Greg to lead me in following His calling for me, and He has given me this desire to minister to women. But God and Greg lead me. I am not stifled. I am free from burdens. Does that make sense? God uses Greg to give me a nudge when I am lagging behind God. And He uses Greg to hold me back when I am running ahead of God – which I have a very big tendency to do.

      Our sinful nature gets stifled. Yes. Our personalities and desires are really only to be modified by God. But God may use our husbands to direct us at times.
      All believers die to self and live for God’s will, not our own will. All of us learn to love selflessly and sacrificially – both God and people.

      What dreams and drives and unique ideas do you have that you feel are being smothered?

      What is your definition of submission?

      What is your husband’s personality?

      What is your personality?

      I’m so glad you commented. Let’s definitely talk about this, my sweet sister!

      Some posts about this:

      A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

      Does Being a Biblically Submissive Wife Mean I Can’t Share My Feelings, Ideas, Needs, and Concerns?

      We can have all of God’s will and all of His dreams for us. Our husbands can’t thwart God’s sovereignty or His plans in our lives. We can still yield all that we are to God and receive all that Jesus is. There is no limit to what God can and will do in and through us as we fully submit to Him – and that includes submitting to our husbands. God can change our husbands’ hearts to desire the things He desires and to accomplish His purposes in our lives. Does that make any sense?

      Much love,
      April 🙂

      1. Hi April,
        Thank you for your reply, you have been such a blessing to me. Reading your questions to me pointed to the one major thing I recently discovered about myself, a terrible fear of trust. I had a very dysfunctional childhood that involved physical, emotional and sexual abuse some of them at the hands of the very same people who were supposed to love me and protect me. God has healed me from the wounds and has inundated me with His love. For a very long time, I was afraid of people, of letting them too close (of course I never made that obvious) but I literally ran into God and hid there for years…..
        In that place, God gave me dreams about helping people who have gone through the same things I have and He allowed me to practice love by giving me dogs :)…..I grew pretty confident and began to step out into the world and love others until my Sweetheart stepped in.
        He is a wonderful Christian man, loves the Lord, loves me but he is a command man. He wants me to trust him implicitly, follow his directions without question and that I don’t mind doing except when it pertains to something that will personally impact me or my dogs then I resist. I resist out of fear of giving someone else control over my life. I hope this rambling makes sense and don’t ever question the effectiveness of your ministry, God is using your ministry to an extent you will never know on this side of eternity, God bless you my sister.

        1. Thank you for the recommended posts, will read them. Per my personality, I am not dominant but not passive either, I dance to the beat of my own drum, not a follower or a people pleaser. I will not follow except you for the sake of following, I am passionate about what I believe in and my husband is the exact same. The only difference is that I am an idealistic person and he’s a realistic person. I think in terms of possibilities, his thinking is grounded on facts and data.

        2. Muna,

          Yes, what you are saying DOES make sense. My heart absolutely breaks for what you experienced as a child – and OF COURSE submission will be 1000X more scary after that kind of background. 🙁 I can totally understand why trust and submission would be extra difficult for you. I just weep for your pain. I wish no child ever experienced abuse. :'(

          I think that all wives have fear when it comes to submission in marriage. Honestly, all believers must overcome fear in submitting to Christ – and He is perfect and completely good. But to submit to an imperfect human – that is much more difficult.

          My husband tended toward being more passive and I was the more controlling one earlier in our marriage. Even now, he is he gives me lots of freedom and barely ever sets up any boundaries – he trusts me greatly and allows me the ability to make lots of decisions. I do think it could be harder in some ways – submitting to a command man.

          So – you have two issues going on – it sounds like. Healing from the abuse and learning to trust and be vulnerable. But also learning to live with a command man. There are advantages and disadvantages to each personality type. It sounds like you have a really great guy. 🙂

          Have you talked with your husband about the issues in your past? I think this is something that y’all can work through together – and with God, of course. But there may be some wrestling and some hashing things out as you heal and as you learn to trust. How does your husband respond when you resist?

          Sending you the biggest hug!

          1. Thank you April for taking out the time to talk with me. It hurts him greatly, he feels I just want to do things my way. I love him dearly and I know he loves me too but he doesn’t understand somethings about me, I don’t blame him, I didn’t understand me either. I want to trust him because if there’s anyone I can trust, it’s him but I am having a hard time explaining to him that he needs to take it slow with me. Sometimes the fear comes across as anxiety because I want to know what he’s doing but he simply wants me to trust him. It feels like some is asking me to drive with blindfolds on but he doesn’t understand. My dogs in a weird way represent me as a child, helpless, vulnerable and I feel a deep responsibility to them and to every abused dog, child or elderly person. He doesn’t understand that either. I am praying that God will help him see me through His eyes so that he can begin to understand my complexities for only God can do that for him.

          2. Muna,

            I assume he is well aware of your past?

            Have you ever shared with him what you just shared with me?

            Could you ask him to help you start with a small step? Like maybe him taking the dogs on a walk by himself? I don’t know if that would be anxiety-producing for you or not. Maybe you can practice trusting with some smaller things and gradually build up to trusting more with bigger things?

            Have you ever had godly counseling about healing from the abuse you endured?

            Have y’all ever had counseling together about dealing with the trauma you experienced as a child as the issues come up in your marriage?

            Praying for wisdom for you both! 🙂

          3. Hi April, I haven’t had counseling, I didn’t know how deep the rabbit hole went until now. I will have to find a good godly counselor but at the same time, I am terrified of how it might unravel me but I rather face the pain and be healed properly than walk around with these deep wounds. Some times I get so upset at the irresponsibility of people who hurt children but then I remember that they must have been hurt too….I will not pass that onto my children and I will not let this hurt the man I love more than anything else in this life so I will get the help I need and hopefully, he will be willing to do it with me. Thank you April for your ministry.

          4. Muna,

            I’m so glad that God has shown you that this is a big deal – and that your scars and wounds from your past contribute greatly to the issues in your marriage and your fear about trusting your husband today. That is a really important thing to see!

            I pray for great wisdom in choosing just the right counselor. I’m so glad that you want to heal instead of continuing to allow the deep wounds to fester and spread.

            Much love to you!

          5. Hi April,

            The truth is that with every stripe He took on the cross, every spot at which He skin was torn, every spike of torn that pierced His head, every single nail that pierced His hands and feet, every drop of blood He shed, every ounce of pain He felt was not just for my sin and that of others, but for the consequences of those sins. The price for my peace was borne by Him, His stripes procured my healing. When I became born again, old things passed away and ALL THINGS became new. God revealed this issue to me not because He wanted to overwhelm me or to show me how far I am from the mark (as the enemy has been having a field day doing) rather it was to give me the courage to look that fear in the face and in the boldness of the Cross and the Blood that bears testimony of the love of God for me, trample that fear underfoot and walk in the victory that is mine in Christ.

            So you see, I am free, I am not under bondage because God said that who the Son has set free, is free indeed. Besides, if I truly believe in the sovereignty of God (which I do), if I truly believe that God is in control of every detail of my life, why then was I afraid? Does not make sense does it? Lies can never hold up when you shine the light of truth on it. So my sister, consider this battle won! I will stretch my trust muscles, painful as that might be because really when I trust Greg, it’s really God that I am trusting to lead me through him. Thank you for your encouragement and the questions that guided my thinking. God bless you.

          6. Muna,

            Now THIS is a woman who knows God and who knows the power of what Jesus did on the cross. 🙂 WOOHOO!!!!!!

            Absolutely – you are free! And you may live as though you are free because Jesus set you free. And His stripes absolutely paid for your sins and for all sins. What an honor to see your faith in our amazing God. Yes, your trust muscles will get stretched. But it is obvious to Whom you belong and He will complete the good work He began in you.

            What beautiful faith!!!!!!

            Thank you for sharing. You made my day!

          7. Muna, what a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I love what you wrote. We have to believe the truth of what God has already said – we are free! Even though at times, it doesn’t *feel* like it.

            I recently bought a book called The Wounded Woman, Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. To be honest, I’ve only glanced through it, but it looks very, very good so far. Very biblical. Just thought I’d mention in case it was something you wanted to look into.

            You know, I went to counseling recently. I’m not discounting counseling entirely when I say this, but I can say that I have been to two different Christian counselors, and not much was accomplished (although I still believe God had a purpose in it somewhere!). The fact is that God is my Wonderful Counselor and I have discovered if I am willing to lay myself open before Him and trusting Him to do the work, He will. He is more than willing. He has ways of getting us to those points of complete surrender and freedom and He sure has proved that with me. And, I’m so grateful that He is committed to bringing us into the fullness of our freedom in Him, even when we try to run away and hide and operate out of our old selves.

            It sounds like you are in a great place. I know that God will complete the work He began in you (and me and all of us!)

          8. Thank you April, if I know nothing else in this life, I know that God is, that God is truth and He loves me. No matter what I am going through, no matter how dark the clouds are, no matter the what my circumstances appear to be, these truths are irrefutable, they are what keeps my life anchored. And so the winds of life might blow me away for a second, but my anchors will pull me back to where I belong. Ain’t it wonderful? I will never lose my way, never.

            There is a warfare going on and your ministry is instrumental in this warfare. Satan is destroying families because he understands that if he can turn wives against their husbands and vice versa, there’s a pretty good chance that he will get to the children. If these pattern is not broken, those children will go and replicate the same brokenness with their spouses and consequently their children and on and on it goes….

            This is not just about us submitting to our husbands or about our husbands loving us, it is about us standing with Christ and fighting for His cause. It’s about us understanding that the desires of this life are temporary and in as much as God cares about it, He is more concerned about our eternity. If devil can get us focused on our husbands, on what they are doing or not doing, we become weapons in his hands, and he works through us to tear down not just the ones we love, but the onesHe loves, the ones He died for. We can thwart our husband’s purpose on this earth because we spent too much time looking at him as our enemy rather than a person who is broken just like we are.

            No one can hurt our men, like we can because we are their weakness, their soft place. Why do you think satan went through Eve? Adam was willing to sacrifice His place with God for his wife. This is such an important thing for me April, I am 37 years old and still dealing with my own scars and I have God, imagine the situation of those who don’t.

            I hope that my fellow sisters will see your ministry as a call from God asking us to hold the hands of our men, build our homes like wise women, maintain the hedge around it so that the serpent does not break through and bite, trust Me with the rest.

            Thank you.

          9. Hi Jennifer,

            You are right. God works with us in stages. I have come a very long way with Him. I remember when He thought me that I was significant, that changed my life! And then from there about 8 years ago, he help me discover my own identity because most of my life, I had relied on people’s definition of who I was. I learnt how I liked to dress, eat, wear makeup etc…..He definitely does it in stages. I think He brings us to a place where we are ready for the issue to be addressed and then He does it. That’s what He’s done for me. There’s yet work to be done, some that I’m not even I aware of but like you said, He will complete the work He has begun in us. Amen my sister.

        3. Muna,
          I hope the following article will be of benefit to you.
          WOUNDS
          “It has been said, ‘Time heals all wounds.’ Yet, for
          the untreated or poorly treated wound, time will infect,
          then scar. With the unset or improperly set bone, time
          will knit, then lame. Treat the wound properly, set the
          bone aright, then time becomes the servant of ‘healing’
          and ceases to be its enemy. As it is with the body,
          so it is with the soul, the interaction, the conversation
          and the relationship.” Tom Petit

          After reading the statement above, I was led to develop the analogy a little more:

          Oftentimes when we receive a wound we quickly cover it up with a bandage….a mask, if you will….hoping it will go away. We want it to heal but somehow think that the way for that to happen is to pretend it isn’t there and go on like everything is fine.

          We believe the lie that “time heals all wounds” if we just leave it alone. So we just ignore it and think we’ve done all there is to do. By leaving it alone, though, it ends up getting dirty and infected, placing us in a position where we are on a path of constant pain that will never lead toward healing.

          Once we are at this point we become afraid to try and do anything about it, because we think that the steps it will take to fix it correctly will be more painful than handling the pain we are dealing with in its current condition. We don’t want to accept that the current pain will continue to linger and can never heal in the state that it is in.

          In order to truly heal we must realize that we need to go to The Great Physician. He will first remove the old bandage (mask). Some of the flesh will come off and expose an open, raw wound. This is painful, but we have to believe the truth that this kind of pain is worth it in order to heal. It is only then that the wound can be examined, cleansed and treated by our Doctor. Part of the healing process may include rubbing salt in the wound. OUCH! But it is for the best, we finally understand.

          After this point we can rightfully believe that it will take time for it to heal. However, that’s okay because the festering infection has been treated and the pain is beginning to subside. In the end there may be a scar, but it is much better than the painful, untreated infected sore we’ve been living with.

          The next time we receive a wound hopefully we’ll handle things differently. Instead of trying to handle things on our own by covering up the wound and pretending like it doesn’t exist, we will choose to go to The Great Physician right away and allow Him to walk us through the proper treatment. The healing process will be less painful, occur quicker and will not leave us permanently scarred and damaged. We’ll wonder why we ever wanted to try and take care of things ourselves in the first place!

          1. Hi Susan,

            You are definitely right, He is the Great Physician and as long as we are honest with Him and ourselves, those scars will come off and the wounds will heal.

  15. Attractiveness is not simply a physical equation and there are many inputs beyond physical attributes that factor into the equation. For this man I could break it down to into four different categories that effect how attractive my wife is.

    First, would be character. Things like how she treats others, how she mothers, her walk with God and her personality. Even the Bible asks, a wife of noble character who can find? They are rare. And they are very attractive.

    Second, would be how she treats me. Is she respectful, warm, does she got my back, truly reliable, trustworthy & faithful. And yes, submission plays into this. Can I trust her with my dreams, doubts, faults, etc. Especially in today’s world, having a wife who excels in this department is rare thing. All rare things are beautiful- doesn’t matter whether we are taking about precious metals or gems, natural wonders or wives.

    Third, would be enthusiasm in as you gals call it “intimacy”. Willingness & enthusiasm covers a multitude of birth stretch marks, grey hairs & pounds. It’s a gal’s site I won’t say any more.

    Fourth, is physical appearance. No matter how you break it down it matters. But the things is most women can do wonders simply by wearing clothing their husbands like, their hair the way their husband likes and *smiling*.

      1. Smiling is the alpha and omega of makeup for women. Other makeup is nice to look at, but without warm and SINCERE smiles, all else is pointless. I the Apostle Paul was a women, he would have written that right along with the “without love I am a clanging cymbal” verse.

        😉

  16. It was very comforting to read that I’m not the only one. I reached out to touch my husband today trying to flirt with him and got a “look” and, “What’s your problem, can’t you see I’m lying down?” which I have received many times before. This time I simply said, “No, I don’t have a problem, I just thought I would like to touch you and last I knew it was all right for a wife to touch her husband.” Then I got up and left to get busy with the chores that needed doing. He has rejected me so often (a year and a half now, and prior to that only once a year for the past three years), that now I’m used to it. At the beginning it was VERY tough. Now it’s not so bad. There is plenty to do; I have six children (I am the poster child for high fertility rates and “it only takes one time at the right time”), even though I do chart and keep an NFP schedule.

    I have kept the NFP schedule from very early in our marriage, and he can see the calendar, just in case that was what bothered him, but he never said. It’s something that just wasn’t ever discussed, and it was hard. But God blessed me and gave me so many things to fill my hours that I found I could keep busy morning, noon and night. At first I saw couples who showed signs of affection in public, and would nearly go wild with jealousy and loneliness — “BUT I WANT THAT TOO!!!! I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA” — but God kept on giving me things to do, I learned I could scream to Him about how I wanted to be loved, and He’d hear me, and I learned I could snuggle my baby, hug my toddler and read a book to him, I could find consolation in the affection of a six year old who would come in with a wild flower for me — little things. And finally there came a day when I’d be standing holding a child’s hand with one hand, a car seat in the other and try to corral all the kids alone, see a couple together with a husband who obviously loved his wife and was helping get all the kids together…..and I could truly be happy for them and wish them well without envy because I knew God was with me helping me corral my kids! 🙂 I knew if I experienced temptation, He was there with a chore that needed to be done, or a book I hadn’t yet read, or a creative activity I could do to keep me from sinning. Yes, I’d have to say this post was a trigger, but it enabled me to shed some very cleansing tears. And it is all good because it is all given by God. Everything is a gift, just sometimes you can’t find that gift right away. Sometimes you just have to tell Him, “Lord, I know You are giving me a gift, but right now I just can’t find it. But I trust one day I will.” And you always do.

    1. Anonymous,

      You are definitely not the only one – this is a fairly common issue for many wives. I can feel your pain in my heart just reading about your situation. My heart aches for you!

      I’m glad that you keep the calendar visible and that you want to be available to him. This is obviously not what marriage is intended to be like. But I praise God that you are seeking Him wholeheartedly and allowing yourself to stay busy with other things and appreciating what you do have.

      I love that part at the end! I’m crying tears with you, my dear sister! And it is all good because it is all given by God. Everything is a gift, just sometimes you can’t find that gift right away. Sometimes you just have to tell Him, “Lord, I know You are giving me a gift, but right now I just can’t find it. But I trust one day I will.” And you always do.

      Thank you so much for sharing. What God is doing in you is beautiful!!!! I think your story will be a great encouragement to many other wives who are facing this same fiery trial.

      Much love and the biggest hug to you!

      1. Several of the gifts I received — I perfected my French and can now not only teach my kids, but several other people’s children (we homeschool). We also added Latin and Greek classes to our co-op. I have made my daughter several outfits (since we can’t find much in the way of modest clothing) and we FINALLY figured out how to crochet — I can sew up a storm, but crocheting and knitting? Yow. I can’t do a blessed thing with a crochet hook and a pair of knitting needles….but we (my daughter and I) finally managed to crochet a square that is really a square and not a lopsided quadrilateral. Whether or not we get beyond squares still remains to be seen. Also started making long full skirts for the girls in the church since we have a lot of people who don’t know how or don’t have time to sew; so I do that nights. It’s earned extra money and has really taken off.

  17. Hi April

    I have a few concerns/questions under the umbrella of God, marriage, separation, reconciliation and raising children. They’re off topic from this specific post. Where may I ask them?

  18. Hello April,

    I wanted to ask you something that’s been an issue lately (and, I guess, has been an issue for longer than that: I just didn’t realize it).

    Early this month, we were blessed with our beautiful son. When he was born, he wasn’t breathing properly and they had to jiggle him a bit and put him on oxygen to get his first cry out. It turned out the placenta had abrupted early and was affecting his oxygen supply. He was born over Labor Day weekend, and I was unable to get a hold of the dr I was going to have perform the circumcision, so I had to wait on that. Before we left the hospital, it turned out he was jaundiced and had to be put on a billi blanket.

    The billi blanket they gave me stopped working (there was a short in the wire or something) halfway through the night, and it wasn’t until nighttime the next day that we got the new one. I had to call several times to get the new one. I also had to take him in for tests every day to check his bilirubin levels. My daughters have a pediatrician through one group, and I have another medical group. I wanted him to be seen by the pediatrician, but because I’m with another group (and he counts as “me” for the first thirty days), i had to get a referral for him to see her.

    He was also tongue-tied, which made breastfeeding incredibly painful. I wanted the pediatrician to do a lingual frenectomy, and was told she’d have to send a referral for that. I was able to get the referral and procedure done, and though breastfeeding has been LESS painful, it’s still hurting. In addition, all of his labs have had to be done through my medical group’s labs rather than the medical group belonging to the pediatrician. This meant going to the pediatrician’s every day to pick up the lab slip, to then bring him to the lab my group uses. I wasn’t able to get his circumcision done until he was nine days old.

    I have two daughters: he’s my first son. Never, EVER dealt with circumcision before (in fact, knew nothing about the procedure till I watched a video on youtube: glad I did or I’d be REALLY freaked out). The paper I was provided told me to apply gentle pressure to stop bleeding, and also to keep an eye out for yellow pus. Well, the first day after I removed the bandage, he started bleeding and scared me half to death. I couldn’t get it to stop and he was screaming. I took him into the drs office (tears streaming down my face, I was so scared/worried) and by then, the blood had clotted a bit. The dr said some oozing blood is normal. Then today I see yellow (what looks like) pus. Everything in my personal experience said it was getting infected: yellow stuff, swollen, and red. Again, I freaked out. I went in for the lab slip and asked if he could be seen really quickly by a nurse. They said I’d have to make an appt (for the next morning), but I thought, “If it’s really an infection, he could get a fever and be really badly off by then,” so I told them I thought I’d take him to Urgent Care instead.

    They then told me I could go downstairs to their lab for his bilirubin testing. I tried to explain that I’d had to get a lab slip for my lab all week long, but they told me to just go downstairs and ask there. I asked them downstairs and they told me to call my medical group to see which course of action to take (after I’d been getting the lab slip all week). My doctor’s office was on lunch then (they take a two hour lunch) so I had to wait until after that before I could get an answer. When I did, they told me it’d be fine to do what I’ve been doing all week, so I called the pediatrician’s nurse back, got my three kids ready, and ran up and got the lab slip. However, by the time I got to the lab, it was closed. 🙁 Before I’d done that, I called my sister-in-law (who has two sons), and she said some yellow discharge, swelling, and redness is normal. That was reassuring.

    Sorry for such a long message. I wanted you to understand where I’m coming from before I explain the rest of it… now that you have ALL that information, I can go on to where it’s become an issue between my husband and I.

    We have one reliable vehicle (the other one won’t start every time it rains). He usually uses the unreliable one, but it rained yesterday and wouldn’t start. Today, he was hoping to use the reliable car, but it’s also the family vehicle, and I’d told him about all the things that’d happened and told him I’d need to use it today (to go to urgent care/get bloodwork done). He got frustrated that he couldn’t take the car (because when I have to bring it to him, he doesn’t have as much time for lunch… he was afraid he wasn’t going to get a chance to eat).

    He also told me that I didn’t need to freak out and that I needed to trust the Lord. I agree that I need to trust the Lord… but I also prefer to take action when it comes to our kids’ health, because you never really know when it’s going to be something serious. Part of the reason I feel this way is because my youngest daughter had a cold at around a year old, and I thought it was probably nothing. She still had a cold about a week or two later, and though I thought I was crazy for doing it, I took her to Urgent Care just in case. I was sure they were going to tell me it was nothing and that she was fine. While they were doing triage, however, they checked her oxygen levels. They weren’t getting where they wanted them to be. It turned out she had RSV virus and was struggling just to breathe… and I didn’t even know it. It was horrifying to know that, when I thought everything was fine and I was probably overreacting, she was having SO much trouble. They had us take an ambulance to a children’s hospital, where she was on breathing treatments and oxygen for THREE days.

    Many times when something is going on with my family’s health (we have NF1 in our family as well: my husband and daughters all have it), I have to really get on the cases of the medical people involved to get the things done that need to be done. It can be incredibly frustrating as I constantly have to go behind them and recheck and re-ask about referrals. Many times I have to call one office, then the other, then back to the first, then to the other… literally like I’m playing phone pong. If I’m not that proactive, things don’t get done,

    So when something goes wrong (or I think it may be), I do tend to start to go a little bit into overdrive and can get extremely stressed (because it seems they try to make things as difficult as humanly possible sometimes). When this happens, my husband tells me to trust the Lord, which I agree I need to get better at. However, sometimes he’ll say, “Everything is fine,” or “Everything is going to be fine,” which I know, but I want to take action and ensure that things will be fine. When I choose to take the kids in to Urgent Care (in spite of whether he’s said they’ll be OK), it upsets him. To the point where he becomes VERY frustrated.

    He told me today, “You say you trust me but you don’t. I said everything was gonna be fine today and it was. But you didn’t believe me. I’m just tired of it. You didn’t have to take the car after all and you weren’t even able to get the bloodwork done anyway.” I apologized for making him feel that way, and he said, “You don’t ‘make me feel that way,’ you just plain don’t trust me. If you did, you wouldn’t freak out and you’d listen to me when I say it’s going to be fine.” I tried to explain to him that it’s partly because I am the one mainly responsible for our children’s health, among other things, so I tend to want to take action and exercise precaution. He told me I do this all the time, where he’ll tell me they’re fine and I take them to Urgent Care or something anyway, and it ends up costing us more money when it’s sometimes nothing.

    I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t forgive myself if I thought something was wrong and then decided not to take them in “just in case” because he said they’d be fine, and then things weren’t fine. I tried to explain that it was nothing personal, and that I just want to ensure their safety and health. I think he takes it as a personal insult if he says they’re fine and I take them in anyway… what am I supposed to do? Neither of us have any experience in nursing or any aspect of the medical profession… I trust him as my husband, but I do know that both (or either) of us can be wrong about our children’s health, considering we are not medical professionals. I wouldn’t expect him to trust me on something I know little to nothing about (and become offended if he doesn’t).

    He said he’s also upset because he tells me to trust the Lord and I am not doing that… he’s right in that I’m definitely not putting my trust in Him the way I should when something is going wrong. I find it really easy to trust the Lord to provide for all my needs and take care of my family when everything’s going right. When things happen that fall to me, however, I have a really hard time REALLY trusting Him. I say I do… and I really try to… but I’m not following through correctly or I wouldn’t freak out like I do.

    I think part of it is because my husband has asked me to take care of finances, homeschool our daughter, work part-time, and take care of medical-related things. I know that if something goes wrong in those areas, it’s basically my fault, so I tend to freak out about them and stress. I’ve forgotten appointments before, been late on payments before… and I really hear about it from him when those things happen. I think that, in part, adds to my stress, because in trying to take care of all the things, I am also processing how it’ll affect my husband and whether it’s going to upset him (that was part of the reason I freaked out earlier when they said I’d have to wait to hear from my dr’s office about the lab slip: I knew he wouldn’t want me to take the car today).

    How can I get better at chilling out in general, and giving things to the Lord, while explaining to my husband that I sometimes need to take action for the sake of our children’s health (if it may be something really serious), regardless of his opinion of whether it’s serious? Is it wrong for me to want to ensure my childrens’ health in spite of what my husband thinks about it?

    I think I’ll ask your husband this as well… I hope my letter isn’t too long for him. If you’d like, you can give him the bullet-point version. I’m still no good at this, but I’ve noticed you are quite adept. 🙂

    Thanks so much… I look forward to hearing from you (when it’s convenient for you).

    Thanks again,

    BlessedOut

    1. J,

      I can totally relate to you, my sweet sister! I have completely panicked over things in the past and taken our children to the dr or even the ER unnecessarily. Of course, being a pharmacist, and having a history of a lot of medical issues myself – I do have some medical training and experience. But, especially with a baby – I can understand how a mama might freak out and might go to the doctor when things are not as bad as she might think.

      When our daughter was 2 weeks old, she had a fever of 100F so I took her to the hospital. They admitted her and kept her for 3 days because babies under 8 weeks old can’t mount an adequate immune defense and could have something really serious like meningitis but their fever would only be 100. And our son, when he was 3, had a severe anaphylactic reaction to nuts – and I completely freaked out and demanded that Greg take us to the ER. He thought it was no big deal – but he had never seen anaphylaxis before and didn’t know how quickly someone’s throat could swell and they could die. I’m really glad we went that time even though he didn’t want to.

      Then there were other times when I took the kids to the ER and it was unnecessary. Our son had RSV at 11 months and didn’t have to be hospitalized, but it was still very scary. Our daughter had RSV, but it was more mild, and I ended up taking her to the ER because her breathing was faster than normal – and they were not concerned at all.

      The thing is – sometimes I am right about that things might be really bad. And sometimes I am just panicking and the kids are really fine. And sometimes he is right about that they don’t need to go, but sometimes I am right that they do need to go.

      Have there been times I didn’t trust Greg and/or didn’t trust God? Yes.

      And when you are a sleep deprived, hormonal new mama – is it easier to freak out? YES!

      But I can also understand your husband wanting to have access to a working car and getting frustrated about the freaking out.

      Last spring, our son had something in his eye the morning before school. I tried to get it out. I thought it was out. He didn’t tell me until 4:50pm that afternoon, that the speck was still in hi eye. I couldn’t wash it out or get it out. The eye doctors offices were all closing at 5pm, it was a Friday afternoon. I have had patients who had things stuck in their eye for days and didn’t get it treated right away who had major complications and it was scary. I panicked and got my son in the car, calling Urgent Care as we went. They don’t handle things like that. We ended up going to the ER. I didn’t really talk to Greg about it first. I didn’t stop to pray about it. I just reacted and panicked. They numbed his eye and used a wet Q-tip to get the speck out that was over his cornea. It was about $1000 for that trip.

      Could I have stopped, prayed, calmed down, and discussed things with Greg first? Yes. Should I have done that? Yes, I think so. I was trying to get to an optometrist’s office before any of them closed, and called some on the way, but they were all closing and would not wait.

      Did I do the right thing? I don’t really know. I hate the thought of my son having something stuck in his eye all the next night and then ending up with a corneal ulcer or something. Could he have been okay until the next morning? Maybe. And then it would have only been about $80 to see an optometrist. Greg was understanding. But that was a really big bill.

      I do understand that your husband feel that you are panicking possibly for nothing and that he feels insulted that you don’t trust him. And I understand your concern for your children’s health, especially after that scare with RSV. It is definitely more complicated because of the car situation.

      It is not wrong for you to want your children to be healthy and safe. But there could be times when he is right that they are really okay. It can be difficult to determine when to take them to the ER and when to wait for the doctor the next day. I totally understand that you feel like you couldn’t forgive yourself if you thought something was wrong and didn’t take them.

      I think this is something about which to pray in each circumstance and to seek to hear God’s prompting. That can be tricky to do when things are going wrong. But perhaps, if it is not a dire emergency, you can stop and take a moment to pray. And maybe your husband is right sometimes. You could certainly listen to his wisdom and advice and consider it in prayer. Hopefully, once your baby is with the pediatrician’s office, you could also call and speak to a nurse to help you decide what to do. Some doctor’s offices will let you send in pictures – so you may be able to send a pic to the nurse of the infected site, and the nurse may be able to tell you if that is an emergency situation that needs to be treated right away, or if it can wait a day or so.

      Ultimately – you have to do what you believe is best for your children’s health. But – you can seek to slow down a bit, if possible, and trust God and your husband more in the process, too.

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you!

      Love,
      April

    2. BlessedOut,

      Your story sounds similar to mine, although we don’t have the health issues you have to deal with. I also take care of all the finances, homeschool the kids, work part time from home (I have my own cottage business, no direct sales or MLM though, been there and tried that and it doesn’t work for me), and deal with all the health issues. In our case, my husband worries more than I do and has the tendency to take the kids to the doctor more than I do; he worries that something will go very bad all the time and I don’t worry as much. I will also hear about it like you wouldn’t believe if something goes wrong.

      My kids are older than yours — my oldest is twelve — but what finally helped me was (1) keeping stuff to myself, or (2) talking to another Mom with kids that more or less matched up to mine and in similar circumstances. I have one friend who homeschools and whose kids pretty much match up to mine, and who also has a very tight budget, so she home remedies as much as she possibly can; cuts her dr. bills to the barest possible minimum. So we can work on that and we just commiserate if things start to feel like we’re about to go nuts.

      On a practical side, you might want to think about getting into contact with some other mothers who have children with the same issues as yours; maybe they might have some suggestions on how to handle things at home with it. The other suggestion I know is easier said than done, but trying to calm down in the midst of a health crisis is a huge asset to everything starting to get better.

      The other thing I did — and I know this might not be considered great, but it helps — when your husband starts in on you, nod, smile, agree. Keep calm and carry on. What else can you do?

      Frankly, you can try and try and try to accomodate somebody when you are carrying the load on both shoulders and on your back, but if you keep trying to do that and accomodate him at the same time, you will give yourself a recipe for burnout. Before you get to the point I got to (and it was bad), just learn to let it roll off your back. Then keep doing what you know needs to be done.

      Just my opinion; please don’t take that as anything more than the advice of someone who kept trying to accomodate and be more submissive, if that’s the right word, and ended up nearly going crazy by doing so. While I will be the first to say that I do not have a good marriage (I don’t), at least I have my health and my sanity back, and a GREAT life with six of the most awesome children in the world, and God is always with me showering me with one blessing after another to the point that I feel spoiled rotten. 🙂

      Give yourself a break, too, for the fact that you just had a sweet little one. I wish I could be there to help you with your babies; I have older kids who love babies and wish we had more. It’s hard to get back to normal with a tiny one, especially one with health problems, and you are doing a wonderful job as a Mom. We all love you and we’ll mention you, BlessedOut, when we pray tonight.

      ((((Hugs)))))

      1. Anonymous,

        Thank you for sharing with BlessedOut from the trenches! I think you offered a lot of very helpful ideas. You are a blessing. 🙂

        Ladies,

        Just to clarify, in case there is any misunderstanding – and there often is on the topic of submission….
        Biblical submission is not about – nodding, smiling, and agreeing all the time. Thankfully!! We do have the freedom to share our concerns, feelings, needs, and wisdom. There can be times it is wise not to try to disagree. But always agreeing out of fear or a desire to avoid conflict is not the goal.

        I am very concerned when women believe they can’t share their ideas or feeling in a marriage. That can be just as destructive and unhealthy as a woman who steamrolls her husband and takes control herself, like I did. I have seen women give up their personhood and their influence and stop giving any input into a marriage, and these women often end up having a nervous breakdown or getting very, very sick. So I do want I be clear that is not what I am talking about doing with biblical submission.

        If you do not believe you are safe to share your concerns or to ever disagree in your marriage, please seek trusted, appropriate help, my dear sisters!

        And if you believe you are not physically safe, get to a safe computer and please visit http://www.thehotline.org for resources about domestic violence and abuse.

        I want everyone to be safe and healthy in every marriage!

        1. Just to clarify, here we are talking about the kind of person who, no matter what, cannot be pleased. There is no open line of communication and never will be because it’s just not possible. What I mean and am trying to say is, the only person you can change is yourself, and sometimes you have to face the reality that the other person is never going to change. Forgive him so you can move on and live life in the way you need to, especially if you have children and need to model a healthy way to live for them. That’s what I finally had to do. Nothing has changed in my life and in my marriage, except me and the way I choose to respond. That is basically what you have to do — grieve the loss of a hope, and realign your expectations and life to the reality you have.

          1. Anonymous,

            Thank you for that clarification. That would be a really tough scenario. Ugh!!!! 🙁

            I really appreciate you sharing. Praying for God’s wisdom, power, joy, peace, and strength for you in this time, my dear sister!

  19. A thought to share – I used to think my husband’s attractiveness to me was everything as I thought it showed my value. I didn’t say that, but that’s how I behaved in response to it. Now, I see it more akin to a woman’s feelings – it can give information but to put much stock in it is unwise. The man may be unaware of all the prep (and cost of said prep) to look ‘naturally’ beautiful and turned off by her legitimate effort as it removed some of the mystery.

    The man may be feeling inferior spiritually/emotionally or financially because he needs to have a particular role in order to feel significant. He may even feel inferior because she works hard to make her body look great as a gift to him while his body doesn’t look as great. Sometimes a man may be fatigued with all the growth required in a relationship and just doesn’t feel like putting forth the effort as he wants to not have to worry about loving his wife just getting what he needs.

    Sometimes a woman does all that is healthy and reasonable and her man may still not be satisfied because of what he’s hung up on. They can be bottomless pits too! These are the real life examples I know of. The men in these situations may be in need of compassion and time to mature but the woman must continue to surround herself with lots of love and personal acceptance.

    Her understandable neediness doesn’t usually help the situation but can undermine her efforts. I also have found it can be much easier to receive a complement from another person’s spouse – for a number of reasons. I enjoy the charming complements when they come but I don’t put too much stock in these either.

    REALLY freeing to know what matters is how God sees you and your heart towards Him (and others as an extension of that love). It’s also nice to know this doesn’t have to be what defines one’s marriage. Great post and great song.

    1. Refined,

      LOVE this. Very powerful!!!!!!! Thank you so much!

      Yes, men can be bottomless pits of need, too. They can idolize a woman’s appearance, or sex, or money, or respect – anything, just like we can idolize almost anything. They have their own issues to wrestle with before God, just like we do.

      There are times when a husband’s expectations can be unreasonable and unhealthy of his wife. In such situations, I believe that our goal must continue to be to please Christ alone – to seek to bless our husbands as it is possible, but not to get hung up on something that is truly unreasonable or impossible.

  20. Peaceful Wife,

    What advice would you have for a wife who is not physically attracted to her husband?

    I have searched for information on this topic on your website and haven’t been able to find any.

      1. Peaceful Wife,

        Reading these posts has helped but I guess I’m looking for something from a different angle. I have read a lot about husbands being unloving and not affectionate enough but what about a wife who has an affectionate husband and she isn’t interested in receiving the affection? That’s my situation and I know it sounds terrible. But let me explain. I believe my husband is physically attracted to me but I struggle in reciprocating the affection. When I first met him, I was not attracted to him at first (looked different from the pictures I had seen) but I wanted to give him a chance. We met online and had talked for a couple of months prior to meeting. I thought at the time that it would be selfish and vain to break up with someone just because they weren’t quite what I was looking for physically but had other traits I admired and wanted in a spouse. So we kept dating and got married about 6 months later. I feel like I didn’t give the relationship time to mature to see if this would be a lasting love instead of being tricked by feelings of euphoria. My husband is a good man but honestly I have been disappointed by some things he has done and sides of his personality I hadn’t seen before. It seems like with time, I am growing more and more emotionally detached from him. It’s hard for me to force myself to show affection that I’m not feeling inside.

        I don’t think I love my husband the way a wife should, in a romantic way. I do care about him and I see him as a good friend but I don’t think that is enough. I do struggle with submission and respect. I don’t have a high opinion of men just from childhood and experiences with my father but I am trying to put that all behind me. I have been unkind and unloving to my spouse many, many times and I try to make a decision to stop doing that and yet I do it again. I confess it to God but I still struggle with it. I wonder if I could even be saved and struggle with something like this.

        Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

        1. RJ,

          Did you read the one about Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction? It had stories of wives who were in very similar positions to yours. As a woman focuses on the things she does respect and on becoming filled with Christ – He can empower us to truly begin to respect our husbands. And when we really and truly do admire and respect our husbands, sexual attraction often follows.

          If you have deep seated issues with not trusting men from your childhood – that could be a HUGE factor in what is going on here, too. Would you like to talk about that a bit and we can hash through it together?

          Have you ever read Lies Women Believe and The Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss?

          What do you believe about God’s love for you?

          What do you believe about God’s character?

          How do you believe you can have a right relationship with God?

          Do you believe God is trustworthy and good and that you don’t have to worry that He might have evil motives toward you?

          What are your greatest fears?

          What do you believe you need to be happy?

          Much love and the biggest hug to you!

          1. RJ,

            If there are serious problems in your marriage – or major unrepentant sin in your husband’s life – please let me know. That will require an altered approach.

          2. Hi Peacefulwife,

            I would like to go through these questions but I honestly don’t feel comfortable doing so in a public forum. I will be contemplating them and I appreciate your insight. It helps just to share with someone.

          3. RJ,

            I can understand that it may be best not to post these publicly. You may send them to me on at private message on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page if you would prefer. 🙂

          4. April and RJ,

            I’m sorry…I so regret answering the personal questions through comments. My husband would be so displeased to see/know those personal answers are on the internet! April, will you delete those comments from me. 🙁

    1. Hi RJ,

      April is right. Though I have never experienced what you are going through, I have found that choosing to do or rather willing to do what the word of God says puts me in the position to receive the grace I need to do what I have to do.

      It’s also important to understand that 1) you may have chosen to marry your husband, but God had ultimate control whether that plan came to pass or not. So, would you have married your husband if God didn’t want you to?

      2) Would God give you something that would hurt you? In other words, if God knew that marrying your husband will not benefit you in any way, would He have allowed you to marry him?

      3) When you look at your husband, from whose perspective are you looking at him? From yours, from God’s or from the devil? How can you tell? God never divides, it’s not His nature. And His perspective is the right one because He’s the Truth.

      4) Serve your husband from a place of God’s love and humility, treasure him if for nothing else, for being precious to God and for the fact that Christ died for him and watch God bless you.

      Remember that we do not war against flesh and blood, God will deal with your real enemies after your obedience to him is complete.

      Who created secular attraction? God did and He will give it to you in spades….Love your husband, if he has sinned against you, forgive him as God forgives you, if he’s unrepentant, pray for him but by all means, love him because love, faith and hope are the most powerful forces on this earth, it can move mountains.

      Stay in His love.

  21. As to the women who marry too soon, and use their head to override their heart, this is the biggest reason I avoided marriage. Given my more or less average looks, I have always sensed that the women in my life see me as a safe bet, rather than a guy to wanted on actual merit.

    You have to satisfy both head and heart or it is better not to marry. I spared both myself and my potential wife a heartbreaking disappointment. Her, for making a mistake, and me for being one.

    The cautionary tale is that we cannot allow ourselves to rationalize our way into marriage.

    1. Oh, and shorter height with thinning hair (full disclosure). I always knew I was on thin ice in the marriage market, and I feel I made the right decision being wary of the occasional interest I managed to “attract”.

      1. Hi Jack,

        I forgot to add this to my previous comment, there’s a woman out there specifically made for you, a woman that will love everything about you, she will not be perfect by any means but she will love all that you are. Ask the Giver of every good and perfect gift to send her your way, believe that His answer is a yes and start making room in your life for her….

        And when she does show up, please update us so we can celebrate with you.

      2. Jack,

        You know – I think it is possible for us to develop fixed beliefs that become absolute truth in our minds – even if it is not actually true. I believed as a teenager that “no guy could ever possibly be attracted to me” because one guy made fun of my lack of a figure in 7th grade. There were actually lots of guys interested in me – but I couldn’t see it. I just thought they wanted to be my friend. I was convinced that it was impossible for a guy to be attracted – so I saw the actions of guys through that filter and would explain it away whenever one was attracted to me. It was strange – I wanted a boyfriend, but I could not receive any guy’s attention.

        I think it is dangerous when we assume we understand what other people are thinking or that they couldn’t possibly be attracted to us. Maybe some people wouldn’t be – but there could be some who could be genuinely attracted, and we may end up inadvertently sabotaging a potentially great relationship because of our own beliefs about others’ motives. That would be really sad!

        1. True April, we have to know God’s truth or we’ll believe the enemy’s lies….I too believed I wasn’t pretty enough and people made fun of me until I realized that they were wrong.

    2. Hi Jack,

      Who told you that your looks are average whether more or less? God made you perfect! If He calls you fearfully and wonderfully made, why would you call yourself average? You have also believed that you didn’t marry because you want to spare your potential wife the disappointment of marrying you, my brother, put this wisdom against God’s truth and you will find it to be false. When God told the Israelite to go spy out the land of Canaan, they came back saying that they were like grasshoppers in their own eyes and so we’re like grasshoppers in the eyes of the canaanites.

      God said that it’s not good for man to be alone and you have decided that in your case, it is good for you to be alone. Are you saying that God lied or that you are so different that the rules don’t apply to you? My brother please examine the logic behind these things you hold as truth, hold them against the word of God which is the Way, the Truth and the Life and you will see them for the lies that they are.

      You are my brother and I will be praying for you.

      1. Without de-railing the thread, I can give you a quick answer: I was told that in a roundabout way by the Christian women I was interested in.

        I think the reason I had so much trouble finding a Christian girlfriend/wife was that in my era, the Christian women wanted to date briefly, then marry soon. Since the church girls had not become quite as worldly as they are these days, they kind of knew there was not much chance to pin down “Mr Perfect”. As such, and since they were not promiscuous, they would only date guys who met their Mr Perfect specification.

        I had much less trouble dating secular women, and their more casual morality could have easily allowed me to slip into worldly behavior (I avoided that). However, they were not interested in really being righteous, and I would generally lose them in the “potential marriage” area. They wanted to date and have fun, not be married anytime soon.

        So, my choices were to fall into worldly promiscuity, or “date” unsaved women who would generally drift away once things did not become sexual, or continue to get the nuclear rejections from the church girls who were looking to score a hole-in-one on the first swing, getting Mr tall dark and handsome with lots-o-status.

        When a person becomes convinced of their own wonderfulness, they often begin to permit themselves the luxury of small cruelties and dismissive irritability to those that they think are beneath them.

        This entirely characterized my experience with the majority of church/Christian girls I knew. I eventually left the Church to get away from their attitudes. This is the fruit of a permissive girl-power culture and doting fathers who are too timid to instill the fear of the Lord in their daughters, instead preferring to elevate them “princess style” as a means of gratifying their own fatherly egos.

        I am in my late 40s now, so I am no longer seeking love nor marriage. I am learning to live in peace and with contentment with a solitary life. I cannot see myself every marrying one of these formerly arrogant, picky women, since I think it would show a lack of self respect on my part. Yes, I forgive. But forgiveness does not equal marriage.

        I really don’t want anyone’s sympathy either. What I want to see is this attitude stop, before there is nothing left of a Christian culture in this nation. We are dangerously close to that now.

        1. Jack,

          I’m so very sorry to learn about what awful experiences you had with women in the church. It breaks my heart.

          There are many problems in the Christian culture today – including with professing Christian women. I long to see and desperately pray for a massive Great Awakening among us all. I want God to use me to be part of that in any way He would like to use me.

    3. Jack,

      There are women who are into looks primarily. But – there are also women for whom looks are not the primary thing. I know you have had many frustrating and disappointing experiences with women who profess Christ. That breaks my heart! But I do want to encourage you that there are women for whom height and thinning hair wouldn’t be a big issue. They would focus more on your heart for Christ, your character, your personality, and the joy you have in Jesus.

  22. Such a painful issue. The OP’s experience is likely many women’s at some point in their lives.
    What has helped me after years of wrestling with body issues after childbearing and a husband who had high standards previously (body building and previous Po-n use which gave high expectations for the body beautiful) was letting go. He always showed affection and still does but his comments about ‘beautiful women’, ‘sexy women’ and sideways glances plus the info from For Women Only book took its toll on me over the years and I felt i would never measure up. How did I cope? Finally letting go.
    What that meant was accepting there are seasons in life and the one of feeling sexually desirable was coming to a close (at 40), accepting that I was never going to be ‘hot’ again and that ship has sailed. I howled and shed many many tears as I wrestled with the inevitable loss.
    But what was so painful? The loss of who I thought I was, it had been part of my identity. I had felt beautiful once, desirable and was confident to bring that to our bed. But I had to grieve the loss. A psychiatrist family friend once said that when one grieves they must do it fully, with all emotions so it passes fully, do not bury it. So that’s what’s been happening, accepting the loss of the identity I once had.
    Once that loss is grieved in the knowledge that we all must pass through this storm (I work in aged services, it happens to us all at some point) this loss of youthful sexual attractiveness, then the relationship must be reevaluated, it will be very different, the bond will be different without passion and chemistry. We can be kind, respectful and supportive while exploring new passions and interests for ourselves.we no longer need our husbands to be a source of our worth.
    When the pain of loss passes and gratitude for the past and acceptance of today’s season replaces what we once were there will be peace. It can be a slow and difficult journey not unlike teenage breakups and heartbreak but if we look at the rhythms and seasons of life we can accept we too must accept change in the natural seasons. It has been a journey of acceptance.
    May God bless and comfort you all in your personal journey.

    1. Lady,

      My heart breaks for your pain, my dear sister!

      Thank you for sharing about grieving this loss. I actually believe we must all come to the place where we realize that Christ is our only source of true worth – not our beauty, not our husbands, not marriage, not money, or our career, or children, or anything in this world. There is so much peace, power, security, comfort, hope, and blessing in that!

      Sending you a huge hug, and praying for continued healing for you and your husband. Much love to you!

  23. I found this post today. I believe God truly led me to it. It has been posted for some time and of all days today I find it.

    I find myself mourning the loss of the intimacy with my husband. We have been together for 7 years and recently we had “the talk”. I would make several comments about sex or the lack of, finally after not having sex for a continued 2 year span I made my aggravation known. He advised me that he is not attracted to any woman in that because of his past relationships and some medical conditions – but does engage in self pleasure sometimes. I responded in haste that sometime is much more than no times with me.

    He has had attractive women whom he was in relationships with (physically) he makes comments that I am not sure he realizes are painful like “if I wanted a physically attractive person I would have stayed with them,” “you have such a beautiful heart,” “you are cute,” (am I puppy?). Physically I am completely different from anyone woman he has dated or been married to before. The women I see him sneak glances at are not like me.

    I do love him with every fiber in me, but I want to be that longing look, I want to be someone he desires. He said even if I was smaller in size (weighed less and was shorter) he wouldn’t be physically interested in – it hurts. As I type this small comment I sit here with tears running down my cheeks, I feel like I have lost a portion of myself dealing with this, I have always been a confident woman, until him. I need to find a way to come out of this on the other end. I pray about it and ask for forgiveness for my thoughts of infidelity.

    1. soverysad,

      Oh goodness! SOO painful!!!!!! 🙁 I’m very sorry to hear about this!

      Do you believe he may be addicted to porn? It sounds like he may have some medical issues with being able to have sex? Has he talked with the doctor?

      Does he acknowledge that his not having sex with you is very hurtful and a violation of your marriage covenant?

      Did you talk about any of this before marriage? Was it an issue then?

      Have y’all had any counseling?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      I would be glad to point you to some resources for spiritual healing for you and for your marriage, my precious sister!

      Much love to you!

    2. soverysad,
      Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by posting your experience here. As the original author of this article, I wanted to come along side you and let you know that I understand where you are coming from.
      From what you shared, there was something more than looks that drew him to want to spend the rest of his life with you. Although you’d like to have that “look” from him, it appears that he has chosen to not see you in that way. Mourning is reasonable, but don’t let this define your relationship. It isn’t the end of the marriage….just of the attraction part. Try and separate the two from each other.
      I would encourage you to engage with him in the ways I suggested in my posting. It may not cause him to be attracted to you physically, but it will give him opportunities to respond to your investments and will allow him to know that you are invested in the relationship.

    3. Soverysad and other readers,
      I would caution you to prayerfully consider that pornography addiction is very likely the cause of your husband’s lack of drive, particularly since he admitted to engaging in self pleasure “sometimes.” “Sometimes” coming out of an addict’s mouth likely means daily. Any certified sex addictions counselor will give you stats on porn use among Christian men, including pastors, that will blow your mind. This is a rampant and extremely well hidden secret for the MAJORITY of men, Christian or not, and by majority I mean over 75%-80%. With those odds and your husband’s statements and responses…well, you can put 2 +2 together yourself. I would encourage you to make an appointment for yourself with a certified sex addictions counselor. Do not pick any counselor. If you can find a Christian certified sex addictions counselor, even better, but not totally necessary that they be Christian. The counselor can sort things out with you and even help you do an intervention if necessary. I personally would not go down for the count and resign myself to living in a sexless marriage until I had exhausted this route. If your husband is addicted to pornography, it would be an act of mercy for you to intervene. Blessings.

  24. Thank you all for your insight and feedback. Peacefulwife-Addicted to porn-no I do not believe so. Also, no, this was not an issue previously or spoken of before our relationship. We have always had a healthy physical relationship. I feel that it is changing my mood and feelings toward him- I feel there is resentment at times that I have toward him and I want to not feel that way but I can not help. I keep hoping and praying for some sort of peace. Maybe I can take some of the great advise here. Thank you all for your help.

    1. soverysad,

      If he is using self-pleasure “sometimes” – I would encourage you to check out http://www.xxxchurch.org for resources for spouses. And, if possible, it would be helpful for you to know how often “sometimes” is. Is it twice a year or every day? If there are medical issues and ED kinds of issues, I have a post about that here. I also have a post about dealing with rejection here. And one about how to handle feelings of being legitimately deprived in marriage here.

      You are welcome to search my home page for:

      – fear
      – bitterness
      – forgiveness

      Have things changed at all since you talked with him? What is the rest of your relationship like, generally?

      Do you sense that he realizes that it is not right that he is forcing you into celibacy in this marriage?

      Are you facing tempting thoughts with other men, if so, how are you handling that, my precious sister?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Would he be open to going to counseling?

      There is peace and contentment available in Christ – thankfully – no matter what your husband is or is not doing. If you want to talk more about this, we can. 🙂 My greatest concern is for your walk with Christ and getting you as spiritually healthy as possible so that you have the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit to be able to deal with this, and anything else, in a way that is honoring to Christ.
      Much love to you!

  25. It’s a bit discouraging so much of this is about weight. I’m an attractive very fit mother of 3 kids, 125 lbs of muscle, I don’t wear much make up, just a bit, and I hygiene twice a day because of my job. My husband of 14 years however has gained 60 plus lbs, is jobless and addicted to porn and video games. I’ve tried counseling many times, we’ve been separated more than once. His hygiene decreased steadily along with his libido. He’s very set in his ways now and spends the majority of his time in a recliner on games, and up all night on porn. He’s even lost his drivers license from not paying attention to anything but himself and his games. He’s ran up bills, he’s lied, you name it, even talked about how I needed to enlarge my small flat breasts that were muscular, but I agreed and did it . That made no difference either. I married my one and only husband 14 years ago as a completely different man. He was selfish but not to this extent. He yells all the time and acts like a child. He has become I’ll from inactivity now, and nothing has gotten through to him. I sleep alone, and cry a lot. The sex was hard to give up , but not being cared for or loved or listened to is worse. If I tell him I need something, he gives what he thinks I need , nothing, or his own version of what I explicitly told him. He thinks he knows better than me in all things, from his chair creates a difficult family dynamic full of negativity and stress. No book I read will change this, I myself have changed my life in major ways countless times for this man, but he does not value me. Our children are treated like a burden by him. I feel so sorry for them. God never intended marriages to go like this. I thought God blessed our marriage, but I found out it is a big lie and an illusion from what it used to be! No pastor could reach him, no doctor, no counselor, not me.

    1. Hi Mrs. Wilson,
      I’m so sorry for your pain. How sad to see what has become of your husband and how painful it must for you to watch your dream of your marriage die. If I might offer a suggestion? You will often find that marriage advice books come with a disclaimer – that the advice is not to be followed if any of the three A’s are present – abuse, adultery, addiction. For sure, your husband is an addict.

      YOU CANNOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADDICT – the addiction will always come first.

      He is addicted to porn and he is unable to be a husband when he is actively addicted. You say you have “tried everything.” In reality, you have not. You have “tolerated everything,” and thereby have taught your husband that what he is doing is tolerable. Perhaps not preferred, but tolerable. I am assuming that your husband lost his job because of porn addiction? So now you pay all the bills? He has lost his driver’s license, so now you do all the driving? so why should he change? He will only change when the pain from the addiction is greater than the pleasure he derives.

      You stated you were separated for a while – but you have returned and the behavior has continued. I urge you to consider separation yet again, and allow your husband’s choices to land him wherever they will. God will continue to be at work in your husband but it is not necessary for you to remain with him, in these circumstances. It would be a mercy and a kindness to get out of the way and allow him to hit bottom. It is really his last chance.

      I would recommend that you spend time with a certified Christian sex addictions counselor who would coach you through detaching from your husband’s addiction, while still remaining loving. Most importantly, it would teach your children what is acceptable in marriage and what is not. Your son or daughter badly needs to see that.

      April has a disclaimer on her site that these types of problems are beyond her skills. I have read of women on this site who tolerate their husbands having girlfriends at work (“a special friend who he loves to talk to and who understand him”) — being a submissive wife is not going to work when your husband is actively involved in adultery. And being a submissive wife is not going to work when your husband is actively involved with an addiction. Believe me, my husband is undergoing treatment for porn addiction right now and it affects FAR MORE than you could ever imagine. Please put your children first and remove them from this very harmful environment.

      Much love and peace to you in this difficult time.

      1. anonymous today,

        I agree with your advice about a porn addiction this severe (from what this wife described), my dear sister. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

        And yes, I do have disclaimers where I encourage women with severe marriage issues – unrepentant adultery, active addictions, abuse, uncontrolled mental health issues, etc… to seek appropriate counsel or medical help and resources. I am not writing for wives with really serious issues. The Word of God is applicable to all of us – but those dealing with extreme issues will often need specialized counsel and – I believe – one-on-one guidance, prayer, wisdom, and help from experienced godly counselors.

        I also agree that if a man is severely addicted to porn – it may not be possible for a wife to submit to her husband. She can be respectful. She can desire to honor his right leadership. But if there are severe unrepentant sins – there are times a wife may need to separate and establish healthy boundaries to keep herself and her children from the continual toxic effects of the husband’s sin.

        (With minor porn addiction, or minor porn use – I don’t believe separation is usually necessary to lead to healing. But with a severe addiction, there are certainly times it may be necessary for a wife to ask her husband to get the help he needs, but if he refuses, she may have to ask him to leave. Sometimes that is a wake up call that causes a man to realize how bad things have gotten and that he needs to change.)

        A note about “women on this site who tolerate their husbands having girlfriends at work” – if a husband is sexting, flirting, or clearly romantically or sexually involved with another woman – I believe something like that needs to be firmly, yet respectfully addressed by a wife. Some of the women who have shared here have husbands who are texting coworkers who are female. Sometimes it is completely innocent. Sometimes it starts to become more of a friendship. There is a continuum. There can be times when things are pretty innocent and primarily a matter of personal conviction that a wife may not want to make a big deal out of her husband texting a coworker. I have seen wives completely freak out over a husband doing something that is innocent – and repel their husbands from them and toward the other woman. A wife responding with screaming, uncontrolled negative emotion, name-calling, ultimatums, demands, etc… at this point are, in my view, causing a lot more harm than good.

        If she truly trusts him and he is not doing anything specifically wrong. She may want to respectfully share if she has concerns so he is aware that he may be entering potentially dangerous territory. A prudent man will seek to guard his heart and his marriage when approached respectfully by his wife. If he is clearly romantically involved and emotionally involved and talks about her being “his best friend” or he is texting a lot, not just occasionally about work – there is a point where a wife may need to confront her husband.

        Here is a post about confronting our husbands about their sin.

        This post, “Spiritual Authority,” also addresses if a husband is involved in unrepentant sin or asks his wife to follow him into sin or to condone sin, that she cannot do that. She must submit totally to Christ. Submission to a human God-given authority is never absolute. Only our submission to Christ is absolute.

        I pray for God’s direction and wisdom for wives who are in some of the really gray areas that can be difficult to discern. And I pray for those wives who do need to take a firm stand against sin for God’s wisdom, power, strength, and courage to do what is right in His eyes!

    2. Mrs. Wilson,

      The wife who wrote this particular post is writing from her personal experience. Sometimes weight is not the issue at all.

      I have a post about sexual rejection in marriage and go into some of the reasons a husband may not be interested in sex with his wife – one of the reasons is obesity and medically/related issues with impotence. Another reason is a significant porn addiction.

      I’m not sure what is going on with your husband – but it sounds like things are really difficult. 🙁 I’m not sure if there is a depression component – which there often is when men don’t have a job. They tend to feel emasculated and some even have a harder time with being unemployed than dealing with a terminal illness – it takes away such a critical part of a man’s identity not to work and not to provide for his family.

      Are you aware of any mental illness, spiritual issues, other addictions, abuse, anything else that is a battle for either of you?

      Is there any pastor, godly mentoring husband, doctor, or counselor he is willing to talk to?

      It sounds to me like he is not capable of loving in a godly way right now – he is too ensnared in these addictions and the enemy’s traps. 🙁 He sounds very, very unwell spiritually and emotionally from what you are describing.

      True, a book can’t change him. You can’t change him. You may be able to influence him. But you can’t change him. Your job is to be the woman and wife God desires you to be. Sometimes that can mean setting healthy boundaries when there are severe addictions/unrepentant sin going on.

      How is your walk with Christ going? I would be glad to help you find spiritual healing for yourself in Christ. For a husband with a more mild porn addiction, I have some posts about porn, a wife can search my home page for “porn” and you may want to check out the post I have with a prayer for those addicted to porn and those hurt by porn use.

      Here is a resource for those with husbands severely addicted to porn:

      http://www.xxxchurch.com

      Here is a resource for those with emotionally toxic/abusive relationships:

      http://www.leslievernick.com

      I don’t know any details about your husband or yourself, other than what you have shared. I hate the idea of separation unless it is necessary. But there ARE times when separation can be the most healthy thing a wife can do if a husband is living a very destructive, unrepentant lifestyle and refuses to change (Matthew 18:15-17, I Corinthians 7). I pray God will give you wisdom about what He desires you to do, my precious sister. I do pray you will reach out for the resources you need to find healing for yourself and to make the most wise decisions for yourself and your children as you pray for God to reach your husband. He is the only one who can open his eyes.

      Thank you for reaching out for help!

      Much love!

  26. I am going through this, is really painful because is only been a year since we got married im 25 and hes 33 and my husband suffers from Erectile dysfuntion and ptsd he is a war veteran and he has connection issues and i feel like im very understaing but the other night after we tried to make love after more than a month that he didnt touch me, it was just horrible , he doesnt kiss me doesnt do anything to make me feel arouse. He just wants to do that and that’s it , so i told him after he finish, you dont seem happy you dont even kiss me and he answer; that mayb i dont take that out of him. In other words he s not attracted to my body or me in general because he says i have very low self esteem and that im not confident and he starting to look at me how i look at myself. Also he said that he wants me to get a lipo and breast augmentation that mayb that would help my confidence and his desire to be with me. (Im 5’5″ and weight 131 im notnoverweight im flat chested and im not really that curvy girl) That for now he can just masturbated which o think henis addictive to it cause i catch himany times doing that instead of being with me… I am a follower of christ, i go to church and he is a believer but doesnt like to go to church doesnt have that conmection with God at all. I really feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life marrying him and now that im in this boat i cant get out of it. I fell like i wanna run away and never look at his supercial face. But i know thats not what God wants me to do , i dont feel like i wanna be with him no more Im just so broken. I dont know what to do please help

    1. Ann,

      It sounds like you and I have a similar body type. You are definitely not overweight at that height and weight. It is possible that your husband has a lot of issues on his end that are making things really tough. Just having ED, or just having PTSD or just having a porn addiction – any of these things alone – can create difficulty for a husband to be able to be aroused by his wife. None of those things have anything to do with you. It would be easier for him to believe that it is your fault so he doesn’t have to feel emasculated and like a failure as a husband, I would guess. A lot of men feel like if they can’t perform, that they are failing their wives. I have a post about ED here. You may also search my home page for “porn.” And there are excellent resources for spouses of those addicted to porn at http://www.xxxchurch.org.

      Do you have any support group about the PTSD? How about your husband? That is a tough situation, too. As a pharmacist, I have known a number of patients who have PTSD from the military – it is extra challenging for those who love someone with PTSD. I would want to get a lot of support, as much as you can, about this issue.

      What I can help you with is your self-confidence and your walk with Christ as well as only owning your part of the problem – not owning his part, if you are interested. Do you know why you don’t have self-confidence? Are you believing things like that your value should come from your external beauty, or from your husband’s love and attention, or from the frequency of sex you have with your husband in marriage?

      Check out this post:

      25 Ways to Respect Myself

      And please search my home page for:

      – idol
      – idolatry
      – insecurity
      – fear
      – security
      – contentment

      I believe there is plenty of healing available to you in Christ, my precious sister! I would love to walk beside you on this road. Sending you the biggest hug!

      1. He went trought a ptsd program in the hospital and stay there for two months, also, we went through our first seccion of couples therapy at the VA but we havent hit that issue just yet. Because besides that there’s trust issues. He s a lier and he kindof want to live the single life with his friends that are in the earlie twenties and they think about partying, smoking weed and soccer and of coarse they talk about women like an object. The whole time that we been together i see he has a humble heart but he is a follower everything his friends do he wants to do too, hes got mo personality. Thats a big issue too and now he says, he thinks he wasnt ready for marriage but that he doesnt want to lose me. Also he says he wants to choose the same path as me which is jesus but he doesnt feel it completely in his heart. But he doesnt like to go church or read the word, everytime i tell him lets pray he wants to finish his tv show or whatever he s watching is so frustating.
        I ask God to forgive me because i made a huge mistake marrying him but i was so blind 🙁
        Regarding my low self esteen. I always believe that real love is something so deep that goes beyond your looks. But nowatdays and since high school I had boyfriends who always critize how skinny i was, how i didnt have any curves (boods and glutes) so since then i been very self conciouss because all of my boyfriends critizese that and now my husband is not happy either that makes me feel worst because i didnt think he was so superfical. I thought he didnt care i guess i was wrong.
        I believe making love with your husband is something so important because you commect with him and also God says in his word to always be conmected unless we both decide to be apart for any reason to avoid the temtations of the evil.
        We barely have sex and when we do i dont like it he prob doest like it either. I wish i can go back in time :/ now i have no way out.

  27. As I read this my heart hurts because I am one that has let myself go. Over the years I have selfishly been entangled and given over to the sin of overeating. I just don’t know how to stop. It’s like it controls me. I will say I will do better but I fall continually. I have gained 50 lbs since I got ma tried 14 years ago. My husband is loving and we don’t suffer in the bedroom. However, I know this bothers him. My weight gain has not been easy. By the grace of God I am thankful to say that he has remained faithful to me. Even still, through talking I can see that he would prefer if I lost weight. I just don’t know what to do. I try to lean on God for help. I try to keep my face toward Him that I would turn away from my sin but it’s as if I just can’t. I don’t want to be thinner to please my husband. I want to be in a place where I am doing this to be healthy for the Lord. I don’t want to keep sinning against him like this and ruining the precious body He gave me. Yet, years and years come and go and I find myself worse off as time goes by. It’s so hard.

    1. toknowhim,

      Would you like to talk about your relationship with food together a bit? I would be glad to hash through some things with you and seek to point you to the healing that is available in Christ, my precious sister!

      Much love to you!

  28. Hello ladies, I was starting to think that I am the only one going through such a painful thing. I got married on the 3rd of September and since than my sex lif has changed drastically. (Edited by Peaceful Wife) … my husband led me on and made a nasty comment about my sexaul needs. Right after he turned me on he went to sleep and there I was tiding up again. Just last week I found what seems like he is sleeping with other woman he denies this on his life and I cry about it every night. I feel like he has sex with me cause he fears that if he doesn’t I’ll find it somewhere else. I am battling with PCOS and grow hair in unwanted places, I try and keep it less visible as possible but than theres the issue of my belly fat which just won’t go away. I know he wishes I was more sexy and kept my hair dry and straight but I love my fro and I can’t stand heals and make up. What do I do? #crying

    1. Nazi,

      I can feel the pain in your words, my dear sister. We had a very rough first 3 months in our marriage in many ways – and I can remember having no one to talk to and feeling so devastated. I can relate to your pain!

      How is your walk with Christ going? I know this sounds off topic, but that is where the healing will begin. 🙂 Does your husband have a relationship with Christ? What are your expectations of marriage and of your husband sexually? Did y’al have any counseling before marriage on these issues? Did y’all talk about your expectations together?

      Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me?

      Much love to you!

      April

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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