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Don’t Wait!!

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A wife – who had become a widow very unexpectedly that week – wrote to me awhile back, thanking me for my blog. She was so thankful for the two months she had where she had learned to change how she treated her husband and that he died knowing she respected and honored him.

Many other wives have contacted me – more than I can count – saying, “My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. What can I do?!!?”  Now these wives are more than willing to change their ways. There are women with many tearful regrets who wish they had been willing to do the things God called them to do much earlier. (Of course, many husbands find themselves in this boat, too. This is not just a wife thing.)

Yes, a wife CAN begin to repent to God and seek to be right with Him and ask Him to help her change to become a godly wife when a husband leaves. And yes, the marriage might be able to be saved. I have seen it happen. It is a slow, excruciating process when things get to this level of destruction – but it is possible for healing to happen after things have gotten that bad.

My heart’s desire is that wives might take advantage of opportunities to change BEFORE it gets to that point!

Why wait before you come to God humbly and ask Him to change you and make you the woman and wife He desires you to be? Why not begin to walk this journey with Christ today? The longer we wait, the more damage we do, and the more difficult the healing process will be. Besides, we don’t know how much time God will allow us to have to make things right with other people.

More importantly, we are not guaranteed that we will live another day ourselves – and we need to be sure we are right with God right now and prepared to face him today if He should require our lives of us. “Today is the day of salvation” 2 Cor. 6:2.

If we truly belong to Jesus, we will hear His voice and we will want to obey Him more than anything in this world. John 10:1-18

“WHERE DO I START?”

Here are, in my view, the most important places for a wife to begin to change (whether her husband is still there or not):

  1. Decide to put Jesus on the throne of your life – not yourself, your husband, your marriage, romance, happiness, being in control, money, children, or anything else. Tear out the idols in your heart and decide you are going to fully surrender all of yourself and your life to Christ, not just as Savior, but as LORD. Pray to Him and give all of yourself to Him and receive all that Jesus has to give to you.
  2. Stop the hemorrhaging by stopping intentional and unintentional sin and disrespect toward you husband.
  3. Apologize to your husband as God leads you to. But first, please read this post.
  4. Begin to learn what respect looks like in your relationship to God and also in your marriage.
  5. A.) If you have been overbearing, controlling, a Type-A personality – stop trying to control God, your husband, other people, and things over which you actually do not have responsibility and control. Learn where your responsibilities end and how to honor other people’s God-given free-will.    B.) If you have been too passive, too submissive, and allowed your husband to control you – begin to discover your God-given free-will, your influence authority in your marriage, your worth and power in Christ, your voice, and God’s will for you to live in His peace – with  freedom from fear. Find healing from your insecurity. Learn to seek to please God ultimately.
  6. Face the fear that may be driving your desire to control or your desire to put self or other people/things above God in your heart.
  7. Look to Christ to meet your deepest needs and be responsible for your own spiritual growth and emotions – rather than expecting your husband to make you happy or meet all of your deepest God-sized needs.
  8. Examine your expectations to see if there are some you may need to lay down.
  9. Stay in God’s Word and fervent prayer daily – seek Him far above all else in this life. Seek to be filled with His Spirit. Spend serious time alone with God and in His Word begging Him to change you.
  10. Let God expose any sin in your life, any lies you have believed, any wrong motives, bitterness, all of the wounds from your past – turn completely from those things – and allow Him to help you tear those toxic things out of your life and rebuild on Christ and His Truth alone.
  11. Get to know who you are in Christ. Discover your worth, identity, and security in Jesus so that you are unshakable.

Lord,

Draw women (and men) to Yourself today. Let them hear Your voice calling them home. Let them trust You and Your death on the cross on their behalf. Let them receive the free gift of Your payment for all they have done to offend God. Let them surrender their lives to You as both Savior and LORD of all in their lives. Let them determine to allow You to be in control now and let them long to obey You in all things and to know You and love You more than anything else. Let these precious ones You love so dearly experience Your truth, Your presence, Your love, and the abundant spiritual Life You want to give them. Open spiritual eyes today. Bring many lost and confused souls into Your kingdom.

In the Name and power of Christ,

Amen!

RELATED:

How to Have a Relationship with Christ

The Blessing of Knowing about Hell

Why Do I Have to Change First?

When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Being a Peaceful Separated Wife

Stages of This Journey

Learning to Respect and Give Up Control Is a Process – Nina Roesner

PS:

If you have very serious issues in your marriage – uncontrolled mental health issues, unrepentant infidelity, active drug/alcohol/gambling addictions, or abuse, please seek appropriate one-on-one counsel from someone you can trust. I am not able to address these kinds of issues in general posts on a blog.

28 thoughts on “Don’t Wait!!

  1. Pingback: » Don’t Wait!!
  2. Thanks for this encouraging post! And I agree, we should never wait to repent when the Spirit is convicting us to do so. I think walking in repentance was one of the reasons why David was considered a man after God’s heart. He failed…many times. But, he was quick to repent.

    1. Megan,

      Yes! If we hear God’s call to repent, and we harden our hearts – it becomes more and more difficult to hear His voice and we drift farther away. That is not good! How I long for us to have sensitive hearts to God’s Spirit and to sin so that we might quickly repent and stay in fellowship with God.

      1. Hi April,
        I came across your blog and had introduced that to my wife. I hope she values it and also gains from the resources.
        I sent a mail to you weeks ago, asking for permission to use your resources (video)in our website. I have not received any response ever since.
        We would like to upload your video and direct viewers to your website. Our online ministry has a global reach but targets people in USA and Africa mainly.
        Our website is gospelroundtable.org.

        Please I would appreciate your reply.

        Ebere

  3. Being separated for nearly a year I was thinking through our actions over the last year. If I can write some of the things I have learned from the husbands point of view it may broaden the discussion but hopefully only to encourage.

    I have taken the full responsibility for our separation and that has never changed. I have seen pastors, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, been active in church, pray two hours a day and fast one or two days a week….. I don’t watch television, movies or anything that might distract me and I gave up surfing which was my overriding passion and which I did two hours every day.

    I have built up a business which now has a really great reputation and I work about ten hours a day on that. The Lord has broken me down, lifted me up, broken me down some more and lifts me back up again. There have been significant changes through repentance and changes in my attitude and changes in my actions….So I have been really serious!

    For a while I could not understand why my wife was still resistant as it was so obvious to every one else that I had changed. There was no adulterous relationships involved but I had developed a set of strongholds from when I was very young of deceit, lack of integrity, my own distrust and financial insufficiency that pervaded my whole life and she just ran out of strength to cover for me and wait for the never arriving change to get behind my facade of everything being ok.

    BUT even with repentance and the shock of separation it was ME still trying to fix things so that they would be ok…but Jesus was looking for me to STOP fixing things and just to acknowledge I couldn’t. Not out of despair but out of trust and that was a massive difference. Because despair does not honor God, it is selfish, hopeless and futile whereas acknowledging God is so childlike and simple and fear goes and faith comes.

    But then what happened is that whilst there previously was forced transparency there is now joyful transparency, where I would really would have preferred the problems never existed now the problems are where I see God shine through, fix things and remove barriers. Fixing our marriage is NOT the main thing, it is a CONSEQUENCE of having a restored relationship with Christ and that is His primary objective.

    My life has been changing in an amazing way for eleven months but the difference between then and the last month or so is crazy!… I am free of ME…I was the problem, not my wife, not my finances, not whether I was a good husband or not – it was all me being in the way.

    I know I am just agreeing with your path April but now my wife doesn’t see me as a threat to her anymore, there is still trust to be built and to be honest she has not even hinted at reconciliation…but the joy I feel knowing that at this point I don’t frighten her any more and that she can ring me as she does and know that I am for her …that is priceless even if we never got any further than that….

    People say my wife is hard, unrealistic, all sorts of things – my wife is HURT! she feels betrayed, abandoned and funnily enough all the things that I felt before I changed that growing up as a child made me who I had become. But you watch how she changes when she finally realizes that she doesn’t need to be protective of her heart any more – I can’t wait but it takes as long as it takes…days, weeks, months, years…one thing I’m sure is that it won’t take as long for her to forgive me as it took for me to hurt her. God’s like that!

    So I am saying Just DON’T give up! I sincerely believe that our marriage will be restored but I have no evidence, we are selling our house and every thing looks bad at that level. But I am finally trusting me , finally liking me, finally loving me and I until I got to that point I was useless as a husband because I always depended on my wife to make me feel ok! seriously! that is so wrong!!

    I am so grateful for this separation now – not for the pain I caused in the first place but God is fixing many, many years of all sorts of damage and all He asks is I trust Him. Daniel was seventy five but stayed faithful, Abraham one hundred and then God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. It looked pretty bad for both of them. We are the same people of God and He is the same God who is faithful and to be allowed to be so broken through our sin and hurt that we can then see God and His love and His response to our sin – He can fix anything – truly!!

      1. Thanks April….these are the first and faintest glimmers of hope I have seen in over a year, the first smiles I have seen from my wife in over a year. I am fully aware that it may be simply because she finally sees hope for a new life without me but I can’t depend on that and my trust is with Him. He will do whatever is necessary and if there is more change to take place in me, then so be it, I’ll count it as joy – He’s begun a good work and He’ll finish it.

        She is comfortable ringing me, visiting the house and even will regularly apologize….I appreciate all these actions more than gold now!!!

  4. I am sorry for the widow in question but glad she can think about her husband with no regrets.

    This morning the Holy spirit spoke to me about regrets in an unexpected way. I watched a relationship programme last night about how men are supposed to treat their partners. As i heard the remarkable things some of them spoke about, i began to see the faults in my husband. I became angry at him for no reason and went to bed upset thinking of how other women’s husband’s were doing better. I woke up upset and snapped at him for no reason. My thoughts were running ahead of me as i began to think of all the negatives.

    I opened youtube to check out a video when an unrelated video just caught my attention. It was a 42 year old woman who walked out on marriage because she thought she could do better. Today, she is lonely and childless. You can read the full article on http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2263518/I-left-love-life-I-thought-I-better-Now-Im-childless-42.html

    I realized this was God, he was talking to me and i heard him alright. I immediately changed my attitude as i realized all that was great about my husband who is also my best friend. Guess what, what might have turned out to be a horrible day became great. I have had a wonderful day, i am happy where i am and i know God will add everything i need. Let us be weary of all the exaggerated things we hear. Let us not compare other relationships with our very own unique ones. The devil may use it to lure us from what God knows to be good for us. As i take baby steps towards submission, i see God at work making things beautiful.

    1. Desiring to Submit,

      Aha! You have stumbled across something that is a trigger for you – it is actually one of my triggers, too. I still do NOT do well if I read about “what husbands should do” in marriage. I just need to focus on what God wants me to do. Or I begin to feel resentful or entitled and upset with my husband. NOT GOOD! So – I seek to avoid those kinds of messages,

      SO glad that you were listening to God this morning and got your attitude back on track.

      Much love to you!

  5. April, have you read the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and if so, would you recommend it? I absolutely love your blog and your videos. I think it is so real and practical what you are writing about. May God bless you in this ministry as you are helping women and teaching us all so much. God is using you for His Kingdom and His glory!!!

  6. Thank you. So much. I needed exactly this today.

    I am 30 weeks pregnant with our second child (our daughter is eleven months old) and for months and months my husband has seemed very distant and I have been very lonely.

    Today he finally told me how tired he is of how my hormones affect my behaviour. How I seem to try to control him and worry about a lot of things. I had not even noticed, and I do not do this on purpose. The past two years have been a roller coaster with the pregnancies and also two miscarriages. My husband, whom I love more than I can ever say, even said that the effect of the hormones on me has made him consider that maybe two children is enough. When he has always previously said that as many as God wants to give us is perfect.

    I am so humbled. And so sad. Hurting and crying. I don’t want to be a bad wife to this gem of a man. I just don’t know what to do. And this post helped. Thank you sister.

    1. Maria,

      Congratulations on your pregnancy!! 🙂

      Oh goodness, pregnancy hormones are so tough! I was a mess whenI was pregnant, and more controlling and disrespectful than ever. Picked fights with everyone. 🙁 Greg decided that it might be just as hard, maybe even harder, to be married to a pregnant woman than to be a pregnant woman.

      Crying probably won’t help the situation. 🙂 but I can understand why you feel so awful.

      How is your walk with Christ going? He can empower us to overcome the flesh. What can you do to rest in God’s love and sovereignty and to stay centered, calm, and peaceful? Are you looking to Christ alone to fill your deepest needs?

      I have lots of resources here that may help.

      Try searching my home page for “PMS” and “hormones.”

      I am here if you want to talk some more!

      Much love!
      April

  7. Hi April. I was convicted specifically by this article. I read your website from time to time. I have a ways to go before being a peaceful wife. I struggle with putting as much trust into my husband as you and some of the other ladies do. I had an epiphany last night about one of the reasons why and would like your or any other ladies/mens advice.

    My husband and I have been married 18 years and we have 2 children. We have a unique circumstance. We are the only ones in both sides of our families that live away. And all of both sides of our families live in the same town which is 2 hours away from us. Husband comes from bigger family than me and we go to visit every holiday. His family is pretty good to us but of course since there’s more of them it is more problems.

    All of our married life it has been brought up to me by my side of the family that we choose husband’s side. And its true with so many schedules to compete with our weekend holiday visits revolve around what time his family is getting together. It gets very old to me and makes me not to even want to go at all except 4 times a year-mothers day, fathers day, thanksgiving and christmas but of course husband would never think of doing that. So we keep going on every holiday. What’s sad to is we can’t even be involved much in our church because of these family holidays. We can’t do things that I feel God would want us to do. We can’t commit to anything. And our church constantly preaches being involved, evangelism which makes me feel guilty because we are so non committal.

    Husband and family recently made a planned trip for the second year in a row to Pigeon Forge in 2 weeks. This time more of the family is going and of course I’m not thrilled. On top of the fact that my mom died earlier in the month so I’m just not in a great place anyway. Here’s some of the reason why I’m not excited-none of us sleep well which brings on attitudes and whines by our kids which in turn we have many pairs of eyes on us and our parenting and comments about it as well. We have a nephew who’s 5 that has a huge loud whine when things don’t go his way. His dad waits until a breaking point and then spanks him really hard. Father-in-law gets in moods. And don’t even get me started about how disrespectful he has been to me over the years and husband has said nothing. Other sister-in-law you have to walk around eggshells on. And throw husbands aunt in who always has an opinion about everything and can act childish its just not a good scenario.

    So we had an argument about it last night. I wish we had never agreed to go and in the argument husband admitted he will always choose his family over me. Which in turn just puts another wall around my heart of trusting him. I mean truly if he can’t even come to some sort of compromise on our family holidays when he knows how I feel and continues to choose his family then how can I trust that he will have my best interests at heart in bigger decisions? How can I trust that he will not take my feelings into consideration in other decisions when he chooses his family which is something that has always caused us friction?

    1. TBR,

      Please understand that this is a journey. Almost no wife starts out with a high level of respect for her husband on this road. I sure didn’t. I had tons of reasons why I was justified in not fully respecting Greg for the first 14.5 years of our marriage. I could write out a LONG list of all the things I didn’t respect and that he needed to change and how the problems in our marriage were all totally his fault. It took 2.5 YEARS into this journey before I BEGAN to understand what respect and biblical submission looked like. I was a SLOW learner. It was like trying to learn Chinese without a teacher. Very painful and confusing many times.

      I can understand that you feel like you are not the first human priority for your husband and that is hurtful. You want to see him put your marriage before his family. All wives want to see that! Marriage is supposed to come before extended family. Absolutely. It sounds like your husband has room for growth and improvement.

      However – God’s Word for you still stands. His commands to you to honor your husband, to respect him, and to submit to his leadership (as to the Lord – meaning, you don’t submit to sin or if your husband is not in his right mind with mental illness, drug addiction, alcoholism, or he is cheating on you or some serious unrepentant sin).

      We all have plenty of reasons we feel could excuse us from living out God’s commands for us. Our husbands all have plenty of reasons they feel justified in not loving us as Christ loved the church, too.

      Have you seen War Room yet, my dear sister?

      Who is your real enemy here? Who truly wants to steal, kill, and destroy in your marriage and family? Is it really your husband, is he the enemy? Or is it someone else?

      Do you believe that the Bible is true?

      Do you believe that God is sovereign?

      Do you believe that disciples of Christ are to fully submit to Christ as Lord of everything in their lives?

      Ultimately – this is not really about your husband – it is all about your walk with Christ. The question isn’t whether you can trust your husband to take your feelings into account, but whether you will trust God fully and obey Him completely and trust Him to work through your imperfect husband to accomplish His will. The question is – are you on the throne of your life, or is Jesus? Whose will are you ultimately seeking?

      Much love to you!

      Please search my home page for posts by “fellow wife.” She had a very similar situation. God has radically changed her over the past 3 years. She just now – this past summer – is beginning to really “get it.” But her story may inspire you. Start with, “Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be My Husband’s First Priority.”

      What do you desire in your relationship with Christ?

      What do you desire in your marriage?

      I am glad to point the way to Christ and healing. It is a painful process, especially at first – it involves dying to self and repenting of any sin in our own lives. But this is the path every believer must take. We lay everything we want on the altar and seek Christ alone and His will. “Not my will, but Yours be done,” following the example of Christ in thankfulness and joy for all that Jesus has done for us!

      God can change your husband’s heart. If He wants you to give more – He will change your husband’s heart in HIS timing. If He wants you at church more, He will lead you to church more THROUGH your husband’s leadership. But your husband will lead in more and more godly ways more easily as you become the woman and wife God calls you to be. Then it will be much easier for him to hear God’s voice.

      You can respectfully share that you are not up to going. Or that you don’t want to go. But if he wants you to go – how do you know that God isn’t directing him to lead you in that way? How do you know that God might have a great blessing for you if you go? Or that God may be protecting you if you go on the trip from something that may happen at home if you were to stay? You serve a SOVEREIGN LORD, my sweet sister! He can change your husband’s heart and mind and He can change your circumstances in miraculous ways. Right now, His main focus may be on changing your heart first. Would you be willing to receive that if it is His will?

      How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit

      Godly Femininity

      I am responsible for my own emotions

      I am responsible for my spiritual growth

      Why Do I Have to Change First?

      1. Thanks April. No I haven’t seen War Room yet. I do know I have an enemy but it’s hard for me to get passed the fact that if God is as sovereign as I believe Him to be then why doesn’t He change things. Just my moms illness for example. She was ill for months with a blood clot in one lung and pneumonia in the other before they found lung cancer. She was not home for 11 weeks bounced around from hospital to nursing home to rehab to a continuing care center. We brought her home finally but it was only to die. She died 5 weeks and 2 days after finding the diagnosis of cancer. I do trust in the fact that God has a number of days each of us are on this earth. But man she suffered. It was so hard to watch. Its hard to trust God when you don’t understand.

        I read the bitterness of soul article. My husband isn’t an idol. I’m not craving time with him or wanting to be first in his life. It does just get old that his family comes first. That’s really my only complaint about him other than he forgets things a lot. I strive not to be nagging wife but there are times when I wait a couple days to mention something he needs to do and he does thank me for the reminder.

        I do want to get past my feelings about God. I do want to grow in my relationship with Christ. I do try to stay in the word everyday and pray. I’m trying to help teach our children about prayer and how God is there for them anytime. I don’t have any dreams or desires for my life or my marriage. I would just like to raise decent kids and help others. I plan on reading the other articles you posted in your link later today.

        1. TBR,

          I am so very sorry to hear about your mom and how much she suffered. Makes you really long for the Garden of Eden before sin entered the world when there was no suffering. But how thankful I am that we will get to experience that kind of perfection and total lack of suffering in heaven with Christ forever – for those who are His. New bodies. No illness. No pain. No crying. No suffering. Total perfection and beauty. Makes me homesick for home. This place is not our home, my sweet sister.

          It is difficult to understand suffering and to try to get a peek into God’s wisdom that is so much above our own. And yet, He is gracious and gentle and welcomes our questions.

          I’m very sorry your husband puts his family first. That is not how marriage is supposed to be. I’m glad that you don’t believe he is an idol at this time. That is a good thing! 🙂

          I believe that God may have some treasures for you in these times of trial – that He may use them to draw you to Himself and to refine you and help you grow in ways that are ultimately very good.

          Why do you believe you have no desires for your life or marriage? Are you feeling really depressed and discouraged?

          Why do you believe you don’t desire to have time with your husband?

          Would you like to talk a bit about your feelings about God?

          Sending you the biggest hug, my dear sister. I long for healing for you – and for you to get to experience the abundant spiritual life Jesus died to give to you.

          Much love to you!

          1. Thank you April and any others for any prayers for my behalf. I couldn’t have made it through this season without the prayers of my church family and my parents church family and other friends.

            I do desire to have a relationship with my husband. We were friends first and that friendship has extended through our marriage. I have always arranged for sitters so we can have date nights. It may just be once a month though.

            I was never a person who had these big dreams or goals for my life. I always just wanted to be a mom. Now that I am a mom I want to raise good kids that love God and are productive members of society. My husband is a wonderful dad and participates faithfully in our family life.

            I have been depressed before and I don’t think I am now. I do have sad moments especially after talking to my dad on the phone. My mom was just 63 and she and my dad were married 40 years. I don’t think my having sad moments are depression. I think it’s grief.

            Thank you for all your encouragement. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point you are with being a peaceful wife. But I do know that I want some things to be better in my marriage. And some of the things you write about on here will help even when its hard to take.

        2. TBR, I am so sorry to hear about your mom!! I have struggled a lot with God’s sovereignty and have often wondered why he wouldn’t change my circumstances if he is completely able. There is a Christian book that really helped change my heart on the matter that I would highly recommend (and I would bet that April would, too, but feel free to chime in, April!) called Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Another one that’s really good (but was a little harder to get through for me) is Trusting God Even When Life Hurts. May God give you much comfort!

      2. I agree that it is God’s will for wives to submit to husbands but it is also God’s will for husband’s to submit to their wives. The Bible says submit to one another. It was never God’s intention for husband’s to decide everything. A wife can have her input but if the husband decides otherwise, is the wife still expected to submit? It is not every husband who can always have the wife’s interest at heart when making decisions. Like in this case where the husband prefers to spend most if not all holidays with his side of the family. It cannot be God’s will that a husband spends all holidays with his side of the family only. The wife’s family is also equally important to God. How does the wife minister to her family, particularly if her family are not believers. Is this a good example to set.

        I think we should be very careful when we tell women to submit to their husbands and base it on the Bible. God expects women to use reasoning, common sense logic and the Holy Spirit’s help to discern different living situations.

        I do believe that wives should be respectful and submit to their husbands but this command may not apply across the board and may not be applicable all the time. In a obvious case, a wife should not submit if the husband tells her to sin but what about situations which do not constitute a sin. What if the husband is so unreasonable that he won’t let his wife visit her family or help out her family financially (in cases where the wife’s parents need help). Or what if the husband says do not tithe or serve the Lord. What if the husband says give him all of the wife’s savings and then squanders. If a wife is foolish enough to do this, she only has herself to blame later.

        All of the Bible contains commands and directions to believers to follow and obey but no one verse is more important than another. Jesus placed great importance on spreading the gospel but I do not see articles or blogs which actually say it is sin if we do not evangelize to the unbelievers. I am aware that you cater to wives on this submission issue but am commenting generally on the evangelism.

        1. Christine,

          Thanks for the comment!

          In Ephesians 5:1-21 – God is addressing the church in general. And there is a verse, right before the passage begins to address husbands and wives specifically, that says, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Some people in recent years take that to mean that wives and husbands are to submit to each other mutually and that their roles are exactly the same. The problem with this interpretation is that we would have to then ignore the rest of the chapter that actually does talk about husbands’ and wives’ roles.

          I do agree that there are times when husbands will submit to their wives in a sense – so that they would defer to a wife’s preferences at times, just to bless their wives. But there is a difference in how a husband would submit to his wife vs. how a wife would submit to her husband – in the same way that a pastor would submit to other believers in the church in a different way than the congregation would submit to their pastor. I have quite a few posts about biblical submission where I go into much more detail on this topic – which can be easily misunderstood and confusing. You may search my home page for “biblical submission” – and also the post, “Spiritual Authority” at the top of my home page may be helpful for clarification. Another great resource is Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem.

          The ultimate issue is that we all, as believers, submit first to Christ. I believe we could agree on that. 🙂

          Husbands are to be fully submitted to Christ.
          Wives are to be fully submitted to Christ.

          Husbands do not have absolute authority over wives. No human God-given authority has absolute authority over people – only God has that. If a husband is not in his right mind, is mentally unstable, is involved in serious unrepentant sin, is abusing his wife/family, is asking his wife to sin or to condone sin, is actively involved in a drug/alcohol addiction… there are times when it is unwise and unsafe for a wife to submit to her husband. (I discuss this in much greater detail in some of the posts I have written on this topic).

          There is also a danger that wives think submission means passivity or being a slave. It does not! We are to use all of our godly influence to honor Christ in our marriages.

          We are to have intelligent submission – not mindless submission. Yes. Ultimately, we will answer to Christ for our submission to our husbands. If we decide we cannot do something our husbands ask – we need to be sure that we are doing what we are doing to honor Christ primarily.

          To know for sure exactly when a wife should not submit requires great sensitivity to Gods’ Spirit and a close abiding relationship to Christ for each wife. When we are close to Christ, He will give us the wisdom we need for each step. There can be more important things than avoiding losing money. Sometimes God prompts a wife to follow a husband and there are difficulties. Sometimes God uses that to teach the husband and to train him in godly leadership – or even to bring him to salvation. So my concern is that wives do what God is prompting them to do and use His wisdom, not worldly wisdom. There are times we do not cooperate with our husbands, but there are times God may prompt us to do something that we and others may not understand at the time.

          It IS a sin if we do not share the gospel. We are all commanded by Christ to go into all the world and share the good news and make disciples as we go. And yes, all of God’s commands are important. The submission thing is important because, according to Titus 2:5, if we usurp our husbands’ leadership and we do not submit ourselves fully to Christ and honor our husbands as God commands us to, the Gospel is maligned. We cannot defy our husbands and defy God’s commands for us AND effectively share the Gospel. All of God’s commands for us are ultimately for the glory of God and for our ultimate good. He gives them because He loves us and He loves others and His wisdom is infinity higher than our own.

          Much love to you! Thanks for the great questions!

  8. April, do you have any blogs as to why my husband always thinks I am arguing if I disagree with him? Even if I am being nice and respectful?

    I have no problem all the time saying I don’t know it all, you are probably right about that ect. But if I say hmm I’m not sure about that one this is what I think, he gets SUPER defensive and upset…

    One time we did an exercise, I wrote down 3 things that make me feel unloved and he wrote down 3 things that make him feel disrespected … His #1 was when “I argue with him or challenge him or disagree with him” how am I supposed to always agree with another person? Especially a know -it all, he really is…

    1. Dontknowitall,

      Some men think that respect and biblical submission means a wife is always supposed to agree with her husband. That is not Scripture’s definition. In fact, even though God commands believers to submit to Him – He still allows us room to ask questions or even to disagree. That doesn’t mean we have freedom to disobey. But God understands that we can’t understand Him and His ways. He still gives us free will. So, certainly a husband can allow his wife to disagree with him, and imperfect human.

      I DO have a post about this!

      “My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him”

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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