A wife – who had become a widow very unexpectedly that week – wrote to me awhile back, thanking me for my blog. She was so thankful for the two months she had where she had learned to change how she treated her husband and that he died knowing she respected and honored him.
Many other wives have contacted me – more than I can count – saying, “My husband just told me that he wants a divorce. What can I do?!!?” Now these wives are more than willing to change their ways. There are women with many tearful regrets who wish they had been willing to do the things God called them to do much earlier. (Of course, many husbands find themselves in this boat, too. This is not just a wife thing.)
Yes, a wife CAN begin to repent to God and seek to be right with Him and ask Him to help her change to become a godly wife when a husband leaves. And yes, the marriage might be able to be saved. I have seen it happen. It is a slow, excruciating process when things get to this level of destruction – but it is possible for healing to happen after things have gotten that bad.
My heart’s desire is that wives might take advantage of opportunities to change BEFORE it gets to that point!
Why wait before you come to God humbly and ask Him to change you and make you the woman and wife He desires you to be? Why not begin to walk this journey with Christ today? The longer we wait, the more damage we do, and the more difficult the healing process will be. Besides, we don’t know how much time God will allow us to have to make things right with other people.
More importantly, we are not guaranteed that we will live another day ourselves – and we need to be sure we are right with God right now and prepared to face him today if He should require our lives of us. “Today is the day of salvation” 2 Cor. 6:2.
If we truly belong to Jesus, we will hear His voice and we will want to obey Him more than anything in this world. John 10:1-18
“WHERE DO I START?”
Here are, in my view, the most important places for a wife to begin to change (whether her husband is still there or not):
- Decide to put Jesus on the throne of your life – not yourself, your husband, your marriage, romance, happiness, being in control, money, children, or anything else. Tear out the idols in your heart and decide you are going to fully surrender all of yourself and your life to Christ, not just as Savior, but as LORD. Pray to Him and give all of yourself to Him and receive all that Jesus has to give to you.
- Stop the hemorrhaging by stopping intentional and unintentional sin and disrespect toward you husband.
- Apologize to your husband as God leads you to. But first, please read this post.
- Begin to learn what respect looks like in your relationship to God and also in your marriage.
- A.) If you have been overbearing, controlling, a Type-A personality – stop trying to control God, your husband, other people, and things over which you actually do not have responsibility and control. Learn where your responsibilities end and how to honor other people’s God-given free-will. B.) If you have been too passive, too submissive, and allowed your husband to control you – begin to discover your God-given free-will, your influence authority in your marriage, your worth and power in Christ, your voice, and God’s will for you to live in His peace – with freedom from fear. Find healing from your insecurity. Learn to seek to please God ultimately.
- Face the fear that may be driving your desire to control or your desire to put self or other people/things above God in your heart.
- Look to Christ to meet your deepest needs and be responsible for your own spiritual growth and emotions – rather than expecting your husband to make you happy or meet all of your deepest God-sized needs.
- Examine your expectations to see if there are some you may need to lay down.
- Stay in God’s Word and fervent prayer daily – seek Him far above all else in this life. Seek to be filled with His Spirit. Spend serious time alone with God and in His Word begging Him to change you.
- Let God expose any sin in your life, any lies you have believed, any wrong motives, bitterness, all of the wounds from your past – turn completely from those things – and allow Him to help you tear those toxic things out of your life and rebuild on Christ and His Truth alone.
- Get to know who you are in Christ. Discover your worth, identity, and security in Jesus so that you are unshakable.
Draw women (and men) to Yourself today. Let them hear Your voice calling them home. Let them trust You and Your death on the cross on their behalf. Let them receive the free gift of Your payment for all they have done to offend God. Let them surrender their lives to You as both Savior and LORD of all in their lives. Let them determine to allow You to be in control now and let them long to obey You in all things and to know You and love You more than anything else. Let these precious ones You love so dearly experience Your truth, Your presence, Your love, and the abundant spiritual Life You want to give them. Open spiritual eyes today. Bring many lost and confused souls into Your kingdom.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Learning to Respect and Give Up Control Is a Process – Nina Roesner
If you have very serious issues in your marriage – uncontrolled mental health issues, unrepentant infidelity, active drug/alcohol/gambling addictions, or abuse, please seek appropriate one-on-one counsel from someone you can trust. I am not able to address these kinds of issues in general posts on a blog.