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“He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.” – Finding Victory over Feelings of Insecurity


(This post is not for women whose husbands are abusive, are involved in unrepentant infidelity or criminal activity, are initiating divorce with their wives, have uncontrolled mental health problems, or have active addictions to drugs/alcohol right now.)

Thankfully, most husbands are relatively decent men who truly love their wives and long for their wives to be happy, even if their wives can’t always decode that message (Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only”).

A minister at our church taught a class the 7 basic needs of husbands and wives a few years ago. The greatest need of a wife, according to him, was – security. I would have to agree!

How easy it is to let our emotions begin to convince us that we are NOT secure in our husbands’ love, or in a thousand other ways.

Doesn’t the enemy know exactly how to strike at us in our thoughts and how to tempt us? (Note – for some of you, the examples I am about to share may be triggers – if you know that this might be the case for you, skip down to the next section with the heading in all caps!)

It’s SO EASY to start thinking things like:

  • My husband hasn’t emailed me in such a long time. I wonder why?
  • My husband barely compliments me.
  • I sent him that text an hour ago. Is he REALLY busy at work, or is he ignoring me?
  • Why didn’t he ever answer my message?
  • My husband never prays with me.
  • My husband doesn’t text me or flirt with me.
  • My husband seems to barely spend any time with me.
  • My husband said something hurtful to me 2 weeks ago. Maybe that is how he REALLY feels about me – even though he apologized. He probably didn’t really mean that apology.
  • So-and-so’s husband compliments her EVERY DAY. She is so lucky! Why can’t my husband be like that?
  • He seems way more interested in the computer, the TV, the tablet, or his video games than he seems interested in me.
  • Does he even love me?
  • Wouldn’t he talk with me and want to spend time with me and emotionally and spiritually connect with me if he really loved me!??!!
  • I feel like he is so far away emotionally and spiritually. Maybe that is because he IS far away emotionally and spiritually. My feelings are probably right! Maybe he really doesn’t love me as much as I love him!?!?!


It is easy to focus on the things we want that we are not getting and to ignore the fact that our husbands did a number of loving things for us in recent weeks.

It is also easy to compare our husbands to other men – whose lives  (and sins and weaknesses) we really know little about. If I am not careful, I might totally forget that he filled up my tank with gas, took the kids to the doctor for me, made supper that night that I wasn’t feeling well, called out our child for disrespecting me, or cuddled happily with me while he watched TV several nights this week (for example).

The negative thoughts just spiral and snowball until we are in a full blown panic attack – convinced that we are alone and unloved in the world. This can happen even with women whose husbands truly do love them dearly. It can happen to the strongest of us who are firmly abiding in Christ normally. If we focus on these fears and emotions – we will be overwhelmed and overcome by worry and anxiety. Then – we will respond to our husbands in a desperate, needy way as we look to them to meet our deepest needs (rather than Christ) – not a Spirit-filled way. This is the path to idolizing our husbands.

I think we are all prone to this kind of attack at times.

The question is – do we trust our unstable feelings and negative emotions and wallow in these awful feelings of despair and hopelessness – or do we trust God’s Word and depend on Christ and rest in our husbands’ love?


I can tell you where it is NOT. It is not in:

– my changing emotions.

– my husband.

– what my husband does or does not do for me.

– my circumstances.

– my negative assumptions about my husband or God.

– in my thorough analysis of my situation and emotions.

in my imagination, my over-thinking, or my worrying.


I can drive myself insane with all of my “what ifs?” and by trying to make uneducated assumptions about my husband’s motives. I can be really, really wrong if I try to do this. For me, instead of believing my feelings and the questions that want to push me toward insecurity – I have to consciously reject those feelings and thoughts and turn to Christ and the truth of His Word as well as the truth I know for sure about my husband.

I need to tell myself things like (please modify the details according to your particular husband and write out your own list in your prayer journal):


Posts about Fear

Posts about Insecurity

Posts about Security in Christ

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

The Idol of Happiness

I Don’t Have to Be the Most Beautiful Woman in the Room

39 thoughts on ““He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.” – Finding Victory over Feelings of Insecurity

  1. Just what I needed to read this morning. I am retraining my thoughts and feelings to live according to the second list. Boy, change is hard, BUT I am committed to it.

    There are many things in the first list that are happening from my husband….no compliments, no prayer, no tenderness, no care and concern for me, very little conversation, walls built up, anger directed at me, etc.

    Some days I feel like I am drowning in rage and sadness, actually today is one of them, so reading this post was right on time.

    I have to believe that God works everything out for good.

    So thankful for you April.

    1. Betsy,

      YAY! I am SO excited about what God is doing in your heart. This part is really painful – the ripping out the idols and sin part. And the learning to depend on Christ and learning to replace our wrong thinking with His truth – but it is SO SO SO WORTH it!

      You are always welcome to share your feelings here, and we will support and love you through the storms. We will seek to point you to Christ, precious sister!

      Thank You for getting Betsy’s attention. Thank you for the trial in her marriage that is forcing her to learn to love You and to look to You as God alone. Thank You for the beauty You are already creating in her as You refine her and bring the dross to the top and skim it off so that her faith will become more and more pure and valuable and beautiful in Your eyes. Empower her to become the godly woman You desire her to be. Let her learn to find the sufficiency of Christ in the midst of this desert in her marriage. Thank You that You are already using this pain for much good.

      We pray for healing for Betsy and for her husband spiritually with You. We pray for restoration of their marriage in Your timing for Your glory. Help her to wait patiently on You and to be open to anything You want to do in her life, heart, mind, and soul. Help her to depend on the truth of Your Word not feelings. Help her to run to You as her Refuge, her Shelter, her Rock, her Deliverer, and her Comforter. Let her hear and obey Your voice in every moment.

      In the Name and power of Christ Jesus, our Lord,

  2. Great post, April! If we are always right there with our husbands, for every little move, thought and action, they will never have the chance to seek us out. It took me so long to realize this…that even after we have been together for 20+ years, my husband still has an innate need to pursue me. I find that when I am feeling insecure, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and a little distant. Getting busy with other things, especially my prayer life, will do wonders to create that spark once again. And God tells us that everything has a season…this is especially true in marriages. Ultimately, seeking God in these times of loneliness or insecurity is the answer.

    1. I love where you said, “my husband still has an innate need to pursue me.” What wisdom! I’d never thought of it that way. I have learned that giving my husband space is healthy and good for our relationship because it makes him feel respected and allows him to choose when and how to be loving but I hadn’t considered that he NEEDED to pursue me and couldn’t if I didn’t allow it. I knew men didn’t like to be smothered and liked to show love in their own way but I’d never considered it was a NEED for them….What an interesting point!!!!

  3. This is SO spot on w me right now, today! Thank you peaceful wife blogger for this. Husband and I went out on date to discuss our upcoming move and things…I brought up something I knew he would not like, but that’s a whole different story, and sure enough he reacted so negatively. The night ended sour. He bounced back pretty quick that night, me, not so much. I internalized it and it grew in me and many of those negative thoughts you listed were in my head till next morning. Especially the one comparing him to so and so’s husband.. to sum up, he knew something was still wrong. We talked again and he apologized for his reaction…but I learned from him and your article the devil loves when things like this start in hopes to put a wedge in a sacred marriage. It also reminded me we are human, make mistakes don’t focus on those bc like you mentioned he did do so many positive things earlier that day that week! Also to not to put my security in anything but Christ alone!!!

    1. Missy, I saw an interview on Women of Grace with an author that said, “God is everywhere at every time, meaning He is always in the PRESENT. That is why it is so important to always stay in the present moment! But, Satan KNOWS this, and that is why he will try to get you to stay in the PAST (by re-living negative moments and reactions, by stewing over past hurts, by struggling with forgiveness, etc.) and also try to get you to go to the FUTURE (anxiety, worrying over what will happen, stress and insecurities, etc.) because Satan knows that God is not in these places. I found that very interesting and it always helps me to remember to stay in the present moment. If things are going well with my husband, I try to only focus on that moment, and not the past or future. It has really helped me, and maybe that will help you, too

    2. Missy,

      I love what you are learning and am SO thankful to God for how He is working in your heart today. What you are learning is POWERFUL and beautiful!! Thank you very much for sharing!

  4. Really well said. I like to say that Christ is my rock, my husband being an earthly rock that kind of reflects that relationship I have with Christ, but it is not the same thing. Hubby is just a man, an awesome one, but he is not the one who fills me up. I really have to fill up emotionally from Christ and then in that over flow I can love much more freely and confidently.

    I don’t mean to imply that we should never expect anything from husbands, but sometimes if we expect nothing, than everything we actually do receive just becomes a blessing. Rather than feeling a lack, you start to notice all the small things adding up. He softened his voice when he was speaking to me, he removed the dead mouse the cats dragged onto the porch, he wiped up the coffee he spilled on the counter…these little mundane things have all been done for my benefit, and I would miss all the sweetness to be found there if I were focusing on my own expectations.

    1. insanitybytes22,

      I love the insights you have been sharing. You are such a blessing to me! Thank you for sharing the treasures God has shown you with all of us. 🙂

  5. “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness…. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand….”

    This just came alive to me in the context of your post. Great word!

    1. TN,

      Two months ago, I was struggling spiritually for a few weeks – just very spiritually depleted after 3 weeks of intense revisions with the book, illness in the family, extra work in the pharmacy, many health issues for me, not enough time with God some days… I was getting my focus off of Christ. I sang this hymn out loud over and over. And I reminded myself – my husband is sinking ground. My church leaders are sinking ground. Every person, idea, and thing other than Jesus is not sturdy enough. I must rest all of my faith on Jesus alone. Such a beautiful, powerful hymn!

      I’m glad it blessed you, too! 🙂

  6. Hi April, thank-you for this post. A perspective from a guy, here:

    I think that this is something that guys struggle with, too. Statistics show that only 1 in 20 men have any sort of meaningful male relationships, where they talk to that male about work, finances, and family. Most guys can’t just pick up the phone and comfortably tell a friend “I’m worried that my wife doesn’t really love me” or “I’m worried that my wife despises me” or “I wish there was some way to help her understand how dearly I love her.” Most women, on the other hand, have close friends that they will talk about heart-level things for hours – and there is not as much a fear of losing a “strong” reputation, normally.

    “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

    This quote is so true, especially for Christian Husbands. Men’s lives especially can be very lonely – and we tend to WANT to cling to our wives. We go out into the world to work, we work hard, but we are under constant bombardment wherever we go. I mean, we can’t even walk thru Target without getting exposed to soft-pornography in at least 1/5th of the store….. I know that in these times, I often want to call or text my wife – as an added safeguard to guard my heart and my marriage.

    I have been reading many of yours and Greg’s posts, and they are definitely a blessing. I know that so many things spoke to me. I tried to sit down one day this week and write out specifics of things that I felt respected, and disrespected about. It sure was hard. Much like I think I remember that Greg has communicated, I really had never articulated the exact specifics of what “disrespect” was affecting me – and frankly, I really had never thought to use that term. A few things came to mind though, that I kept coming back to:
    It is hurtful and disrespectful to me when…..
    –Airing dirty laundry about our marriage to not just one “trusted friend”, but to several friends and family-members. Men are very driven by reputation and legacy, and therefore, that is one of the lowest blows for a man.
    –Talking to friends about things that are important to you for Hours, stonewall me, and then drop a conversation bomb about it for a total duration of less than 2minutes . . . and then fully expect me to “just get it” because “the other people you talk to totally get it”. Well yeah, that’s because you talk to them for hours.
    –Having a “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” mentality on things.

    Men want to be their wife’s hero. When we can’t be her hero, or if our wives won’t allow us to protect them, etc, we feel like a fish out of water. We have insecurities and worry too. Does she love me . . . if she loves me, then why does she consistently withhold intimacy? Does she know that my hard work is for her and the kids? Will she remain faithful to me? It’s worry. Definitely is. And there are things men should be doing to seek the Lord and ask for His guidance and help in dispelling that worry. But for most men, they just don’t have anyone to talk to. So those insecurities, get internalized – in a big way.

    Thanks for all you do, April/Greg – we’re definitely all broken! : ) Thank-you Jesus for the Grace that you’ve made possible for us.

    1. hh,


      THANK YOU for this! Thank you for being willing to express your masculine point of view and to share struggles that, I am sure, many men have. May God empower us as believing women in Christ to use this valuable information to bless our husbands and the marriages of other women (our friends, and those who come to us for advice). I wonder if you might consider allowing me to post any part of this anonymously?

      How I pray that my brothers in Christ might learn to put all of their security in Christ, not their wives – and that He might fill them with His Spirit to be the godly men He desires them to be for His glory.

      If you, or other men here, have suggestions for how wives might bless their husbands as they struggle with insecurity, what we might do that might provide reassurance, we’d love to hear about it!

      It sounds to me like some things we could do would to encourage, respect, build up, and honor our husbands might be for us to:

      not gossip or talk about our husbands behind their backs – except with one trusted godly mentoring wife/prayer partner (but even then, we might still speak respectfully of them)
      be trustworthy and loyal to our husbands with our words
      – give our husbands a “heads up” about a topic before we talk about it, and give him the time he needs to process and think through it, especially if it is a very important issue.
      – be transparent and accountable
      be joyfully willing to enjoy sex with our husbands whenever possible
      – keep our own walk with Christ strong and be Spirit-filled so that we are peaceful, content, joyful, and filled with great faith in God to lead us through our husbands

      Much love in Christ, my brother!


      1. Betsy,

        There are times when abstaining from sex may be necessary for healing and boundaries may have to be set temporarily until trust is restored. And there are times that abstaining from sex may create temptation and distance. I don’t have the answer for each particular wife in each circumstance – but this is something about which to fervently pray and seek God’s wisdom for you at this time in your marriage.

        It sounds like there are deep wounds on your side and your husband’s side. I pray for God’s healing for you both!

        1. Thank you April. We are both very hurt. And I feel that we brought unresolved hurt into our marriage, not knowing that we did. I bet it is very common for spouses who have a history of painful relationships/ or grew up in dysfunctional homes as in my case and my husbands, to reopen those old wounds when a crisis happens in a marriage. This intensifies present day pain. God is the only healer.

          I will continue to pray for God to work his wonders and restore our marriage. I can only work on myself, let my husband know how much I love him, and let him go, which is a risk.

          1. Betsy,

            YES! We all bring our hurts, scars, wounds, and baggage into our marriages. That makes things complicated, and we tend to respond and react out of our own hurts and then we unknowingly hurt each other. But God can and does heal those childhood wounds and adult wounds and He can help us reject our ungodly, wrong thinking and embrace His truth. He can regenerate our souls. We ALL need that desperately!

            What you are saying is so true. That is where every spouse must be as we seek to be godly wives – focusing on allowing God to change us, seeking to bless our husbands/wives, and trust God with our spouse and the future. Yes, there is risk in loving anyone – other than God. But He is sovereign and we can trust Him to work all things together for our good because He has called us and we love Him. You are not at the mercy of your husband. You are at the mercy of the God of the universe who loves you so much He sent His only Son to die for you so that you can be with Him. This is ultimately ALL about our walk with Christ.

            How I treat my husband reveals what my relationship with God is like. My level of respect for my husband (and other God-given authorities in my life and other people) is a tangible indicator of my level of respect for God. My level of love for my husband (and others in my life) is a tangible indicator of my love for God. Jesus counts the way I treat others as if I am doing those things for Him. My husband cannot make me sin. Stressful situations in my marriage reveal my true character – then God is able to refine my motives, my thinking, and my heart.

            Much love to you!

  7. This post is so true and a great reminder that our husbands really do love us. I had a tendency to focus on all of my disappointments that I had of my husband until I realized that I had disappointed him many times too and he had never complained about anything that I did wrong. I thank God for answering our prayers!

    1. Katy,
      It’s so great to hear from you! And it is especially good to hear that God is working in your heart. Thank you for sharing!

      Much love to you!

  8. This post came SO ON TIME for me. I had just got my feet wet in doing what God wanted and following your biblical guidelines… seeing awesome results! Peacefulness, security, happy, not nagging… also seeing my husband trust me and knowing I PROBABLY was not going to nag abt the things he enjoys doing including smoking. For 6 years I hounded him on smoking until this yr when I stumbled across your blog and was immediately convicted by your post about how we disrespect our husbands and what the signs are. I immediately stopped the nagging… removed the “blogger moms husband does this” list… and thanked God for who he is.

    Then Last week my husband decided to stop smoking cold turkey. I guess he trusted me a bit too much… hahaha but it has been a ROLLERCOASTER of emotions and some mean things have been said. And I just have to fall back on everything I just learned and practiced and I honestly look back like… 3 months ago when I was nagging abt smoking I probably would have not been able to handle this. I have slipped up but not a screaming match with one of us packing our bags and heading to mom’s. Maybe some tears in the bathroom then him or I apologizing and hugging and stuff. I know he doesn’t mean those things he says and with all the crazy symptoms that come with quitting smoking we are both tired and our minds are cloudy but I have to keep encouraging him and bringing him joy all the days of his life 🙂

    I am so glad you have decided to post what you have learned for free for women everywhere. Its so holy spirit filled and will definately bind and heal a lot of marriages in my honest opinion.

    1. Tiffany,

      I’m so thankful God is working so powerfully in your life! As a pharmacist, I know what a stressful time it is for everyone in the family when someone quits smoking. Hang in there, my precious sister! Your husband is not quite himself right now – and needs a LOT of extra grace! I am not sure I would take too many of the mean things he has said personally. He is in pretty major withdrawal right now.

      Much love to you! I love your attitude and pray you will continue to be faithful to Christ and to seek to bless your husband. Things should calm down in the next few weeks.

  9. Thank you April! Just what I needed. I like the way you described allowing the thoughts to come and then take root as one mediates on them as an avalanche. I can often feel the spiral down into a crazy place when I allow myself to go there. It is so crazy how the insecurities blind you to the things that he does do. Thank you again.

  10. Hi April. April does it say anywhere in the Bible that husband and wife should be best friends? See, I know that it is very rare that husband and wife become best friends. And say if one believes in Christ and other spouse doesnt there is no connection in their spiritual life and it seems to me you can’t be best friends with some one you can not connect with. Also friendship is a two way road, two sides need to choose each other as a best friend. Please share your thoughts if you don’t mind. Thank you.

    1. Julia,

      I don’t think that the Bible says a husband and wife “should be best friends.” I think that something much deeper than friendship is implied in the commands about marriage. And I am pretty sure that the Song of Solomon talks about the husband and wive being “lovers and friends.” But if one spouse is not a believer – there won’t be that spiritual connection, that is very true. I think you can have a pleasant friendship and that you can love and respect one another deeply even without the spiritual connection. But you may have a deeper spiritual connection with female prayer partners.

  11. What a great post. I have learned sooooo much in just the past four weeks from you. Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom. My eyes have been opened and I am filled with remorse and regret for the pain I have caused over the past 15 years. I can’t believe I was so blind and sinful. Although my husband is controlling and I am more passive, I have made our marriage an idol and have served and I see that I have obeyed him “because I had to”…not joyfully…..not with the right spirit….and many times trying to take over in my “quiet” way….I was completely blind to my sin. He told me I was disrespectful but I thought he was trying to manipulate me and did not understand. I tried and tried to work on the marriage, but I guess I finally gave up myself and just focused on our child. He shut down years ago, for the most part, but I never thought he would want out completely….now he says he thinks he wants a divorce…something we both promised we would never even bring up. I have apologized for my sin, and although he read and kept my note, he said nothing and speaks to me only when absolutely necessary. He will not touch me and barely looks at me. I am spending hours a day studying the Word and praying and working on being respectful, trying to give him space. I have sent him a few encouraging texts and giving him smiles and communicating gratitude and really working hard on my end, but so far (it has been a month) there has been no change, he’s possibly even more distant. I just wonder if there is anything else I could be doing?? I have thought to write again (a little more detailed apology) but I don’t want to push him further away. I am just afraid he will think I am ignoring the issue, as I tend to do….I am not, I am just trying to lean on the Lord completely and let Him change me and my husband.

  12. Thank you for your kind words and most especially your prayers. I need them so much! It means so much to me to have some help here. My husband is a believer but often seems far from God. He goes back and forth. He is extremely distrustful of me in this area and said a few weeks ago that it seems I am “so far ahead of him” and that I “trust other preachers over him” , and will share nothing of his walk with Christ with me, which really breaks my heart. He also told me he prays with his coworkers…..yet he has never prayed with me. So I am trying to stay completely silent on anything related to faith. I am safe although I have been afraid of his anger at times…but I don’t think he would hurt us. He never has, other than verbally….but now I can see why. 🙁 Right now he is more in a completely uncaring mode than actively angry. He has struggled with depression and is on an antidepressant which has caused some “male issues”, which I believe has contributed to his pain. I do not know about an affair, though he is so closed off and private, and works so much, I would probably not even know. I know your children were younger as you passed through this years ago, but how would you handle them when they are asking what is wrong with Dad? Why isn’t he speaking to you? And are obviously hurting. Thank you again for sharing your wisdom with me.

    1. Hummingbird,

      I actually have quite a few posts about this issue. Try searching my home page for:

      – husband not good spiritual leader
      – ways husbands lead wives don’t often notice
      – emotionally distant
      – passive husband
      – interview with my husband
      – husband pray with me

      Our children were so young, and things had been that way for so long – they really didn’t notice or say anything about why Daddy didn’t answer Mama or about the tension. But – I think it would be appropriate to say something like, “Daddy is having a tough time right now. Let’s pray together for him and let’s ask God to show us how we can bless him.” But I don’t think I would share details – does that make sense?

      Also please check out:

      Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers

      Much love to you!


  13. J,
    I totally agree with you and I am glad when people comment about their struggles rather than staying in isolation about them. We all face similar struggles and trials – and we can bless and pray for one another if we share them!

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