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“Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

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What a tough, painful, awful question for any wife (or husband) to have to think about. My heart grieves for the many people I hear from who are in this very situation every week. I don’t have God’s wisdom about every possible scenario – only God can show each wife whether He desires her to stay or to leave at a particular time. Many women want me to tell them what they should do. Sometimes there are no easy answers. But this is something that each wife ultimately must decide between herself and God. 

If a husband continues in unrepentant sin – infidelity, drug/alcohol/gambling addictions, has severe and uncontrolled mental illness, is involved in criminal activity, or is genuinely *abusing his wife and/or children – there can be times when God may prompt a wife to leave or to seek appropriate help immediately.

  • Sometimes in really serious situations, this may be a pretty obvious decision a wife may need to make. There are times when it takes a wife leaving or her asking her husband to leave for him to realize the seriousness of the situation.
  • In some less clear cut situations, God may prompt a wife to stay and seek to minister to her husband His way.

God loves marriage and hates divorce (Mal. 2:16, Matt. 19:4-6). Marriage is a sacred covenant that is designed by God to picture the relationship between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:22-33). There are times when separation is necessary, but separation is not the general goal of marriage. If we must separate, we can do so while praying for God to bring about repentance from any sin, spiritual/emotional healing in Christ, and reconciliation for the marriage (I Cor 7:10-16).

Separation is a very serious thing, and not something to enter lightly. I don’t believe it is wise to bring up the topic of divorce for a believer. It is difficult to find much biblical support for a believer in Christ to initiate divorce (with very few exceptions).

I would want to spend SERIOUS time in fervent prayer and fasting before beginning to consider talking about separation unless there is an emergency situation involving safety. This is a life changing decision that could have extremely negative consequences for everyone in the family. Much caution and godly wisdom will be necessary here!

Some questions I would want to prayerfully wrestle with and consider if I found myself in a very difficult situation of trying to decide what God desires me to do (these questions cover a very wide range of possible situations):

– Do I accept that my husband has free will from God just like I do? He cannot force me into decisions and I cannot force him into decisions. God doesn’t override our free will and we don’t have the right to override people’s free will. We can ask for what we want respectfully. We can say what we are and are not able to do. We can set boundaries and limits on what behavior we will accept. We may have to change our own behavior in response to what our husbands do. But I cannot demand that my husband do what I want or force him to do what I want any more than he has the right to do that to me – even if I believe I am right.

Do I understand proper boundaries in a relationship? I am responsible for myself, my emotions, my decisions, my behavior, my sin, and my obedience to God. My husband is responsible for himself in those areas. I cannot change my husband. He cannot change me. We are not responsible for our spouse’s happiness. We can seek to bless them and we may influence them, but they are responsible for themselves.

– Am I a people pleaser? Do I seek my husband’s approval (or someone else’s approval) more than the approval of Christ?

– Am I acting like a martyr?

– Do I have pride or self-righteousness in my heart?

– Do I want to leave simply because I am not happy at the time? Is it possible I could be placing too much emphasis on my current level of happiness? In my pursuit of my own temporary happiness, am I willing to wound my husband and children and destroy my family? Is happiness God’s greatest goal for me? Or does He want me to be holy, faithful,  obedient, and pleasing to Him primarily? Are my changing emotions more important to me than my covenant with Christ or with my husband?

– What will the cost be to my husband, children, others, and myself if I stay? What will the cost be if I go?

– Do I long to obey God more than anything, even if it is a painful path?

– Am I willing to allow God to “prune me” spiritually?

– Am I willing to trust God and embrace whatever good purposes He has for me and my family in the midst of my pain (Rom. 8:28-30, James 1:2-4)?

– Am I trying to be a godly wife in my own strength instead of resting in Christ and allowing His power to fill me?

– Am I trying to use guilt to manipulate my husband into doing what I want him to do?

– How does God desire me to partner with Him to draw my husband to Himself so that I am not a stumbling block and so that I don’t get in God’s way in my husband’s life? Is this a time of not using words but showing my husband my godly, respectful, cooperative attitude (1 Peter 3:1-6)? Is it a time when I need to confront my husband’s sin? Or do I just need to leave quickly for my own safety or our children’s safety without any discussion?

– How does God desire me to respect Him, respect myself, respect my marriage covenant, respect my husband, and respect our children in this trial?

Am I overdoing respect and submission in a destructive way?

– Am I being controlling or disrespectful?

– Am I meeting my husband’s needs for things like respect, honor, love, and sex – even if I think he is not meeting my needs adequately – unless there are severe issues going on that keep me from being able to meet his needs? (Eph. 5:22-33, I Corinthians 7:1-5)

– Am I being the wife God desires me to be?

– Do I believe I am justified in God’s sight to sin against my husband if my husband sins against me? God never gives any of us a free pass to sin or accepts excuses for any sin. Sin is always sin, even if we are being sinned against. God desires us to respond in the power of His Spirit and overcome evil with good (Rom. 12:17-21, Gal. 5:18-25)

– Is my husband actually sinning against me according to God’s Word? Or is our struggle simply a matter of different personal convictions?

– What do I need to do so that I am as close to God as possible, being nourished spiritually, filled with His Spirit, and abiding in His Word?

– Do I possess and wear the full armor of God each day? (Eh. 6:10-17)

– Do I view my husband as the enemy – or do I see past him to the real enemies – sin and Satan? (Eph. 6:12)

– Do I understand Satan has a plan to steal, kill, and destroy in my marriage? (John 10:10)

– Am I able to let go of any bitterness and forgive my husband? That doesn’t mean I need to trust him until he is willing to rebuild trust. But am I willing to get rid of the poison of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness in my heart so that I am right with God and I don’t give the enemy a foothold in my heart and life? (Matt. 6:14-15, Eph. 4:27)

– Do I need outside, godly, biblical, experienced help?

– Am I safe? Are our children safe? Do I need to involve the police?

Am  I willing to hold my husband loosely and cling to Christ alone – knowing He is sufficient for me and that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (2 Cor. 12:9, Phil. 4:12-13)?

Are there any expectations I need to lay down? Are any of my expectations unbiblical?

– Do I have any idols in my heart – things that I cherish and desire more than Christ? Is Christ truly my greatest desire? Is He the Love of my life?

– Is there anything I might be doing (attitudes, beliefs, words, thoughts, or actions) that could contribute to the toxic atmosphere in our home that God desires me to change (Matt. 7:1-5)?

What sin is in my life do I need to address?

– Am I willing to let God change me first instead waiting for my husband to change first?

– Am I willing to obey God even if my husband never changes without being bitter at God or my husband – understanding that this is all about me and Jesus and that how I treat my husband is a barometer of how I treat God?

– What resources does God have for me in this situation? (the Bible, biblical books, blogs, godly counselors, prayer, prayer partners, means of provision)

– What are my motives in wanting to stay? Do they honor Christ, are they based on I Corinthians 13:4-8 love, or are my motives based in fear or idolatry of my husband?

– What would my motives be if I decide I need to go? Do I have righteous anger or sinful anger? Do my motives to honor Christ or am I filled with hatred and a desire for revenge? Am I trying to punish my husband?

– Am I willing to seek to bless my husband (no matter how he responds) from a position of great strength and power in Christ – not as a doormat and not as a controlling wife?

– Am I seeking to understand my husband, realizing that there may be a lot of things I don’t know about his motives and actions? Am I unfairly assuming he has evil motives?

– Am I willing to seek to obey and honor Christ alone in my relationship with my husband knowing I will answer only to Him when this short life is over (Matt 25:21)?

– Am I secure in my identity in Christ no matter what my husband does?

– Am I able to hear God clearly (Isa. 30:21)?

– Am I praying so that God will hear my prayers about my husband?

– Am I willing to obey God whatever He asks me to do?

– Am I filled with His Spirit?

– Am I seeking God’s greatest glory above all else? That is my highest purpose in life (1 Peter 2:12).

SHARE:

If you have been in such a situation (as a husband or a wife), what other questions would you suggest wives ask themselves as they wrestle in prayer over this painful decision and seek Christ above all else? What encouragement would you share for those who are hurting?

If you are struggling right now and need prayer, you are welcome to ask for prayer and God’s wisdom. We may not know what God desires you to do. But we can pray with you for God to show you as you seek Him with all your heart!

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 46:1-3

* Some women are being terribly abused and that is not right! Not ever! No one should ever be mistreated and abused in any way. God hates all sin. All sin is destructive. What makes the word “abuse” complicated is that some wives think they are not being abused but they are not. I want to be careful here! When I talk about abuse – I am talking about a spouse genuinely seeking to hurt the other spouse emotionally, spiritually, financially, or physically – not just that a husband has a different opinion, is asking for respect, wants his wife to honor his appropriate leadership, or wants a wife to keep a balanced check book. I hope that makes sense!

RELATED:

When My Spouse Is Wrong

The Wrong Counselor Can Be More Dangerous Than No Counselor

Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places

A Peaceful Separated Wife

A Peaceful Divorced Wife

A Separated Wife Finally Experiences God’s Peace!

When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”

The Bible and Divorce

A Husband Teeters on the Edge of Divorce

Some Ideas That Helped Me Destroy My Marriage

RELATED TO ABUSE:

Do I Condone CDD or BDSM?

Do I Condone Marital Rape or Abuse?

87 thoughts on ““Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

  1. Please pray for me.
    When I timidly said to my husband 2 years ago “I don’t feel loved or wanted by you… I’m actually praying even if I should stay or go”.
    He responded sarcasticly “and how is that going for you?”
    I was so heartbroken I left the room. But no one would ever expect that from him he is always smiling and a great guy to everyone else.
    Then whilst pregnant with our 6th child he walked out on us. Said he just wasn’t happy, did not want the responsibilities of husband or father and left. The children and I were in shock. As were our friends and families.
    Then he said it wasn’t a seperation or divorce just a break for 6 months…
    There is so many lies betrayal etc since he walked out. He was caught by a close friend with another woman in his car, they both tried to hide that was just a couple of weeks after he left us. Then when I caught him with a married woman he told me its only my interpretation of the bible that what he is doing is wrong… I said you told me you were having a break! He said he changed his mind.
    That woman has now left her husband for mine – she is not a Christian, and she has 3 young children too…
    God has given me a sign to stand for my marriage but I honestly struggle and argue why God what for?? I’d rather stay separated now than ever go back to feeling unloved and unwanted. spected and was a good God fearing wife to him… He said its not about you its about me.
    My heart just breaks. He said he lied and pretended for years and was just playing happy church family. I was dumbfounded. Our church family is shocked. Like he just turned into a different person.
    I struggle with prayer now.. I always pray for the armor of God on us, for protection. Why did God allow this to happen to our family?
    Why wasn’t my love enough for my husband?
    He said I’m just not happy in this relationship. 13 years gone just like that and 6 children under 12. Like we were nothing. 🙁 and his happiness is most important. He said the children will grow up and get over it.
    Years ago he would have been disgusted to ever think a man would do such a thing..now he is it.

    1. Broken,

      Oh no! What a painful mess. 🙁 My heart breaks over your story and your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug!

      God is able to heal marriages this broken. I have seen Him do it many times. But if He heals it, He will radically change it. I wouldn’t want to go back to the old marriage y’all had before. My prayer is for Christ to draw your husband to Himself and to bring him to repentance and to fill him with God’s Spirit and make him more and more like Jesus. Until he is willing to change and become a man of integrity and trustworthiness, I know that I wouldn’t want to try to get back together.

      My greatest concerns are for your husband’s soul, your spiritual walk, and your children’s emotional/spiritual well being. It sounds like your husband may not know God and that he may be in danger of eternal damnation if he had to face God today – just considering the fruit of his life.

      God doesn’t cause people to sin. People choose to sin themselves and we have free will – so God does not override our free will. And yet, He is sovereign at the same time and He uses even the evil things people do to accomplish His good purposes (like Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery in Egypt, and like the Jews and Romans crucifying Jesus).

      A story that is on my heart a lot recently is the tragedy at the church in Charleston 2 weeks ago where a gunman took the lives of 9 believers in Christ. What he did was VERY wrong. He doesn’t deserve grace or forgiveness. But look how God is using the testimony of the survivors and families and their determination to forgive to spread the Gospel around the world and to bring great glory to Jesus!

      I don’t know why your husband lied or why he left – other than that he is a sinner and he is not living for Christ right now. I don’t know that you did anything wrong. Sometimes a wife may do almost everything right, but a husband may still choose to sin. Some people make happiness an idol. Perhaps that is what is going on here? I don’t know your husband’s heart.

      But what I do know is that God is able to make something beautiful from this mess in your life. And I do know that God may use this fiery trial to draw you closer to Himself and to bring about your ultimate good in ways that no human can begin to imagine. And I know that God is able to use this ugly, painful, icky nightmare ultimately for His glory as you trust Him and allow Him to refine you and lead you.

      I fear for your husband and his current spiritual state. If he does not repent, God will administer vengeance and justice to him. How I pray God will open his eyes and that he might turn to Christ before it is too late and that he might become the husband and father God desires him to be.

      Please don’t listen to the enemy’s lies about prayer or about God! Focus on who God is and His character and attributes. Focus on allowing Him to change you and to cause you to mature in your faith and grow greatly in strength and in prayer.

      Perhaps you might want to check out “Lord, Teach Me to Pray” by Kay Arthur? She has had her share of heartache and trials, as well. In the video part of this study, she shares some of that and what God has done in her life. It’s amazing!

      How is your quiet time with God going?

      How can we pray for you?

      How is your walk with Christ?

      Much love to you, my precious sister!

      1. How is your quiet time with God going?
        I love God so very much. I cry as I type because I feel as though I am so angry and betrayed and even though I know God has made it very clear to stand for my marriage I want to rebel. I say I could never trust him again LORD… He replies “you can do through my strength” (phil 4:13) every argument I have with Him i fail, and feel like I am just like the Israelites whinging and complaining!!! Other times I just cry. “God please help me” is all I can pray at the moment. I feel like I am sliding into wanting to rebel. I pray for my husbands salvation but at the same time I do want God’s word to not return void regarding the outcome of the man and adulterous woman in Proverbs…
        Someone said to me the other day “You have such incredible faith” I responded “No I serve an incredible God!”
        People are saying to me all the time “You look amazing… you are looking so beautiful” etc
        I respond “If only my heart would match”… or “If only my husband would have seen/thought that”… I was invisable to him though unless he wanted sex. And I always gave that as I wanted his love and attention and that was the only way I received it. I read you blog about feeling like meat. Only because someone said to me recently “you must have just been a piece of meat to him. 🙁
        I prayed earnestly before he left for God to do whatever he needed to use this family for His glory and to help my husband become the Husband and Father God had created him to be. My friends keep reminding me of that… but boy if this is a part of that goodness me what a trial. Some days I’m just treading water. So much has happened in the 10 months since his left – it was a miracle our 6th baby entered the world safely with all I was feeling and going through.

        Please Pray for my heart. Pray for my children and I to have forgiveness. Pray for this to somehow be used for His glory. Pray for my husband. Pray for the restoration of the other womans marriage. Pray for my husbands eyes to be truly opened. For his heart….

        Sorry this is so long…

        1. Broken,

          I love your heart for Christ. And I love your prayer before your husband left. Sometimes God’s timeframe is much slower than ours. But when that happens, the delay is important. It is often to accomplish His good purposes in ways that could never be accomplished if He answered right away. I pray you might rest peacefully in God’s love and sovereignty and allow Him to continue to grow and mature you in your faith. I pray for His wisdom for you with your children. I pray for the church support you need and for strong, godly women to surround you with prayer and help. I pray for God to empower you to forgive by His strength – not because your husband deserves it, but because Jesus is worthy.

          I pray God might change your husband to be a godly man, a trustworthy man, the man He desires him to be.

          Much love!
          April

          1. Re: “Sometimes His timeframe is much slower than ours. . . etc.). ”

            My (oh my!) how long it took my Lord to teach me this lesson! Sometimes he still has to remind me! It is so powerfully freeing to understand!!

            Lord, give us patience (!). Help us to wait on you. You know our hearts and our struggles and we trust you to deliver us, Lord, according to your will for us!

          2. FreeIndeed!

            Yep. I think we all want this process to take about 2-3 hours or 1 week max. But that is not how God operates. I understand His wisdom now and how important the waiting is many times. May we all remember to wait on God and His timing instead of trying to push Him and rush things as we are prone to do.

            Thank you so much for sharing!

    2. We have the same story – we were the ideal church couple. Then there is infidelity – my husband left me and my 2 kids because according to him, he isn’t happy anymore. Now, his girlfriend is broadcasting something about “their coming baby”. It’s been more than a year since he left. My heart is hardened. I don’t see myself open to any reconciliation and it bothers me. I’ve lost the love I once have for my husband. I don’t want a complete family now, i think we’re better off without him. I know it’s wrong and that I should still pray for my marriage, but i just don’t feel like it anymore. I don’t want to pray for him to come back anymore. painful days are over… I am happy with the way things are going on now. I’ve moved on.
      Please help – I really need help. I am so engrossed with the attention and admiration other men are giving me. It’s like: “I didn’t know I am beautiful until I was set free from him.” Now, I am beginning to enjoy wearing sexy clothes. I enjoy going out with men who are good looking and well-off. Men of the world. I am lost. I don’t wanna be lost forever, please help… :'(

      1. Debbie,

        Such a heartbreaking situation! I am very, very sorry to hear about your husband’s infidelity. I can understand that you wouldn’t want him back unless there were massive changes. Repentance and spiritual growth, honesty, brokenness, and transparency and a willingness to rebuild trust would absolutely be necessary.

        I have seen God heal many, many marriages even after infidelity. He is a God who is able to heal and save. How I praise Him for that!

        God doesn’t command believing wives to go back to their unrepentant, unfaithful husbands. But – there needs to be great caution here, my sister. And I am very concerned if you are excited about wearing sexy clothes and going after men of the world.

        What is your relationship with Christ?

        What sin might you be cherishing in your heart at this point?

        What do you believe God is calling you to do?

        God can change your heart and your desires. I’d be glad to walk through this with you! I am praying for you!

      2. Please be careful, Debbie. If you’ve gone awhile without attention and affection from your spouse and now there’s so much betrayal…you could really be setting yourself up to be hurt by some charmer who later turns to a snake. It feels good to be noticed. You’re so vulnerable right now! One of the reasons that kept me in my marriage was the realization that I couldn’t protect my kids as well without my husband and anyone I’d even consider dating may harm them right under my nose. I just don’t trust my own barometer for what a healthy, godly man looks like. The real, intimate love that takes time and goes through stages,I am impatient for but I wouldn’t want to be the fool who falls for the counterfeit stuff. Just because your husband left doesn’t mean you can throw yourself to the wolves. You’re worth God’s best. May our Lord bless you with wisdom and a keen sense of personal value as you move forward in healing.

        1. Refined,
          Very wise advice! Thank you so much for sharing. I, unfortunately, know of a number of cases where a mom’s new boyfriend did molest her children. There are many, many reasons to be very cautious here and especially to avoid worldly men. Nothing good could possibly come from that.

          I also know of so many marriages that God healed and made into something beautiful. I would hate for anyone to go through the awful stuff and miss the miracles!

        2. Sisters April and Refined,

          Thank you very much for the warning. I believe that the Lord still loves me, no matter how stubborn I am as His child because He showed me this website. Too many times, I would battle against my own feelings – i wouldn’t admit that I am still hurting and keep on trying to make myself believe that I am over my failed marriage. It’s so hard to ignore the enemy’s whispers as he is always trying to justify my wrong deeds. Oh, please pray for my soul. I am afraid that I am also loosing the love I once had for Jesus. I know what is good and what is right, but I can’t seem to find my will to choose God’s will for me. I am a hardened heart and soul. The longing I once had for His words are slowly fading and I am so scared to totally loose my soul.
          Please continue to pray for me.

          1. Debbie Fracia,

            Of course the Lord still loves you! Nothing can change that!!!! 🙂

            I invite you to search my home page search bar for:

            – emotions
            – feelings
            – happiness
            – contentment
            – godly femininity

            I believe some of these posts might bless you, my precious sister!

            Are there things that you might be clinging to that might be grieving God’s Spirit and causing the loss of love for Him? I know for me, when I was holding on to bitterness, resentment, pride, self-righteousness, and a variety of idols (things I wanted more than Jesus) – I didn’t desire God’s will nearly as much. This is often the reason for the fading love.

            Also, check out James 4. Friendship with the world is enmity toward God. We must choose one or the other. That is a conscious choice we each make. We can’t have both.

            You can ask God to give you a deep desire for Him and to change your desires that you might delight in Him alone.

            How is your Bible reading time and prayer time going?

            What are you reading recently?

            What do you pray for?

            Much love to you! 🙂

          2. It sounds like you may be experiencing grief, which would be understandable. I’ve heard the body responds to situations like divorce as if it were a death. Would you consider some sort of support or grief counseling for yourself? This may help you keep your eyes wide open as you take your next steps forward…whatever they might be. I am so sorry you’re hurting so much but your kids need you to not numb out or make risky decisions that might hurt your family. If someone cut you, would you not bleed? You’ve been greatly wounded, don’t ignore that. Many persons in the Bible suffered and struggled to find hope again but God didn’t give up on them. Remember how long it took Naomi to heal from the loss of her sons and husband? Only after Ruth had given her grandchildren did she allow herself to really experience joy again. You’ll find your way. Don’t you give up on Him.

          3. Thank you very much.
            I was delivered here for Godly counseling and yes, I will find the right path again, through God’s leading. I hope to serve His ministry again, with stronger conviction, with more love and passion to deliver His words to those who, like me, are wounded by this kind of situation. I am still trying to find the goodness out of this pain and sufferings that me, my children and the rest of my family have to go through.
            Indeed, “all things work together for good to those who love the LORD.”
            I will be forever grateful. 🙂

          4. Debbie Fracia,

            I am always glad to hear from you and pray with you. Please reach out any time. And if you need someone to walk beside you in person – I pray God will provide all of the resources you need – a biblical, Christ-centered counselor who will prayerfully walk with you on this painful journey.

            You are most welcome here. I am praying for healing for you all and for God’s glory in your family. Most of all, for your walk with Christ. That is the most important thing!!! And for your husband to be reconciled to Christ by the power of God’s Spirit.

            Sending you the biggest hug, my dear sister!

  2. Just to ad. I’m not a nagging wife. We had a wonderful sex life, I’m in good shape, I kept a tidy home, tried to help him with a failing business, respected, encouraged and nothing seemed like it was ever enough.
    I sobbed to God many times and that was when God showed me innapropriate text messages and then after he left us the other woman.
    He says what he is doing now is ok because he left me. And that he does not fear God at all. Please pray for him too.

    1. Broken,
      I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of such dastardly behaviour on your husband’s part. He is clearly caught in sin and out of control. This is what makes sin so awful; it turns a man, a creation God intended to be noble, just, full of honor and truth and a reflection of his Father in heaven, into a despicable and vile caricature of the same. Sin hurts, sin is ugly. My heart hurts for you and your poor babies! There is no doubt that your husband is in major spiritual trouble right now. However, stuff like this shocks us, because we were in the dark, but everything is open to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. There is no sin so vile or hidden that He cannot deal with it and break through the anaesthetic fog of sin to the heart of the one caught in it If you are able, gather to yourself a prayer team who will commit with you to offer regular intercession for your husband and fight for his soul and your family. The devil gets far too many easy victories because God’s people don’t commit to regular prayer on behalf of souls.

      April has many good resources on this blog to avail yourself of. You need to strengthen yourself in the Lord right now so that you are so solid in Him that you can have peace regardless of what your husband does. You mentioned that you wondered why your love wasn’t enough. It wasn’t about your love not being enough but about God’s love not being enough This is always the case with an idolater; one who is involved in repeated sexual sin and pursuit of self gratification is always involved in idolatry. Idols capture and ensnare It’s not about you but rather your husband’s relationship to God. Jesuswill fill in the gaps for you, if you will trust Him. Here is a scripture I hope will comfort you somewhat. God is talking to Israel, hence the wrath part, but I believe that this would be His heart towards you, since scripture is full of statements about God’s concern for those who have been abandoned, are fatherless or without a husband, or are the innocent who have been wronged by another. :
      Isaiah 54:5-8King James Version (KJV)

      5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
      6 For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
      7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
      8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

      1. 🙂 So much you have said is so wise.
        Isaiah 54:13,16&17 have been up in my kitchen for a few years I treasure those verses. I pray them most days.
        Thank you so much. Praise God for this blog. I appreciate April and all of your comments here. God bless you.

    2. Broken,
      Praying for you! I have 8 under 12 so I know what a task it is! Keep praying dear one. Try and keep your eyes on God, and get lots of support around you. Your husband needs your prayers more than ever. Please let us know how you are doing. I hope it all work out. ( hugs)

    3. Broken,

      How my heart grieves for you and your children! My father, whom I loved very much, left when I was ten, and the pain is still intense to this day, just remembering. Please hold tight to all the truths about God April has reminded you of, and cling to him for strength and wisdom as you rebuild your life.

      I wonder if your husband has “gone off the deep end,” so to speak, because he didn’t believe he could handle all the responsibilities in his life? You spoke of a failed business and six children in 13 years. This is an enormous amount of responsibility and adjustment for anyone to deal with, and unless we are mature and have built a good relationship with God and our mate, it could feel overwhelming. Especially if your husband feels like a failure and doesn’t think he can ever be good enough, he may have walked away and sought “comfort” in ungodly ways, lying to himself and to you to avoid the pain of a stricken heart and conscience. If this is true, the responsibility still lies with him to make things right, but it may help explain why he chose to abandon his family. I am praying that he will see the enormous tragedy of what he has done and use this experience to eventually become a strong, mature husband and father who trusts God to help him fulfill his responsibilities.

      In the meantime, I pray for comfort for you, my dear sister, and hope you will love your children with twice the normal love, never telling them that their father is a “rat”, as my mother told me, but explaining that he made a bad decision that he alone is responsible for. Please keep hope alive within them that their father may return to God eventually. My heart is with you all! Much love, Elizabeth

      1. Elizabeth,
        Really good points about Broken’s husband’s possible perspective. I would imagine he may have felt totally overwhelmed and maybe very depressed about his abilities to provide and take care of all of these responsibilities. That does not excuse his sin – but people sometimes turn to sin when they are feeling desperate or don’t see another way out.

        Thank you for praying for Broken with us!

      1. Thank you all for your prayers.

        Perhaps he did feel overwhelmed with responsibility… My heart is confused though as he walked out on us to now having a relationship with another mans wife and his 3 children – so eventually will have 9 children to care for??
        Someone said to me recently “Don’t try to make sense of sin because sin makes no sense!”

        All I know is I made a vow to God on my wedding day to love my husband through good times and bad till death do we part. If this is the bad than I just have to trust God knows what He is doing as I lay my marriage at His feet. The Bible says wives are not to separate from their husband unless they be reconciled.
        Boundries are so important in marriage and a lot of marriages today lack boundaries – individually and as a couple.
        I am starting to thank God that with my husband leaving us I can finally actually breathe and looks at the last 13 years of our married life from some different angles. The Holy Spirit is amazing as we pray for wisdom, knowledge and discernment He does give it to us – at just the right time.

        He will never leave us nor forsake us. What a promise the Children and I now cherish!!!

        1. broken,

          I sincerely doubt he has thought about the cost of this sin – it is usually more of a “this feels good right now” thing than someone planning out and anticipating all of the ramifications and costs of sin when there is adultery.

          I love your heart for God and for your marriage covenant.

          Praying for you!

          1. He said he does not make decisions lightly and had thought it all through before leaving us. 🙁
            I don’t really know what things were truth and what were not… He has told so many lies. Now I have no respect for him whatsoever… And I know that is huge because God states wives are to respect their husband’s…. What exactly am I to respect when he continues to love and live in his sin?
            The last time I spoke to him a month ago I told him I still care for him and love him… He answered “why do you love me? What for?”
            What does that mean coming from a man?

          2. Broken,

            You certainly don’t ever have to respect lies, adultery, or sin of any kind. You can respect the fact that he is a creation of God for whom Christ died and that God wants him to come to Himself. You can respect the fact that he is your husband and that you have a marriage covenant – and you can choose to honor that covenant in spite of his sin and his willingness to break the covenant.

            Perhaps he believes that you didn’t respect him as a man? I don’t know. Maybe he felt like a total failure in your eyes? Maybe he needs to see that there is hope?

            Surely he does have some good traits and strengths that you can respect. You may have to think back in the past about this to see them – earlier in your marriage or when you were dating. He may be intelligent, or creative or strong physically. He may be good with words. He may be a hard worker. There are good things in him still – even though he has rebelled against God and is a sinner. He is not beyond the reach of Christ and His blood. God wants to turn him around, break him, bring him to his knees in repentance, and give him a new life in Christ.

            You can pray to see him with God’s eyes and to see God’s plans for him.

            Much love to you!

  3. Regarding your question April about wives being in a similar situation and what questions we think other wives should ask, I am musing on that one because I’ve been in that situation before. Here are some of the things I would think about, with the idea being that before one EVER makes a life altering decision that may be irrevocable once made and have lasting consquences for yourself and others, we need to get above it all and step outside ourselves for some objectivity.

    Is there unfinished or undealt with brokenness and sin in your life?

    Have you “locked on” to an end goal so that you are now discounting all other possibilities? If so, you may be on your own agenda, if you are not willing to stop and seek God until you are clear on what HE wants you to do.

    Have you allowed sinful behaviour to “ride” unaddressed in a biblical way, so that you are now so angry and offended that the anger has become hate? Do you have a clear picture of how to biblically address a husband’s sin? If you are in a situation with a husband who is too arrogant to accept even humble appeals, have you moved on to involving your leadership?

    Re: leadership, if you have a pastor and elders who are dismissive and prefer “lite christianity” to actually following the bible, you may unfortunately have to attempt to confront them, or move on to a church that will help you biblically. Failing that, you can try to find a biblical counselor. I say this because sadly, its getting hard to find churches and leaders that are obedient and take God’s word serioiusly.

    What I am getting at here, is that we sometimes hope a problem will go away on its own, or we tighten up and try to grin and bear it and act as if we are too holy to be bothered by something. That is not being a godlyl person, its being a cowardly self preserving person. Paul’s prescriptioin for dealing with sin in the church is to get on it and follow the steps he gives, not avoid the issue. Its fine to ask for help if you cannot do it alone, esp. if you are with someone who might be dangerous, but the point is, don’t allow sin to run on unaddressed. you do no one any favor, least of all yourself. Take biblical steps before the molehill becomes an insurmountable mountain. If you’ve lived all your life with fear and intimidation, its understandable to go miles around a confrontation but its not biblical. Get help with getting srong enough to biblically confront and deal with refusals to repent if you need to.

    While you were dating, did you and your husband sexually violate each other? This is not a little oopsie or getting carried away. the bible calls it defrauding one another and it usually has pretty serious repercussions trust wise in a marriage. It’s a sin that promises the joy of closeness but actually robs us of it. Its a rabid little fox running amok in the vineyard; catch it and kill it via real and deep repentance and restoring honor. Deal with any sin patterns related to sexuality including ones that have come from being sinned against in childhood in this way. Even if both of you consented to the sin in a steamy desire filled moment, that doesn’t change the deep heart level awarenes that you have both been robbed of something. Do not neglect this one.

    Have you been the victim of a divorce in childhood? Then you’ve been handed a broken image that needs to be repaired. Children of divorce have been shattered and robbed of security and family, even when the divorce was for legit reasons like severe family violence. Our minds have to be renewed in terms of replacing this broken image with God’s image and healing the wounds, anger and bitterness that may be still there.
    Folks from divorced homes find it far easier to get a divorce if that’s been the norm for them, unless they do the work of replacing broken gut level “theology” with God’s theology on the matter.

    Dealing with things before they get “big” is probably key. Once we get locked on to focusing on how miserable we are and how we deserve to be happy, it can be pretty hard to stop that particular train. However that train usually picks up speed and derails at some point and then we are left to face the ugliness of sin and selfishness. I hope someone can avoid that sad result if possible. Personally, I don’t beleive in unsupervised separations though I believe sometimes women are in situaitons where they have no choice but to do so because they don’t have help.

    Separation is dangerous territory and the enemy often prepares a tempation in that time for us to get caught up in, usually in the form of another relationship. It’s my thinking that churches need to be set up protected separations where the parties can receive biblical help and support and have a clear idea of the bibilical parameters beforehand, i.e. separation or reconciliaton. I think if people were clear on biblical teaching on this, they would not separate unless it was truly required becuase they wouldn’t be acting on the latent hope that there might be a better option out there that they could avail themselves of.
    Okay, shutting up now 🙂

  4. I’m in a painful, messy separation right now. I think all the questions you addressed are so useful. My separation just hit a year last week and God has worked in my life so much. My husband has been in unrepentant adultery for 1.5 years now, this is his 3rd affair and he and his current mistress have a 6 month old baby. Huge, ugly mess but I am experiencing an amazing peace from God. Don’t get me wrong, the pain is tremendous, the confusion at times is overwhelming, but God has done so much in my heart this past year. My biggest struggle is that I don’t want my marriage to work out. I can’t see ever being with my husband but I’m trusting God in that too. I don’t feel peace at all to file for divorce and my husband isn’t seeking it either.

    I think for me, the only way I could have gotten through this, this far, and allowed the Lord to point out my sin in my heart when I’ve been so obviously wronged is by having a church that has walked this with me so faithfully. I would probably be a wreck without them. We need the body of Christ to hold us up and fight for us when we are too weak to do it on our own. I have had to put up some boundaries with him under the leadership of my church, which is also something I wouldn’t have been able to do alone.

    Two of the biggest questions for me has been am I willing to surrender all my wants and desires and am I willing to obey God even when its hard.
    Those are two things that I have done but I also have to continually do as I’m faced with struggles each day to just keep going on in this battle. My life is not my own and if this is what God wants to do in my life, I want to accept that. Its not the life I thought I’d have and I don’t know what tomorrow looks like, but I can trust that God knows and his plan for my life is better than mine.

    I would like to ask for prayer for wisdom as I move forward. I’m meeting today with my elders to discuss some issues that need to be addressed. My daughter is also struggling and needs prayer.

    1. Jeanne,

      What a powerful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom that you have learned from experience and from God.

      I lift you, your husband, your daughter, and church leadership up to God and ask for His continued wisdom, mercy, direction, healing, and for His greatest glory in your lives.

      I know this will bless many hurting wives (and husbands).

  5. As a wife currently in a “healing separation”, the best thing I did by far in this whole thing was lay my shame and pride aside and immediately involve 3 Godly advisors (for both of us). I could go on and on and on about how this changed everything about this. And they are not perfect people, and they don’t even always agree with each other. But that backbone and accountability has been so valuable.

    1. H31,
      Thank you so much for sharing this. Very helpful. I welcome any insights you might feel led to share. I know you are in the fiery trial right now, but I am so amazed at the way God is leading you and you are listening.

      I praise God for you and pray for His continued healing for you and your husband, as well as your marriage and children.

      1. I’ll add some more thoughts as they come to me in case someone reading this could benefit at some point.

        – God wants to work on both of you.

        If your spouse had serious issues, likely that has consumed your energy, and you may find you’ve ignored your own growth.

        In my case, we are both working on getting back together. I can see that God has an “order of operations”. What you think is your most important flaw, or your spouse’s, is often not what He reveals or works on first. But His order will delight and encourage you. He can show you freedom, things you were missing, and guide you to be the unique person He made you. And often, in my husband, the things he says God has shown him, or even driven him to repentance about, show me God has a heart for me! He saw, He was there. He cares.

        So in the midst of a separation, get right down to business. Working on yourself! This also can provide a good dynamic shift in your relationship. In my case, he always worried about him, and I always worried about him! So we were on the same page! 🙂 Now, I’m talking about my own heart and my own growth, and he can talk about his, and we can practice trusting each other to care.

  6. I have been asking myself this question for the past three years after 45 years of marriage. This morning I decided instead of trudging through another weary day of trying to make things work I would pray and instead of asking for strength etc etc to endure another day I would just tell the Lord how I was feeling and lay it all down before him. Your blog popped up soon after that prayer this morning……I can answer in the positive with everything you say……it was an encouragement from God he is with me and going before me to prepare the way whatever that will be……..

    1. Angie,

      I’m so glad God used this to encourage you. How I pray for you to hear His voice clearly and to be able to walk in His Spirit’s power and in obedience. Praying for healing for you and your husband, my precious sister!

  7. Dear Broken
    My heart breaks for you……reading your story made me thinks of my daughter who at 16 years old ran away from home with a drug addict. Before she left she was rebelling and telling us that on her 16 th birthday she would run away. I did everything in my power prayed anointed the door handles with oil commanded evil to depart…..all to no avail. When she left I was devastated and asking just like you why….I could not see how good could possibly come from that………this story ended happily and brings God much glory. I am writing all my God incidences in my book …..Angel in the Pepper…….where hopefully when published will encourage everybody in hard places to keep on keeping on……….

    1. Praise God the story ended happily and brings God glory.
      I am hoping in all of the pain and heartache of my life that God will some how use it for His glory and honour too.

  8. April and other sisters,

    Please pray for me. The matter is not “should i stay with my husband or should I leave him”, but whether should I stay where he is, or should I go home.

    Presently, neither he nor I have a job… His country keeps spiralling deep into recession, and things seem to look darker by the month. We talked many times about it; he can’t leave his place for the time being, and I risk being fined If I stay unemployed (and I am looking for a job for 6 months already). Now he tells me that I can go home, but that will create problems as well: he will miss me, and I will miss him, plus other issues as well… Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I just pray and ask God to show the way out. Thanks!

    1. Anna,

      My precious sister! Such a difficult dilemma. 🙁 Let’s pray that God will provide and let’s ask Him for Him to provide a way for you both to grow in Christ, to bring glory to Him, to do His will, and that He might allow you to be together. He has a plan and He can show you both the way as you seek and trust Him.

      How is your time with Christ going, my friend?

      How are you and your husband getting along?

      How much longer does he have in school?

      1. On some days I panick, but I am learning that God is sovereign and He knows about our situation. On some days I feel a relief that if things go too bad, I can still leave this place 😀 On some days, I hope there should be some way out, so I have a mixture of emotions.
        I noticed that when I read encouraging verses in the Bible, it really helps me not to see this all as the end of the world. I try to read more of the Bible and pray.

        I have a warm relationship with my husband, recently he even cried because of this all (which surprised me as he doesn’t normally show it when he is worried); we do argue though occasionally especially on some bad days, but we reconcile quickly, thank God!

        I don’t like when I turn into panick-mode because I become such a terrible person, and once I am in it, it’s very difficult to switch off 🙁

        My husband has got 2 more years if nothing happens to his school (it also has some issues).

        1. Anna,

          Please accept my sympathy for your situation, and know I am praying for God to give you strength and wisdom. Like you, I find it hard sometimes to truly have faith that we will be fine when times are hard economically. When we first moved here, we had very little savings and work was almost non-existent, but we felt that God had directed us to come here. I thought I was doing well, but one morning I came downstairs and found a note posted on the refrigerator in my husband’s hand that read, “We will have what we need when we need it.” I was profoundly touched by his love, and realized that exercising faith is not passive but requires real effort and can be difficult, yet it is what pleases God, us relying on him and showing we trust him. Worrying about how we will make it is human but doesn’t demonstrate trust. Eventually everything worked out fine, but we lived on very little for a long time first. After I read that note, I felt the tension leave my body, because I knew it was the truth.

          I would urge you not to leave your husband. He will never forget your love for him, that you stayed with him even when you felt scared to the bone, through all the years to come. If you leave he loses the comfort of his closest and most beloved companion–and so do you! Apart you are weaker, together you can build each other up and remind each other to stay strong, as my husband reminded me. Much love to you, my sister!

          1. Dear Elizabeth!
            Thank you very much for encouragement 🙂 It’s just that our expenses now exceed our finances, and due to that I may even face problems with my husband’s country government because they recently introduced the unemployment tax (that whoever doesn’t work, has to pay that cynical tax…) and they can even imprison you if you don’t pay it. So, I am not in a hurry to leave, but I also don’t want things to get too bad… I hope they won’t… Thanks for prayers 🙂

  9. Thank you for your posts! Every one of them hits home and is divinely inspired!

    You asked for other questions to add to your list… as the wife of a long-term sex addict I have one that I ask myself weekly. It goes along with the ‘am I safe’ question.

    Is my addicted/abusive spouse working to overcome his problems, or is he indulging and going down the dark path? Is he showing regret for his choices?

    There are many slips and falls for an addict along the way, so sometimes the answer to that question isn’t positive, but as long as I can see the regret for his poor choices in his life then I’ve been willing to stay and work with him.

    1. Mindy,

      Oh goodness – I am so terribly sorry to hear about what a rough road you and your husband have had. Have you found any resources that are helpful for either of you? How can we pray for y’all?

      Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate your perspective very much. I’m glad that this post was a blessing.

  10. Broken

    I heard a story similar to yours a few years ago. The man had packed a bag and walked away from his pregnant wife and 5 young kids. I saw the ending of that story though as well…

    It was very very hard but the wife forgave her husband for his bad choice. The children were also taught to pity him and forgive. They had nightly family prayer where they would gather in a circle and pray for him. He bounced in and out of their life for years. This woman was currently preparing for her last child’s graduation from high school. Her other children had served religious missions, entered college and found good strong spouses and great jobs. Grand children had started to show up. She was enjoying the fruits of many dark years of self sacrifice and humility.

    It was pointed out that it was because this woman was able to let go of her husband, send him to god for judgement and teaching, and do what she needed to do heal and help her children feel safe, loved, and needed that her family had been so blessed. Had she harbored hate and animosity or shut down her kids would have suffered well into the next generation. Her husband on the other hand never remarried, was in and out of jobs and was a miserable individual for the rest of his life.

    My only advice to you is to let him go and stop dragging him along with you… you have so much to do alone right now that you need all of your energy for that. Hand this miserable man over to God and turn to God yourself for strength to keep moving forward for your kids. If he ever wakes up he can catch up to you and his kids if he so chooses. Your rewards are coming!

    1. Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate it so much.
      Letting go is the hard part. The betrayal.. but I am in a better place now than I was 10 months ago. I have handed him over to God but then something like last night happens and I’m hurting all over again… I was raking my oldest daughter to youth group and we drove past my husband and his girlfriend at a restaurant having dinner together.
      Here I am being the responsible parent and there he is with another mans wife being Mr Casanova.
      Pray for my heart, i am still angry and do not want to become full of bitterness or hard hearted.
      Come LORD Jesus.

  11. I can relate to this post about whether to stay in a marriage or go.

    I am at a point in my marriage where I am thinking about leaving. This is the most stressed out that I have ever been in our 7 year marriage. I am trying to get a much closer relationship with God and allow him to work in this relationship but it is so hard sometimes when EVERYTHING for the most part in 7 years have gone wrong. I am really at the point where I feel like I am no longer in love with him.

    My husband is a pathological liar. He lies about everything and I have noticed that it started from the day we said I do. A week after our wedding I found out that the man that married us wasn’t a man of God and he wasn’t even authorized to preform a marriage ceremony. Can you imagine how that felt to know that my husband knew about this the whole time. He got someone else to sign our license. My husband lies about money, where he is, what he is doing and he just cant be trusted.

    I am not physically well as I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and he puts a lot on me……financially and emotionally. I have helped him get on his feet financially because he works but I don’t have a clue where his money goes and I pay whatever he is “unable” to pay because he claims that he doesn’t make enough. I am not working at the moment because I am out on disability and he takes advantage of that. I know I have my own faults and I have been working on it but this is not a good situation for me and my children.

    I can’t have him be a leader and he cant be trusted with anything. He is very manipulative and his priorities are all backwards. I prayed day in and day out that God will show him the error in his ways but I have been praying for 7 years. If it has gotten to the point where you are about to get kicked out of your home because your husband is being irresponsible with taking care of things then in my mind it is time to leave. I feel like I am being abused emotionally and it is not far. What is the point of being in a marriage if the person you are with doesn’t desire you, love you, will protect you, ect? We argue all the time and what I say goes through one ear and out the other. I cant take this anymore.

    1. ImBlessed2014,
      Goodness, what a mess. Did you see the lying before you got married? Does he claim to be a believer in Christ?

      I assume you have confronted him multiple times but he has not repented?

      Have you gone to godly counsel? This is a situation where I believe a wife would need to involve outside help.

      I can understand that separation may be necessary in such a case. I pray for God to give you His wisdom and how I pray for healing for you both! Thank you for sharing.

    2. I highly recommend you read the book:

      “Breaking Passive-Agressive Cycles, The Silent Cry of Christian Women” by Dee Brown

      buy it on line asap. I believe it will open your eyes, bless you in your walk with God and in your marriage especially!
      Take care – you are NOT alone, many Christian wives are where you are!

      Take care and know God will lead you through this storm and safe to shore as you trust in Him.

  12. as wifes take time to seek God in this matter the need to ask if the have forgiven and understand that forgiveness is the bedrock of any relatioship as demonstrated by jesus himself -may God help us

    1. Trudy,

      Yes, unforgiveness is so toxic. I held on to that for many years earlier in our marriage – and what destruction it caused in my soul and in our marriage.

      Thank you for the reminder!

  13. Thanks Sister April for sharing your biblical view on such a very difficult topic both on your YouTube and on you blog page, now God has permitted me to experience a walk away wife. We were the ideal active couple both at church and with our community; every morning when we woke up we would hold hands and praying together even when I was running late to work. One year things just got rough for us when we lost our business, my head was then focus on simply making ends meet for the family, my beautiful bride started spend time connecting with old friends on face book, then started to exclude me out of things from hang out with friends that I never met, opening a different bank account, then began the blaming game, I was no longer the apple of her eyes to my bride, now everything I did was not good enough. This really confuse me because I know that am not a perfect husband, I have made my share of mistake yet in the other hand I don’t smoke, or drink, nor used drugs, I don’t gamble, or I am involved in any criminal activity or have any mental illness, I never cheated (because I don’t believe in sex out of marriage) I never hit or even yell at her. Pastors and as well as other sisters from the church try to speak to her but she received it as a attack against her, and yet she pack up most of things and move into her sister house, and that was the last I seen or heard of her and also from her side of family.
    So, what have I learned from this experiences beside the obvious that a marriage will fail when you take your eyes off of Jesus, 1) God is in control and would not allow things to happen without his permission 2) forgiveness, how many times God has forgive us when walk away from him, so in same way I too forgive her and continue to pray over her -Matthew 6:12.. 3) Trusting in God – A. Romans 8:28 “we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” B. 1 Cor.7:10-11 “But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the LORD, that the wife should not leave her husband. (BUT if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the HUSBAND SHOULD NOT DIVORCE HIS WIFE. God ways are never easy but if you obey his word, regardless of what the other party does, God will workout his will, his purpose, and his glory with each believer life.

  14. Hi April,

    It has been a while since I have been on. I am no longer a wife so I will be moving to the Peaceful Single Girl Blog.

    My husband had been doing many things wrong for a long time. I didn’t talk about it here because I was trying to work on me. He left a few months ago.

    God has taken me on a such an awesome journey the last 3 months. I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life. I went from a place of complete brokenness to complete joy. I saw my sin in not trusting God for the first time. I learned to completely trust Him and not to take a step without Him guiding.

    Because of the Peacefulwife Blog, I have the knowledge and tools to be a wife who is precious in God’s sight and I am forever grateful for you letting God use you in this way.

    My advice to others reading this post. Trust God. Keep working at being a Godly wife. Don’t give up on your marriage. Separate if you are in danger. Wait for God to release you if that is His will. What he may teach you in the storm could be priceless!

    1. Daisymae,

      Oh goodness! I am so very sorry to hear about what you have been through. And I am really sad that you didn’t mention anything that your husband was doing – because I don’t know how helpful any of my words could be if I don’t know the real situation going on with a couple. I can’t stand the thought that you might not have been safe!!! 🙁

      But – I praise God for what He is doing in your life, my precious sister! I am SO thankful to hear from you and to hear about your walk with Christ.

      I am always glad to hear from you any time!

      How can we pray for you?

      Much love to you!

      I will pray for your ex husband, as well.

      1. Thank you for your kind words, April! I was safe. It was not things like that. I suspected a lot but had no proof at all. I just tried to trust and not question. When large amounts of money disappear, I began to question. He was in another relationship within weeks of leaving….may have been before, I don’t know for sure. Please do pray for him. He just recently lost the relationship, had a bad accident and was injured and says he is broke. When I found out all that, it was hard for me not to run to his side but God says no. I know that a God needs to work in his life right now and I can’t rescue him again. Pray for me that I will continue to listen to God and obey Him and most of all wait on Him to show me the path I am to take.

        1. Daisymae,

          Perhaps God will use these things to bring your husband to his knees in true repentance to God. That is my prayer! Interfering with God’s discipline of him right now would not be helpful, it seems to me. I am glad you are listening and pray you will continue to be sensitive to every prompting and direction of God’s Spirit. He knows exactly what to do and what He desires you to do.

          I am so sorry for your pain. Sin just grieves my heart. It causes so much destruction.

          I am thankful God knows how to make something beautiful from this.

          Much love to you!
          April

        2. Daisymae wow… Your comments have inspired me. PLEASE keep us posted. You sound well grounded on the ROCK – GOD BLESS YOU! The LORD has taughtvme that I have not conducted myself in a way that is pleasing or honorable to my Father in Heaven… Since my husband walked out 10 months ago.
          I am only just coming to SEE and understand the my Father is the KING OF KINGS and the LORD OF LORDS and that I am His daughter… Therefore shall conduct myself in word and deed that is pleasing to HIM.
          HOW PRECIOUS WE ARE TO HIM!!

          I am praying for you daughter of the Most High!

          1. broken,

            How I LOVE what God is doing in your heart! Praying for His greatest glory, my dear sister! In your life, your husband’s life and your marriage. Most of all I pray you will continue to cling to Him!

  15. Thank you for your inspiring words.. God has blessed you indeed with such beautiful heart to encourage people.

    I am have been in a relationship with my Fiance for almost a year. He is very loving and cares for me passionately. The only issue we have is his ignoring attitude which he does for no reason at all and usually comes back once I give him the space he needs. However, I find this very painful and its makes me emotionally stress and I feel he’s a bit self centered as he does not put my feelings into consideration… It goes on for more than a week, I have been patient with him but I dont know how long I can hold on because am beginning to loose interest in the courtship

    1. TJayne,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂 I’m glad that this has been an encouragement.

      If you are willing, perhaps you can give me a bit more information so I can see what is going on?

      1. Is there a trigger before he goes quiet for a week? What kinds of things have happened right before that?

      2. Is it possible that he may be feeling disrespected by you? (Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected, Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them)

      3. How is your walk with Christ going?

      4. Do you expect your fiance to be responsible for your contentment and happiness? Do you tend to look to him to meet all of your needs and get upset if he doesn’t do everything you want him to do?

      5. How do his parents handle conflict?

      6. How do your parents handle conflict?

      7. What is his relationship like with Christ as far as you can tell?

      Much love to you! I’d be glad to hash through some of these things with you and do my best to point you to Christ.

      🙂

    2. TJayne,
      Is it just that he needs space to process? Are you sure it is “for no reason at all” or is he feeling smothered?

      Please check out the following posts and let me know what God speaks to your heart. How is your relationship with Christ going? What do you pray for? What do you believe you need to be happy in this life? What are your greatest fears?

      needy and clingy
      husbands share what is disrespectful to them
      godly femininity
      what does it mean to be an ungodly woman
      space

      A fantastic resource:

      For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

  16. Thank you for your response.

    Well, he is easily angered at the very little things but he comes up with ‘I am very busy’ most times and then I try to give him space. I try to talk to him about his ‘ignoring attitude’ but he simply ignores my text messages, sms or even return my calls. He feels he needs his space most times that’s the conclusion and he could go as long as a month and comes back to me when he wants to.

    He is not responsible for my happiness but I just find it disrespectful and self centered like he is trying to control me and that is very selfish.

    We are both Christians and are in the same church… we have had counseling and pray together most times but I just wonder what triggers such attitude from him. The last fiance he had died in a ghastly motor accident with their child and I feel he may be a bit scared or has a particular phobia.

    He was raised by a single parent and has had to deal with a dead father and his twin brother as well… His mom is a very sweet and patience woman.

    I just want to be patient with him but have no clue how long…

    Thank you for your time. #hugs

    1. TJayne,

      Goodness, this man has been through a LOT! I would imagine he has some deep scars because of the loss he experienced as a child and because of his finance’s death.

      How does he react to conflict?

      What kind of personality do you have? Really quiet or timid – or driven, Type A, outgoing, outspoken, etc…?

      How do you respond when he ignores you? How many texts do you send? Do you raise your voice? What do you say to him?

      Much love to you!

      1. Thank you for your swift response.

        I know he has been through a lot that’s why I have been very patient.

        I am a very calm person and barely react to issues except they get to the extreme. We have very good communication but can also keep to himself. He’s a very reserved person but keeps to himself when he’s angry and he comes around after he’s calm.

        We talk about issues and resolve them mutually and I know this wil also be resolved. I just feel it might continue. Prayed about it and seen different signs that he will always be with me no matter what but I just get a bit scared about it.

        Whenever he gets in this mood, I usually try not to stress it but I pray about it… I just try to call him and if he does not pick or reply my SMS, I just let him and he always comes around. It’s just saddens my heart and am beginning to wonder how long he would continue but I still believe it will get better.. Just need a friend I could talk to. Thank you for been that friend I could pour my heart to.

        1. TJayne,

          Some men process their emotions and feelings by themselves by “going into their cave.” My husband does this and so do a lot of other men who have commented here. A week is a long time to go without talking for a woman – I can definitely understand why that would be painful.

          Did y’all talk about this in counseling together?

          I do think that if this is how he handles stressful times, it is probably how he will handle stress after you are married, too. I would not expect it to change. Hopefully it won’t be a week at a time. But I don’t know.

          I don’t think this necessarily means he doesn’t love you or that he isn’t the right guy for you. But I do think this will require great patience and understanding on your part. I believe if you study this issue, you may be able to understand him better and be able to seek ways to bless him and to be content even when he is having problems. I would not expect this response to stress to suddenly go away when you get married.

          Are you able to talk through difficult issues? Do you share concerns, ideas, and feelings with him? Do you feel that he hears you and cares about your ideas?

          I do hope you’ll check out some of those posts and let me know what you think!
          Much love to you! You are welcome to share any time. Let’s walk this road together. 🙂

          1. Thank you for your responses.

            I think am a bit emotionally tortoured here… Just trying to be patience.

            Much love

  17. I’m sure King David’s wives didn’t live with him, sometimes it seems like it would be nice to continue a marriage living in houses side by side to give some space. Then it would be special to see each other.

    I know that wasn’t the kind of separation you were talking about, but a space of my own would be so much more tolerable than living every day in an unfullfilling relationship and knowing it could be so nice, and it doesn’t happen.

    1. Jessi,

      “Familiarity breeds contempt.” I could see how it might be easier to be respectful and loving if there was a bit more space sometimes.

      Would you like to talk a bit about how you are doing in your marriage? And maybe how your walk with Christ is going?

      Much love to you!

      1. Thanks, April. I am beyond trying to talk about it. I just have to trust and ‘ride it out’. God hasn’t changed or left me so it doesn’t really matter how crazy I am I guess ( I say that a little jokingly). Thanks for the offer.

  18. I really am very deeply disturbed and heart broken at the teachings that a divorced spouse who was cheated on is never allowed to remarry.
    I personally know a few women who had their husbands molest /rape their own biological children.
    Understandably the wives left, divorced these men and worked desperately hard to protect their children from further abuse.
    Some remarried men who are faithful.
    As Matthew 19 & 5 says Jesus made the exception for divorce and remarriage for fornication/adultery as the only exception to allow divorce and remarriage.
    When Jesus spoke with the woman at the well He acknowledged that she had had FIVE husbands, not five adulterous relationships.
    I really believe that Jesus meant what He said, otherwise He would not have said exactly that, and He also said He only said what He saw the Father saying and how He told him to say it.
    People also seem to forget that in Jewish law if the adulterer was found out, they were stoned to death. Thus the spouse was instantly free to remarry. But now they would rather punish the innocent spouse along with the adulterous one with threats of hell if they were to remarry while the adulterous spouse remains alive.

    I believe telling a woman with a husband who has molested their child that they are not free to remarry is wicked. Not to mention when one spouse sleeps with various people and either does pass on an STD or is at risk of passing one on to their spouse through their infidelity.

    I really believe more teaching on these areas are required due to the high numbers of people dealing with these kinds of horrible issues.

    If I had a father who raped me and my mother STAYED married to him (even if separated), I would take that as a deeper betrayal than the abuse itself.

    Of course, when there has been adultery, God can restore and I have seen that occur. With beautiful beautiful results and salvation following. This is the best possible outcome for all involved.

    1. ReadtheWord,

      Obviously, a wife in such a situation would have to leave – and divorce may be necessary. 🙁 So heartbreaking!!!!

      I encourage people to read and study Scripture for themselves about divorce and remarriage. I personally have a lot more questions about many topics regarding remarriage and I don’t believe I am remotely qualified to dictate to people what they can or cannot do regarding remarriage if I am unclear on it.

      Yes, Matthew 18 does talk about an exception for divorce. There is debate about what “sexual immorality” may mean. And yes, Jesus acknowledged the husbands the woman at the well had, and there was no specific recommendation or command on His part about what she should do from that point on that is recorded in Scripture. Go back to husband one? Husband four? Marry the guy she was living with?

      Yes, there was capitol punishment for adulterers in Old Testament times – which did allow the innocent spouse to remarry.

      I know some believe that remarriage is NEVER biblical – although, it seems to me that there may be room and grace for that in Jesus’ words for a few specific situations. It also seems to me that if remarriage were always a sin, there would be instructions about not allowing remarried people into the church in the New Testament – and that there would have been church discipline about this. I don’t see were there were documented cases of such church discipline. But then, it also seems to me that if remarriage was a pretty normal thing, there would be instructions about step-relationships and co-parenting kinds of things. And there really aren’t any instructions like this that I can find.

      I know that there are a variety of views held by different believers on divorce and remarriage. It is a serious topic. There are obviously times when divorce and/or remarriage would be sinful. But I don’t think I can say, “there are no exceptions.” It does seem that Jesus allowed for some exceptions to divorce – and possibly for remarriage.

      There are too many horrible situations today – that is for sure. 🙁 Sadly.

      How I long for us all to experience the healing that is available to each of us and our families in Christ. I pray for His wisdom for each one in each situation – that each of us might be faithful in His sight. That is what matters most. I long for us to give grace where Jesus gives grace and to hold to His principles where He clearly defines His principles.

      Much love!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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