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“My Husband Referred Me to Your Site – What a Jerk!”

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This is a story I hear pretty frequently – so often that I can’t count how many times it has happened. Some wives are open to suggestions from their husbands, and others… well, not so much.

A situation like this puts me in a very awkward position – smack dab in the middle of marital tension between a husband and wife. Not a fun place to be. I understand why a wife might feel criticized and upset if her husband sends a link to my blog. I also understand why she might not be interested in anything I have to say, at first. But…

How I pray each wife might stick around long enough to really begin to allow God to speak to her soul. The things I share here really aren’t about your husband as much as they are about your walk with Christ Jesus.

YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE A SELFISH, UNGODLY, EVIL MAN

That is possible. I know that there are a few truly abusive* men who try to twist my words – and God’s Word – and force their wives into slavery (rather than allowing their wives to voluntarily choose biblical submission out of reverence for Christ). That upsets me more than I can possibly say.

God gives us all free will. None of us has the right to override another adult’s free will. God doesn’t override our ability to choose to obey Him or not. It is certainly not any human’s place to try to force someone into obeying God or to act like a slave. The commands God gives husbands and wives are individual commands to each spouse. They are not commands for husbands to enforce a wife’s obedience to God or for wives to enforce a husband’s obedience to God (Eph. 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7, Titus 2:3-5).

Even if your husband is the most awful man on earth, perhaps God might desire to use some of the posts here to bless you – especially about your walk with Christ.

No matter what kind of man your husband is, God calls you – my precious sister – to be a holy, godly, Spirit-filled Christ-following woman. And no matter what kind of wife you are, God calls your husband to be a holy, godly, Spirit-filled, Christ-following man. We will each answer to Him individually for how we treated our spouses when this life is over.

God measures how we treat other people as if that is how we treat Him (Matt. 25:40). The way I treat my husband is about my character and my relationship to Christ (the same is true for how husbands treat their wives). It really isn’t about my husband at all. It is about whether God’s Spirit is in control of my life, or my sinful flesh is in control (Galatians 5)

That doesn’t mean you have to take abuse. And maybe not all of my posts about marriage will be helpful if you have serious issues* in your marriage because of my slant (I was a controlling wife with a passive husband). God’s Word applies to us all and He can make something beautiful out of your life as seek to trust and obey Him wholeheartedly (Romans 8:28-29)- even if separation may be necessary, at least for a time.

COULD THERE BE A POSSIBILITY THAT MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT REALLY A JERK?

Maybe he has some legitimate concerns or ideas to share with you that might bless you and your marriage? I have communicated with a large number of husbands here who see the healing that is possible for women, men, marriages, and families who truly do love their wives and want what is best for them and long to share this information out of good intentions and loving hearts. A lot of them are very hesitant to share what they read here with their wives because they are afraid their wives won’t receive this information well from them. These husbands are in a bit of a lose/lose situation.

1. Don’t share God’s Word and truth with their wives and continue to get the same results and no healing in their marriages.

2. Do share God’s design and risk offending their wives.

  • Perhaps he is attempting to hand you a treasure from God and open a door to healing for you, for himself, for your marriage, and your children.

Could it be possible that God prompted your husband to send you here because God wants you to be here? Maybe God is leading you here through your husband. God desires to set you free from bondage to fear, worry, anxiety, and pain as you fully submit all that you have and all that you are to Him. Christ intends to bring great peace, joy, and contentment into your life – perhaps through this very site as He has done for hundreds of other women around the world.

Greg never confronted me about my sin for the first 14.5 years of our marriage. How I wish he had!! We both could have been spared so much pain and and experienced great blessings if I had seen my issues and repented sooner. He was able to see my blind spots that I could not see.

I hope you won’t allow the fact that your husband referred you here to cause you to reject the priceless and precious gifts God has in store for you. Maybe one day, you will thank him.

I pray that each of you might hear God’s voice clearly, find spiritual healing through Jesus, be filled with the Holy Spirit, discover God’s design for you as a woman, and walk in obedience to Him.

When you are right with God and His Spirit is in charge instead of self, He can give you the power to be the woman, wife, and mother He calls you to be. He can enable you to be the woman you have always desired to be. He can give you victory over your fears, over worry, over discouragement, over discontentment, over depression, and over sin!!! 

SHARE:

If your husband shared my blog with you – I’d love to hear your story – whether it is positive or negative. I’d like to learn how I can most bless all wives.

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(*I actually don’t write for women in abusive situations because some of them tend to have filters that cause them to misinterpret and misunderstand what I write in dangerous ways. Wives whose husbands are abusive, involved in unrepentant infidelity, suffering from uncontrolled mental illness, or who are actively involved in drug/alcohol addictions are probably going to need very specialized one-on-one, godly, experienced counsel. I never condone abuse!! My posts about marriage are not geared toward these severe issues. The posts about our relationship with Christ may be helpful for women in these situations, but my posts about marriage issues may not be from the right slant for women with major problems in their marriages. Some things to remember about God’s design where the husband loves and leads selflessly and the wife honors and respect her husband – husbands are never the ultimate authority. Husbands are not always rightGod does not condone abuse of authority or sin against anyone. There are times when separation can be very necessary.)

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RELATED:

Your Blog Made Me SO Angry!”

Why Do I Have to Change First?

Submission (to Christ as Lord) Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely

Responding to Our Husbands’ Constructive Criticisms 

Confronting Our Husbands’ about Their Sin

Husbands Are Never the Absolute Authority

My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect – VIDEO

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected and Unloved Spiritual Authority – God’s Design in families, the church, and government to protect, provide for, and care for His people

Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them

What Is Respect in Marriage?

Why Don’t I Address Women with Abusive Husbands?

Do I Condone Abuse?

RESOURCES ABOUT HOW HUSBANDS CAN HAVE GODLY LEADERSHIP and HOW WIVES CAN BE GODLY WIVES:

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – edited by Wayne Grudem and John Piper FREE DOWNLOAD!

Love and Respect – by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

For Women Only – by Shunti Feldhahn

For Men Only – by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn

99 thoughts on ““My Husband Referred Me to Your Site – What a Jerk!”

  1. April, Great post! So thankful for these truths and your ministry! You have once again done a wonderful job admonishing and encouraging others with these life-changing Biblical principles 🙂 thank you!!!!!

  2. I believe godly husbands should absolutely tell their wives that they are supposed to be submissive and to ask them to read your blog since they are the “head of the wife.” Even if she doesn’t respond, he is responsible to confront her in her sin, just as a wife should confront her husband in his sin. Yes, do it in love but I’ve heard so many pastors teach that husbands should NOT tell their wives that they are to be submissive and I disagree with this since God has ordained the husband as the head and leader of his wife and family. The wives will never find out all the incredible benefits that you mention of doing things God’s ways if the husband never confronts his wife.

    1. Lori,
      Greg never confronted me, and how I wish he had! Instead, he let me go on, making both of us miserable for over 14 years. That was not a gift to anyone.

      Husbands and wives need to have the freedom to confront sin in marriage and to share the truth of God. And God does give husbands the position of leadership and accountability in marriage, so our husbands have extra responsibility before God to lead us in His truth. They are responsible to lead in godly ways. We are responsible for how we respond.

      I am thankful that many husbands have been willing to share with their wives. I have seen God heal marriages because of men having courage. Ideally, both husband and wife would be seeking God with all their hearts and seeking to obey God individually. But even when just one spouse submits fully to Christ, there is great power from heaven to begin healing in that marriage and family.

      Thank you for sharing!

      1. Many Blessings Woman of God! You are truely a huge blessing! What you are doing is what I desire to do as well; reaching out to others and pointing them to Christ. Your blog does exactly that, it doesn’t teach us to bash our husband’s but to love and respect them. If we allow our pride to get in the way of the big picture we lose!

        Our relationship with our spouse reflects our relationship with the Lord. I always tell myself, when my husband is unloving in his response or actions that, I want to respect the Lord. I will be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to wrath in order that the Lord is glorified. Leave NO room for pride, because it comes before a fall. Therefore I must kill pride in order for Humility to live.

        I too have been on this journey of perfecting my relationship with Christ, and in order to do that I must submit myself to my husband as the word God say’s. Let us not get it twisted and think that we are doormats (as you have said April) but when we go before the Lord we will be judged for our actions and the very words that has been spoken out loud and in our heart.

        April, I pray the Lord will richly, abundantly bless you in all areas of your life that you will not have room enough to recieve, I speak life upon all that you do, and may you continue to prosper as you soul does.

        Much Love, your sister in Christ
        Joy Lester

    2. According to a lot of these and similar websites, the wife is never permitted to confront the husband with his sin. We are very strictly admonished to “win without a word” and told that we are not allowed to mention a thing to him unless we have a contingency of people to accompany us; that only another man may confront him. At least this is what I have gleaned from the many blogs, even including your own at Always Learning. It does put one in a bit of an untenable situation.

      1. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

        Oh goodness, no! God never says that wives cannot respectfully confront their husbands or that they must follow them into sin.

        I have a post about confronting our husbands. The link is on this post, actually.

        Matthew 18 doesn’t say for wives to confront with a bunch of people with them. The instructions for all beleivers when they are sinned against are to confront the offender in private first. If that person doesn’t’ repent, then we may need to involve one or two other believers if there is serious sin going on.

        I wonder how I can make this message more clear. It seems that so many women mishear this and that concerns me greatly.

      2. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

        Can you point out one post where I wrote, “We are very strictly admonished to ‘win without a word’ and told that we are not allowed to mention a thing to him unless we have a contingency of people to accompany us; that only another man may confront him?” I have always taught that a wife should speak in a respectful way to her husband about his sin and then leave the convicting and changing in God’s hands as she lives a godly life in front of him. I have NEVER taught what you have accused me of teaching but I do believe the power of a transformed life is a wife’s greatest weapon in her spiritual battle to win a disobedient husband!

        1. I don’t mean to accuse per se, I was simply pointing out what seems to be the prevailing message. From my own experience, it seems that no matter what method one employs to point out a sinful behavior to men, it just doesn’t work. I didn’t mean to imply “accuse” because that is an overly harsh word, and I apologize for coming across in that manner, because that was not my intent. And no, I agree that you certainly did not use those words. Those were my words.

          By the contingency of people, I am referring to the various steps pointed out in how to confront a sinner as found in Matthew. It seems that a woman trying to confront a man is faced with an untenable situation. We basically seem to have two choices: either put up with it and seek the lesson that can be learned and the fruit we can reap from the situation, or confront it and thereby invite discord. This is merely my experience, others may have different experiences, but it seems like choice #1 is the only possible Biblical solution (i.e., win him without a word [maybe]).

          1. You singled out my blog so this is why I took what you wrote as something I had written. All of the women who’ve come to me for mentoring have made it VERY clear to their husband many times what they didn’t like about them, therefore, I encourage them to now go about winning them without a word. I’ve actually never met a woman who has never pointed out their husband’s sin to him at least once. I can’t imagine never saying anything to the man who you are one flesh to me, but I do make it clear to women to point out their husband’s sin at least once in case there is a very rare woman out there who has never let her husband know his sin.

          2. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

            A wife may do everything “right” and approach her husband about his sin in a biblical way, but that doesn’t mean he will repent and turn from his sin. That is his decision to make. But even if a husband doesn’t turn from his sin, a wife is accountable for what she does and how she confronts him. She is not responsible for the results.

            An unrepentant man who doesn’t know God or is very far from God might not relent and might continue on in sin. If the sin is severe enough, a godly wife may have to separate, if that is what God shows her to do. She can pray for God to open his eyes. But she cannot open his eyes or convict him. Only God can wake him up and change his heart.

            Does that make sense?

          3. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

            I’m so sorry that things are very difficult. Praying for God’s wisdom for you and His intervention in your marriage.

          4. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

            I wanted you to know that I accept your apology and that I was not offended at your words. I just wanted to make clear to anyone who read your words that they were not true with what I teach. Thank you for your apology!

        2. Lori Alexander,

          This is exactly what I try to teach, as well. I cannot think of any post where I suggest women should say nothing about sin ever, or should take abuse, or should not contribute to decisions.

          I have so very many posts where I teach against these things.

          I am rather confounded about why women would take my words this way and how I might prevent this terrible misunderstanding as much as possible on my end.

          1. April,

            You make it SO very clear that I can’t imagine women believe you teach anything different. However, I have noticed that some women can read something and take it completely out of context or misinterpret it due to reading and understanding through the lens of their own experience. All we are called to do is to teach the Truth as best as we can and let the seeds fall where they may. We can’t prevent every women from twisting our words or misunderstanding them when I know we both try to teach Scripture as clearly as possible. You are a wise and godly teacher, April, and I am sure your readers know how tender your heart is towards them. May God continue to bless your ministry!

      3. Homeschool Catholic Mom,

        Here is a post I wrote a year and a half ago about this very topic ~
        http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/10/what-to-do-in-cases-of-abuse-or.html

        “When I teach women to win their husbands without a word as the Bible commands, I am not saying to not confront them with their sin or that a woman should take abuse. There are many women who don’t even believe I should be teaching that a wife should be submissive to her husband for fear of abuse by the husband or they want me to change the word submission to a more palatable word.”

  3. Hi April, what you do with your site is a God send. I spoke with you almost two years ago trying to save my marriage. Well I have to tell you that through intense therapy I learned I was unequally yoked to a narcissistic, emotionally abusive man. He really had me convinced all was my fault and I was crazy. Though I was unable to save the marriage thank you for your advice and guidance. I was able to see my part and change it and at least I will have the tools I need for my next relationship. Thanks again and God bless

    1. Becky,

      Thank you for sharing! It is so good to hear from you. 🙂

      There are very few situations where one spouse is totally at fault for problems in a marriage. If a husband is trying to blame everything on a wife and never takes any responsibility for his own sin, that can be a red flag. We all have areas that need improving. Thankfully, Jesus can empower us and change us in ways we cannot change ourselves.

      I am so sorry that the marriage was not able to be saved. That breaks my heart!

      But I am thankful that you are seeking to obey God and that you deaire to be the woman He calls you to be. I am thankful your walk with Christ was strengthened. That is the most important thing of all.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you and your husband.

  4. Hi Ladies,

    April does a fantastic job here, and I directed my wife to her blog. Unfortunately she has resisted and is currently content in her current state.

    I am not here to lecture or make anyone feel bad, but if your husband had the same motivations I did in directing my wife here, he did it because he loves you and wants you to be a happier, more content, sweet, kind, Christ-like version of yourself.

    It’s most likely that he doesn’t have the verbal muscles to be your girlfriend. Or it’s possible that there’s so much conflict and baggage in the relationship that any discussion will quickly spiral into conflict, further pushing the two of you apart.

    All I’m trying to do is affirm that idea that your man (likely) has good motives and sent you here as an act of love rather than a way to tear you down.

  5. April,

    When you said that you wish your husband would have told you what was happening in the first 14.5 years of your marriage, it really touched me becuase that is how I feel. My husband is passive aggressive and has other issues due to his military career and never said anything. Now he is gone and I have been wishing I would have known what I know now so long ago. Continuing to pray that God works on us during this separation and brings us back together as a godly couple. I have grown so much in Christ and continue to grow that this trial is truly a blessing. Please pray for me, I have my good days and bad days while I wait on God to guide me.

    1. Wifeinneed,

      I was in total shock when I read Love and Respet by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and realized I had been disrespectful and so prideful all those years and that Greg had said nothing. Not one word. I thought I was the only one hurting in the marriage. I thought he would tell me if I did something that hurt him. But he never did. I was absolutely mortified to think I had been wounding him unknowingly for a decade and a half. I wish he had told me every time I sinned against him. I never wanted to hurt him. I loved him with all my heart and I still do! I wish I had had the chance to make things right much sooner.

      I wish your husband had said something, too, my precious sister. I praise God for what He is doing in your heart. I pray that He might direct your every step for His glory and that He might make this mess into a beautiful thing for His kingdom. I pray He will draw your husband to Himself, also.

      Sending you the biggest hug! Thank you so much for sharing!

      1. April,
        I found out on Friday that my husband started attending a church. I have been praying that God guide him in this journey and places people in his life that will speak the truth of the fathers word and I see God working in him too. I am so blessed because I know my husband is hungry for the father and is being worked on like I am being worked on too. Praise the lord!

          1. So am I! 🙂 God bless you all as you seek to serve the Lord in the fullest capacity possible. 🙂

          2. Thank you,
            Need all the prayers I can get. He is being attacked by the enemy and doesn’t have the discernment to realize it.

  6. I honestly wonder if my husband would have been able to explain in a way that I understood, how my behavior and attitudes were wrong. I sort of think I was so arrogant (and blind to that fact) that it would have made no sense, spoken from his point of view. Sad amd humbling to realize.

    I think it took God’s preparing my heart to finally see.

    I often think in wonder about God’s timing, as the years our marriage was so painful and I was pleading with God for help. I will say that it instills deep gratitude for His grace on us.

    1. I think my husband had no idea the term “respect” was not even in my vocabulary, not in terms of it relating to a husband. So he probably felt he did point out some of my problem areas, but it was said in a foreign language to me and sailed right over my head.

    2. Julie, I understand what you are saying! I do not know that I would have listened either because I was so blind in my sin! However, a friend asked me to go on a journey with her to remove pride from our lives. We both started praying and asking the Lord to show us any prideful areas we were blind to. The next argument my husband and I had, I was sitting on the couch crying out to God for help….He spoke one word to me clear as day. He said, “helpmeet.” I was shocked! I literally ran to my computer and started reading whatever I could. I bought books I saw on line and started reading those too. After repenting to God and my husband, I found April’s blog. I am continuing to learn and grow and be blessed in an amazingly wonderful marriage right now 🙂 I am so thankful for being led to repentance and having my marriage restored! Praying for everyone here knowing what God can do!

      1. (For me, I know I needed the Lord to speak to me and open my eyes….I don’t think I would have received it from any human being. I needed illumination and conviction from the Lord.) I do believe the
        Lord is speaking to wives through the truth April is sharing on this blog!

      2. Amen! I feel the same way… I’m not sure I would have reacted appropriately had my husband told me each time I hurt him… although he was definitely more vocal than it seems the others were. He would tell me when he felt disrespected (without using that terminology). It was usually along the lines of, “I can’t say anything to you,” “I can’t do anything right,” “Why does their opinion matter more than my opinion? I’m your husband.”

        I do remember reading a book not long after we got married (“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Laura Schlessinger)… I didn’t remember until I started reading Love and Respect (and going on April’s blog). I thought it was a fantastic book, but I’m really forgetful and couldn’t find it. Turns out, Cam said that I told him at one point during the book, “I had to stop reading it. It was making me mad. It’s all about doing stuff for my husband!”

        How PITIFUL is that??? I straight-up told my husband that I didn’t like reading about doing things for him! I can’t imagine how that made him feel: I don’t even wanna THINK about how I would have reacted if he were reading a book about loving his wife and then decided to stop reading because it was all about doing things for me!!! 😮

        SO grateful that the Lord opened up my eyes to my disrespect. I really do feel a lot more peaceful now… far less stressed than I used to be. I’m able to see the positive more than the negative, and when I do see negative, I’m able to bring it before the Lord (and sometimes ask his wonderful momma for advice as well, because she’s not really biased about it and continually gives me scripture). I ask you (April) for help at times as well, for the same reason. 🙂

        Please pray for my momma though… there have been some really tough times in their marriage, and as soon as she found out there had been a level of unfaithfulness (kissing another woman), she began to drink heavily and became very disrespectful. Through trusting the Lord (and getting a DUI, which I believe was definitely the Lord as well), she’s dealt with the alcohol problem. She doesn’t cuss out my dad anymore or scream at him, but I still see quite a bit of disrespect. I tried to (gently) let her know what I’d learned about Love and Respect, and invited her to read it with me, and though she seemed receptive at the time, she later told me she was very conflicted and upset all night and basically alluded to the idea that my suggestion to her was of the enemy, not of the Lord. She basically said she was tormented all night about it. 🙁 I was very upset to hear that… and then she began to imply that I shouldn’t be teaching about Love and Respect to my sister-in-law either, because she’s had some serious marital problems that I have never had. Sort of like, “You’ve never had such a severe marriage problem, you don’t understand, so you can’t help me because you don’t qualify.” It was very discouraging at the time (especially that she implied the enemy was using my loving suggestion to torment her all night long). I dropped the subject because it was very clear she was NOT receptive to the message, after all.

        However, since then, I still see so much disrespect, and it breaks my heart. Also, the other things I hadn’t even thought about when I set out on my Love & Respect journey (like lower stress levels, less anxiety, more peace and joy and positivity) are all things I wish for her. I remember trying to deal with those things on my own… I would even pray, “Lord, help me deal with my stress better… let me be more peaceful!” but it wasn’t until I started to OBEY the principles of respecting my husband and treating him as I would like to treat Christ that I actually saw relief in those areas. My mom has commented off and on about her stress, feeling overwhelmed, etc… and I want so badly to encourage her that I had those same problems until I began to submit to the Lord (I mean, I still have those issues from time to time, but nothing like it used to be. It was a daily burden on my shoulders, weighing me down), but I don’t know if she’ll ever be willing to hear me. 🙁

        So if you could please keep me in prayer, along with my momma… I so greatly desire her to have the fullness of the Lord’s goodness and blessing on her life… and she’s purposely withholding respect from my dad because she still feels justified in her disrespect because of what he did to her. She partly blames her great respect for him in his going off and kissing that other woman in the first place! 🙁 She said she was always a model wife, who hung on his every word (I explained idols to her, before I knew how she was taking it, of course, and said that perhaps she had made him into one), and all of a sudden he was kissing another woman in a bar… I guess because having my mom was “too easy” for him? Anyway, it’s a very sore spot for her now, even after all these years (he kissed the other woman prob around the time my mom was pregnant with my little brother, who’s now almost 25, and he confessed to her 3-4 years later), and I just want that fear, anxiety, stress, and disrespectful spirit to be lifted from her.

        Thanks for all you do,

        BlessedOut

      3. Eliza, I love your story!! God is so good. And yes, I agree God is speaking His truth through April’s blog in so many lives! My life is certainly one of them!

  7. I am not married, but I will share my story of how I got here.

    I was on FaceBook and a male Christian brother of ours had been posting about feminism all day. I liked his post. He was totally set on educating women on the lie of feminism.

    He made a post about his fiancee who is now his wife.He talked about how submissive she is to him. Down at the bottom of the post he posted a video made by April called ” Biblical submission”, He stated ” Now this women has biblical submission down packed learn from her”

    I clicked on it and watched it. I loved it. At that very moment my life changed. I continued to watch more and more of the videos. Then I ran out of videos and finally came over to the blog.

    This blog is life changing and GODS gift to women accept it.

    Thank April….

    I do wish you had more information for singles. 🙂

    1. Shy,

      Thank you for sharing your story! I love hearing how God brought different women here.

      Since there was no dating stage in biblical times, there is not a lot of info specifically for single women about relationships before marriage. But I try to share all I can with my single sisters. I want them to experience the treasure of Christ full blast, too!

      Much love to You!

  8. I did not want to post a comment on a specific post but I cannot find a way to send an individual email. I am not trying to comment on a specific topic but on the website content as a whole.

    My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. We have had our ups and downs like everyone else but overall, it has been a happy marriage. Every now and again, he would mention Biblical Submission and how he felt that that is how we should live our lives. I, on the other hand, did not grow up in the church and did not understand the concept. I tried and tried to figure out what it meant but could never find a reliable source to explain the concept.

    About a year ago, he brought it up again and I researched it, again. That’s when I came upon your blog. I was fascinated! Finally, someone to explain the concept with real life examples. I spent weeks reading every single entry, some of them several times. It was explained very clearly and concisely with reasoning behind every statement. It finally answered all the How? and Why? questions I have had for so many years.

    I took what you said to heart. I stopped arguing with my husband. I let him lead. I let him make all the decisions. I did not correct him when I felt he was wrong. I kept my mouth closed. I kept a smile on my face. I did not contradict him even when I felt his decision would end poorly. If he decided to turn left even though the destination was to the right, I did not say a word. He was in charge and the leader of our family. My position was to follow behind him.

    This lifestyle lasted less than a month. Within four weeks, he ordered me to stop. I thought I was doing everything right but it was so depressing to not have a say in anything in my own life. In his words, I was “not the woman he married” and if I continued this course, we would not be married anymore. It was so bad that I had a razor blade stashed in my makeup case. I stared at it every day wondering if today would be the day I would end up using it.

    Asking a woman to be submissive to her husband and expecting him to be more concerned with her needs is like lying in front of a lion and expecting him to be so moved that he lies next to you. The reality of it is, if you lay yourself down, you will be eaten alive. Men are not higher beings with the capacity to read our minds. Women are not slaves and should not be subjected to the whims of their husband.

    If this works for you, wonderful. I, however, will not put myself and my children in a position where we could lose everything because my husband wants to do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. I will not allow him to ruin our family because he makes poor decisions. I was forced to submit to my first husband. If I did not, I was left broken and bruised. He also forced me to choose him over my daughter no matter the situation. That will never happen again.

    While this lifestyle may work for some, it does not work for everyone. Not everyone is meant to be a servant just because they say “I do” in a ceremony.

    1. Niki,

      I am so thankful to hear from you and I am distressed to read what you took from my blog. While submission is about honoring our husbands as leaders, what you were doing is not what I describe. I talk about the importance of a wife sharing her ideas and input, about sharing her concerns in a respectful way, and about respectfully confronting our husbands’ sin when God leads us to. I also talk about listening to God’s prompting and being filled with His power and His Spirit and doing what He leads you to do in specific situations.

      What you are describing is a woman who is being a doormat – who has no voice, no opinions, no value, and no rights to be treated as an equal. I am so glad you stopped doing that!!

      What is your relationship with Christ? This is ultimately about our submission to Him. That is so very key.

      Much love to you! I wish you had reached out to me much earlier.

      How can I make this more clear to my readers? I have many posts about the importance of sharing our perspectives and concerns. I talk about how to it respectfully. I have posts about confronting our husbands’ sin. I have posts about the dangers of being too submissive, too respectful, or a doormat. I talk about not going too far in one sinful direction or the other – control or passivity.

      and yet, women continue to say that I teach not to confront and to be totally silent and to have no involvement in decisions. This is very frustrating. I never say those things! I never want women to hear these messages. I want them to hear balance and listening to God and being filled with His Spirit and His strength and power and using their influence in a godly way. Where is the disconnect happening? I am very interested to discuss this.

      1. April,

        I think a lot of women bring their prejudices and past experiences to any book or blog they read dealing with submission and respect–sometimes without even realizing it. It colors how they interpret things they read–sometimes grossly misunderstanding the message.

        On top of that, there is so much material here that newcomers are not getting the full message in a few selected posts.

        The idea of “submitting” is so full of different interpretations as how it gets played out–I think it feels very threatening to a lot of women. It’s scary and they have barriers that are hard to get past when they read your blog.

        So I pray the Lord gives you guidance on how to best get His message known to as many women as He leads here. That He would draw them to Himself and His truth.

        And thank you, thank you for all you do! Many of us are hearing it right!

        1. Julie,

          This is such a new concept to most women. And it is impossible to explain it all in one post. I definitely am concerned that a woman might read one or two posts and miss some majorly important parts of God’s design and godly femininity.

          And I am well aware that we tend to overshoot one way or the other. If we are overly dominating and controlling, we will probbaly overshoot at first to be too quiet and too passive. I know I did. But I needed a time of quiet for awhile to figure out how to stop speaking disrespectfully. But whenever I talk about a woman not speaking at times, in sensitivity to God’s Spirit, I try to always talk about that there are some times we DO need to speak up, again, in sensitivity to God’s Spirit. Finding that balance is very tricky. Impossible without God, really.

          I want to try to get the information to as many women as quickly and concisely and thoroughly as possible. I am certainly open to suggestions any of my readers might have.

          I know I cannot prevent all misunderstandings. But for a wife to purposely make herself a doormat thinking that is what I am saying just tears my heart to shreds!! Being a doormat wife is just as destructive to a marriage as being a controlling, disrespectful wife. Thank you for praying for God’s wisdom for me! I don’t want anyone to misunderstand like this!

      2. Very interesting. My heart breaks for Niki’s experience. I kind of get it, but not necessarily because anything you have said. Speaking for myself, I can tend to take things to an extreme. I do the “going too far in one sinful direction.” I am a fearful person and have a very hard time confronting my husband because I fear his response; therefore, I become a doormat to keep the peace. This results in anxiety and depression. Also, it all works best when the husband, in turn, fulfills his role of loving his wife as he is called to and listens to her thoughts and feelings on matters. When that doesn’t happen, the wife does feel defeated and low when carrying out respect. This is not healthy because God’s design is not being played out. (God’s ways are always best!) But neither is disrespectful behavior and arguing, so it is a much better option to be obedient to the Lord and find life and peace in Him instead of those around us.

        I find it interesting that Niki’s husband brought up Biblical submission a couple times and then when he got it, he didn’t want it. Maybe he prefers an egalitarian marriage and didn’t realize it. I wish I knew more of the story. Seems like there’s more to it.

        A couple other thoughts…

        “Asking a woman to be submissive to her husband and expecting him to be more concerned with her needs is like lying in front of a lion and expecting him to be so moved that he lies next to you.” We don’t follow the Lord to get something in return. This, too, leads to depression, because people never live up to what we expect of them. We follow gladly because of Christ’s sacrifice and example for us.

        “Not everyone is meant to be a servant just because they say “I do” in a ceremony.” Actually, if you are a Christian, you were meant to be a servant to all; even, and especially, your husband. (Galatians 5:13) and consider others better than yourself (Phil. 2:3) because you said “I do” to Christ.

      3. Niki, I am confused about your perspective. The reason you couldn’t say “Honey, I think you need a navigator, you are supposed to turn right ahead and you can’t do that from the left lane,” instead of “You jerk, turn right!” is what? God will honor the first comment, the second one, not so much.

        1. Ellen,

          Yes, a wife can speak up in such a situation and say, “honey, I think that is our turn.” There are some husbands who don’t want their wives to say anything even if they are going the wrong direction. But most husbands would appreciate a friendly heads up. I know Greg would.

          Thanks for the suggestion!

      4. April it should be made clear, that the model of Biblical submission, only works if at least one of them are submitted to Christ. As I read Nikki’s comment, the one thing that stood out to me, was that, while the husband was in love with the concept, there was no mention of either of them being surrendered to Christ. ” The wisdom of the cross is folly to those who are perishing.”

        1. Tjcox53,

          I actually wrote that in a post one time, and a wife asked me not to discourage unbeleiving wives from seeking to submit to their husbands because it was through her submission to her husband that Christ drew her into submission to Himself.

          But, I don’t know how women would have the strength and ability to have right motives to submit in a biblical way without being fully submitted to Christ first. That is the way this works best. Many women try to do what I talk about doing and “leave out the God stuff,” and they usually get really frustrated because Jesus is the power source and the entire point of everything about which I write!

          Thanks for sharing, my brother!

      5. To be honest I think these women Just want to blame you for everything. That or they can’t read or lack understanding of english literature. I’ve never seen/heard you say those things. I’m so confused by these women.

        1. Shy,
          I haven’t said these things – but I don’t think that these dear women are trying to blame me. I think there is a veil that is causing them not to understand. I pray God might remove the veil so that they might experience the richness and treasure of Christ in their marriages. 🙂

    2. Niki,
      I also wanted to mention, I am so very sorry for what happened to you – the terrible emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse that happened. Biblical submission cannot be forced. It is about our submission to Christ. It is always voluntary and between a woman and God primarily.

      My heart just aches at hearing what you went through in your first marriage and then how you interpreted my blog. I grieve with you. I don’t ever want to be part of a woman setting aside her personhood and her godly influence in her marriage.

      Sending you the biggest hug! Much love to you!

    3. Niki,
      The fourth paragraph in your comment does not describe April’s teaching on submission. I don’t think you fully understand what’s being taught here. You don’t become a voiceless non-person in the process of Biblical submission. We’re not called to be mindless people pleasers who avoid participating in decisions or think that our opinions are unimportant or unneccessary. I would challenge you to go back to the places on this blog that you believe taught the things you described, and let April clarify for them for you.

      1. My suspicion is that Niki, perhaps your history of being abused may have greatly affected your perception of what submission and respect mean.

        This is one reason why I encourage those in abusive situations not to read my posts about marriage. Many women in abusive marriages seem to mishear me in very dangerous ways. That concerns me greatly. That is why I ask women with extreme situations to seek one on one godly individualized counsel. But I wonder if I need to include women who have been abused in the past in that disclaimer, as well, because maybe those filters are still in place for some women.

        The thought of any woman thinking I am suggesting she be a doormat or a slave upsets me greatly.

    4. Niki,

      I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, it is a frequent story that happens a lot. Slogging our way through all this can be very murky. But after reading through a lot of this (and I have been doing so), you can see that a lot of this depends on being outcome independent.

      Especially if you have a lot of children, or if you homeschool with a lot or even a few children, whatever the case is, I learned that you have to run the house like a military barracks (give or take a little, of course). Everything on a schedule, and all the other stuff lined up. Just make it, and be sure to put yourself first when appropriate. I didn’t put myself first at any point early in our marriage, and it nearly ruined my health and my sanity. So don’t put others first all the time. You need to put your relationship with God, followed by your health and hygiene needs, first. If you don’t, there will be nothing left for anybody else.

      Then run things and run the kids and let the chips fall where they may. Make it look like you have it down pat even if you don’t feel like you do. And yep, I know all about the feeling like you’re lying down in front of a lion; you WILL be eaten alive. There is submission and there is stupidity; I do not believe that any of the women who write the marriage blogs advocate the latter. There is a verse in Scripture about being as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves; this is what we have to keep in mind.

    5. “I let him make all the decisions. I did not correct him when I felt he was wrong. I kept my mouth closed. I kept a smile on my face. I did not contradict him even when I felt his decision would end poorly. If he decided to turn left even though the destination was to the right, I did not say a word. He was in charge and the leader of our family. My position was to follow behind him.”

      That’s exactly what I did! My word, it sounds like me early in our marriage….I had a bad example from my own home and my sisters’ marriages. I definitely didn’t want a marriage like theirs, so I was determined I would not do what they did. And I was miserable.

  9. I love April’s blog and have followed it since she first started. It was life changing for me in that it helped me to understand that my own husband was an abusive narcissist. If your husband uses this and other blogs to demand your ‘submission’ and controls you by threatening to tell April when you are, in his mind, being ‘disrespectful’, please find a good Christian counsellor to help you through. Often men like my husband can appear to be loving and caring towards you and will tell you that their actions are in your best interests when in fact it is the opposite. Take care ladies.

      1. Hello April, I am doing well my friend. I’m still recovering from my marriage but God has bought me to a good place where my circumstances, while not what I had planned for my life, are good. My children and I are healing and have much love and support around us. Xx

  10. First, April, today’s blog title made me laugh…literally out loud. I thankfully was led here over 2 years ago (i feel i was led by God) and was just looking into what respecting my husband meant. I had no idea. Especially since I sinfully believed he wasn’t earning my respect. I am so thankful to have found this blog. I unlikely would have been receptive myself, but my mind immediately went to some posts I had shared with my husband from aman’s blog. He may have thought I was being a jerk if he wasn’t ready to hear that message. I was very careful in not sending each post or ones that seemed like I was pointing a finger, but ones I thought he actually might enjoy and be enriched from. He still may have been offended? I also read lots of verses and send ones I like to friends and sometimes share with him, but I am guarded in my choice of the message because I don’t want to use it as an opportunity to shake my finger at him. I send scripture I feel may bless him.

    April, I truly believe you do the best you can do to attach every known disclaimer to your website to try to curb misinterpretations, but we are humans and we are all filled with our past.

    As I read through the comments, I repeat what Julie said above regarding ‘colors how they interpret’.

    It saddened me to see Niki’s comment regarding her interpretation of submission which sounded nothing like what I’ve read here the past 2 years. You have made many disclaimers that guarded against this type of interpretation.

    I personally had a quiet phase because it was hard for my sinful heart not to think those disrespectful thoughts and words in the beginning so I had to zip it until I learned to respond in love.

    Husbands do get uncomfortable (especially passive ones) when their dominant wives take a backseat. My personal belief is that sometimes it may God convicting them of their duties and responsibilities – their God commanded authority – within the marriage and household.

    April thank you for the work you do here in God’s strength. I pray for each wife to read this blog with a heart seeking to honor God in their marriage and lives and I pray we are able to allow God to do His work in each of our lives.

    1. Prayingwife79,

      I really debated about this title. But this is exactly what so many wives have said, I decided to just go with it. It’s every writer’s dream, obviously. 🙂

      I know that I would have been upset if Greg told me I was disrespectful. But I also know I would have had to wrestle with it. And I know that I would have cared if I had hurt him and would have wanted to make things right. I don’t know how much I could have understood if he had tried to explain it. He actually couldn’t verbalize it to me back then. I used to beg him to tell me what he needed and he would just go silent. Later he told me he knew he wanted respect but he didn’t feel he deserved my respect and couldn’t ask for it. I know that some husbands do try to explain, and wives just don’t get it. Even when I was trying to learn and studying and praying for hours every day, it took me 2.5 years to even begin to get it. How sad is that!?!?

      Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is so helpful!

      You are very precious to me!

      1. I hope that I would have been able to hear my husband if he told me I was hurting him… it worries me that at my height of disrespect I felt so justified in my controlling, bossing and even condescending ways that I likely would have thought I was right and he was wrong. But i pray that husbands extending this invitation to read your blog in love and encouragement to their wives would be heard and the seed planted.

        I remind myself often that we should seek to be Christ like with our grace, mercy and compassion. This can go against our selfish nature and what the world dictates is ‘right’…but grace bestowed upon each of us is undeserved so who are we not to bestow grace to those we love.

        *this is not advice to ignore abuse, addiction, severe untreated mental disorders or unrepented adultery.*

        I pray those in truly abusive relationships would seek immediate help from godly counsel and legal help (when applicable).

  11. Oh my goodness! This title made me crack up laughing! My husband did suggest this blog to me during a time when we were not communicating well at all and he was feeling extremely disrespected by the speed at which I was taking on life. At first, I was so offended! I thought, “PEACEFUL WIFE??? You would have a peaceful wife if you’d do xyz!!” (Thankfully, I did NOT say that). After a couple days I realized I should investigate this site and I’ve been reading wisdom here ever since! I am so thankful that he put his own time & energy into recommending an effective resource for me! Leading me here has opened so many heart doors! I am a better wife today in many ways due to wise posts and discussions here! And no, my husband is not a jerk – well, maybe a couple days a month – lol!

    1. FreeIndeed,

      Love this! Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate hearing what you first thought to yourself. And I am so thankful for the beauty that zgod is creating in your heart!!

      Much love!
      April

  12. April,

    If you receive so many angry responses from women whom are upset about their husbands referring them to your site, then may I suggest you add this article to your top navigation banner with your other “most important” article links, as-well-as place a link to it near the bottom of your “about” page for first-time visitors to find. That might help direct more angry women/wives to a new and helpful perspective.

    Just a thought!

    Thanks!

  13. April,
    I was mulling over the discussions here last night, and it strikes me that part of the misunderstandings of Biblical submission comes from the world’s views of this sort of, stereotypical characature of a passive, spineless, timid, and weak woman.

    I did a search online for the words “submissive vs. passive”. Because secular society views remove Christ, it makes all the difference how “submissive” is understood.

    Here’s an example:

    “submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what you really mean and not seeking to achieve your needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs. A submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear them or they fear to hurt their feelings.

    When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people.”

    That is so wrong!

    1. In editing out some of my comment, I now see that I lost my point that “submission” and “passivity” are frequently seen as synonmyms. Christian submission cannot be definied as passivity.

      1. But there is so much more wrong in the definition I quoted besides submission being synonomous with passivity…..

      2. Julie,
        I totally agree that Christian submission to Christ and submission to a husband, or to government authority, those in church leadership, or to a boss, or parents is not the same thing as passivity. It is about honoring that person’s God-given position and leadership. But no human has ultimate authority and there are times when we should not cooperate with a leader – if they want to sin or want us to sin or do something truly dangerous or foolish.

        Passivity means, we give up our voice and influence and do nothing.

        That is not how Esther responded to the king when her people were in danger. It is not how any Christ follower submitted to Christ.

        When we are in submissions to Christ, we seek His will above our own. But there are times when we need to act. There are also times of waiting and not speaking. This requires us to be sensitive to God’s Spirit to know when to wait and be silent and when to speak up and act.

        There are two sinful extremes we go to without God’s Spirit – control or passivity. Both of these are destructive.

          1. Danielle,
            I’m so glad you had a light bulb moment. I think a whole lot of women, including myself at one point, get lost there. I talked with my sister about this yesterday, and she said she did, too.

      1. April,
        I understand your thinking….I suspect that any word used to substitute “submission” would run into the same problem. The world has distorted so many definitions of words and phrases.

        But instead of my heading into a place of frustration over that (just caught myself!) I will instead remind myself that God is not limited by these things. 🙂

        1. Julie,

          You are right, I am sure!

          And I thank God that He is not limited even by our human misunderstandings. I am sure we all misunderstand Him quite often. May He continue to illumine the path for each of us that we might understand Him rightly.

  14. April, yes!

    I think another thing to point out is that there is an element of tremendous strength and confidence in a woman who is intimate with Christ and daily lives to find her joy in Him. When she practices submission, it does not feel like weakness. She is confident in Christ’s power…Think Elisabeth Elliot. She had God’s design for femininity down so well, and she was not timid or weak, but still, she was submissive under authority.

  15. Hi April~ my story of finding your blog: about a week or two after God told me another ministry was becoming an idol, I found your website. I would say my Heavenly Husband – Jesus- led me to your website. This other ministry is a really big one that ministers to other women, and it has blessed me a lot. I work at a job where I can listen to music and read blogs while I work. So after God told me the other ministry was becoming an idol. I repented and I prayed at work for God to let me see Him. I know this part may sound weird but I even googled things like “Only God” because I wanted to find ministries to listen to that helped me desire only Him and not put things before Him. I know I don’t need to go to google to find the Lord, so I know that may sound silly. It’s because I’m at work, and I want to find something to listen to online that fixes my eyes on Jesus on throughout the day. Well, I ended up on your website for one of the websites I felt like God guided me to.

    I ask my husband, David, often “what do you think I need to work on?” to grow spiritually. I like the most challenging verses of the Bible and I long to please God and not people, so I LOVE your website. It’s exactly what I need to help me transform more into the wife who adores Jesus Christ above all, and longs to respect her husband. The first week, I found your website, I realized I wasn’t as thankful for my husband as I need to be, and God has been helping me be a better Helper to David. God bless you and your family and all who the Lord leads to your blog. 😀
    Amber

  16. Hi April,
    I stumbled across your site, and I wasn’t sure if you were biblically sound or just a religious nut job. Lol. You are NOT the latter! My husband would come home to a messy house, a tired wife and chaotic kids. And he would see me trying to tackle ALL the housework myself. He would then proceed to point out areas of the house he wasn’t happy with. And I would take it as a personal hit. I was shattered because I was running myself into the ground trying to keep up with it all. And I thought that he thought my efforts weren’t good enough. Not so! I confronted him one day about it and told him how I felt. And he said he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He would just come home and feel upset if he saw me struggling with housework while the kids ran riot. He just wanted to see me relaxed and happy, and the kids pulling their weight. He said it hurts him to have a sad wife. He wants a joyful,confident wife. He still nit picks about messes in the house. But he now asks one of the children to clean it up. He doesn’t just voice his displeasure anymore and leave it at that. And I feel less stressed because of it. 🙂

  17. Hi April,

    I just wanted to thank you for your posts. My situation is completely different. I came across your website about a year ago and immediately was drawn to this different approach to marriage. However, I’m not married but I noticed some really damaging trends in my parents marriage. For a long time I viewed my dad as being unloving and inattentive to my mother, but as I started reading your posts, I began to see how my mother’s behavior towards him caused this. She can be very controlling, fearful, insulting and downright disrespectful and sometimes to the point that it would bring me to tears because she would do it in front of me and other people. I have a wonderful father who would do any and everything for his family and I don’t really understand why she treats him this way. I am also grateful though to have discovered your posts because I began to see how I’ve picked up some of her bad habits. As I said before, I’m not married but I’ve been in a courting relationship for over a year now and I’ve been able to identify when I’m being disrespectful towards him and quickly ask for forgiveness. Not too long ago, I told my mom about your blog, but she wasn’t very receptive and isn’t too keen on changing, but I’ll just keep praying and I know one day she’ll come to the light.

    Thanks for all you do.

    1. Erica,

      I’m so thankful for what God is doing in your life. How I pray He might open your mom’s eyes before it is too late! But I praise God that you have the opportunity to learn and to see clearly the path she has chosen and the results of it so that you might consciously reject her sinful ways of thinking and the ungodly parts of her example and embrace only the truth and beauty of God’s Word and His call on your life.

      Thank you so much for sharing!

  18. Hi April! Thanks for your awesome post. I know you said that you don’t write for people in abusive relationships or marriages with serious problems but I have a question. My husband is a pathological liar. He can’t be trusted with anything. He lies about money, simple things and he hides things from me. Is this considered a serious problem? When I do let go and let him take control everything crumbles. His priorities are completely backwards and I have been dealing with it for 7 years. I’m considering separation/divorced.

    1. imblessed2014,

      Goodness. What a painful situation. Sin always causes destruction, heartache, and grief. 🙁

      What does your husband say when you confront him?

      Are you both believers in Christ?

      Have you gone to a pastor or a godly mentoring man or couple, following Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 18:15-17?

      Does he have any other addictions or mental health issues?

      Much love to you!

      1. No he doesn’t have a mental illness that I know of although I think he has an addiction to pornography. I am working on having a deep relationship with Christ but he isn’t. When I confront him about his sin he always either has an excuse or he tries to talk his way out of it. He does say that I am controlling which I feel like I have to be because he can’t be trusted. I have suggested counseling for months. He has agreed to go but it never happens.

        1. imblessed2014,

          Then, I would suggest praying and then when you know God is prompting you and He is giving you the words, saying something like, “Honey, I love you and am so thankful you are my husband. I want to honor you as the God-given leader. I have a lot of controlling tendencies and faults that I need to work on. I am getting stuck because I don’t know how to trust right now in this cycle we are in. I understand that my being controlling probably pushes you to feel like you can’t be honest with me. And then you not being honest with me pushes me to feel like I can’t trust you more. And we keep going in this awful cycle. If we cannot take care of this on our own – which would be my preference – I think I need to go to a godly mentoring wife/biblical Christian counselor, to help me deal with my part of things. I would love for both of us to go. You can even choose the counselor if you would prefer. But whether you go or not, I have to do this for me and for my end of the marriage.”

          Much love to you!

          1. Hi April,

            I love your blog. You have very good information regarding biblical principles and being a godly wife.

            I am curious why imblessed2014 should say that “my being controlling probably pushes you to feel like you can’t be honest with me.”

            To me lying about money is a huge red flag. Why give him an easy out? I don’t care how controlling imblessed2014 has been in the past. This could be just the tip of the iceburg on a major issue that she may not even be aware. He could have an unchecked spending habit of some sort that could lead her to financial ruin if she doesn’t operate with her eyes totally open.

            I would think imblessed2014 needs trust to be rebuilt first. He needs to show that he can be a good steward and be accountable for money. I am not saying she should control or be in charge… but he should at least be honest about where the money is going.

            The fact that she calls him a “pathological liar” should have us concerned. If he really lies to that degree, I would think she needs to be very careful moving forward for the sake of the family.

            Just some thoughts… I hope the tone does not sound harsh, I was just curious why lying about money would not be a huge red flag/hard stop issue.

          2. Summer,

            Lying is a big flag. So is a spouse being really controlling. Many times, if one person focuses on his/her own sin, the cycle of sin slows down or stops. But a wife may certainly confront her husband in a respectful way about the lying, and if he does not repent and won’t change, she may need to involve a godly pastor or biblical counselor.

            Trust needs to be rebuilt on both sides – most likely. But if he truly is a pathological liar – then she may need outside help. He may need accountability to be transparent and to rebuild that trust. Thank you so much for this point.

            Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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