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The Answer to All of Your Marriage Problems

Greg and April 2014

A brother in Christ shared this with me and has given me permission to share with you. I think this is some POWERFUL stuff right here, sisters!

Imagine an old wagon wheel with all the spokes going out–the spokes represent all the HUGE piles of problems we’ve inadvertently created by not seeing that we (with the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through us) could take responsibility for our patterns, and change them and really heal. If a person goes into the CORE with God, or the center of the wagon wheel and heals THAT, then all the spokes will begin to change position and properly align themselves as well.

If you follow then my reasoning, you understand why we must, just like in surgery, operate where the pain is and fix it, rather than do cosmetic surgery (figuring out your husband’s love language, showing respect, having date nights, spending more time together, etc.) on the surface and leaving the deep seated problem festering below. Cosmetic surgery is wonderful, but give it the proper place.

Deep seated CORE festering HUGE problem #1.

This is the ONE that fixes all the rest:

Our relationship with God. Our relationship with Real Love & Real Life.

Love is a cruel demon when we make it our god – and many do. It causes us to pursue, marry and stay connected (spouse/family) to people in unhealthy ways. The real enemies are our own sin, ungodly thoughts, lies we have absorbed, a warped understanding of God/self/others, worldly ideas, and Satan. Don’t confuse those enemies with your spouse (or family), even if you need to set boundaries with them and deliver consequences to them.

Realize God is love. His love is mine and yours too, if we just reach out, He’ll reach in. As we wildly, really recklessly pursue God – we become filled to overflowing.

God is love.

Love is not god.

You, Lord God, have brought my soul out of not understanding the difference. My lifetime of heaviness has passed and I have joy. Though I fall Lord, You will succeed. You carry me when all my efforts fail. God is love. Love cannot be your god. This wisdom is better than diamonds.

Now, the key seems to be keeping company with those who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. This is why time in God’s Word and in prayer is so important. This is where He transforms us to be more and more like Himself. But it is also critical to seek out people who are mature believers in Christ who can pray with you and disciple you.

Three things to remember on this road if you are in Christ:

  • You’re deeply loved
  • You’re free (from this world and from sin)
  • Be very careful which people you choose to give power to. Don’t let your happiness depend on something/someone you may lose.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

What we all need – whether we are married or single, male or female, young or old, healthy or sick, rich or poor – is more of Jesus. Then He can give us His wisdom, His perspective, His power, His joy, His peace, His patience, His resources, His godliness, His Word, and all that we need to face each situation in our lives.

This doesn’t mean we won’t suffer or that we will get everything we want. We will suffer at times. That is a guarantee in this cursed world. And we won’t get everything we want. But God will use all of this to strengthen our faith and walk with Him, to help us to grow in Christ, to bring glory to Himself, and to accomplish His good purposes in our lives. Then we will have everything we NEED.

Our circumstances are the method God uses to refine us and bring us to maturity. We think we need better or different circumstances. But sometimes, if God gave us what we want, it would actually destroy us. God is sovereign over our circumstances. We can fully trust Him. If we cannot change our circumstances, it may be that there are treasures God desires us to glean in our situation. The circumstances are not the most important thing – our faith and trust in Jesus is the most important thing!

The Importance of Spiritual Pruning

CAUTION:

If you have severe issues in your marriage (uncontrolled mental health issues, drug/alcohol addiction, real abuse, infidelity – please seek wise, godly, experienced counsel and appropriate help from the authorities or from a trusted physician.)

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How Do You Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit?

How Can I Tell If God Is Working in My Life or If I Am Doing This in My Own Power?

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Praying from Faith, Not Fear

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Jesus Is the Love of My Life!  Peacefulwife VIDEO – 7.5 minutes

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37 thoughts on “The Answer to All of Your Marriage Problems

  1. My husband keeps speaking divorce and I am really discouraged about this. Yes, I’ve made some mistakes especially in regard to forgetting that he really needs building up. He is far from the Lord, but is discerning person. We’ve been meeting w/ our Pastor and I thought it was going well, but this morning I heard a different story.

    Satan is hard at work in our church and my hubby sees that as proof that God is not working. People leave the church and some have divorced, but this is not the norm. He just hears about it because he’s not there or involved enough to know. He doesn’t read the Bible, pray, or go to church anymore which is why I think he’s deceived, but my real problem is that he thinks we’re headed for divorce. I am committed to this marriage and am willing to work it out, but how can I if he decides differently?

    1. Crystal,

      This is the awesome part about trusting in a totally sovereign, omnipotent, omniscient God. You can focus on what God commands you to do as a wife and on your walk with Christ – and we can trust God to work in your husband’s heart, mind, and soul. God is able to convict your husband in ways you cannot begin to fathom – without your help. Your job is to get out of God’s way in your husband’s life by obeying God for what He calls you to do and repenting of any sin in your life. As you seek to truly respect, honor, bless, and build up your husband – over time – God may use your godly example to impact your husband. But He can also get your husband’s attention in thousands of other ways that you cannot predict.

      Check out these posts:
      My Husband Wants to Go Where?
      A Wife’s Big Faith and an Old Truck
      My Worry Insults God
      The Key to Peace
      When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”

      Give him time and space. You be joyful and peaceful in Christ, resting in His provision, His power, His sovereignty, His love for you. Focus on your faith, love and trust in Christ Jesus. Fully submit yourself to Him as Lord of ALL in your life. Give Him total access to every corner of your mind, heart, and soul. Ask God to radically change you to be the woman He desires you to be no matter what your husband does or does not do. Live one day at a time. Trust God. Let Him do the miracles He wants to do.

      Your husband is not the most powerful factor here. His feelings at this moment are not the greatest force at work. Our God is able to change the hearts and minds of people by His Spirit’s power. God is the most powerful and important factor here – and your willingness to trust Him completely.

      Praying for you both today!

    2. April is right. God is in control. You just do your part and let God work. Be the happiest , peaceful person you can be. Make being with you something your husband is drawn to. Be his soft place to fall. Build him up. If you need to disagree with something make it short and go right back to being peaceful. Don’t let satan win this fight.

      A great resource for your journey is rejoiceministries.org

      It will give you practical tips for standing for your marriage. And how to act and what to say when your husband speaks of divorce.

  2. WONDERFUL write up this morning. I am learning to enjoy the journey thru the hard circumstances I am in right now instead of fighting it. 2 weeks into it now and I am finding the walk is so much easier! Learning to sit back and let God do the refining and learning to trust Him more. Our God is SOVEREIGN over our circumstances!

    1. April Jo,

      I love what God is already doing in your heart so early on this road. Praying for you to continue to fully submit to Christ and to allow Him to work in your heart. What He is doing in you is so beautiful!!!!

      Interestingly, I was praying about a situation this past week that was causing me angst – where I felt I was in a position where I had to compromise what was right and I didn’t want to be in that position. This past week, God – without my involvement at all – God removed me from the situation through a decision of an unbeliever. Wow. He is truly sovereign over our circumstances. What comfort, joy, and peace there is in knowing that He can change my circumstances if that is His will, or, He can leave me in certain circumstances if that is His will, and He can change ME!

      1. That shows how we serve a MIGHTY God!! He truly cares. All we need to do is take it to Him and He will lovingly do what is right for us. I am still waiting to be removed! But I will patiently wait. I always went to Him with the problem, but then try to fix it the way me- myself- and I wanted it done! Big lesson learned. These circumstances I am in are teaching me a valuable lesson. So I obviously have more to learn. But I don’t look at it anymore as a bother. I look at is as refinement ~ just like today’s post! And then in the end……..give Him ALL THE GLORY!

  3. WOW WEE!! What a powerful statement! Be careful who you give your power to! I am changing it to Be careful who or what you give your power to and writing that in my journal!

    I would love to see you write a post on Date Night. I cringe everytime you mention it and here is the reason why. I know a person who loves to dress up and be taken out to eat. Her husband hates it. She thinks it is date night and he thinks it is torture!

    Now my husband and I completely agree on what date night should be. In the winter it is no kids and watching football and I usually make some yummy unhealthy food like buffalo wings. Sometimes we will pick up take out before the game. In the spring and summer it is Sunday afternoon golf on tv. We love it!

    I have a friend whose ideal date night is she and her husband sit in the shower and eat watermelon. They have a huge awesome shower and one of those continous hot water heaters. They send the kids to grandmas and stay in there for hours.

    I have another friend who she and her husband go get pedicures. Now this is a funny because he is the man who looks like the least person in the world who would enjoy a pedi. He is big and burly and rough looking but they love it.

    So I guess I see Date Night the same as Love Language. People often try to plan a special night with maybe a movie and dinner and it is forced and not really special or fun. I know in the past I did that and thought why isn’t this fun and romantic? It is suppose to be. It was because I was trying to do book suggestions of date night instead of finding our love language date night.

    1. Daisymae,

      I love that statement, too!

      I don’t think I talk much about Date Night – that it is necessary or that it has to be a certain way. But – I love all the different ideas you have seen and heard about. 🙂 To me, the key is to get to spend time together when possible in a way that is enjoyable for the husband and the wife. It doesn’t have to cost money. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

      I think we can all be content whether we go out on “official dates” or not. I know I can. I no longer care if we go out to eat ever. I no longer care if we go on vacations. I don’t care if we have babysitters for the kids or not. I don’t care if we spend money on anything for our time together. I am content even if my husband has projects to do, is sick, or is out of town. And I am content when he does have time to spend with me – no matter what we do. It is a very freeing place to be, really. 🙂

      I think lots of times, it is healthy to tear out our expectations and just see what our husbands would truly enjoy (then try to find a way to let it be something the husband and wife might both enjoy), instead of trying to force ourselves into a specific pattern.

      1. April, that should have said “when someone mentions date night” not you. I don’t think I have ever heard you mention is actually. 🙂

  4. Dear Greg & April,
    I love your blogs and the wisdom and truth contained herein. However, unless something changes, I’m done. How far is a person supposed to bend over backwards before breaking? The last time I shared with her wise Christian marital information about our roles, and my perspective as a husband, she got offended.
    Ultimately, my wife believes she’s always right and she knows what’s best so attempting to communicate to her has been impossible! Currently, unless something changes, I don’t see any other recourse. I refuse to be miserably married for the sake of Christian principles.

    1. Nathan,

      I am so sorry to hear about how painful things are. 🙁

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      What do you believe needs to change that you can control?

      How about we pray together about this?

    2. Nathan, I am not giving marriage advice here, but once when I was very disrespectful to my husband, he left and he didn’t come home for 4 days. He wouldn’t even answer my calls. It was a wake up call for me.

      I was just thinking that maybe instead of saying you are done if she doesn’t change, maybe there is something you could do to promote change. And of course, work on yourself and find peace and joy within you. Because in the end that is where God wants all of us to be.

      1. Daisymae,

        I have also seen some husbands who will say something to their wives like, “I want this marriage to work. It is not working right now. Here is what I want to see happen. I want us to be a team. I want us to look at Scripture together and build our marriage based on the biblical model. I know that isn’t popular today. But we have been doing things the world’s way and it is not working. Here are the main things I want us to focus on… (Ephesians 5:22-33). I am planning to seek to love you in selfless, Christlike ways by doing X, Y, and Z. And I know I am accountable before God to lead you and our children in His ways, to love you as Christ loves His church, and to ultimately make the right decisions for our family. I want Him to find me faithful when I stand before God at the end of my life. I want to hear your feelings, needs, desires, and ideas. You help me see things from a perspective that I wouldn’t have considered on my own. You are my best friend and most trusted advisor. I want to take some of the load off of your shoulders by leading in these ways: X, Y, and Z. What do you believe we most need in our marriage right now? Here is what I believe we need in order to move toward a godly marriage…”

        There are some Secret Church series by David Platt on Youtube about Biblical Manhood and Womanhood that a couple could also listen to together or separately.

        Husbands can lovingly, gently, firmly share with their wives when they see sin in their lives. But wives will need to know that they are still loved and secure in the marriage. That is a wife’s number one need, in my view, is to know that her husband’s love is secure and unshakable. Ultimately, she needs to find security in Christ. But as she knows her husband truly loves her and is committed to her, that may help her to feel safe enough to begin to trust God and her husband more and to explore changing the marriage roles to begin to line up with Scripture.

        Praying for wisdom for each husband and wife!

        Of course, God may lead individual husbands to handle these situations differently. It could be that a temporary separation may be necessary in some cases. And God is certainly able to give the words and His wisdom and direction to husbands as they seek to become the godly men He calls them to be for His glory.

  5. “Love is a cruel demon when we make it our god – and many do. It causes us to pursue, marry and stay connected (spouse/family) to people in unhealthy ways. The real enemies are our own sin, ungodly thoughts, lies we have absorbed, a warped understanding of God/self/others, worldly ideas, and Satan. Don’t confuse those enemies with your spouse (or family)”
    This says it all.

  6. Hi April, I have been reading your blog and it’s really helpful.
    I have realised in my walk with Christ that when my relationship is right with God things between my husband and I are so much better than when my relationship with God isn’t so well. My husband and I met in church. But probably a few months into our marriage he backslid. This was extremely painful because the love of Christ brought us together and he was no longer walking in the love of Christ.
    Well while we were still courting, we sinned against God. Though we didn’t fornicate we didn’t keep our purity. I repented of my sin and believe that God has forgiven me.
    My husband has been committing adultery with various woman since he backslid. It’s been really hard for me. I have thought of walking out of this marriage but I made a vow before God ‘until death so us apart’. I also do not want our children to grow up without a father like I did.. I am praying for him to rededicate his life to Christ once more. I have nagged, given the silent treatment and all manner of things about his extra marital affairs hoping he would change but I realised that makes things even worse.. I am really just praying and believing God to change my husband’s heart and save him.
    There was a point when I was just so bitter towards my husband because I just didn’t understand why he does what he does. It’s really hard but I encourage myself with the fact that God does not disappoint those who hopes and trust in Him.

  7. @Nathan, @daisymae,

    If my husband were to walk out the door and leave for several days without any contact, I have no idea what would happen.

    When I have seen him get frustrated and angry, and he started walking out the door, I panicked. I nearly suffered a heart attack from the terror of being abandoned on one occasion. I was crumpled on the floor and could hardly breathe; one of my kids almost dialed 911, then we heard the key in the door and I could breathe again.

    Since then, I have never dared approach him on anything that could remotely precipitate such a horrible event.

    The threat of abandonment is enough to keep my mouth shut. I never request anything of him. If it is something I cannot obtain for myself, I just try to find an acceptable substitute. I will never put myself in such a vulnerable position as to suffer the horror of abandonment. Our communication has dwindled to bare niceties (like the weather) and if we do have a discussion on anything, if he raises his voice above a certain decibel level, I hastily agree with whatever he says and make as fast an exit as possible.

    The important thing is to remember that the terror of abandonment is very likely, especially if you have children and you are home fulltime. Don’t put yourself in the position of possible abandonment. Agree with everything he says. Don’t make ANY waves, EVER. When he scolds you, nod your head and agree, DON’T defend yourself, don’t make excuses, don’t point out your side because it will only stoke his anger. Too dangerous.

    1. Anonymous,

      Goodness, this is not a healthy situation at all. 🙁 I really hope that this is a big exaggeration.

      Obviously, a healthy marriage would be one where both husbands and wives can share concerns, feelings, ideas, problems, needs, desires, and even respectfully confront one another in God-honoring ways.

      Praying for you, my friend!

  8. Hi April,
    Thank you so much for your blog. God has radically transformed me and my marriage last year when I went on my submission journey. This concept of submission is rarely talked about in churches but the key to a God honoring marriage. I want to share this concept with all the other women at my church. Do you know of any videos or study guides on this topic that you could recommend we use at our church Sunday school? Thanks,

    1. Shannon,

      How I praise God for what He has been doing in your life!!!!!! 🙂 WOOHOO!

      I have some videos about biblical submission on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy.”
      I also love my friend, Carla’s videos at Sparkle Living about submission http://www.mysparkleliving.com.

      And, you can search my blog home page for “submission” to find some posts about it, if you would like to share them – you are welcome to.

      The posts at the top of my home page by Rev. Weaver at my church are extremely good, in my view “Spiritual Authority” and “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage.”

      It can also be helpful to compare biblical submission to control/disrespect. You can search my home page for “disrespect” and “control” as well as “idol husband.” And, for balance, it could be wise to talk about “Can a Wife Be Too Respectful or Too Submissive?”

      I would also want to be sure that any wives who are truly being abused probably not join in with these videos if possible – they are going to likely need one-on-one very wise, biblical, mature help to navigate being a godly wife and figuring out when it would be appropriate to leave if they are in danger. Sometimes wives who are being seriously abused in some way hear the message about biblical submission as a command to stay and take abuse. That is NEVER my message. But that is what these very vulnerable women sometimes hear. I don’t want to bring harm to them.

      There are a few books and other resources that may be helpful:

      “What’s Submission Got to Do with It?” – by Cindy Easley – this book talks about different challenging circumstances in submission and about 8 wives’ stories.

      David Platt’s series “Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood” are excellent.

      John Piper has some very good sermons about submission at http://www.desiringgod.org.

      May God richly bless your walk with Christ, my precious sister! 🙂

      1. Thank you April for your resource suggestions. I’m thankful to God for your ministry. I’m so grateful to God for his mercy in stepping in and rescuing me from tearing down my house with my hands. I’ve learned that submission is possible when I’ve completely surrendered myself to God and when I keep my eyes fixed on God, not my marriage or my husband. I no longer need to look to my husband for validation (that’s a bottomless pit of need), and I am empowered to joyfully work at being a blessing to him without thinking about what he should be doing for me. Also, in the past I viewed any rebuke from him as unloving criticism. Now, I humbly welcome his rebukes because that is how God is sanctifying me so that I may be presented blameless. Jesus’ yoke is easy and his ways are the best. I am trying to get the word out to every married woman I know. Praise God!!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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