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“I Want a Baby, but My Husband Doesn’t Want One Right Now. What Do I Do?”

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Here is a question from a dear wife and sister in Christ:

Hi April, I would love to hear your thoughts about this disagreement I am having with my husband. We have one 18 month old, and I desire to have another baby sometime in the next year. My husband doesn’t want a baby anytime soon. What is your advice about this? Oh, and I guess I should let you know his reasons for not wanting another baby for quite some time. He wants us to get out of debt first, and he says we need to do a better job of parenting the one child we do have and our marriage needs to improve. Those are his reasons.

I think that this is one of the most common conflicts I have seen here on the blog. Babies are on our minds as women in a way that they are not with men, possibly. I think men can want children very much, too. But, they are not reminded of the issue as much as we are, in some ways – or, maybe it doesn’t always feel as pressing to them? Maybe the men can speak to that in the comments. We are designed by God to carry, nurture, nurse, and care for babies, after all. We tend to have an intense biological drive to desire children (not all of us, of course, but many of us).

This particular husband in the question above has some valid concerns, in my view.

I believe that the desire to be a mother is a good, God-given desire. Motherhood is a gift and a blessing. So is fatherhood and family. So is marriage. All of these things are good things.

This is such a painful and sensitive topic for so very many women. My heart goes out to each of you who are struggling with this conflict, or with infertility issues, and for the single women who long to be married and to have children more than anything in the world. I think this time of year can be especially hard with Christmas coming up. For some of you, it may be wise to not look at Facebook much and to avoid some of your bigger triggers. And, if this issue is a big trigger for you – you may want to wait to read this post when you have time to be alone and to seek God and pray privately  – not right before you dash out the door to work!

I am praying for each of you who is deeply hurting over the desire for a baby – married or single!

MY STORY

Honestly, I see now that I made having a baby too important both times we had our children. I wanted a baby so much! I didn’t really put as much weight on any objections or concerns Greg may have had as I did on my own desires to have a baby. (How horrible that sounds to my ears now!!!) I wanted a baby and I wanted one ASAP. I just “knew” it was God’s will and that Greg needed to accept that and cooperate with everything I wanted to do. I expected and demanded that he submit to me, when it came down to it – although I didn’t see what I was doing at the time. I so regret my approach back then! I put so much pressure on my husband. 🙁

How I wish I had laid my dream for a baby at the feet of God, and allowed God to work on my husband’s heart to create this desire in him. How I wish I had been patient and that I had been willing to obey God’s Word for me as a wife whether or not Greg was excited about having a baby. If I had given him more time, I believe he would have been much more on board and the experience would have been so much more of a delight, blessing, joy, and gift for both of us. Greg does love our children dearly and is a fantastic father. But, I did not approach him about having a baby in the most constructive way. My approach created tension and division.

After our second baby, the doctor said it was not safe for me to have another baby. I understand the desire for more children. I know the sacrifice of laying down this dream and receiving God’s will for me, whatever that might be, even if it means no more children. I also understand the pain and ache of wanting a baby and not being able to have one because of circumstances we faced earlier in our marriage. We did not have our first child until we had been married 7 years. We faced the constant questions every week about when we were going to have children. I cried a lot of tears for many years over this issue. I remember the pain of people’s comments and the tension this issue caused in our marriage very vividly.

If I really, really want a baby, that is a good desire. Babies are gifts from God. God loves babies and He is sovereign over every person who is created.

But, I need to be careful not to let my desire for a baby become more important to me than my desire for Christ, my contentment in Him, my obedience to God’s Word, my husband, or my marriage covenant.

Here are the most common idols I see among married women and single women in the church today –  (An idol is something we put above God in our hearts that we want more than anything else. Sometimes they are very good things, the issue is where we put them in our priorities):

If you are confused about how wanting a baby could be an idol, I invite you to search my home page for the words “idol,” and “idolatry.” I also invite you to check out the post “Submission (to God) Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely.”

Some great tests for whether something  has become an idol in my heart:

  • Do I believe I MUST have this thing or I cannot be satisfied in life?
  • Do I respond with major FEAR at the thought of not having the thing I want so much?
  • Am I willing to spend lots of time, money, and resources and sacrifice important relationships in my life to have this thing?
  • Am I willing to be content in Christ alone even if God decides not to give me what I want?

“HOW DO I HANDLE MY DESIRE FOR A BABY IN A WAY THAT HONORS MY HUSBAND AND GOD?”

Here are my suggestions (other wives are welcome to share things that have blessed them as they tackled this issue):

  • Write down your desire for a baby in your prayer journal. Ask God for His will. Tell Him how much you long to have a baby and how much you desire to be a mother. But then wrestle until you can get to the place where you can say sincerely to Him, “Yet not my will, but Yours be done.” That is submission to the Lordship of God.
  • Share your desire to have a baby with your husband in a friendly, positive, brief way – probably once.
  • Let God work in your husband’s heart and please do not pressure or push your husband about this! It may take time for him to get used to the idea. That has to be ok. If you try to force him into having a child, he may end up resenting you and possibly even the child. I want your husband to be on board with this idea and for him to be a willing participant. Please, please do not make a comment to him every time you see a baby or see someone announce a pregnancy. Don’t try to push babies on him. It’s ok to share sometimes that you feel sad because you would love to be a mother (or have another baby) one day. But the more you try to make your husband want a baby, the more you will repel him and the more he will feel disrespected and like you are trying to control him. Let me mention, if you talk about this once a month, that will feel like a LOT to most husbands. This may be something to bring up only occasionally, according to God’s Spirit’s flea prompting, especially if it is a very sensitive topic for your husband.
  • Listen to his concerns. Make sure that he knows that you value and care about his feelings, priorities, desires and concerns and that his thoughts are at least as important to you as your own feelings on this issue.
  • Rehearse Scripture and God’s commands for you as a wife. Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3. Read James 1 and James 4 any time you start to feel discouraged. Focus on Philippians 4:4-8 and Philippians 4:13.
  • Hold your dream loosely and allow God to work in His sovereignty to accomplish this dream.
  • Be willing to wait and be willing to be content even without children. Jesus is sufficient. We can absolutely be content in Him alone even if we don’t have all of the things we want in this world.
  • Seek God’s will far above your own will. He knows what is best.
  • Remember that your covenant relationship of marriage is the most important and sacred of human relationships. Scripture does not allow for divorce because a husband doesn’t want a baby or because of infertility. It may be wise not to talk with a lot of people about your desire for a baby, because there are plenty of women who will counsel you to “just divorce your husband if he doesn’t want a baby.” That is not at all Scriptural. That would be sin on our part to divorce for that reason. There are very few biblically acceptable reasons for divorce. There are also a lot of women who, even if they don’t encourage you to divorce, will attempt to insert themselves into your marriage to tell you what to do or to tell you what you need to make your husband do if you share this issue. Not helpful. That just adds more stress and pressure to your husband, your marriage, and to you, in my view.
  • Don’t spend a lot of time marinating on your dream until your husband gives you the green light. I think that only makes us want a baby even more. If I am feeding my mind with articles from Baby and parenting magazines, looking at baby clothes and baby furniture a few times a week online, picking out names, focusing on the women around me who have babies, etc… I can make myself (and my husband) absolutely miserable. I may need to get off of Facebook and not go to baby sites online and avoid the baby department at the store. I do much better when I focus on Christ and on becoming the woman He desires me to be and on being in the center of His will today than if I become consumed with a particular desire that is not about Jesus.
  • Do not allow any bitterness or resentment to build in your heart – that is TOXIC and can easily destroy  your marriage and ruin your fellowship with God.
  • Focus on today, not the future. It is entirely possible to become so absorbed with “When will we have children?” “Will I ever get to be a mother?” “When will my husband change his mind?” that we can completely miss out on the gifts we have today in the present. How can I cherish my husband today if I am worrying about 2 years from now? Jesus commands us not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough troubles of its own (Matthew 6:34).
  • Focus on delighting in the will of God, whatever that might be. I would love for us not to attempt to put God in a box. “It HAS to be this one way, God, or I will not be ok.” I would love for us to say, “Here is what I long for, but I trust You to know what is best for us and I can’t wait to see what You have in store for us!”
  • Focus on the fact that God’s wisdom and timing are infinitely greater than ours.
  • Read about the women of the Old and New Testament who were barren. God used that long time of infertility to refine their faith and to make the gift of a baby even more precious when He brought it about in His time for His purposes.
  • Don’t allow whether you have children or not to define you as a woman or believer. Your primary identity is in Christ, not in whether you are married or not or whether you have children or not.
  • Be prepared for insensitive comments from well-meaning family and friends. These can easily be triggers that can make you want to lash out in resentment at your husband. That is destructive. Be prepared to respond with something like, “Babies are such a gift. We will certainly let you know if/when we have any news. Thanks.” You may even have to set up boundaries and say something like, “That is a topic I would rather not talk about, please. How about you pray for us for God’s will about children.” And then change the subject.
  • When a friend announces her pregnancy, or you see moms with babies at the store – you may feel sad. You may need to journal your thoughts. If you have a godly wife mentor or godly wife friend, you may be able to talk with her about it and she may be willing to sympathize and then point you back to Christ and to obedience to His Word.
  • Don’t let the idea of a baby become more important to you than Jesus, obeying God’s Word, your marriage covenant, or your husband. If God desires you to have a baby, He is sovereign. He can bring a baby about at just the perfect time if it is His will.
  • I believe that the whole birth control thing makes this decision so much more complicated than it would have normally been in most generations in the past – this is my perspective at this point in my life. I have some posts on that linked below. If you believe God wants you to come off of birth control, maybe you can share this series below with your husband, if God prompts you to. Or, you can simply pray for God to change your husband’s heart if it is His will for you to come off of birth control. If you have moral objections to birth control, maybe you can calmly share those concerns with your husband (probably just once, or rather rarely, when God prompts you to share) and give him some time to think about your concerns and see what he says.

SHARE:

If having a baby has been an idol for you, I’d love to hear your story.

If you have pressured your husband to have children, and regret doing so, I would love for  you to share your story in the comments.

If God has given you the strength to handle this issue gracefully in a way that honors Him and your husband, I would love for you to share your story, too.

I would also appreciate some of the gentlemen sharing their masculine thoughts on this issue that may help us understand our husbands better in this area.

RELATED:

A Wife Examines the Hidden Motives Behind Her Desire for Children

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

My Secret Idol

The Idol of Happiness

The Birth Control Issue – Part 1

“My Husband Refuses to Have Children with Me!?!”

Bitterness

I Am Responsible for My Emotions

I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually

Fear Fuels Our Need to Control

What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman

Godly Femininity

You can also search my home page for “control,” “idol” and/or “idolatry.”

 

61 thoughts on ““I Want a Baby, but My Husband Doesn’t Want One Right Now. What Do I Do?”

  1. I wanted to wait a year to concentrate on our new life. I never should have got married in the first place so maybe I am not a good example to use. Being a cop I had already seen many dead, abused, raped, divorced children. God gave me all the warning signs and I didn’t listen. She wanted a baby before marriage. She slept with a friend when I was in the hospital with fractures in my neck and back and skull. She told me the next day. Her female roommate, a mutual friend told me it was just to get pregnant. I stuck my head in the sand so desperately hurt by this beautiful girl I loved. I was scared to marry. Being messed up and so lonely, we met with the pastor who eventually married us and I got forgiveness and forgetting messed up as the same. She promised no pressure about children until I was ready. I so desperately wanted to be a part if it and be a good father. We married. It started immediately. She left me a month later for the first time. I gave in scared of what she might do. Then again. I love our children so very much, did the best I could, worked three jobs one being a cop so she could stay hone with them as she wanted. Later that turned to I didn’t spend enough time with them. I no longer existed. 25 years later she left for good, history was rewritten. My children will not talk to me because they have listened to the lies. Men want children too, but nit pressured and replaced by. I’m am so lonely now. 58, major heart disease pre abandonment, cancer now. I was robbed of being a real father. So, women if you pressure and push, well you know. Men, if you give in for the wrong reasons you will pay the most horrible pain. I say this I think free of resentment now. But not free of a broken heart in several ways. The pain is nearly unbearable. Please at least consider what happened in my life. I pray that my suffering will help someone see what God wants and what an awesome responsibility it is, and what a true blessing it could be if done His way. Too late for me, but not for others.

    1. John,

      I want to touch on an important point you made here. You worked 3 jobs so that your wife could stay home with the children, but then later, were told you weren’t there enough. This is a message I don’t want us to send to our husbands, ladies!

      John – I don’t want to send you into a-fib,, my brother – so, please use your discretion in reading this next part as I talk with wives about how we could approach a similar situation in a different way for those whose husbands are working hard to provide for their families and are not home a lot.

      ———-

      If our husbands are working so that we can stay home – that is a HUGE act of love and self-sacrifice. It is our job, in my view, to hold our husbands (our children’s fathers) in high regard and esteem and to build that bridge and trust for our children with their dad. So, we can say things like, “Daddy is working so hard because he loves all of us so much. Isn’t Daddy so amazing that he would work so much so that I can be here with y’all? He loves you dearly. Let’s think about a treat we can make for him when he comes home. He’s going to be so tired. But, maybe we can make him some pictures or some of his favorite cookies.”

      A wife/mom has incredible power to give her children the gift of loving their Daddy – even if he is not home a lot because of work. She can say positive things about him. She can speak about him and to him respectfully. She can show honor to him as the head of the home. She can do everything in her power to make his life easier and more enjoyable when he is home. She can singlehandedly choose to give her children the gift of their father’s love or she can poison her children against their own father. How I long for each of us to bless and build the relationships between our husbands and our children!

      For more ideas, please check out “Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers.”

    2. Hello John,
      I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I am newly married (17 months) and have been pressuring my husband to have children. He has finally decided that we will never have children and I resented him for that. After reading this blog entry and the comments, I see my error. I made having more children my idol and worshiped this idea constantly. Instead of trusting in God and honoring and respecting my husband as a gift and person — not a baby maker — I…nagged and complained and disrespected him. Though the pain is still present, I feel that I am better equipped because:

      1) God’s will is paramount. He may bless me with more children or not. Ultimately, He has the best for me and his plans are to prosper me, not to harm me.

      2) I am seeking after God first. My primary goal in life should always be to seek a relationship with my savior. Once I start chasing after another desire, I have placed Him in the back seat.

      3) My husband, after having had a child, may have grown to resent me or even the child. The joy of creating a life, together, would’ve been stripped from the both of us. I don’t want that.

      I will continue to study, pray and submit to my husband as unto the Lord. I thank you for your words; they are eye opening and encouraging. I am praying for you, John. Your latter will be greater than your past.

      ~ Peace

  2. Hi April.
    We were unable to have children until God gave us the miracle of embryo adoption. We were given 6 embryos. One of them is our precious 2 year and ten months old daughter Hannah. Three of the embryos did not survive and we now have 2 embryos left for us to try and have another baby or give back to the donor family. I will be 44 in Jan and hubby is 52. Pregnancy and newborn stage were not easy to say the least, but I so want another baby. I feel like God gave us these teeny tiny babies. My husband feels we are old and the pregnancy and newborn stage were hard. So thank you, thank you for this post. I have been saying to God, I am waiting on you to lead us through my husband. But I bring it up about monthly so I can improve there. Every year we pay a lot to store the embryos so a decision will have to be made. Thank you, this post, as always, was perfectly God timed.

    1. Stephanie,

      Congratulations on your sweet baby girl!!!! Technology today makes this issue much more difficult, too. We have so many more choices and options. But, sometimes that increases the stress and makes things more complicated.

      I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and that you might approach this important issue with unity. I know that once a month seems like “hardly ever bringing up” the issue to a wife, but for a husband, it can feel “constant.” You will have some difficult decisions to make. I pray that you might be willing to hear your husband’s concerns and his heart and respectfully share your heart, desires, ideas, and concerns, as well.

      Much love to you! Thank you so much for sharing!

  3. I might add that I so much wanted to give her what she wanted, but I felt very strongly about being involved, being a good husband and father. I knew that if I was not ready it would not go right. I disobeyed God and put my wife first in my life. So I accept responsibility. I do and did understand the differences in women that God designed women and men differently. But please, I really can’t find the words to express how important it is for the children for Mom and Dad to be ready and do it Gods way. So important. I don’t know if I am making sense, no sleep , sorry. This post struck a damaged part of me. I miss our children so much. It’s almost Christmas again, the third one with them gone.

    1. John,

      What you have shared is powerful. May the Lord use your testimony for the good of His Kingdom. I am so sorry for your pain and for the added sadness that you feel during Christmas. I have just prayed for you, for comfort in Christ, peace that passes all understanding, healing for your relationships with your children and for the All-Sufficient grace of the Lord to sustain you.

      “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge ,my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:2-3

      In His Grace,
      Martha

    2. John,

      My dear brother! I think you are making sense. Thank you for sharing your story and for describing how much many husbands want to be involved and part of having children and how much husbands want to do a good job and want to do things right. I pray your story might bless many other men and women and that it might help wives to think a bit more about how their husbands may look at things, that they might be patient and be willing to wait on God and their husbands and do this together as a team instead of pressuring or trying to force children on their husbands before they are ready.

      How I pray for healing for you spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically – and for healing for your children and your wife. I pray for God to make something beautiful from this situation for His glory.

    3. “I disobeyed God and put my wife first in my life.”

      I would appreciate you writing about how when The Church/Christian women try to force men to give them what they want/”make them our #1 priority”/”make them happy,” and judge our (men’s) “Godliness” and “our character” by our submission to their desires.

      If men give women whatever they want, then we are considered “godly,” but if we don’t give them even one little thing they desire, then their “unhappiness” is “proof” that we have “character issues,” and are therefore “ungodly.”

      The church often twists female unhappiness into male “character flaws” – even when our obedience to the bible “makes women unhappy.”

      Many Christian women believe they are solely “capable” (defined as “holy enough” by their own standards) to interpret the bible, and anything contradicting their “interpretation”/”understanding”/”wisdom” (selfish desires) reflects negatively upon our “character” and “godliness.”

      Personally, all this unfounded and biased character assassination grows tiresome. Why should men need to use the bible to defend their own biblical conduct to their girlfriends/wives?! Why should men always need to prove they are right or justified before women decide to follow?!

      1. RG,
        Sadly, I used to think just like you are describing here, and didn’t see my sin at all. 🙁

        Tomorrow I have a post about whether a wife has the right in God’s sight to punish her husband for not doing what she wants him to do or for sinning against her. I will be addressing some of these things and I have addressed quite a few of these themes before. I will definitely prayerfully consider how else God may desire me to write about these important topics.

        Thanks for your comment, my brother!

      2. Husbands sometimes do put their wives above God just like wives sometimes put their husbands above God. Whenever we do this – put someone or something above God in our lives – we destroy that relationship or that thing destroys us. That is what idolatry does.

        Sometimes wives look to husbands to meet needs that only God can meet. Sometimes women look to children/babies to meet needs that only God can really meet. Sometimes husbands look to wives for their fulfillment, contentment, purpose, acceptance, and to meet their deepest needs that only God can meet. This always leads to misery.

        Many, many husbands I have communicated with put their wives’ happiness above God. They will do almost anything to make their wives happy. That is not ok! God must come first. Husbands can bless their wives. But husbands are not responsible for their wives’ happiness. We are each responsible for our own emotions and spiritual growth in Christ. We can only find true contentment, peace, acceptance, love, joy, purpose, and satisfaction in Christ alone.

        I would love for wives understand that their husbands generally want to make them happy – and that is a blessing. But a husband’s first responsibility is to please Christ, not to please his wife. A wife’s happiness or a wife receiving what she wants at the moment is never more important than her husband obeying God and being fully submitted to Him. And, sometimes, in the moment, we can’t see clearly what God may be calling our husbands to do. This is where we can trust God’s sovereignty to lead us through our husbands, if our husbands are not asking us to clearly sin, and we can trust that God will use our husbands’ decisions for our ultimate good and His glory. We can rest and trust in God’s sovereignty as we walk in obedience to Him. We don’t have to be held captive to our emotions and worldly desires, praise God!

  4. Tears, healing but hurting. I did not go into a fib April, but thanks for the consideration! but waiting to go to the cancer center again, really sick. Thank you April and Martha for your encouragement and prayers. Thank you Jesus for loving me so so much no matter how much I fail

    1. John,

      If I were there in person, I could watch your face and know when I needed to stop talking! But it is hard to know how you are doing when we are typing back and forth online. How can we pray for you specifically today?

      I’m so terribly sorry you are so sick! Will be taking you to the Father in prayer again in just a moment.

  5. This is a very difficult topic for me. Although I have tried to lay it at Jesus’ feet, it still makes me cry.

    I don’t have any children, and I am 36. I want to put on the breaks, as 40 looms in my future. My hubby is older than me and he has grown children.

    One thing I think about all the time is being old and all alone. I pray God will allow me to take care of myself in my old age. I realize this might sound selfish, but I don’t mean it that way. I picture older people surrounded by lots of children and grandchildren, in a home filled with love. I suppose there are two idols here – children and a “Hallmark” family.

    And I also feel like my life has no purpose without children. I feel as though parenting is the most noble thing, especially in a woman’s life. I believe in our society women are defined by mothering and many people look down on those who never had children. I realize I probably offend God by thinking my life has no purpose, and I am sorry about that.

    I know God is bigger than this “failure” and I know He causes everything to work together for good, but it’s still so hard!!!

    Sorry, but that’s all I can say about it now, due to the tears that just writing this had caused!

    Hugs! 🙂

    1. blesseddagutherofaking,

      My precious sister!!! God feels your pain! And so many of us sympathize and empathize with that ache for children. This is a very sensitive and painful issue for many, many women. In fact, I know you are speaking for hundreds of other women who will be reading this post later today and in the future. You are not alone at all in this pain and desire.

      I know some women who even become suicidal about it – which completely breaks my heart. “I don’t want to live if I can’t have a husband and children! I would rather die!””My life has no purpose if I have no husband or children.” But – obviously – that is a lie!!!! This mindset is not from God at all. God has great purpose for each of us. His glory. What greater purpose could there be for a human being?

      He knows your heart’s desires. He knows the future. He knows the best way to get to the place He desires you to go. He is the Good Shepherd, who lays down His life for His beloved sheep. He knows where the best still water and green grass is. He knows how to care for his wounded and sick ones. He holds the broken hearted close to His own heart.

      You are not forgotten, my sweet sister. You are not forsaken. God has GOOD plans for you!

      God has plans for you to know Him more and more intimately. He has plans for you to be one with Him. And He has plans to pour out His love through you to other people. Maybe it will be your own children. Maybe it will be other people’s children. I have no idea! But – God is right here beside you – hurting with you as you hurt, waiting for you to reach out to Him in total trust.

      I would like for you to write down all of these thoughts and concerns and ideas you are telling yourself sometime. In detail. And then, ask God to help you challenge your thinking and to replace any wrong thinking with His truth from Scripture. If you need help, I’m right here!

      Parenting is a nobel thing. But – living for God and walking in the center of His will is even more nobel! Whatever His will may be.

      I love the illustration I heard recently about a girl who signed her name to a piece of paper. She said, “I am signing right here that I want God’s will and I am willing to do whatever it will be.” The paper was blank. We don’t get to know God’s will ahead of time. God desires us to trust Him FIRST. Then we get to see little glimpses of His will one step at a time.

      God’s plans for you are GOOD.

      It is a great day to begin to change your thinking about God, yourself, your will, your goals, your plans – and to lay all of these good desires down before Him. I would love for you to wrestle with these things until you are able to say, “God, I want to have children. You know my heart for children. But, more than children, I want You. And more than children, I want Your will. I lay my dream before You. And I pick up my cross and die to myself, my dreams, my will, my plans, my fears, my desires, my concerns, my goals… I choose Your will. Whatever it may be. Whatever will bring you the most glory – I am fully Yours. Use my life for that. I know I will never be without love, because I have You! And I know that You will always give me people to love. I do not have to fear being alone. You will never leave me or forsake me. And You will love others through me. You will bring people into my life in Your timing for Your purposes to be accomplished. You will direct my paths. You are sovereign – even over my husband. You can lead me through him, even though he is imperfect. This is one of the biggest tests of my faith, Lord. But I want to be faithful to You. Empower me to be obedient and submitted fully to Your will. Even if it hurts right now and I can’t see or understand right now. I trust You. I seek You with all my heart. I trust You with my dreams. I know Your dreams are so much greater than my dreams. I seek Your will far above my own. I trust Your wisdom that is infinitely greater than mine. I can’t wait to see all that You have in store for me, Lord! I lay down my fears. I lay down my burdens. I praise You and thank You for all that You will do in my life!!!!”

      I am sending you a huge hug, my precious, precious sister!

      I’m so glad we can walk this road together. 🙂

      1. PS,
        I added just a bit more of my own story to the post. I can relate to the pain you are experiencing. Our circumstances we’re not the same, but I can absolutely relate. It is ok to cry about this. You are welcome and loved here, we will be glad to cry wtih you! I am always here if you want to talk about things. Much love to you!!

        1. Thank you so much, April! Perhaps my attempts to lay this at Jesus’ feet have been halfhearted. So I will definitely follow your suggestions and work through this. And I know I also need to control my thoughts better, as well. Too easily I allow myself to sink into these feelings. You are right – I need to trust God and His Word. By harboring my pain, I am not exhibiting faith in God.

          Thank you for sharing the illustration of signing the blank page. I love that! And I aim to be like that and completely put my life in His hands.

          I went back and read what you added to the post. Thank you for sharing that!! I know the pain you felt. But I am so happy that you are now at a place of peace.

          And THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this reply! I will keep revisiting all of this and hammering through it!

          Blessings!! 🙂

          1. blesseddaughterofaking,

            I know that for me – I have to get to the place on every single issue, fear, and desire in my life where I can lay it down before God – no strings attached. I have to get to the point where I am willing to be content with or without what I want – as long as I get to have Jesus. This is what is involved in dying to self and daily picking up our cross and following Christ as Lord.

            My friend, Joy-Filled Days, shared this on FB yesterday. This is the kind of devotion, consecration, love, selflessness, and sacrifice that is worthy of our Lord:

            The Triumph of John and Betty Stam is one of my favorite books. Her prayer, cuts me to the core.

            “Lord, I give up all my own plans and purpose
            All my own desires and hopes
            And accept Thy will for my life.
            I give myself, my life, my all
            Utterly to Thee to be Thine forever.
            Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit
            Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt
            And work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost now and forever.”

            She had to leave her baby in the crib as the communists dragged her and her husband out of the house and outside to their execution.

            ———

            This life is so short. None of us know what is in store for us. But how I pray God will empower us to be faithful to Him like this precious couple. How I long for us to see more and more examples like this – men and women – willing to sacrifice ALL for Jesus, no matter what the personal cost.

            There are times you will absolutely be sad about this. And there will be times to share your heart’s desire with God, and, even with your husband. But – our God is sovereign. And our God is worthy of our trust, obedience, and submission. He is worthy of all of ourselves and way more than we could ever give.

            I invite you to lay down your pain, your fears, your concerns, your dreams, your plans, your will, your desires… and let God decide what to do with them. He may give them back to you. He may not. He may have bigger plans than you can imagine. They may be painful for a time. But, how I pray you will seek His glory and His perfect will in your life whatever it may be.

            I would personally love to adopt a child or children. I left that dream at Jesus’ feet years ago. I mention it to Him every once in awhile. But in the mean time, I am busy serving and loving and obeying what God has for me to do today in my current circumstances. My God is so powerful, He can change my husband’s heart and give him a heart for adoption if He wants to. I trust that He can and will do that if it is His will for us to have children. I don’t have to try to force my way or verbally push my husband into anything. My God is also so powerful, He can change circumstances and cause children to fall into our laps if He wants to. I trust Him completely with this dream and desire. I believe it is a good desire. I believe that it would honor Him for us to adopt. And I trust Him with this. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I just look with great anticipation to see what each new day will hold and what direction God has for me today. His sovereignty gives me so much peace. I know He can give you that same peace, as well, my precious, beautiful sister.

            It will take time to wrestle through these thoughts, feelings, desires, and ideas. That is ok. Take all the time you need. Go deep. Go slowly. Allow God to expose every thought and motive of your heart and to examine it under the blazing light of His Word and truth. Allow Him to transform you – to remove anything He doesn’t want to be in your soul – and to replace it with anything that He sees is good.

            Much love to you!

          2. Thank you again, April! What powerful stories you shared – your own story regarding adoption and the one that Joy-Filled Days had shared. They both moved me so! After looking back over my original comment, I can see where some other idols might be (the paragraph regarding having a purpose and being defined as a mother). Also, while reading through the comments of other readers, as well as your replies to them, I also realized that I usually feel jealousy when I hear about pregnancies and babies. So there are a lot of things I need to tackle and turn over to Jesus! Thank you so much for walking me through this. You are such a blessing! 🙂

          3. blesseddaughterofaking,

            We often do have many idols. And the scary thing is – we often don’t recognize it. I think it is a fantastic idea to comb through your motives and to ask God to help you see any idols.

            Yes, defining “purpose” so narrowly that it only includes motherhood – is not God’s definition of “purpose” in our lives as believers. That is a very good catch. And yes, many women who want to have a baby feel intense jealousy when they see other women who are pregnant, or who have babies. That is pretty normal. But it is definitely toxic. There are issues of jealousy, bitterness, and resentment to deal with so that we don’t poison our souls, our fellowship with God, our friendships, and our marriages.

            Something else that stuck out to me was the issue of you not wanting to be “old and alone.” That is something to prayerfully comb through, as well. Having children does not guarantee you that you will be surrounded by loving family when you are old or that they will care for you. There are plenty of people who have children whose children are not nearby or who do not visit them or take care of them when they are old and sick. Placing those kinds of expectations on a child is probably a recipe for disappointment. Is it possible that a child would take care of you when you are old? Yes. Maybe. But, ultimately, our trust must be in God to provide for us out of His love, His sovereignty, His goodness, and His power.

            Idols are so dangerous. They destroy us. Whatever we have as our idol – it will poison us. I have seen women who continue to have their children as the most important thing in their lives. They want their children to be happy all the time – without regard for future consequences or for discipline and teaching responsibility. What a dangerous thing. Or they want to find their identity through their children – which can smother and crush a child’s spirit. A woman who has her children as an idol will destroy those children, damage her marriage, and ruin her fellowship with Christ. When marriage is our idol – we destroy our marriages. When our husbands are our idols, we become needy, insatiable, black holes to them and we repel them. When being thin is our idol, we can destroy our health with anorexia or bulimia. When wealth is our idol, we can destroy our relationships as we pursue money above all else.

            Idols destroy us. They destroy those we love. They ruin our fellowship with God. They rob us of the peace, joy, and power and fruit of God’s Spirit. We cannot and will not find contentment in anything but Christ. God makes sure of that. And it is a good thing. Idols create great fear, anxiety, and a need for us to try to have control. Of course, we don’t actually have much control. It is an illusion.

            How much better to put our trust and faith in God, who really IS in control and who is sovereign, who knows the future, and who has all wisdom.

            I am excited about you wrestling through these issues. WOOHOO! This is wonderful!

            I’m right here if you get stuck. I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word and His power. 🙂

            Much love!

      2. Thank you for writing this as it has helped me also. I’m 34, no children and my husband is 39(no children) and is now saying he does not want them(he didn’t tell me this before we were married) so it is difficult for me to say the least. I’ve prayed for God just to remove this desire for children from my heart if it’s not going to happen for me but it got even stronger. I’m in a difficult marriage already and there’s a lot of controlling and manipulating from my husband who is very narcissistic and selfish so everything is his wants and his needs. It’s been very hard not to want to divorce but I’m trying to keep my commitment and trust God that he has a plan for this and me. It’s hard for us to do this because we know our clock is ticking and we feel the time could pass for us to ever have them. I’m even open to adopting if that’s Gods will for me one day, I just know my husband doesn’t want that either. I’ve been praying and dealing with this for 5 years now. Some days I feel like giving up ever thinking things will get better or my hurt will change. I truly don’t talk about it anymore with him because I don’t feel it would even be wise to bring a child into this destructive situation with a father who didn’t really want them or will show no interest in them. I would rather be childless than have a child have to feel that way. Anyway, I will keep praying and keep trusting Gods will and timing. I will pray for all of you also that are struggling. God bless.

  6. This article really hits home. By the time our child was 2 years old, my wife kept saying it was time for another child. But after some years of her disrespect and unsubmission to my leadership and countless threats of divorce against me, I could not envision it wise to bring another child willingly into the family. Then after a huge violent outburst and strong threat of divorce (in front of our crying child), she basically sealed her own fate.
    Why bring another child into the family, if the marriage is so unstable already? Her action eventually was to refuse me sexually for three full years, and she also tried to prevent me from seeing her nude and she refused all kisses and hugs and any touch at all, and no meals in the same room with me. Even in public places she pulled away from my arms. What kind of loving marriage was that?? I always wondered what the bystanders thought of us.
    It appeared to be not much more than an economic partnership. Any wife who punishes her husband like that leaves a lot to be desired. And such a wife makes it so easy for the husband to look elsewhere for affection and affirmation and respect. Her overall attitude is still this: “Nobody can tell me what to do….”

    1. Robert,

      Wow.

      This breaks my heart. I can certainly understand why you had concerns about bringing another child into the family. How I pray for God to intervene and bring healing to your wife, your marriage and yourself. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope wives are listening and are willing to hear your heart and your warning.

      Ladies,
      I know that this is an extreme example, but, my prayer is that you might be able to put yourself in a husband’s shoes and imagine how effective this method would be in convincing a husband to have another baby. What would a husband in this situation be left to conclude about his wife’s respect for him, her love for him, and the stability of the marriage? If he had fears before about having a second baby, what would her approach do to those fears now?

      The way to encourage a husband to consider having another baby is to show him genuine, unconditional respect, kindness, love, affection, cooperation, honor, loyalty, and unconditional love – and to genuinely care more about him and about God than about having another baby. I am not talking about being fake. I am talking about allowing God to radically change our hearts and regenerate our lives. Let’s never threaten divorce, my precious sisters!!! Let’s never yell, scream, or become violent to try to force our way. Let’s seek to become the women God calls us to be and lay our will down before God, trusting Him to bring about what is best for us. There may be some cases where a husband still has concerns. But, turning on our husbands in hatred and seeking to punish them by completely withholding all affection, love, attention and sex is a very destructive and extremely self-sabotaging approach. I don’t want any of us to be the foolish women who tear their houses down with their own hands, but let us be wise women who build up our homes, families and marriages. (Prov. 14:1)

  7. My husband and I had a miscarriage about a month ago, and it was seriously awful. I know many of the ladies on this site have been through the same thing and my heart goes out to you!

    I am not proud of the way I have handled this grieving process. Instead of having a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight, I was loud and obnoxious. This past month I….

    1. was quite irritated by the way my emotionally stable husband handles grief. He didn’t usually respond, never cried, and didn’t say anything about it on his own. I was frequently tempted to feel hurt or lash out because it seemed from my hormonal perspective like my husband was a heartless jerk. (“We should have had a memorial for them or something. What is wrong with us? We are just totally ignoring those lives!”)
    2. obsessively researched supplements and vitamins and things I could take to somehow gain “control” over the situation and prevent us from miscarrying again (supposedly I have low progesterone) and consulted with my husband about every little detail (“Hey babe! I just read that ascorbic acid is not the same thing as vitamin C! Maybe I need to get more REAL vitamin C! This study says…”)
    3. instead of trying to protect my husband from jealousy, repeatedly pointed out all of our friends who got pregnant (three of our friends have announced pregnancies in the past few weeks), have gotten pregnant in the past, might get pregnant in the future, people who got pregnant on TV shows, as well as all of the well meaning people who ask us when we will get pregnant. (“Guess who ELSE is pregnant? You won’t even believe it.” “Did you see so and so’s baby announcement? I am NOT putting that on our refrigerator.” “Did you hear what my Aunt said? She said we should think about having a baby! People are so clueless!”)
    4. bemoaned the fact that my husband gets to eat yummy food while I have put myself on a restricted “conception friendly” diet of no sugar and lots of fruits and vegetables. (“Well I would like to eat that spaghetti and meatballs too, but that meat has hormones in it, so I guess I’m stuck with another meal of turkey and kale…”)
    5. pointed out all the insensitive comments that were made every time I went in to the doctor’s office for follow up blood tests and exams. (“You would not BELIEVE what the receptionist said today! She asked me when my next ultrasound will be. Our baby died! Clearly she cannot read my charts! Oh my gosh!”)
    6. took anything anyone said about children as a personal offense. (“At the Mom’s Day Out event at church they said that single people were welcome to help babysit while the parents have the evening free. What, like single people are the only people without kids???? What’s that supposed to mean??”)
    7. tortured myself by signing up to serve in the children’s ministry, babysit for friends, and make a 6 hour drive to see a friend who had a baby last year and is pregnant again. It only churned up resentment about our loss and I should have drawn a temporary boundary to avoid children for a bit for my husband’s and my own sanity. (“Gahhh!! Why are there babies everywhere???”)
    8. spent exorbitant amounts of time researching miscarriages, progesterone, adoption, etc. instead of being productive and taking care of my responsibilities around the house. (“Oh shoot. I’m sorry your uniform isn’t washed, I was on the computer.”)
    9. was in a very sick way almost glad to have something to complain about, so I went to the extreme and started proclaiming doom over our future. (“We will NEVER have kids because clearly my blood tests are awful, plus we could NEVER adopt because of all the adoption scandals and the crazy expense of it all, and not only that but we could NEVER foster because you’re in the military and we move a lot, and therefore we should just let go of the whole being parents thing.”) Ouch!

    I have a lot to repent for, to both God and my husband. To my husband preferably in a simple way, once, with a lot less words, as April thankfully reminds us 🙂

    I know that part of this behavior was due to the crazy drop in hormones as my body readjusted from the pregnancy, and then as I got my first period it was pretty nuts too. But another part of it was simply baby idol worship. I have so much to be thankful for. It is sad that it took me a whole month to gain that perspective.

    Children or no children, I don’t even want to think about it anymore. This last month has been such an ugly reflection of my obsession, and I am done with that. If we did have a healthy pregnancy with my heart in this condition I would feel like a greedy spoiled little girl who got an expensive new toy by screaming and whining for it. How ugly is that? Instead I simply want to meditate on verses like this: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

    Note: The one good thing I did do was GET OFF FACEBOOK! Satan used that thing against me like no tomorrow. It has only been 3 weeks since I deactivated my account and I legitimately have Facebook withdrawals 🙂 But I have a lot less opportunity to get jealous of all those wonderful healthy pregnancies, and I highly recommend deactivating your Facebook account if this is a challenge for you too!

    1. Daisy,

      Wow! THANK YOU for sharing this, my precious sister! I am SO VERY SORRY about your loss. I am praying for you both!!!

      But how thankful I am for your willingness to share what you have been doing and how you have been thinking, feeling, and acting. For a husband, living with a hormonal, emotional, pregnant woman is extremely difficult. But, I would imagine that things would be so much worse when you add grief on top of that. I’m sure it is no fun to be the hormonal woman, either, as I know very well, myself!

      I’m really glad you are realizing that men handle grief like this in a different way. Not wrong – just different. And people with different personalities also handle grief in different ways. Your husband is not an insensitive jerk. He may just rather not make a big deal of things – because it may be too painful. I am so glad you are seeing that it is ok for him to handle things differently from how you do.

      I know that hearing about pregnancies will be very painful for you for quite awhile. I pray God will give you wisdom and strength to deal with information like that and people’s insensitive or untimely comments. I definitely understand your desire to research and figure everything out. You are so much like me! But – I can also see where taking a break from all of that could be a really good thing for awhile.

      When you are ready – I would love to do a post about this some time. No pressure. No rush.

      I hope you will not torture yourself with taking care of babies at church, or babysitting for friends, or visiting people with babies right now. I don’t think you are ready for that! And, maybe you could even take a break from the special diet and just give yourself some time to relax, rest, heal, be still before God, and enjoy your husband. Those are my suggestions, my sweet sister – of course, that is entirely up to you. 🙂

      I LOVE LOVE LOVE what God is doing in your heart! I am so excited about what He has in store for you. I am glad that you can see your obsession. I’m also glad you are off of FB. That was smart!

      Sending you the biggest hug, my sweet girl!!!

      Much love,
      April

    2. Daisy,

      I am so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry for your pain, my sweet sister. I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and your husband.

      With love in Christ,
      Becca

  8. Thank you so much for your response April! I feel less guilty for saying no to my friends with babies 🙂 And you are right, I am so very thankful that my husband handles grief differently than I do! It would be a nut house over here if we were both crying all the time 🙂 I think it is hard to know how to grieve respectfully. I’m trying to discern what it is that I should have done, and I think the biggest thing is I just needed to lock myself in my closet for awhile every day and spend extra extra extra time in prayer, journaling, and bible reading, meditating on God’s sovereignty and perfect timing and telling HIM all my concerns. I certainly wouldn’t have been so bitter and anxious. I think it would be great to have a post on this. Pregnancy loss is of course pretty common, and often a godly, respectful response is the last of our concerns when we are entirely focused on the miscarriage. But our husbands are still there and feel a lot of pain too, and we do not want to make it worse! I will take more time in prayer and get my head on straight, and then DEFINITELY let’s do it!

    1. Daisy,

      Yes – it is a blessing to have a husband who is not a total emotional wreck when we are, isn’t it? That wouldn’t really help anything. I can understand why God made men the leaders – these hormones we have sometimes cloud our vision so much.

      I think that spending LOTS and LOTS of time in prayer and in God’s Word and journaling is a fabulous idea! And, it may be that there is a godly girlfriend you can talk to about how hard it is to hear about other people’s pregnancies. Or, you can talk about that here. 🙂

      Grieving respectfully. Hmmm… That is a really interesting topic. I would love to look into that a lot more.

      Pregnancy loss is quite common. And, of course, there are people who lose children, as well. And there are people who deal with infertility issues (or just, conflict about having another baby, or even a first baby) which has its own kind of grief, too. A lot of the things you shared that you have been feeling in the past month are very similar to the issues that women who want to have a baby but can’t (for one reason or another) experience on a regular basis, as well.

      God’s sovereignty is such a source of peace for me. His wisdom, His timing, His love, His comfort, His sovereignty – those are wonderful things to focus on!

      Yes, take all the time you need. But I agree, let’s do a post together where I share your perspective and we can also share the things God shows you in the coming months. I am sure other women will have wisdom to share, as well. 🙂

      Husbands have feelings and grief during this time, too. And they have the unenviable position of watching their wives grieve and not being able to “fix it” which can be a pretty wretched feeling for a husband. I would love to talk about ways we can respect and bless our husbands during time of major trials and grief, as well as ways we can take better care of ourselves – physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

      Much love to you!!!!

  9. I feel hesitant but lead to share at length :

    The post about pornography and hormone rushes really got me to thinking about how my own choices have been influenced by hormone rushes and inner aches. The more I searched online the more I saw how women can be greatly affected by the surges in oxytocin (typically understood as the bonding hormone) and how even ruminating on particular (love) ideas might increase it. When I think back about starting a family so early with my spouse, my behavior shocks me. On the surface, I pushed for children because ‘we should be open to life’ and ‘why not’ since there’s never a perfect time for a baby. However, I really wanted little faces that looked like his in the event that he died (fear of abandonment d/t my own father dying when I was a baby) and I also wanted to ensure he was going nowhere even though at the time he gave me no reason to think he’d ever be unfaithful (again, fear of abandonment).

    I didn’t personally have the adult tools to go into deeper intimacy like embracing the time to know another person and being known. The closest I could get at the time was through having children. I wanted to be close to someone, to bond with them intimately. This was the way I knew how to do that and of course all the planning, the ruminating, the showers gave me full blast rushes of feeling loved while my poor husband faded to the background. He did not want children right away but his feelings on the matter were simply irrelevant to me. Looking back, I went after having children like a drug addict. Surely he’d change his mind once he saw that sweet little face looking up at him and he’d love me all the more- I reasoned to myself.

    Now that we have words for our feelings, wants, needs and it’s safer to express our fears and dreams we have opportunity for real intimacy. I now see sex, affection and romance as icing on this cake. But without the cake, it’s empty, distracting activity to fill in gaps for skills I don’t have. I entrapped my husband and as the years went on I found other, subtle ways to share my devaluing ‘love’ with my husband. If they weren’t subtle, I had a good Christian cover for it. No wonder he’d have an ongoing sense of being smothered or that I didn’t care about him. Yesterday I asked myself, have I really loved my husband or was he simply filling a spot so I felt loved? Granted, he also came into our marriage with difficulties, but I am sharing my part of our mess.

    If I had known then what I know now my husband also might’ve had a much more enriching experience with the births and early days of our children because they could’ve come out of the mutual respect and intimate love of our union. My rushing ahead for my own reasons absolutely took that away. Their births would not have been pursued to appease my own hunger for security and love. I simply had aches I didn’t know how else to fill and I legitimatized my actions. Now I also have the work of undoing some truly unhealthy coping behaviors that I’ve passed on to my children. Praise God I’m learning all this now while they are still young! Praise God I now know to turn to my Father for all my needs and am learning to walk in healing not brokenness!

    My husband deserves a wife who really loves and respects him. He has not shared much on this topic. He doesn’t have to and I haven’t pushed him. It had never occurred to me to ask myself why I wanted my babies and what was motivating that desire. Or even if something good is done for wrong reasons, how that does not make the end result good even if God can turn things around for our good. Funny what one can see when scales fall off the eyes. Thank you for allowing me to share.

    1. Refined,
      Wow!
      This is so powerful! Thank you very much for sharing what God has shown you. I wonder if you might allow me to share this as an anonymous post, please?

      It can be very difficult for us, in the moment, to see all of our hidden motives. We can convince ourselves we want something for the right reasons. But, it takes a very deep look under the light of God’s Word for us to see the real truth.

      I praise God for what He is doing in your life, my precious friend!

      1. April, If you think it could help, please do use this. Biblical submission has given me so much clarity! It has allowed me to see so much of my marriage onion. All these layers can feel overwhelming but also sobering. The foundation of respect towards my husband is allowing us both to heal as respect is the most basic form of love. For all of our issues it is real medicine. Thank you for holding my hand in this process. Year 2 in the journey is big!

        1. Refined,

          You are most welcome. It is a joy to watch all that God has done and is doing in your life! I am so thankful that God continues to peel back the layers and give you a greater perspective. Yep. It was 2.5 years into my journey before I began to feel like I had any clue how to “speak the language of respect” or before I began to comprehend what biblical submission was about. I had SO MUCH to learn! I’m thankful that God is willing to use me to pour into the lives of other women. It brings me so much joy to watch what God is doing in women’s lives, in men’s lives, and in marriages all around the world!

          1. Actually, it just occurred to me… I wonder if early exposure to long-term watching of soap operas or the romance novels jumps starts fantasy work in girls the way early exposure to porn does to young guys. Stuff of the addictive level without a nurturing environment but difficult to identify. I remember my grandmother shared some VC Andrews books with me when I was in junior high. Perhaps she hadn’t already read them herself. I’ve learned I really have some work to do when it comes to understanding real love, closeness and intimacy no thanks to what some things like that planted in me so young. Pulling these things together has given me fresh empathy for a person’s porn/ sexual addiction problem.

    2. “But without the cake, it’s empty, distracting activity to fill in gaps for skills I don’t have.”
      “I didn’t personally have the adult tools to go into deeper intimacy like embracing the time to know another person and being known”

      I was wondering if you could elaborate a bit about the specific “skills” or “tools” you refer to in these sentences? My husband has said he feels neglected in intimacy, not so much sexually though as I have the higher sex drive. I know he feels like I am smothering him at times and then too distant at others. So I know I need to grow in these skills you are referring to, but I am not even completely sure what they are!

  10. Some of you may have questioned if I was ever regretful about not agreeing to have another child. Well, there have been times it would have been great to have another child, but not in an unstable marriage, where the threat of divorce was mentioned so often against me.
    When the child asked “When do I get to have a little brother or sister?”, yes, that was hard to hear.
    After the 3 years of no physical contact, my wife had a change of heart, but that lasted only 2 years, then I endured another 2 full years of sexual refusal. Since then our marital relationship has improved somewhat, but per the definition of a sexless marriage, we are close to that. Her recent comment, whenever I wanted to please her, was “I can refuse often due to equal rights.” Yes, I suppose it can be a spouse’s selfish choice to destroy the marital bond as much as possible.
    If the frequent and enthusiastic sexual union is not allowed or encouraged in marriage, where can it be? Sex is what distinguishes a marriage from all other human relationships, and it always amazes me that most churches are unwilling to publicly say that.
    Spouses should not be expected to burn, as Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7 that marriage is the God-ordained solution to all sexual desire.

  11. April, I’ve been following your blog for almost a year now. I thank God regularly for His Holy Spirit that knows what to speak, when to speak it and through whom. My heart has been pierced so many times reading your entries! Hallelujah! God is working! In His MERCY He calls is to Him through Christ’s righteousness. We are so “stinky” on our own.
    Anyway, once again this post pierced my heart, uncovering the idol of a certain family make up. We currently have 4 children, a set of older kids and toddlers. The last two pregnancies were different since I’m considered advanced maternal age but they went smoothly right through delivery. We’re 38, in ok health, but in huge debt. Nevertheless, I want a baby! I love the list you gave about all the things you can do instead of nagging your husband. been there; done that! it definitely helps. However I have felt the most beneficial thing is getting to the place I desire Christ more than anything else!

    With a husband and 4 children at different stages, I know the limitations of these relationships. I find myself giving more than getting and often mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted! But, God….knew that they would cause me to run to Him for rest, peace, to be understood. time after time HE provided so much more until it became that I ran to HIM because I wanted to be with HIM not to just to be fortified to serve my family.

    So, yes, I want another baby but I talk to my best friend about it and He wraps His loving arms around me, listens, speaks the truth about the situation, encourages me to hope for whatever my future holds because I have a merciful Father that in spite of my sins and failings still performs miracles -many involving things I haven’t even thought of. Babies are great but not everything. God is great AND EVERYTHING.
    I have several friends that are having difficulties conceiving. I can only imagine partially how difficult it is. I encourage them about God’s goodness and seeking Him in the process hoping and praying that they would see Him REALLY SEE HIM. So, that desire for a baby would seem so insignificant compared to the gift of a relationship with Him.
    I’m so sorry I did not mean to post this much but it just came pouring out!

    This was so important for me! Exact verses!

    “Rehearse Scripture and God’s commands for you as a wife. Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3. Read James 1 and James 4 any time you start to feel discouraged. Focus on Philippians 4:4-8 and Philippians 4:13.”

  12. Reblogged this on Peaceful Single Girl and commented:

    Not everything in this post will apply – but the general principles of not making a husband, marriage, feeling loved, romance, or babies will apply to my precious single sisters, as well. Please think of this post from the slant of if you were seriously dating/courting a man, and he doesn’t seem ready to commit to marriage or is not doing something you really, really want him to do. I pray this might be helpful. And, I know that it is easy for single and married women to put “wanting a baby” before Christ in our hearts. I pray this might bless you!

  13. Dear Peaceful wife,
    First of all, I reblogged your article “The Birth Control Issue, Part 1” on my site. I appreciate your honest approach to the topic of birth control. It is especially helpful that you have experience as a pharmacist. Did you know that there is a website called Pharmacists for Life, International ? Their website is http://www.pfli.org. I haven’t read all of their articles, but they are clearly anti-pill and anti-hormonal birth control methods, for the same reason that you have: they kill babies.
    Regarding the issue you addressed in this post:
    If birth control pills and other hormonal contraceptives have the potential to murder days-old babies, then it IS NOT appropriate to submit to one’s husband by using these particular birth control methods.
    It is NOT OK to be an accomplice to a murder.
    There is a very good book about this topic called, “Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions?” by Randy Alcorn. You can find it for free on his website, http://www.epm.org (Eternal Perspective Ministries). Also, American Life League has a lot of information on their website, http://www.all.org. Have you ever heard of the campaign, “The Pill Kills” ? Look at their website to find out more. They are Catholic, and I do not agree with some of the doctrines of Catholicism, but I heartily agree with ALL’s stance on the right to life issue.
    I think that a wife who is being asked by her husband to use any form of birth control that carries with it the risk of killing a days-old baby, should REFUSE. She should calmly and respectfully explain her reasons to him. We must obey God rather than man (Acts 5:29). However, if the husband is firm in his choice to not have a child at that time, perhaps another form of birth control that is not chemical could be okay to submit to, morally speaking. In that case, the husband carries the burden of his choice, and will answer for his actions before God on the judgement day.
    Now, there was a comment about embryo adoption. In place of the word “embryo,” we should put the word, “baby.” To hear of someone having lost three babies in this manner upsets me to the point of tears. And there are other babies in storage! To think, storing babies away like we store furniture in a storage unit! Unbelievable. I say these things with all respect, and yet with godly indignation. It is perfectly good to be indignant about sin.
    Women have a desire for children, because God made us that way. Desiring children is good. You’re right, though, that we shouldn’t put a desire for children above our love for God. I completely agree with you on that point. Please remember the story of Samuel’s mother, who longed for children so much, she refused to eat. I’m not saying she was right in doing that, but I am saying that it is normal, and not at all unusual, for women to experience a deep, intense longing for children. God never says anything negative about Hannah, either. He answered her prayer for a son by giving her a son, Samuel, then later gave her 5 more children! (1 Sam. 1 & 2) Children are a blessing, NOT something to be avoided (Psamlm 127, plus many other verses … ) When a husband refuses to have children with his wife, he is in rebellion against God, thought he may feel he has good reasons. Human reasoning is not the same as biblical reasoning.
    I realize that you may not publish my comment, and that is okay. I’ve been reading your blog, and I agree with many of the things that you say. I believe you are truly seeking to do what is pleasing to God, and have a burdened heart for your sisters and brothers in Christ. I have been inspired by many of your posts. Thank you for writing! Again, you may choose not to publish this comment, but I hope that you will consider the points that I have brought up, here. What I have written here has been from pure motives, and a desire to spark deeper thinking about this, and hopefully be helpful!
    Your sister in Christ,
    Jessica Roldan

  14. April,

    I wanted your thoughts on something that my husband said this afternoon to me. As I’ve mentioned before, we’ve had our share of difficulties and are currently working on them. He knows that I want a baby, but in my mind, we aren’t financially prepared to bring a baby into this world just yet…hopefully he will find a job soon and we’ll be able to pay our debt soon. Anyway, this afternoon he told me the following:

    “You know how much you’ve messed up…you messed up a lot of things in our marriage…and yes I know it wasn’t just your fault, it was also my fault because I let you. But know that it is not going to be the same anymore. Because now I know I can live without you. And now I know what I want…and I’m going to do what I want…I’m no longer going to ask you. I’m going to tell you and if you want to join me, then great, if not, then I’m going to go ahead and still do it. I know you want a baby, I’m not stupid and maybe we can talk about having one at the end of this year…it’s March, this gives you plenty of time to think about it…but know that if we are going to have a baby I am not going to put up with you worrying about the baby using a diaper because we’re going to have to spend money to buy some more.(*Note* Money is definitely an idol for me…I am still working through it) I’m not going to put with another 6 years of you constantly worrying and being negative. Just because we have a child won’t mean that I’ll put up with that. I’d rather pay child support than live like that. I do want to have a child…but not with you.”

    That last sentence hurt me deeply. I know I am only months into trying to change my negative and controlling nature, but I want to believe that he didn’t mean what he said. That what he meant was he didn’t want to have a baby with the wife he’s known me to be.

    He made it clear that I still have some of those negative tendencies so I want to think he is still not convinced that I have changed or that I am going to go back to my past ways because he still sees some ( although I know I have had a lot of improvement). I know I still have a long way to go…but how should I take that comment? When we had our big fall out he told me “At this time I don’t want to have a baby with you.” Should I take it as a positive that he says we can talk about it at the end of the year? Despite the last comment?

    Would love to hear your opinion. Thanks so much! You and your ministry have helped me so much- you have no idea.

    Many blessings to you and your family.

  15. Thank you so much for this article. It really opened my eyes to a new perspective. I just had my first baby six months ago. I recently went through his clothes and asked my husband if I should keep them for another baby. He said he didn’t want another one. We are followers and we have a solid marriage in the Lord. He was very respectful when discussing it and I in turn am not resentful or angry with him over his decision. I understand his reasoning but there is still a deep sadness in my heart. I would never push my husband or anything like that, but understanding and being supportive of my husband does not clear up this desire. Your article helped me to see that my desire could be seen as an idol and that I just need to lay it down for Christ to pick up. It is not my burden to carry any longer. Thank you!!

    1. Heather Miller,

      It is wonderful to meet you! Congratulations on your first baby. 🙂 SO precious! I’m glad you want to honor your husband’s feelings on this important issue. I know that is really hard when you would love another baby. Please keep in mind that God can change hearts – so just because your husband feels this way now, does not mean his mind may not change later. But it is wise to respect his decision at this point. You can lay this desire before Christ and allow Him to bring it to pass according to His will and His timing in a way that will bring great honor and glory to Him. 🙂

      Praying you will continue on in peace and in full trust in God to handle this desire and dream.

  16. So I googled this topic and you were the first thing that popped up. Kinda cool because I have read a lot of your other stuff. So I have a 2 year old just turn two in July and I really want to have another one with the “perfect” age gap. I have a little brother where we are 2 1/2 years apart and I love our relationship and I want the same for our little girl. But my husband doesn’t want one right now again. Lol he did the exact same thing with our daughter. And wow was that a journey!

    God was sooooooo faithful and really worked in my heart and gave me verses and really just helped me to release having a baby. I have always wanted to be that wife that is submissive to their husband. I do all the right things on the outside but it’s a real struggle in the inside. i hold onto my verses because I honestly with all my heart really want to do it in God’s timing because I know it is good and perfect. But I think the age gap and the pain in my heart is the hardest for me. I know that I have ridiculous expectations about it because I have never seen really good relationships between siblings with a huge age gap. I know this is just stupid because I know God could do anything in relationships no matter the age gap but I can’t wrap my human mind around it. Do you know of any verses about letting go of expectations so I can add them to my list of wanting to have the perfect age gap?

    1. Kristina,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. 🙂 It is easy to get in our minds that things would be “perfect” if they were this certain way. I do want to encourage you that I have great relationships with both my twin sister (with a 3 minute age gap. Ha!) and our little brother (7 years younger than we are). I don’t think there is one particular age gap that is the only one that could possibly be good. But I am glad you have such a great relationship with your brother.

      No matter what the age gap between your children, should you have the blessing of having more, trust God to help you to raise them to love and know Him and to love each other. He is the key! 🙂

      Please search my home page for:

      – The Respect Dare Expectations
      – idol
      – Please, God! Ask Me for Anything but This!
      – laying down your Isaac
      – submission means holding things of this world loosely
      – lordship of Christ

      Much love to you! 🙂 May God direct your steps to lead you and your family into His perfect will.

  17. In July of this year (about 4 months ago, on the day of my birthday), after being pregnant for the first time, after 4 years of marriage, and after wanting a baby very badly, I ended up having a miscarriage. At first, I had no reaction, I honestly think I was in denial. Not only that, but I wanted to try again right away. My husband on the other hand, cried a lot when the miscarriage was final, as we had gone back and forth from “the baby is ok” to “there might be something wrong” to “the baby is ok” then finally to we lost the baby. It affected him greatly.

    For me, It was only about a month ago that I truly started to accept the reality of what had happened along with the pain. I started feeling really sad and was crying for no reason. I decided to google christian blogs about dealing with miscarriage because I did not know what was going on with me and how to react, and it was then that I realized that I needed to take it up with God. It is funny seeing you write about “wrestling with God” about a certain issue until you reach the point of full surrender, because this is something that I am going through very strongly since the miscarriage. I decided that instead of ignoring God, figuring I already knew His opinion on the subject, that I would confront Him and seek His will and purpose in this situation. And of course God is so good that, in my choice to understand and communicate with Him about the miscarriage, instead of ignoring Him, He has brought me closer to Him than I have ever been in my life.

    Despite this, I continued to ask my husband for a baby WEEKLY, even though I felt this was a mistake. It got to a point that he admitted his resentment towards me. It was then that I entered into an agreement with him to never ask him for a baby again if he would do one thing in return: follow a bible reading plan with me. Despite how much this hurt me, I knew it would be a means to trusting God’s sovereignty. I kept (and still do from time to time) wanting to blame my husband for being an insensitive monster towards me for not wanting to try again, after what I had gone through. The thing is, through my growth in this season, I started to realize that I needed to submit to the will of God for my life, and that if God wanted me to have a baby, there is nothing (not even my husband) that will get in the way. I know that God can easily change my husband’s heart and mind towards the subject, and I know God wants me to just accept and submit to His will, and as you so wisely put, let God “lead me through my husband.”

    I find myself on this blog because, though God has worked in my life, in my point of view, in my emotions, and in my trust in Him tremendously through this situation doesn’t mean that all of a sudden things are just peachy. I am still human and I still struggle with my desire for a child. I have to die to myself and take up my cross in this area every single day, including about and hour ago after having a crisis. I was feeling angry, bitter, and resentful towards my husband once again, but I did not want to feel that way and began battling through it until I found this blog and WOW. Just WOW. I want to thank the writer of this blog, you are truly a woman used by God. I really got such amazing insight here, and after reading the post, many comments, and your replies, my anger has completely vanished. I feel equipped to deal with these emotional “attacks” from a new angle. One big thing I needed after today was the words about loving my husband through this, which was the last thing I felt like doing a few moments ago.

    Anyways, I can keep writing for ages here, after all this is the first time I really put into words my struggles from the past four months. But thanks again, I will definitely revisit this page as I continue to learn about and deal with this area of my life.

    Sincerely,

    Mel

    1. Mel,

      I am SOOOO excited to meet you and to hear from you!!!!!! I can’t wait to have the time to respond in greater detail. Might be tomorrow, but I love what God is doing in your heart! WOOHOO!

      Much love and the biggest hug, my dear sister!

    2. Mel,

      I am so very sorry to hear about your miscarriage! What an incredibly difficult experience for you and your husband!

      It sounds like you are both handling your grief in different ways. I’m so glad you are beginning to seek to extend grace to your husband. I don’t believe he is an insensitive monster. I think he is a grieving dad who isn’t ready to face the prospect of having to go through this kind of grief again yet. He is hurting, too. Sometimes because our husbands don’t respond like we do, we may think they don’t have feelings like we do. Or we may think that a mom who miscarries has more pain than a dad whose wife miscarries. Dads hurt, too. They can be devastated. It takes time to recover and heal from that enough to be ready to try again sometimes.

      I’m so glad you have decided not to pressure him. I know that approach will only create greater resentment. I love that God is healing your anger. WOOHOO! And that you are ready to think about being a team with your husband now – realizing he is not the enemy.

      Thank you SO MUCH for sharing! I am thrilled about what God is doing in your heart! I can’t wait to see all He has in store for you and your husband and for His glory.

      Sending you the biggest hug, precious sister! You are most welcome here!

  18. I am finally starting to realize what you said, that he is grieving too. It is hard at times but I thank God for answering when we seek help. He is always good. And Thank you so much for your wisdom and support!! <3 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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