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Silent Nagging – by Nikka

Baptism of our 3rd child – Nov 2010

From my amazing friend and sister in the Lord, Nikka.  You can find her blog at  She began this journey to become a godly wife 9-1-2013.

I used to think I was the picture of a kind and respectful wife.

You see…

I did not nag.
I did not berate my husband privately or publicly.
I did not say cuss words at him or insult him to his face.
I did not raise my voice even in argument.
Compared to some wives I knew, I thought I was actually quite tolerant and very “Christian.”

Boy, was I wrong!

Okay, I did not NAG. But I did just the OPPOSITE...

I shut up.

I refused to speak.

I seethed with anger, disappointment and resentment.

A whistling kettle blowing off steam — like me when I am angry!

I held grudges.

Not one word would escape my lips, but I was boiling inside. If you waited long enough, you might actually witness me, blow off steam and whistle!
 I guess you can call it “silent nagging“!   
Eventually, though, I would calm down and talk with Dong about what was bothering me. It was my nature to let it all out, after seething for a while. I felt that keeping things bottled up inside was not healthy. I felt that pent-up anger and resentment would cause cancer in my body. My mother died of cancer at 43, when I was just 17 years old. I did not want to suffer the same fate.

I used to think I was NOT the woman the Bible was pertaining to. You know, the one mentioned in Proverbs 27:15

“A nagging wife is like dripping that never stops on a rainy day.”


15Ang laging tulo sa araw na maulan at ang babaing palatalo ay magkahalintulad:

I did not drip, yes.

But, I simmered.

I would ignore my husband for days or not talk to him. He would ask, “Honey what’s wrong?” and I would say, tight-faced and upset, “Nothing.”

Yeah, right, nothing. You know how women say “Nothing” but mean just the opposite. Everything was wrong, to my mind. “If only you did this or that, our lives would be so much better!
If only you were this and that, things would be perfect! If only you were not this or not that, I would not feel so terrible! You are so lucky to be married to me. I, on the other hand, am not as lucky!” 


Okay, I was not “nagging” alright, but my heart was so filled with sins of pride, anger and self-righteousness!

I did not have to say a word. Dong knew just from my ice princess stance that “nothing” was really “something”. When I was in these phases, he would distance himself from me and allow me to steam, which sometimes made me even angrier because how dare he NOT comfort me when I was feeling so alone and overwhelmed and depressed!!!

Looking back, I myself would not go near ME with a ten-foot pole, when I was under those dark clouds of self-made doom. I was too negative, too unpleasant, too repulsive. And yet, I thought Dong was SO blessed to be married to somebody like ME! Crazy, right?!

When I underwent a long period of introspection in the middle of last year, 2013, I asked God to search my heart. It was a painful process. It was humiliating and humbling. Humiliating because the Lord showed me my true self — prideful, bitter, envious, self-righteous, judgmental….          Humbling because suddenly I realized that I had nothing to boast of in front of God. All the goodness that I thought I possessed, was all from Him. All my sins and failures were the only ones that I actually owned.

When I finally came to terms with the TRUTH — that I was not the kind, Christian wife I thought myself to be — that was when things started to change within my heart. The Truth Hurts. 🙁

I repented of my sins.
I gave up my desire to CONTROL my husband, our lives, and everything else around me.
I let go.
And, I let God reign.
I told God that I would FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY put everything in His Hands and let Him live in me, starting with submitting myself to my husband’s authority.

Ephesians 5:22-33 Taken from Biblical Marriages in Facebook

I was tired of leading.
I was tired of worrying about the future.
I was tired of being afraid.

I was ready to be led by Dong.
I was ready to trust that God will lead me through my husband.
I was ready to be freed from the bondage of control.

That was the MOST LIBERATINGdecision I have ever made in my life!

That was when I felt MOST PEACEFUL. 🙂

I said this to my husband at the start of my submission journey, and I will say it again now:

“I would rather DIE than to go back to my former (negative, controlling, fearful) self.”

To follow God’s Great Design for Marriage, Him Who made us fearfully and wonderfully, is the TRUE PATH TO PEACE.

God’s Design For Husbands — To LOVE their wives as Christ loved the Church
God’s Design for Wives — to SUBMIT to their husbands

My prayer is that husbands will LOVE their wives….

and that wives will RESPECT and SUBMIT to their   husbands. 

God knew what He was doing when He created the first man and the first woman.

Order After Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit

God is a God of ORDER. 

Order Before Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit

If we follow His Great Design, no matter how “weird”, how “archaic”, how “passe” it seems to be in this day and age….

PEACE and ORDER will reign in our homes.

That is our “Instruction Manual” for Life.  He is ourManufacturer after all. 😉 That is 100% GUARANTEED SATISFACTION!!! 🙂

So, what are you waiting for? “ORDER” now!!!! 😉

Dong and Nikka Alejar – Manila Bay, 2012

May we all be richly blessed! 🙂


Our Words Can Cause Catastrophic Damage

Nikka’s First Interview with Her Husband

Nikka’s Second Interview with Her Husband

The Dominant Wife/Passive Husband Combo – a Perfect Recipe for Disaster – by Nikka

17 thoughts on “Silent Nagging – by Nikka

  1. Oh my goodness! I can identify!! I too used to step into the Ice Queen role when I did not get my own way/was unhappy about something/irritated with my husband. Looking back now, I am so filled with shame and disgust at myself for putting my husband through that. I also had the spirit of pride…so much pride and elevating myself to think I am (was) much better than my husband. Yet at the same time, a deep rooted fear of the future. It still crops up, still leaves me fearful but thank God for his word which is constantly breaking me to rebuild me. Moulding me to make me more like Him. Make me more like the woman he designed me to be.

    This post, this journey, has me wrecked but through it all, I so grateful that the Holy Spirit constantly reminds me…’God’s got this. God’s got you. You do what He tells you, He’ll do what he’s promised’ and boy is he coming through! I am not the same woman, wife or mother i was a year ago today. And i can only thank God for that!

    thanks for the posts!!


    1. Hi Lebo!

      Thanks! 🙂 If only more women would be ready for God to open up their spiritual eyes to the Truth, a lot of marriages will be saved. Yes, God is really so good! I too am not the same woman. And I have said this again and again… I would rather die physically than revert to my old self. God bless! 🙂

    2. Lebo,
      I love what God is doing in your heart and life! WOOOHOOOO!!!!

      Thankfully, when we are full of God’s Spirit and His peace, love, joy, etc… we can have the security of knowing that God is already in the future, and just like He is providing for and caring for us today, He will be with us in the future, too. He is already there! We can trust Him. His sovereignty is such a comfort.

      But we do have to hash through our fears and decide “If God allowed this fear to happen, can I still trust Him, even then?” We will certainly be tested with suffering. Thank God that He is with us through the trials and that He promises to use bad things and suffering to make us more like Christ and for His glory. He is so very good.

      Great to hear from you!

  2. Lovely post. I read a parenting book by Jayne Major, Ph.D., in which she states that fear is the basis of all anger. It appears that you have conquered your fears through God, and in the process have rid yourself of the self-destructive anger.

    1. Thank you navigator1965! 🙂

      It is a constant dying to self. But I am grateful to God that he opened my eyes spiritually when He did, when I was ready.

      That kind of anger is really self-destructive. It rots you up inside. I am glad I got rid of that before it got the best of me. God is really good! 🙂

      1. Everyday I am inspired by your blogs and it is a daily reminder to continue to grow. Thank you very much for all the work you put into your work. I’m very grateful 🙂

        1. Kara,
          That is such an encouragement to me. Thank you! I pray Christ might be exalted and that His will might be done in every wife’s life and marriage who reads each post. 🙂

  3. Wow, is this ever a good post! Though I’m thankful God has never allowed me to become a nag (to the point my husband has to tell me to remind him of things that need doing), I can sit in that silent stewing mode sometimes! You’ve brought up a lot of things I need to keep in mind.

    1. Hi Jen!

      Nice to “meet” you! 🙂 Silently stewing is just as bad as nagging in my book, although I thought I was being so kind! Yikes.

      Glad the post helped you somewhat. It’s all Spirit-inspired. God is good! God bless! 🙂

      1. It was a good reminder. If nothing else I will find something kind to say to my husband that shuts down any sharp-tongued response but lets him know I’m still trying to figure out how to say what I need to politely and respectfully!

  4. “I did not have to say a word. Dong knew just from my ice princess stance that “nothing” was really “something”. When I was in these phases, he would distance himself from me and allow me to steam, which sometimes made me even angrier because how dare he NOT comfort me when I was feeling so alone and overwhelmed and depressed!!!

    Looking back, I myself would not go near ME with a ten-foot pole, when I was under those dark clouds of self-made doom. I was too negative, too unpleasant, too repulsive. And yet, I thought Dong was SO blessed to be married to somebody like ME! Crazy, right?!”
    That was exactly ME! Great post, Nikka!
    Thanks so much, i makes me go through what my husband had to go through with ME and REPENT! Now i know that i have to be sooo grateful that i am married to HIM!

    1. Hi Hisgraceissufficient37! 🙂

      When one is spiritually blind to one’s sins, it is so easy to point out the mistakes of the other person and not see one’s own mountain of sins. But when the Lord allows us to see ourselves for who and what we really are — which is prideful and self-righteous — one just feels so ashamed there is no other recourse but to repent. Praise God for opening our eyes! 🙂

      God bless you in your submission journey to Him and to your husband. We are all in this together. 🙂

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