Silent Nagging – by Nikka

Baptism of our 3rd child – Nov 2010

From my amazing friend and sister in the Lord, Nikka.  You can find her blog at  She began this journey to become a godly wife 9-1-2013.

I used to think I was the picture of a kind and respectful wife.

You see…

I did not nag.
I did not berate my husband privately or publicly.
I did not say cuss words at him or insult him to his face.
I did not raise my voice even in argument.
Compared to some wives I knew, I thought I was actually quite tolerant and very “Christian.”

Boy, was I wrong!

Okay, I did not NAG. But I did just the OPPOSITE...

I shut up.

I refused to speak.

I seethed with anger, disappointment and resentment.

A whistling kettle blowing off steam — like me when I am angry!

I held grudges.

Not one word would escape my lips, but I was boiling inside. If you waited long enough, you might actually witness me, blow off steam and whistle!
 I guess you can call it “silent nagging“!   
Eventually, though, I would calm down and talk with Dong about what was bothering me. It was my nature to let it all out, after seething for a while. I felt that keeping things bottled up inside was not healthy. I felt that pent-up anger and resentment would cause cancer in my body. My mother died of cancer at 43, when I was just 17 years old. I did not want to suffer the same fate.

I used to think I was NOT the woman the Bible was pertaining to. You know, the one mentioned in Proverbs 27:15

“A nagging wife is like dripping that never stops on a rainy day.”


15Ang laging tulo sa araw na maulan at ang babaing palatalo ay magkahalintulad:

I did not drip, yes.

But, I simmered.

I would ignore my husband for days or not talk to him. He would ask, “Honey what’s wrong?” and I would say, tight-faced and upset, “Nothing.”

Yeah, right, nothing. You know how women say “Nothing” but mean just the opposite. Everything was wrong, to my mind. “If only you did this or that, our lives would be so much better!
If only you were this and that, things would be perfect! If only you were not this or not that, I would not feel so terrible! You are so lucky to be married to me. I, on the other hand, am not as lucky!” 


Okay, I was not “nagging” alright, but my heart was so filled with sins of pride, anger and self-righteousness!

I did not have to say a word. Dong knew just from my ice princess stance that “nothing” was really “something”. When I was in these phases, he would distance himself from me and allow me to steam, which sometimes made me even angrier because how dare he NOT comfort me when I was feeling so alone and overwhelmed and depressed!!!

Looking back, I myself would not go near ME with a ten-foot pole, when I was under those dark clouds of self-made doom. I was too negative, too unpleasant, too repulsive. And yet, I thought Dong was SO blessed to be married to somebody like ME! Crazy, right?!

When I underwent a long period of introspection in the middle of last year, 2013, I asked God to search my heart. It was a painful process. It was humiliating and humbling. Humiliating because the Lord showed me my true self — prideful, bitter, envious, self-righteous, judgmental….          Humbling because suddenly I realized that I had nothing to boast of in front of God. All the goodness that I thought I possessed, was all from Him. All my sins and failures were the only ones that I actually owned.

When I finally came to terms with the TRUTH — that I was not the kind, Christian wife I thought myself to be — that was when things started to change within my heart. The Truth Hurts. 🙁

I repented of my sins.
I gave up my desire to CONTROL my husband, our lives, and everything else around me.
I let go.
And, I let God reign.
I told God that I would FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY put everything in His Hands and let Him live in me, starting with submitting myself to my husband’s authority.

Ephesians 5:22-33 Taken from Biblical Marriages in Facebook

I was tired of leading.
I was tired of worrying about the future.
I was tired of being afraid.

I was ready to be led by Dong.
I was ready to trust that God will lead me through my husband.
I was ready to be freed from the bondage of control.

That was the MOST LIBERATINGdecision I have ever made in my life!

That was when I felt MOST PEACEFUL. 🙂

I said this to my husband at the start of my submission journey, and I will say it again now:

“I would rather DIE than to go back to my former (negative, controlling, fearful) self.”

To follow God’s Great Design for Marriage, Him Who made us fearfully and wonderfully, is the TRUE PATH TO PEACE.

God’s Design For Husbands — To LOVE their wives as Christ loved the Church
God’s Design for Wives — to SUBMIT to their husbands

My prayer is that husbands will LOVE their wives….

and that wives will RESPECT and SUBMIT to their   husbands. 

God knew what He was doing when He created the first man and the first woman.

Order After Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit

God is a God of ORDER. 

Order Before Eve ate the Forbidden Fruit

If we follow His Great Design, no matter how “weird”, how “archaic”, how “passe” it seems to be in this day and age….

PEACE and ORDER will reign in our homes.

That is our “Instruction Manual” for Life.  He is ourManufacturer after all. 😉 That is 100% GUARANTEED SATISFACTION!!! 🙂

So, what are you waiting for? “ORDER” now!!!! 😉

Dong and Nikka Alejar – Manila Bay, 2012

May we all be richly blessed! 🙂


Our Words Can Cause Catastrophic Damage

Nikka’s First Interview with Her Husband

Nikka’s Second Interview with Her Husband

The Dominant Wife/Passive Husband Combo – a Perfect Recipe for Disaster – by Nikka