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My Husband Isn’t Being a Good Enough Spiritual Leader – from the Archives

(NOTE: I write from the perspective of a formerly controlling, Type A, perfectionistic, driven, prideful, disrespectful wife with a passive husband. If your husband is very dominating or if he is abusive – my blog may not be a good fit for you, please seek godly help. It is possible to be TOO respectful and TOO submissive.  Some wives give up their personalities, ideas, feelings, desires, emotions, talents, gifts and influence authority.  That is destructive, too! There is a balance in the middle we are aiming for, too far one way or the other is a problem. If you have severe marriage problems, please seek help. If you are not safe in your home, please seek help ASAP. Women who are truly abused need very specific help, reading my blog about normal marriage respect issues can be dangerous for them. I hope to have some trustworthy, godly online resource to direct women to that should be available in the next 2 months. The Salvation Army is able to help women who are abused.)

Ok, ladies,

I think these are some VERY important issues I am about to bring up.  MANY, MANY of us (maybe, the vast majority of us) see our husbands not doing these things and we cast serious judgement against our men – assuming we know their level of spiritual maturity and assuming they are “horrible spiritual leaders” in our families.

God’s Word says that the “husband IS the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.” (Ephesians 5:22-33)  It’s not that he “could” be or  “should” be.  He is.

I can’t take that role from him – even if he is not a believer.  God gave the authority to him and God did not give it to me.  God’s wisdom is much greater than my own!  I have to be willing to reject our culture’s warped and ungodly model of marriage, femininity and masculinity and authority in marriage. Then I can humbly accept that God did this for my good, my husband’s good and our family’s good and for God’s glory.

MY SKY HIGH EXPECTATIONS

I used to expect a LOT of specific things from my husband.  I would harp on my husband about how he needed to be “a better spiritual leader” and then I would list off things I thought he needed to do in order to qualify for being a “good” spiritual leader.  (see how many of these things are things God has commanded him to do, and what are just my personal preferences, or ideas I read in a book!) My list included things like:

  • praying with me daily (with HIM initiating the prayer, not me – if I had to initiate the prayer, then “that didn’t count” as him praying with me in my mind.)
  • him taking me to church weekly or more
  • him taking me to the church I thought was best 
  • him tithing (what I thought was an appropriate tithe)
  • him giving generously to many other charities that support orphans and the poor in addition to the tithe
  • him giving time to serve God in a ministry
  • him having a long “quiet time” with God of his own daily (that I could observe)
  • him praying a lot on his own (and me knowing all about it)
  • him reading the Bible to me/with me/to our children
  • him not watching tv anymore at all
  • him spending more time talking with me about deep spiritual things and connecting with me spiritually

None of these things on my list are really wrong.  They are all “good” things.  Many of them are very godly things. The problem here is that I was placing myself in the position of JUDGE (with evil thoughts) over him and whether he is doing a godly enough job for ME.

My husband answers to GOD for his leadership and how he handles his God-given authority.  He does not answer to me.

Who am I to say how he should lead?  If he is not sinning or asking me to sin then I am sinning against God if I do not cooperate with my husband’s leadership.  Who am I  to add things that the Bible never even specifically said he needed to do?

God made my husband the head of our home (I Corinthians 11:3).  Greg needs to be the one who decides how he leads.  I need to be extremely careful before I tell my husband that he is leading wrongly!  There have been times that I fought against my husband’s leadership that I was actually fighting God.  I can and should tell my husband what I want, how I feel, what my concerns are (respectfully – and usually once) and then, if he is not asking me to sin, I cooperate with his leadership – even if and especially when I do not agree!  THEN I TRUST GOD TO WORK THROUGH MY HUSBAND FOR MY ULTIMATE GOOD! 

This is ultimately all about my faith or lack of faith in God and His Word – NOT about my faith in my husband!

I pridefully thought:

  • I know better than my husband
  • I know best
  • I know better than God
  • I should be in charge.  I’m a much better leader than Greg is.
  • I know God said the husband is the head, but that just won’t work in my situation.  Greg “won’t/can’t” lead. So I obviously have to.

Those are some of my very ugly sins.  I committed those sins for 15 years and DID NOT EVEN SEE IT.  I was so blind to my sin against God and my sin against my husband.  All I could see was his “sin” and his “failure” in my eyes as the spiritual leader.  And I arrogantly assumed I should step in and take over.  I pridefully condemned my husband and judged his heart and spirituality.  I was WRONG.

WHAT I DO NOW

Now, I allow my husband to lead as HE sees fit and do what HE believes God wants him to do, and I try not to interfere with the line of communication between my husband and God, even if I don’t agree.

Some things are not biblical mandates.  We as Christian wives have these ideas in our minds about what a “spiritual leader should” be – then when our husbands don’t meet our expectations, we get ANGRY, CONTROLLING, DISRESPECTFUL, PRIDEFUL, JUDGMENTAL, CRITICAL, BOSSY, UNFORGIVING, RESENTFUL, CONDESCENDING, HATEFUL and full of CONTEMPT.  That is what I did, at least. Some of us may even SLANDER our husband or GOSSIP about him or attempt to create DIVISIONS in the family over these things.  Who was really the less godly one here? 🙁

  • praying with me.

Jesus, Himself, often went off alone to pray privately to God. He did teach the disciples to pray when they asked Him to, He modeled “The Lord’s Prayer” for them. But most of the time, according to the recorded accounts in the gospel, He seemed to pray mostly in private.

My particular husband prefers to pray in private. So, I don’t push him about that anymore. Occasionally I will ask him to pray with me about something specific. Primarily, I make sure that I pray privately myself and seek to abide in Christ and I pray for God to give my husband His wisdom, direction, strength and to accomplish His will and His glory in my husband’s life, my life and our children’s lives.

  • having a nightly devotion with the family after supper is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible.

But those attitudes I used to have when my husband didn’t meet my expectations were clearly sinful.   My husband wasn’t necessarily sinning.  It would depend on his motives – and I was not privvy to those.  I mean, it would be NICE if he had devotions with us – but it was not a sin for him not to read a devotional book to us.  Deuteronomy 6 does tell parents, including fathers, to teach their children to love the Lord with all their hearts, minds, souls and strength and to talk about the things of God all throughout the day.  But those families didn’t even have a copy of the Bible, much less a devotional book.  Fathers can have talks about God and direct their children to the things of God without having an official devotional time with an official devotional book.  We can learn to trust God to move our husbands to do what God wants and not impose our own expectations unfairly. It’s fine to say, “I’d love for us to have family devotions at suppertime most nights” or “I’d love for us to read the Bible with the children every night.” But then we can give our husbands some time and space to decide how they want to handle that. If they don’t do it, it may be something we can do with our children at bedtime.

  • Tithing

II Corinthians 9:7 says, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion.”  So it is my husband’s responsibility to decide how much he wants to give.  I can say what I want to give.  But he decides what to give to church, if he will tithe, how much he will tithe, if he gives to other charities.  And I know that many women assume that not tithing is a sin.  But I don’t find anywhere in the New Testament that mandates that Christians must tithe 10%.

– We are to be godly stewards.

– I love the idea of tithing or giving way above the tithe.

–  We are to be generous to the needy and to our believing brothers who are impoverished.

– I believe in tithing. Greg and I have always tithed.

But I don’t believe it is a wife’s place to demand that her husband tithe a certain amount of money. My husband does tithe, but I don’t monitor him. It’s fine for me to say, “I want us to give 10% as a tithe to God, please.” Then  I allow him to decide how he handles that between himself and God.

If a husband doesn’t want to tithe – I think a wife can pray for God to work in his heart according to God’s will.  A wife can tell God, “I really want to tithe, Lord! I want to give generously to Your kingdom’s work.  But I want to honor my husband’s leadership. I pray You will put it on his heart in Your timing for Your glory for him to tithe.  I will wait and trust in You in the meantime.” Then we trust God’s sovereignty to work in our husbands’ hearts.

  • I believe that it is important for me to go to the church my husband wants to go to (unless it is a cult). I can tell him where I would like to go.  I can tell him if I don’t want to go to the church where we are going – but then I need to follow his leadership, even if I disagree, and allow him to choose the church.  I can go and be joyful about it, have a willing spirit and be flexible enough to worship Christ wherever my husband deems is best, expecting God to work in our family through this decision.

 

  • How my husband spends his time is his decision.  And it really isn’t much of my place to dictate how much he prays, when he prays, how he prays, where he prays, how much tv he watches, how often he reads the Bible, how long he reads the Bible, what translation he uses, if he writes his prayers in a journal or not, if he reads the Bible to the family or not, if he does some type of ministry or not, if he chooses to have a mentor or not, etc.  He is a grown man.  He can make those choices himself.  The WORST thing I could do is nag/preach/lecture or try to force him to do what I think he should do.  Not only are my words about these things ineffective, they are likely to make him very resistant to the very things I want him to do.  I must trust God to grow my husband, not myself! I can pray for him respectfully and lift him up, seeking God’s wisdom, protection and power in his life. And I can seek to obey God myself and make my husband’s job a as great a joy as possible.

 

  • My husband talking with me about spiritual things and praying with me would be AWESOME!  BUT, I can’t force him to do these things.  The harder I try to MAKE him do what I want, the more he will resist me, especially if he is not Spirit-filled.  And if he were Spirit-filled, he would probably want to do these things with me on his own.  I actually find now that he talks with me about deep spiritual things EVERY DAY – any time I want to.  Now he even turns off the tv to listen to what is on my heart.  That NEVER happened when I was trying to force him into conversations all the time!

HOW I EMPOWER MY HUSBAND TO LEAD NOW

Now, I ask my husband for what I want (once) i.e.:

  • I want us to give more to X charity
  • I want you to pray with me, please
  • I want to have family devotions
  • I want to help orphans somehow
  • I want to think about adopting a child
  • I want to read the Bible together sometimes

Then, I leave it with him – and I don’t bring it up again.  Or I may email him about it once every year or so.  ie: “Honey, I would really love to give more to X orphanage.  I trust you to do what is God’s best for our family about that.”  And then I don’t bring it up again for many, many, many months.  I don’t nag.  I don’t try to force.  I pray that God will lead our family through my husband and give him godly wisdom to lead.  If he doesn’t bring it up again.  That’s ok.  I have my answer.  And I trust God to work His will through my husband.

Whenever I see my husband do something I appreciate as our leader, I thank him verbally or in an email or text for what he did and tell him how much I admire him.

Then I rest against God, trusting Him, and I lean back and rest against my husband and trust him, too.  And I wait.  In the meantime, I praise God, pray, minister to others, care for my family, am filled with thanksgiving, joy and peace.

  1. How do YOU empower your husband’s spiritual leadership?
  2. Gentlemen – I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

RELATED:

A Husband Answers – “Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”

My Husband Won’t Lead in Our Marriage  – Part 1

My Husband Won’t Lead in Our Marriage – Part 2

He Won’t Talk to Me

19 thoughts on “My Husband Isn’t Being a Good Enough Spiritual Leader – from the Archives

  1. Thank you. I didn’t think I was interested in reading this particular post, but thank you. I really enjoyed it.

    I am really really struggling with where to start with this journey. I have read a ton of posts on here and prayed for God to show me what to do, but I still feel that I am just lost and confused as to how to get started. Any practical advice?

    1. Jaref,

      It is great to hear from you! 🙂

      This whole journey is kind of like eating an elephant. It can be pretty overwhelming at first.

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What are your fears?

      Are you ready to truly trust Jesus instead of self?

      Where are you in your marriage?

      Let’s talk about this together and take some beginning steps together. 🙂

      Much love,
      April

  2. Thanks, April,
    I am a Christian saved by faith – not by works. 🙂 My relationship with Christ is growing – although I still catch myself doing a lot of “should’ve”s. (I should have read my bible tonight, I should have gone to “…”. ) However, it’s better than it used to be.

    I guess my latest fear – ongoing fear – is that I will run out of time or things will take too long. I had previously commented that I had a decade-long affair. That has been over for a few years…but during that decade I prayed and prayed for release from that affair. I realize now that I was simply disobedient by staying in the affair (because of my feelings) – and there was nothing for God to work with because of my disobedience. TEN LONG YEARS. And if I am being honest, I am just plain afraid that this will be a decade long, too. (I do realize that it will be a process for the rest of my life, but I want to see change in myself so bad – and I don’t know where to start.)

    My marriage is good, but a lot of the same problems that existed before the affair are still there (nothing horrible, just regular marriage stuff). I now realize – from what i have read here – that it is a lot of pride and my controlling behavior that is causing the problem. But I don’t know what practical steps to take to show obedience to the Lord so that he CAN work in my life.

    I love my husband very much. I want to make him happy. I want to be a blessing to him. I want to bring him joy. I want to love him the way he needs to be loved (respected). THe article yesterday did put that in plain site: I need to put my love on the backburner and bring my respect to the front. I have spent years trying to “love him so hard” – and now to find out it wasn’t what he needed is just amazing to me…and a relief, too, because I was just tired of trying to love him so hard (translation = love him so that he knew how much I loved him and would love me back as hard as I loved him).

    My husband is a great man who loves me…but I KNOW the problem is my own sin right now because no matter how much I love him, it’s like he can’t do enough to make me “feel” the love I have searched for. (not his fault, mine I now realize)

    FYI – he is also passive with me being dominant. I want to be the woman and wife that God designed me to be. I don’t want to be that ugly woman anymore.

    I guess that’s a good start. THank you. I appreciate any wisdom you have to offer.

    1. Jaref,

      I remember one of my greatest fears when I began thais journey was, “God, please don’t let one of us die before we figure this out and have some amount of time where things are the way they should be!”

      I think that is amazing that you prayed for God to release you from the affair – but didn’t remove yourself from it. That makes me think of myself – and how deceitful my heart can be.

      You have some control over the pace of this journey. The more you genuinely trust and obey God and keep your motives pure- the faster you will grow. So – there is something you can control! 🙂

      Have you repented to your husband for your sin? If not, let’s talk about some ways to do that before you try it.

      It sounds like you also have “feeling loved” as an idol. You may have “being in control” and “self” as idols, too. If you are like most of us!

      YES! Seeing the ugliness and wanting to change is the first step.

      Have you repented to God for all this sin He is showing you?

      Do you receive His forgiveness, acknowledging that the blood of Christ is more than adequate to pay your massive sin debt in full?

      Are you struggling with being controlling or not trusting, being afraid, being worried, being anxious? What kinds of things are issues still for you with disrespect?

      What does your husband say he needs/wants?

      Much love,
      April

      1. Good morning, April. Thanks for responding again.

        You said ” The more you genuinely trust and obey God and keep your motives pure- the faster you will grow.” This part already confuses me – genuinely trust. How do I know if I am?

        I have on a couple of occasions talked to my husband and apologized for specific behaviors and told him that i want to show him respect. However, I don’t think he knows what i am saying, so yes, some ideas on how to repent to my husband would be great. I did write an email to him where I apologize and such, but have not mailed it yet as I wanted to make sure I said all that i needed to say and apologized properly.

        ““feeling loved” as an idol. You may have “being in control” and “self” as idols” Yep!

        I have repented to God as he has shown my sin. I do believe I am forgiven…but I will also say that every time I repent and then later repeat the same sin I just get so mad at myself. Transformation is hard to see, and at times, if I am being honest, I feel like God is ignoring me. (This was how I felt during the affair, too)

        “Are you struggling with being controlling or not trusting, being afraid, being worried, being anxious? What kinds of things are issues still for you with disrespect?”
        Yes, I struggle with being controlling. One specific area is my husband struggles with procrastination. He says he will do something, then he doesn’t do it. I’m not talking about things that have no set time for completion – I am talking about actually failing to do things before an opportunity ends. There is a specific incident with our cell phone bill that I am referring to where he told me he was going to try to get a fee waived…but it’s been a month and he has not done anything. The opportunity to get that money back is not infinite. It is maddening!!! But…I have kept my mouth closed about this and it is so hard because I just want to get on the phone and take care of it myself…but he said he would do it so I am staying out of it. But it is HARD. So in my mind my trust is faltering about this, and I am still trying to control in my own mind (even though I am not saying anything).

        I struggle with all of the things above. I guess my issues of disrespect are;
        – taking over when he doesn’t do something he says he will do
        – taking over when I am scared something won’t get done in time
        – yelling
        – talking too much
        – not trusting that he will make decisions for us. (Indecision has ruled our life)

        A specific area that i am afraid of and worried about is that we do not have children. We have never been able to answer the question of whether we want kids or not, so we just never had them (married 25 years). Now I am 47 and he is 49. I guess my struggle with this area is that I need him to say YES or NO – but he says nothing. He doesn’t bring it up. He barely talks about it. I am under the assumption that when I don’t bring it up it is “out of sight, out of mind”. So yes, I don’t trust him. And I guess I don’t trust God. Would that be what that is? Is that my sin?

        1. Jaref,

          I personally had to wrestle with all of my fears and write them out and lay them before God. I had to decide if I would trust God even if the worst case scenarios were to happen.

          You can tell you are genuinely trusting God when you have His peace and are not full of worry, fear and anxiety – and your mind is not spinning and trying to figure out how to fix everything and make it all work out “the right way” yourself.

          If you find that you are discontent, afraid, worried or resentful – those are often flags to warn you that you are NOT trusting God and that you may have something in your heart above Christ.

          I have to constantly check my motives and thoughts – even now. And kick out any ungodly thoughts. At first, I had to write down all my thoughts and all the “tapes” I played in my head and evaluate everything I was consciously and subconsciously thinking against the truth of God’s Word. I had to write down verses that spoke truth to replace the ideas that were ungodly or that were lies that I had embraced. And I had to meditate on the truth of God’s Word.

          Even today, all day long, I monitor my thoughts. If I realize a thought is not pleasing to God – I repent of it and kick it out of my mind and replace it with God’s truth.

          I personally have to avoid reading or hearing ANYTHING about what godly husbands “should do” or I can easily begin to feel resentful if they talk about something Greg doesn’t do. I must focus entirely on what Greg does right, on being thankful, on praising God, on seeing the good, on not complaining and not arguing and on trusting God’s sovereignty.

          I have some posts about husbands being an idol:

          How to Make Your Husband an Idol

          The Biggest Problem in Our Marriages and in Our Spiritual Lives

          Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority

          I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband in the Wrong Ways

          Also:

          Stages of This Journey

          FAQs

          You can also search my home page for:
          – idol
          – idolatry
          – feel loved
          – why won’t my husband just love me
          – control
          – contentment

          It takes a bit of time to shovel out all of the sin in the beginning. God will show it to you in layers. So, first, you allow Him total access to your soul and allow Him to remove anything that offends Him. I know I spent about 6 weeks shoveling out all of my pride and idolatry at the beginning of the journey – of course, I saw even more later.

          Thanks for the example with procrastination. My husband used to be that way, too. Here is what I did:

          I apologized for my 14+ years of disrespect and control. (more on that in a minute) I told him I was stepping down and would support his leadership from then on. It wasn’t until 2 years later that I actually gave him the finances. Does your husband want you to handle the finances? Is there a reason you couldn’t handle the cell phone bill? If the finances are his responsibility – then, you can mention it to him, and then leave it. Let him handle it. Let him deal with the consequences of his not handling it. The more he gets experience in dealing with negative consequences, without your rescuing him, the more he will begin to make better choices. There are some husbands who have ADD or other situations who prefer to be gently reminded about things. That will depend on your particular husband.

          But you are right, if he said he would take care of it – let him do it.

          If you lose a chance for a good deal, oh well! You showed respect to your husband -and that is actually infinitely more important than saving $100. Every time you take over and rescue, he will become more and more demoralized as a leader in your marriage.

          As you stand back and let him handle things he said he would handle, he will eventually begin to pick up the slack unless he has a medical issue or is under extreme stress. But – his priorities may not be the same as yours. He may not do everything just like you do it. That will have to be ok.

          When I did give Greg the finances, I gave him the passwords, told him I couldn’t do it anymore, and never touched it again. I didn’t know if he would pay the bills on time, or if he would tithe, or if he would be late getting things done. Turns out, he did a great job. he did start tithing on his own 6 weeks into having the finances. I didn’t tell him what to do or how to do things unless he asked me a question.

          Sometimes, it is easy to make the little issue (like a bill) much more important than our marriages or our obedience to Christ. That is where we have to be careful. No little issue is worth destroying our husbands and the unity and intimacy in our marriages about. And no little issue justifies us sinning against God or our husbands.

          It IS hard to wait if he doesn’t do something. I have been there and done that and waited. Sometimes we didn’t do whatever it was because he didn’t respond in time. Ok.

          Now, he is actually much better than I was with the finances, and has found all kinds of ways to save us money. I used to suggest that our cable bill was way too high. Greg didn’t care and didn’t want to talk about it. Then when he took over and felt the responsibility and weight of it all, after a few months he said, “Our cable bill is way too high.” Yep. So he decided what to do about it and saved us TONS of money.

          It is hard to wait and be patient and step down, especially in the beginning few months or so. But it is worth it!

          As he sees that he truly DOES carry the whole weight of responsibility and that you actually trust him – he will want to do a better and better job.
          My husband wrote about his perspective on this issue on this post “When She Surrendered”

          Here a husband answers a wife’s question about why her husband won’t lead

          If your husband knows you will freak out and take over – he has no motivation to try to lead on his own. He knows what will happen. He knows you will criticize him and maybe blame him if you don’t like his decision. He is not going to begin stepping up until he sees REAL faith in him and REAL respect over a long period of time.

          My husband didn’t feel totally safe with me until 3.5 YEARS into this journey. It takes time for a man to feel safe enough to lead. He HAS to know you will follow him and not blast him and that you will have grace for him if he messes up.

          The indecision will get a lot better in time as he sees that his ideas and opinions actually matter and count for something.

          Check out my husband’s perspective on that here.

          And check this post out “Why Your Husband May Not Immediately Do What You Want Him to Do”

          Why do you believe you are justified in sinning against your husband by disrespecting him, yelling at him and by jumping in and taking over? What do you say in your mind to excuse that?

          Your husband says nothing because he knows you will be upset if he says what he really thinks.

          As he sees in time that you are safe – he will eventually most likely open up again to you and share his heart – in time.

          Your goal has to be only to please God, not to change your husband.

          Let’s assume that the children thing is a “no.” If your husband wants children with you – he will do something about it. For now, when your husband says nothing, assume he is saying “no” and accept that.

          In time, he will feel safe enough to actually tell you what he feels and thinks when he sees that you are going to listen, care, not freak out and trust him.

          What is something you could trust your husband with this week?

          1. Jaref,

            apologizing to your husband:

            I would only apologize briefly. Some wives don’t apologize in words, they just jump in and begin to allow God to change them. Husbands don’t usually take words nearly as seriously as wives do. But if you want to BRIEFLY apologize without justifying yourself or excusing your sin against him, you could do something like this:

            “Honey,
            I realize now that I have sinned against God and against you by taking control in our marriage and by my disrespect. God gave you the place of leadership (I Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:3-5, I Timothy 3:5). I was wrong to be so hateful and controlling and to try to force my own way. I was wrong to think that I was always right and to not put importance on your ideas. I am so sorry that I made it unsafe for you to say what you thought in our marriage. I hope you can forgive me. I want to step down from this point on and allow you to lead and learn to support and encourage you as the head of our home. I want to learn to trust you and be the wife God wants me to be.”

            He may say nothing. That is ok.

            He may cry. That is ok.

            He may get angry and tell you how much he has been hurting for all these years. That is ok.

            Then, seek to be the woman God calls and commands you to be for His glory!

            Much love!

          2. Hi, April, I am sorry – I didn’t mean to just disappear! Much has happened since my last post. I got laid off from my job on Thursday – I had a feeling it was coming…I just didn’t expect it so soon. I’ve been kind of busy trying to adjust to my new life at home right now. Who knew staying home could be so busy?!?!? (remember, I have no kids!)

            So I don’t really know how to explain, but I think that once I realized that I really did not trust God, that things started to change. I was thinking about trust tonight, and one of the things I thought about was that I always trusted God not to HURT me, not to cause harm to me. However, I only HOPED he would help me and take care of me…and only in the way that I thought he should. In other words, he was kind of like someone I passed in the street: I assumed I could walk past him and he wouldn’t hurt me, but if I needed help I hoped he would help me the way I wanted help. So now I am really working on trusting the Lord. Thank you for opening my eyes.

            Regarding the finances: I DO think my husband likes me handling them as far as the clerical side of things. WE actually lead Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and we are in a good place in regards to how our finances work. I write up the budget before the month begins, then we look it over together and he tells me what we need to change. If we don’t seem to have as much money as usual, then he has been instrumental in deciding what gets cut. But as far as that cell phone bill goes, he said he would take care of it….and i did ask him about it again as I was writing up our to-do list and I asked him if he still wanted to do it or if he wanted me to do it. He said he would do it. So far he has not, but I am basically letting that go.

            I know you wrote a lot above and would love to chat more, but I need to get some work done around the house. One interesting break-through thing was he wanted to watch a TV show we like. All I could think of in my head was all of the things we needed to do. But he asked me if I wanted to watch and I went ahead and said yes. Well, about 20 minutes in he turned it off and said he wanted to work on some of the stuff we needed to do. MY GOSH!!! A miracle happened in my house! He NEVER stops watching a show. Honestly, my mind was wanting something else, but I remained calm and respectful and I saw a real change in my husband.

            I always thought he was sort of passive-aggressive.,..but honestly, I think he just didn’t want to be controlled and manipulated! HE wants to decide. My sweet, cute, procrastinating, passive-aggressive husband (or so I thought!) – he wants to lead us!

            So on a final note: before I lost my job, I kind of thought it was coming for about 3 weeks. I kept telling my husband so that he would not be taken by surprise. One of the things I struggle with is that I really have never known what I want to do with my life as far as a career, and I was starting to feel that pressure in my own mind to “figure it out”. But instead, I just finally told my husband that I have no idea what I would do if I lost my job and that I need to let him figure that out and guide me. I just told him that I didn’t have it in me to figure it out on my own and that I really was counting on him to help me and guide me.

            Well, I lost my job, and he told me to just “make our house a home”. Right now, that is my job. Things may change. He may tell me to get a job later, but right now, he told me to just make our house a home. I need to tell you that this is something I wanted for years that I just gave up on because I didn’t think he would ever want me to stay home (even if we had kids), and here I am right smack in the middle of my dream. God does answer prayers. And I truly believe that it is because I am STARTING to trust and submit.

          3. Jaref,

            WOW!!!!!!

            I LOVE what God is doing in your heart. I LOVE that you are beginning to trust Him instead of thinking of Him as a stranger on the street – what a powerful picture and description that was to explain how you did think of Him.

            I think you have a fantastic system for handling the bills – and I agree about allowing him to handle the cell phone bill since he said he wanted to.

            HOW AMAZING that your husband chose to turn off the TV show to work on things. That had to be a shock! 🙂

            And I am thrilled that he is pleased to have you home – making the house a home. So precious.

            God is VERY good my sweet sister!

            Thank you for the update! 🙂

  3. Hi, April. I just wanted to let you know what a blessing and encouragement you are to women. I have been married almost twenty years now, and I have met only one lady (a pastor’s wife) years ago whom I looked to as an example. But now I found this blog! 🙂

    My hubby and I have been married almost twenty years now. I’m still growing in Christ and learning His ways, even though I started walking with Him as a child!! 🙂 I have felt extremely blessed being married to my hubby, and have had a GREAT marriage for many years. The only thing that has been bothering me these last couple of months has been our lack of family devotions. We have had them off and on over the years, but I had to start them. I was getting tired of pulling the family in that area. I had talked to my hubby about it, and he said he wants the kids to want to do it. (We have 3 children.) So I’ve been praying and asking God to give him and the children a desire to do so. It still hasn’t happened, and I guess I was more concerned about it this year since my oldest is entering college now. I had told my husband that the one thing I wanted was for my kids to take with them an example of regular family time with the Lord.

    So because of this struggle, I found your blog this week. I have been so encouraged to keep being a peaceful wife!! Thank you, and I thank my God for using you. I have read some of your other articles and love them. I, too, started wearing only skirts about 4 years ago. (And I started wearing a headcovering on the Sabbath and at Bible studies/prayer meetings about 2 years ago.) My husband has supported me in the changes, and my teenage daughter has followed my example. And my oldest son hopes to one day marry a modest woman. (He also wants a happy marriage and, because of the marriages he sees nowadays, is worried it won’t be as great as ours!)

    I love that you encourage women to respect their husbands. I rarely see that, and that is why it is hard to find godly examples of great marriages out there. I see women who are dissatisfied with their husbands, and I don’t want to become one of them. With God’s help I am choosing to love and obey my husband. He is a servant leader, and is very passive. I have become passive over the years, so it’s sometimes hard to get any decision out of our family ! 🙂 But we can laugh about it.

    Most days being married to my husband is so easy and effortless. We just love each other so much! But then the enemy tries to worm his way in and I have to consciously choose to think on all the great things about my husband so I don’t start dwelling on the one or two negative things.

    Last night the enemy was trying again, and after reading your blogs about respect and surrendering, I knew I had not always obeyed my husband. I have never crossed my arms, rolled my eyes, make comments under my breath, yell, storm out, or anything. But I know how much he hates TV, and we have kept Netflix. He had said we should cancel it a couple of years ago. (Suggestion vs. Directive!!) Well, I cancelled it last night. This morning he got an email from them, and he thought it was spam. I told him I did it. 🙂 It really does feel good to honor and please my husband!!!!

    Thank you for the blessings!!

    1. Leslie,

      I totally understand your heart and desire for family devotions! I pray for the same thing! Every once in awhile I will ask my husband about doing devotions. If he doesn’t initiate them, then I do them with our children. One other thing I do is have my children listen to the Bible at night on an app Bible.Is. My 7 year old daughter LOVES the book of Ruth and has been listening to it every night for 2 months now. She has the whole book practically memorized!

      I think that even more important than family devotions is a godly example of marriage.

      I am excited about what God is doing in your heart and in your family!

      Sometimes, husbands lead in ways that are different from our desires. But sometimes they DO talk with our children about God’s Word and His wisdom and design – maybe just not in a way that is as formal as we would like. Check out this post about ways husbands lead that wives often don’t recognize.

      I love your heart for God and your husband. There are certainly challenges when a husband has a tendency toward passivity and we as wives have a tendency toward being “doers” and “fixers.” It is hard to wait!

      All of us have attacks from the enemy like that where we must consciously choose to dwell on thankfulness about our husbands. I’m so glad you see that and are taking those destructive thoughts captive for Christ!

      I am so proud of you for honoring your husband’s leadership about TV. WOOHOO!

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you, your husband and your children! I praise God for the beautiful example you and your husband are providing.

      You may like to search these terms on my home page:

      – lead
      – leader
      – passive

      Much love!
      April

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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