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The 10:00PM Rule


I am not an expert, a counselor, a psychologist, a theologian or a pastor. I am just an ordinary Christian wife. My posts and my blog may be helpful for you – they may not be.  I share ideas and suggestions – they are not rules and they are not guarantees.  Ultimately, each wife must prayerfully decide what she believes God wants her to do to obey Him and to honor Him in her unique situation. God has wisdom. I do not. I write specifically for wives who tend to be controlling and dominating. Wives who tend to be more quiet and have dominating husbands may find that my blog is not a good fit for them. If your husband is abusing you, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel ASAP! Please be safe! My blog is not written for wives who are abused.


Many years ago, before I understood about respect and biblical submission, probably at least 8 years ago or more… Greg made a rule for us after one particularly frustrating late-night discussion.

I tended to want to have deep discussions a lot.  Especially late at night.  I also tended to try to press Greg for answers back then – not realizing that he needed time to think about things and that the more I pressured him the harder it was for him to think.  The more tired we were, the worse things would go.

Greg realized that after about 10:00pm, a deep discussion usually did not end well.

So, he decided that “We aren’t going to have any more deep discussions after 10:00pm at night.  Nothing good happens after that time in a deep discussion.”

That was actually some really godly leadership he showed that day!

We BOTH benefitted from this rule.

  • I learned not to start discussing a big, emotional, deep issue late at night.
  • I learned to wait for a better time when we were both more well-rested.
  • I learned to enjoy the last 2 hours before we went to sleep and be at peace during that time and savor our time together instead of getting upset and frustrated.
  • We both got to have a lot more peace in our marriage and in our own minds.  Of course, back then, sometimes I didn’t know how to be at peace in my own mind and would still think through deep discussions by myself.  But – things did go much better!


Well, since I have been on this journey the past 5 years learning to be a more godly wife, to respect Greg, to honor his leadership –  and since I have learned so much more about him, about myself, about God’s design for marriage, about godly femininity and godly masculinity… a lot of things have changed in our relationship for the better.

We don’t really have many frustrating conversations these days.  (I can think of 2 very brief ones in the past year, and they were resolved quickly.) Why?

  • I assume the best about Greg.  I  know he loves me, even if he does things I don’t understand.  I keep that in my mind all the time, that he loves me and is good-willed towards me.  That made a HUGE difference!  Most husbands and wives truly do care about and love their spouses – Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs confirms this.  (I’m reading a new book by Shaunti Feldhahn, “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages” – her surveys also confirm this!  You have GOT to check this book out.  I can already tell it is a must read!)  Even when I might not FEEL loved, I can remember that Greg does actually love me and now, after a lot of experience, I know that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.  My knowing that and assuming the best about him makes ALL the difference in our marriage.
  • Now, I don’t ambush Greg (at any time of day) and announce, “We have to talk right now about X!”  Now I know that my particular man needs time to process and think through ideas before he knows how he feels about them.  He doesn’t think just like I do.  That is ok! In fact, it is a BLESSING that he is very careful, thorough, methodical and slower in thinking through things.  I tend to make more rash, hasty or emotionally-drivien decisions.  I thank and praise God that He, in His wisdom, gave the leadership position in our marriage to Greg, not to me!  So, now, when there is something to discuss, I find a good time and just casually mention whatever the issue is to Greg and share what I would like to do.  But then I leave it with him and let him think about it as long as he needs to.  He usually gets back with me when he is ready to talk about the issue and he knows what he thinks would be best.  He shares that with me.  I share any feelings I have about his ideas.  Usually, we end up agreeing.  But if I don’t, I tell him something like, “I would rather do X, but I trust you to do what you believe is best.  I will support your decision.”  End of discussion.
  • I don’t try to change his mind.
  • I seek to treat him with great respect.
  • I don’t assume I am always right and he is always wrong anymore.
  • I don’t try to control things and force my way.
  • I trust God in His sovereignty to direct Greg to cause His will in our lives, even if I don’t agree with the decision at the time.  (If Greg asked me to clearly sin, I would have to refuse.  But that hasn’t ever happened for us.)
  • When I am hormonal – I usually catch myself within a few sentences.  I ask Greg if he thinks I sound hormonal.  If he does, then I trust his perspective more than my feelings that day.  I will say, “Do you think I need to be upset about this issue?”   He’ll say, “Nope.”  I’ll say, “Ok.  I won’t try to figure this out today.”
  • I know that my husband has a lot of wisdom and that I can trust him.
  • I approach him with humility
  • I don’t carry the weight of the family and marriage and all the decisions anymore.  I know Greg will answer to God for these decisions, not me.  I stepped down years ago and seek to honor Greg’s leadership.

We do have amazing discussions about many deep topics.  I do like having deep discussions – but they don’t turn into disagreements or arguments and Greg doesn’t shut down anymore.

  • Now we know we are on the same team.
  • Greg is almost always available to talk with me when I want to talk now.  He knows he is safe with me and that I am not going to verbally attack him, criticize him, blast him, humiliate him, tell him what to do, overpower him with my verbal abilities or hurt him emotionally or spiritually.
  • He knows without a doubt that I respect him, trust him, have faith in him, admire him and will joyfully cooperate with his decisions.
  • I know without a doubt that he loves me, wants me to be happy as much as possible, wants what is best for me and will lead in a selfless way.

After 10pm (the hour or two before we go to sleep) at our house is a special time of Greg playing with my hair, cuddling with me, having conversation, laughing, relaxing, touching and enjoying each other.  It is my favorite time of the day now!

63 thoughts on “The 10:00PM Rule

    1. Jay Dee, I did this as well. My husband falls asleep every day after dinner, stays in front of the TV till late and on weekends hes up late doing stuff.So I just go to bed when Im tired.I have my own bedroom now because hes such a nightowl I never slept. As I continue being a more respectful wife he took me out to dinner a few times. He still falls asleep when we get home but I believe thats his way of avoiding me and protecting himself from my once nasty mouth. I will wait till he can feel safe with me to open his heart again. I wont complain or nag.

    2. Like you, I used to eyeball my husband and say “no sex after 10pm”. Part of my submitting to my husband has been to strip any “rules” I have imposed concerning sex. I did not realize that these rules were keeping my husband from even trying to be intimate! Instead, we have a “9:30” rule. Our goal is to be in our bed at 930 each night. If we choose to watch TV or read or surf Pinterest we do it together. It is our dedicated time with each other. I have also vowed that if he initiates sex, I will submit to his desires and not let my excuses (too tired, feeling fat, I have not spent any time with you today and the last thing I want you to do is touch me etc…) speak for me. In doing so, I open myself to him freely. I cannot tell you how this has transformed our sex life. Since we are together and have some alone time before sex starts, I feel connected to him. Since I am not always saying no, he initiates freely and joyfully. He actually told me when he used to hint about sex, he had armor on prepared for the bullets of reasons for no to hit. Now, he lets his guard down. We have relearned how to enjoy each other again. This is just another example of why submitting and allowing him to lead has transformed our relationship.

      1. Sorry, you misunderstand. I am the husband and high drive spouse. It is a mutual rule as we are trying to shift our sleep schedule. Frequency hasn’t been an issue in our house for a while.

        But that’s great advice to share. Good for you for having that attitude.

        1. The key to my “yes” is my husband who is tuned into my needs too. He read my post and laughed that I made him sound like it was his time and his schedule! He knows I get up at 5 am each day and knows my sleep is valuable! Being in sync is key!

          1. Sara
            Yes, that is how things should be! 🙂

            But, what a wonderful gift to be able to give our husbands, our willing, joyful receptivity to them sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. A wife’s receptiveness to her man is a powerful thing. 🙂

            I am glad you are working as a team and he loves and honors you, too!

      2. Sara,
        This is soooo important. Breaking down all of our “rules” and allowing our husbands (and our Lord!) to lead us is so freeing! Thank you for this powerful example 🙂

        1. I didn’t realize how many rules I had instituted until I stopped saying no and started saying yes. I realize now the obstacle course I built between he and I.

          1. Oh, my goodness! Thanks, Sara, for saying this. I needed to hear about the rules. In order for me to feel more successful in the world, I think I have made too many rules. This is definitely not a servant’s perspective! Yikes! I’m going to have to start saying, “yes,” instead of immediately figuring out how it will work best for all of us (aka me!).

      3. Sara,
        That is awesome! I make sure to be available and responsive to Greg, too. I don’t turn him down. And now that I am not controlling and disrespectful – he is very receptive to me now, too – which was not always the case.

        I have some posts about this. Might need to run them again! 🙂

        1. If you haven’t decided on a New Year’s Resolution yet – here is a great one to consider!

          Read I Corinthians 7:
          The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

          If you are a wife whose husband tends to reject you, please skip to the next section


          What if we seek to be sexually available to our husbands whenever possible (barring illness or major medical issues.) What if we try to eliminate the word, “No” when it comes to how we respond to our husbands’ sexual advances toward us?

          What if we strive to be joyfully, cheerfully available and sexually responsive to our husbands in 2014?

          (If a husband is involved in infidelity, there are very serious issues like physical/sexual abuse – please get godly help ASAP. You may not be able to be sexually available in extreme situations like this. I am not writing about those situations here.)

          But for the rest of us – what if we commit to saying “Yes!” to our men.

          If your husband talks about desiring you – how about flirt back and respond positively? What a GIFT to have a husband who desires us!!!! Many wives do not have that.

          If you feel like you are too stressed, maybe you could say something like, “Help me unwind, and you can have me.”

          If you are scrambling trying to get things done at night, maybe you could say, “I’d really love some help getting the kids to bed a bit early, then I’m all yours!”


          (which can be the case in about 40% of marriages according to numbers I have seen):

          I don’t want to leave you out. It can be so painful to read a post like this when it seems like every other husband on the planet wants his wife sexually, but yours refuses you.

          I have a post on my blog “The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage” that you can search for on my home page.

          If he tends to reject you a lot, it’s time to change strategies.

          1. If you were trying to verbally initiate, that may not work for your husband. It may be that dressing in a certain way or giving him a massage or taking a bath or something together may be better. Verbal pressure or nagging can be a turn off.

          2. Be responsive and available, but don’t push yourself on him if he tends to reject you. Sometimes giving a husband some space and waiting until he initiates can be helpful.

          Of course, if there are deeper issues going on – low testosterone, E.D., side effects of medications, pornography addiction, depression, feelings of deep woundedness – then just giving him some space won’t fix anything.

          But, if you have been pressuring or trying to make him be with you, backing off and waiting can be a much better strategy to try for awhile.

          1. Im doing the wait thing. My husband sleeps or indulges in TV or phone calls, projects ect every evening after dinner from 5pm to 10pm. He avoids connecting with me. He makes small attempts but then falls asleep . He said he cannot stay awake without the TV on. I feel I bore him. But also I think he doesnt feel safe with me. Being vunerable with me. Ive done some damage to that guy I know. Im just going to continue practiceing respect and submission untill he can feel safe again with me. It wasnt always this way. Over the years he has emotionally disconnected. We have no sex life unless I stay up real late but thats not possible. I cant function the next day. Im just gonna wait. It took years to shut his heart to me so I can wait years for it to heal. In the meantime I cook his favorite things often and he does nice things for me too. Kinda feels like courting all over again but in a hesitant way on his part.

            1. He has always complained about there not being clean dishes to eat. I wouldnt load or unload the dishwasher before. It made me feel like a maid to everyone. STrangely, I no longer feel that way. It has become part of my daily routine to load and unload it so we can have dinner each night. I dont feel a twinge of resentment at all anymore. Just realized how this small thing use to stress him out. He never ever complains about fixing my car. Takeingcare of your family doesnt make you a maid, it makes you a wife and mother.

            2. Marie,

              I am so glad you are just seeking to honor and obey God and bless your husband and wait patiently. That is a beautiful spirit. I know God is working in your husband, even when you can’t see it. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you spiritually in 2014!

            3. Dee – I think you are so wise here. I will be praying for patience for you 🙂 Stay strong sister!

  1. I think I imposed that rule on myself simply because I get tired and grumpy and want to blame things on him more that I wouldn’t usually. I kind of dismiss my thoughts after a certain time of night as being caused by grumpiness and not by logic.

  2. I would love to get to the point that our evenings are spent touching and being close. We sit together in the living room and enjoy this time a year watching football together. But, he is in his recliner and I am on the couch. I have told him several times that I would love for him to sit with me but he says he is too comfy in his chair. He used to want me to be right beside him all time but that has change. I hope I can get that back.

    1. My Sister, Your ideas are correct. Your husband needs to sit as close to you as is possible.
      Consider scriptural intimacy, Genesis 4:1, Matthew 1:24-25, John 17:3. It relates to us both spiritually, but physically also. Oh, you can not imagine how many husbands would like to have a wife like you. Blessings,
      John 17:3
      Pastor/Equipping The Saints

      1. That is exactly what I have been thinking! When we can afford it, that is the first thing I am buying!

    2. I can relate to this, Daisymae. My husband and I used to sit together on the couch, cuddling while we watched tv/movies or if he was watching sports, I’d cuddle with him with a book. Now he sits in his recliner zoned into his sports and his iphone. I don’t know if he’s even aware that I’m here! I make an effort to be in the room and available, even if there’s something else I’d rather be doing, because I don’t want to miss any chances that might come up to connect with him! I like your perspective, too, Dee. It makes sense that this is my husband’s way of avoiding me/protecting himself. Complaining and nagging would be counterproductive and so I, too, will wait and pray that he will one day feel safe with me to open his heart again.

    3. Hi, Daisymae!

      I understand your feelings because I am in the same boat with you. I sit on the couch while my husband sits in the recliner. Here is how I have learned to handle this, if it helps you.
      -I realize it isn’t personal. He just likes his chair. 🙂
      -Sometimes I go sit with him or sit on his lap.
      -I just enjoy being in the same room with him and try to focus on being thankful that he wants me to sit down and spend time with him, even if we are in different spots.

      A Fellow Wife

  3. Daisy Mae, I’m sure if my hubby had a comfy recliner chair of his “own” he would probably spend alot of time in it, don’t take it personal… He just likes his chair. I’m sure he wouldn’t have a problem cuddling with you, I definitely have got use to not cuddling as much, as we did in beginning of our marriage, I sometimes wasn’t it, but then I also can’t be selfish at the fact that my hubby may want to sit by himself, maybe you could sit on his lap from time to time on his recliner.

    1. I do go and sit on his lap sometimes but sometimes he likes it and sometimes it annoys him. Since I am working on “not pursuing my husband in the wrong way”, I don’t do it too often because I don’t won’t to get a negative response.

  4. Peaceful Wife, me and my hubby haven’t argued for a while now, but he has told me that he doesn’t like when I question him, he doesnt know why, it could be questions about a project, or sometimes he expects me to know the answer, it really frustrates him when he has alot on his plate. This I guess is disrespectful to him, so I’m trying to work on this area. But he did tell me that he is thankful for me responding nicely even when he is upset lately. Were in the midst of a move and he has alot on his plate, my questions make it worst, this is the only time he has been getting upset with me lately, thank God!!

    1. Peeps,

      A lot of men feel this way, especially when they are stressed. To him, it shows you trust him when you don’t have to know every single detail, it sounds like. 🙂

      1. Yes he did say it was a trust issue, but I did just want to see if that was the main cass. So thanks, yes I need to trust him.

  5. I think you have a great blog and I’m pleased to follow your posts… One of your lessons here resonated with me, as it’s something I learned and shared in my post “As Gracious As God” at It is so surprising how much we actually have comfort in thinking and expecting the worst in men, rather than believing that we are truly loved and hoping in the best! I am enjoying a peaceful marriage and trust that with sustained effort it will remain peaceful 🙂

    Great post! God bless you.

    Love in Christ, Ufuoma.

    1. Ufuoma,

      I don’t think we even realize how much we tend to do this. But it is so destructive when we automatically assume the worst. That is not love! How I pray we will learn to give the grace of God to our husbands and to assume the best. It makes such a difference in the tone of our relationships.

      Thank you for sharing, 🙂

  6. Reading how far you have come gives me renewed hope for myself 🙂 Last night my teenage son wanted to sleep over a friends. The parents are good people .I worry and said No all week when he asked. He has a 10pm curfew. Well last night he went to watch movies with his friend and my husband said I dont want him driving homethat late cause theirs some ice on the road.Well I told him all my worries and then asked do you want me to call the parents and let them know he can sleep over? My husband said yes. So I said OK and I did and turns out the roads WERE icy.In my worry about my son being out past curfew I would have risked his life haveing him drive home. Im glad I listened to my husband.He told me he sees changes in me and he appreciates me not questioning everything he says or undercutting him. Wow, I really did run the whole marriage.

    1. Marie,

      Funny how we can get so fixed on one thing – like a rule or curfew – that we might miss something even more important – ice in the road. I can relate to that example!!!!

      I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart and your marriage.

      Thank you for sharing!!! 🙂

  7. Hi April. Thank you very much for your excellent blog teaching and challenging women to really love and understand their men.

    My almost 20 year old daughter asked me a question that ties in with your comment today, “We do have amazing discussions about many deep topics. I do like having deep discussions…” Since the Lord has not allowed me to have long term female friendships where deep sharing has occurred, I was not able to answer her question and thought that I would ask you.

    Her question was, “How does deep conversation differ between female friends and one’s own husband?” My man is a talker, able to communicate deeply and spiritually as well as listen to me and really dialogue. Thus, I do not know what it is like to need females for communication. Any thoughts or answers for her??

    1. Rose,

      Deep conversation with female friends and with a woman’s husband can be very similar as far as topics and things that are shared. However, a woman can probably go into more detail about emotions with her women friends and more detail about other people or feelings and relationships. A husband may not want as much detail, so a woman may want to be a bit more brief, depending on the topic, with her husband. If it is about biblical stuff, then detail may be fine if he is comfortable with that. But, a woman must be careful not to allow her friends to sway her away from her husband if she is married. And she must choose friends who will honor her husband and respect him and her marriage vows. And when a husband is talking, there will be an even greater level of respect for him than a woman would have for her female friends. And, of course, a wife will need to honor her husband’s leadership in a way that she wouldn’t with friends.

      Much love to you!

  8. Wow. This resonated with me in a different way. I am hesitant to have deep discussions with my husband because he is very intense, wise & can go very deep quickly. I struggle with feeling stupid & shallow. I now realize I have idols in the way (being seen as full of wisdom & able to think as quickly & deeply as my husband, as if I can control his opinion of me!). I am now realizing that I need to verbalize my desires to have shorter discussions earlier in the evening (explaining why) & if he decides this is not what he thinks is best then I need to trust God that He will give me the clarity & stamina for these conversations. Wow! Once again you have touched on another area where I’m trying to be in control. Thank you!

      1. Thanks, April. I’m wondering if you have any blogposts or thoughts about deep conversations with husbands? Like Rose, I have a husband who is able to communicate deep feelings quite well & actually thrives on this. I am definitely struggling in this area & would like to grow here. I grew up with no modeling of this & was surrounded by guys who didn’t “go deep.” Now I feel like a fish out of water but want to bless my husband & am not sure how.

        1. Sally,
          Allow him to lead the conversation, Sally. Ask him deep questions about the Bible if he likes to talk about spiritual things. Or ask him about the things he is most interested in, study up a little bit and then ask him to share his thoughts and really listen. 🙂
          Study about scripture or read commentaries and ask him his opinions. 🙂

          1. Wow – I think I just hit on an idol here. I am trying to be as smart as he is in areas that are of importance to him & that he has a deep knowledge of. There’s no way I can be this way but having some knowledge so I can really listen & really understand what he’s saying makes so much sense & is ok! I don’t have to be a genius, I just have to demonstrate I care & am interested. Awesome! Thanks! 🙂

  9. Here is some background
    1. My husband and I are Christians.
    2. Our marriage was wrecked by infidelity on my husband’s part about 5 years ago.
    3. We worked through things an and have been back together now about 4 years.
    4. I still have major trust issues and worry constantly.
    My husband swears the infidelity won’t happen again and has really done nothing to make me think it would ever happen again. He tells me he loves me and I guess tries pretty hard to please me. What scares me is he still gets defensive when I want to see his social media stuff (Facebook, email, etc.) and he’s not really on any of it much. I still know the temptations that can lurk on such things and me seeing it makes me feel better. Although I suppose he could delete anything suspicious.
    I’m also having a hard time grasping who he is. He was my only boyfriend and I had no brothers, so I don’t understand him. He’s the oldest child and is always very defensive when questioned about anything. I want to see his mindset on things. But questioning even his opinion on things gets him on the defensive.
    Having both grown up in conservative Christian families I feel it put me at a disadvantage as far as my expectations for him go. I feel Christian women are raised to expect certain things of their Christian husbands and when that doesn’t happen they panic. Especially someone in my case who saw her Christian husband do something Christians shouldn’t do, it scares me when he doesn’t meet my expectations. For example, reading his Bible, going to church every Sunday, leading our family in spiritual matters, getting involved in church. These things don’t happen and I freak out and don’t know how to console myself. I feel as if I saw him reading his Bible it would make me feel good, or if he didn’t curse, or fill in the blank.
    I guess my question is how do I trust again? I feel if I knew he was on track spiritually I would feel so much better, but every time I bring that subject up I get the same clammed up defensive response. I know God brought us back together, but I’m so scared of where my life is going because of my husband’s leading or lack thereof.

    1. Confused Wife,

      2. I am VERY sorry to hear about this – that would be extremely painful.
      3. I am thrilled that you decided to reconcile and work through things and seek God’s healing and His glory in your marriage!!!!!
      4. I can help point you in the right direction with this, my precious sister.

      God commands us not to worry, but to trust Him.

      If you are worrying, you are choosing to live in fear instead of faith. You can’t have both. You must choose.

      Trying to have control over FB and social media makes you feel like you are safer. Of course, you aren’t really safer, it is just an illusion. But you will eventually have to choose between control and intimacy, most likely. It sounds like your husband is being faithful to you and has really changed.

      Are you showing him respect? Check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect.

      To get to know your husband better, read “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. It will open your eyes to see life from his perspective in ways you cannot imagine!

      Check out this post: Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice

      Christian women do have very specific expectations for our husbands, some of which are not actually in the Bible:
      – to initiate prayer every day
      – to have a devotional time with the family every day
      – to teach the children God’s Word in a specific way

      You are responsible for YOU. You are responsible to God for your sin, your motives, your behavior, your attitudes, your thoughts, your obedience to Christ. Your husband is responsible to God for himself in all of those areas.

      Quite honestly, your husband could do all the things you want and it still wouldn’t be enough if your trust is in him instead of in God.

      It’s time to stop trusting self and begin to lay all of this at the feet of Christ. He is able to change your husband. You can’t.

      What you can do is obey God’s Word yourself, extend plenty of the grace, mercy and forgiveness that Jesus has given to you and be a real team-mate and supportive partner to your husband, inspiring his leadership and his spiritual growth.

      Check out “From Clark Kent to Superman”

      Check out “My Wife Would Bless Me If”

      Read this husband’s response to a wife who asks, “Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”

      Be sure to read the post today about praying for our husbands so that God will hear

      Your trust is not ultimately in your husband, my sweet girl, it needs to be in Christ. You put all your faith in Jesus that He is able to lead your husband and that He is sovereign and can work things out in your life for His ultimate glory and your ultimate good. Your ability to have peace has nothing to do with your husband or what he is doing. I mean, it is EASIER to have peace if he is obeying God. But even if he does not obey God, you can have total peace in Christ because you have ALL your trust and faith in Jesus and you find your contentment from Him alone.

      If you continue to act in fear and control – you will drive him away.

      Another book I thin would be really helpful is “Grace Filled Marriage” by Dr. Tim Keller.

      I’m right here! We can hash through this together and walk this road side by side. You don’t have to do this alone.

      It is time to lay down all the burden, the anxiety, the fear, the lack of trust and worry at Jesus’ feet. As you draw near to Christ, His perfect love casts out all fear.

      Could my husband cheat on me?


      Can I prevent that?

      Not necessarily.

      Do I worry about it?


      If he were to cheat on me – I know that my God is able to empower me to handle whatever comes. Whether that is cancer, or a horrible accident, or the collapse of our government or a terminal disease, or the death of our children – I laid ALL my fears at the feet of Jesus 5 years ago and had to wrestle with – “Can I trust Jesus with this? Is His Word true? If His promises and His Word are true and He is who He says He is, then the safest place I can be is in the center of His loving arms. He may allow me to suffer. If He in His sovereignty allows my greatest fears to happen, is He able to use that for His glory and my ultimate good?” I came to the decision – that YES. He would be able to use ANYTHING that He allows into my life for my ultimate good – to make me more like Jesus and for His glory. So – I can’t lose.

      Now, I don’t seek my will. I seek God’s will.

      It’s time to examine those fears and see if there are idols in your heart – things that you MUST HAVE to be happy in life (like – a husband who would never cheat on you, or control over your husband, or are you trusting SELF more than God and trying to make everything and force everything to work out “right”?)

      If there is ANYTHING that is more important to you than loving and obeying and honoring and knowing Jesus – that is a BIG, BIG problem – it is an idol.

      Time to tear out all the idols and the fear. Lay it before Jesus and decide to trust Him. Submit yourself FULLY to Him, holding nothing back. Let go of control – it is an illusion. The only thing you can do is repel your husband if you try to control him. As you learn to have faith in Christ and as you rebuild your trust in your husband as well, your admiration, trust, respect, faith, peace and joy will draw your husband to you and to God.

      If he is not reading his Bible enough for you to feel safe, realize that just him reading the Bible wouldn’t fix anything. What he needs is God’s Spirit working in him and he needs to be fully submitted to Christ as Lord. Those externals mean NOTHING if his heart and motivations are not right.

      Trust God to work in your husband’s heart. You have more than enough sins and issues to work on in your own heart that could easily destroy your marriage. Resentment can destroy ANY marriage. Bitterness and unforgiveness can destroy any marriage. They can be way more destructive than an affair, actually.

      Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to trust Christ completely no matter what your husband does? Are you willing to let go of control and put all your trust in Jesus and all your faith in Him and find all of your contentment in Him -realizing that He alone is sufficient to meet your needs?

      You say the word and we will begin to move forward from here, my sister! 🙂

      Much love to you!

      1. I really do want to step on board with changing myself. I’m so scared I will become a door mat or forgotten if I start changing. My husband is very good at entertaining himself with whichever electronic is available at the time and I don’t know the balance between being silent and expressing my needs or fulfilling my needs through other means (friends, hobbies, church, etc.)
        I grew up watching my mom be a door mat and a leader at the same time if that’s possible. She was always doing for everyone else but had no input when it came to her needs being met. Now she is divorced and remarried to someone who cares more for her needs. I do not want a divorce and would rather my husband care about me. The problem is, if I don’t voice my needs then how will he know or want to fulfill them? He’s very self absorbed. I cannot sit on the sidelines and lead a boring lonely life that goes nowhere. I am not built that way. I don’t know how to do both though….married a boring man who doesn’t meet my needs unless I cry or whine but if I’m silent I’m sentencing myself to a boring lonely life because his needs come first. I’m so torn as to what to do and neither side of this coin appeals to me.

        1. I don’t ever say – don’t voice your needs.

          Check out “A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage”


          How to ask your husband for things so that your husband will want to say yes

          I’m Afraid I’m Going to Lose My Voice

          This is NOT about being silent all the time at all!!!!!

          You will be sharing your perspective, your desires and your feelings – but in a way that he can best hear with respect.

          You won’t have to live a boring life that goes nowhere. I was afraid of that, too. It has NOT been a problem. God is totally capable of working in your life so that you can serve Him and love other people. He will open the doors. But it is time to stop running ahead and wait patiently on Him. 🙂

          Waiting Becomes Sweet

        2. Your husband doesnt listen to your needs unless you cry or whine? We are married to the same man. I decided to stop needing him. I dont want to cry,whine,yell anymore. When I feel myself getting upset I go to my room,usually its in the middle of a crying fit or yelling fit but off I go. If communication is so broken down that I resort to childish behavior to relate to him then thats desperation on my part and so not attractive. To him or me. I have stopped pursueing him. I state my feelings later in a calm respectful way ,sometimes those feelings go away after spending time with GOD and I will understand better why I felt so badly or upset. Then I just drop it. Im happier,calmer. Feel more in control of myself and my life.My husband is not a woman and will never understand my feelings. Some guys are better at it than others. Ones who had close relationships with their moms I think. So its not meanness on his part just lack of relational skills. He can learn but it takes time and cannot involve crying,whining,yelling. Who listens to or respects that??Not men. Be strong in yourself and your relationship with God. Give it some time. I cry by myself sometimes out of frustration but I do it quietly and not make a show of it. My husband notices my sadness now after months of doing this peaceful wife thing and has come to me and asked Are you OK? Now thats something new!!! I just say Im sad, Im struggling with such and such. He says I know your doing OK though. My heart melts when he comes to me like this. Please give this a try. Be the peaceful respectful wife your husband desperately needs. You will see changes in both of you. I wish I started this years ago, Im still in the learning stage but things are changeing here and I want you to be motivated and encouraged to try this. You wont be a doormat if you love and nurture yourself and your relationship with God.

        3. Confused,
          “You won’t have to live a boring life that goes nowhere. I was afraid of that, too. It has NOT been a problem. God is totally capable of working in your life so that you can serve Him and love other people. He will open the doors. But it is time to stop running ahead and wait patiently on Him.”

          April is SPOT ON here. I also married a “boring” man who can easily keep himself occupied with his electronics. He can actually keep himself occupied for long times with many things. He has a very patient, careful, and thorough personality. He takes A LOT of time to do things that I could do very quickly. He also takes a lot of time to do things I care nothing about. BUT I’ve seen how the Lord has blessed our family through my husbands interests (my teenage sons are just like their daddy 🙂 He has also helped me slow down and appreciate some things I would’ve buzzed right by at MY speed!

          I know how suffocating this can feel when you just want to MOVE and he will NOT. You want to GO OUT and he wants to STAY. This can be SO HARD. When you are ready, ask the Lord to help you let go of ALL of your expectations for your husband and marriage. Then just wait. Yahweh CAN and WILL provide for your EVERY need. If you’ll trust Him. He made you and He knows you just how you are. Trust in HIS timing. I will be praying for you 🙂

          1. Fallen short,

            Now I appreciate all those qualities in Greg. But I definitely had the same fear. I didn’t think Greg would lead me anywhere. But I decided if God wanted me to wait right here until I was 80, ok, then I will wait. I was determined to do things God’s way from that point on.

            Greg does take things much slower than I do. Turns out, it makes him a really wise leader. He is very similar to your husband, fallenshort!

            In time, I learned that it is in the waiting that I get to learn the most about trusting God.

            Thanks for encouraging our sister!

  10. I have left hubby in complete charge of when – and if – we connect in a way that is meaningful to me. I am a stereotypical female so this means face to face contact without distractions (or at least minimal distractions – we do have kids after all!). Often, hubby waits until 9:30 or 10 to “initiate contact” as we jokingly call it. I try to keep it short and sweet but I’m a night owl through and through so at 9:30/10 I am hitting my high energy stride! It’s tough and we are STILL trying to work this all out!

  11. Praise God for your victory over this! As a newlywed, I feel like sometimes my hubby and I are where you were at many years ago. But I have learned so quickly the destruction that comes when we try to resolve issues too late at night. I have learned to be patient, wait, and stay silent until it is the right time. Sometimes its pretty hard when something is pressing on me, but since I’ve seen what happens when I push too much, I’d much rather just be patient! I also believe it is vital to *say goodnight* and *tell him/her you love them* before sleep. We are never promised another day, and there is nothing too serious or bad that should push us away from acknowledging our love for each other.

  12. I definitely needed to read this today! I am the queen of late night attacking. I would ignore him all day, stay silent, and then about an hour after we laid down in bed, I’d let it all flood out. We would stay up ’til all hours of the night, discussing, but it was mostly me discussing and him trying to soak it all in. Thank you!

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