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“Is It ALL My Fault?”

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My precious ladies, while it is true that a husband who feels disrespected by his wife is likely to act unlovingly toward her – there are MANY other reasons that a husband may be unloving toward his wife. Some of those reasons have NOTHING to do with what his wife does or does not do.

It is possible to be the most godly, Spirit-filled wife on the planet and to still have a husband who is unloving and sinful.

God was a perfect “husband” to Israel – and yet His people were unfaithful to Him over and over and over again – just like we are so easily unfaithful to Him. 🙁  It is not because God did anything wrong that His people are faithless.

My goal for us as wives is for us to concentrate on things that we can control – but please hear me that there are situations where husbands can be  unloving no matter what a wife does.

  • We can influence and possibly inspire our husbands.
  • We can obey God ourselves.
  • We can be full of God’s Spirit.
  • We can’t control our husbands.
  • We are not responsible for their sin and behavior.
  • They are responsible for their own sin.
  • We are responsible for our own sin.

Our respect and biblical submission may help many things in marriage, but we cannot fix everything in our marriages.
Husbands and wives are all sinners.  We are all capable of sin.  In fact, apart from God, we are all slaves to sin and unable to do anything but live in sin.  God has given us all a free will.  We can choose to love and obey Him or we can choose to sin and rebel against Him.  We can choose to love and honor others, or we can choose to be selfish, hateful and destructive.

  • One spouse’s sin can make it easier for the other to be tempted to sin.
  • One spouse’s obedience to God can make it easier for the other spouse to obey God.

But each person is accountable and responsible to God for his/her own sin no matter what anyone else has done.  (Ezekiel 18)

SOME REASONS HUSBANDS MAY BE UNLOVING THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR WIVES:

– If a husband has certain untreated or uncontrolled mental health disorders or medical issues: depression, mania, bi-polar, PTSD, Asperger’s, ADD, autism, thyroid disorders, a brain tumor, dementia, side effects from certain medications, etc… these medical issues can cause a husband to act in an unloving way or to seem unloving to his wife and family. (There are resources to help in these kinds of situations!)

– Almost everyone gets easily upset and grumpy when they are exhausted, sleep-deprived, sick, in pain or have low blood sugar.  These are times to offer much grace, in my view.  The flesh is weak.

– If a husband has a history of abuse in his past or his parents’ example of marriage was extremely ungodly, especially if he did not have a godly dad, he may not know how to be loving and may have a lot of wounds and scars to heal from.  He may not know what love is or how to express it.  He may need a godly male mentor in this situation to teach him how to be a godly husband.

– If a husband came to Christ, but is involved in unrepentant sin, his sinful nature is in control, not God’s Spirit.  He cannot act like Jesus if he is cherishing sin in his heart.  His life will bear ungodly fruit. (Galatians 5:19-21)  His greatest need is repentance.

– If a husband does not have Christ as his Savior and Lord – he won’t have the power of God to give him the strength to love with God’s agape love.  He is spiritually dead.  A corpse doesn’t get up and lovingly serve anyone.  Until God wakes him up and opens his spiritual eyes, he will be a slave to his sinful nature.  His greatest need is Christ.

– If a husband is actively addicted to drugs or alcohol or some other addiction, he may treat his wife very unlovingly no matter what she does or does not do.  She is not dealing with the real man, but with the addiction. She will need very specialized help.  It may not be safe for her or their children to stay.  Some wives believe God wants them to stay –  I support them in their decisions if they believe this is what God wants them to do.  Some wives believe God wants them to leave – I support them in their decisions if they are seeking to hear and obey God’s voice.

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This is not an exhaustive list. But I do want women to know that they are NOT 100% responsible for all problems in marriage.  

There are very few situations where one spouse is completely responsible for all the problems.  Maybe we are only responsible for 10% of the issues.   Then it is our job to take care of all of our 10%.

  • We are responsible for our own sin, our obedience to Christ and our emotions.
  • Our husbands are not responsible for our sin, our happiness, our emotions, our spiritual maturity, our joy – Jesus is the only one who can give us true joy, contentment and peace.
  • Our husbands are responsible to God for their sin, their obedience to God and their emotions.
  • We are not responsible for our husbands’ sin, their happiness, their emotions, their spiritual maturity or joy – Jesus is the only one who can give them true joy, contentment and peace.
Our husbands’ sin does not give us an excuse to sin against God.
God still calls us to please Him, obey Him, be faithful to Him and to our marriage covenant. We don’t seek to be godly wives in order to change our husbands – we do it to please God. We leave the results with Him and seek His glory.  We let God handle our husbands.

We don’t take on our husband’s responsibilities, or God’s responsibilities –  only our own.

RESPECTING GOD AND OURSELVES
We don’t just respect our husbands as godly wives – we respect God first, and we also respect ourselves. (Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare)
We seek above all else to honor and glorify God.  That is our primary purpose in life as disciples of Christ.  I cannot let anyone come between me and Christ.  I must obey God above all else and seek to please Him in everything I do.  He alone is my Lord.  I must say, “Yes, Lord” whenever He asks me to do anything.  I have a holy, reverential fear of God above all else in my life.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Proverbs 1:7
We also need to have respect for ourselves as women.  We have a responsibility, perhaps even a duty, to set healthy boundaries and consequences if our husbands are mistreating us.  If we don’t respect ourselves and we tolerate terrible behavior from our husbands, they won’t respect us.  Respecting our husbands does not mean we cannot respect ourselves.  Respecting our husbands does not mean we must take abuse and act like that is ok.

Marriage should have love and respect going in both directions.  

(I Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives with honor so that their prayers will not be hindered.  Husbands are commanded to love their wives in Eph. 5:22-33.  Wives are commanded to love their husbands in Titus 2:3-5 and to respect them and honor their God-given authority in Ephesians 5:22-33)
If our husbands don’t respect us –  we lose our power to influence and inspire them. Men do not allow people they don’t respect to impact their decisions.  One great thing about becoming a more godly wife is that as we become more like Christ, it should be easier for our husbands to respect us, too.
BOUNDARIES
There are times that we may need to  pray, fast, seek godly counsel and we may have to respectfully say things like:
– Please do not speak to me like that.
– That really hurts me.  This is not ok.
– You cannot live with me if you are involved with another woman.
– I want to give you the gift of my desire and my body – but I need to know that I am safe with you.  I want to trust you completely.  This is so painful for me to say, but I can’t give myself to you when you have women friends you flirt with and talk about sex with.   That is disrespectful to me and our marriage.  We have a covenant before God.  This is not right.  Here are the things I need to see happen so that I can trust you before I can give myself to you again…”
– I cannot watch you destroy your life with alcohol/drugs.  I want us to tackle this together.  If you are willing to get help, let’s beat this together as a team.  If you are not willing to stop drinking/doing drugs, the kids and I cannot stay here (or you cannot stay here).  It would be wrong and unloving of me to act like that was ok.  This is not the real you.  I miss you!  You are a better man than this!  I know this is not the life you want for any of us.
– When you use porn, it hurts me so deeply and personally.  I feel betrayed.  Please don’t use porn anymore.    Let’s beat this thing together.  Tell me how I can help and what I can do to support you.
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Even if we must set healthy boundaries or consequences, there is no need for us to yell and curse. We can have respect for God, for ourselves and our husbands – without respecting sin.
***  If you are experiencing serious issues in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced help ASAP!  The statements I gave are only examples of things wives may need to say in certain situations.  I am sure they do NOT apply in every possible situation.
Please listen to God’s Spirit and obey His promptings over my suggestions!
  • There are times when He wants us to say nothing.
  • There are times when He wants us to say specific things.
  • There are times when we need to leave for our safety.
  • There are times when if we left, we would be in even more danger.
  • There are times when we need godly, wise counsel before we attempt to say  or do anything to our husbands.

I can’t begin to tell you what God desires you to do in your specific situation.  

I trust that He is able to give  you His wisdom as you repent of any sin in your own life and put all your faith and trust in Him and learn to abide in Him, feast on His Word, seek His face, die to self and submit yourself fully to Him as Lord.

RELATED:

When My Spouse is Wrong

My Secret Idol (from a wife whose idol was her husband’s salvation)

28 thoughts on ““Is It ALL My Fault?”

  1. Most husbands sin because they are sinners, just like wives. It drives us into a frenzied emotional mess when we think that because they are born again they will do little to no wrong. I fell into this trap after many years of looking forward to Darrell’s salvation. Thinking that’d all of our problems in marriage would just disappear “in a twinkling of an eye”. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t reveal all the changes I was looking for on the heels of his salvation.

    I do think there are miraculous conversions but that’s the point; they are ‘miraculous’ so they are rare. Most of us experience our maturity on a daily to weekly to monthly to yearly basis. Living out life through trials and falling and getting up … again and again, leaning heavily on God’s grace.

    1. Robyn,

      Yes, sanctification is a life long process of learning to use and possess all that Christ gives us at the moment of salvation. It is usually not instantaneous. Those expectations of ours can get us into so much trouble!

      Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  2. Thank you for this article. My husband has been out of the house for a month now. He was/is controlling of our finances. I suggested that he leave if he’d rather fight and control me. I have a two week old infant and three other young children. He left us without a car or any money, my name is not on the bank account. He had us living in my parents’ one room garage apartment! And here we are. I have been a stay at home, homeschooling mom for four years. I have not had a way of going anywhere for those years, and no way to access money. He never even let me see a bank statement or checkbook. He is a christian but full of pride and anger. He now wants to divorce me. When a man has such deeply rooted problems, to submit feels like compromising dignity.

      1. Check out Spiritual Authority There is a section toward the bottom about having a submissive spirit toward a person in authority over us even when we cannot do what they are asking us to do – if they are asking us to clearly sin or something, for instance. There is also a section at the very bottom from our minister who did the class about women in abusive situations.

        Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare, suggests “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship” by Leslie Vernick for women in very difficult situations.

  3. I feel very hurt and disrespected when my husband watches football cheer leaders and all the unclothe women on TV. He sees nothing wrong with this. It’s been going on for over our 24 year marriage and dating years. I can tell him, scream at him, it doesn’t matter because I am considered jealous or what do I expect him to do if it’s just a six second clip. How about moving away or changing channels. He rarely wants to have sex so this add to my anger and rarely compliments me. I’m so sorry that I am not model perfect and I am over weight! So I let go of my anger, fine. It never helps the situation, not that I want to remain angry. I feel bitter and hurt towards him. I just feel like leaving him.

    1. Roe,

      It sounds like you have a lot of pain. 🙁 I’m so sorry!

      Does your husband have a pornography addiction? Is he flirting with women? Does he make comments about the women?

      Is he purposely choosing programs with naked women – rated R or X movies?

      How long has it been that he rarely wants to have sex?

      Has he said that your weight is an issue for him?

      How is your time with God going?

      Do you both have a relationship with Christ?

      The screaming and yelling at him is definitely not going to be a winning approach. That is only going to repel him from you.

      When is the last time you “lost it” like that with him?

      Is he lusting after these women, or is the problem just that they are on the screen for a few seconds as he is watching football?

      Do you know that he is lusting? Or are you assuming?

      How severe is the problem on his end?

      All men are going to see women in the world who are immodestly dressed.

      My husband watches football. He sees the cheerleaders. That doesn’t phase me at all.

      – Could he lust after them?
      Yes.

      – Is he lusting after them?
      In my husband’s case, I don’t believe so.
      But it is not my responsibility to police his thoughts and what he watches on tv.

      I have seen a number of wives who made their husbands’ sinless thought life into an idol. I have seen wives drive themselves to insanity trying to keep their husbands from EVER seeing another woman who may be tempting. The thing is, we can’t control our husbands’ thoughts. That is not our job.

      Our job is to focus on not sinning in our own thoughts and on taking our thoughts captive for Christ. We can’t even keep ourselves from sinning in our own thoughts for 24 hours – how on earth can we enforce sinless perfection on our husbands’ thoughts?

      We can bless our husbands.
      We can learn to understand the temptations they face (which are many).
      We can learn to support them and ask how we can help them and be on their team against all the visual temptation in the world.
      We can dress nicely and fix our hair the way we know they like it and put some effort into our appearance to bless them.
      We can focus on being healthy – not becoming anorexic or bulimic, but just on walking for 30 minutes 5 days per week and eating a healthy diet with lots of fresh fruits and veggies.

      Our husbands will appreciate our efforts. Most of them don’t expect us to be a size 2. But many men are visual, and would appreciate us putting some effort into looking our best. We must be careful not to make beauty, thinness, food or exercise into idols that are more important to us than Christ.

      I can share, “I’d really rather you not watch X because of the way the women are dressed.”

      Expecting a husband not to ever watch football because there are a few seconds where cheerleaders are shown doesn’t seem like a realistic idea to me. Maybe there is more to it than that, which is why I have asked some deeper questions.

      But if I tell my husband, “You can’t watch football,” that would be pretty controlling on my part.

      Some men do “bounce their eyes” out of respect for their wives.

      That would be great.

      We can’t control our husbands, we can only control ourselves.
      We can influence them. But they are grown adults who need the freedom to make their own choices. Just like we do!

      What I would like to do is try to get a feel for what the scope of the issue is on both sides of this in your marriage. And then we can focus on things you can do on your end to move this in a healthy, godly, positive direction – if you are interested. 🙂

      Much love to you!!! Let’s hash through this tough issue together. You are not the only wife with these concerns. I’m sure there are hundreds of other wives who read this blog who have similar problems. Thank you for sharing and for speaking out about this important issue!

      1. I am quickly going through your questions.
        *I don’t think he’s addict to porn. But he does flirt with women when he feels like it.
        *He is probably not choosing those kind of programs.
        *Rarely interested in sex…too tired, has too prove he works hard. I feel unimportant because I don’t even make it to his priority list.
        *He has not commented on my weight gain, but in the past he has
        *I have time with God and a relationship with Christ.
        *I lost my cool last night and even when he called today. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s the unfortunate way to express my hurts and frustration with him.
        *Something may come his way, I don’t know if he’s lusting.
        *I understand it’s not my job to police his thought and watch what he watches on TV, but it’s enough for me to know I am not special to him. A man is visual. (you know & say that too)
        *I dress nicely and put effort into my appearance.
        *I’m not asking him to not watch football, but it is offensive when the cameraman shows the undressed cheerleaders as I call them, and men are expected to look!

        1. Roe,

          In an ideal world, all women would be dressed modestly. I totally agree. I don’t really even want my children seeing women who are dressed immodestly. I have a number of posts on the topic of modesty – so I am WITH you on this.

          If he is not addicted to porn and is not choosing sexually explicit movies and stuff, I wonder if it is possible that this may actually not be that big of a deal. If the biggest issue is that he sees cheerleaders on tv during a football game – that, in my view, is not worth getting upset about. Not unless he is degrading you or making sexual comments about the women or drool is running down his shirt. 🙂

          How does he flirt? Is he just friendly? Or does he use sexual innuendo or talk about sex or flirt as if he has designs on getting these women in bed with him? How severe is the flirting?

          Does he have any medical issues with ED, is he on medications that cause sexual side effects, does he have low testosterone? How many hours/week is he working?

          When you lash out, do you repent to your husband and to Christ?

          How respected does your husband feel in your marriage?

          Do you try to control him in other way as well?

          If you are holding on to bitterness, are you willing to let that go?

          Resentment, unforgiveness and bitterness are huge sins in God’s eyes. I used to hold on to these things, too. They are the kinds of things that will destroy a marriage. 🙁 (Matthew 6 after the Lord’s prayer, Jesus says that if we do not forgive those who sin against us, God will not forgive us our sin.)

          What did you say last night and today? What did he say?

          Maybe we can talk about some productive, healthy ways to approach the issue and share your feelings without sinning or destroying intimacy in your marriage.

          Some men are more visual than others. Yes. That is a burden that all men do bear to some degree – and some women do, too.

          What are you doing to be the godly wife God desires you to be?

          How are you showing that you respect and honor him?

          What are you doing to take care of your spirit and to find your contentment in Christ alone?

          Is it possible to acknowledge that cheerleaders being shown on TV during a football game is not his fault? Is it possible that this may not be something that would be worth scolding him about or demanding that he try to change the channel?

          If he is flirting with other women in a very blatant way, that is something that you may need to address.

          But – please keep in mind that if you verbally blast and emasculate and attack him for things – he is not going to care about your feelings.

          A man cares about the feelings of a woman who respects him, not one who treats him with contempt.

          If you want him to want to please you – be someone he can respect who has self-control with your words and tone of voice.

          Write emails to the tv companies and tell them you are offended about the cheerleaders. That would be more productive, in my view, than berating your husband for seeing cheerleaders during a football game.

          What is it that you really need and want from him for you to be content and happy in this marriage?

          Much love my sweet sister!

          1. You are understanding that it’s only cheerleaders, but what about all the other junk that comes on our tv and walks in front of us? It’s constantly in our face. Your husband may put you on a pedestal and honor you and make you feel wanted by him but mine doesn’t. Unless you walk the hurt you don’t understand it.

          2. Roe,

            I personally would like to not own a tv at all. My husband likes to watch tv.

            I don’t know if you ever read my about page. But – there were months, sometimes years where my husband would barely speak to me, barely touch me and barely look at me.

            My husband doesn’t put me on a pedestal. Thankfully! 🙂

            My husband did begin to change after God began to change me.

            I know i am asking a lot of questions – because I would like to dig down to the real issues that are going on. If you would prefer to email your answer to me, you certainly can at aprilc@sc.rr.com.

            I don’t know if your husband is lusting after women he sees on TV.

            But I do know that yelling and screaming at him is sin on your part. I am interested in focusing on your side of the equation because that is where your power is.

            I spent 14.5 years trying to make my husband change – I have been down that road. It doesn’t go anywhere good.

            I understand being rejected sexually. I have lived that – hundreds of times earlier in our marriage.

            I am glad to hash through this with you if you are interested. It might be a bit painful – but what you are experiencing right now is painful but not going anywhere healing or healthy. Yes, looking into these deeper issues can be painful at first, but then, often we can find great freedom, peace and joy!

            I am praying for you my friend. I’m here if you want to talk.

            It is up to you.

            I have walked with MANY other women through very similar issues. So far, the issues you have with your husband seem to be quite minor and I believe all of this is very fixable, if you are willing. That is awesome news!

            With love,
            April

    2. Hi, Roe.

      I hate that you are feeling so hurt right now. I have totally been there. I have been on this journey for about 13 months now- just sharing. 🙂

      A few thoughts that may help you. Sometimes when I get aggravated with my husband, I remind myself of the things he COULD be doing…. like maybe he is out with his buddies playing golf but he COULD be out at a bar….

      You could use this in your situation. Yes, your husband is seeing sometimes scantily clad cheerleaders (and other women on tv) but he COULD be out at a strip joint. This helps me put it in perspective.

      I do not like how cheerleaders dress, either. And my husband is a HUGE football buff. But I honestly don’t think about this too much. And it would be much less hurtful if you don’t let your mind go there. Of course, if your husband is saying things about the cheerleaders, you can tell him that is hurtful to you.

      He really could be doing SO much worse than seeing these women on tv. I think sometimes when weight is an issue for us (and I have been there, my friend) that we are a little more touchy about how our husband notices or might notice other women.

      About the sex thing- some men really don’t have the high drive others do. My husband works a lot of hours and is tired a lot too. I have dealt with having a higher drive than him and that was hard. April has a post about letting him pursue you that might help you- you can ask her about it if she doesn’t see this.

      About the complimenting thing…. Oh, sister, can I relate to you here!!!! My husband used to NEVER, EVER compliment me- well, very, VERY rarely. I will be honest with you. In the time we have been married (a decade +), he had only complimented me MAYBE 3 times until I began working on ME and trying to become a more godly wife. Since I really got serious with God about realizing my husband belongs to God and it is God’s place to work with him, teach him and correct him, my husband has made some big changes and some surprising ones…. One of those is that he now compliments me! I am still surprised he does this! It isn’t always when I want him too (like when I am dressed up for church) or the way I want him to but I have had to learn to be grateful for his sweet words. It can happen for you.

      And it may be possible that you are not understanding how your husband really feels. I know I felt like I didn’t mean very much to my husband in the past and was wrong. Men show things in such different ways than us. One of the biggest ways is by working for their family- that is how my husband shows it.

      I just finished one of the most wonderful books- Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph. It has a section on becoming closer to God and a section on marriage that might really help you right now.

      You are among friends here. <3 And I am praying God soothe your hurt and guide your marriage.

  4. Great information as always! I have felt like this a few times on my journey…”is it all my fault?” Even if I am doing things just right, this doesn’t mean that my husband will be doing right in response. I am also guilty of being codependent with my husband’s joy. I know this is sinful and I am repentant. I am working each day, praying to lay down my sinful nature and follow Christ … For obedience to God and to follow His will and not for my selfish desires. (Aka if I’m a good Christian wife (does NOT) = my Husband will honor me and cherish me and be a good Christian husband)

    I am guilty of making my husband and marriage my idol. I am also guilty of wishing to control my husband’s sin.
    Let me remember : “We are not responsible for their sin and behavior.”

    I pray that God will help me get out of my own way so that I may truly honor God in my marriage and life for God’s glory. Thank you!

  5. April,
    Thank you for this post! It’s amazing to me when I think of how powerful we wives imagine ourselves in the whole scheme of things. . . . . .

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how my husband is my brother in Christ and how my disrespect makes him stumble in his walk. . . causing him to be unloving or short tempered (or whatever) with me. . . but to think I’m the ONLY thing that makes him stumble. . . that’s just egocentric.

    A large part of this whole struggle is the big power trip we are on. . . thanks for your help in convicting my heart of one more detail!

  6. Roe-

    You should realize there is a silver lining in this for you, that you have not quite noticed yet. And that is the fact that your husband is not submitting to you, especially given the nature of how you are addressing him. If he was falling all over himself to please and supplicate to you, you would end up despising him.

    One thing about women, they will forgive men for being bad, but they cannot stand a weak man. So for now, he is keeping the peace by not directly challenging you, but he not bowing to your demands. Good for him.

    Personally, if my wife tried to get me to stop doing something by issuing a command, I would tell her:

    “You have now forced my hand. I am going to have to continue doing this thing, because I will not have you thinking that I am here to submit to your commands.”

    For a woman to use insistence and demands to get her man in line is really no different than a man using similar tactics to get her to be intimate. Would you want to be bullied into sex? I think not. Well, if what you say is true, perhaps he needs to stop looking at those women.

    But God is not a God of shortcuts, and God will not give you means to bypass his means and methods, and simply order your husband around like a child.

    If you want what you want, you are going to have to get it the “hard way”. God’s way.

    As you can see, I’m an even tougher case as men go. Be glad you have an easier going guy than me.

    1. Jack,

      I know that it is going to be really difficult for a lot of women to hear this, especially when they are in pain, but I actually agree with you.

      I am now very thankful that Greg didn’t bow to me and do all the things I demanded that he should do in the past. I was wrong to approach him that way.

      Now, I see that he has a backbone and that it is an important leadership quality that he wouldn’t cave in and do whatever I insisted that he do. Of course, it took a long time for me to actually be able to see that, and even longer for me to truly be thankful for it.

      Now, I know I sabotaged myself. If I had approached him with my desires with respect and by giving requests instead of orders and demands – we would have BOTH been so much happier for many years.

      God did not allow me to take that shortcut around my husband that I wanted to take. I tried that route for a LONG, LONG time.

      Thank you for sharing. I think you offer a great deal of insight into this situation and wisdom for those who are able to hear it.

  7. Thanks. And as I have said before, it is perfectly acceptable for a wife to submit “under protest”.

    Submission does not mean agreement, it does not mean you like what is happening, it does not mean that he is right and you are wrong.

    Like love, it is a decision, not a feeling. An act of one’s will.

    In fact, submitting while respectfully protesting is better than just shutting up, since if you stifle your feelings, he may never pick up on the fact that there are things making you sad or hurt.

    I’ll never forget what that pastor’s wife said:

    “I am going to be a blessing to you no matter what you do”.

    He said is was like a punch to the gut. I’m sure David felt the same way when he got called out for killing Uriah.

    1. Jack-
      Thank you so much for the reminder that submission is a choice not a feeling. For so long I thought I had to have the perfect godly attitude to be submissive. When that didn’t happen automatically (I was a Christian so it should be happening, right?), I continued down my controlling, prideful ways. I’m still there, but at least I have some Truth coming into the picture now.

  8. This is a wonderful Article. I know many of my sins have really hurt our family. But at the same time some of my reactions stem from not feeling safe. My husband has never provided a stable income for our family. He has lost multiple jobs and worked part time for 10 years. I catch him looking at porn 3-4 times a year.
    I work full time to keep a roof over our heads and he is now staying home with our boys. He got our pre-schooler kicked out because he couldn’t pick him up on time. He was leaving the kids home alone and in the car alone to go to the store until I found out and got horribly angry. He still thinks it wasn’t that big of deal.
    I find it is very hard to make love to him and I know that is partly why he looks at porn.
    He is a very sweet person and doesn’t say mean things or cause me physical harm. But after 10 years of trying to maintain our family financially and constantly being worried about my kids I feel like a separation for a time is needed. What are your thoughts?

    1. Confused wife,

      There are definitely challenges here. Being married to a sinner always does present difficulties.

      But I do not believe from what you have described here that separation is necessary. Of course, I am not God. You will answer to Him, not to me.

      How old are your children?

      I would suggest reading Tim Keller’s Grace Filled Marriage. There is even a chapter on porn.

      Much love to you! Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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