Skip to main content

“My Wife Would Bless Me If…”

697293_93862291

From a husband who reads my blog:

1.  My wife’s default response to a suggestion or request (I rarely make demands) would be to say “Sure, no problem” rather than being met with a litany of reasons why my request is unreasonable.

2. When I try to make things more efficient to lessen her load to at least consider it rather than giving me multiple reasons why she is right and I am wrong.

3. When I do an extra project around the house, to acknowledge it and overlook imperfections.

4. Her default mode would be to believe the best in me rather than the worst.

5. When I get her a gift that she would actually use it. I have all but given up on shopping for gifts for her because they are always tossed aside or returned.

6. She would consider my desires above the children’s.

7. She would support me with the children rather than undermining me and my role in their lives. Because of her constant undermining, they tend to ignore most things that I tell them to do but when they ignore her, she demands that I stand with her and support her.

8. She would realize that I truly do try to protect her from poor decisions. There have been multiple decisions she has forced that I tried talking her out of where she refused. In fact, the more I tried to reason with her, the more stubborn she became. Then, when things turn out the way I warned her about, she wont even acknowledge it or learn from it. I guess to do so would cost her some control.

9. She would laugh along with us as I play with my kids rather than criticizing me for something I say or do. I used to wrestle with them but if they bumped something and got hurt, she would chew me out. After this happened a few times I stopped wrestling with them.

10. When I ask her to play cards, a game or something after we put our kids to bed that she would say sure, I would love to rather than giving me a long explanation of how tired she is and that I should know she needs to relax. I just want to have some fun with her.

11. When I tell her a story about something that happened that she would listen to me rather than interrupt me. Men share their feelings and what is important to them by telling stories. This is how men bond.

12. When I give her a compliment she would just say thank you and accept it rather than demanding I be more specific, disagreeing with me, fishing for more compliments or going on and on about how she needs more compliments. This just shuts me down and makes me fear complimenting her.

13. When I get something we need at the store and have to use a credit card that she would say thank you for making her job easier rather than scolding me for ruining our budget.

14. When I take a responsibility from her to lighten her load, that she wouldn’t fill that new free time in her schedule with another responsibility. It just makes us both busier.

15. She would laugh along with my humor rather than criticizing me for it.

16. When I come up to her to give her a hug or rub her back, that she would respond positively rather than ignore me.

17. When I plan a date or a family activity, that she would be flexible enough to try to make it work rather than always saying no because there is something already planned in the schedule.

RELATED:

Being a Cheerful Receiver

A Husband’s Pain – His Wife’s Body Image Issues

From Clark Kent to Super Man – Bringing Out the Hero in Our Husbands

Dealing with Financial Stress in Marriage

I MUST HAVE THAT HOUSE!

What Speaks Respect to Husbands

Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

45 thoughts on ““My Wife Would Bless Me If…”

  1. Wow, some of these hit home for me big time. One of them is about compliments. When I compliment my wife, her default response lately has become “no I’m not, I’m ugly/fat/homely/etc”. I wish wives would come automatically knowing when to just (accept a compliment). LOL.

    1. These are things my husband has specifically requested of me. I see that he is not alone in his requests, and neither am I alone in my responses. This was an eye-opener to me. Sadly, it took a stranger to make the point rather than the man God gave me.

      1. Jeri,

        Thanks for sharing! For some reason, when we see that other husbands – many other husbands- feel the same way our men do, it can be a powerful thing to help us understand the validity of our husbands’ perspectives.

        I am so glad to hear from you. I had a feeling that this list would be quite eye opening for many wives.

        Praying for God’s glory in your life and in your marriage! 🙂

  2. April,
    This post breaks my heart and makes me cringe. I pray that the things that I was (formerly, praise God) guilty of doing would never be a part of my character ever again! Thank you for reminding me of what The Lord has redeemed and restored in my beautiful 23-year marriage.
    Love to you,
    Martha

    1. Martha,

      This post breaks my heart, too. I pray that it will inspire and challenge many of us to see things from our husbands’ perspectives and to seek to bless, honor and respect them and to build up our marriages instead of tearing our husbands and marriages down.

  3. Wow, my husband has expressed concern about ALL of these points. They are so on the mark and similar to what he has pointed out, that I think he might have been the “from a husband who reads my blog”.

      1. He is speaking for mIne …without a shadow of a doubt! But I am learning and doing so much better with the Lord’s help. And my man is starting to respond positively but is still keeping his guard up.its so hard to read these things and see myself in a 20 of them almost. I can remember times when I would ask my husband which dress he liked better and he would always comment why are you asking because you are going to pick the opposite one from the one I tell you I like. Did that say anything to get my attention? No! I never thought anything of it but obviously It hurt him. I really believe there is no way he can or will forgive and forget and let me start with a clean slate, I will have to prove to him that I now understand my huge sin of disrespect.

    1. Sadly, as I was reading this, I too was convinced that my husband is likely the writer! I will be praying for you JT, . . . . seems we have similar struggles !

  4. WOW, these really hit home with me also. I pray that God will help me to remember how to respond when these situations arise in the future!

  5. I have experienced basically all of these 17 situations and attitudes from my wife. It is a very disheartening feeling for a husband, and it stems from selfishness, lack of respect and the feminist movement. The person in a wife’s life who should be treated the best is too often treated the worst. It is thus understandable why too many husbands shut down, and not allow themselves to be vulnerable.

    1. Yes Jim you are right! I see my husband responding to me in a nice way more and more everyday but still I can tell he is afraid I will go back to my old ways of hateful sarcastic control and doesn’t want to put himself out there. He just can’t seem to forgive me and I know that will be something he will have to have God help him do.

    2. My heart goes out to all husbands who have felt this way, including my own! Honestly, Jim, a lot of wives really don’t know any better because they have never been taught- I know I hadn’t. I did not have a good role model for marriage and had no idea what I was doing… combine that with a bad first marriage that left me fiercely independent, I acted in many ways that I am now ashamed of… and a lot of it was that I simply did not see my sin. I did not know what it meant to respect my husband.

      Thankfully, he has such a forgiving heart and is patient while I am learning to be a better wife. I love learning about what is important to him and how to meet his needs.

      Perhaps your wife doesn’t understand, either. Thankfully, it is something that can be learned and it enriches your marriage so much- for both parties.

      Wishing you all the best.

      1. Fellow wife…I too had a bad first marriage…not horribly bad, just an irresponsible husband. I HAD to keep things going, food on the table, bills paid etc because he sure didn’t. And doing that from 17 yrs old until I divorced him at 35 yrs old, I didn’t quite know how to handle a “responsible” husband and continued to carry on as I always had, making it all happen, controlling the money, bills, directions we took on a trip, trying to force him to eat healthier, pushing my beliefs on him where health and wellness are concerned just to name a few! I didn’t have a clue that I was in the wrong and putting a strain between us. We have been married 20 years and I took him for granted. In my defense, our relationship was so “perfect” compared to my first marriage, i never would have thought he’d ever be so distant. But with God’s help and me stumbling upon this blog, I have learned a lifetime of lessons in 9 months.

    3. Jim,
      Thank you so much for sharing a husband’s perspective. Your insights are invaluable to the wives who are in the beginning stages of this journey – many of them have husbands who will not or cannot voice their feelings right now. Hearing a husband’s perspective from a 3rd party is POWERFUL for the wives who read my blog. I appreciate your willingness to comment. 🙂

  6. Thank you for your post. It is most helpful to us to see the hubby’s side of things. Unfortunately I can see myself in a good many of these. Of course I now know most of the ways I messed up with my controlling and hateful ways, husband is still so distant I don’t get much of an opportunity to show a change other than just being as respectful as I know how. Although he has been emotionally shut down for 9 months, he has started to hug me sometimes when he goes to work and now talks to me with a smile in his eyes rather than a glare. I don’t know how long it will be before he trusts me enough to let his guard down and become intimate with me again, but I feel I am at least on the right track now. I do everything that I feel is pleasing to the Lord first and foremost and have no expectations of my husband, but I glory in anything he does no matter how little that shows me he really does still love me.

  7. I am sure I used to do at least 10 of these things on this husband’s list. 🙁

    I agree that I did NOT see my sin. At all. I only saw that my husband was unloving and distant. I was completely blind to all my sin, pride, idolatry, disrespect… it is crazy! The human heart is truly deceitful above all things – and, apart from Christ, there is no cure.

    I pray for each of these precious sisters of mine as they struggle to learn to become godly wives. This is a difficult, painful journey – especially at first. Please don’t give up! Yes, it will take some time for your husband to trust that the changes in you are real and that this is the new you in Jesus. I know it hurts when you are trying so hard to change and respect him and he doesn’t show any appreciation for all the hard work you are doing. But I will tell you this – HE DOES NOTICE. He may say nothing. But he notices, and as you continue to grow in Christ and be filled with His Spirit and learn to speak this strange new language of respect, most husbands do eventually soften.

    Thankfully – God will reward us for our obedience to Him no matter what our husbands do.

    I am actually thankful that husbands don’t respond quickly to our changes, or we would hold on to some of our pride and control, thinking that we changed them and taking way more credit than we should. It is a blessing that husbands often don’t respond for a long time because it forces us to purify and refine our motives to be only to please and obey Jesus and to bless our husbands. That’s it.

    I am so thankful Greg was infinitely patient and forgiving as I was learning and stumbling and messing up and had NO CLUE what I was doing for about 2 years! I pray God might use me somehow to connect the dots closer for the women who come behind me – that this journey might not feel like having to “reinvent the wheel” completely the way it felt for me. And I pray that it will feel like you have a tutor instead of the way I felt – like I was trying to learn Chinese with no teacher and no text book.

    I pray for the husbands who are hurting – that God might give them wisdom and that He might open their wives’ eyes.

    I pray for wives who are hurting – that God might give you His Spirit of power, love and a sound mind to continue on doing what is right without growing weary. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Christ and in your marriages.

    1. Thank you for helping wives connect the dots between their behaviors and their husbands reactions. My wife really doesn’t see the connection between her behaviors, like the ones listed above and my being emotionally shut down and in a self protective mode. Her actions and reactions create an atmosphere of fear. Jesus said that perfect love casts out fear. It is difficult to show love to someone you are afraid of.

    2. U are very mature, I pray that God bring me to a mature mindset as well just like you, just like what husbands need maturity and not child like behavoir. I thank God for the words of wisdom u shared.

  8. I definitely do some of these things, too. As I was reading the post, in my mind I was defending myself, with reasons WHY I do these things. But perhaps that is the enemy putting EXCUSES in my head. Thanks for sharing this! 🙂

  9. My hubby could have also written this post. 🙁

    Although I have to confess, I’m wrestling with #13. That’d be a difficult one even now. I would say “thank you for thinking of me” or something similar before addressing the budget, but I would much rather do without than use credit cards, or withdraw from savings or some other such thing.

    What would be a respectful way of addressing this? (Money spent by hubby intending to help wife when you don’t have the money to spend?)

  10. This was the story of my life with my wife for 19 years and then I realized the only way it was going to be different is if I chose to respond differently. I now respond to my wife in a healthy adult way and do not allow her to get away with treating me improperly. I must hold her accountable for her actions by how I interact with her. Whether she changes or not is no longer my issue, how I respond is, and I will let God decide whether she changes or not. One important thing I realized (and it is sad) some people may never change and sometimes that person is your wife. 🙁

    1. David,
      I wish Greg had lovingly confronted me about my sin during those first 14 years of our marriage. I had no idea he was hurt, no idea he had feelings, no idea I was doing anything that wounded him. It was not a gift to either of us for him to say nothing and just keep taking my disrespect and control.

      It is true that we cannot change people. But we are responsible for our own actions, attitudes and responses.

      Praying for God’s wisdom and power to be the man He desires you to be for His glory and praying for Him to work in your wife and in your marriage to accomplish His purposes. Thank you for sharing!

      1. Just to be clear, in my case, when I have mentioned my hurt, this is met with more disrespect, that this is due to unresolved childhood issues, due to personality defect, etc.

        The train doesn’t stop.

        1. Johnmcg,

          That is why many husbands stop saying anything. :(. But, if you don’t say anything, then she will assume you are fine or that you don’t have feelings.

          I pray you can share your concerns and that she might be open to what you have to say.

          Have you read the post my husband has on his blog from last feb by a husband who prayed for God to reveal his wife’s disrespect and lack of submission to her and in a few weeks, God did?

          It is an awesome story! Very inspirational. http://Www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com

  11. While I agree with 99% of what the husband said, since it is near Christmas I want to talk about the gift giving part and learn how to deal with that. My husband is the type that will go shopping the day before Christmas Eve. I will have supplied him a list earlier in the month that contains all sorts of things that meet our $20 limit and stores were he can get them. Here is Christmas before last. He goes to none of the stores suggested. He goes to one high end store and buys me this huge square purse thing that holds a laptop. I don’t own a laptop. I am a homeschool mom and that purse would only look good with suit and I would never use anything that big. His excuse, Everything else was sold out, that is all they had. And it cost 3 times our limit so he had to charge it. I returned it and got some sterling silver earrings for $12. Last Christmas was fine because I just told him to get me nothing and he did just that. He loves everything I get him and is often surprised that I remembered something he liked. But, I don’t understand why he can’t extend the same care especially with a list of easy things to pick up. So how do I deal with this one?

    1. DaisyMae,

      My husband loves to shop on Christmas Eve.

      That is not wrong. It is just different. 🙂

      Some people are awesome gift givers, some are not.

      I am a terrible gift giver. I finally turned all of that over to my husband who loves to give gifts. It took tons of stress off of me and he enjoys it! 🙂

      I let him pick what he wants for himself because it is usually some pricey electronic thing that he would want to choose and not have me pick for him.

      I give him some ideas of things I would like. But I don’t pressure him. And, really, if I got nothing, I would still be deliriously happy.

      He may not be as good at giving gifts. He may not be as good at administration or planning ahead – but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, precious girl! 🙂

      This isn’t the exact same situation, but it kind of reminds me of a situation a single woman had on my other blog recently…

      Thought you might enjoy reading about what happened with her… The Visit

      1. Thanks for the link. Even though I don’t sound like it from my post about Christmas, my husband says I am the most low maintenance woman in the world. He could buy me a bottle of fingernail polish (for my toes) he picked up at the corner store and I would be thrilled. It was more about the waste of money and the totally inappropriate gift that upset me. And what I would have done if I was the girl in the story would have been to go to the gym for starts even if I just watched which is probably what he wanted. My favorite date is a dirt road and a sunset. 🙂

        1. DaisyMae,

          Hopefully, you can share what you would like for Christmas, in a pleasant way, and he will hear your heart. I think he wants to please you. Gift giving may not be his forte, but you can certainly share your preferences and praise him when he does things you really appreciate. 🙂

    2. Veronica,

      IT was definitely a divine appointment. 🙂 I’m so excited I got to meet you and have the honor of walking with you on this journey… even if I am oceans away.

      A Peacefulwives’ Club?
      You are already part of it, aren’t you? 🙂

      Much love my friend!

    3. My husband always waits until just before Christmas to do any gift shopping. This used to upset me deeply because I thought his last minute shopping meant that he didn’t really care WHAT he got me and that I was last on his priority list. But now that I am looking at him through God’s eyes, I see that my husband actually ENJOYS the excitement of down-to-the-wire shopping and he can get more for his money because of last minute sales. It’s fun for him to wait!
      Maybe your dh didn’t realize it was a laptop bag? He may have thought it was a nice tote to carry books and things in. I don’t know your situation, but could he have also been unconsciously rebelling against you telling him what to buy and where? Men generally HATE being told what to do. 🙂 It’s just a thought…. Love you, sister!

      1. No, he wasn’t rebelling. And he didn’t think it would be nice to carry books. And he wanted the list. He just lost it 2 weeks before and didn’t ask for another. He said the store was just crowded and he didn’t want to go anywhere else and he figured I could exchange it for something I wanted. I think the fact that I am so low maintenance, he just didn’t worry about it. From now on I will just put the list away and hand him it to me before he walks out the door or remind him when he leaves what $ limit we agreed to. 🙂

  12. Hi April! I think I posted on another blog post and got a reply here. 😀 Anyway, I read every.single.one of your posts not just once but multiple times daily, so I found your response nonetheless. 🙂 A big warm hug to you, our Titus 2 elder, and to all the Peaceful Wives from all over the world. 🙂 By the way, I am from the Philippines. God bless us all in our walk with the Lord.

  13. RE we married to the same person? I have tried to stop saying anything and now I am being accused of turning away, disrespecting, dismissing her, shutting down etc. I have given up on intimacy and just praying for a little peace.

    1. David,

      Would your wife be open to reading a book with you?

      How can we best pray for you?

      I am praying for the strongholds of the enemy to come crashing down for you both and for you both to repent of any sin and that God might give you new hearts and minds and that you might bring great glory to Him and be fruitful in His kingdom, and that your marriage might draw many to Christ.
      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

  14. I am truly trying to understand my role as a submissive wife. Am a lot of the points on this blog post make sense to me. However, I am confused with a few. Specifically, numbers 1, 8, and 13. Why is it okay for the husband to try to protect his wife from poor decisions (#8) and expect her to say “sure, no problem”, when she is expected to turn a blind eye to his poor decisions (#13). Can someone explain this to me please? Thank you 🙂

    1. Stephanie,

      Hopefully, husbands AND wives will both extend grace to one another. That would be ideal.

      If you haven’t, please check out the posts at the top of my home page about spiritual authority, a husband’s and a wife’s authority in marriage, biblical submission and submitting under protest. I hope those might be helpful! 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: