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My Worry Insults My Husband

Fear fuels worry.
Fear motivates me to try to control other people and God.
Fear cannot cause peace.
Fear does not know how BIG God is or see God clearly.
Fear leaves God and His sovereignty out of the picture.
Fear causes me to doubt God and be a “double minded” person who is blown and tossed by the waves – and then I should not think I would receive anything from the Lord.
Faith and trust spring from love.
God’s Spirit always brings peace, not fear.
Perfect love casts out all fear.

I have to chose between worry or faith – I can’t have both!   This is true with God and it is true with my husband. 

God commands us as wives to respect our husbands and honor their God-given leadership.  That is a picture of how God’s people are to relate to Christ – with respect, reverence and submission to His authority and leadership as our Lord.  He also commands us not to worry but to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WIFE DOESN’T TRUST HER HUSBAND UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES
  • Husbands thrive best in an environment where they feel trusted, respected, admired and important to their wives.
  • Husbands can become paralyzed, unplugged, bitter, angry and stunted when they feel disrespected and when they know their wives don’t trust them or admire them or have faith in them. 

Gary Thomas, in “Sacred Influence,” describes that husbands look into their “wife mirror” to see what their reflection is.  They often believe what we reflect back to them and become more and more like the man we say they are.  We have SO MUCH POWER to harm our men and discourage them and destroy them or to build them up, bless them and empower them to become the men God desires them to be.

 ****** If your marriage has serious problems, you may not be able to fully trust your husband, if there is some kind of major addiction, infidelity, physical abuse or uncontrolled mental condition – please get experienced, godly help ASAP!  Hopefully, you will be able to rebuild trust in time.  But you may need help.  There are times we can’t trust our husbands, but we can always trust God.
Here is an example:
How would a husband feel if his wife often tells him how to drive and where to go and how to park and is very anxious the whole time he is driving?  (For this example, I am talking about in town driving to very familiar places.  I am also talking about a husband who pretty much obeys the traffic laws and has only had one ticket ever in his life.)
  • “You are  going the wrong way and that if you went the other way, it would be so much faster!”
  • “Why didn’t you go through that yellow light?  (SIGH!)  Now we will be so much later to the restaurant!  I HATE being late!”
  • “You should have cut that car off!  You’re driving too slowly!  The speed limit is 60 here, you know.”
  • “This is such a dumb way to go.  Who would ever take THIS road?”
  • GASP!!!!!!!!!! CRINGE, SCREAM! (When he actually is driving responsibly)
  • “You are such a dangerous driver!  Slow down!  Slow down!  You are going to kill us all!”  as she clings to the door handle.
  • “You better take this parking spot!  It’s the best one.  How could you have passed that space up?  Now we’ll have to walk so much farther.  You can’t do anything right!”

Does he feel trusted by her?

Does he feel respected by her?
Does he feel admired by her?
Nope!

Does he feel more attracted to her?

Does he want to cherish her and protect her more?

Does he feel more love in his heart for her?

Nope.

A wife who trusts her husband’s driving is relaxed, happy, stress-free, calm, peaceful and enjoying the time to be together and the scenery.  Even if he takes a wrong turn – she trusts that he will figure things out and she is gentle, patient and at peace.

It is a wife’s genuine trust and faith in his abilities and his competence and responsibility that inspire a man to greater heights.  If she is worried, afraid, anxious and trying to control him – he may want to leave or not be around her so much.

– he may lose a lot of his attraction to her eventually

– he may even begin to believe her and become more and more the unreliable, untrustworthy, irresponsible, unplugged, uncaring man that she insists he is.

OTHER EXAMPLES OF AREAS WHERE A WIFE’S WORRY CAN MAKE HER HUSBAND FEEL DISRESPECTED:

  • his decisions as a father – he wants to know she supports him, especially in front of the children
  • his financial decisions – he wants to know his wife trusts him with the finances.
  • his having to work extra – which is one of the primary ways most husbands try to show love for their wives and families – if a wife worries and is very anxious about him working extra, it can make him feel like he is in a lose/lose situation.  He wants to provide well, but his wife is unhappy.  That is a difficult position for many husbands.
  • his struggles with visual temptation – if his wife cannot understand his struggle, blames him or condemns him or worries that he will leave her or accuses him of unfaithfulness, when he is actually being faithful – it can be soul crushing for a man

WHAT DOES MY WORRY TELL MY HUSBAND?

  • I don’t trust him
  • I don’t trust God
  • I think he’s going to mess things up
  • I don’t think he is capable and competent
  • I don’t have faith in him as the God-given leader in our marriage
  • I don’t have grace for him if he does make a mistake
  • I don’t think he is man enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc…. to handle things

A lot of husbands take their wives’ worry and anxiety pretty personally – more than they should, quite honestly!

MEN TEND TO MEASURE THEIR SUCCESS AS HUSBANDS BY THEIR WIVES’ HAPPINESS

Most men use their wives’ level of contentment, satisfaction and happiness as a barometer to indicate how well they are doing as husbands and as men.  An anxious, worried wife is NOT a happy wife.  So a husband may well feel like a failure when he has a continually worried, fearful, upset, anxious wife.

He is NOT actually responsible for her happiness.  He is responsible to please and obey Christ. She is responsible to God for her own joy and spiritual growth and trusting Him.    Many men don’t realize that a worried/anxious/fearful/controlling wife’s real issue is that her trust and faith in God is lacking and that she doesn’t understand God’s sovereignty – and she may even have idols in her heart.  I sure did!

SOME THINGS HUSBANDS NEED FROM THEIR WIVES:

  • faith in his abilities
  • a genuine look of admiration in our eyes
  • real respect for the good things he does to contribute to the marriage and family
  • grace, mercy and forgiveness – he is a sinner, just like us, after all!
  • a desire to re-establish trust if trust has been broken
  • a cooperative attitude towards his leadership, ideas, plans and dreams
  • a wife who is open and joyfully receptive to him mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically
  • a wife who can ask for what she wants and needs in a respectful, polite, pleasant way
  • a wife who understands his needs, his preferences and his unique personality
  • a wife who prays FOR him as a teammate, not against him
  • a wife who sees herself on equal footing with him, not above him as if she is better than he is

FROM MY SISTER IN CHRIST, ROBYN:

I used to worry a lot too! Darrell said he found it slightly offensive. I thought that was interesting. He said it was like I didn’t trust him to do the job that God called him to do of caring for and loving us by his leadership.

It makes sense. God as placed all authorities in place, so ultimately when I worry about my life or decisions that my husband could/would make, I’m ultimately not really trusting God. I guess it boils down to actions. You can say you trust God all you want but if it doesn’t transfer out of your heart into your actions, then it’s kind of a moot issue.

April, when you started to trust more and worry less, did you notice a difference in your man? I sure noticed one in mine.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

YES!  As I learned to trust God and my husband – I learned both at the same time – my husband began to stand taller and began to be much more confident as he made decisions. He began to come back to life and eventually, the competent, plugged in, loving, caring, amazing man I fell in love with – returned! Even better, actually!

FROM ROBYN:

Isn’t it totally a WIN/WIN !!! (some days the blessings are so intense it’s too much to bear)

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

It SO IS a win/win.

So many women think that respecting their husband and honoring his leadership would lead to oppression and losing “power” in the marriage. It has been totally the opposite for me. I have found freedom, my real identity, my true purpose in life, my greatest power as a woman (godly power), and I am now a blessing to my man. And God has changed him, too – in time.  (it took a few years for both of us to really change – but there were glimmers of hope along the way that were very encouraging!)

Yes, the blessings are intense. I am in constant awe of God and my husband. :)

SHARE:

What is something you tend to worry and obsess about that your husband has tried to get you to stop worrying about and to trust him about it?

What is something that you worry about that you can’t seem to let go?

How different would your marriage be if you were willing to learn to trust God and trust your husband and let go of fear, worry, anxiety and control?

GENTLEMEN:

I’d love for  you to share your perspective on this topic!

43 thoughts on “My Worry Insults My Husband

  1. Worry has definitely been one of my problems over the past 8 years. A good bit of it was just like the driving scenario you mentioned in this post. Now I wasn’t THAT obnoxious, but I would say “are you sure you know this is the right way to go?” “Oh! you just missed a parking spot” or “why are you parking in the lower 40 when I have on heels and have to walk so far?” Not mean spirited, but for sure not trusting that he knew how to drive!! You my new friend are opening my eyes every time I open my email and read from your writing and those of other wives posting their experiences. I work all day and try not to come home and jump on the computer (since that is one of the things he has mentioned that I was bad to do) so i don’t post a lot. I have lots more to my story of worry and not trusting…I haven’t even touched the surface. And I have a wonderful husband, godly man, the most trustworthy one I’ve ever known…and I’ve hurt his soul. I am so trying to correct all of my mistakes/sins between me and my Heavenly Father and to the leader of our home…my sweet faithful husband. With God’s help and your divine insight, it will happen! My faith is increasing every day as I drive to work and pray and think on what I’ve read. I’ve had to start carrying my makeup with me everywhere I go, because I end up crying all my makeup off!! Thank you April! I hope to have time alone this weekend to catch up on on the links you mentioned. I want to absorb it all!

    1. LearningtoLean,

      I always love hearing from you!!!! 🙂

      “Are you sure…” and “Why would you…” are probably going to be on your husband’s list of things that feel disrespectful to him. Most husbands really do not like being questioned constantly. (Actually, I would hate that, too!!!!!!) I know that we as wives don’t usually intend disrespect when we ask things like that – but our questions reveal the level of trust in our hearts for God and for our men.

      Ok, if you are wearing heals and you would prefer not to walk so far, here is a suggestion-
      In a pleasant, friendly tone of voice and with a smile, say something like:
      “Honey, I would love it if you would please drop me off at the door. That would help me out so much with these heels. Thank you! You’re the best!”

      You can communicate what you need – but in a way that is not disrespectful of your man, but actually builds him up. This is SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL! 🙂 You are going to love it!

      I am so excited about what GOd is doing in you. With this humble, teachable attitude – WATCH OUT! God is going to rock your world. 🙂

      You are always welcome to email me if you want to.

    2. This post really speaks to me. I’m a young newly wed and literally a month after the wedding I found myself doing all the above. I truly believe G-d led me to this site for a reason. I’m still months away from my first anniversary and I’m terrified I am failing the hubby already. I was just fired from my first job out of college, hubby is delpoying in a few weeks, and we just bought a house. “Worry” is my middle name. I am spinning out of control. I’ll keep reading this site.

      1. Portia,

        Congratulations on your new marriage! I am very pleased to meet you. 🙂

        Maybe it will help you to know that only 1 week into our marriage, things spun totally out of control and I was a complete and total wreck. The things I talk about on this blog are things I WISH someone could have explained to me 19 years ago!

        I am glad you are here. YOu are always welcome to comment or to email me if you want to talk. aprilc@sc.rr.com. Much love to you! I am praying for God to work in your heart in a mighty way and for Him to work in your marriage – and for you to be able to rest safely in His peace, love and sovereignty!

    1. Anne,

      This is a topic that is a struggle for almost every woman I have ever met. But PRAISE GOD – He can give us victory over worry and we can live in His supernatural peace and joy – trusting in Him with all our hearts. It is the most amazing place in the world. 🙂

  2. I struggle with this issue. My husband has never given me a reason not to trust him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m constantly full of worry, all the time! I don’t know what to do anymore. I pray and pray and get really close with God, then I go and get side tracked and slack, its horrible! I get these feelings all the time that I’m not important to my husband or feel unappreciated. But, maybe the reason he plays computer games from the time he gets off work until about midnight, is b/c he doesn’t want to be around a nagging/complaining/worrying wife. Just asking for prayer, please. I think I’m ruining my marriage. Good article by the way… I follow your blog very faithfully, I love it, and very encouraging.

    1. Christina,

      Let’s talk about this!

      How do you respond to your husband when you feel unappreciated? What do you do? What is your facial expression? What do you say? What is your tone of voice?

      How long have you felt this way?

      Were things different at one time? If so, how?

      Lord,
      I lift up Christina and her husband to You. Help her to discover the fears and the things she is telling herself that are contrary to the truth of Your Word. Bring them all out in Your blazing light of truth. Help her to let go of her fears and be made perfect in Your love. Let her find her contentment in You alone. Let her be a blessing to her husband. Help her to release her anxiety and fear and learn to trust You completely and live in Your glorious peace and joy.

      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

    2. Christina,
      You are probably correct about your hubby playing computer games because you are nagging etc I too never ever realized how much I really nagged… not intentionally mind you, just little things like “did you take your medicine? ” Did you remember to call this person or that person” then if he said no I would raise my eyebrows and look at him like a disapproving mommy. Oh my…how blinders have been removed from my eyes! When my wonderful husband looked me in the eyes and said “I just don’t know why but i don’t have the feelings I used to have when I touch you. He probably really doesn’t know. .but I do now! He has even said he feels unworthy to pray. Oh did I mention I have been his spiritual advisor as well as mom, doctor and nagger 🙁 Oh the tangled web we weave when we are control freaks and worry warts. You are not alone…I’m right there with ya! But with knowledge of our wrong doing and a great big God who is willing and waiting to take over our role of controlling, we can over come this selfish battle and come out winners. How can God take care of things for us when we won’t let go of it? Hang in there sister!

      1. LearningToLean,

        I am a pharmacist – and I brought my “patient counseling mode” right home and told my husband what to eat and what medicine to take and that he needed to go to the doctor, etc…. 🙁 I thought I was being helpful. But like Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife” says “What is ‘helping’ to a wife is often ‘controlling’ to a husband.”

        Men are not attracted to an angry mommy. That is what I used to be! I thought I was totally justified because he wasn’t doing what I wanted him to do – and, after all, I knew best and I was always “right” in my mind. Yikes!

        Yes, it is really shocking when the “scales of disrespect” fall from our eyes as Emerson Eggerichs describes in “Love and Respect.” Suddenly, our entire paradigm shifts and we realize that our men are sometimes acting unloving in response to their feeling so disrespected.

        There are two post by my friend, Kayla, that you might really enjoy if you have time. VERY EYE OPENING:

        My Demon

        “He Said He Missed Me.”

        My husband wrote a post after Kayla’s post, My Demon, called “The Voice in His Head” that is super insightful, too!

  3. So needed to read this. I have been in the process of trying to organize our finances the last two years and get us debt free and I’ve come a long way. He hasn’t wanted to be involved and will glance at it all but that’s it and says he trusts me. But when I get help from a financial friend (a girl friend of mine) he gets upset and doesn’t want our information shared. So back on my own again. Reading and listening to podcasts. We had been without car payments the last two years and its been great. Our van was getting to the point of needed new tires and a bit of maintenance. He has been showing interest in getting a new van so we can have at least one dependable car. This was shaking up my world because a car payment was going to throw me all off and mess up all I’ve been doing. Well yesterday we ended up getting a new van and I was a mess (on the inside. Didn’t show it much on the outside). I could see his concern for wanting to keep us safe and protected and saw his heart in it but he didn’t see my financial goals I had in my head and learning of where I wanted to go. This helps me reading I need to submit to him and let him lead even if I have to adjust our budget to accommodate. Can you help me in this? Any thoughts for me? I am having quiet time now as journaling about it and praying I took the right steps.

    Also I started working outside the house last year and I had wanted to come back home and not have to work full time with having three kids at home (though he works nights and cares for them during the day just fine). So having a new payment made me feel more tied down to having to work.

    Help this crying out to God for clear answers here! <3 thank you!

    1. Kimberli,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      I am REALLY impressed that you were able to see your husband’s heart to keep the family safe and provide decent transportation. And yes, I agree that you may need to make adjustments to accommodate some of his decisions. Allowing him to lead is a blessing and takes a lot of weight off of you.

      I have several posts about finances that may give you some ideas to pray about.

      If it were up to me, I wouldn’t work at all outside the home either. But I trust God to lead me through my husband even about that. I totally hear you about feeling more tied to having to work if you have a new car payment. The awesome thing is, you can pray for God to give your husband His wisdom to lead the family about all of these things – you can express your desires respectfully – and you can trust God to work for your ultimate good, your family’s ultimate good and His greatest glory – even if things aren’t the way you want them. As you die to self and seek only God’s will – it becomes easier to accept the things that seem like bumps in the road and to anticipate how God will work that out.

      Giving Your Husband the Finances May Bring Back the Romance (peacefulwife)

      If Your Husband Insists on You Handling the Finances – Honoring His Leadership (one wife’s take on this – LOVE her godly approach!)

      Money and the Ugly Truth – by Kayla (I WISH I had thought of this approach a few years ago when I gave my husband our finances – very good approach)

      I Handed over the Finances – Update – by Kayla

      1. THANK YOU!!!! I can’t say that enough. As soon as I read it it was an answered prayer…I read all of your links and I cannot believe the obsession and control I have had over our finances, and they still were not all in order. I had a false sense of control I suppose. He has always told me take the money and he trusts me, but I see how this was holding him back in so many ways to lead our family. Please pray he will continue to be willing, as Sunday I handed it all to him all organized or showed it all to him in a calendar/binder that I had written everything out in and told him I knew he would do great and I know that he will. And he will look at it much more simply than me, who over-analyzes so much! Can’t wait to continue taking steps of obedience and that I will know which steps to take.

        I do trust God to lead me even in working and He has led me through my hubbs to work outside the home right now, but whenever he says the word I will be home. This above may be one big step towards that, God knows and I will trust.

        Look forward to sticking around and learning from you to be the wife and mom and follower of Jesus that I can be <3

        Thank you again! Kim

        1. Kim,
          I am so glad that God is working so powerfully in your heart! This is AMAZING!
          Thank you for sharing. I pray that you will totally surrender yourself to Christ – and I can’t wait to see all that He has in store! It has to be all about Him. 🙂

  4. My husband yesterday took the kids with him to shop for school clothes for our daughter. I have a home daycare so I had to stay home. We had already gone to the store all together & got most of the items we were looking for so really he was just getting a few extra items.

    When he told he would take them, my first feeling was “Oh no, I don’t want him to be picking out the school clothes!” It was all the typical thoughts of “What if he goes to the ‘full price’ area? What if the clothes he picks are ugly!? Oh I wish I could go!”

    But I think the Spirit gave me a heart check right away. I realized that my husband doesn’t need me to hold his hand & teach him how to shop. How rediculous! I really just wanted to control the situation. I’m thankful I smiled & let them go. It was another small opportunity to show my husband I trusted him. And when they came back, he had 4 tops & a pair of jeans, all cute & great price! I can be a trusting wife, a respectful wife, a peaceful wife. 🙂

    1. Sarah,

      What a great story of being able to not listen to those old controlling/disrespectful thoughts and step out in faith to trust your husband in an area where you may not have before. Sounds like he did a fantastic job!

      I’m so proud of you and so thankful for what God is doing in your heart. 🙂

      I know your husband will cherish your trust and respect more than you will ever know!

      THANK YOU for sharing! This is beautiful. 🙂

  5. I felt like my husband wasn’t planning for our financial future: more money in savings when he was between jobs and I was still in charge of the finances. WHen he started working again and took over the finances, we had no savings for months, and we are tying to move next year. I looked at our spending report and completely freaked out. I woke him up panicked… he did not appreciate that. He then explained to me, although upsetly, that the big purchases we had made to drain our savings were all necessary. I as right, I was being completely irrational. I’m getting better with this though because I tell myself that even the worst case scenario is okay: even if we end up not being able to move because of his decision (even though we’ve lived in a studio for two years) we will be fine. I also have extreme anxiety about time: I can’t stand lateness: my husband does not care. He will not be rushed, and if I express anxiety over time (ultimately trying to rush him) it makes him want to move slower. My husband is often late to work, which I would die over. I have decided to seek long-term counseling about this, with a therapist and the Most High.

    1. Patrice,

      I am glad you shared your story! 🙂

      I am really proud of you for listening to your husband and understanding him and trusting that things would be ok even if you couldn’t move. That was awesome! God is sovereign even over these kinds of details – and He is able to lead us through our husbands and even use their mistakes for our ultimate good and His glory – which is very freeing!

      I definitely understand the late thing. I hate being late! My husband tends to run late. So we are often a bit late for church. I just try to be ready and have the children ready. If we are a bit late, I don’t freak out any more. The thing that helps me is to think about when I am standing before God in heaven after I die. It will not be a group grade. My husband will not be with me. It will just be me.

      Then I have to think – is being late a sin? Well – it is a bit irresponsible and inconsiderate possibly – but is it a sin? That is probably pushing it to call it that. But what about my response when we are late? If I am yelling, fuming, full of bitterness, pride (I’m right and he’s wrong), self-righteousness, unforgiveness and resentment – are those things sin in God’s eyes? GULP.

      That is what helps me calm down about this stuff.

      My husband takes our children to school in the mornings. He tends to leave at the last possible minute. I don’t try to rescue him. I don’t question him about what time he got the kids to school. And I believe that our son was tardy only one day last year – and that was because they got stopped by a train for 5 minutes. So – is it that big of a deal? Nope.

      I have learned that I am responsible and accountable to God for ME. My husband is accountable and responsible to God for himself. And he is accountable and responsible to his boss – I am not. I am responsible to my boss. So I let my husband handle the things he is responsible for and I trust that he is a grown adult who is capable of deciding things on his own. And I also trust that God is able to speak to my husband if there is something that is an important issue.

      If my husband is actually sinning or asking me to sin – then I may need to respectfully confront him – only after I have carefully examined and repented of every single sin in my own life – and only if I can be humble and edifying and seeking his welfare.

      I hope that might be helpful!

      I am not sure that a therapist is necessary. I am glad to talk with you more about this if you would like.

      For me – sometimes I had to realize that I was putting some things above Jesus in my heart and above my husband and my marriage. It is possible to make “punctuality” an idol. If you HAVE to have that thing to be content – and you are willing to sin in order to have that thing – it is important to check your true motives.

      Much love to you!

  6. This is wonderful that some many woman are out their that have experience these issue and god was able to change them for the better you lady’s are my inspiration and herio. This topic is helpful for woman like us that are struggling with this issues in our relationship with help of The Lord and my sister April I’m getting their slowly but show. I need all the inspirations out their I can get to bring peace,love in mylife and our home with my man.. I’ve been disrespectful and these gat to stop because I want to make god happy by me doing the ungodly things by this list he’s not happy,.

  7. My husband and I work at the same place. This means we ride to work together, ride home together, and eat lunch together. Our desks are in different areas, so we don’t usually see each other much the rest of the time. But we do talk on the phone often throughout the day. It feels like we are together 24/7.

    This could mean that if I really, really focused, I could excel at this stuff, because I constantly have opportunities to show trust and respect.

    Thank you so much for yesterday and today’s posts. I will be bookmarking both and re-reading them often. And I really appreciated how you explained your situation with the pharmacy in the comments of yesterday’s posts. That was really helpful!

    1. Bridget,

      I LOVE the way you phrased that. You DO have many opportunities to show trust and respect. 🙂

      This is such a huge issue for almost every woman I know. It sure was for me!

      I LOVE living in God’s peace. I am still so amazed that I get to do that now. If you knew me before – “peaceful” did NOT describe me at all.

      This makes me teary eyed – I was so anxious, worried, lonely in my marriage, trying to be in control to make things turn out “right.” I constantly had things on my mind trying to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to handle all the possible situations.

      I just can’t tell you how awesome it is to just rest in God’s love and lay the weight on His capable shoulders – and to rest in my husband’s love and lay the weight on his capable shoulders.

      I still remember the shock when I realized that I was experiencing God’s peace for the first time. It was WEIRD! I didn’t know what was happening. All this empty space in my head – no “worry tape” running incessantly.

      It blows my mind that God was able to transform ME into a woman with a gentle and peaceful spirit who does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear. ME!?!??!?!?

      My twin sister said, “I can see the difference on your face. Even in pictures.” Other people saw the changes God made in me. It was that obvious.

      How amazing that God can take a worried, fearful, stressed out wife and mom who feels like the weight of the world and the family is entirely on her shoulders and help her set down the weight and give her a new heart and mind and fill her with His supernatural peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. These are TRUE treasures! Now I know that as long as I have Him – I am going to be ok. I will be content. But if I had everything else in the world, and didn’t have God – I would be wretched, miserable, poor and blind.

      He has truly forgiven me of MUCH! PRIDE, idolatry of self and being in control, unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, gossip, hatred, self-righteousness, disrespect, control, disobedience to His Word. I have been forgiven of MUCH. And now I am free to love Him MUCH!

      Our God is ABLE!

      Much love to you!

  8. Peaceful wife.. what do you do with the fighters that come to your blogs. The ones who are bitter and paining. Do you get people trying to argue with you or put you down because of mistakes they think you made or things they think your ignorant about. because according to what a person knows its fact…until they learn more. then that becomes fact…etc. So, what do you do with the people who are impatient with your process of learning. do you ignore them, do you try to fix anything? does it depend?

    1. Mrsdarlings,

      Well… it depends!

      I usually seek to reach out in love, understanding, respect and kindness to those who are bitter and in pain.

      If someone is abusive towards me – my husband now prefers me to not respond and not post their comment. I used to try to post all the comments and respond to all of them. But my husband said he felt I should focus my energy mostly on the women who want to learn and are open to God’s Word.

      Many women tell me, “I love you and I hate you!” I realize that sharing God’s Word and not compromising His message is offensive at times to women in our culture. Many women tend to respond with anger to the idea of respecting our husbands. I actually didn’t. I was so relieved to find out that there was something I could do to meet my husband’s masculine needs – because I had been begging him for years to tell me what he needed from me, but he couldn’t verbalize it. So to me, I was 100% on board and decided I was going to learn this respect stuff and I told my husband, “You are going to feel like the most respected husband on the planet once I figure all of this out!” Then a year and a half ago, he started his blog, http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. It makes me cry every time I think about that. My husband – who was so unplugged and passive – who barely spoke to me, barely touched me, barely looked at me for so long – has now asked me to teach other wives what God taught me and he himself is writing a marriage blog for men!?!??!?! And he calls himself the Respected Husband because of what I said that December of 2008.

      I remember the pain and loneliness very vividly. So, I try to relate to women who are upset – because I have 14+ years of experience of being controlling and disrespectful myself – and all of the painful consequences that come along with that.

      The hardest thing for a lot of women is that this is a LONG, LONG process. It is actually sanctification. It is hard to stick with it sometimes when it’s not all fixed in 2 days. This usually takes years. There are a lot of difficult places along the way.

      What I try to do is offer to walk beside women and help them open the prison door and walk together out of the prison of whatever sin has her bound – and walk with her into God’s glorious freedom, light, joy and peace.

      Usually, if I listen, sympathize, share my story, pray with the woman and continue to be available to her – realizing that only God can open her eyes – I get to see God work.

      I can’t open people’s eyes. That is for sure!

      There have been a few women who have been SO hateful and abusive – that my husband refuses to allow me to respond. So I honor his request and don’t reply when he doesn’t want me to. One had me in tears a few months ago. She says she is a believer. Her attacks were extremely personal and hurtful. I cried for a bit. Then I thanked God for the persecution and prayed for her. She must be living in a great deal of pain to have all of that anger to spew at me. I pray for her often, and for some of the others there have been.

      I get a lot more hateful comments on my Youtube channel than I do on my blog. When they are spewing obscenities and things, I delete them.

      If they seem to genuinely have real questions, then I try to address them.

      I hope that answers your question!

  9. Not sure this discussion needs a guy’s perspective all that much — all of you are picking up on how damaging a wife’s lack of trust is, in any area. One thought occurs to me: how much of what “causes” you to distrust your husband now was there to see before you were married, when you were dating? Supposedly, one of the things that attracted my ex-wife to me when we were dating was my calmness. Even while dating, I was frequently encouraging her not to worry about this or that, trying to teach her not to “borrow trouble,” etc. At the time, she expressed appreciation for the fact that I didn’t get as worked up as she did or as often as she did. About 12-13 years into the marriage, though, about the time our special needs daughter was diagnosed with her disorder, my calmness became “you don’t care enough.” And it just got worse and worse from there — diminished trust in parenting, finances, and other important choices. I’m pretty sure I hadn’t changed fundamentally, but her level of trust certainly did. Does that sound familiar to any of you?

    1. David, your situation sounds very familiar. My husband is the same. Very calm and doesn’t get worked up about things nearly as often as I do. When we were dating and early in our first marriage (we divorced and remarried each other 10 years later) I appreciated him keeping me from blowing a gasket, but after awhile I, like your wife, thought he was just not caring enough. I think what happened is the emotional disconnect that was likely caused by my disrespect and his passivity colored my perception about his reaction. I assumed the worst of him, instead of the best. I thought he was doing the same with me because he talked as though he assumed the worst until I could convince him otherwise. It was a terribly messed up situation. We were both spiritually immature, but admittedly, I was much worse. I can now appreciate his level head and his ability to help me not spin completely out of control. We both did a lot of growing spiritually while we were apart and he’s now a safe haven for me. I treasure him!

      1. Trixie,

        This is very helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your story! I did plenty of assuming the worst about my husband, too.

        Part of why I was so sure my husband didn’t care was that I felt he was purposely ignoring me when I was worked up about something. Now I know – he was… but not because he didn’t care. He was shutting me out because of my disrespect. But I didn’t see my disrespect – I only saw that he was ignoring me. And that was unloving of him. It was as if I couldn’t see my sin at all, but only his response. Then I was upset with him for being unloving.

        I am so glad that you are able to appreciate your husband’s strengths again, Trixie! What God is doing in you is so beautiful!

    2. David,

      I think a guy’s perspective is particularly valuable. I think the concept that a wife’s worry could make a husband feel she doesn’t trust him is a pretty new concept to many women.

      I, too, admired my husband’s “calm” personality and how he didn’t get worked up about things like I did when we were dating. But when we were married, and he didn’t have the same priorities I did. I couldn’t see it as he was different – the only way I could see things was that he was “wrong” because he didn’t respond like I did. 🙁 It is easy for a wife to assume that her way is the only way to think or the only “right” way to think. And if she was acting the way her husband was acting – it would mean she didn’t care. So if it would mean that she didn’t care if she acted that way, it must mean he doesn’t care. It is easy for us as wives to assign evil motives to our husbands when they are not exactly like us.

      That is why it is SO IMPORTANT for women to learn about how different men are from women and that it is a GOOD thing we are not alike.

      I also believe it is so important for us to examine our motives when we are full of worry – because we may feel like we can’t keep ourselves from worry – but there are DEEP roots here. If the roots are not addressed – the lack of trust in God, the lack of understanding of His sovereignty, the pride, etc… it is impossible for a woman to stop the worry.

      I can remember my husband telling me so many times just to stop worrying. But I didn’t know how to do that. I WANTED to stop worrying. I couldn’t stop.

      As we have children – we feel extremely responsible for them. And it becomes more difficult to trust other people when we think we know best, especially. Now, I know my husband hadn’t changed. I also know I was extremely sleep deprived and hormonal for a long time – that didn’t help. I don’t know if a wife changes, as much as the increasingly difficult and stressful circumstances bring out her issues and draw them to the surface more. The trials reveal the depth of our lack of trust in God and our husbands. It could be an opportunity to see the gaping holes in our faith and repent – or we could continue on in spiritual blindness. Only God can open our eyes.

      I hope some other women might share their stories with you, as well.

      1. There were at least two things going on in my head (on top of the pain from the lack of trust). One was surprise that the issue of worry was still there as strongly as it was. I (naively) assumed that 15 or so years of exposure to me had helped her to worry less, but I think you’re right that instead the pressures had been building and eventually were drawn to the surface again. The other reaction I had was genuine mystification, even betrayal. Essentially, “I’m the same guy I was when you used to express appreciation for my stability, optimism, and confidence in God, and now you’re saying that’s not why I’m calm and instead that it’s because I don’t care? That’s not fair!”

        Some of your words — about how you used to be and how wives are when they don’t realize that their husbands are simply different — are almost verbatim what my attorney told me more than once during the divorce: “David, with her, it’s like if you don’t think it’s as urgent as she does, then you don’t care at all, and you can’t persuade her otherwise!”

  10. I understand your point and agree to an extent, but wives are still people and we are allowed to feel fear and worry. They can be genuine indicators of some danger in our life. Your article on worry insulting God i agree with, because god does not need to earn our trust, he is infallible. Our husbands are not, and they must earn and keep our trust.

    I get were you are going, but to see an article “our worry insults God” and then an article “our worry insults our husband”…. Well in the case of god, we can always trust him, but this is not true of our husbands. We should give them the benefit of the doubt if they have not broken our trust, or their actions are not putting us in danger.

    1. Emily,

      Husbands are definitely not deity – and they sin and make mistakes. I do not at all intend to imply that the reason we don’t need to worry is because we can always trust our husbands. There are times we cannot trust our husbands. There are times that trust must be rebuilt – and that can take a long time. There are times when trust cannot be rebuilt. As I mentioned towards the beginning of the post.

      Thankfully, our ability to live free from worry does not depend on our husbands – it depends on our understanding of God’s sovereignty and our faith in God to even use awful situations and our husband’s mistakes and even sins ultimately for His glory and our good in the eternal scheme of things.

      We can always trust God – absolutely. And because of that – we are able to obey His command not to worry, and to cast all of our cares on Him because He cares for us. Phil. 4:4-8 is a great way to focus on giving up worry and fear.

      We are human, yes, and we will have to hash through feelings. When the fear enters our mind – we take it captive for Christ and shine the light of God’s Word on it. We lay the burden at His feet. We seek to obey Him and please Him in everything. Thankfully, when we are living in the power of GOd’s Spirit and abiding in Him – we do not have to be held captive to fear and worry anymore. I lived in that place for most of my first 36 years of life. I don’t worry anymore. God has changed my heart. It is AWESOME to live in His peace every day. This is not about what my husband does or does not do. I am free to share my concerns with my husband. I may have to respectfully confront his sin in some situations. I may disagree with him. But if he is not asking me to sin, and I share my perspective respectfully – submission to Christ and to my husband mean that then I trust his decision and trust that God is able to lead me through my imperfect man. This is the greatest test of a believing woman’s faith in Christ, in my view. Then I watch God in His sovereignty work things out for His ultimate glory and my ultimate good. Worry and fear no longer have to be in the picture.

      If we are living in a constant lifestyle of obsessive worry – that is primarily a lack of trust in God, a lack of understanding of His sovereignty and my not being sovereign. Learning more about GOd’s character and about His sovereignty helped me a lot! That was the big key I was missing.

      Even though my worry was actually much more to do with me and my understanding of God and myself than it was about my husband, it is demoralizing for a husband to live with a woman who is often anxious, worried and afraid. God is the answer to that, not the husband. But our husbands benefit and are blessed when we are able to lay down our fears and worries and trust God. Then we can have that valuable gentle and peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear which God cherishes so much as the ultimate in feminine beauty.

      Thank you very much for the great comment! 🙂 I am excited about what God is doing in your life.

      1. Emily,
        Oops! Meant to finish one more thought…

        When our husbands witness our peace and joy in Christ – it is a powerful motivation to them to become more godly men. Our motive must simply be to please Jesus and obey and trust Him. But He can use our obedience to spur our husbands towards godliness as He becomes our partner to work in our marriage and families and in our husbands’ lives by His power.

        Watching the way God changed my husband as God changed me was the most amazing experience of my life. As I laid down my fear, my worry, my burdens, my feeling I had to make everything work out myself, my lack of faith in God, my disrespect, my control, my unforgiveness, my bitterness, my critical spirit, my negativity… my husband began to stand taller and began to really seek to be a more godly man and a godly leader. When he felt the weight of my trust (which was primarily in God, but secondarily in him), it made him want to make me proud of him. He wanted to become more and more selfless and Christlike in ways he never had before.

        If you get a chance, you may be interested to read a post my husband wrote at the top of my home page, “When She Surrendered.”

        A Spirit-filled, godly wife, full of faith, trust, hope, peace and joy is the most incredibly powerful inspiration to a husband he could ever experience. I cannot change him. But God can work in his heart. And God can use me to influence him to draw near to Jesus and to myself when I am living 100% submitted to Jesus.

        Much love!

  11. Emily, Women too often use their feelings as bellweathers for the family. But we do not consider that those feelings can become tools against us unless if we are completely submitted to the Lord. Listen carefully to April’s word choice: she shares her concerns with her husband. Concerns are a valuable communication, worry is a sin. We have become so used to certain sins that they feel reasonable and even virtuous. Even if you are going through suffering because your husband made a poor choice that you foresaw and raised a concern about, worry during the trial would still be a sin. And it is a sin that has the ability to tempt your husband into similar faithless thoughts or other sins, like self-righteous defensiveness.

    One of the first hurdles for me to being able to accept submission first to God and then to my husband is this concept: I will not focus on the sins of my husband, I will give no excuses for my own sins, I will focus completely, before God, on my own unrighteous, unregenerate heart. My husband’s sins are his own issue, and I cannot be “caused” to sin because of his sin. I can only be greatly tempted. In your example, a husband who has broken trust or is being more risky than you are comfortable with is still not justification for sin- worry.

  12. Great thoughts! Thanks for sharing. I’m a brand-newlywed and have enjoyed soaking in every bit of knowledge. Worry versus faith- and providing our men with confidence – is huge. It’s amazing what our words can do!
    I started a blog dedicated to newlyweds and Christian wives, if you’re interested: http://anewlywed.wordpress.com/ God bless!

    ~sister in Christ

  13. I have prom coming up. As any girl would be I was very excited. However because I am going on vacation during the week of my prom my boyfriend and I were planning on going to the prom at his school which is on a different date than mine. However, over the course of our relationship he was talking to some other girl for months and then I found out when he told me that “she was flirting with him”. (I’m like girls just don’t continue on like that unless they are being encouraged by the boy.)

    Anyway this girl is planning on going to the same prom we are going to. Since I just moved to this town I do not know that many people especially not at his school. However, that girl goes to that school and knows people there. My boyfriend has done stuff like call other girls cute and practically throw himself at other girls who give him the time of day even with me there. There have been times where he has tired to give gifts to my sister who is only a year younger than us. He called her attractive. I have 4 siblings but he has only given stuff to her.

    I just do not want to spend 500 dollars on dress for prom to have a miserable night and have people make fun of me because they know that girl and are loyal to her. I would expect my boyfriend to protect me but he said if he has to go get punch or something he has some guy friend who can be my body guard! Like when a girl thinks about prom I really don’t think she wants to walk into hell I think I would like to go to prom not hell. I know my boyfriend and I are far from a marriage age. I just do not know what to do I am worried about having to show up and worry whether or not my boyfriend is comparing me to that other girl and whether or not she is prettier than me. I told him how uncomfortable this makes me but he told not to worry it would be fun.

    I want to be a godly woman. I just have no idea what to do I almost want to be like EITHER WE ARE GOING TO A DIFFERENT PROM OR I AM NOT COMING AT ALL I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS DRAMA. (I feel like this sounds too fearful and controlling but that is what I feel) I want to trust God but this whole situation sounds miserable. She is skinny, I am not as skinny, she has long hair, he likes long hair and I am still trying to grow mine out. I know I am not supposed to compare. I feel like this boy is leading me into the fire and I am like God where are you? I cannot handle this on my own. any godly advice on this I would appreciate

    1. Ann,

      I’m so glad you reached out for godly counsel. That is wise!

      How is your relationship with Christ going?

      Where do you look to find your security, worth, value, and contentment?

      What are your expectations in your relationship with your boyfriend? What is his character like? What is your character like?

      And, before you think about going to the prom at all with this boy – I wonder if it might be wise to just think about the relationship in general? What do you admire about him? What is his relationship with Christ? Is the way he treats other girls and flirts with them a deal breaker for you, or are you being really sensitive and he is just being friendly with other girls but is truly trustworthy? (I don’t know the answer to these questions, these are things to prayerfully consider.) It is possible that a change in your attitude is all that is needed for there to be no drama, or is there a really significant issue going on with him that needs to be addressed in general – regardless of the prom?

      Are you willing to not compare yourself to other girls and to focus on being beautiful in God’s sight? Are you familiar with the things God says are beautiful in a godly woman?

      Here are a few posts that may be helpful:

      What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman?

      Godly Femininity – Part 1
      Godly Femininity – Part 2

      You are also invited to look at my site for single women (you are welcome on both sites, of course) http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.com and search:

      – ready to be a godly wife (I know you aren’t ready for that yet, but it is a great guideline about how to act as a godly woman before marriage in a relationship)
      – red flags, red flags part 2

      Much love to you!

  14. Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I need to let go of past hurts…we have been married 15 months. This is my first marriage and his third. His past crept into our new marriage and I was very hurt by some of woman that he kept in contact with. My trust was violated and I handled it wrong by verbal abuse. He was not receptive to “that woman” he did not know and I became more distant and untrusting as time went on. Now, he won’t take me places where his old friends gather and his new job meets for drinks. I am in a bad spot. I am not the same woman he knew…I travel during the week for my job and I am lonely. Please pray for us…I think we both miss the people we both fell in love with, Amen

    1. Elizabeth Smith Evans,

      If you are interested, I would love to talk with you about things you can do on your end to breathe healing and life into the marriage and how you can find God’s spiritual healing in Christ for yourself even in this painful time of trial.

      Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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