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Attracting Your Husband

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Creating attraction in your husband towards you is actually fairly simple once you learn to understand godly masculinity, how men think, how God designed men, godly femininity, how women think and how God designed women.  See… EASY as pie!  🙂

You cannot force your man to be attracted to you.  You can be a godly woman, full of joy and peace and God’s Spirit.  THAT is attractive to men.  Then we will trust God with the results. 🙂

What I am about to list is not a bunch of rules – but rather – it comes from understanding more about God and His design for men and women and marriage and from living in His power.  It is impossible to be a godly wife without His Spirit empowering us!

(If there are SERIOUS problems of abuse, drug/alcohol addiction, infidelity, etc… in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced help ASAP!)

  • Understand that his core masculine emotional need as a man is RESPECT – not love.  He does need love – especially, friendly, affectionate love – but if he feels disrespected, he will not “feel loved.”
  • Appreciate that men can and do feel physical attraction based on looks – but the attraction that will keep your man with you is the beauty of your feminine, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear.
  • Dress femininely and modestly in public.
  • Do not be modest in private with your husband.  Allow him the chance to admire and enjoy you visually if he would like to.
  • Be genuinely forgiving – full of the grace and mercy of God.
  • Use that beautiful smile and dazzling eyes of yours to make your man feel welcome around you.
  • If he asks you to do something, make it a priority on your to do list
  • Let him know that you are proud of the man that he is.
  • Be a SAFE place for him to share his heart.  DO NOT share with other people the precious pieces of his heart that he shares with you in confidence.
  • Realize that you are in a particularly powerful position as a godly wife to give respect to your husband that can meet his deepest masculine needs.  When a man detects the faith, trust, admiration and respect of his wife – something inside of him comes to life.  He feels more masculine, more powerful (in a good way), more capable, stronger, better able to face the world, ready to conquer dragons.  God is able to use your feminine admiration, respect, encouragement, praise for what is good in him and adoration to help a man soar to greater heights than he ever could before.
  • Study to understand and quickly recognize what disrespect looks like to men in general and to your husband, in particular – and avoid those behaviors and attitudes like the plague!  Especially avoid criticizing, lecturing, scolding, demanding, yelling, complaining, arguing and negativity.  This is actually part of the process of sanctification and becoming more like Christ.
  • Be a PLEASURE to be around.  Be full of the joy of Christ and God’s Spirit.  Have your heart completely set on Him and the things of heaven!
  • Seek Christ and His kingdom first! Watch your motives.  Ask God to help you check your motives often!
  • Do not make your husband into an idol that comes before your devotion to Christ.  That is a recipe for a disaster!
  • Study to understand what respect looks like to men in general, and then to your husband, in particular.
  • Study to understand what godly femininity is all about.  Be willing to trash any worldly wisdom you have absorbed and build on the word of God and Christ alone.
  • Study to understand how to honor God-given authority in your life – whether it is a teacher, a boss, a police officer, a pastor, a Bible teacher, or your husband.
  • Commit yourself to submit your life totally to Christ.  Study about biblical submission  – where it starts – and what it means in a marriage relationship.  Be prepared to be a cheerful follower.
  • Learn to share your heart, your feelings, your desires and your perspective in a non-threatening, respectful, pleasant, calm, BRIEF way.  Be willing to cooperate with God-given authority over you respectfully – even when you disagree unless that authority is asking you to sin or condone sin.  Trust that God, in His great sovereignty, will lead you and speak to you through that God-given authority so that your best interests and God’s greatest glory will be the end result.  This is how you can have peace even when you don’t agree with an authority.  You trust God to use that decision to take you to the place He wants you to go.
  • Embrace humility.   Consider that your husband has great wisdom to offer – particularly if he belongs to Christ, but God can and will use him to lead you many times even if he is not a believer.  Please cooperate with his God-given leadership unless he asks you to sin or condone sin.
  • Seek to build up your man with life-giving, edifying words of sincere praise, admiration, encouragement and respect.
  • Listen to his advice carefully and prayerfully.
  • Speak highly about him in front of him and to others when he is not there.
  • Be willing to do things with him that interest him, even if it doesn’t really interest you.  Realize that men bond in “shoulder-to-shoulder” activity that often does NOT include a lot of talking.  Be willing to sit in the woods with him while he hunts quietly for a few hours.  Be willing to sit in the garage beside him quietly while he works on his car – smile at him whenever he looks your way.  This is bonding for guys!
  • Flirt with him! (If he likes that, of course)
  • Show that you respect and treasure your femininity and your body and that you take good care of yourself in a healthy way.   Put in some effort into staying in shape (ie: 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week is a healthy amount), eat well, treat your body with respect, get your sleep, wear a bit of makeup (however your husband likes it).  Don’t go overboard into obsession with your appearance or make thinness or beauty into an idol.  Make sure that Christ is your focus – and be a good steward of your body -which is His temple.  
  • Affirm him.  Thank him for his leadership and wisdom.
  • Don’t push, rush, prod, pressure or try to control him.  Let him make his own decisions.
  • Laugh at his jokes and enjoy his sense of humor.
  • LISTEN to him.  Take his thoughts, ideas, emotions, stories and all that he shares with you seriously – appreciate the gift that he is.
  • HAVE FUN with him!
  • Wear things he loves to see you in sometimes.
  • Doll yourself up when you can and wear your hair the way he likes it when you can as a special gift to him.
  • Don’t zoom ahead in your mind.  Stay in today.  Enjoy the moment.  Savor the gift of his presence and the time you share with him without worrying about the future.  Let God lead you in His plan.  He is already in the future.  He knows His best for you.  Rest in His sovereignty and just relax and enjoy the gift of time with this man when you are able to be with him.
  • Catch his eye and then hold his gaze for a second then look down and smile to yourself.
  • Ask him about what God is teaching him and what he is learning in God’s Word – if he is a strong believer.
  • If he is far from God right now, be silent about spiritual things, church, God, the Bible – and live out I Peter 3:1-6 in the power of God’s Spirit.  
  • Be INTERESTED in what he has to say.  Pay rapt attention.  Make lots of eye contact.  Smile a lot.  Be enthusiastic about hearing his thoughts.
  • have a grateful, joyful heart.
  • Avoid complaining and arguing.
  • be cooperative
  • be open to your  husband spiritually, emotionally, mentally and sexually.
  • Support his dreams
  • support his career
  • pray for him humbly as a teammate who has his back
  • believe in him

 

You can’t force attraction or control your husband’s attraction to you.  You can influence it.   You can be the godly woman Jesus desires you to be.  Our greatest goal is to be attractive to Christ and to please Him!

RELATED POSTS:

Respect and Sexual Attraction

Keeping the Marriage Bed Pure

Handling Our Husband’s Visual Temptations

45 thoughts on “Attracting Your Husband

    1. Jay Dee,

      I do! But I took it down from my husband’s site and from the site I have for single women, because some of the men felt it was too long and too detailed. But if you are interested, I can put it here for you. 🙂

        1. Ok, Ryan.

          I have had about 4 men tell me that it is way too long and too humanly impossible.

          But you know – it’s a funny thing. Many of the things on the list for women are just as humanly impossible.

          It truly takes God’s Spirit to empower us to do these things – whether we are men or women.

          🙂

  1. What would you suggest I do when I am in a courting relationship with my husband to be? Our relationship is fairly new and we are friends and are starting the courting process? Please help April as I want to start out on a good note. Thanks

    1. Kim,

      What a perfect time to build a strong foundation on Christ and His Word! Check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission.

      You can also scroll through my blog timeline at the top and search through the archives by title. Or you can search specific topics on my home page. There are MANY posts here that I believe will help you build your marriage and your faith in Christ on a firm and unshakable foundation. 🙂

      Congratulations on your courtship!

      I also have posts on http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com about not taking over the wedding planning yourself and about frugal weddings, and many posts about preparing for godly marriage. 🙂

  2. I’d add one more: Don’t make fun of him if he likes to sing sappy songs like Air Supply. Sometimes he just needs to be assured that he can “make make love out of nothing at all.” That’s the “power of love” after all!

  3. I really like this list and am going to post it on facebook.com/choosetotrust

    Two quick things:

    1. It should encourage a woman to know, especially given the standards the world peddles for attractiveness, that when you respect your man he loves the way YOU look. He finds YOU beautiful among women despite what culture tells you about your body image.

    2. I’m know from reading your site that this is implied, but it is worth stating often, the things on this list are not things you can force your self to do long term, like a check list of behavior, this type of respect and devotion comes forth as a fruit of an identity rooted in Christ.

    Blessings!

    1. Theperkster,

      I love #1! Thanks for sharing that!!!!! I hope you might let me add that to the post, maybe even quote you on my FB page?

      Yes- this is not a list of rules. This is godly character, formed by God’s Spirit working in and through us – it is not possible to do and be all these things in our own power!

      Thanks so much!

  4. What a tremendous post today! I listened to a sermon the other day were the pastor used the word alien wife. My wife told me the other day she would have never married me if I wouldn’t have moved for her. That is not how I remember it. Every posting you put out, I’m saying to myself why doesn’t my wife do this. The verses you kindly gave me help. Your advice is really enlighting.

    1. Hopeful Husband,

      Please remember, I didn’t do this stuff for the first 14.5 years of my marriage, and it took me years to learn this even once I realized I needed to learn it.

      If a woman is not Spirit-filled, and is still controlled by her sinful nature – she is not capable of acting in most of these ways.

      I pray that God might open your wife’s eyes. And I pray that He might heal your soul and give you the wisdom and love to lead, protect, serve, honor and humbly love your wife. God’s love flowing through you can greatly bless your wife and draw her to Christ!

  5. This is all good stuff, but when your husband struggles with his attraction toward you versus attraction toward other men – these things just seem so much harder to apply. Granted I am on a journey where God has me walking through a looking glass examing myself and where I am as a Godly wife and the things I need to work on (respect, feminisim, etc…) but the wounds are still very deep. The things you say I want to do but they won’t make much of a difference for him because of where his heart and mind are at (and yes I am convicted that its about my response/attitude toward him regardless of his toward me but still….)

    1. Donna,

      You are saying your husband is attracted to men?

      We as wives are responsible for our behavior, attitudes, sin and obedience to God.

      We cannot fix or change people. It is possible to be Spirit-filled and obey God perfectly and live, respect and submit to your husband perfectly and your husband leave you.

      You can influence him. You can’t control him.

      If a husband has serious sin issues, infidelity, uncontrolled mental issues – a wife can honor God and her husband- but he has free will and may choose sin and rebellion against God.

      Jesus is the perfect Husband. And look how His bride treated Him – we killed Him, we commit idolatry often, we don’t trust Him, we think we are wiser than He is.

      He doesn’t force us to love and honor Him. He allows us to come or rebel.
      Then we live with the consequences of our choices.

      If your husband is sexually involved with anyone else – you may need to separate and seek godly counsel.

      I pray for God to open your husband’s eyes and bring him to Himself. And I pray You will find shelter in God’s wings and grow closer to Him than ever. I pray that God might heal your marriage. But most of all I pray for God’s greatest glory!

  6. Dear Peacefulwife,

    Yes my husband is a believer. He isn’t actively involved with anyone, and thankfully never has been but satan takes a toll on his mind! We are in marriage counseling, and he has a new accountability partner who actually holds him accountable (texts and calls his EVERY day). My spiritual parents also know the journey we are on from my husbands mouth as he called them to apologize and his parents know too. We certainly are covered in prayer and that is such a blessing.

    I have come to a place in my own journey through all of this where God is teaching me that I need to put my time and attention not on fixing him, policing him, or controling him but on how I can be a Godly wife to him. I have been learning so much through this part of my journey of growth since I think February and the amazing thing is that I get to share these lessons with my husband. God has promised me that if I will trust Him with my husband, and work on myself then He will move in my husband! It doesn’t make some of the days easier though, but it does make it lighter to carry because God is ultimately the one carrying this now instead of me!

    Ive been able to blog my way through my story and journey through this and thats helped a lot too! read some of my posts if you get the chance to – it might enlighten you as to what I have been walking through 🙂

    Donna

    1. Donna,
      It sounds like you are both doing everything right to work on this! I pray God will draw you both closer to Him and heal your marriage!!

      Thank you for sharing your story!

      What God is doing in your heart is do beautiful!

  7. Great post !! My husband told me not long ago what attracts him to me. From day one he said its been my smile and my heart. As time went on and I learned biblical submission, he said that was very attractive. Me being home all the time with the kids and schooling them daily, and caring for the home, running errands, etc he says attracts him to me. He knows I’m putting God and him first by doing all these things. He’s never liked makeup. He likes natural beauty. My cheeks are naturally pinkish all the time, so dnt need to wear anything. The latest thing that has really attracted him, is me wearing skirts upon his request. I sure dug my heels in for longest time, but now that I’m a daily skirt wearer, he sure loves it. That in itself along with the other things shows him that I respect him. Respect is the biggest ( in my opinion) way to attract your husband. 🙂

  8. Searching for content for Men Appreciation Month and stumbled across this. I will be using this in my home Respect Dare study I will be doing in July AND on my site. Your wisdom is divine and refreshing!

    1. Jennifer,
      I love your idea!

      I have some posts in Feb of this year about how men process emotions that might be helpful. And a post “Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice.” You can search that title on my home page. I have a number of posts that might be helpful. I can send you more links later if you are interested!

  9. April I feel bad that you pulled the list for men, as I was one of the husbands that commented on it.I understood all that you have said here concerning it and agree. I simply wanted to express to those reading it, that they shouldn’t feel like failures if they’re not scoring a “yes” in every one of these points. Like I said, my wife scores me as “yes on a handful, but for the most part it’s usually only “better”, despite being married for 36 years.I think it’s wonderful to want to aspire to these things, as long as you realize that it’s only by God’s power that you can even come close. Wives should realize the same.As a husband I look at my wife’s attitude and desire more than how well she performs.I would not have had you pull it as it would have provided a context for husbands to come together in fellowship to improve THEIR devotion to Christ.

    1. Ted,

      Please don’t feel badly! There were some single men who read a modified version of the list on my site for single women who were totally overwhelmed as well. I don’t want to discourage men. The post is also too long for most men, I am sure.

      I am also mindful that I am not to have authority over men to teach them – with me being a woman – and it is possible that list may be crossing the line.

      Probably best for me to write to women!

      I appreciated your comment on the post and I do pray that any men who read the list might seek God’s wisdom and direction.

      It is only be God’s Spirit that a man can be a godly husband and that a woman can be a godly wife. That is for certain!

  10. i am so glad to have found this, for so long i have hurt and felt pain in my heart because all i have wanted was to have my husbands attention and affection, which he doesn’t express toward me much any more. for a while i prayed that God would change his heart and give him a new love for me, but now i understand that the problem might not be him, i think it’s me! i love my husband and all i want is to submit to him and and respect him, and i realize now that to do that, i must submit to Christ. I am a believer but lately i have been struggling to live for Christ the way he has called us to. i feel like im in a constant battle, and i’m being pulled away from Christ. idk, i think my 2nd problem is i focus on my body image too much, see, i have a really low self esteem and i’m overweight and i struggle to love myself this has been a burden for so long i’m emotional just talking about it. but anyway, i just want to be a peaceful, loving, God fearing wife! thank you

    1. Ashley,
      I think you are in the right place, my dear sister!!

      Please search my home page for:

      – insecurity
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – control
      – disrespect
      – respect
      – security
      – submission means we hold things of this world loosely
      – contentment

      Let me know what God speaks to your heart!

      Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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