Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them
Every man has his own list of what feels disrespectful and respectful to him. Some things are almost universally one way or the other to almost all men. Some things are particular to your husband. So – what matters most is what is respectful and disrespectful to YOUR man. That’s why it is important to ask him about his preferences and what bothers him and what speaks respect to him. When things are not tense – you could ask him about some of the things on this list and get his take on the different items. I wouldn’t ask him about all of them at once – but maybe ask about a few at a time every few days or so and REALLY pay attention to his answers. Maybe print this out and check the ones that bother him so that you don’t forget. You’ll need to custom-tailor your respect to your husband for best results!
Ladies – we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up. How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!
Here are some things that could feel disrespectful – these are men speaking for themselves
- asking him to do something, then doing it myself before he has a chance
- lack of attention/appreciation
- too much help
- criticism
- interruptions
- not really listening
- Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying, “What you did is wrong and it should be done like this! How can you not see that?”
- always putting herself first and having the family fit into her plans/schedule
- second guessing/lack of confidence
- being too busy to spend time with him – too into your tv show to listen to him
- complaining
- speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others
- scowling
- body language – arms crossed, a look of condemnation
- answering for him
- telling him what to do
- undermining his authority as a father – telling the children they don’t have to do what he asked them to do
- disagreeing with his parenting in front of the children
- insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you
- not accepting his answer – continuing to question him
- putting him down to other people
- Being irrationally afraid, as if I can’t protect her from a spider in the next room. A lion? I understand, but I have a gun for that
- Being critical of my driving (actual safe driving with mounds of proof)
- Automatically assuming we were going to call someone for a repair. Let me decide and let me handle it.
- Asking me if i remembered to pack something. (this may vary between men)
- Telling me to go speak to someone or tell someone goodbye at a social function.
- Asking “Are you sure? ” after I have already given a confident “yes” to “Do you know what you are doing?” (Peacefulwife here – Probably best not to say, “Do you know what you are doing?” ladies!)
- In short, only question me once, especially if its something you know no nothing about.
- cussing/yelling/name calling
- Arguing with me when I make a family decision
- Remaining silent in front of the children rather than supporting me when a discipline decision is made
- Lack of acknowledgement of hard work/providing for the family
- Failure to say “You’re a good dad.”
- Failure to say thank you in general
- Failure to support a decision I’ve made in my absence
- Speaking poorly about me, even in a “joking” way to others
- Correcting me when I am telling stories
- Making light of or “poo-pooing” something that I think is important
- “The look.” It may vary from woman to woman, but you all have one. Used whenever you disapprove of whatever just happened, whatever was just said, or whatever idea the husband just floated. May be followed by verbal elaboration of the disapproval, but 100% effective without the elaboration. The longer the marriage, the less need for any verbal elaboration. It’s funny to talk about for everyone but the husband who receives it. Believe it or not, it’s soul-crushing — at least when it’s a frequent occurrence.
- Obviously, the eye-roll, the sigh, the huff, the pursed lips, the crossed arms, the tapping foot, the hands thrown in the air, etc. These are all distinct from “the look.”
- The comment to the kids that’s actually directed at dad, frequently while leaving the room with the child after getting dad’s input and not being satisfied with it.
- Any disagreement with or disapproval of the dad in front of the kids is exponentially more crushing (and, probably for most men, infuriating — anger being the emotion that immediately follows hurt).
- Refusing, avoiding, or qualifying your apology when the husband calls you on any of these disrespectful behaviors. It doesn’t take very many times of hearing “I’m sorry I said that in front of the kids, but you [reiteration of the original complaint/criticism and/or addition of another].” Why seek an apology if it’s only going to net another insult?
- Keeping “your” finances separate from the “family’s” finances.
- Blaming your husband for economic circumstances beyond his control — loss of a job, difficulty finding a job, diminished cash flow because customers are slow in paying, etc. NOTE: Complaining about the circumstances or wishing out loud for different circumstances feels like blame to your husband. Find a way to commiserate with him about the circumstances without complaining about them.
- Holding a grudge against your husband for economic circumstances that were within his control but turned out differently than he expected.
- Complaining about an offense that he committed, usually unintentionally, and then not letting him fix it, or even attempt to.
- Giving him your input (which he solicited) for an important decision — choice of a church, choice of a house, etc. — and then rejecting all the choices he comes up with, even if they meet all your stated criteria and nothing else does. Bonus points for holding a grudge if he goes ahead and picks one of those choices, whether it works out ok or not.
- Remaining silent when one of the kids complains that dad won’t listen or doesn’t care, rather than actively attempting to defend dad, when dad has in fact tried to take the child’s wants/needs into account but has made a decision that the child doesn’t like.
- Expecting your husband to meet your need for security in a way that requires perfection or omniscience. Of course he shouldn’t knowingly do things that undermine your security, but the reality is that his ability to keep or make you secure is very limited.
- Implicitly or explicitly letting him know that, once your early days of poverty are behind you (those days when you told him that as long as you had each other, you had enough), you are going to be very unhappy about any prospect of being back there again, for whatever reason.
- If marriage counseling is necessary, communicating (or simply believing, which will be communicated one way or another) that he is the problem. Bonus points for firing the counselor (or simply not going back) if the counselor puts too much pressure on you to change something. TEST: What would your reaction be if your husband fired a counselor or refused to go back because the counselor was putting too much pressure on him?
- When your disrespect for your husband has become too manifest to ignore, and your husband makes the rather obvious deduction that perhaps it’s time for the two of you to seek outside advice in a particular area (from a pastor, marriage counselor, financial counselor, etc.), reject the outside advice if it is in line with what your husband was doing or recommending. Put him in a can’t win situation so that there’s no authority you’ll submit to and there’s no one whose endorsement of your husband will have any meaning to you.
- If there are theological non-essentials on which you disagree (Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or just 4-point Calvinism vs. 5-point Calvinism), mode of baptism, music, determining the will of God in a decision, etc.), behave as if his view is dangerous.
- Insist that your standards for acceptable family entertainment be the governing standards, and let it be known every time your husband’s choices stray from your standards. Bonus points if you can criticize him, preferably in front of the kids, when a protective measure he has attempted to use (a language filter, fast forwarding, etc.) isn’t 100% effective at eliminating the content he was trying to avoid.
- Live in fear because you can’t trust God to take care of you through your husband or, if necessary, in spite of your husband.
- Attach catastrophic significance to every personal and parenting choice out of fear that if you and your husband do not “measure up,” God will punish you, including by allowing your children to become prodigals. [Bonus points if you can, with a straight face, agree that God doesn't behave that way but arrive at the same level of fear anyway because "actions have consequences."]
- When put on the spot to compliment your husband on something, focus on his skill at his job and not anything about his performance as a husband or father.
- Write him flowery compliments four times a year (Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, and his birthday) and then live the rest of the year as described above. It will take him years to figure out that you didn’t really mean any of those nice things you wrote — at least not when times get tough.
- Generally treat sex with him as a chore or an imposition (when you’re not ignoring it altogether). Bonus points if you can occasionally (twice a year may be sufficient) behave as if you actually want to have sex with him. You’ll have him thoroughly confused pretty much right up until the time you ambush him with the divorce.
- Making me feel that I’m less of man because I don’t look as attractive as I did years ago.
- Making comments about my lack of ability to remember.
- Doubting what I say until it’s affirmed by someone else.
- Thinking that I’m not smart enough to know when she’s lying to me.
- Treating me like I’m a child, and can’t take care of myself.
- Taping notes to the refrigerator or cabinet telling me what to do, and how to do it.
- Taking credit for things I did.
- Changing the channel when I’m watching something.
- Ordering me around like I’m her personal assistant.
- Griping me out when I get something wrong that she should have done herself.
- criticism – specifically of character “you’re a terrible husband” “a real man would do it this way” etc
- care nothing about what the husband thoughts or feelings are on any particular subject or decision. Insisting that the only correct and “normal” conclusion is the one she came up with.
- react with great emotional upset if husbands ideas, thoughts or what he finds important aren’t a mirror image of the wife’s. And accuse him of not loving you like you deserve because he thinks differently.
- assume the absolute most negative things about your husband. Assume that all his motives are selfish and evil. Give him no benefit of the doubt and absolutely, by no means, do not give him the respect to listen to what he has to say to find out what his thinking or motives are. Also be sure to never waver in your assumptions of evil.
- dress him. (Get upset if ) he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening. Bonus points for telling him he looks like a fool.
April — This is a “world class” list. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And, in addition to being able to consider this with respect to wives, in almost all your examples all one has to do is slightly reword then to turn the issue into “How does a husband fail to show LOVE to his wife?” I know this is going to be a very useful tool for the guys in my men’s groups. This issue, along with exactly how does a guy demonstrate servant leadership (which you dealt with recently), is a key concern.
So basically, a wife cannot express one iota of dissatisfaction with anything whatsoever, fantastic.
Evelyn,
Hey! Thanks for the comment. I am really glad you expressed your frustration, and I hope that I can throw you a big life preserver to hang onto here.
To me – this list is beautiful. How could I say that?
Well… 4 years ago, when I realized that I had been a pretty darn disrespectful and controlling wife (without even knowing it) – I DESPERATELY needed a list like this! I didn’t have resources or books or a godly older wife to mentor me. I truly did not have any concept of what respect or disrespect was to a man. And, unfortunately, at that time – my husband wasn’t sure either. I would ask him, “Would this be disrespectful to you?” “Is this respectful?” And he didn’t know. So I felt like I was walking through a minefield and I had ZERO direction about what to avoid or what to do. I felt so clueless and lost.
Thankfully – a wife CAN and SHOULD express her desires, needs and wants to her husband. I believe it is her responsibility to do so. But there actually are ways to share our hearts and feelings and our perspective without being disrespectful that get us HEARD by our husbands. And as our husbands feel more and more respected – our feelings become more and more important to them.
Now, usually – if I say I want something or don’t want something – my husband jumps at the chance to do something that will delight me and make me happy. He ignored me years ago – all the nagging, criticizing, lecturing, telling him what to do, negativity, eye rolling and turning up the volume did not get me what I wanted at all.
So – to me – this list is actually very empowering for women. And even more empowering, in my view, is a post called 101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband. Check it out!
I’m glad to talk with you if you have anything you want to discuss.
May God richly bless your marriage and your walk with Him!
This post may be helpful, too, if you are interested.
http://peacefulwife.com/2012/09/10/asking-your-husband-for-things-so-that-he-wants-to-say-yes-2/
Yes, that aspect of it is infuriating. Most of the list, however- the parts about not making fun of the husband’s looks, or acting as equal parents in front of the kids- just seem like being a decent human being to me. So as long as both parties in the marriage are paying attention to these things, I see nothing wrong with that. I’m not religious at all, I just found this list through a link.
Yes- if we would treat our husbands with decency, kindness, thoughtfulness – we would certainly have stronger marriages no matter what our beliefs about God were. His design works regardless of what culture or religion a marriage is in. Thanks!
Hello Evelyn,
A wife is well within her rights to express dissatisfaction to her husband.
Sarah did with Abraham (Gen. 21:8- 12).
Rebekkah did with Isaac (Gen. 27:46).
Hannah did with Elkanah (1 Sam. 1:4- 8).
But they did so respectfully (Col. 4:6), as should be the case with both husband and wife. In fact, Sarah is a very fine example of a godly wife (1 Pet. 3:1- 6) that is worthy of imitation.
Oftentimes we husbands pay more attention,not to what wives are saying, but HOW it is said- the tone of voice, disposition, demeanor, attitude. I myself have been known to say, “babe, I can’t hear you over your tone of voice (or attitude, or sarcasm, etc.).”
So, express yourself freely.
Robert, Yes! I believe wives have an obligation to share their feelings, desires and concerns with their husbands. How can husbands lead if they don’t have all the information? If we disagree, we don’t have to be silent. We may voice our concerns – but in private and respectfully! And then, if our husbands still disagree, we may have to drop it and not continue trying to force our way, but trust that God will lead us through our husbands. Of course, if they ask us to sin, we must respectfully resist that and obey God.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs told his young wife at one time, “You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.” Her statements were correct, but her tone and delivery were very disrespectful.
Thanks for your insights, Robert!
Yes, that’s quite a list. I’m not sure any wife anywhere could not screw up on a daily basis by doing SOMETHING on this list. And some of this list is just snarky and condescending: “Be sure to have an absolute conniption fit if he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening.” Etc. Sheesh. That’s a bit hostile, don’t you think? I’d edit the list down to something actually manageable for the average woman and lose the hyperbole. (And PS: Wanting our husbands to look good is not a bad thing. Women usually know more about fashion and so perhaps a husband should defer to his wife in dressing for special occasions. Why? Because other women judge us for how our husbands look. Yup. They see it as a reflection on us if our husbands look unkempt in public, much like men might judge a man’s financial/provider status if they see his wife driving around in a cruddy car.)
Each man has his own list – that was about 10 different husband’s lists together.
It is a bit lengthy. I know – I have thought about trying to edit it down – will pray about that some more.
I can tell you this – YES – there are some seriously surprising things on there that most wives would never have guessed and absolutely do every single day.
But – God is able to change our hearts and help us learn that mysterious foreign language of respect – it is pretty amazing to watch Him change a wife like that. I have seen it many times.
I like the list about respect at the top of my home page, it is more positive and constructive.
But first, wives usually learn what is disrespectful and try to stop that – even the unintentional stuff.
Then they begin to add the stuff that speaks respect to their man – and many times God does some serious miracles!
It’s wonderful to hear from you!
Thanks for the comment.
Wow, this is a fantastic list! Thank you for rounding up the guys for their comments. May you continue to be blessed as you continue to bless us “peaceful” wives!
Anna and Ronfurg,
I think this list is phenomenal. I know it will help a lot of wives understand disrespect and respect much more clearly.
Thank you to the husbands for your willingness to help the ladies out here!
Great list, can I re-post it on my blog?
I think these husbands did a really great job. Of course you may!
Thanks, Marriagecoach1
WOW! Have I got a lot of attitude cleaning to do! Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have acknowledged some of these behaviors and have been able to either cut back or even eliminate them. And for the ones that I have a hard time overcoming, I’ve been praying (sometimes in King David style anguish) to the Lord. I also know that you have been praying for me, April. Thank you, sweet prayer warrior!!! Thank you, also to the husbands who took the time to compile this list.
Marie,
Yes – I pray for you daily, and I see God doing HUGE things in your soul. I see Him creating that gentle, peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear. I know it is tough to stay still for the chisel and hammer that God uses to shape us – but it is so worth it! Hang in there and cling to Christ, my dear friend. As you are able to eliminate all the disrespect – and begin to figure out how to show respect instead – God has so many miracles in store for you!
Thank you April- so helpful! Now, as GI Joe used to say, “knowing is half the battle…” now to put on the armor for the other half
Emily,
You are SO right! That was my problem for 15.5 years in our marriage – I didn’t know! It’s hard to fix something you don’t know is a problem.
Thanks!
Forgot a big one.. asking “Why…?” when paired with Why would you do it like that and rolling the eyes.. or why would you go that way when it’s easier to go this way..
Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying what you did is wrong and it should be done like this how can you not see that.
Ryan,
THANKS!
You are absolutely right. I will add that to the list!
Apr
The look… that one made me laugh. Great blog. I always enjoy reading it! Thank you.
absolutely awesome list.
I totally agree! Very helpful and powerful stuff!
Is there a good way to ask “why” that won’t be seen as disrespectful? I want to understand my husband’s thought processses so that when he’s gone, he’s military and gone a lot, I can know what he’s looking for in a good decision.
Greatwhitediaries,
That is an awesome question!
I’m going to ask the guys if they might answer – and, of course, you can ask your husband and see what he prefers, as well!
Greatwhitediaries,
Check out the comments on my post tonight – one husband, Daniel, answered your question. I think there is a lot of wisdom in his answer.
I had another husband add his thoughts to the list today. Some more really good points. I may put them in a separate post later. Don’t want anyone to miss them!
Reblogged this on The Bad Husband.
This is a fantastic list! So many of the things really jumped out at me. I thought about how disrespected, discouraged and defeated I feel when my wife does these things. I would add a few more to the list if I could…
(1) criticism – specifically of character “youre a terrible husband” “a real man would do it this way” etc
(2) care nothing about what the husband thoughts or feelings are on any particular subject or decision. Insisting that the only correct a nd “normal” conclusion is the one she came up with.
(3) react with great emotional upset if husbands ideas, thoughts or what he finds important aren’t a mirror image of the wifes. And accuse him of not loving you like you deserve because he thinks differently.
(4) assume the absolute most negative things about your husband. Assume that all his motives are selfish and evil. Give him no benefit of the doubt and absolutely, by no means, do not give him the respect to listen to what he has to say to find out what his thinking or motives are. Also be sure to never waver in your assumptions of evil.
(5) dress him. Be sure to have an absolute conniption fit if he does not wear what you think is appropriate for the evening. Bonus points for telling him he looks like a fool because he wants to wear sneakers instead of sandals.
Mr. E,
I LOVE your list! I wonder if you might allow me to include it in a post anonymously. I want to be sure all the wives see it. This is very good stuff. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights! I think this will help wives be better able to understand how they come across sometimes to their men. Well done!
I have a question regarding “insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you”… we have a very large amount of debt from my husband’s student loans and car and he is not working. I currently work 3 jobs (one full time and 2 on the side) to support the family and try to pay down the debt. He wants to freelance from home BUT it has not generated any significant kind of income (only a few hundred dollars) after many months. I am overwhelmed. How can I communicate my need for him to either increase his income significantly or get an outside job–in the very near future–without being disrespectful? If we had no debt I really would not care how much he made because my primary income is sufficient. But so many thing are on hold or in jeopardy until the debt is gone and I am afraid of what might happen if my hours are cut or I lose my job.
Jenny,
My view is to mention it from the perspective of “I can’t do this anymore.” “I’m overloaded.” “I’m overwhelmed.” “What do you want me to do?” “What can I cut back on?” “This is too much weight for me.”
AND – I would be sure that paying off the debt is not a bigger priority than God or your marriage. Easier said than done. Debt is scary. I would want to cut it down as soon as possible, too. But if you succeed at paying off the debt in 2 years and destroy your marriage and relationship with God – that is NOT success!
Do any of the husbands have any suggestions?
Thanks, Jenny!
Reblogged this on Joyfully Submitted and commented:
I had not planned to post this weekend, but I just had to share this when I came across it. It is perfectly appropriate for our current topic of discussion!
April — I believe your response is the right one. Just as a husband, or wife for that matter, can go to our LORD with our cares without being disrespectful to Him, a wife can, and I believe should, go to her husband with her cares and concerns and our “overwhelmedness.” The heart attitude is the all important factor. When we ask for God’s guidance or help it is in no way disrespectful. However, there should be no accusatory tone or, as the question states, any sort of insinuation.
Thanks Ronfurg! That was very helpful!
In a marriage there are a lot of expectations on both sides. However there are some things that a partner totally dislikes and the other one should try to mend ways on that. Thanks!
Peaceful Wife- First let me commend you on this blog. I stumbled upon it one day while prayerfully seeking answers about my marriage. This list was very detailed and long! Lol! I think it just about covered every way a wife can display disrespectful behavior to her husband. Although I’m the one that seems actively trying to improve my marriage, I still seek to find my errors and correct them. I can’t begin to disclose all of the complex issues I’m facing; however I ask for your prayers and intercession. I don’t know if I want to try anymore. I’m severely malnourished in my relationship in the areas of (communication, leadership, compromise, etc. etc) and wonder if staying is the will of God for my life.
Desperate Wife,
I am so glad to meet you! Thank you for writing. Of course I will pray for you – and if you would allow me – I will also give your first name to the 5 wives on my prayer team to pray for as well.
Unless your husband is an unbeliever and he leaves you, or he is committing adultery against you – I believe the Bible is clear that God hates divorce and that he desires couples to reconcile and work towards unity and a God-honoring marriage.
I am very happy to hear that you are focusing on your end of the marriage and what you can do differently. When you couple changing yourself with doing things God’s way and being empowered by Him, putting Him first in your life – God can do unimaginable things in your marriage! But first, I believe He wants to work on you.
If you would like to email me about what is going on, we can talk some more and I will do my best to point you to CHrist and His Word. There is MUCH cause for hope!
Is your husband a believer?
If he is a carnal believer or an unbeliever, I Peter 3:1-6 is where your power is – not in words about God and spiritual things, but your respectful and pure behavior.
Be sure to check out the list 101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband at the top of my home page for some positive things that do usually speak respect to our men, to!
As you cut out all the negativity, criticism, condemnation, lecturing, bossing him around, telling him what to do, belittling him, sarcasm, judgment, attempts to control, angry looks, disrespectful body language and tone of voice and trying to get your own needs met – that will begin to allow things to heal. Then when you begin to add encouragement for what he does right, admiration for what you genuinely like about him, praise for anything he does good, smiling whenever possible, being friendly, and putting Christ first in your heart (being full of joy and confidence and strength in Jesus) – God will be able to breathe life into your marriage in many cases. It may take months or years – that is ok. It’s possible your husband may never change. But the most important thing is that YOU are close to Christ and you are obedient to Him.
For how to get started on this journey. Check out this post.
For how to pray for your husband so God will hear you, check out this post.
May God richly bless your walk with Him and your marriage!
Or y’know, you could just try mutual respect and the three C’s- Cooperation, Communication and Compromise. Then you don’t have to lug around a huge list- just be a decent person. That works too.
Yes, being a decent person would be a big step in the right direction!
Peacefulwife, I have enjoyed reading your blog about what husbands view as disrespectful. I notice, however, in the very extensive list that it was not mentioned the relationship problem inherent in step-families, where the mother favors her biological child(ren) over and above her God appointed head. (reference 1 Cor. 11:3 & Eph 5:23) I say this b/c too many women feel that their offspring come before their mates, and this is not in harmony with Jehovah’s view as recorded in Genesis 2: 24, where the husband and his wife, NOT the mother and her offspring, would become one flesh. Jesus even reiterated this at Matt. 19: 4-7, where he mentioned that the two (man and his wife) will be one flesh. The same can be said of a husband who is favorable toward his biological offspring over and above his wife. This, too, would not be scriptural. (reference Eph. 5: 24, 25, 28-33; 1 Pet. 3:7)
Also, I commend you for going against the grain in following Christ’s example of subjection, and applying it in your marriage. Women like you truly exemplify the wife described an Prov. 31.
Robert,
I am SO glad you brought up this point! I have addressed it – but it was many months ago. And I definitely want to include this point in the post about disrespect. This is a huge source of contention and disrespect in many families. I have counseled with a number of wives that were putting their biological children above their husband and things were a MESS for the marriage and the children.
This is a particularly challenging aspect of respect for wives – even when they are married to the father of their children. So many wives are extremely afraid to trust their husbands’ parenting. And, unfortunately, they end up often causing much worse damage to their children by undermining their husbands’ authority and refusing to cooperate with his decisions than their husbands would have caused even if they made a poor decision – in my view. And when you add step-children into the equation – things get REALLY complicated and convoluted. I counsel women to follow their husband’s decisions. I believe they may say what they want and feel and desire to happen. I believe wives should share their perspectives respectfully, calmly and politely. But then I believe that God’s Word is clear that we are to cooperate with our husbands’ ultimate decision unless he is clearly asking us to sin or condone sin.
Would you allow me to add your comments to this post? I appreciate your insights greatly!
Sure, you can use whatever comments I make on whatever post you choose. It is, after all, your blog.
Also, as I think of it, you may add:
- making accusations based, not on facts, but on emotion, and allowing this to guide subsequent actions/speech.
AWESOME!
Thank you very much!
Getting angry when your husband confronts you about something you did wrong.
Blaming him for your emotions during arguments, especially during PMS, pregnancy, and other ‘hormonal’ times.
Promising sex and not following through. Promising sex and making him until a long ‘to-do’ list is done when it could be done earlier.
Thank you, Me!
oh how this list reminds us that we are only human & we fall short daily in many aspects of our walk with The Lord and secondly our spouses. I think it’s a great idea to make a check list of weak areas and make it a point to pray on these areas and select a few a day to work on and then move on down the list…. By the end of week two we will have become accustomed to the change on the right direction and it will become second nature to us! Even the best of the best fall short daily and needs to now the knee and ask for forgiveness and guidance. Noone is perfect. What a great list…..maybe wives need a list of husbands weaknesses? Maybe it would be of help for your male readers? Or even for us wives to see our weak areas from it is about the guys that irritate us….& we can improve the entire situation and stop the vicious cycle that’s stuck on repeat.
Yes, we are all human and sinful and we do all fall short. How I wish I had a list like this years ago because I didn’t even see my sin for many years!
I also have a list about what husbands find to be respectful at the top of my home page that is very helpful.
I only write for women, so I do not address husbands or advise them. But my husband has such a list on his site http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.ccm.
Thank you for your comment!
I came here (to your blog) after finding out that my husband has been feeling degraded by me for a long time. Yesterday, he was looking for the kleenex box. He kind of grunted and finally got up and got one from another room. He has asked me to be more direct when I speak to him, so instead of saying “for future reference, the box that used to be there was moved over there by [our son] for easier access”, instead I said ” the box is over there now” and pointed. I felt it was information exchange just as dull and unobtrusive as “we’re having chicken for supper”. He then told me to stop degrading him and correcting his choices after he makes them. That he had found a box and was happy with that. I was so stunned I dropped my water bottle on the floor. I said that I was only trying to help as I thought he was looking for that box and deserved to know where it was. He then told me that I “help” like this all the time and that it shows a lack of faith in him. I was heartbroken. After a long cry, while he cooled down, I asked if the other phrasing would have been better. He said it would have been, because it was not accusatory. (I talk too much and I have been working hard to be direct when addressing him, as he prefers “the way men talk – concise and to the point with no needless babble”.) The discussion went on to reveal many more shortcomings, including that my medical conditions are making it impossible to rely or depend on me. I want to be helpful to my family even tho I am not able to physically do what I once was. Information was my way of helping but he has told me that I must stop being helpful to him if I want him to feel more respected. I’m struggling because I was reared to believe that NOT helping people was tantamount to harming them. I always lend a hand whenever and wherever I can. It’s part of my identity and to shut it off for my husband feels like lying about my true self, even tho it’s what he wants. I am truly heartbroken. I never thought of myself as disrespectful and this has been quite a blow. Finding out that he has been suffering silently all these months, when I thought I was being a kind, cheerful, helpful wife makes me feel like a monster. I am fearful that I will not be able to change my behavior sufficiently in all the ways that I now know I am deficient. I want to please him dearly. The one thing I am thankful for is that that box of kleenex opened my eyes to why I have felt that he has been pulling away from me, emotionally and physically, these last few months. I don’t want to lose his love. Do you have any advice to help me?
Lily,
I so relate to your feelings right now! I always thought I was the BEST Christian wife EVER – the first 14.5 years of our marriage. I thought I was being responsible and helpful. I thought I was doing the right thing all the time. And when I read Love and Respect 4 years ago – I was SHOCKED to learn that not only did I not have “a high A on my wife report card” I probably had more like a D-. I wanted to go live in a cave and never see anyone again! I cried for 3 days. How could it be possible that I never saw all my PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE, idolatry (of being in control myself, and of my husband – expecting him to be responsible for my happiness), and my disrespect and rebellion against God’s Word. I thought i was obeying Him all that time.
My husband NEVER said anything about my sin. He suffered silently, too. I was sure if I hurt him, he would quickly tell me just like I told him constantly that I felt unloved and lonely.
He never did.
It is shocking to really have to face the fact that I am a wretched sinner. That I don’t just owe Jesus “a little bit” but rather, I owe Him “billions of dollars” of sin debt. Who knew?!!?
My entire blog is about this subject. There are over 400 posts that will help you!
YOu may want to start with the ones at the top of my home page – maybe the one about respect next. And then the one about biblical submission. There is also a collection of some of my youtube videos under “Peacefulwife Videos.” And my Youtube channel is “April Cassidy.”
I will be happy to walk beside you on this road. It is a LONG journey. You will probably have to throw away most of what you think you know about being a believer in CHrist, about femininity, masculinity, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a husband and marriage and rebuild on the foundation of Christ and His WOrd alone instead of the poison of our culture that has so contaminated our marriages.
Check out some of those posts, then let me know how you are doing and what you are thinking and we will begin the baby steps. Another helpful post – you can scroll on my blog timeline at the top of my home page to Jan 1, 2013. That is a great one to start with, too.
Much love to you! God is ABLE! This is the beginning of a new chapter and healing for your relationship with God and your husband. :
You know, I think on many levels this is a simple ‘couples’ respect list… No wife would want to be treated in the above manner either. I find that my husband does a lot of the above and I often feel dismissed, devalued, disrespected, annoyed, frustrated, and the list goes on of negative emotions… to the point that I give up inside and just want out of the marriage thinking it will not change. I am a wife, and my husband does a good fair share of the list provided. It upsets me regularly. Trying to ‘submit’ to someone behaving in the manner above is less than ideal. Both parties are to submit to EACH OTHER and to the marriage… If one party is doing the above list, it creates a lot of emotional distance and anger and pain in the other and in the marriage… it really makes a person want to fight and leave, and find someone that appreciates them, or at least knows how to treat another human with kind regard rather than childish defensive power plays all the time… this is as I see it, the stuff of this list.. control freak stuff that really ruins relationships. I am guilty of some of it myself.. I am of course not perfect, however, it makes me sad that I see these things as problematic and wish them to change, but my husband doesn’t see his ways… maybe if I am more of a ‘peaceful wife’ as you describe he might? Maybe he is behaving as such because of my own behaviors as well… or in-part at least.
Jenny,
Both spouses definitely need love and respect from each other. Yes, many things on this list would absolutely feel very disrespectful to wives as well and create the exact response you have described.
When one spouse does something hurtful – many times the other spouse responds in a hurtful way, too. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect) calls this “The Crazy Cycle.” He describes how when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts in a way that comes across unlovingly to his wife. And when a wife feels unloved, she reacts in a way that is disrespectful to her husband – and the cycle just spins on and on and on until someone decides to give the other person what he/she needs even if his/her own needs go unmet for awhile.
A husband’s love motivates his wife’s respect. Her respect motivates his love.
But even if only one person changes – even if the other person doesn’t try to change one bit – and one person begins meeting the needs of the other selflessly – yes, most of the time, eventually, the other person will begin to reciprocate.
Ultimately – as believers in Christ, we respect and love because that is what Christ asks us to do – and He will reward us in heaven for how we treat others when we obey Him. If my motive is to try to control or change my husband, it won’t work.
But if you do look at your end of the relationship and cut out the negatives and begin adding respectful positive things (I have a post at the top of my home page about respect as well) – I believe that in time you will become the person you want to be and have many less regrets. And as your husband feels more respected and honored, most men respond to that (once they really believe it is true and not a passing fad) by desiring to serve their wives and love them more.
I’m here if you want to talk through things some more.
Here is a list of stuff my husband does, that looks just like this wishlist that a husband would have for his wife:
1. Too busy with work and work stress to be able to relax with me at night.
2. Dumps all his problems/complaints on me first thing when he gets home as if I don’t have any stress myself.
3. Is often ‘slightly’ late when I am waiting for him at home with dinner on the table that I came home early from work to prepare for us.
4. Promises more sex on a regular basis and is then too tired or stressed from his work to follow through…
5. even promises that if he doesn’t follow through on the sex, he will replace it with a foot massage… [still owes me several of those.. and hasn't followed through on that either]
6. Often gets overly emotional and/or outraged at things and goes to extreme black and white thinking…
7. If I launch a ‘complaint’ about something, threatens to take that thing away completely as a way to ‘fix’ the problem.
8. Often ignores me while I am trying to talk to him if he is too busy with the TV
9. Rarely apologizes
10. Finds committing to a date night once a week is too much.
11. Fights and complains at me if I ask him to not work every single day of the week so that we can have at least one day to ourselves… for some sort of fun and relaxation.
12. Says his workaholism is for ‘our’ benefit… that he is doing it for me/us [I hold down a full time job myself that is providing ALL of our savings.. yet HE is the one that is stressed out and doing it all for us...]
13. Acts often like ‘marriage’ is holding him back for a more free life of impulse
14. Is often defensive
15. Is often negative, to the point I have to be the cheerleader of the home to have some peace.
16. Baby talks me
17. Asks me “Do you know I love you?” which I find to be a horrid weird question, and makes everything awkward. The one time I said honestly that I wasn’t sure because it didn’t feel that way when he said or did such and such”… he got furious with me, so I quickly learned to just say ‘yes’.
18. Refuse to join bank accounts for the frist 8 months of marriage creating a very unstable feeling in the marriage.
19. Often say he will do something, and not follow through…
20. Make promises for dates and fun things, but then tell me that ‘he learned from the way our honeymoon went that he cannot make any mistakes..’ so I need to book it all myself so I cannot be upset about any of it.
21. Not allow me to influence him.
22. Acts jealous of my place of work, my life/schedule, my ‘freedom’ if I will stay at home to take care of our future kids while he has to work and work to provide
23, Acts like a big tough guy with an overly inflated ego, but constantly complains about TONS of stuff on a daily basis, often things he can be much more calm and assertive about, taking a more leadership role…
I don’t know… It’s hard to be a peaceful WIFE under the circumstances of the above.. a peaceful person even…
but maybe I will practice more of what you are saying and see if it makes a difference? at least in my own peace of mind.
Wow thanks! I cannot believe you responded. I am very grateful. I guess it felt good for me to vent because, being married, I still don’t know who to talk to so that I don’t make my husband feel disrespected… and I often feel alone. “Crazy cycle” is right… I listen to Dr. Laura a lot, so I know what you say here is also true… I just get so frustrated… I make a point NOT to complain much, and not to unload my stress to him, but also I try to guard myself from some of his stress because it becomes overwhelming for me, and if I tell him to give me a breather here and there, he becomes defensive and that makes me feel worse that just shouldering his stress… Then I figure he has enough stress for the both of us, but that doesn’t work either because I am not a garbage can, and all that negative energy has to go somewhere… so I suppose it comes back out in another way on my end. I think I have the ‘quiet’ part down… all I need to embrace is the ‘compliment’ part… I am really not great at that, especially when my glasses are colored with disrespect… meaning, I have lost respect for my husband, and I do not look up to him much lately, so it is easy to not say anything at all, and just think these thoughts and have a pleasant demeanor, but to give a sincere compliment, which I know he is needing, has been a really tough thing for me and it is where I struggle… Maybe I can start small! I will try it. I mean really, I used to like him! I should be able to like him again, or at least some things about him?! I think things are just colored in a bad way because of all the built up resentment…
I definitely think there are some things you can find, even small things, to thank him for and appreciate him for.
The fact that he is working if he is working.
The fact that he is still there with you.
Those are some places to start.
Anything you can think of that you do appreciate, admire or respect about him?
Taboo,
Are either of you believers in Christ?
How long have you been married?
What do you do when he doesn’t meet your expectations? What thoughts go through your head? What expression do you usually have on your face? What tone of voice?
What does he ask you to do/change?
Do you have any children?
What was his parents’ marriage like?
What was your parents’ marriage like?
What is your goal in the marriage?
Let’s hash through this stuff together! There is every reason for hope! This situation is not at all beyond help. YOU alone have a ton of power to breathe life and healing into this marriage.
If you want to, Taboo – you may email me at aprilc@sc.rr.com.
AHHH this blog is AMAZING~! I wish I found this years ago! God forgive me for being such a bratty woman!
D,
Thankfully, God is able to forgive and empower you to be the woman of HIS dreams! I wish I had known this stuff 19 years ago myself!!!!!