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A Disrespected Husband's Perspective

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the husband who took the time to answer these questions in such detail.  Wives – please hear this husband’s heart and consider – does your husband feel like this man does?  My husband wasn’t able to articulate himself and verbalize how disrespected he felt before God opened my eyes to my sin 4 years ago – he just withdrew.  Some husbands react with great anger.  Some husbands TRY to tell their wives how disrespected they feel – but the wives can’t “hear” their pain.  How that breaks my heart!  Please listen to this husband’s legitimate masculine needs and to his perspective.  Please don’t justify any disrespect towards your husband or say that your husband deserves this kind of treatment.  Disrespect never “corrects” a bad situation.  It only makes things infinitely worse. Look at the damage we can do when we don’t know how to respect our men and when we try to take over the marriage.  We deserve hell and condemnation – all of us – but God gives us grace, the gift of salvation by Jesus’ blood, mercy and He exchanges our sin for His glory.  We are called to do the same – to give respect, grace, mercy and cooperation even when it appears to be “undeserved” – because God said to do it.  That is how marriages are healed and maintained.  We die to ourselves and our wants so we can give life to our spouse and bless him. 

What does your wife’s happiness mean to you?
I suppose it depends on what she’s happy about.  I care about her being happy, but only about the things that matter.  If she is happy about honoring and loving God and others, treating me like a friend and husband with love and respect, and seeking to walk closer with the Lord Jesus, then that will make me the happiest man alive.  Okay, maybe not, but it will sure feel like it. However, if she gets her happiness from the fading things of this world, the latest fad, or following after her own heart, then her happiness doesn’t really mean anything to me.  I hope that makes sense.

How much harder is it to feel love for your wife when she is disrespectful/controlling?
It seems impossible to feel love when she is like that.  Not only that, but depending on how long or how often it happens, the feelings don’t come back very often. However, I am called to love her no matter what I feel.  It makes it a lot harder to love her without the loving feelings and even having bad feelings about her, but that is where I have to rely on His Spirit and ask for help to give me the grace to love her as God calls me to.  I need to care for her because God tells me to, not because I feel like it.  I wish I felt love for her, but I haven’t for a while now.

What things would you ask your wife to change if you knew she would listen and cooperate with your leadership?

  • I would ask her to stop telling me she loves me and start showing it.  (Remember ladies – words don’t carry a lot of weight with men!)
  • I would ask that she listen to me attentively instead of interrupting me to get to her point or asking about something that I answered five minutes ago.
  • I would ask that she know and care about things that I like and not argue about them or tell me what I should and shouldn’t like.
  • I would ask that she care about “us” in our marriage.
  • I would ask she understand that decisions I make are for “us”, not against her.
  • I would ask that she would let her “yes be yes and her no, no” instead of thinking she has this “right to change her mind” just because she’s a woman.
  • I would ask that she would care about her appearance and what I would enjoy and seek to please me in her appearance.

How difficult is it to lead when a wife is disrespectful/controlling?

Very hard because I just want to give up.  In my case, and as I hear about men in general, it would seem better to have peace then conflict, so it is easier to give up trying to lead and have her get own way then it is fight about it.  When the fighting happens, the man is usually disrespected even more and the woman tries to become even more controlling.   The initial action of controlling/disrespect feels like a knife in your heart and the fighting/arguing feels like twisting the knife while it’s already in.   Sorry about the graphic description, but that’s how it feels.

How does her disrespect affect your sexual desire for her?
It kills sexual desire for me.  I know men are supposed to have this raging drive that can never be quenched, but I don’t. Not only do I not desire her when I am disrespected, I fell like don’t even want to be around her.  Even Proverbs says a bit about it better being on a rooftop or in the desert than be with a contentious woman.  It sure feels that way sometimes.  Anyway, The past few years have been really tough in our marriage.  I can honestly say that I don’t even know if I have desired her in those few years.  Between the controlling, disrespect, and gaining significant weight and telling me it shouldn’t matter to me, I have no desire, but I am there for her since “my body is does not belong to me, but also to her” (1 Cor 7:4).

What would it mean to you if your wife trusted your decisions and supported your leadership? How would that affect you in every area of life? How would it affect your feelings of love for her?
That would be great!  It would mean that she loved me. (Ladies – please hear this!  Husbands don’t feel loved when we don’t trust them and don’t let them lead!)  It would mean that she “safely trusted” in me.  (Pro. 31:11).  It would just give me a great feeling that my wife loved and trusted me.  I don’t how else to say it.  It would definitely increase my feelings of love for her because she trusts me and is not trying to hijack everything I do.

If your wife were to biblically submit to you and respect you – how would you treat her differently?
I wish I could say that nothing would change because I am treating her the way I should now, but I can’t because I know I’m not doing that.  I really don’t know how I’d treat her differently.  I know it would probably be easier to show her love.  However, to say, “I would do this or that differently if she submitted to and respected me” is the wrong attitude to have. If there was any way I would treat her differently in a positive way if she were to submit and respect me, then it is something am not doing now that I should be.  I hope that makes sense.  I should be treating her the way God calls me to whether she submits and respects or not.  I am not accountable for her actions as I am for mine.  I just know it would probably be a lot easier to do the things I am supposed to if she did those things because the feeling of love would probably be there.

Can you describe how much more effective a wife can be at getting her husband to draw nearer to God when she follows I Peter 3:1-6 instead of preaching, lecturing, nagging, criticizing?
The disrespect will only give occasion for him to resent her for doing the things you listed.  However, if 1 Peter 3:1-6 is lived out, he will see a woman who loves God with her heart, not only her words.  He will see that she is not like the other women in the world that rip on their men.  He will see that, because of how she treats and loves him, that she truly cares about him.  She is not trying to “make” him do anything, but may mention it once and then demonstrates it with her life.

How important are your wife’s feelings when you are making decisions?
My wife’s feelings are very important when making decisions. We are a team.  I may not take every feeling as a fact, but still consider them, at least, and let her know they matter.

26 thoughts on “A Disrespected Husband's Perspective

  1. Thank you, April for providing the husbands an opportunity to share their feelings with us. His post really shows the pain that we cause our husbands when we are not showing them respect.

    1. freshvision,
      Thanks for your comments! It hurts my heart deeply to read about a husband’s pain like this. When we deny our husbands what they need – we sabotage ourselves and make it almost impossible for our husbands to be able to give us the love we need. Even if we were just acting out of total selfishness without any regard for obedience to Christ – respect would work! But how much more critical for us to respect our husbands and cooperate with them simply because it is the command of God. He has POWERFUL reasons for asking us to do what He asks of us. We are blessed when we obey!

  2. This line hits the nail on the head much of the time:
    ‘•I would ask her to stop telling me she loves me and start showing it. ‘

    If you really want to SHOW IT you need to understand your man’s love language and do things that SHOW LOVE and RESPECT TO HIM.

    If your love language is gifts and his is acts of service you can buy him gifts until your poor and it means next to nothing to him. Find out what he see’s as being loving and do that, or just ask him how you could show him that you love him.

    No matter how much you think you are showing your love unless it’s in his love language and he see’s it your just missing the mark.

    1. Ryan,

      Thank you for your insight and wisdom for the wives. I think we as wives do this so much! We give our husbands what WE would want – but it doesn’t feel loving to them. So the message doesn’t translate.

      Great points!

  3. Believe it or not this is whole concept of Godly submission and respecting your husband is something I have been researching and building my convictions about for several years. I have so much to say but with family & work it’s hard to find the time to put it all down. I did want to quickly respond to one part of this particular topic though –
    How difficult is it to lead when a wife is disrespectful/controlling?
    This is one aspect that I find most troublesome when respect is lacking in a marriage. I truly believe that I could deal with any amount of verbal abuse my wife could throw at me (dear Lord please don’t test me on that one) but when it comes to being disrespected especially in front of our children I feel truly conflicted. I believe it is our responsibility as parents to show our children how to act and to be examples to them of what a Godly marriage looks like. No matter how much I choose to respect and love my wife in words and actions I struggle with the thought of letting my children down – being a stumbling block to them so to speak – when I allow our marriage to be characterized by such ugly words and actions from her. Even when the words and actions are coming from my wife I feel that as the leader of our family I am supporting that type of behavior by not putting an end to it – but at the same time we all know that I cannot change her. Therefore, when I pray to God to help I feel so hopeless when the disrespect continues (and gets worse) and I see my children learning to be what they are seeing. I know the pain it causes all of us and I can’t help but believe they will choose the same kind of life if we don’t show them it is important enough for us to stop! I can see myself asking them why they are choosing to be disrespectful to their spouse 15 years from now and hearing them reply, “well dad, you always said it was not the way to act but you sat by for all those years and allowed mom to do it to you!” That scares me.
    I cannot count the number of times I’ve told my wife that I know I am wrong about many things. I know I have so much to work on and so many obstacles to overcome to be a better man, husband, and father. I have specifically apologized for the individual wrongs I have done and pleaded with my wife to please point out to me (in a respectful way) where I need to improve and what I may have done to hurt her that I don’t even realized so that I can apologize and repent. BUT when I mess up I feel that it’s almost impossible for me to say I’m sorry when the way my wife brings it to my attention is so disrespectful and dishonoring to God. I have explained to her that when I say something ugly or snap at her when I’m irritable then I am in the wrong. If she would say in a loving way, “Sweetheart, the way you are acting and the things you are saying are really hurting me” then only I would be in the wrong and it would be so much easier to say, “I’m sorry”. However, when I make those mistakes and she chooses to snap back at me or treat me like dirt because of it then she is now in the wrong too and it is so much harder to say I’m sorry.
    I truly believe that part of being a man that women are not held accountable for is protection. A man is responsible for protecting the ones he loves and most importantly his wife and children. A woman is not the one who has to fight when the world attacks. She is only expected to support her husband in the battle. This causes such a painful internal conflict for me when I feel that my wife is putting me in a situation – through her disrespectful words and actions – where I feel that I have to protect my children from her!
    A godly woman must love God first, her husband second, and her children after that. A godly man must love God first, his wife second, his children after that AND he must fight the powers and principalities that threaten his family’s well-being as the platoon leader in the battle. It’s not easy to be the courageous, valiant warrior and the gentle, loving nurturer at the same time – and it’s even tougher when a wife (under the influence of the worldly culture) becomes an attacker.
    I’m not sure if all this makes sense, but I felt compelled to respond since it is something that has been so impactful to us.

    1. Daniel,

      You articulate your thoughts and convictions so eloquently. Yes – this all makes perfect sense to me!

      You are absolutely right that you can’t change your wife – just like I couldn’t change my husband (still can’t!). However, because you are one in Christ – what you do will have a profound INFLUENCE on her. The closer you are to God, the more you are filled with His Spirit, the more you are displaying the love of Christ, the more you are able to let go of anger and bitterness and forgive by God’s power, the more tenderness, gentleness and kindness you show – it will begin to soften her heart. And God will work on her heart as you live in obedience to Him.

      One spouse obeying God brings the power of God’s Spirit into the marriage like Niagra Falls and THINGS WILL HAPPEN! God will partner with you to begin to breathe life into your marriage and to heal it.

      Your job would be infinitely easier if she were also obeying God or at least seeking to learn to respect and submit to Christ and to you. And her job to obey God’s Word is infinitely easier for her when you are obeying God and full of His Spirit.

      You have TONS of power and resources in Christ – so this situation is not at all hopeless. Well… let me restate – it is hopeless if you try to do this in your own strength. But it is not remotely hopeless if you turn the knob to allow God’s Spirit to come into your soul full blast.

      For me – the thing that was preventing me from being Spirit-filled was the sin I was cherishing in my heart. My mountains of sin included – idolatry (of myself, having control, my way, my husband, marriage, being “right”), PRIDE (I thought I knew best – better than my husband, better than God, better than EVERYONE, really), rebellion against God’s Word, worry/anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness and SERIOUS resentment (mostly against my husband, but there were lots of other grudges I held for years, too). The unforgiveness sets up a fortress of Satan in my soul over time (even just in a matter of days) – from which Satan can set up camp and attack me, my husband and my children from the most strategic and effective vantage point ever. And I was cooperating with the enemy – listening to his accusations against my husband, and not cooperating with or listening to God’s voice.

      Until God did open heart surgery on me and I allowed Him to remove all the filthy sin and rot in my heart – I did not have the power of God in my life. I was saved. I was doing the best I could to trust Christ – but my sin had grieved Him so much that His power was just a tiny trickle in my life.

      You cannot change your wife. But when/if the plank is out of your own eye – you may respectfully and tenderly speak the truth in love and gently rebuke her sin – maybe while you hold her hand and hug her and assure her of your love for her, and pray with her.

      Gary Thomas, “Sacred Marriage,” says, “When I am sinned against, I am most tempted to sin myself.” SO TRUE! As God gives you victory over your own sin – He will also empower you to be able to resist the temptation to sin against your wife when she sins against you.

      Your priorities are completely biblical.

      I admire your faith and trust in God, and your desire to be a godly leader in your family. I respect your God-given authority and pray that God will give you His power and wisdom to lead your wife. Right now, she is held hostage by the enemy. She is listening to him. (Check out “My Demon” from 9-23-12 – on the blog timeline at the top of my home page.) Satan absolutely deceives wives and gets them to cooperate with him to attack their husbands and families and to cause massive destruction of God’s design and to create ungodly children.

      You are in a gruesome spiritual battle – and your wife has been brainwashed by the enemy. I believe God will use you to win her back by His power and with the power of prayer.

      We lift up Daniel and ask that You might strengthen him, equip him and give him all the resources and support he needs to be the godly man, husband and father You desire him to be. Open his eyes to what You desire him to do in his own life. Give him Your battle plan to win this victory and reclaim his marriage and wife for Christ. Let these precious children see a godly, beautiful example of the very great mystery of Christ and the church in their parents. Be greatly glorified in this marriage, Lord! Help Daniel to resist Satan. Open his wife’s eyes to the enemy’s tactics. Open her spiritual eyes to Your design and to any sin she may be cherishing in her heart. INfuse this marriage with Your Spirit and strength. Let them shine brightly for You and bring great honor to Your Name!

      In the Name and power of Christ,

    2. Daniel,

      I have additional conversations and posts on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page. This afternoon, I have a post about how disrespectful and controlling wives tend not to take very good care of themselves and tend not to know how to relax – they just work themselves to death and don’t enjoy and have fun. Could be helpful. Thanks!

  4. ” He will see that she is not like the other women in the world that rip on their men.” wow! I’m moved, I fall into the “independent woman”/feminist trap all too often. I pray for humility. Thank you for your article.

  5. I love your blog! Today, I found it for the first time while I was looking up some information on respecting your husband. I thought the interview was so eye opening. I do have a question, though. Do you have any articles specifically on how to respect your husband? My husband is always telling me that he wishes that I would respect him more but I don’t know what to change, he can’t tell me anything, and I feel like I already do. Do you have any posts or interviews like this one that might point in that direction? LOVED this… I liked you on facebook and look forward to following you. I would love for you to visit my site at Have a great week!!

    1. Susan,
      It is wonderful to meet you!

      Yes, I have some posts at the top of my home page that should be very helpful to you as you begin to study how to be a godly and respectful wife. 🙂

      There is one about how to respect our husbands, there is one about what disrespect looks like to husbands, one on biblical submission and one on respect and sexual attraction that you might want to check out.

      Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns, and I will do my best to point you to Christ.

      I had the same problem when I wanted to learn to respect my husband. He couldn’t verbalize what he needed, and I had no clue! That is one reason why I write this blog – to try to make it easier for those who come behind me.

      Much love to you! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you. 🙂

  6. So basically if his spouse does everything he wants and tells her to do he will love her. Nice. Equality sure can screw things up. Wonder if we turned it around how it would go over? Respect is critical for both parties.

    1. Mulberry1,
      Thanks for the comment!
      Great to meet you. 🙂
      I don’t know what your relationship is with Christ.

      No, a wife doesn’t have to be a slave and do everything her husband wants to get him to love her. But a wise wife will learn how to meet her husband’s deep masculine need for respect. Men need respect more than they need love in marriage. (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and Ephesians 5:22-33).

      Wives also need respect. Absolutely! God commands husbands to treat their wives with honor (I Peter 3:7) – and also to love them selflessly and sacrificially and tenderly the way that Jesus loves the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:22-33).

  7. This is a great post. I have seen so many of these things I have done to my husband in the past. We have had a troublesome marriage for the last 10 years. He is a Christian but refuses to go to church with me and our children. He also refuses to do family things with me and the kids, he would rather stay home or go to work. Which I know see is probably because of the lack of respect I have shown him.

    He moved out at the end of September. He hasn’t seen the kids much since he moved out either and has never made much of an attempt at doing so. Usually it is me suggesting he see them. He now has a “best friend” that is a female co-worker that he texts and calls at all hours of the day. He tells me they are just best friends and there is nothing between the two of them. However, as much as I want to believe this it is hard to do so. I want our marriage to work out but it so hard to do the respectful and Godly thing when there is a possibility of an (emotional) affair happening. He knows I know about this relationship and do not approve, but he will not stop it because he says they are just friends and I no longer control who he talks to or who he is friends with.

    I have had Godly people in my life actually tell me to just stop talking to him, because he can’t disrespect me if I don’t let him. I have even told him I want a divorce and had papers drawn up and everything but God stopped me dead in my tracks and told me no. I really love my husband and want to start treating him better with respect and less control, but it is hard to give God the control when I feel as though my husband may be having (at least an emotional) affair.

    1. CeeCee,
      My precious sister! Ugh. This would have obviously been a lot easier a few years ago. BUT – all is not lost. You can still begin to obey God on your end.

      Check out a few ideas on these posts and pray how God might want you to show him respect when possible now. I am not saying you need to respect him having a female friend. Not at all. And if he has completely checked out of the marriage, you may not be able to look to him as the leader in every area right now. But you can respect him as a dad whenever possible and you can show him that you will treat him with respect because he is your husband because you are submitted to Christ. First things first – stop all the disrespect, even the unintentional disrespect. Then begin to build on the genuine respect for the good things you do see in him.

      You can search these posts on my home page:

      – When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God
      – Respecting Our Husbands As Fathers
      – Respecting Our Husbands Around Extended Family
      – Apologizing Stories
      – Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected
      – Spiritual Authority
      – Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them
      – What Is Respect in Marriage

      If your disrespect was really destructive, you have a lot of making up to do to try to make things right and to show him he is safe with you. That is going to take a long time – like – many months or even years.

      I hope you will also read this post from this week.

      1. Thank you so much for your response. I truly believe God sent me to this page and put you in my path. My husband has definetly checked out of our marriage. He tells me that he no longer loves me and there is no way he can ever get that feeling back. However, he does not want to get a divorce yet, but does not want to work on our relationship either. It is very hard to respect him when I do not know what is going on in his life and on the side especially with this other woman now. I do have to admit I do not trust him and that’s probably part of my control issue popping up again. You suggest I show him respect but not with her. How do I go about doing that?

        Also, after reading several of your posts I do realize that I have not submitted myself and my life 100% to God. I pray every day and night about my marriage. However, I know now that I am more worried and praying about saving my marriage than I am to submitting to God. I have tried to give it all to God and surrender it all to him. I do know that God only wants happiness and goodness for us all. But every time I start to let go and let God, I pick it back up again and try to do it myself. And then I try too hard and push my husband further away. And honestly we have been so far apart, living as roommates, for so long, I’m not sure we even have anything in common anymore other than our children.

        Also, I read on your blog about how men sometimes need the sexual aspect before they can begin to relate emotionally. And also I know it says in the Bible for wives to submit to their husbands needs. My body is his body. Is this actually a way to show respect to him? Or am I just letting him “have his cake and eat it too?” I do not want to deny him the physical aspect but also I do not handle it emotionally afterward. (This being since he moved out).

        Thank you so much again for your blog and testimony. It truly has been a blessing to me!

        1. CeeCee,

          You can treat your husband with respect when you talk with him and interact with him. He cannot completely be your leader right now because he is violating your marriage covenant potentially right now. I think there will be a long time of waiting as you allow God to work in your heart and you trust God to work in his heart and you seek to show honor and respect to him in the areas where you are able to at this time in these circumstances. Some wives have written to me about how they cook for their husband and the women he brings home off the street to have sex with and how they try to respect their husbands’ sex addictions or adultery. NO! That is not what I am talking about AT ALL!

          Please search “peaceful separated wife” on my home page – those posts may be more helpful.

          Your relationship and submission to God have to come first. God will bless you with His joy when you are filled with His Spirit, surrendered to Him, and walking in obedience to Him. But His greatest concern is your holiness, love for Him, and obedience, not your happiness. I hope that makes sense. But your satisfaction, contentment, and fulfillment will come from being in harmony and close relationship with Him as a side product, not as the main focus.

          Your struggle is where we all start this journey. Trying to do things in our own strength. Then we learn in baby steps to allow God to work in us.

          Right now, until your husband repents from this other woman and relationship, I do not advise you to seek to be available sexually to your husband. Once he has repented of that and is willing to be transparent and trustworthy and to rebuild trust and wants to work on the relationship, it will be something to consider when you have gotten to a certain level of trust and healing in the relationship – to be available to him again sexually.

          Praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you and your husband and your marriage!

          1. Once again, thank you for your reply. And everything you said makes PERFECT sense to me. I HAVE to trust God to know he will take care of me, I just have to let him. Even if that means in the end that is not with my husband. Thank you for your prayers as well.

            1. CeeCee,

              Yes! We must all hold everything loosely but Christ. Here is a post about that.

              I think you are beginning to really hear God. This is very exciting! I don’t know what the future holds. But I know that if you are abiding in Him – you will be in the best possible place ultimately for you and for His glory!

  8. I feel totally relieved to read this.

    May I add an addendum? It’s:
    Women who mess up are misunderstood.

    I misunderstood my wife.

    One thing she hated is my confronting- YET it had to be done. For example, making fun of me all the time and IN bed and talking about her family and mine… during intercourse. In year One, I’d stand up naked, throw an IKEA lamp, go and take a shower. Feeling defeated. Like “All is wrong.”

    Maybe all IS wrong. Personally I think this world is very unfair. I don’t approve of anybody. I don’t think. I do not DISprove. It’s complex.

    Isn’t it clear, if u believe in a god that God really actually made all this world… with giraffes and cats and people too? What God is seems to be “not a what” at all. Humans are chemical. End of msg to theistic (God seeking) women & men.

    If you are atheist, maybe you say “G_d” or avoid the word. I’m a syncretist between atheist and theist so I call “Him” the “reality”. If I said I’m theist this is Jesus Crucified into a new form such as milk to butter then spread over everything as a solution to ALL. Like laminin, in the microverse. Reality. You can’t beat reality even if you hate it.

    I loathe aspects of real things. I am male so the pitch of a hateful female voice is hard. What does she hate?

    “What is the reality HERE?”

    My wife injured her brain. I have been mentally beat more than any man. The reality comes to me as the New Now from the future. Still the sex life is in shambles. Like a boat’s sail tattered. I move on.

    I love women at level 1, 2, 3… in marriage its 1-11. 11 is the loudest. I was suicidal. This 2013 and 2014. I’m ill. Tired of hanging on. Not into mother thumb and her 4 sisters to paddle. BETTER than being in a real boat cannibalizing! To marry a man and torture him sexually is LEGAL… and leads to insanity & sexual cannibalism and it’s true.

    I struggle EVEN this day with self condemnation and fear as I was raised to not fap and never look at porn and that hell was coming to get 90% of people. Maybe I mentally regressed.
    I am not afraid of my wife but of a man made picture of God. I think I have multiple persons or dis associative mind.

    How’s that sound?

    In reality I cannot feel myself. It’s not her fault. We all do kill and maim with words. To win, you sometimes must lose. To stay sane, sometimes one must accept insanity. In the end, the marriage above all is if all people forgive their enemy.

    Thank you again for the post!
    I’m 41 and I plan to dress in a cat suit because I want to make people laugh. In my city we have DOZENS of city characters like that. I’m using my urge to leave or worse yet cheat and hurt a new person on being… Fun. My roommate rolls her eyes! Ha!! I am funny. She is too proud I think.

  9. The best thing is to understand. I myself experienced a great deal of hurt in the bedroom and “around” it. My wife would talk about her family members and mine during clothing-optional time. Her dad. My mom. Picture a man getting to his feet, marching to the shower. Wife literally had a brain injury after we married.

    She hit a van. End of THAT marriage. She became a carry-over person. My next wife. Arranged marriage by reality. She was argumentative before. The TBI (traumatic brain injury) LOCKED in the structure of her previous attitudinal values.

    Then she started reaching for the wheel. If I gave her a cold cup of water she’d be Jesus taking the wheel! Actually not at all far from my view which is that she is made of crosses and so am I! She is not FIRST my wife but a PERSON. So when people say, “My husband is my lover, spouse, best friend”… I gag.

    Why brag? I still cannot sleep with her after 10 years. Especially now. I do believe she is a better person! Way more social. I am a thinker. Disabled. She still majorly helps me. My weakness is going between hiding as my disease is triggered by stress… and feeling no one understands me, exhausting me to the end of my faith.

    Now after 10 years, contemplating suicide… (Stopped that thinking in 2014)… I READ THIS ARTICLE AND FEEL GREAT.

    I’d like to only add:

    “Be truthful. Know the woman has a story even if she fails YOU.”

    1. Oh, one more thing- with a TBI the solution (which is #1) “communication”… it does NOT work. Maybe once in a blue moon. So I have to (choose to) LET A LOT GO. Words, mostly. Men are perfectionist speakers. Women are voluminous-ornamental speakers.

      So without communication, action. I had to change! I’m a syncretist of Anglican, Zen, humanism. I believe in a not-God… people. And in reality, laminin, crossroads, dreams, vision, anti-depressants, crisis line operators and eating at nice restaurants after funerals. I fear weddings like going to a bris.

      koan (By me):

      A moon bride of many people watches for her sun groom

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