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Trust

 
Today’s guest post is from www.withacuppa.com.  Thank you to this wife for such a beautiful and practical description of how we can trust our husbands and God in our marriage.  I LOVE IT!

Trust is…

putting your hope and belief and confidence in another person’s ability or a personal quality of theirs. Trust is a reliance on them.

In marriage I find that we limit trust to describe the conditions we impose around our husbands. I trust him in the company of other women or I trust that him with our money. We trust when it comes to the world around us, things that happen and with regards to other people and even then we are sometimes challenged by the concept.

Child trusting and leaping to parent's arms.
Trust – Take the Leap!

Trust is so much more!

Trust is about having complete confidence in our husband’s ability to:

  • Act on behalf of our family
  • To lead our family
  • To make decisions for our family
  • To speak up for our family
  • To stand up for his (and our) beliefs and core values
  • To provide for us

But it must also be much more personal than that. I must trust and rely on my husband with (note: WITH not TO DO SOMETHING, but to GIVE HIM SOMETHING):

  • My heart
  • My future hopes and expectations (for our marriage, our family, our life)
  • My sadness
  • My weakness
  • My falibilty
  • What is best for me

I must depend on him to take care of my heart, to nurture and protect me, to do what is right and good for me.Having the courage to let go and release trust into our marriage will liberate me from the belief the I am the only person who can take care of me.

Trust is difficult when…

When we have witnessed the devastating effects of misplaced trust, it becomes harder and harder to put our own trust in our spouses. We are also bombarded with material and messaging that tells us to be independent, self-sufficient and self-reliant. As women choosing to seek God’s face for our lives and our marriages, I believe we need to turn to God and ask Him to direct us as we put trust back into our marriages and relationships.

I am not proposing that it is an instantaneous release to leave past hurts and regrets behind and step into complete trust. I do, however, believe that it is imperative for us to make the decision to actively work towards regaining and rebuilding the lost trust in our marriages.

I communicate trust when…

If you are serious about communicating trust to your husband:

  • If you have left a decision with your husband, make sure that you LEAVE THE DECISION WITH HIM! Don’t be tempted to second-guess or doubt. You have made your decision to trust, now stick to it.
  • Be supportive of your husband in public forums. When he is communicating with you and others (in group format) or on behalf of your family support his judgement. Don’t contradict his statements or opinions. Don’t cut him off or act disrespectfully. If you have a difference of opinion feel free to discuss this with him when the two of you have time together – open forums are not the platform for this.
  • Allow him to be your protector, friend and confidant. Give him the opportunity to speak out for you, to make decisions for you and to give you direction and show his leadership. Be open to the possibility that he will not fail you and he will probably end up ASTOUNDING you.
  • Tell him you value his opinion.
  • Tell him that you are asking for his advice because you trust and want his guidance and advice.
  • Listen to his thoughts.
  • Defer to his leadership as the final earthly authority in your family and marriage.

And when you don’t

Be willing to apologise when you have neglected to place your trust in your husband. Ask for forgiveness. Every time we fail we have a great opportunity to learn and strengthen our future resolve.

For my part, I am desperately aware of how quickly I retract my trust when the pressure is on. Yet, I know that trust is essential to the well-being and survival of our marriages and it is vitally necessary to the well-being and growth of our husbands. It is certainly worth our effort.

11 thoughts on “Trust

  1. This is very good. Playing devil’s advocate, a counterpoint to this approach is the codependency argument. The wife of a man who is or has been addicted to something (alcohol, porn, spending, whatever) is told — or at least this is what she hears — that she can’t trust her husband because to do so is to enable him and to be codependent. This is true regardless of what external accountability mechanisms are in place. I’d be interested in your take on this (though it might be something for its own separate post sometime).

    1. David,

      That’s an excellent question. I do think there can be times with severe addictions where the husband will need outside help and accountability. I also believe a wife has to resist sin and firmly, lovingly, respectfully and gently confront sin. If repentance doesn’t occur – then she will need to take the biblical route of bringing someone else with her to confront the husband’s addiction (preferably a male pastor/mentor). If repentance still doesn’t occur – there may have to be consequences with the aim of restoring the husband to his right relationship with God and with his wife. But there are times – when things are not as severe – that I believe a husband will change BECAUSE his wife believes in him, hopes in him, puts her trust in him… That will have to be something each wife will have to pray about and ask God’s guidance for in her particular situation. I don’t believe a wife should condone sin or cooperate with sin or tolerate sin. But when our husbands sin against us – we are most tempted to sin, too. And what I would rather see is a wife humbly walk beside her husband – functioning as a teammate to inspire him to find God’s freedom from his addiction. There is no standard mold here, that I am aware of – no specific rules that always apply. But I know the power of a wife’s faith, trust, respect and admiration. And I know that many times, with God’s power, a wife can apply these resources God has given her to the GOOD that is in her husband, and the good will grow. I have seen the way that husbands change when they know their wife has total faith in them. When they feel the whole weight of decisions on their shoulders – they are very likely to change because they don’t want to disappoint their wives. I believe most men will stretch and grow and seek God to try to become more godly men and husbands when they see their wife’s trust. This is not a guarantee. A husband may continue to mess up. He may take his wife down with him. And sometimes, in those lowest moments, is where the most learning and growing happens. I have to be willing to trust my husband even if he fails. Ultimately, I trust God to work through even my husband’s sin and failure for my good and God’s glory. His failure is not the worst thing that could happen. I may have to give consequences. But my goal has to be obedience to Christ and trust and faith in my sovereign Lord. If my goal is that my husband must be sinless – I have a huge idol. If my goal is that we can’t go through bankruptcy – I may be making money more important to me than my marriage or my Lord. With substance addictions and even pornography (which acts just like an illicit drug in the brain) – those can be life long struggles. Once someone is addicted to something, they will always be addicted and it will always be a temptation when things are stressful or not going well. But I believe God can use a godly wife as a partner to inspire her husband to overcome these things. How that plays out will look different in each situation. We serve a VERY powerful God of miracles. Nothing is impossible with Him! And He does miracles in proportion to our faith.

    2. PS
      David,
      I do not believe a wife should enable the addiction. I believe she must stand firmly against sin. But at the same time – like Christ – welcome her husband and be prepared to offer lavish grace, forgiveness and mercy. She may need to ask him to take certain steps to restore trust. And she can applaud him as he successfully conquers each step. But if she chooses to look on him with contempt and to withhold forgiveness – the marriage is doomed.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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