What can you do if you realize you feel attracted to another man? Or what if another guy is attracted to you?
None of us are immune to this temptation. All of us must guard our hearts diligently.
Here are some tips I have learned. Feel free to share any wisdom you have learned, as well!
Drop All Contact with the Other Guy, If Possible
You don’t necessarily have to explain anything to him. He doesn’t have to know why you are dropping contact. If you tell him you are attracted to him, you may make the problem infinitely worse. It’s okay just to unfriend him and stop talking. Or you can simply say, “I’m not going to be able to talk anymore.”
Be more concerned about your husband’s feelings, pleasing God, and protecting your marriage covenant than another man’s feelings. Delete your social media if you have to. Block his number if needed. Do what it takes to get rid of the temptation. Even if it seems extreme. It’s not!
If you must be around him, minimize communication and interactions as much as possible. Cut out all positive emotion and attention toward him that could feed the attraction on either side. Don’t play with fire.
- Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Cor. 6:18
Get the Issue in the Open with Someone You Trust
Tell your husband, a godly wife mentor, an accountability partner, or a trusted female counselor about the temptation. Don’t hide it. Secrets and darkness are a great breeding ground for sin. With your husband, all you may need to say is, “I think this guy could be a temptation for me. I think I need to try to cut him out of my life.” If things have already progressed and you need more resources, please send a message to me on my Contact Page on my blog.
Set Up Strong Boundaries in Your Life
Set up strong personal boundaries around your heart if you can’t stop contact completely. Don’t allow yourself to be in a car, a room, a building, or online alone with him.
Tell him not to flirt with you and mean it with your body language. Be all business and serious if you must speak to him.
Copy your husband or include your husband in any communication with him. And only communicate the bare minimum of what is absolutely necessary.
If he continues to flirt or pursue you, involve your husband, your boss (if it is happening at work), church leaders (if it is happening at church), or the police (if he is harassing you and won’t stop when you ask him to).
Don’t Flirt at All or Smile a Lot at the Other Guy
If you must talk with him, be completely professional and emotionally detached. Keep him at arm’s length or farther. If you have to say anything about your marriage, say glowing things about your husband.
Be careful not to dress or act in a provocative way around him. Avoid going to extra lengths to try to impress him with your hair or makeup. Don’t do anything special with your appearance for him.
It is NOT rude to brush off another man who could be a temptation to you or if you know you are a temptation to him. What’s rude is giving too much attention to a man who is not your husband. That is rude to your marriage. This is how you protect your marriage and your heart. Scripture says we are to guard our hearts above all else because it is the wellspring of life.
Stay Away from His Social Media
Don’t give yourself permission to research his life and don’t get on his social media pages. That just feeds the fantasies you are trying to starve. Nothing good will come from spending time thinking about another guy who is not available to you.
Don’t Let Him Confide in You or Be Your Friend
Don’t try to be his mentor or close friend. Don’t let him complain about his wife and marriage to you. If he needs marriage counseling or help, he needs to go to a godly man, not to you. Or he needs to talk with you only if your husband is involved and approves and is there with you.
If you know he has feelings for you, you also may not be the one to share the gospel and to disciple him. Send him to resources online or refer him to a godly man who can connect with him. If he really wants Jesus, he will be willing to talk with a man about Him.
Avoid Private Conversations or Contact
Don’t have private conversations with him in person, on the phone, on video chat, or by email or text. It can evoke righteous jealousy in a husband. It has the appearance of evil. Better to only talk with other guys in public and to keep a certain amount of space and not get overly friendly.
Don’t Confide in Him
Don’t confide in him about your feelings, thoughts, marriage, or spiritual things. This just causes you to bond emotionally with him instead of with your husband. If you need to talk with someone for godly wisdom and advice, go to a godly wife mentor or godly girlfriend or female counselor you trust who will honor God’s Word and hold you accountable to honor your marriage.
Stop Yourself from Daydreaming About Him
Immediately switch your thoughts from him to your husband or to God when you feel tempted. Don’t allow yourself to luxuriate in daydreams and fantasies about someone else.
Imagine the Consequences of an Emotional or Physical Affair
Think about the consequences if you were to go forward with an emotional affair or physical affair and the devastation that would happen in your life. Let your imagination run wild in this area. Think about how an affair would impact your marriage, your children, your friends, church, work, and your witness for God.
Consider how much it would grieve God’s heart and how awkward things would be afterward. Imagine the shame and scandal and the hurt in your husband’s eyes and children’s eyes and the way they would look at you as unfaithful. Picture his children and his wife and how terrible it would be to have to look them in the eye if you helped him betray them. It is SO NOT WORTH IT!
Invest in Your Marriage
Focus on your husband’s strengths and good points. Start a list of all the wonderful things he has done for you. Write down some of your favorite memories with him. Be tuned into his needs. Invite God to help you grow as a wife and to help you better understand and bless your husband.
Pray for your husband. Smile at him often. Do sweet things for him. Appreciate all the things he does for you. Enjoy him.
What Does the Bible Say About Adultery?
- Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4
- “You shall not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:14
- “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matt. 5:27-28
- And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matt. 19:9
What If You Already Messed Up?
The good news is, you can fall on your knees before Jesus today and repent. You can tell Him you have sinned against Him and your husband and marriage covenant. Whether it is a full-blown affair, an emotional affair, or just an infatuation.
- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
- Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, Acts 3:19
- Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. Matt. 3:8
Lay it in front of Jesus. Tell Him you were wrong. Ask for His forgiveness if you belong to Him. If you don’t know Him as your Savior and Lord, decide to receive His gift of salvation today and set Him firmly on the throne as the Lord of everything in your life from this moment on. Seek to please Him and love and know Him more than anything or anyone in the world. Go His direction now, not your own.
Receive His incredible love for you and the healing He has for you. No, you don’t deserve His mercy and grace. You don’t deserve His love. But He is love. And He wants to receive You to Himself as part of His beloved Bride, the Church. He wants to restore you to right relationship with God today.
He already took all of the anger of God against your sin on Himself on the cross. He already paid your sin debt. Receive the new nature He has prepared for you and let Him help you crucify your old sinful nature with Him on the cross so you can live by the power of His Spirit and not be a slave to sin anymore.
Let Him give you a new life just like the woman who was caught in adultery in the New Testament. He didn’t throw a stone at her in judgment. He spared her life and then told her to go and sin no more.
See at the bottom for the plan of salvation.
If you have general wisdom you have learned on this critical, marriage-saving topic, please feel free to share.
Do you need prayer or encouragement? Let us know! <3
Baby Steps to Take Your Thoughts Captive for Christ
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How to Have a Saving Relationship with Christ
A = Admit you are a sinner and you can’t be perfect and holy enough in God’s eyes to be right with Him on your own. Turn away from your sin.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Rom. 3:23
B = Believe that Jesus (God in the flesh) died on your behalf to pay the price for your sin and to give you a way to be right with God – to be forgiven. He lived the perfect life you couldn’t live. He died the death you deserve and rose from the dead in victory over sin, death, and the grave on your behalf!
“The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus, our Lord.” Rom. 6:23
C = Confess that Jesus is your Lord – this means, Jesus is now your Master and you live your life for Him and His glory rather than for yourself. You say it out loud to others and you live it from now on. You lay down your will and your desires and follow Him, inviting Him to direct and use your life for His will.
“If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with your heart you believe and are justified, and with your mouth you confess and are saved.” Rom. 10:9-10
As a husband I cannot thank you enough for this post, April. It is so spot on.
All I can add is that every husband should read and apply your counsel to their lives as well.
Thank you for your comment. Yes, both spouses need to carefully guard their hearts and marriages. This would prevent so much heartache and pain.
Thanks for this post.
I’ve seen many people focus more on being polite and respectful about others’ feelings than on protecting their marriages from adultery. A lot of people think it would be too rude to cut off contact with someone without an explanation. However, a firm no-nonsense approach is the best approach when someone is trying to tempt you into sin. I’ve seen the impact adultery can have on a family and it is no joke. It’s one of the worst things you can do to your spouse and children and also to yourself and the person you cheated with. We need to stand firm against it.
I did that early in our marriage, trying to be careful not to hurt other guys’ feelings. That didn’t work well. Now I understand my husband’s feelings and, most importantly, my marriage and honoring the Lord, is much more important.
Yes, I agree, a firm, no-nonsense approach shows we are serious about protecting our marriages.
I’m so sorry you have experienced the pain involved when someone commits adultery. I wish no spouse or family member ever had to go through that.
Thank you for sharing, dear sister.
Sin is such deceitful troublesome stuff and it hardens us . I was thinking this morning about David and how the bible in one place talks about how satan stood up against Israel and in another place it shows what that means, namely that David was tempted to number the fighting men against God’s command. HIs chief officer found that odious because he knew it was wrong but David insisted and so he carried out the order. I had read something about this where the author talked about how, when we have come under a satanic delusion, that we will not listen to anyone no matter how sound their counsel is or how much we respect them.
So it is with adultery or other wrong relationships that lead to sin. Once you enter in, you are under a delusion, and you can no longer see things as they are. We often think in the early stages that we are are still in control, just a little taste of the icing just once won’t hurt, and we are not in trouble – but already we are being ushered along the path that leads to destruction. Folks often think that getting married to their adultery partner fixes it or makes it right but all it really does is cement us into that delusion.
Personally for me, fatherlessness, the hunger and need for affirmation and identity, and that rather intoxicating and alluring mix of sexual chemistry and attraction make me very vulnerable to male attention. A man is never more attractive than when he seems to be in love with us and to see something special or wonderful in us and is telling us how beautiful, talented, worthy and worth committing to and protecting we are. If satan’s traps were clearly marked for what they are none of us would fall into them. The bait has to be very attractive to get us to do something that is despicable, gross, selfish and cruel like betray our vows, turn against God and destroy our children’s lives so we can have that thing we think is going to make us so happy. And in the end does it ever really? ( God said to David regarding his adultery with Bathsheba and murder of her husband, ” You have despised ME” )
I personally experienced doing something like this and I wound up seeming to get everything i had ever wanted. I didn’t have an affair while with my husband but i left him and immediately got involved with someone else believing I could marry someone else; I hated my husband. I had some valid reasons to want out of that marriage. But I didn’t have a clue about covenants or marriage. So I was the wife who became wayward and who drew another into a wrong relationship. My ignorance of what the bible actually teaches as opposed to what the seriously compromised visible church teaches, made this seem fine. In fact my then pastor who unbeknownst to me was committing adultery himself, basically patted me on the head, said some things about grace, sidestepped my questions about what the bible actually says, and commended me on my way to hell in a handbasket.
Sin always justifies more sin right? Not much difference really, just looked more respectable. But how do you ever enjoy your happiness knowing that the foundation you built it on was the ruination of the lives of other innocent people who trusted you? How do you go on and tell yourself popular wisdom lines like ‘ Well yes its true my actions harmed my children but they are adults now and on their own” as if its all water under the bridge that frees you to carry on with your own pursuits? Something in our hearts always tells us that real repentance involves making restitution and rebuilding ruined relationships wherever possible, not continuing on in the selfishness that brought this whole thing about in the first place. Ironically and sadly, the fact that I was from a home where my parents were both adulterers and there were other forms of rampant sin in the marriage and famiies, made throwing away a family seem like no big deal. My dad remarried twice and each time his own children were what got thrown away or pushed aside. So when we sin this way we erode God’s boundaries and barriers and make it even easier for our kids to do it.
God told Abimelech that he was a dead man because the woman he had was married. Proverbs speaks of the adulteress as being at first as sweet as honey but then bitter as wormwood and that her steps lead to hell and the dead are there. Although in this instance it seems as if a woman who does this whenever it suits her is being depicted, in truth when we enter into a wrong relationship we are seducing each other away from truth and righteousness an so are just as guilty. Pretty scary and no doubt it applies to the male adulterer just as well. The bible speaks harshly of those who corrupt families. Once the tally is in as to the damage wreaked to one’s family, its only then that we realize how our actions affect not only us but subsequent generations. I think it was Win Worley who said ” I hope you enjoyed your sin. You cursed you children, your grandchildren, etc”. I don’t know his teachings but its quite a truthful statement that we cannot sin without harmful consequences.
It is very deceitful and yes, as we move along in sin, it hardens our hearts and deceives us. It makes it so much harder to hear God’s voice and infinitely easier to hear the enemy’s voice.
Yes, Satan is very good at using alluring bait, isn’t he? He knows us well. And so many times people throughout the ages have fallen for the same traps over and over. He doesn’t even have to change his strategy.
What a tragedy that you asked your pastor for guidance and he misled you into sin. Wow. 🙁
I am so very sad you didn’t have a godly example as a child. I can’t imagine how much more difficult that made things for you and the wounds and scars from that.
Praying for God’s continued healing for you, dear sister.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom.
Great article, and great tips. I especially like the part about getting it out in the open. Satan plays around in the dark, if you bring the truth to the light it definitely makes things easier.
Yes! It feels scary to do this, but if we get it exposed, the temptation can lose a lot of its power over us as we have a mentor or someone there to help keep us accountable and to pray with us and help us see how serious the issue is. It will help us stay far away from the edge of the cliff.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Hello April, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this post.
In our current culture, sadly many people have the ” Anything goes ” approach towards marriage. I sincerely believe that Boundaries is something that every couple should discuss to the fullest before, after and during marriage. Conversations about how far things can go with anyone of the opposite sex, what should be absolute “no no’s” and defining clear lines are just as important as any conversation that can take place in a union. The enemy never shows up in a straightforward, in your face, bold, hard and fast way. It is always a soft, subtle, well calculated, a little here- little there, its not that bad, don’t be too serious and yet a relentlessly steady approach. There is always a disguise that makes you think “It can’t mean anything “. Ultimately, we see God’s physical representation of his relationship with his church here on earth through marriage crumbling.
It used to be that being friends with other christian couples automatically meant that you were immune from sexual temptation and the risk of having to deal with such things. Well, this is absolutely not the case. I have seen so many Christians excuse this area of marriage and completely dilute/minimize the consequences of their actions or lack thereof. I have known of married Christians who justify their actions because after all their marriage is going through a difficult season and “this person” knows exactly how they feel. I had to end a friendship because of progressive sexual comments towards and to the hearing of my spouse by someone who is meant to be a married christian woman. This experience clearly showed that not everyone guards their marriage the same and I respect that. Maybe i am uptight but I have chosen not to leave anything to chance.
I would like to repeat what we all probably know and that is……men and women are different. I say this because I have noticed that there are so many things that are obvious to us women that our well meaning husbands do not see. Sometimes, it is so clear and we think there is no way that anyone can miss it and everyone can see it and truly they do not see it. This can be the same for a woman too and her husband sees it and she doesn’t. It is our place to explain where we are coming from for them to understand. It is sad that spouses sometimes hold back how they feel in this area especially because they are scared/proud that they will be called paranoid, controlling, jealous, insecure and maybe not trusting. So that spouse says nothing but the issue is- that silence soon turns into resentment, then anger, then bitterness and a very strained relationship. And all the while, it maybe that the other person has no idea or the understanding that what they are doing (knowingly or unknowingly) is hurting you and your marriage. I think if you care about your marriage, then you should have a conversation with your spouse. Well meaning women and men have lost everything from something that started out as friendly and harmless. What a blessing if your spouse is open, understanding, welcoming of such conversations and is willing to make adjustments.
This is generally a hard conversation to have and it is often met with defensiveness~man or woman. It is not uncommon to express anger especially when something is so obvious to you and it is not to your wife or your husband. This post highlights the need to really include God in every aspect of our lives. That we ought to be praying for the holy spirit to give us discernment/wisdom, to help us choose who we call friends, to give us the boldness to FLEE from anything that can be construed as inappropriate even at the slightest, to bring us to a place of transparency and openness in our marriages. This post reminds me of Pastor Bob & Aubrey Meisner. You can watch their story here and I think every married woman and man should watch this.
Part 1~ Love Married Life
Part 2~ Love Married Life
I couldn’t appreciate this post more. it is very relevant even today. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing these insights. I appreciate it!
May we all seek God’s wisdom and seek to honor the Lord, our husbands, and our marriages, even if the rest of the world doesn’t.
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