What can you do if you realize you feel attracted to another man? Or what if another guy is attracted to you?
None of us are immune to this temptation. All of us must guard our hearts diligently.
Here are some tips I have learned. Feel free to share any wisdom you have learned, as well!
Drop All Contact with the Other Guy, If Possible
You don’t necessarily have to explain anything to him. He doesn’t have to know why you are dropping contact. If you tell him you are attracted to him, you may make the problem infinitely worse. It’s okay just to unfriend him and stop talking. Or you can simply say, “I’m not going to be able to talk anymore.”
Be more concerned about your husband’s feelings, pleasing God, and protecting your marriage covenant than another man’s feelings. Delete your social media if you have to. Block his number if needed. Do what it takes to get rid of the temptation. Even if it seems extreme. It’s not!
If you must be around him, minimize communication and interactions as much as possible. Cut out all positive emotion and attention toward him that could feed the attraction on either side. Don’t play with fire.
- Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Cor. 6:18
Get the Issue in the Open with Someone You Trust
Tell your husband, a godly wife mentor, an accountability partner, or a trusted female counselor about the temptation. Don’t hide it. Secrets and darkness are a great breeding ground for sin. With your husband, all you may need to say is, “I think this guy could be a temptation for me. I think I need to try to cut him out of my life.” If things have already progressed and you need more resources, please send a message to me on my Contact Page on my blog.
Set Up Strong Boundaries in Your Life
Set up strong personal boundaries around your heart if you can’t stop contact completely. Don’t allow yourself to be in a car, a room, a building, or online alone with him.
Tell him not to flirt with you and mean it with your body language. Be all business and serious if you must speak to him.
Copy your husband or include your husband in any communication with him. And only communicate the bare minimum of what is absolutely necessary.
If he continues to flirt or pursue you, involve your husband, your boss (if it is happening at work), church leaders (if it is happening at church), or the police (if he is harassing you and won’t stop when you ask him to).
Don’t Flirt at All or Smile a Lot at the Other Guy
If you must talk with him, be completely professional and emotionally detached. Keep him at arm’s length or farther. If you have to say anything about your marriage, say glowing things about your husband.
Be careful not to dress or act in a provocative way around him. Avoid going to extra lengths to try to impress him with your hair or makeup. Don’t do anything special with your appearance for him.
It is NOT rude to brush off another man who could be a temptation to you or if you know you are a temptation to him. What’s rude is giving too much attention to a man who is not your husband. That is rude to your marriage. This is how you protect your marriage and your heart. Scripture says we are to guard our hearts above all else because it is the wellspring of life.
Stay Away from His Social Media
Don’t give yourself permission to research his life and don’t get on his social media pages. That just feeds the fantasies you are trying to starve. Nothing good will come from spending time thinking about another guy who is not available to you.
Don’t Let Him Confide in You or Be Your Friend
Don’t try to be his mentor or close friend. Don’t let him complain about his wife and marriage to you. If he needs marriage counseling or help, he needs to go to a godly man, not to you. Or he needs to talk with you only if your husband is involved and approves and is there with you.
If you know he has feelings for you, you also may not be the one to share the gospel and to disciple him. Send him to resources online or refer him to a godly man who can connect with him. If he really wants Jesus, he will be willing to talk with a man about Him.
Avoid Private Conversations or Contact
Don’t have private conversations with him in person, on the phone, on video chat, or by email or text. It can evoke righteous jealousy in a husband. It has the appearance of evil. Better to only talk with other guys in public and to keep a certain amount of space and not get overly friendly.
Don’t Confide in Him
Don’t confide in him about your feelings, thoughts, marriage, or spiritual things. This just causes you to bond emotionally with him instead of with your husband. If you need to talk with someone for godly wisdom and advice, go to a godly wife mentor or godly girlfriend or female counselor you trust who will honor God’s Word and hold you accountable to honor your marriage.
Stop Yourself from Daydreaming About Him
Immediately switch your thoughts from him to your husband or to God when you feel tempted. Don’t allow yourself to luxuriate in daydreams and fantasies about someone else.
Imagine the Consequences of an Emotional or Physical Affair
Think about the consequences if you were to go forward with an emotional affair or physical affair and the devastation that would happen in your life. Let your imagination run wild in this area. Think about how an affair would impact your marriage, your children, your friends, church, work, and your witness for God.
Consider how much it would grieve God’s heart and how awkward things would be afterward. Imagine the shame and scandal and the hurt in your husband’s eyes and children’s eyes and the way they would look at you as unfaithful. Picture his children and his wife and how terrible it would be to have to look them in the eye if you helped him betray them. It is SO NOT WORTH IT!
Invest in Your Marriage
Focus on your husband’s strengths and good points. Start a list of all the wonderful things he has done for you. Write down some of your favorite memories with him. Be tuned into his needs. Invite God to help you grow as a wife and to help you better understand and bless your husband.
Pray for your husband. Smile at him often. Do sweet things for him. Appreciate all the things he does for you. Enjoy him.
What Does the Bible Say About Adultery?
- Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4
- “You shall not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:14
- “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matt. 5:27-28
- And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matt. 19:9
What If You Already Messed Up?
The good news is, you can fall on your knees before Jesus today and repent. You can tell Him you have sinned against Him and your husband and marriage covenant. Whether it is a full-blown affair, an emotional affair, or just an infatuation.
- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
- Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, Acts 3:19
- Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. Matt. 3:8
Lay it in front of Jesus. Tell Him you were wrong. Ask for His forgiveness if you belong to Him. If you don’t know Him as your Savior and Lord, decide to receive His gift of salvation today and set Him firmly on the throne as the Lord of everything in your life from this moment on. Seek to please Him and love and know Him more than anything or anyone in the world. Go His direction now, not your own.
Receive His incredible love for you and the healing He has for you. No, you don’t deserve His mercy and grace. You don’t deserve His love. But He is love. And He wants to receive You to Himself as part of His beloved Bride, the Church. He wants to restore you to right relationship with God today.
He already took all of the anger of God against your sin on Himself on the cross. He already paid your sin debt. Receive the new nature He has prepared for you and let Him help you crucify your old sinful nature with Him on the cross so you can live by the power of His Spirit and not be a slave to sin anymore.
Let Him give you a new life just like the woman who was caught in adultery in the New Testament. He didn’t throw a stone at her in judgment. He spared her life and then told her to go and sin no more.
See at the bottom for the plan of salvation.
If you have general wisdom you have learned on this critical, marriage-saving topic, please feel free to share.
Do you need prayer or encouragement? Let us know! <3
How to Have a Saving Relationship with Christ
A = Admit you are a sinner and you can’t be perfect and holy enough in God’s eyes to be right with Him on your own. Turn away from your sin.
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Rom. 3:23
B = Believe that Jesus (God in the flesh) died on your behalf to pay the price for your sin and to give you a way to be right with God – to be forgiven. He lived the perfect life you couldn’t live. He died the death you deserve and rose from the dead in victory over sin, death, and the grave on your behalf!
“The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus, our Lord.” Rom. 6:23
C = Confess that Jesus is your Lord – this means, Jesus is now your Master and you live your life for Him and His glory rather than for yourself. You say it out loud to others and you live it from now on. You lay down your will and your desires and follow Him, inviting Him to direct and use your life for His will.
“If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with your heart you believe and are justified, and with your mouth you confess and are saved.” Rom. 10:9-10