7 Replies to “4 Approaches When You Think Your Husband Doesn’t Care”

  1. April,

    I don’t know if this will help anymore than my update recently, but I just wanted to share that after years now of learning about all the things you have taught, I see more clearly now than ever that it is impossible to change anyone but yourself, and even that task alone is nearly impossible! So many marriages are in turmoil and I know now that no matter what I change, what I do differently, how much I pray, etc ——- there is absolutely NO guarantee that my husband will treat me better, love me more, or be any different than he has always been.

    Looking back now, more than any other issue, my husband’s aloofness and anger and all the things I faced with him over these years had more to do with his job stress than anything I ever said or did wrong. It didn’t matter how happy and content I was, how joyful in his presence, how kind, how loving, how much I gave him space ——- he was still unhappy, easily irritated, critical, angry, and all together aloof towards me, my feelings, and our marriage.

    And then I noticed a pattern emerge over the past few years. Any time he got laid off from work, even if only for a week —— once the source of his true anguish and stress was removed (his job)—- he was the sweet, mostly kind and loving man I believed I was marrying!

    Now, I firmly believe that stress does something to my husband that turns him into everything I find hard to deal with and be around. But at least I understand now where it comes from. It’s not me, it never was me. It was all the stress he deals with from work!!!!

    So this is also how I found my own healing and freedom to be myself again. I had tried in the beginning really hard to be the perfect quiet loving respectful content happy wife, giving him space and focusing on the Lord. But his harshness never abated until he was laid off from work and out of the stress! Once he was home again, he would realize how harsh he was being and apologize and we would have months/weeks of bliss depending on how long he was out of work.

    Once the work started up again, he would get stressed and turn back into the easily irritated man.

    So now that I have a better understanding of what was really going on, it is much easier to be around and tolerate his unlovingness when it happens. If anything, I’ve learned to speak up for myself in those times and point out that I had done nothing wrong or worthy of his condemnation and that he was taking his stress out on me when it wasn’t my fault and he would usually see it and we would move on quickly.

    But if someone tried to tell me this 3 years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed them. I was so stuck in blaming myself for our issues and how he treated me that I wouldn’t have been able to see. But here I am now, and it is much more clear!

    I hope that helps someone 🙂

    Amanda

    1. Amanda,

      This is super helpful! In fact, I would love to run it as a post, if you believe the Lord would lead you to do that. Maybe entitled, “Sometimes, It Isn’t about You”?

      Thank you so much. I’m very grateful that God has shown you the issues going on and I love what the Lord has done in your life.

      Much love!

      1. Yes yes yes! This absolutely needs to be a post ladies-thank you for caring enough to think of wives in this very situation (like me). What a blessing to think that altering a perspective, thanks to the Holy Spirits work and healing in your own heart and life, can change the course and healing in someone else’s life-and offer such encouragement in this weary journey. Blessings to you both!

        1. KIMVD,
          I’m so glad this was a blessing to you. Isn’t it awesome that we have the ability to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit and the abundant spiritual life and gifts Jesus has for us no matter what our husbands may be doing or not doing? Isn’t it amazing that as God pours His healing into us, He can then use us as an instrument of blessing and of the Gospel in our husband’s life. Not by our wisdom or our many words, but by the power of the Spirit living and breathing in and through us.

          Praying for great encouragement and healing for you and your husband today, precious sister.

          Much love!

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