Reminder – My first book, The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord, is available if you are interested. Everything you need for the first few steps of this journey to become the wife God calls you to be is organized and together and I pray the book may be a blessing to your walk with Christ and your marriage. If you have already read the book, please take a minute or two to share an honest review on Amazon. Thanks so much!
From a sister in Christ:
I am relatively new to this blog, but have become a faithful reader, and I wanted to add something to your list of what NOT to do when you feel forgotten by your husband. It is something that I did and it literally lost me several years of my marriage, even though on the surface it seemed like a reasonable, even right thing to do.
A few years ago I started questioning my awkward marriage and came to the conclusion that since my husband was not a godly man, and riddled with faults, and I wasn’t getting what I thought I would/should in a relationship, that I had made a mistake in marrying him. So instead of doing any of the things you listed, I adopted a long-suffering, “I made my bed and now I have to lie in it” attitude. I couldn’t bring myself to “chase” someone who clearly preferred the TV over me, so…
I just emotionally walked away from the relationship.
Instead of asking for what I wanted, I became my own person and completely stopped communicating. I was still there physically, cooking and washing his socks, etc., but I very determinedly asked nothing from him anymore, not conversation, advice, support, or even love. I even got a job so he wouldn’t have to pay for my groceries or anything. If I was sick I wouldn’t ask for help, and if something needed to be done that I physically couldn’t do, I would pay someone else to do it rather than “bother” him about it.
Looking back, I realize it was so stupid and prideful of me to live this way, and it left my husband wondering what the heck he was even doing here (something I wondered as well). But I couldn’t stand the thought of needing him and being rejected, (it was more than just TV watching and not just once) so I stopped needing him altogether.
Finally, I stumbled across your blog and I remember just crying and crying as I realized how wrong I was and how disrespectful and distrustful I had been. God gave me this man for a reason, and I was just throwing it away. Since then I have been more respectful, understanding of his masculinity and how he relates (it’s not necessarily a rejection!), and open (although I still don’t talk a whole lot, I don’t think it’s in my nature).
My husband’s relief and delight in this change is practically palpable.
It turns out he actually wants me to need him and desire him. Just by showing him respect in asking him for things, he is a changed man, and I am so thankful for your blog and your writing, and to God for showing me what I was missing by not being vulnerable.
I will never be a fit-thrower, but it is just as damaging to ignore your own needs and desire for attention from your husband. You CAN turn these needs off and shut them down, which might be a relief for both of you in the short term, but it kills the relationship and really makes it kind of pointless.
I think this is kind of dangerous ground too, because it can feel so “right” somehow. After all, what could be more noble than being low-maintenance? I actually thought I was being a very good wife most of the time. I never complained, never drew attention to myself, and never needed anything.
But what I actually was without realizing it, was just a good housekeeper. My husband didn’t have a wife, he didn’t even have a roommate. He just had a person who shared his house and his bed. I made it impossible for him to “know” me as he is told to do in the Bible. It wasn’t a marriage, it was two people living independently in the same house.
And yet I congratulated myself on “not being needy” and never bothering my husband. It felt right most times. But I didn’t know what I was missing, and that I was robbing my husband of his wife as well as the opportunity to be a living witness of God’s grace to this man. It is a very self-righteous, and dangerous way to live, and a high price to pay for pride.
I think that some women may think, “I am dying to self,” by adopting this perspective that the author shares here. But this approach leads to division and hurt not healing and the Life, love, and unity of Christ in our marriages. It is not the kind of dying to self that we do in the power of Christ – it is more of a “power of the flesh” kind of thing, it seems to me. Here are some posts on similar topics for those who may want to research this mindset a bit more and how destructive it can be..
Cinderella and the Gospel by Radiant
Also, let’s keep in mind there are times when God calls us to wait, be still, and pray. And there are times when He prompts us to speak. Let’s be listening carefully to His voice of wisdom and discernment in our particular situations.
Revive Our Hearts Ministries hosted a massive worldwide prayer event for women last Friday night called “Cry Out!” If you are deeply burdened for your country and want to join with tens of thousands of women from around the world to pray for revival, please check out this link and watch the video that was live streamed on Friday.