Skip to main content
1167176_54598022

Not a "Successful Marriage Story"… Yet

1167176_54598022

 

Check out my 35 minute interview from last Tuesday with Charlie and Keith at KLFC Radio in Branson, Missouri!

————

A guest post:

This is my first time posting but I have followed your blog and been on the respectful wife journey now for about 3 years of my almost 7 year marriage. My husband is a “command man” and has quite a dominant personality he is always “right” and has little tolerance for people doing things that don’t make sense or are wrong to him.

I have struggled a lot to not shut down and become a doormat to avoid conflict and protect myself.

Over the years I have learned to “read” him a bit better.

  • I try to hear his underlying problem rather than just get defensive at the way he talks to me when he has an issue.
  • I try and apologise quickly for my fault and then drop the matter.
  • This (past) time I didn’t take his attack personally, I kept calm and said my piece quietly but stood my ground.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and I was feeling like I had learned and changed so much that I was nearly at the end of needing to read this blog and working on our marriage as I thought I was turning into a pretty agreeable wife (not saying that things were perfect or that I didn’t still struggle with sin still, but I had put in so much work into being respectful). We were having a conversation and I said something about how I had changed in our marriage, he knew I read your blog but we never really had conversations about what I was learning.

He said to me, “What do you mean changed?”

It came out that he hadn’t even noticed how hard I had tried over the last couple of years, he had seen no change in me from when we were first married.

I must admit I was gobsmacked and it was totally disheartening.

Up until a week ago I was just numb and devastated about our marriage, and wanted to give up and just shut him out. During this time I have refined my motives, I am now doing this out of obedience to God, my relationship with Him has grown so much since that moment. Without that time I would have continued in my own strength trying to make a good marriage.

God didn’t let me take any short cuts.

While I was being outwardly respectful to my husband in my mind I would be thinking, “You are so mean,” and call him names silently. There was so much hidden sin and filth in my heart that had to go. I have pretty much 0% chance of things improving for me. If he hasn’t noticed a change in me then I can’t hope that he will respond in turn. I am okay with that now, I can’t be responsible for his poor reactions to situations, I was enmeshed with him and overly sensitive to his moods. I have now accepted him for who he is.

However, now instead of just feeling sorry for myself and keeping my hurt hidden I have committed to respectfully saying, “That was hurtful,” and then moving on. I am excited about my new relationship with Christ and that is my primary focus now. Being a wife is only part of who I am and whilst I will continue on my journey it will be with a different heart. It’s not a successful marriage story, but praise God for he has been faithful to me.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

This wife may feel that hers is not a “successful marriage story” – but it already is a “successful discipleship story!” That is the most important thing! She saw that her motives and attitudes were still not right and needed to be refined. God often uses our spouses (and others) to be the “sandpaper” that helps to refine us and smooth us to be more and more the women He calls us to be. She is open to allowing God to use these difficult times and trials to mold her more into the image of Christ and to refine and mature her faith.

If we have struggles and we have times of pain, but God uses it for our growth and His ultimate glory – and He uses it to draw us much closer to Himself, that is success in His sight!

My prayer is that we might each be able to see that anything that draws us closer to Him, refines, and purifies us IS something that is accomplishing God’s good purposes in us! Let’s also pray for each hurting person here… that God might heal each spouse individually and then bring healing to each marriage for His glory!

QUOTE FROM ANDREW MURRAY’S BOOK, HUMILITY (chapter 11):

Every Christian virtually passes through these two stages in his pursuit of humility. In the first he fears and flees and seeks deliverance from all that can humble him. He has not yet learnt to seek humility at any cost. He has accepted the command to be humble, and seeks to obey it, though only to find how utterly he fails. He prays for humility, at times very earnestly; but in his secret heart he prays more, if not in word, then in wish, to be kept from the very things that will make him humble. He is not yet so in love with humility as the beauty of the Lamb of God, and the joy of heaven, that he would sell all to procure it. In his pursuit of it, and his prayer for it, there is still somewhat of a sense of burden and of bondage; to humble himself has not yet become the spontaneous expression of a life and a nature that is essentially humble. It has not yet become his joy and only pleasure. He cannot yet say, “Most gladly do I glory in weakness, I take pleasure in whatever humbles me.”

But can we hope to reach the stage in which this will be the case? Undoubtedly. And what will it be that brings us there? That which brought Paul there – a new revelation of the Lord Jesus. Nothing but the presence of God can reveal and expel self. A clearer insight was to be given to Paul into the deep truth that the presence of Jesus will banish every desire to seek anything in ourselves, and will make us delight in every humiliation that prepares us for His fuller manifestation. Our humiliations lead us, in the experience of the presence and power of Jesus, to choose humility as our highest blessing.

 

RELATED:

Why Do I Want to Change? – Peaceful Wife VIDEO (Youtube channel, April Cassidy)

Posts about Conflict

Posts about Being Enmeshed

Link to free download of Andrew Murray’s book Humility

Resource for emotionally abusive relationships www.leslievernick.com

Passive Aggressive Husband? – by Nina Roesner (author of The Respect Dare)

81 thoughts on “Not a "Successful Marriage Story"… Yet

  1. I really appreciate this wife’s story. Thank you for sharing it. Some of the stories I’ve known or have read about that have blessed me the most are not the ones considered “successful marriages”, but godly Christian wives walking in humility and in God’s steady confidence and strength with husbands who have some big challenges to their personalities. I love this author’s heart and example.

    1. J,

      I want to be sure we share stories that aren’t all “tied up with a pretty bow” and that we talk about wives going through the difficult things in the midst of them and they are trusting God and listening and seeking Him first – even when they don’t know what the outcome will be. That is where we all start! We don’t know what will happen. But we can decide to obey God ourselves and to allow Him to transform and heal us. 🙂

      Glad this was a blessing!

  2. I appreciate this story. Relationships are not easy, and change does not always mean Happily Ever After. And GOD should come first. But, as a husband, I wonder why he said he sees no change? Was it just petty meanness, continued hurt from the past, perhaps he is dense, is he right, or something else? Has she asked? Stories like this, I wish I could get both perspectives.

    1. J2,

      That is a great question. It would be very helpful to have both sides of the story. I do think this dear wife gives us a hint, though, when she talks about her unspoken attitude.

      I know that I started out by changing externally first, too. I thought I could just be more respectful. But Greg was able to see that I didn’t genuinely respect him. God had to take me to the place where I learned to truly see the good things in Greg and where He refined the motives of my heart.

      Husbands have a way of seeing through superficial changes and being skeptical of them.

      It would be very helpful to have both sides of the story, I agree.

  3. Please allow a man’s perspective. Again.
    My wife is sickened by my comment of disrespect. (I’m not trying to get respect just trying to get rid of dis-respect for now)
    Example:no trust in how I treat the kids and my autistic 21 year old son. no trust in my refusing to go check out a used car for my 19 year old son since he did get his new car repossessed last September, no trust in the cleaned garage that she just happened to come out to the garage as I was finishing up and HAD TO move a few things around as if her finishing touch was SO, SO needed. Won’t give me the time to enjoy intimacy…she is rushed to get going.
    At my son’s recent engagement party, advised me to not talk too much to his friends so he can enjoy that time…I left the party then and allowed people to all leave before I came back.
    Not huge violations but…I am not trusted. My wisdom is silly. My intimate needs unnecessary and time consuming. My cooking, sandwich making are all done wrong or in the wrong place and all my things that I am working on (anything in the kitchen) are removed as if unimportant, including items I need while I make lunch!! As I’m putting a sandwich together she is putting things away before I get to them!! geeze!
    AND as I said before, 6 years of unemployment, I deserve to be disrespected, right? I am unimportant and my input is asked but not really considered. I am fuddy duddy guy! Like a little boy in the house, feed me and and make sure my speech is good…get me to fix the fence because no one else will do it, but all my other opinions are just silly because we are all just silly men who know nothing about relationships and we are so mean, after all, our children will never make it in life because we men demanded they get up for school instead of being nice and cuddly!
    The arguments lately are like this: Her: “why can’t you just do it like I ask? Me: “because you are not my mommy and I wanted it done the way I wanted it and besides, it didn’t matter so I made a decision to do it my way, if I needed your opinion I would ask, but I am an adult, I can do stuff” Her: “perhaps you need to speak to the pastor about your attitude towards me to become a loving husband, this is why intimacy is not as frequent. The bible says to be nice.” Me: “Your inaccuracies of biblical quotes is a manipulation to get me to do your bidding and being nice is not a quote nor is it a theme of biblical teaching and demanding my niceness is interesting because IF I was grouchy I think you can ask the kids if I am so bad.” Her: “I did” (she did not)
    I then leave the room mumbling about disrespect to deaf ears.

    In my house, my opinion is just treated as “amusing mutterings from dad.”

    I’m gonna go finish fixing that fence now.
    “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 25:24.
    -Jeff

    1. Jeff,

      There is often a sense in which the “scales of disrespect” fall off of a wife’s eyes as Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes it. I am pretty sure my husband would have felt very much like you do during the first 14+ years of our marriage. He didn’t confront me. But sometimes even when a husband tries to confront his wife, she can’t hear and can’t see what he is saying.

      Men think in such a vastly different way from women, and many wives today just don’t even realize there is a whole different realm of masculine reality that is different from their own.

      Most wives who are doing the things you are describing think they are “helping” and “loving” their husbands. But most husbnds do not receive these mothering kinds of actions as love, but as control. Now, of course, I can see it and the disrespect and control is so obvious to me. But I couldn’t see it at all until God gave me eyes to see.

      I pray God will open your wife’s spiritual eyes. Once she can “see” she will be shocked and mortified when she is able to see your perspective. Most wives do not purposely do this. They are not purposely disrespectful. They are acting the only way they know how to act. They are thinking the only way they know how to think. That doesn’t make it right. But I hope husbands may be able to take heart knowing that this kind of disrespect and control are almost never intentional acts of disrespect on a wife’s part. Usually, we just do not remotely understand respect or biblical submission.

      Praying for healing for you both!

    2. Wow Jeff, I read your reply twice! What an eye opener! So much of what you wrote about your wife sounds like me! Especially the garage cleaning example! I feel like everything needs my touch of else it’s not perfect! Doing a self exam now thanks to your reply and will be doing some work on my part. It’s like God used you as a voice to tell me where I need improvement !

      1. Yasmin,

        Yay!! I praise God that Jeff’s comment helped you to maybe see a glimpse into your husband’s perspective. Praying for wisdom and healing for you both. 🙂

  4. He sounds a lot like my husband. Although my husband is a perfectionist with some command man traits. Wonderful post!

        1. HH,

          A command man is a husband with a strong personality who knows what he wants and may be quite assertive in his leadership style. He may lean toward being controlling. Kind of the opposite of a passive husband.

          1. HH,

            Ha! Well, you may fit into that category. It is possible. 🙂 Although, it seems there have been a lot of times in the past 7 years where you went to the opposite extreme.

            Being a command man is not necessarily wrong. It is more of a personality style. Type-A, decisive leadership, black-and-white thinking, a strong sense of direction and self – those are things that can be good. (That tends to be my personality, too!)

            Of course, it is possible to take the idea of authority too far into being controlling or dominating. Just like a man who tends to be more laid back in personality who is a “Mr. Steady” isn’t “wrong.” But he will have to guard against passivity and will have to work harder at giving clear directions and leadership. We all have our leanings toward one end of the spectrum or the other. In Christ, He can empower us to find that delicate, godly, beautiful balance where we are not too controlling and not too passive but just right! 🙂

          2. Yep, it’s definitely me 100% my whole life! Straight A’s, knew what I wanted and how to get it, black and white, always in management roles, all of the above!

            But yes, I have definitely gone in the opposite direction and laid down as a doormat for a long time in the last 7 years! 🙁 I think because I realised how much damage I did in the early years and had so much shame I went completely opposite! Other side of the pendulum I guess, trying to make up for it.

            I like that in Christ it balances out. That makes sense. A fruit of the Spirit is self control, so bringing the natural tendencies of our character under control is one of the outcomes. I guess then the strengths of the character will be stronger and in the right context. Gah, so much to learn!!

          3. HH,

            It is a lot to learn. It takes a long time to process it and absorb it – and then there is more to learn! But yes, in Christ, He brings us to a healthy place in the middle where we soar on wings like eagles. 🙂 Something we can only do in His power. He helps to balance our personalities and take the sinful, rough edges off.

            Your personality is a LOT like mine, I think!

          4. And I think my wifes is a lot like Greg!!

            Imagine the conflict if two type A personalities married 😮

            I wonder, would two passive people have the least conflict in marriage?

          5. HH,

            I was not willing to go on a date with a type A guy when I was in high school. I guess we would have clashed too much! Ha! 🙂

            There can be a lot of fighting with two type As, yes. But I know some couples where they are both very passive and introverted – the deafening silence can last for months sometimes when there is tension. They don’t express their thoughts, so it looks like there is no conflict, but they just don’t ever address anything. Not good either. We can all make a mess no matter what the personality combinations are. We all need the balance that only Jesus can give, that is for sure!

          6. April:
            How about including the link to the post you had about the different types of men? That way, HH and other readers who did not see that post, can get more context… And if I recall well, there was quite a bit of discussion on that post as well. I searched for it just a bit, but didn’t find it. I always wonder how you find related posts so quickly 🙂

          7. Prayinglikehannah,

            Hmmm…. Not sure if I can find that post right now.

            The three types of husbands actually comes from a book by Debbie Pearl, “Created to Be His Helpmeet.” The Visionary, the Command Man, and Mr. Steady. Here is an excerpt. I think this particular chapter is helpful. But please know that I have not read the entire book – and there are very strong feelings among many believers for and against this book. I would really not want to get into a debate about the whole book here or Debbie’s particular approach. But rather, maybe we could just focus on this particular issue and the description of 3 different personality types of husbands.

            Different types of husbands

          8. Yup :). I know it is from Debbie Pearl’s book. However, you had a post about it :).

          9. PrayinglikeHannah,

            Oh! Now I remember. My friend from the Philippines had written a book review for my blog about it. There was a LOT of discussion – heated discussion. My sweet Philippina friend had never experienced such direct opposition before – and eventually asked me to take down her post, which I did out of respect for her.

            Greg asked me not to have anything to do with that book because of the contention it created.

          10. Ok, got it. I recall that there was a lot of discussion, but I do not recall that there was opposition to her :(. Oh, sad. I did not even recall that the post was by a guest. I understand you deleting the post in that case. I hope she is doing well! I haven’t “seen” her in a while. Thanks April.

          11. PrayinglikeHannah,

            Sadly, she hasn’t commented again on my blog since that situation – really broke my heart. She even stopped blogging after that. 🙁 She is doing well, though!

  5. My husband has been withdrawing from me for about a year. Last month he told me he is no longer in love with me – I begged him to work with me and lets find our new places in our marriage/relationship. Sunday after church he told he was done.
    I am so broken.
    Not a successful marriage really hurts when you think all is going great …

    Finding light in this dark tunnel – I am learning to seek God in every breath. I am learning to place God in his spot as the top lead while I ask for the path to follow.

    1. Amy,

      Oh no!!! 🙁

      I am so very sorry to hear about this! I wish I could give you a huge hug!

      You didn’t see this coming before last month? 🙁

      I praise God that you are seeking Him! That is awesome! I know He will make this mess into something so beautiful for His glory as you trust Him wholeheartedly. I would be honored to walk beside you on this road.

      Here are a few posts that may be helpful:

      When Your Husband Says, “I’m Done.”
      Fully Trusting God with My Husband
      My Husband Wanted a Divorce
      A Divorce and Reconciliation Story
      A Peaceful Separated Wife
      The Treasures of God in the Midst of a Great Storm

      Praying for you and for your husband, my precious sister!

  6. The author did a really good job realizing that the mean thoughts in the head are just as bad as saying it out loud. As a man, I do the same thing (maybe more often – it’s probably easier for me to bottle it up than it is for my wife), and I found it changed my attitude.

    One time I was trying to meet my wife somewhere to pick up my son so he & I could make a date and she could get back home to work on a project. I was running late, she was driving by me and we see each other in traffic. She gesticulated frustration at me with a big arm “what the heck?” type gesture. In my head I said something very unkind. Finally, I caught myself and apologized to God.

    Low and behold, she apologized to me for acting so frustrated. This is coming from a woman who doesn’t apologize for anything. I was baffled. God gave me that little reward to try and kick my butt in the right direction and cooperate with Him rather than continue saying mean things in my head.

    1. I don’t recommend feeding that habit of saying those mean things aloud even if the person they’re intended for won’t hear them. My husband is deaf and for awhile I use to say the unkind things that popped in my head when we were fighting. I use to think it was ok since he couldn’t hear the awful comments that I could just “get it out of my system”. I knew deep in my heart that doing it was wrong and I realized the negative impact it had on me. The weight of that sin really made me feel terrible and I knew that I wasn’t pleasing God, so I asked God to forgive me and help me stop the behavior.

  7. I’ve been reading this blog for about a year. Never read blogs or posted on a blog, but for some reason today I am, after thinking about it on several occasions. At times I’ve felt angry reading the blog (like it’s all my fault). I’ve felt shame for the way that I acted and based on reactions apparently continue to act. I want nothing more then to please God and reflect him, but with the hurt, pain, and rejection of the situation I am in, I fail over and over.
    After almost a year of separation from my husband, I feel as if I can’t take anymore. I’ve beat him up with my words for walking out on us. I know why, but I know there is no excuse and it’s not right. We have three, small children and it’s just been so hard, and I know I resent the fact that I’ve been left with such responsibility, and that the kids don’t see him as much as they would like. I’m losing or lost hope, and it saddens me especially for the kids. If I’m honest as well, I believe I’ve got an attitude towards God. I prayed about marrying him, and I consulted a minister ( looking back he should not have agreed to marry us but I trusted his wisdom)..I wanted to do the right thing. I prayed if I shouldn’t marry him, that God would intervene some way and stop it. I thought God would protect me. Why would he let me marry someone who didn’t want the same things and have children him with so we could just end up with a broken home? Looking back I’m thinking, that maybe that was just a stupid prayer. I’ve done my best in this marriage and it hasn’t been good enough. I have no idea his relationship with God (he seems to can do without Him, not interested), I just know that I have such a desire to know God more and more (from memory always have) and want to live for Him, but I seem to fail all the time. It’s like I can’t get it right. It shouldn’t be such a constant never ending struggle. So I look back and am so disappointed with all areas of my life even though I know I’ve done my best with what I knew at the time.
    Just really feeling like a failure in so many ways, and so angry that I just wasn’t mature enough spiritually to grow and hear God and follow his direction. Still not, even though I do some of the things needed to grow daily. I do struggle with prayer because of past experiences. I’ve always felt like I’m just making decisions but never confident that I’m making the ones he wants me to make. I hate focusing on me, but I want to be useful in this world with whatever gifts I’ve been given.
    I know some of the correct things to say to people going through challenges, but for myself after decades and decades of believing and nothing seeming to come together, doubt comes in. Do all things really work together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose..here on Earth? Realizing that these BIG plans that God has for me do not really exist. They exist for my kids. I tell them that all the time, but for me, no. I struggle with joy in difficulties and just enjoying the journey.
    I don’t know if this was the place to post this, because so many topics it may or could fall under. I wish I had encouraging words. Maybe someone will feel not alone by reading how I feel. I don’t know where exactly I went wrong, but I know that if you are single you need to have a solid foundation and understanding of who you are in Christ. What He says about you. That way you will respect yourself and not settle for less than God’s best. When going through challenges, you will have a solid foundation.
    Thank you, April for this blog and your time and commitment to reaching out. God bless you and your readers.

    1. Faith,

      Are you willing to confront your attitude toward God, my dear sister? Would you say you are bitter at Him?

      God doesn’t generally intervene in our decisions. He allows us to exercise our free will. I don’t know how your relationship with God was back then? I know that there have been times when I prayed, but I wasn’t really listening or submitted to God’s will and charged ahead with what I thought was best, thinking I had trusted God – but really I was running ahead of Him. If you had concerns or saw red flags, you could have chosen to postpone the marriage or to dig deeply into the issues or to not marry this man. Is it possible that you may be blaming God when this was a decision you made yourself?

      Have you come to the place where you have totally yielded control to God in complete trust and you have submitted to Him as LORD of everything?

      Is it possible that you are trying to do this whole thing in your own strength without the Spirit’s power?

      God CAN take this situation and make something beautiful from it. That is the awesome news. 🙂 Starting with you!

      I would encourage you to read these two books by Andrew Murray:

      1. Absolute Surrender
      2. Humility

      And the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (you can skip the chapter on children, if you would like).
      And, I would encourage you to search my home page for “Radiant” and read the posts she has written.

      You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I pray that God will lead you and that you will be sensitive to His voice to follow Him into His healing for your soul. That is my biggest concern!

      Much love!

      1. Hi April:

        I do not mean to change the subject, but your statement, “God doesn’t generally intervene in our decisions. He allows us to exercise our free will,” brings to mind the confusion I have about free will. If God does not intervene in the decisions people make, how exactly does praying for someone who is going down a wrong path effective? I always get a bit unclear on that, since I think God does sometimes (not all the time), intervene in our choices, decisions, responses etc.

        Is there anything you (or anyone else) point me to that can help to clear this up for me (such as clarifying scriptures, sermons etc.)?

        1. PrayingLikeHannah,

          Let’s see if this is more clear? I hope so!

          What I mean is – if I am praying about something and ask God to stop me if He doesn’t want me to do something and I go ahead without clear direction – God is not necessarily going to stop me. He will prompt me. He will give me direction as I am walking in obedience and in the power of the Holy Spirit and if I am listening. But if I run ahead of Him – which was my normal mode of operation for most of my life – He will not necessarily stop me and completely close the doors. I can choose to make my own decisions that may not align with His will. Sometimes He sends a great storm and a big fish – like with Jonah. But most of the time, He lets us make our decisions and then live with the consequences – like with Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham, and with the Israelites choosing to worship idols, and many other cases.

          I don’t know that it is helpful to pray, “God, stop me if you don’t want me to do this,” is my point. I think it is better to wait on God and not move forward unless we know that He is giving us a green light. Does that make sense?

          1. Makes perfect sense. I appreciate you taking the time to clarify.

            I have heard “seasoned” Christians say that, if a spouse wants to leave and lead a wayward life… it doesn’t make sense the other spouse pray about it, because God gives the offending spouse “free will.”

            Of course, I’ve also seen the lower of prayer as well! So, I always wonder about that term. However, I understand your point very clearly. Thank you.

          2. prayinglikehannah,
            I do believe the Scripture that “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” I know God can change hearts and circumstances. So prayer – by someone who is Spirit-filled – is important and effective in bringing about God’s will. God allows us to be part of His work that way.

            But the use of prayer to try to get God to stop us if we are making a mistake – I am just not sure that is going to be effective. I can’t recall a Scriptural example of that being a way for us to pray. I don’t recall Jesus praying like that or teaching us to pray like that. So if we are praying for God to stop us – I am not sure He will – but I do believe He will direct us if we are listening and open to His will and we are waiting on Him.

          3. There’s nothing wrong with a prayer for petition, but it’s always good to acknowledge, “Thy will be done.”

            In my life, my best, strongest spiritual growth came from times of adversity and difficulty. I don’t wish hard times on you, but God requires us to cooperate with his will via free will instead of turn us into sock puppets and force us to love him (which isn’t love at all).

            Even when evil is done, the power of God is so great that he can make good come of it. If your marriage is restored, God can make it good. If it isn’t, God can help make you holy if you cooperate with his Grace.

            God bless!

          4. Anonyman:

            Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

            I too know that spiritual growth comes through challenges, and I agree that we should always acknowledge that it is God’s will that we are seeking – not our own (and we should mean that, even when the tough gets going!). I know that my greatest spiritual victories have been because God allowed HIS way and not my own in many circumstances of my life.

            However, just to clarify…my query was in reference to free will “in general.” I was not referring specifically to free will in the context of a wayward “spouse” or as it relates only to marriage restoration; but just the concept of free will as it relates to praying for changes in the lives/attitudes/choices of others, regardless of the circumstances.

          5. I don’t know what your level of interest is in theology, but St. Augustine wrote extensively on this topic. Here’s a link if you’re a reader. I hope I’m not stepping on April’s toes here. Her job is to minister to everyone here, I’m just trying to be helpful. St. Augustine is largely considered the theologian that was the intellectual foundation of Western Christianity.

            http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1510.htm

          6. Thanks for sharing this, AnonyMan. 🙂

            Prayinglikehannah,

            You may also want to check out Wayne Grudem’s podcasts on these topics, or you can search http://www.desiringgod.org (John Piper) for God’s sovereignty and man’s free will.

            There is debate among believers about how to understand the mystery of these two things existing simultaneously. Some believe it is more about man’s free will and God is a wimp. Others believe it is more about God’s sovereignty and man is a robot. I believe there is a balance between the two and that both are equally true and exist without conflict.

            Much love!

      2. Faith,

        God is sovereign over your marriage. I believe He plans to use this crisis to draw you to Himself and to grow you spiritually in powerful, glorious ways! I don’t know if your marrying this man was a mistake, or if you were hearing God correctly and this was His will. I don’t know if your husband is a believer or not. God does want believers only to marry other believers. But whether you were hearing God clearly or not – this marriage is a covenant now and you can pray for God to draw your husband to Himself, to heal you spiritually, and to heal your marriage. God absolutely can use even this situation for your ultimate good and His greatest glory as you learn to completely yield in faith to Him.

        I don’t know what the outcome will be. There is not a guarantee your husband will come back or turn to Christ. But as you allow Him to transform you – you are guaranteed you will never be the same and that He will radically change and heal your heart.

        Much love to you!

        1. How do I completely yield in faith to Him? Also, “allow Him to transform me”, I’ve wanted this for years! Ive acknowledged my dependence on Him. I attend church regularly and study the bible and pray (or just converse with him throughout the day). I do things to feed my faith on a regular basis, I just struggle when I get tired and I feel like I can’t handle everything.
          Recommended reading etc. would be appreciated.
          I’m okay with whatever happens. Right now I’m so tired of being yelled out and cussed at, so I honestly don’t want him around. It would be wonderful though if healing takes place.
          I can’t say thank you enough..you are a blessing!

          1. Faith,

            Please check out the post “Encouragement for Those Who Are in the Trenches” and the comments if you have some time. And the post by therestoredwife from Monday “Things God Worse…”

            The book Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray is really helpful for us to understand how to yield fully to Jesus as Lord.

            You may also search my home page for:

            – lordship
            – security
            – filled with the Spirit
            – my own strength

            How bad are things in the marriage, if you are at liberty to say?

            What does your husband say he wants or needs?

            Would you say he is a “command man”? How do you usually respond to him?

            Much love!
            April

          2. I will read the post and get the book for sure. Trying to do this on my own just hasn’t worked.

            As far as the marriage, I have heard “I’m done”, I’m not in love with you anymore, we are diffferent people who want different things, have received no affection for over a year and we will never be together because we are too different. We argue about nearly everything. Strife!

            I really have been focusing on God and my relationship with Him. When I first read the blog, I asked my husband to forgive me for disrespecting Him. I know he doesn’t forgive me because he has a lot of anger toward me. He says he didn’t make me happy, and sexually it wasnt enough. This is the 2nd time he has left me. First time, he was having emotional affair, 9 years later, he left because he is tired of the arguing (another person, I don’t know). I had anger toward Him because of his irresponsibility and plus his secrecy with cell phone, he thinks it’s okay to look at other women on the Internet (said it shouldn’t matter he always wanted me). I have to do most everything (make sure bills are paid, I set financial goals for us, I take care of the house..anything involving it, on and on). It always upset me that he doesn’t seem to care about what kind of home we live in, paying for kids college, saving for emergency. He just likes to “laugh and have fun” and that’s all I know he would say he wants, but now he just is an angry man underneath. He also never initiated special time for us to have fun. All we have done over the years is work and take care of resonsibilities. Nothing to nurture our relationship.
            From what I understand about a command man, I don’t think that is him.

            I respond negatively. I can apologize immediately, but it doesn’t mean anything to him. When I do respond positively, It doesn’t seem to be noticed or remembered. It’s been difficult for me to respect him, because of his behaviors and maybe just not caring about what’s important to me (and I’m sure most women as well). When I read about you husband working on house, I thought that was wonderful because he cared about making the home beautiful for you and your family.

            I for sure need help controlling what I say. I let my hurt etc.justify my words. He just wants us not to argue. He wants me to be nice to him. I do well for so long, then I blow it because of something he does or says to me or kids (very strict) and the whole situation. I don’t want to be the one to initiate divorce, but I don’t know that he has any incentive to do so. He can’t afford to divorce really.

            It’s all such a mess….nightmare.

          3. Faith,

            I wonder – is it possible that you may have taken on the role of “angry mom” and he is the “rebellious boy”?

            Are you dealing with any mental health issues or addictions?

            The porn use or looking lustfully at other women is not okay. That is very hurtful. I can understand you didn’t like his secrecy. I am sure there is sin on both sides. And the sad thing is, when one spouse sins against the other, the other one is so much more tempted to sin in response – and the cycle continues on and on in this awful death spiral. Someone has to decide to start doing what the other one needs even if they don’t deserve it. Someone has to decide to honor Christ and to do what is right whether his/her own needs are met or not.

            Does you husband have a job?

            What is his relationship with Christ?

            What are some things you do respect about him?

            What things are fun to him?

            This is not beyond the reach of God. 🙂

            Much love to you!

          4. Yes, you are right about the death spiral. It’s difficult for me to be yelled at, for example, and not say anything back. I’ve been successful before in not saying anything, but then I think it’s just wrong and I shouldn’t stand for it. So what happens is it builds up, then I just unload and tell him how horrible he is for leaving us etc.

            Yes, he has a good job, just one of those professions that pays less than it should. I respect the fact that he does have a good work ethic and others look to him for help etc. People like him a lot..everybody likes him, but I don’t see the side he shows to most.

            As for any addictions, I have none. A friend told me my husband and hers were addicted to porn when young. I had no idea, I knew they had seen it but had no idea it was frequently. He is now drinking beer which he never ever did all his life. Alcoholism run in family. Mental illness…not that I’m aware of. I have always had body image issue which frustrated him. After having twins it has been difficult for me dealing with the the change in my stomach. Been an ongoing issue all my life.

            I’ve completely lost hope. He doesn’t love me. When I have the time I’m going to seek legal counsel. He says he is getting a place of his own and if he does that he will have little for us. It’s devasting to realize your family will not be the happy family you envisioned. Your kids will grow up without a father in the home. Just very difficult for me to accept.

          5. Faith,

            I don’t think you have to necessarily “say nothing” if you are being yelled at. The book Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas has some beautiful examples of godly wives responding in healthy, respectful ways that show respect to themselves, God, and their husbands, when their husbands were lashing out in anger. Could be a blessing. 🙂

            Where is your hope, my sister? Is it in your husband and his actions toward you? Or is it in Christ? Please don’t put all of your hope and faith in any man. Only God is worthy of all of our hope, faith, trust, and adoration. Only He can meet the deepest needs of our souls.

            If he leaves and doesn’t want to stay, you can let him leave without freaking out. Yes, it would be excruciatingly painful – but please remember that just because he leaves doesn’t mean that God can’t intervene and that God can’t heal him or heal the marriage. Sometimes separation is a necessary step for both people to begin to hear God and to allow God to transform each of them and then the marriage may be healed later.

            What are you doing to draw near to Christ? How are you doing with your bitterness toward God?

            Are you willing to invest yourself in significant amounts of time with God in prayer and reading the Bible and asking Him to change you first?

            If you are really ready to live for Him – I can give you some posts to get you started. And some books.

            Much love to you! 🙂

      3. Sadly, I believe I am bitter at God which brings me to tears. I’ve been angry with his timing, his direction (in my mind, lack of direction) and maybe just how he made me. I wanted help, and I wanted His help and I didn’t “hear” anything on very important life impacting decisions. I was confused a lot, and just didn’t trust my judgement. The worst mistake I’ve made is choosing who to marry. I waited 7 yrs and still messed up. Now I’ve forever impacted my life as well as 3 precious children’s lives. I don’t even want free will, but I understand why he gives it to us.

        Yes, I made the decision myself to marry him and I am to blame. I know my thinking is flawed about God, and I know it is my fault because I did have free will. I was hoping if we were not meant to get married something would happen to stop it and that was my prayer. I waited 7 years to marry him. I tried to break away from him at times, to have some alone time to figure out things, but he really never would give me the opportunity. It’s difficult for me to remember all the details, but I’m sure he was on the controlling side. He called me all the time, which I assumed it was because he thought about me frequently and just didn’t want to know my whereabouts, but I’m not even sure. Any doubts I had, I thought well maybe it’s just me and my difficulty trusting guys/people with my heart. His family was/is another issue (alcoholism, divorce, etc) and I questioned his commitment to putting God first in our marriage. I didn’t and probably don’t trust myself making decisions, so I wanted God to intervene somehow…have him meet someone else of interest, a job transfer, something! I didn’t trust myself to make the right choice. I felt my feelings about him would get in the way, and I couldn’t see things clearly as they really were. I’m sure I felt a little pressure because I was past the age that most desire to be married.

        I read Radiant before, but I did reread and I definitely can relate to 1- 3. I grew up in a “normal” Christian home, but I felt bad about everything about myself. I never felt good enough at anything. I felt worthless. Low self esteem and body image. I faked as best as I could that I was okay, but I was hurting. I had a undiagnosed eating disorder. I knew better than to take it too far, because I just knew I shouldn’t treat my body badly to the point of causing damage.

        I think without a doubt I try to do everything in my own strength which has left me exhausted and frustrated, but I don’t know that I understand how to be any different.

        Your questions have given me a lot to think about. Thank you for the book recommendations. Thanks so much, April.

        1. Faith,

          I am glad you are willing to look at things from a different angle. It is going to be critical to work through this bitterness at God and to acknowledge any sin on your part in order for you to move forward with healing and to move toward God.

          Are you safe?

          What do you want in your relationship with Christ?

          Are you ready to take responsiblity for your choices and stop blaming God?

          Once you are willing to look at the sin in your life, the wrong thinking, the messed up understanding of God’s character, unbelief, resentment, pride, etc… and you turn from all of that and turn fully to Jesus, He can and will heal you. But you can’t have His Spirit empowering you if you are cherishing any sin in your heart. I think this is why you are struggling, from what I can see so far.

          Sending you a huge hug! I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your life if you are willing to yield to Him. 🙂 You can learn to hear And know His voice.

          Much love!
          April

          1. I am ready. I just want to be the person He created me to be and have a relationship with Him like a friend. Of course, I also want to experience blessing in my life, all areas, so I can be a blessing to others. Not much of a testimony if I’m living a defeated life.
            Thank you, I look forward to sharing! I like Bel’s prayer (under another topic), my prayer as well.

          2. Faith,

            This is an awesome place to start. 🙂

            Do you need a bit more reading or are you still working on the other things I suggested?

            We will walk this road together. I can show you the baby steps to find healing in Christ. I can’t do the hard work for you. But I can tell you He will radically change and heal you as you totally trust Him and live with Him as Lord of everything in your life.
            Much love to you! 🙂

  8. Wow! I’m so happy to read about this not successful marriage story. I’m so sick of hearing of stories where you do your part and your husband still stay the same. It seems that my husband has a twin. What you say about your husband is the exact description of mine. Don’t ask him how I changed about this almost 4 years of marriage cause he would say I am the same despite my true efforts and prayers of respecting him no matter what.

    I didn’t arrive yet and took a special time to pray and fast today because my behavior was really not respectful these last days. So hard to respect someone who doesn’t respect you, yells at you and discharge all his stress and anger on you in front of other people. Add that he his a pastor and that these people are his students of a missionary training and you’ll understand how it is so hard but not impossible to respect him.

    I pray God will help me to accept him and love him as he is and that I won’t have any more any expectations from him. I pray that I will be happy despite that my marriage is the biggest suffering in all my life. But thanks God, I have Him as my wonderful son, works, plan of studying, some few friends…… Please pray that I won’t focus on our marital crisis but will be able to enjoy life despite this terrible thorn in the flesh.

    I decided I won’t celebrate our four year wedding on May 20th and won’t even mention it on Fb or fiends. I have nothing to celebrate. I am in a very hard journey to learn to love and respect someone who hasn’t forgive me, abuse me in words and sometimes physically, put his mum first before me, whose love got colder and colder because of the unforgiving and bitter root. Each day married to him is a victory and a celebration. Please, PRAY FOR ME. 😘

    1. Sonadewonderful,

      I continue to be extremely concerned for your safety and continue to encourage you to reach out for the help you need. I would support separation in this case – based on your description of what has been happening over the past 4 years – until you both have the spiritual help and healing you need.

      I pray for God’s wisdom for you and that you might find much healing in Christ and that He will show you what He wants you to do.

      Sending you a huge hug!

      1. I can’t separate April. I won’t do it for our son and I won’t have enough money to do it either. I live in Brazil not in the U.S. and moreover, I am a foreigner here.

        1. Sonadewonderful,

          It is such a toxic situation, my precious sister. Let’s pray that God will show you what to do and get you both the help you need. I long for you to reach out for godly help in person. But I know it may not be safe to do so. I’m glad you are studying about spiritual warfare. That is what is going on, for sure.

          1. Hi April. If he beats me once again, I’ll probably try to leave few days and will take our son with me to make sure that he understood. But it happens twice after a very disrespectful attitude of mine. This doesn’t justify his wrong attitude but in both case he beats only with one slam. He does have a very serious problem and I already told him twice to do a couple therapy. Many times these las week I told him that I don’t handle anymore. I won’t divorce cause this is not biblical in this case and I believe God is going to turn the situation upside down. He never heated our son in this respect (only for correction and he was right each time). I am not in danger as you think. He is not gonna kill me but yes, he needs to repent and especially forgive me. Maybe he wasn’t right but on Tuesday, I sent him a text message. It said: for our 4th wedding anniversary (which will be sad as our marriage is), I just want one thing: they he forgives me. If not, he should do me a favor and divorce (which he won’t do cause full time minister) cause I can’t hold it anymore.
            Our 4th wedding anniversary is in few days and I won’t mention it or celebrate it. If he wants to do it, I will refuse to show cause this year, we don’t have anything to celebrate according to me. determination
            And I pray. I still think that God wasn’t wrong when he joined us together but he probably did it to refine us a lot both of us. Thanks for your prayer

          2. sonadewonderful,
            I do pray you will focus on what God wants to change in your own heart and your walk with Him and find all of HIs healing that is available to you. I pray you will be a blessing to your husband and that you will shine brightly for Christ no matter what your husband chooses to do. I pray you will allow God to help you tear out any ungodly motives and strongholds so that you can be completely filled with His Spirit.

            I pray for His wisdom for you about your safety. But I also don’t want you to mistreat you husband. That is not okay either, as I am sure you know.

            How is your walk with Christ?

            Much love to you!

          3. One think I don’t like if when each time you mention “how is your walk with God?”. It can have a tendency to put guilt on people even if I know it is not your desire. My walk with God is getting better and better but it doesn’t mean that I can’t loose it especially when my husband is yelling at me in front of the students. It is very rare that I disrespect him if he hasn’t do anything. Usually, it is because it treats me like…….
            And I am a human first of all. I can be a solid christian and have problems on respecting my husband because of my mum attitude, because of a crazy hormones cycle (all this week I’ve been waiting for my period. It is more than a 2 months period without , I am not pregnant but I over react and feel over tense. I hate it!!!!)
            So things aren’t so simple that having a good or not so good relationship with the Lord

          4. Sonadewonderful,

            My precious sister… I am not sure I am the best counselor for you. I am not very familiar with abuse. The things that seem like the best thing to do in your situation from my perspective, you don’t believe you can do. You are choosing to stay in a home where there is great dysfunction and toxicity on both sides. The only way I can fathom this could work would be by the power of God alone.

            My main focus here is on how everyone’s walk with Christ is going. I believe that it really does all come down to that primarily. Of course, if there are medical issues, I hope you can get help with that from your doctor, because that can make a big difference. 🙂

            Here, I ask women about their walk with Christ because that is where I believe our power is. He can absolutely give us the ability not to respond in sin even when we are being sinned against. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t write this blog.

            I don’t ask that question to offend anyone. I have had to repent of sinful thoughts and motives in my own heart this week toward some people who were mistreating my son so that I didn’t lash out at them, even though it was very tempting. I had to remind myself to pray for them and to seek to bless them and that they are not the enemy, Satan is the real enemy. We all have issues to work on and more growth and refinement needed in our walk. We will have more growing to do until we reach heaven.

            My heart is that we might sharpen, love, pray for, bless, refine each other, and spur one another on toward love and good deeds and obedience to God.

            Much love to you!

          5. I know April. I know your heart for us and I know that our relationship with Christ is crucial. Though, things can be so complicated especially with us women. ;-). But I really not feel the peace in my heart to leave. Thinking about this article, it helps me to thinks of my husband in a different way. I ask God to help me to do so. She said that many time when her husband lashed at her, she tries now to not take it personally. It is like these 2 last days where I have been very cold and limiting my time with him, I started to see him in a different way. I know that he suffers also a lot April. I always need to express myself, usually by test messages thought I am thinking right now that always sharing all my thoughts and wounds with him, I should probably worried to myself instead cause it might make it even harder for him, don’t know) but he keeps everything to himself. And I need to see how much the enemy wants to destroy our marriage. Leaving will be one thing giving the enemy of our souls to rejoice over. And I won’t grant him this pleasure. But I promised to myself and to you: If he beats me again, I will leave for few days taking my son with me. I pray God can have mercy of us and will touch his heart that he will accept counselling. Incredibly it can be, my husband is a great pastor and really care well of people all around him. He is a man of God. But he is very sick emotionally and had a lot of fortress in his mind toward me and marriage. You see, things aren’t so simple. Please, don’t think I rebuked you: your ministry had and is blessing me SO MUCH! PLease continue to help us: I need it so bad and you and this site is the only place I can let it go and share all my heart. Love lots April

          6. Sonadewonderful,

            I would love for you to focus on what God is calling you to do – no matter what your husband is or is not doing. You can respond in the power of His Spirit and not in sin. God’s Spirit can give you this kind of victory as you continue to grow. 🙂

            I believe that he is in the devil’s snare. I think you both have been. I don’t think that telling him every single thought and wound is going to be productive.

            To me, it seems a wife in your position may benefit by thinking about things like this:
            What can you do to bless him, build him up, see the good in him, and edify him? What can you do to set the emotional and spiritual temperature to “warm, welcoming, inviting, and friendly” in your home? What can you do to respect and honor him in appropriate ways, not to honor sin, but to honor him and God? What can you do to not be contentious and to not yell and scream but respond with dignity, poise, godliness, and righteousness?

            I’m glad that you will leave if you are not safe. I don’t want any harm to come to either of you or your son.

            Much love and a big hug to you!

            April 🙂

          7. I feel so discouraged today April.

            Of course there are days I think of separation… but I believe that is more the devil voice than God’s one.

            I have one victory to share: finally my husband decided to move out of his mum’s house. We gonna move in few weeks there. It is very small but that will be ours. And he was even willing to let his mum alone where she is now. But thank God, she decided to move too in he me old house which will be 5mn by car to our apartment and she will be much more secure and less isolated too.

            I was thinking that if my husband plan would have work, we will have been living in 2 apartments, one beside the other, and my husband was talking about putting a door or a passage from his mum apartment to ours, which I will have never accepted. I had to wait 6 more months, but God realized the desire of mine of not being my mother in law neighbor, as she’s very controlling, and even more, not living in the same street, what we have been doing all these years!

            It does encourage me. But my husband is very stressed in this moment. We fought yesterday because I told him I want to buy some stuff for the appt and he said he doesn’t allow me. Even if I work very little, I managed to pay my bills. My husband sacrifies his family to invest in the center because most is the 5 students doesn’t have money to pay for their training. So often there was nothing at home these last month and this is why we have lunch and dinner there. Few weeks ago there was even lacking soap to take a shower!

            So my husband asked me yesterday to help him pay his debts. I said I refuse because I already told him that I disagree that he sacrifies his family for his ministry. I prefer keeping the money for me and our son that when we will be at the appt and there will be nothing I eat, I won’t depend on him cause I can’t trust him.

            How can I trust a man who didn’t pay his last 4 car bills that we almost lost the car?! We didn’t cause his mum, one more time, flied to rescue her only and precious irresponsible child!
            So complicated! And today, when I came back from work, I learn that my husband and mother in law are at the appt to decide where are the equipped kitchen is going to be. He never consult me for anything, takes all the decisions and I have to ship it and agree. Is it normal? For him, it is.

            But this is why some days I feel so discouraged. He hasn’t change in 4 years; will he one day?

          8. Sonadewonderful,

            You are moving out of your MIL’s house!?!?!?! THAT IS HUGE!!!!!!

            Congratulations! And PRAISE GOD!

            Here are some questions I would like for you to think about –

            Is your husband your enemy?

            What would make you content and happy in your marriage?

            What are your greatest fears?

            Is there anything good about your husband, anything you actually can respect?

          9. No, my husband isn’t my enemy. But because of strongholds and open doors in his life, the enemy do everything he can to destroy me through him. Sadly, sometimes I’m afraid of my husband. But he isn’t my friend, far from that.
            What would make me content and happy? To have someone who treats me well, who valorize me -even if my value is in Christ- someone who will be my friend, who will share his thoughts and dreams with me, someone who love to kiss me and hug me (contrary to my hubby), someone I can just hold the hand and have a walk with, a companion, someone who will demonstrate me imperfect love, but who will truly loves me. I really don’t know if my husband loves me indeed. A friend told me that she really saw how, as we were together, my husband rejected me many times publicly.

            My greatest fear? that I will be separated of my son and that he will suffer because of it, that I won’t want or use other kids, that things will stay the same. It seems that I start to arrive to the end of my rope. Some days like today, I can’t hold my tears and cry out to God to move this situation.
            I never considered separation or divorce as a solution. But on the other hand I can’t stay in this abusive and so destructive situation for me. Today, my best friend told me to continue to pray that God will liberate and heal my husband or that God will take him away from me.
            I don’t know if it is biblical but if my husband doesn’t want to change, should I be punish all my life for this? I won’t open a door to the enemy and sin or do something to give him a license to divorce. Though, I was thinking today how much Abigail might have suffered being married to a very cruel and stupid man. She was stuck in a human way. But she didn’t do any harm to her husband or even let David harm him. She trusted God. And God stroke him and she became the wife of a very good man (and hopefully a good spouse, king David).
            Some months ago, a very good friend of my husband who was emotional intimate since childhood with him, really crossed boundaries. She bought clothes with him (she’s single, always love to talk to him privately….). I know my husband wasn’t interested by her and her neither but my husband refused to acknowledge the situation and thought I was jealous. Though, 3 people told me she had an inappropriate behavior with my husband and tried to take my place as his spouse. I talked to her, she said she was sorry and she was more careful but it was still not healthy. My friend told me to pray that God will take her far away. And I prayed for weeks then forgot about it. Few weeks ago, my husband told me she found a job in Rio, 4 hours of plane from here, as she never leaved our town since she was born!!!! It was really woww! It was really God! 😉
            I know that I wasn’t married to her but I didn’t have any human solutions and God amazed me, as He does it with this moving.
            But I already suffered so much in these almost 4 years of marriage…. I still hope and pray that God will move my husband, me and our marriage. But for the first time in 4 years, I start to think that it might not be a happy end but that God will free me, as I obey him.

            What I respect about my husband? He is such a good pastor and take care so well of other people (except me who is in the black list), he is very generous and gives his clothes to brothers who need some, he is able to sacrify his needs for the ministry. He is not very present for our son, but he is nice with him, he treats him mum as the queen mother, he tries to take care of me and buy me remedies when I’m seek and can’t afford them, he likes to joke and very often he’s funny (or he used….)

          10. sonadewonderful,

            It seems to me that you have both suffered much in the past four years.

            Everything I can see that you could do to potentially help this situation, you don’t want to do. I respect that it is your choice what you want to do. You don’t want to separate. You don’t want to go to a godly counselor. You don’t want to go to those above your husband for help (and it may not be safe to, but there does need to be church discipline in this situation, from what you have been describing). You want to stay and you want him to change – which is understandable. I want him to change, too!

            What do you believe God desires you to do on your end to bring about greater unity, healing, and teamwork?

            I will continue to pray for you. But I am just not sure what else I could recommend. Of course, prayer! And I would encourage you to seek to allow God to change and heal you. I also pray that you will hear God’s voice clearly about whether to separate and whether to reach out for help. It seems to me that the issues are so toxic and severe that you both need godly, wise counsel.

            I love you dearly. I want to see you both be healed!!!!

          11. PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME!!! I was answering your last comment went you sent this mean message. You didn’t understand anything April. I am ready to separate, I even told him this morning but I DON’T HAVE MONEY TO PAY FOR A APPARTMENT, FOOD…… I worked 6 hours/week as a teacher.

            I WANT to do a counselling but HE DOESN’T!!!! Can you get that!

            AND I’m willing to change and do everything with God’s help to do so.

            You were suppose to be a counsellor, a friend but yours answers demonstrate all the contrary!…

          12. sonadewonderful,

            I am not trying to judge you – you are mishearing me, my dear sister! 🙁 I am just not sure what else I can possibly say. You are miserable. You feel that you can’t get help. You are maybe in danger. I want you to be safe! I want to see healing for you both.

            I have shared everything I know to share. I have exhausted the limits of my ability to help.

            My heart completely breaks for your situation. I am not trying to be mean at all. I am frustrated because everything that makes sense to me for you to do – doesn’t seem to be a possibility. I believe you need someone with much more wisdom than I have to walk beside you on this road. 🙁

            I love you dearly and want God’s best for you.

          13. sonadewonderful,

            I don’t think I am an appropriate counselor for you. I don’t have training about abusive relationships. I am very afraid I am making things worse. 🙁 That is the last thing I want to do.

            I want you to be able to talk with someone who can give you a lot more help than I can give.

            http://www.focusonthefamily.org has a free counseling program and trained counselors. Perhaps that could be a start?

          14. Thanks. I asked a friend to mark with one christian psy next week but even this, you have to pay for April. I asked her to tell her I am desperate if she can do half price as she does for her.

            I can see a psy without paying with my health plan but last time I did, she wasn’t christian and we’re giving me bad advices. But I’ll try to call and ask about. But it is at one hour 1/2 of bus from here….
            But that’s worth trying

            I am gonna fast and pray all day (as pack the stuff cause we are moving soon).

            I start to pray that if God wants me to separate for a while that he will find me a place to stay without paying. He can do that. Maybe my husband will only start to reflect on himself this way…. But I don’t do things anymore regarding him, I am thinking of me first. I need also to take care of our son, I don’t want him to suffer…..

            Don’t know what else to do. You did a lot April, you are there, you are listening to me when no one can do that, and you pray. That’s enough my friend. I don’t ask for more but please; just stay there. Lov’ya

          15. Sonadewonderful,

            I want to support you in any way I can. Although, I feel extremely limited. But I know God is not limited. I know you and your husband are not beyond His reach at all!! 🙂

            I hope that you might be able to understand that when I talk with you on my blog – I also have to be sure I am being mindful that many other women are reading your comments. You may feel like you can’t leave even if you think you are in danger. (Maybe you can’t. Maybe that would be even more dangerous.) But if any wife says she is being physically abused – I believe I have the responsibility to say (for the benefit of everyone) for her to try to get somewhere safe and to get appropriate help ASAP – every time this issue is mentioned by anyone. Does that make sense?

            I have heard your story and am familiar with your situation and the reasons why you feel that you can’t leave or get help. It breaks my heart. I pray God will provide so that you can get the help you need. But if you mention abuse in a comment, I believe it is my obligation to address that publicly each time so that others who read understand that I am not condoning abuse and I am not condoning a wife staying where she is not safe. Other readers haven’t read all of our interactions before – and I have to keep everyone’s perspectives in mind. I hope you can be understanding with me about that.

            I’m glad you are praying and fasting and I certainly pray with you for God to provide the resources and wisdom you need to make the choices that will most honor Him in this very difficult situation

            Much love to you!

          16. sonadewonderful,

            I’m so sorry about the state of your marriage. I wanted to just let you know that you definitely need to take your son with you if you ever leave because of being threatened with physical violence (personally, I would feel very comfortable to leave if it were extreme verbal abuse that was out of control, also). I had a pastor advise me of this recently when my husband was going through an angry phase after I confronted him about his lying. Obviously, I don’t know the laws in your country, but I was advised that I needed to take my children because if I left without them my husband could possibly use that as leverage against me if for some reason our marriage ended in divorce (he could say that I abandoned them). He also advised me to have an age-appropriate conversation with each one of my kids explaining ahead of time that if I ever asked them to leave with me out of the bluey, that they should listen and act quickly. Obviously, this is a touchy situation – even talking to your child – so I pray that God will give you wisdom on what to do with that. There’s nothing wrong with speaking age-appropriate truth to your child about the situation – you can still do that while honoring and respecting their father

            Have you read Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage? This isn’t a book I’d want to have sitting out, I’m not sure if you could get it on your kindle (and in that case, you’d want to make sure that the confirmation email of the purchase wouldn’t be seen, either). It’s sad that we have to have conversations like this. 🙁 What I like about the book for your situation is that Leslie clearly lays out a very detailed plan on confronting a husband who is prone to physical abuse. It is not something she recommends doing in your own home for obvious reasons. Leslie is a Christian and I believe you will find her advice very godly and appropriate for your situation.

            She also has a website leslievernick.com. But goodness, I am truly worried to send you to a website like that in case your husband found out. So, please be cautious.

            I pray that God will show you how valuable to Him you are and that He will set you free from fear of the future – that He will give you wisdom as you navigate standing up for yourself in godly ways and wisdom to do this with caution and care with your husband’s personality.

            One thing that has helped and encouraged me as I’ve gone through some of my own marital difficulties is the idea that God put me with my husband for a reason (and vice-versa). I would feel really torn at times with standing up against his sin, but I started to see that God knew what He was doing when He put me with my husband. I am the only one who sees the things that are going on and I am the only one in a position to hold him accountable. I pray that God will continue to give you a holy boldness in Him that is balanced with respect, unconditional love and caution as you navigate these waters. May God use you in your husband’s life for great good! I pray that he one day sees the gift of a strong woman of God – his own wife – who lovingly refused to allow him to remain in his bondage.

          17. Thank you so much ContentinChrist for the advices of taking my son with me. I don’t think this law applies in Brazil but I thought I will do it cause many times when we fighted badly and he threatened me of divorce, he always said “you can leave and go back to France (well sometimes he said he will put me in a plane for France until I told him that even if we were to divorce I’ll stay in Brazil) but our son will stay with me”. I often think that our son is more important that I to him. But it’s so funny cause even if our adoptive son was raised by him in Africa since he was 2 years old, he is now much more attached to me than him. But thanks for the book, I’ll try to buy it. Last one I read was “the excellent wife”. It did help me a lot.
            I know he has a lot of fortress to deal with. I have too but at least I’m aware of most of them and work by God’s grace to get rid of it.
            He comes from a very dysfunctional home: his father beat his mum, he was homosexual and her mum was unfaithful…… But we married three times in 2 weeks (twice in Canada and once in France in two weeks) and I believe it wasn’t a hazard. I waited 38 years old to get married and even if I didn’t know him the way I should have it wasn’t a mistake. But please pry for me

    2. Sonadewonderful,

      I’m glad this post was a blessing. I am praying for you!!!! And your husband. For God to break down the strongholds of the enemy and to set you both free from all of this pain and dysfunction and to help you both build your lives and marriage on His truth, His Spirit, and His power. 🙂

  9. Ladies, I need Godly wisdom and advise. I found out that my husband is looking up his ex girlfriend online. I confronted him about it and let him know how much this hurt me and why. Few months go by and I find out that he has pictures of her hidden away. I had already expressed to him that I didn’t think this was appropriate and that I would like for him to get rid of them. He only got rid of a few, but kept most of them. This ex girlfriend is a really sore issue for me because while we were dating he kept in contact with her and broke up with me once to seek her out. So I am very insecure about her still being an issue in our marriage. She is married now and she has never reached out to him. Yesterday I find that my husband was looking for her online again, found a picture of her on social media and reached out the a complete stranger (the person who posted the picture) and asked about his ex. I confronted him. I was so upset. He said he does this when we are having issues. I told him again why this hurts me, and that I don’t want to ever see or hear about her again. He said ok, but he’s said that in the past. He apologized today, but I don’t believe him. This isn’t the first or second or third offense. I want to disconnect from him emotionally. Is this wrong? How is a Godly wife supposed to react? I’m praying asking God for help. I need guidance I need to know how to act, what to say to him, how do I behave towards him while I sort through this mess? Please help.

    1. Karina,

      Oh, yikes!

      That is not okay. 🙁

      I can understand why you feel you can’t trust him. This is not a productive way to respond when there is tension in your marriage. Does he have a godly mentor? Do you have a godly mentor?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my precious sister?

      Is he a believer?

      Could you have a talk with him about things like:

      – how can we move toward each other instead of outside of the marriage when we are having problems?
      – I want to trust and respect you and be a safe place for you – what can I do to help meet these needs of yours?
      – I need to know that you aren’t going to turn to any other woman when you are upset. What would you be willing to do to show me that you are serious about rebuilding trust?
      – We both have things we need to work on here. I want to be sure I understand your perspective completely. You are not my enemy. I am not your enemy. Sin and Satan are our enemies. Let’s fight them together with God’s power.

      Also, please search my home page for:

      – confronting our husbands about their sin

      Much love!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: