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WorthyofLove Finally "Gets" Her Husband's Text Messages






Sometimes, our husbands don’t share that they are feeling disrespected or that we are sinning against them and we have no idea we have contributed to the problems in our marriages. But other times, they truly do clearly try to explain that they feel unloved, mistreated, and disrespected – and we just don’t hear what they are saying – until God opens our eyes and ears. One couple has allowed me to share some of a husband’s old text messages to his wife that she has only recently begun to understand. These are the words of a frustrated,  husband who was feeling discouraged, disrespected, and unloved and yet was trying to love and lead his wife in a godly way. His wife, we will call her, WorthyofLove, sees now that she was fighting his attempts to lead and to love her with disrespect and control:



Here we go – some of my husband’s old texts to me:


From Peacefulwife – This next quote is what happens to a man who feels very put down and disrespected by his wife, notice what begins to happen to his ability to lead and make wise decisions:

Do you realize how many times you reminded me about my mistakes? How else am I supposed to feel except rejected and hurt? It surely didn’t make me feel like a man. I keep second guessing myself.


When I read some of these (now) I am like, “Wow he couldn’t have been any more blatant!!!!!”

I honestly did not have a clue what he was trying to say to me. If anything, when he said these things I felt totally wronged and like I was the one trying to work on everything. But looking back, I WAS FOCUSED ON EVERYTHING EXCEPT GOD AND MY HUSBAND!!! I’m glad I can share these in hopes that other women might be able to pick up on anything their men might be trying to say.


“You can’t handle life so you’re dumping your crap all on my shoulders. That’s fine, I’ve had it dumped on me over and over. This is nothing new. Men obviously can’t deal with stuff anymore and women are the only ones who can keep it together while under serious pressure.”

This was my attitude!!! Sadly 🙁



Let’s slow down. Let’s really listen to what our husbands are trying to share with us. Perhaps they have important things to share that we need to hear. It is possible that God may even be trying to speak through them to us if we will listen. Yes, they have things to work on, too. But so do we. Let’s be willing to humble ourselves and look at any sin issues in our own lives. Let’s take what our husbands say, even if we feel upset about it at first, to God in prayer. Let’s ask God to help us discern, “Is this a legitimate issue? Is it a life-giving rebuke and godly wisdom? If so, help me embrace it. If it is not of You, then help me to not absorb it.”

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

                         – Proverbs 14:1

Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.

                 – Proverbs 9:8

I pray God will give us ears to hear so that we might build up our marriages, our husbands, and our children and not tear them down.

Much love!


I have some extra responsibilities on my plate today through Saturday – so if anyone feels led to reach out and share encouragement and godly wisdom that you have learned with someone who is commenting and may need some love, I would greatly appreciate my Titus 2 ladies reaching out this week. Y’all do an amazing job blessing, encouraging, sharing, praying for each other, and loving each other. I am so honored to get to see how the Spirit of God brings such love, unity, and support to this body of believers that gathers here.


Signs Your Husband Is Feeling Disrespected and Unloved

Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them – note, the things that really can upset husbands are things that often seem “small” or “insignificant” to us, but to them, these are big issues. We want our husbands to care about things that matter deeply to us even if our issues seem “small” in their eyes. Let’s give them the same level of consideration and compassion. And the added bonus, as we ask God to help us work on these things, we are getting rid of sin that God wants us to get rid of anyway. We will become more godly women.

23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again


131 thoughts on “WorthyofLove Finally "Gets" Her Husband's Text Messages

  1. Praise God that the couple is making amends. But I have to wonder how the husband could’ve been any more clear.

    1. Reggie,

      Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, describes that wives have “scales of disrespect” that “fall off of their eyes” at a certain point. I know that happened with me. This particular husband was VERY clear. But until God opened the wife’s eyes, she didn’t understand. Now she sees what he was saying and it was very obvious. But she couldn’t hear him before.

      We can be so blind sometimes that we don’t hear the truth or understand it. I’m so thankful that God is gracious and willing to open our eyes and not leave us this way.

      1. Peacefulwife:

        I’m certainly not suggesting that we men don’t have the same problem, and worse.

        I think that this may be some part of the frustration, “this” being different “languages.” We men truly think we’re being clear, yet our wives seemingly don’t have a clue as to what it is we’re trying to convey. Of course, we men aren’t always being clear, and of course our wives don’t always miss what we’re saying.

        It’s like I’ve told my kids for years when telling them to do this or that only to have them do “the other”: Am I talking Chinese? I mean, English IS your native language, isn’t it?”


        1. Reggie,

          We have such different perspectives as men and women, and we have absorbed so many wrong messages from our culture and the examples around us – we just are living in different paradigms sometimes and we don’t hear the heart message even when the other person is trying to communicate clearly.

          Now that God has opened my eyes, I can totally see what the husband was saying in his text messages. But could I have seen it before, I don’t know.

          God uses marriage to sanctify husbands and wives, and to help us stretch and learn about each other’s different worlds. I think it gives us a window into understanding our relationship with Christ so much more.

          Thanks for sharing!

    2. Reggie,
      Sadly, I was very caught up in MY SELF, what I wanted, what I needed, and I was not considering my husband at all or his feelings. I was unknowingly saying disrespectful things, thinking them, and acting very disrespectful with my voice, expressions, attitudes, etc. I truly believed that I had to pick up all his mistakes and that I knew so much better and that I would never make the mistakes he made because I was just so much more responsible than him. I was fooled, and full of pride. But by THE GRACE OF GOD ALONE, He MIRACULOUSLY opened my eyes to what I was doing, by leading me to April’s blog, and then later, through reading these old texts from 6 months prior to the eye opening, my eyes were even more opened and I saw just SO CLEARLY what I had done to him for the first year and a half of our 2 year marriage. I am blessed that it has been brought to my attention through God at the beginning of our marriage, and I am hopeful that God will continue to grow us in the right direction. 🙂


      1. Amanda,

        You are describing myself before God opened my eyes, too. I didn’t know what Greg’s feelings were. I had no idea he was hurt. I thought he had no feelings. I thought I knew best. I only had one perspective that I believed was right – mine. 🙁

        So thankful for what He has done for both of us!

  2. I am visiting my 82 year old father and asked him what a husband needs in a wife and to sum it up he did they need to know that after God they are number one. They don’t want to feel that they are way down in line after the children, mother, friends, etc. It made me wonder where my husband would place himself if he were asked how important he thinks he is to me.

  3. Wow. I definitely needed to read this today. As I haven’t spoken to my husband in a few days because I have felt wronged because he is not behaving as I want him to behave. I have received some of the same text messages from him. On Monday I told myself that I needed to take a time out to focus on my relationship with God because I honestly was mad at God because of all the emotions I was feeling and for not getting the type of husband that “I Wanted”. I really need to look inwards at myself and how I am reacting. I blow up for everything and if things are done in my OCD type A way. This is so hard but I am going to do my best to get better at this walk. Prayers please and Thank you!

    1. chermylife,

      I’m so glad that you realized you needed to focus on your relationship with God. And I am so thankful that you are willing to humbly look at yourself and your reactions. That is awesome! WOOHOO!

      When we are feeling upset with our husbands, it is important for us to examine our motives and our desires. Why are we upset? Are they truly sinning against us? Or is it possible we have unrealistic expectations, or that we could be being controlling, or that our husbands may just have a different way of doing things – but maybe their way is not wrong? It is crucial that we stop and allow God to help us see any pride, self-righteousness, disrespect, control, idols, resentment/bitterness/unforgiveness in our own hearts and to get rid of every speck of sin.

      Then we can abide in Christ and have His power more and more filling us up and empowering us to be the godly women He wants us to be no matter what our husbands are or are not doing.

      Some posts that may be a blessing:

      I Am Responsible for My Emotions
      I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually
      Are We Responsible for Our Spouse’s Happiness?
      How Satan Would Love to Destroy Your Marriage Through Your Thought Life
      Unhealthy VS Healthy Relationships
      Submission to Christ Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely

      You may also search my home page for:

      – idol husband
      – control
      – fear

      Much love to you!!!! Let me know how you are doing! 🙂

    2. Chermylife,
      PRAISE GOD! He is working in your heart, and His spirit is revealing to you some things today that are definitely worth considering. It is a MIRACLE when God opens our eyes this way! I know exactly how you feel when you say that you have felt wronged by your husband and that you have perhaps backed off with a cold shoulder because of it.

      When my eyes were opened, I felt so vile, and at the same time, SO BLESSED, because of God’s grace. I finally saw what my husband was saying to me, and I was truly sorrowful in a godly way. and it has lead to us reconciling in many ways, and it has also helped us to start moving in the direction God wants for our marriage.

      We still have much much more to work on, and April has opened my eyes further to see that this process is a JOURNEY….. not a sprint race 🙂 But this place you are at, at seeing what might be going on inwardly, and how it is affecting your husband, is the best place to start! Hallelujah! I am so happy for you and pray God leads you on from here into all he has planned for you and your marriage!


  4. Ken and I decided years ago that he would let me know when I had disrespected him in any way. If my tone, facial expression, or words were disrespectful to him at all, he would point it out to me since I was so unaware and needed his help. It has helped so much since it’s been a long time since he has had to tell me. He also helped me figure out when a conversation turned into arguing since I no longer wanted to argue with him since I knew this was coming from a lack of submission towards him. I had to first repent to him of my lack of respect to him and then I had to ask for his help. It has been the best thing for our marriage!

  5. Oh, amen to this post! Sometimes we just don’t have the eyes to see what is right in front of us. I remember being quite surprised by the idea that I could hurt my husband, that he had feelings. It sounds rather silly today, but men can be a bit rough around the edges, tough on the outside, so it didn’t occur to me that I could wear him down emotionally, that my words mattered. Our hearts have to be soft in order to be able to hear what is being said.

    1. insanitybytes22,

      I eventually truly believed Greg didn’t have feelings and couldn’t be hurt by anything I said, too. It sounds awful now, but he seemed so stoic and unresponsive, that was my conclusion. Boy, was I wrong!

  6. I ignored all the efforts my husband made to tell me how he felt about our marriage and life. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, I couldn’t see what I was doing.

    Now he tells me that it is too late for our marriage and that I am too late trying to get help for us. I am completely heart broken. However, I won’t give up.

    God please change my husbands heart that has become hard. He will not let me through his walls.

    1. Hi Hope Always,

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through. 🙁 I think it is good that you are not willing to give up. Your husband seems to recognize that you are trying – this is a first step! I pray that you will find your comfort in Christ in this difficult time and that you will find strength and patience in Him and that He will help you be overflowing with the gifts of the Spirit.

      Much love,

        1. I am so sad…my husband continues to belive that I am not trustworthy and have done too much damage to our marriage. He refuses to work on healing. He bought a camper and is moving out. This morning he told me that it is too painful to be in the same house as me and that he has stopped caring about anything. He wants to do a split shift…I think he means who lives in the house or who is in the house. He can’t stand to be in the house when I am here.

          I think there is something going on with him mentally. My therapist thinks he is clinically depressed and on the bipolar spectrum. She is encouraging me to see him as someone who is sick and not in any type of treatment.

          All I know is that I am swallowed up in grief and I do not want my marriage to end.

          1. HopeAlways,
            I am so sorry to hear this is the situation at hand. I am grieving with you, Sister. Is your husband a Christian? This is a desert time, where God is leading you out and drawing you in to Himself because there is no other hope. He is Faithful, and He will come in proportion to your need, and comfort you in this time!

            I am praying that God will work in your husband’s heart to lead him to true restoration and that God will speak to him while he is separated and alone.

            One thing I’ve learned—the devil is out to arrange for each of us to be “abandoned”…since it is a woman’s deepest fear (usually)…..and then he likes to reinforce the idea anytime we seem to be abandoned.

            Don’t let him fool you Sister—- b/c GOD HAS SAID, THAT HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US!! He is our help!

            I am praying for you! Strengthen yourself in the Lord!


          2. Hope Always,

            If your husband is truly dealing with a mental illness like bi-polar disorder, there is no reasoning with him. There is no fixing it by being “good enough” for him. If you are able to step back a bit and see things more objectively, that may help your own sanity. Be sure to check anything he says about you against God’s Word. Don’t receive anything from him that is not of God, my dear sister.

            Do you think he might be willing to reach out for help for himself? Does he have a godly man he respects who might be willing to talk with him?

            What is your counselor suggesting you do, other than to realize he is not well?

            Mental illness is very tough. But it does not mean the marriage has to end. As a pharmacist and as a Christian – I have seen many people healed through medication but also through prayer and faith in Christ.

            Your job is to be the woman and wife God calls you to be and to reach out for the help and support you need – first through Jesus, then through other people and the Body. We will pray that God might open your husband’s eyes to his need to reach out for help for himself if that is the situation. He may need spiritual and medical help.

            I’m so glad you don’t want your marriage to end, my sweet sister. Let’s pray for God’s provision for your family, for your husband’s healing, for your wisdom, for your own spiritual growth in this very fiery trial.

            Praying for this mess to become something unimaginably beautiful in God’s hands.

            Sending you a huge hug!

            Much love!


    2. When my first wife (she passed away a few years back) and I would be at odds, there was, as is the case with any couple, distance. And I don’t mean just sexual distance. I mean the lack of emotional and physical intimacy that, day after day, fills each others “love bank.” Those little things that bring such warmth to our hearts; that make us physically tingle; that puts a spring in our step and lifts the corner of our mouth – a “sorta smile”: a glance, a note, a text; a passing whiff of a favorite cologne/perfume; a special something…we all know about these things.

      Anyway, one thing that I came to want from my wife when we were in these times was a soft approach which, in my case, was usually a touch. A touch that didn’t ask anything of me. A touch that simply told me that I’m special to her, she loves me and that she wants to work this out.

      I’m sure this is not news to you, but we husbands WANT our wives. That’s why it hurts so much. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt.

      Gentleness, meekness and a soft approach, I think, can and do bring down our walls, thank GOD.

      1. Reggie,

        I love this! Thank you so much for sharing a husband’s perspective about what helped you to soften. I love that, “A touch that didn’t ask anything of me. A touch that simply told me that I’m special to her, she loves me, and that she wants to work this out.”
        Hmm.. if one touch can tell a man all of that, no wonder husbands may not need so many words! 🙂

        Your insights are such a blessing, my brother!

        1. I continue to read the posts, but have refrained from commenting. I can easily talk too much. 🙂

          My heart breaks for you wives who are in such a dark place, and for your husbands who, on the other side of the marriage, are similarly exhausted emotionally.

          I praise God for His grace and mercy in your lives to have brought awareness, knowledge and change. Even emotionally exhausted husbands can and do see sincere, deep and real change, and do respond favorably to that.

          As others have written, there IS always hope.

          I am praying for you all.

    3. Hope Always,

      I am so sorry to hear about this, my dear sister! I praise God that He has opened your eyes! I am really glad you aren’t giving up. I do think we may need to give our men some space sometimes, and of course, respect their feelings. But – I have seen God heal wives and then slowly heal husbands and marriages, in time. We are having a discussion about this very thing on Monday’s post.

      I also have this post that may be a blessing, “When Your Husband Says, ‘I’m Done.'””

      How are you doing spiritually? Do you want to talk about things together?

      Praying for you to continue to abide in Christ and to allow Him to change you. Seek Him and become the woman He longs for you to be by His power. Rest in Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Sing to Him. Trust Him wholeheartedly.

      Much love to you!

    4. As a man, I can tell you that your efforts to “fix” the situation will just seem to be control and manipulation of a different type.

      This is your season to prove that your new-found humility is real, not to try and patch up years of disrespect and judgment toward him.

      To the other women responding to this comment, why is there such an automatic assumption that this man needs to “grow”?

      Perhaps when someone has been bludgeoned by a woman’s words long enough, they simply need to be away from their tormentor.

      This is a sign of a man who has finally found some healthy self-respect, not a sign of a man with “issues”.

      1. Jack,

        Thank you for your masculine perspective. I can certainly understand that a husband would need time and space to heal – and that he would need to see very different behavior over a long period of time before he feels safe again in a situation where he felt very disrespected and mistreated.

        1. So to the husband that won’t wait anymore for his wife’s slow…but steady..heart change, behavior change, wanting to be a Godly wife in everyway…what do we say to that husband who feels the best option is to divorce.

          What to we say to me the wife….who has heard God speak clearly to pray for her husband and for her marriage and to not give up hope.

          How do wives like me treat our husband’s who hate us as a wife? I have heard many time from him..” I love you as a person, that’s it. Our marriage is just a piece of paper, and has been for years. I can’t tell you how much pain of am in.”

          What’s I do know is that God has promised me that I am forgiven and free as far as the east is to the west…and I have no influence over what my husband does. I have been encouraged to love him unconditionally through this.

          1. I am in such grief as my son is graduating in June, if he files for divorce I won’t be able to keep our home of 24 years because of the expense. I am projecting the worse outcome

            1. Hope Always,

              If that happens, God will be with you and you will pray and God will provide a place for you. Not only that, but even if the worst case scenario happens, God is still sovereign and is still able to make something beautiful from this mess.

              You have seen the post for those who are in the trenches, I think? That will be your path, if you are willing to take it.

              Much love to you! Praying for you to cling to Christ and to allow Him to use this time to help you grow and mature in your faith for His glory!

              1. Thank you to responding to both of my replys….I am going to print them out and continue to pray and ask Jesus to help me through this. I know Jesus weeps with all of us. He weeps for me. He weeps for my husband. He weeps for my boys.

              2. Hope Always,

                He does weep with you. And He is already ahead of you, making something beautiful of your life. He has the ability to turn our big messes into something glorious. “Weeping lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” This is not the final chapter. Focus on your own spiritual healing and allowing God to have the space He needs to work on your husband. Then, as you both heal, you may have a chance to rebuild things in time, when your husband is feeling ready. This will require great patience, but God’s Spirit can give that to you. 🙂

              3. April and HopeAlways,

                I just shared with our Sister Tina this free book from old online called “Night of Weeping: Why God’s children Suffer”


                God used this book last year to open my eyes to a lot of things that we go through in order for God to discipline and chasten us—not due to rebellion—but in order to produce the peacable fruits of righteousness!!!

                I just felt it was fitting for the conversation at hand! I pray HopeAlways especially might be blessed with it if she decides to take a look!

                Love to both,

          2. Hope Always,

            I Corinthians 7 says that if an unbelieving husband wants to leave, let him leave. Then the wife continues to seek God wholeheartedly and to allow Him to transform her and she prays for healing for herself, her husband, and her marriage.

            Your husband sounds like he is hurting on an extremely deep level right now. I think of it like he is so spiritually wounded that he is in the ICU and needs to be on a ventilator. If he were physically in that kind of shape, you would be understanding and gracious about that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to do. Right now, the priority is to get you both spiritually healed. He can’t meet your needs. He can’t love the way you want him to love you. He is telling you that he is not okay. First, we must stop the hemorrhaging. He may need space and time alone to be able to heal. You may need space and time alone to be able to heal and to allow God to change you.

            You focus on being the wife God calls you to be. You be obedient to God from now on. Seek Him above all else. This is really about your walk with Jesus much more than it is about your marriage. Right now, your husband can’t trust you yet and can’t hear spiritual things from you. So you are going to show him (1 Peter 3:1-2) style, from a distance, if necessary, that God is changing you and that you are a safe person for him to be around. This is going to take a really long time. You don’t have a guarantee he will come back to you. But if he is going to come back – it will be as you submit fully to Christ and allow Him to transform and regenerate your heart and soul, getting rid of all the sin in your life, and allowing His Spirit to fill you to overflowing. The primary goal is to be obedient to Jesus and to please Him. You may have to let your husband go. You can’t make him stay or force him to want to be there. But you can show him the new heart and mind God is forming in you by your attitude, your peace in Jesus, your joy, your respect, and your willingness to become the wife God wants you to be. Not so that your husband will change, but so that God will be pleased.

            This is going to be painful. Really painful. But – it is necessary for any chance of healing on both sides for you to be able to trust your husband to God, even if your husband leaves. You will not be alone, because Jesus has promised never to leave you and never to forsake you, my dear sister.

            Yes, God views your sins as being gone now, washed away. But there are earthly consequences of sin sometimes. Trust will have to be painstakingly rebuilt. That will take a lot of time. But it is worth it to give your husband the space and time he needs to heal and to patiently wait.
            Much love to you!

            1. “I might lose my house”.

              While I understand the sentiment, people are more valuable than houses. If you are trying to rush the “healing”, I suspect he knows that.

              Sometimes we have to pay for our sin with real-world consequences. It is not really repentance if it is self-preservation. This is a person to whom you have pledged yourself before the Lord.

              Why won’t he just “get over it and get grip…”, right?

              When you are more concerned with a deeply wounded human soul than preserving a comfortable lifestyle, then you may see better results.

              Yeah, he is probably not reading this, but men are more perceptive than you think. He knows when you really care.

              1. Jack..sadly my husband made it clear tonight …again..that I hurt him profoundly..and he will never trust me again..that’s the bottom line…he is done with our marriage and uses my mistakes and brokenness to justify why he doing what he is doing.

                There isn’t any more that I can do. Prayer is all I have left.

                He left tonight telling me that he will sue me for divorce. He feels that divorce is the best option to protect himself from me…there is not much else I can do.

                I am profoundly saddened that I hurt him through my disrespectful behaviors and emotionally cutting him off. I had no idea what I was doing…but I always had such angst in my soul during the dark period of our marriage. It is very very dark now.

                I will never give up hope. My h. gets so mad when I say that I will continue to pray and stay hopeful..

              2. Hope Always,

                Yuck. 🙁 So much pain on both sides. It breaks my heart!

                Please keep in mind – you can respect your husband’s feelings. He is extremely wounded. You can give him space and cooperate with him if he wants to leave and not try to make him stay. But your husband is not sovereign and he doesn’t know the ending of this story. God is sovereign. I have seen God heal situations very similar to this. You can’t fix it. I can’t fix it. Your husband can’t fix it. But as you focus on allowing God to transform you and you trust your husband to God – and I pray with you for God to heal your husband – we will trust God with the outcome. God is able to make something beautiful from this mess. Neither of you are beyond His reach.

                Sending you the biggest hug!

                Sisters (and brothers),
                Let’s surround this extremely wounded and hurting couple and family with prayer for God’s healing and glory in His timing.

              3. Hope Always,

                It may be best not to verbalize your hope in God and your prayer for the marriage right now. To him, that may actually feel disrespectful, like you are dismissing his feelings and woundedness. But you can continue to have hope in Christ. You can graciously, respectfully honor what he believes he needs to do for his spiritual and mental health. You can take this time to be a “boot camp” for you to work on your walk with Christ and to allow Him to transform and heal you. God can reach your husband much more effectively and powerfully than you can. Sometimes, it takes us getting out of His way for our husbands to begin to hear His voice again.

                Think of this as a big step toward God for you and a big step toward healing. You can give your husband the gift of space right now. (You are welcome to search my home page for “space” and “peaceful separated wife.”)

      2. Jack..I think my husband has found healthy self respect and as he has said ” has drawn the line” years ago. I am learning healthy self respect as well as I dig deep to the root of my brokenness and make efforts to change. The change has to be for me because I have no influ3nce whether he stays or goes and it looks like he is leaving our marriage.

        1. That will be on him then. In my view. separation is Biblical, but Divorce and remarriage is not, in most cases.

          Despite my incredibly harsh reputation, my inner heart breaks for both of you.

          Not everyone will accept this comparison, but I want you to carefully consider something. Consider a woman who has been physically battered for years. At some point, perhaps there is too much damage and pain to believe that restoration can come from that relationship. I can place myself in the shoes of a man who is so emasculated, so humiliated, and so despairing of ever seeing himself as loved and worthy that he will look for a loving female energy anywhere that he can find it.

          There are women in my life that so disrespected and wounded me that I don’t think I could ever have a relationship with them, and this is not a “lack of forgiveness”. It is that I cannot ever see myself as worthy in their eyes, because for too long they told me I was worthless. It is just a closed door.

          I think that it is worthwhile to consider something – there is nothing more peaceful to the soul that knowing that one is right with God. And close behind that is knowing that those we love are cared for and safe. There are few parents who would not sacrifice their health, safety, and even their lives for their children. This then is the test of Biblical love. Christ loved us more than he loved His own comfort, safety, or dignity.

          I fully know and understand the hurt of a man who is absolutely malnourished when it comes to the vital receiving of peaceful, loving, female affection. Deprived long enough of one of the only things that truly matters to a man, can we really blame him for erring?

          If we starve a man until he is crazed with hunger, are we not partially to blame when he steals bread?

          1. Jack,


            Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this. I hurt with you and can feel so much pain in your words. But I love seeing what God is doing in your soul. Thank you for sharing about how there is nothing more peaceful to the soul than knowing one is right with God. 🙂 LOVE that!

            I appreciate the window into a masculine perspective here.

            I pray for God’s healing for our brothers in Christ who have been so deeply wounded like this. And for healing in our marriages, churches, and relationships that we might all treat each other in ways that honor Christ in the Body. That we would not hurt each other but build one another up in His love with mutual honor and respect.

  7. My first thought upon reading this was, “Wow! This husband talks a LOT.” Which isn’t a bad thing. But my husband is a man of few words. I could text him three paragraphs and he will write back “ok”. Or maybe “talk to you later, love you” (that would be a long text from my husband). Of course, we are in our early 40s, so texting isn’t really a big thing for us like it would be for younger men.

    Anyway, my husband doesn’t even talk this much out loud. We’ve been working on communicating for a couple years, and he is finally opening up. This wife is blessed that her husband was able to share so many of his thoughts openly.

    I’ve also learned that in order for my husband to communicate, I need to BE QUIET. Hard for me!! But I have learned (finally) that my rapid-fire way of communicating is not conducive to getting him to open up. I am usually three thoughts ahead and I seldom have to search for words. They just roll off my tongue (and this is NOT always a good thing). I am learning to relax, hold my tongue until he’s finished, and listen. It is making a huge difference. Otherwise I’d not absorb what he was saying, and he’d shut down and turn me off.

    Thank you for sharing your husbands thoughts. I imagine my husband has had many of those same thoughts, he is just much less likely to express them out loud. It’s a lot to ponder!

    1. Hi Becca,

      Yayyy, that’s awesome!! I’m so happy for you! I praise God for what He is doing in your marriage. 🙂

      Much love,

    2. I have the same rapid fire issue….. its soo hard for me. But my husband shuts down when I do that and that is even more frustrating…. im trying to change my ways…..

      1. Becca and chermylife,

        I had the same issue! Surprise! 🙂 My husband would shut down, too. Shaunti Feldhahn talks about this in For Women Only and how many of the men she surveyed get overwhelmed with too many words coming too quickly, especially if they are very highly charged emotional words. Men can feel like they are drowning in an ocean and need to look for shore. As we slow down our communication, and leave space sometimes, and as we decrease the emotional intensity and volume – they can often hear us and feel more safe with us. 🙂

        Also, perhaps your husbands are introverts like mine is – sometimes too much talking can be exhausting and draining for an introvert. It’s such a gift to learn what our husbands need and to learn how to bless them in the ways that are the most meaningful to them, even if their needs are very different (or even the opposite) of ours.

        Much love!

        1. Maybe other wives have experienced this: the husband comes home from work and barely 10 seconds in he is inundated (a subjective word, for sure…lol) with … well … life.

          I think what April is suggesting immediately above is the verbal equivalent of this.

          Think of it like this (perhaps): the husband is drowning in a sea of anger, frustration, exhaustion, etc., and he comes home and someone throws him an anvil.

          Ummm…yeah. Probably NOT the best approach. 😉

          1. Reggie,

            This is a great point! I know when I come home from work, what I most appreciate is a bunch of smiles and hugs and a “Welcome home!” When I began this journey, one thing I eventually decided to do was to try to make the time when Greg got home less stressful and more warm and welcoming. I had the kids pick up their toys. I asked them not to demand anything or share any problems with Daddy until after supper. We all tried to stop what we were doing and greet him with a smile and a, “Welcome Home, Daddy/Honey!” I tried to have supper about ready – but to give him a few minutes to relax a bit by himself. It really made a big difference to him. 🙂

            I think as women, sometimes men just seem so big and strong and tough – we don’t realize the pressures they may be facing or how much power we have to add a ton of weight that could be too much, at times.

            Thank you for sharing!

            1. I just recently found your blog & so far I’m loving it, it has been an eye opener for this OCD control freak, BUT, yes there is a but & it could just be from my lack of knowledge, as I said this is all very new to me. I understand taking care of your husband & I understand your husband making you aware you’ve been disrespectful or had a tone/attitude in your voice or a funky facial expression (I have learned to keep quiet, but my facial expressions say it for me).

              So what’s the protocol when your the one who needs a break after work to decompress? (My husband & I both work, I’m usually home 1st so I am the one who gets to walk in to the house of teenage drama, start cooking & doing house stuff, I rarely get to relax or decompress, unless I’m hiding in the bathroom or going to bed). What happens when your husband says something with a tone in his voice or is short with you, what then? Are we not allowed to voice our hurts when we feel disrespected? I’m in no way trying to be argumentative or condescending, I really wholeheartedly am very curious because I want/need to know. Thank you for an awesome blog, I’m enjoying it and learning a lot of things I never knew before at the age of 40.

              1. B.,

                It is awesome to meet you, my dear sister! Ha! I think you and I may have a lot of similar personality traits, it sounds like. I am sure God has brought you here. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you!

                You definitely DO have a voice! But – you will learn a different approach that is much easier and more effective than the things I used to do.

                You can say to your family and husband, “I’d really love to have about 15 minutes to myself when I first get home just to decompress and transition to loving, warm, wife and mom. That would be such a blessing to me. Thanks!”

                If your husband says something short, you can simply say, “Ouch.” (Laura Doyle suggests this in The Surrendered Wife, which was a very helpful book to me, but is not necessarily Christian. Please always compare anything anyone says to Scripture.)

                You may also search my home page for:

                – confronting our husbands about their sins
                – conflict
                – lose my voice
                – second class citizen
                – the pendulum effect
                – 25 ways to respect myself

                It’s so great that you are here! What an honor to get to walk this journey with you. 🙂

                Much love,

              2. Could you recommend a good bible study or direct me as to where to go to find one? I’ve looked & have to find what I’m looking for, thanks in advance.
                God Bless

  8. One other thing, if I may.

    Maybe I’m an anomaly, but I can’t say that I always knew what my wife’s disrespect looked like to me. Does that make sense?

    My point is this: your husband may not actually use the word “disrespect” when trying to describe how he feels. But don’t let that stop you from considering that that’s exactly what’s happening.

    Just my thoughts.

    1. Reggie,

      For many years I didn’t even know men thought in terms of respect or disrespect. I never used that word except when thinking how you treat someone older.

      At one point in my marriage when I was incredibly angry and frustrated, I said the worse thing I have ever said to my husband, “I wish we’d never gotten married!”

      I knew it was really awful the moment I finished saying it, but his angry reply left me completely baffled. He said, “That is the most DISRESPECTFUL thing you have EVER said to me!!”

      Sadly, you know what was going on in my head?? I was thinking to myself, “What a weird thing to say. Why of all things, would he say such a meaningless response to that??!” Sure, I knew I sounded “hateful” but I had no idea what “disrespectful” meant. It was the first time I’d heard him use it to describe me. I honestly thought it was just weird.

      After reading “Love and Respect” a long time later, I had that “aha moment”. Suddenly, all the things he had said over the years began to make sense. I just expected him to think like me. So sad I didn’t know any better and was so self-focused.

      1. J,

        I know many of the ladies can totally relate to this. Thank you very much for sharing! I know it is hard for our brothers in Christ and husbands to imagine that we can’t see what is disrespectful – and they feel we should just suddenly “get it” and understand it all. But it took a few years of emotional and spiritual contortion before I became more fluent – by God’s grace!!

        1. Maybe it would help them to understand that we feel the same way in many ways. It is hard, as wives/sisters-in-Christ, to see that our husbands seem to not be able to understand our need to be “lived with in understanding” (1 Peter), to be cherished and to have our hearts held tenderly and cared for. I know your blog isn’t meant to teach husbands; I’m just trying to put a perspective out there that maybe some husbands need to read. Sometimes, a wife is doing all she can to help the marriage and, while she may not be a perfect 10 or functioning at 100% of showing respect, she is trying and her heart is there….and to not have any reciprocation of learning her needs can feel extremely disheartening and at times, devastating. Even if she’s not doing all she can, it doesn’t ever excuse the one party that is aware of what they are called to in their role in a marriage to not work on their part, especially as a believer in Christ.

    2. Reggie,

      This does make sense!

      Greg wasn’t able to articulate what was disrespectful to him for a long time. But ladies, we can often recognize that if our men suddenly shut down or get angry “out of nowhere” that we may need to check what we just did or ask gently if we just did something that felt disrespectful.

      Love this!!!! We appreciate a masculine perspective here.

  9. “I’ve been hearing since I married you how much I don’t love you – and all I do is take care of you and your son.”

    Wow. That is one hurt husband.

    1. Reggie,
      Yes my husband was very very hurt, but by THE GRACE OF GOD, he did not give up on me or our marriage, and even though he withdrew emotionally from me, and even though I couldn’t see what I was doing yet, here we are, working things out. I am also in no way suggesting that my husband was a perfect saint 100%. Even he would admit that he has his own issues God is working on in him, and it was by no means all me. It was both of us, both wounded, both hurting, both using the wrong words, etc. But this post is just from my side of the relationship, and how I am responsible for my OWN behaviors, words, choices, feelings, etc. regardless of what my husband was doing, saying, etc. He left my son and I 1300 miles away to work because he quit his awful job. At that time, I felt completely rejected, unloved, unwanted, and I felt as though he was leaving me behind on purpose just to get away from me. Which was probably true to some degree because of all the unknown disrespect I was heaping onto him for a year and a half!

      Either way, I can not justify how I responded.

      Clearly I had my husband as an idol at that time, and all I was focused on was what I WANTED, my feelings, me needs, my desires, and it was very wrong. I was not aware of my sin, I was blind. But thanks be to GOD, now I can see!!!!!! He opened my eyes, and He is working in my heart and life and my husbands heart and life, and I am so grateful that He opened my eyes only 2 years into marriage, instead of any other amount of years added onto it. I am truly blessed and grateful for God’s grace and mercy. 🙂

      1. Amanda,

        It seems to me that God’s desire for us as married couples is clearly demonstrated in the growth and learning He allows us to have. Such growth and learning in your marriage is a very exciting event! 🙂

        God truly is kind.

        1. Yes, there is hope. And I am finding that God is intervening more and more quickly when I start to put my husband up as an idol again, or anything else.

          I am learning first hand now that God will NOT allow any competition in our hearts…… And it is practically a guarantee that if I begin to idolize my husband, our marriage, ppl pleasing, control, or self again, then my husband will immediately withdraw from me and I am right back to where I started. alone, upset, feeling pretty bad. And as much as I want to change, want my husband to change, want our marriage to be “good”…..I am seeing that I can do nothing. I am powerless without GOD working in me to WILL AND TO DO of His good pleasure!!!!

          And most importantly, I am seeing now for the first time, with the eyes of my heart, that this journey is really not about MY MARRIAGE OR HUSBAND at ALL! It is about God changing me and my heart to worhsip God and to Obey Him and please Him!!!!

          I admit, when I first found your site and God opened my eyes and I began to really trust God and saw Him working in me, it took a few months, but my true motives were exposed when things did not really pan out as I would have liked….. and I was immediately devastated….

          But it is coming down to THIS:

          -I can either Trust God completely, letting go of all control, my own ways, all my desires for a good marriage, etc….I can trust God to deal with my husband and work in Him, and totally trust God for the outcome, whether my husband ever truly changes or not, whether he one day decides to leave, or whether he ever does anything I desire or not..I have to decide, Will I TRUST GOD WITH EVERYTHING?


          -I can continue to try to make things happen how I want, only losing more and more of my intimacy with my husband, and push him so far away that only a miracle could save the relationship, if at all. And not only that, I will be far from God, sinning, living in the flesh, and miserable!

          Hmmmm….I think the choice is CLEAR! 🙂


          I pray that God opens the eyes of all of our hearts, that we may see that HE ALONE IS WORTHY!!! And that we may TRUST IN HIM with all of our hearts! In the Name of Jesus! Amen


          1. Amanda,

            What God is showing you is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

            YES!! You are getting it!

            I would also love to share this comment as a post, please. 🙂 Ha!

            Much love,

            1. April,
              please do! God is seriously raining down on me these days and I am cherishing these nuggets of truth!! 🙂 I pray each and every one who is seeking Him will find Him and see with the eyes of their hearts that He alone is worthy and able to satisfy all our deepest longings and needs for Love!! God bless all! 🙂


  10. Thank you for sharing this today. I have realized somethings and know I need to work harder in understanding my husband. Sometimes he is so short and rude in his txt and he sets me off and then I just go off on him. I have been going through so much in my marriage and I want God to be the center and for my marriage to be healed and It seems like it has not changed. I will use what you shared today and work on it.

    1. Shayshaysmom…I want so much from my marriage..I desperately want healing with a husband who wants nothing to do with our marriage. The ONLY way change is going to happen is when I change for myself only. I am learning how to rely on God.

    2. ShayShaysmom,

      Gary Thomas who wrote Sacred Marriage says, “We are never more tempted to sin than when we are sinned against.” So true! We may justify our sin, but God does not. Thankfully, God can empower us to respond without sin even if we are being wronged.

      If you want to talk about what is going on, I’m here.

      Much love to you! I pray for you to allow God to give you the power you need to become more and more the woman He calls you to be for His glory! 🙂

  11. Just wanted to say that this has been a good read for me, even as an old, single guy. Maybe we old dogs can learn new tricks. 😉

  12. Hi Tina.
    My also told me a year ago he wanted a divorce. I told him that I was not ready to “pull the plug” on our marriage. Like if our daughter got into crash and was on life support. This put it in a different perspective for him. He knew I wasn’t done and saw me trying. I prayed and read and respected and this blog helped me in doing the above. God answered my prayers and we are still married. Things are not perfect. The line from this blog hit home ” You think you can act any kind of way and do it again and again and it not affect the way I feel toward you?? That’s where we’re at and God has been sooooo faithful in taking care of me all the time. Look to Jesus. He’s the lover of your soul and working behind the scenes when we don’t even see it. Saying a prayer for u today Tina:)

    1. Carla,

      LOVE this! What a powerful way to illustrate that you didn’t want to throw away this marriage and wanted to save and heal it. That is beautiful!

      Thank you so much for sharing!

    2. Carla,
      Thank you so much! I read every comment to try and glean hope and strength! My husband is not himself. He is very bitter and angry. He keeps saying I’m going to be single, he’s not coming home. He has moved out and he does not see me. When he does text me it’s just not good. All of you sweet sisters sharing your stories (and even Reggie) really do give me hope! So very thankful for all of you and April.

      1. Tina,

        I pray that God might draw your husband to Himself. He sounds very broken and down. Perhaps God has a plan about how to reach him with y’all being apart that would be even more effective than if you were together? Sometimes being alone can help people hear His voice better – and see themselves better.

        I pray you can continue to focus on becoming the woman and wife and mom God calls you to be – and that God might give you His vision, love, perspective, and heart for your husband more and more.

        I pray you will use this time to grow by leaps and bounds during this time of serious “pruning” and that you will be able to hear God’s voice clearly and trust everything to Him completely.

        Much love, my dear sister!

        1. April,
          Thank you so much. He is angry and moving forward with his future and that scares me. I did retain counsel because of the situation with the house. I want to build our home back for my girls and myself. I can’t make him love me or come back. I see now it will only be by the grace of God. I pray God will show him. I am searching for a Christian counselor so I can continue to walk the right direction. In the past week God has sent 3 angels to me. My counsel is a Christian as is her assistant! God does work in mysterious ways and I am so thankful! Thanks to all the sweet sisters who took the time to write to me! Love to all!

          1. Tina,

            Yes, we will pray together for God to work in him. And we will focus on what God desires to do in you and your children and pray for God’s wisdom, direction, power, joy, peace, and glory in your life as you seek Him wholeheartedly, my dear sister! It sounds to me like you are on the right road. I pray God will bring your husband to Himself. He needs Christ! We all do – most desperately. I thank and praise God for what He has in store for you and your family and that He can make this mess into something very beautiful and powerful that brings honor to His Name.

            Sending you a huge hug!

      2. Tina,
        I just want to give you some hope and encouragement, but REGARDLESS of what happens in your situation, Know that GOD is calling YOU to love him THE MOST! and he longs to satisfy your heart in every way you could ever dream!!!! 🙂

        For the first year and half of my 2 year marriage, my husband has packed up his belongings and left me more than I can count on both hands. I always assumed it was because he didn’t really love me, or that he just didn’t want a wife and he just made a mistake in marrying me, or ANYTHING other than maybe he was seriously hurt from all my disrespect.

        I am not justifying his behavior, but now I see God using my pains to share hope with You:)

        My husband never actually “moved out”, he mostly packed up and left in a last attempt to gain control of the situation and plainly tell me he was not going to put up with my domineering, controlling, disrespectful behavior. Of course I never actually knew that was causing such issues, But praise God I see now!

        But I will tell you this. The very last time my husband picked up and left (within the past 2 months), He really left again, and traveled 1300 miles away to stay with his family b/c he got laid off from his job and things were not ok between us. This time, though, he was telling me he wanted to divorce me and I honestly believed him.

        And I completely lost it. I was soooo devastated, like I was freaking out. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t manipulate him to come home. He was finished. And just as the storms in the ocean cast up in the waves the mud a mire…this storm cast up alllllllll the filth that was truly living in my heart that remained hidden by the calmness of sunny days and no storms!

        At one point, I got a grip…well God got a grip on me, and I surrendered it all to Him.I decided that freaking out and trying to control/manipulate was not working, only driving him further and further and further away. So I just stopped. I told my husband I was sorry, and that I was leaving it in Gods hands. And it was his decision what he wanted to do. If he wanted to stay away for a while, or come home, whatever he decided I couldn’t do anyting except trust God. And I sought God through that time and I found him. Yes I did.

        My husband didn’t even reach his destination before God SERIOUSLY convicted him…like my husband was crying, he saw alll the hurts he did to me, he felt so low, so vile. He was truly hurting at the sight of his own heart,life,behavior. And he apologized and sought forgiveness, counsel, etc.

        And he stayed to visit his family for a week, and he came back home. And ever since we have been seeking counseling and allowing God to work in us. My husband has been focusing on God and he has been truly changing. I had a few bumps but it was only because I put my husband back up as an idol, and just recently my husband has been pulling away because of it.

        But now I SEE (if you read my comments on this post) I see that I CAN NOT seek to please my husband, it will never work to change anything.

        SEEK GOD Tina and I believe you will find that no matter what your husband does or doesn’t do, you will be satisfied within your own heart, and you will be full of joy. And rested up for whatever lies ahead for both of you! 🙂


        1. Amanda! Thanks so much. I so appreciate you and your story. I trying to seek God right now every way I know possible. I live this blog and everyone who helps. Please let me know if you would ever email me direct. I would live to talk to you more. What you wrote fits me to a tee on how I was. And right now I don’t know whether to respond to his texts or just stay quiet. So confused!

          Thanks again my sweet sister!

          1. As April says, “I vote” 🙂 for responding with respect with careful choice of words if he is asking genuine questions and not looking for arguments or fights. Try to stay away from any “You” statements and focus only on what you think or feel. If he is texting you in anger or with manipulation, trying to make you feel guilty, etc., my vote is to respond that you would would love to communicate with him if it can be done in a healthy way. If he is trying to make you feel guilty about something, and God shows you that there is validity to what he’s saying, be humble and willing to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

          2. Tina, I would love to email with you directly if you would like that. (And if anyone, ever, finds this and wishes to talk to me, feel free to use the email!) My email is:

            I look forward to talking with you and allowing God to use me any way He sees fit in your situation 🙂

            Hang in there, Sister! God is on the move!!!!!


            1. I really like what you shared Amanda. I have been married 21 years and the last 4 have been the most painful in my life. My husband is till in the house physically but has left the emotional and spiritual part of our marriage due to my disregard and disrespectful behavior…I had no idea what I was doing….he refuses to work on his part..blames me for where we r at.

              My pastor encourages me to be firm when b he brings up the past that God has forgiven me, my slate has been wiped clean as far as the east is to the west my transgressions are forgiven. I have asked for forgiveness and repentance and it is up to my husband what he chooses to do. Sounds good in theory but when I am drenched in pain and fear all of want to do is lash out. I can’t control my husband.if he does finally walk away…he has been threatening to for 3 years….I have e to let him go. This is no easy task.

              1. Hope always,
                Oh my this is so me and my story! It’s so sad that we are all dealing with this. My husband is so hard in his heart right now. He is bitter and add a child in the mix that he is involving is terrible. My situation is terrible because our home burned down and we have been dealing with these issues. I’m so thankful I found Aprils blog and all of the wonderful sisters in Christ. I will pray for you and your husband!
                Hugs, TINA

              2. Tina,
                just from my own experience with my husband, when he is far from God and attacking me constantly, and just letting all of his hurt out about me or his job or whatever it is…at those times, when I was quiet (not talking about God, the bible, what i was learning etc)…and was TRULY content and joyful in my heart because of JESUS……I simply listened, heard him out, and tried to be positive….

                and every single time…

                he was “dumb founded” and would say things like:

                “I need to stop treating you like that”

                “I need to stop talking to you like that”

                But if I got angry, lashed out, anything other response other than contentment in Christ alone, it went down hill FAST!!!!!!!!

                Whenever my husband was “away”, and he did those things, I simply told him I was only responsible for myself, and that he can choose to do whatever he wanted, but I would be waiting right here for him to figure it out……

                This is a tough place…a place of testing…. God give us the faith to believe in these times that YOU HAVE A BIGGER PURPOSE!!!!!!!

                God’s goal is HIS GLORY…… If you surrender this situation…and truly truly truly seek CHRIST alone……GOD WILL GLORIFY HIMSELF THROUGH THIS!!!!!!

                🙂 God can not lie!!!!!!!


              3. LOVE this!!!!


                It is so obvious God is working powerfully in you both!! WOOHOO!

                May I share these two responses (without any other wives being mentioned, of course) – as a post later in the summer? Maybe the second one on FB this week?

                Thank you!!!

              4. April,

                Of course! 🙂 I so enjoy being able to share our stories and learning from each other…this is real life..and this is true fellowship!!!! I am so thankful for everyone here! We are all in this together!!! Praise GOD!!

              5. Amanda,

                I LOVE getting to share our stories and being inspired by each other, encouraging, and blessing each other. Thank God for the Body of Christ and for Jesus and all He has provided for us by His Spirit and His Word! 🙂 Thank you for allowing me to share.

                Much love!

              6. I think my husband is very stuck. He brings up the same things over and over whenever we have one of our episodes. As I call them. He says I have done irreparable damage to the marriage…yet refusing to look at his side of the street and breaking up a family of 5…well that is irreparable damage in my eyes.

              7. Hope Always,

                It is always much easier to downplay or justify the damage our own sin causes against others. It is much easier to feel the destructive effects of other people’s sin on us. That is the deceitful nature of the human heart.

              8. Hope Always,
                I have been in this situation as well… husband couldn’t let it go….and then would get entirely bent out of shape if I so much as mentioned any past thing that happened. I stopped bringing up the past, and anytime he brings it up, I say, “I thought you forgave me for that?”


                Men HEAR actions alot better than WORDS!!! I could’ve apoloized a million times, but if I still didn’t change the thing that was so troubling to my husband, he knew I wasn’t truly sorry. And he would continually bring it up any time there was any sort of “fight”.And if I only tried to change FOR my HUSBAND, i never achieved it. Because God alone is worthy of our repentance and obedience!!!! And when our heart is truly focused on HIM, we are able to REACT respectfully to our men….. it is a natural flow when Jesus is on the throne!!! 🙂

                Only God can open his eyes….. and he may or may not ever have that experience. That is the tough part…..However, Jesus did say that “according to your faith will it be done unto you”……….. and “all things are possible to those who believe”!!!! That sounds like great news to me!!!!!


              9. Can you elaborate on what you mean when you said you listened, heard him out and “tried to be positive”? What do you mean by being positive?

                Thanks –

              10. ContentinChrist,

                When my husband specifically would attack me in those times when my heart was full of JESUS, I would simply tell him…”I know I hurt you in the past, but thank GOD, he has opened my eyes…and I AM JUST LEARNING THIS, and I see now what I did to hurt you and I’m sorry…..and I believe God will work in my heart and truly change me!”

                i kept pointing out that I didn’t know before, now I know, and I am committed to allowing God to change me and restore our marriage!

                He was skeptical (and still is! ha!)….but as April has taught, this is a JOURNEY, and it will not happen over night. If my husband decides it’s taking too long, then that is HIS choice and he is responsible for how he treats me, etc!


              11. Hope Always,
                I know exactly how you feel when your husband is distant emotionally and spiritually. It is a tough place to be, but I have some encouragement for you! Because I know what it’s like to really fear that he will leave and divorce me……. it feels like your husband and marriage is out of your control——b/c it IS! This is a tough lesson, but SO NECESSARY!

                And your pastor is right—– one of the main things I learned when I first started counseling not too long ago is that I am only responsible for myself, my emotions, behaviors, choices, etc. You are only responsible for how YOU react and how YOU feel and what YOU do. When my husband was at his lowest and was constantly blaming me for our problems, etc…..I internalized it, and I found myself in despair, hopelessness, etc….but it was really only the ENEMY using my husband to keep me trapped in a prison that JESUS has already set me free from! HALLELUJAH!

                I had to specifically write down what my husband was saying, and compare it to WHAT GOD SAYS! And you know what, if you will focus and believe on what GOD says about you, You will realize that you are of great worth in God’s eyes. But here’s the thing too—-you can “know” it….but God has to reveal to you that HE ALONE IS WORTHY OF YOUR DESIRE. If you are desiring your HUSBAND to love you, treat you like the precious jewel you are, etc… will be disappointed. But if you set your WHOLE HEART on desiring GOD and HIM ALONE to fill you up with love and to show you what you are to HIM….you will be FULL OF JOY!! no matter WHAT your husband is doing.

                I am not just saying something that is easy to say but hard to live…..b/c I have gone through this process of not know what was really going to happen and if my husband really didn’t love me, etc….and once God revealed to my heart that only HE can satisfy all the deep deep longing for love in me, it hasn’t mattered what my husband has done or not done…I AM STILL JOYFUL! b/c GOD loves me like no man could ever!!!!!

                Just today in counseling, I realized that there is a real process to all of this that us ladies go through… reach peace……

                first, we have to ACCEPT that this is what it is, this is how your husband is treating you, and accept that GOD IS ALLOWING IT for His own purposes that we can’t see yet…..

                next, we have to offer up a sacrifice of THANKS to God anyway, even though this is a tough thing. Praise and THANK HIM that you even HAVE a husband!!! that he is NOT actually moved out!!! that he has NOT divorced you! THANK GOD THERE IS HOPE!!!!

                then, we must focus ONLY ON GOOD THINGS….literally think only about GOOD THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! no negative, no fears, no hurts, NOTHING BUT GOOD!!!!!!!

                and last but definitely not least, we must keep our eyes on JESUS…..only coming to him to be satisfied in our hearts…….he can satisfy your longing for love, for connection, for worth………ONLY He can!!!!!

                This is ALL A MENTAL THING!!!!!! it is a HEART matter!!! not matter what happens on the outside of us…..we can truly be content within our hearts if we are focusing on the RIGHT things…and looking to the RIGHT source for satisfaction!!!

                I pray you are blessed by this and that God opens your eyes to these truths…..and that He will empower you to let your husband go so that He can work whatever He is working out in him and your marriage!!! 🙂


              12. Thank you for sharing with us, Amanda, all of the things that God has taught you. I really appreciate it. Wanted to share something I’m currently working through. We were on the brink of separation last week – I actually brought that up based on the fact that my husband has lied to me about various things over the years and has never owned up to the lies (except for the ones were there was something concrete to hold onto and he couldn’t get out of it). However, I could not get away from the verse in 1 Corinthians 7:10 where it says that a wife should not separate from her husband. So, I told him that I didn’t want a separation.

                So, we are together. I feel like God has told me that I need to stop bringing things up to him, that I need to stop trying to get him to see how he has hurt me, that I just need to STOP. Because, it doesn’t seem to matter the way or the heart with which I say it, he can’t receive it from me.

                So, I am in a very, very, very quiet place. Very pulled back emotionally, and in all ways…..I am struggling with forgiveness or how to have a relationship with someone who won’t face the things they’re doing that are causing hurt in a relationship. On the other end of that, I am feeling some sense that I can walk in greater victory in the midst of this. And, so your comments are intriguing to me. I honestly would love to come to a place where God allows me to forgive him so much that I am able to treat him with the same love and joy I had before. I’m definitely not there right now. We have been going to counseling and each session is quite painful as he sometimes flat out lies about things I’ve done or didn’t do and is at other times only giving parts of the story so that I am made out to be something I’m not. I recover from one session and then it’s time to go to the next and I am left reeling and having to go through the process of learning to forgive and let go all over again.

                I am being respectful, quiet, still serving him in the ways I used to (apart from intimately), etc….

                Were you at times in situations like I’m describing? For how long and how did God lead you to act? Did you have healthy boundaries or did God enable you to treat him the same as you would if he were treating you with the respect and honor you deserved? (If that makes sense)

                Thanks….I am really wrestling this through with the Lord and wanting to walk in His will.

                I’m going to re-read your comments, especially this last one and I do know that I need to start giving thanks!! I’m convinced of the power of giving thanks in all situations and I have not been doing that lately, so thank you for the reminder! 🙂

              13. ContentinChrist,

                I have only been married for 2 years and 3 months, and my husband and I only knew each other for 8 weeks before we got married. But, for these 2 years, I have experienced this deeply. More times than not, my husband was away working, like in another state. and I only saw him on the weekends. For the first year and 10 months, I was in a self-loathing pity party, all while being blindly disrespectful. All i could see was what HE did to ME, and what HE wasn’t doing that I wanted im to do! I literally had no radar for HIS feelings, HIS desires…or even God’s word on how I should be treating him!!! I thought I was so great and that I did everything for him and that I deserved to be his ALL IN ALL! HA! I was so wrong!!! I was unknowingly pushing him away the whole time.


                My husband has his own issues that have nothing to do with me. He has chosen in the past to treat me terribly wrong, and he has chosen to pack up his stuff and leave many times, and he has told me he was going to divorce me literally since we have been married. The first time he said it was like a week after we got married…..So it’s been a very very very very lonely and confusing marriage…..

                Until God lead me to this site in January. I finally saw what I DID WRONG! HOW I WAS NOT OBEYING GOD! and I realized all the hurt I caused my husband. And at that time, my husband was away in another state and I only saw him on the weekends. When I realized and started making the effort to change and be quiet and stop disrespecting him in any way I knew….he immediately drew closer to me and things were going good for a few months….but even then, my husband was far from God and he was miserable in HIS OWN LIFE….he was unhappy, and was taking it out on me basically. He would come home and find any and everything he could to bash me. For example, one time I asked what he wanted for dinner, and he said to surprise I went to the store and bought him fried chicken…….. when he got home and ate it…he said it was the nastiest chicken…on and on about the chicken….as if I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SO HORRIBLE FOR BUYING THAT CHICKEN FOR HIM……and at this point I was still internalizing ALLLLLL his negativity and feeling like I was responsible for HIS ACTIONS/FEELINGS….

                He also used to blame me for every outburt of rage he would get when we “fought”….”well if you didn’t push my buttons, I wouldn’t have done that”….I honestly believed it was my fault, until I started counseling…..

                There were so many times over the 2 years that I jsut let his negativity towards me harden my heart towards him in bitter resentment…I didn’t argue back, but I was truly bitter in my heart….and it didn’t help anything…because at one point, right before I found this site…I honestly was “done” with him in my heart. I was so over it and i checked out completely…..

                But thank GOD he lead me here and now I SEE!!
                And since my eyes are opened now even more….I am able to see that when my husband is upset, miserable, complaining, etc….I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for it! And I don’t have to fight evil with evil…I can overcome it with good!

                So for example…say my husband were to come home from work today and say he was just complaining about his job, not happy at all, totally bummed out….(I doubt he will do this but just an example)…let’s say his negativity turns into something about how i don’t work, and he feels like everyone uses him because he’s the only one providing, and he is just trying to make me feel guilty or something……….

                If he were to do this today, I would NOT internalize HIS FEELINGS anymore…I would know in my heart that what he is saying is not right, and I would know that I don’t need to “worry” about it and I don’t need to seek a job to make him “happy” and not feel “used” (this actually has happened many times in the past 2 years, lol)…….

                In the past, I would internalize it, and start worrying that maybe i need to get a job so he will not feel so used and maybe its my fault hes so unhappy because i get to be home and he doesnt and on and on and on………

                Counseling has helped my husband to see a lot of things that HE needs to deal with…and honestly I know it’s all God working in my husband…..

                I believe you are in a position right now to live out 1 peter 3……… To honestly treat your husband with respect, and when he fires at you with words or blame….you can simply choose to not internalize it, and either walk away, or hear him out, and just express that you are there to listen….

                One time, my husband went off about his job and noramlly I would start telling him what to do in that situation, and this time, after coming to the site, I specifically just didn’t do that, and all i kept saying on the phone to him was “yea…i feel you….i understand….i’m listening…..”………….and he seriously got over it. Like, it was amazing! Normally it would start a fight because I would try to tell him what to do and he would start telling me to stop acting like a man and that he doesn’t need my….

                Does this help at all?!


              14. Amanda,

                So many powerful insights from God. Wow! I love that you began to see what was not your fault and stop taking ownership of his issues and his negativity. How I praise God for what He is doing in you both!!!!


              15. It does…and before I got on here to see if you had replied to me, I had a great conversation with one of my best friends. We were talking about forgiveness and stepping out even when we’ve been deeply hurt and just doing these things for Jesus, not for our husbands, not for ourselves, for no other reason than that we are pressing deep into Jesus and if Jesus is calling us to this radical kind of love and forgiveness then that is where we will go….it is probably going to look messy and be hard, but I feel God is calling me to it.

                I want to know Christ and the fellowship of his sufferings…..what a verse – and…. I count everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.

              16. Oh, forgot to say….I like the calm and peaceful boldness to say the truth, but not get pulled into the fray of arguments. Not a doormat, but not controlling. Very neat.

              17. ContentinChrist,

                I just listened to a message all about getting to the point where God’s perfect love casts out all fear…and it was about how before we can even come close to living without fear, we have to first love our brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ….meaning no gossip, no bitterness, no resentment, no prejudice…basically nothing but LOVE is acceptable to have toward another believer in Christ. Not only just the outward forms of hatred, but the whole ROOT of it needs to be cast out of our hearts if we are to ever enter into the place where His perfect love casts out fear! Because that is love, he was saying, is to truly FORGIVE and FORGET! That is what perfect love is. And just as God in Christ forgave us BEFORE, when we were YET SINNERS….we are to love our brothers and sisters in Christ. Wow. because if we don’t, and we have that bitterness or resentment…..we truly can not have God’s Spirit in our hearts flowing freely out in love towards another. But when we are free from all the bitterness and resentment, His love flows out and we are able to love them despite what they choose to do, and we are able to serve them, and love them as Christ loves us!!! Hallelujah!

                I believe God is drawing you to this way, and that as you said, into the fellowship of His sufferings. Isn’t it amazing when we realize those?? One revelation I had recently was that the way I so desire to be loved……is exactly how God feels toward US! The fellowship of His sufferings….what an amazing thing!

                I pray that you allow God to truly uproot any bitterness or resentment towards your husband, and fill you up with His Spirit and love, that it may flow out freely, and bring great glory to God, and bless your husband!!! In Jesus’ name, Amen!

              18. I needed that. I know I havent been treating my husband well because I have been holding on to so much bitterness and resentment. I havent wanted to let go of it because I wanted to be on guard just in case. I am so thankful I chose the option to get all of the replys it is really helpful. All of you ladies and gentlemen who are sending out ecouragement and prayers is really a blessing and I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

  13. I was doing great for a while then I overreacted about something and I admit I guess I made him feel disrespected because I didn’t listen to him and kept on talking it seems like it all went down the drain again. Have I lost his trust. I notice that he’s not as open with me, he won’t look me in the eyes and he doesn’t contact me as much. What now? I feel like i take one step forward two steps back and it’s very frustrating and sometimes I feel like I can’t wait much longer. You said it took about 3.5 years 😕 I feel so disappointed in myself

    1. //mrsbal84
      I know just how you feel. The same thing happens to me. I tried to stay quiet and peaceful but somehow I always ruined it and now my husband moved out. Keep praying! That’s all I have right now! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

    2. (I am, without a doubt, not the most Godly man on the planet. My thoughts and comments here spring from my own hurts and frustrations from two previous marriages: one ended in my wife’s death (it probably would’ve ended in divorce otherwise) and the other ended in divorce. So, please accept my words and thoughts with a grain of salt, and with that perspective in mind. But maybe God can use what I say here to, in some small way, be a blessing and help to someone else.)

      “I was doing great for a while then I overreacted about something and I admit I guess I made him feel disrespected because I didn’t listen to him and kept on talking it seems like it all went down the drain again.”

      If I may….

      Your husband may or may not “feel disrespected….” Again, it goes to the idea that we men sometimes simply don’t know the right word for how we feel. All we might know is that we’ve been “hurt” by someone who claims to love us very much.

      “Have I lost his trust.”


      “I notice that he’s not as open with me, he won’t look me in the eyes and he doesn’t contact me as much.”

      I remember with my first wife the day I knew I was no longer in love with her. It was a combination of feeling resignation and acceptance. And although we stayed married and lived together for another 10 years, until she passed away from the cumulative effects of the medical cabal’s cancer “treatments,” it simply was never the same again.

      With me, there was the point of realizing that she didn’t really want me, and I didn’t really want her. I know for myself that I had “done the math.” The projected “return on investment” wasn’t worth it to me. The totality of the negative build-up was substantial, and we just weren’t able to muster enough interest/trust/desire/whatever in the other person to overcome it.

      I realize no one wants to hear this, and certainly April is well within her rights to delete my comment, but,…

      The human ability of one spouse to detach emotionally from the other is quite good…given the opportunity. The fact that your husband is at this point tells me he’s on that path. How far down that path is hard to say. But I wouldn’t rule out an affair.

      (I emphasize “emotionally” to clearly indicate the more-important connection between spouses of the “physical” and “emotional”…after all, “respect” isn’t a physical issue, is it?)

      As a man who was on that path myself, I will tell you that each time the husband makes an effort to try and turn around the marriage, only to have it fail, especially if he’s criticized, ridiculed and whatnot by his wife…well, it truly is, I believe, a marriage that only God can heal.

      “What now?”

      I truly believe that whatever Godly change that either spouse requires and implements will be abundantly evident to the other spouse. It’s at that point that the other spouse has a decision to make: whether or not that “new” person is someone with whom they want to reconcile. And the truth is, in my humble opinion, short of being Godly, there really is nothing the “new” spouse can do. (The wife just has to know and be willing to become that Godly woman. April’s blog is a great place, I think, to start that process. :-))

      It’s just not up to you anymore.

      “I feel like i take one step forward two steps back and it’s very frustrating and sometimes I feel like I can’t wait much longer.”

      Oh, you have…at least two steps back. But I think I would be correct in suggesting that your husband feels the same way.

      Again, in my humble opinion, AS LONG AS HE’S TALKING TO YOU AND LISTENING TO YOU, THERE’S STILL HOPE. The truth is, there’s always hope, because God doesn’t believe in the statute of limitations. But talking is good…VERY GOOD. 🙂

      “I feel so disappointed in myself.”

      Hey…it’s a big club.

      Sorry this is so long, but I must say that you folks are all on my mind throughout the day. I have first-hand experience with some of what you are enduring, if only from the other side of things.

      I pray for you all as I think of you.

      Thank you for letting me go on…and on…AND ON. 🙂

      P.S. Knowledge OF God is quite different than a relationship WITH God. The latter is an exponentially better choice.

    3. Mrsbal84,
      Please let me tell you that this is exactly how I was feeling the past few weeks in my marriage…feeling like I wasn’t really changing, and as my husband was moving further and further away….I was feeling pretty hopeless.

      I felt like I had to be perfect to earn/keep my husbands love, because every time I “messed” up, he got more and more upset and just withdrew immediately and wasn’t really bouncing back after a few days.

      This is extremely recent, and literally, all within these few few weeks, God has opened my eyes to the simple fact that HE IS NOT LETTING ME GIVE MY HEART AWAY TO ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT HIM! He wants me to PLEASE HIM, not my HUSBAND. Yes, when I please God my husband will benefit, because I won’t be treating him wrongly…BUT, NOT because I am focused on making my HUSBAND happy (idol), but because I am IN LOVE with JESUS and am obeying HIM!!!!!

      God is pruning ALL OF US of slavishly seeking the thing we want most (husband, his love, a good marriage, etc. etc. the list could be literally anything we want more than GOD)……….He is NOT allowing us to SEEK and ATTAIN anything EXCEPT HIM AND HIS LOVE LADIES!!!!!!!!

      It will never work, as April has taught us. It will not work if we are just trying to be “perfect” to keep/earn our husbands love and get him to treat us how we would like.

      This is the part where we SURRENDER ALL the outcomes to GOD, and seek ONLY JESUS to fill our void of love, comfort, etc.

      Lord Please open the eyes of every woman on this blog, to see that JESUS can fill their hearts with HIS LOVE and let them see that the only way to a godly marriage is by first surrendering to JESUS and TRUSTING in HIM to work in the marriage for HIS glory!!!!! In Jesus’ Name, Amen!!!

    4. I know this is a late reply, but a simple “I’m sorry I wasn’t respectful to you when I ______” is usually all it takes for a lot of men to get over it. Men are quick forgivers usually. 🙂

      Laura Doyle recommends this one quick and powerful thing to do when it feels like there’s disconnect again in the marriage and especially when you can tie it back to something you have done that was flat-out or might have been viewed as disrespectful.

      And, of course, more than Laura Doyle – God is pleased when we see our sin and quickly repent, receive forgiveness from Him and then ask for forgiveness from the one we hurt – for whatever the sin is. 🙂

      I’m convinced of the power of heartfelt apologies that are backed up with genuine action to change!

  14. A few things missing from these responses:

    1) your man/husband is a man, men are expected to listen and consider all points towards making a decision and sometimes even a comment of response, this is because his response has to lead by example – have patience for that response and support his response, ask for clarifications when appropriate

    2) men easily become flooded with emotion – trust that your man/husband has the intent of doing the right thing which might be aligned with a longer term perspective than the emotion of the moment – there is a time and place for quick/snap response especially in the face of danger and he knows when that moment exists, other times his response needs more information and time to absorb before a response

    3) his urgency might not be yours, help him understand your concerns without rushing his response

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