TODAY’S GUEST POST:
Sometimes, our husbands don’t share that they are feeling disrespected or that we are sinning against them and we have no idea we have contributed to the problems in our marriages.
But other times, they truly do clearly try to explain that they feel unloved, mistreated, and disrespected – and we just don’t hear what they are saying – until God opens our eyes and ears.
One couple has allowed me to share some of a husband’s old text messages to his wife that she has only recently begun to understand.
These are the words of a frustrated, husband who was feeling discouraged, disrespected, and unloved and yet was trying to love and lead his wife in a godly way.
His wife, we will call her, WorthyofLove, sees now that she was fighting his attempts to lead and to love her with disrespect and control:
Here we go – some of my husband’s old texts to me:
TEXTS ABOUT BLATANT WAYS MY HUSBAND FELT DISRESPECTED:
- “You question everything I do or don’t do.”
- “Only God can change me.”
- “I get upset because you disagree too much.”
- “I especially get upset when you talk with a bratty tone of voice.”
- “I get mad because you talk to me like you’re my dad or something.”
- “Do you realize the stuff you say – how offensive it is?”
- “I already feel like I’m not good enough for anything in life. Seriously, I know you feel like I need to do what you think I should do and you feel like you can play God and tell me I’m not trusting, seeking, etc… That is very offensive”
- “You can’t expect me to be godly if I’m not giving God my all.” (*because I demanded all his time/attention!)
- “You think because you got a little Bible knowledge, you’re all high and mighty and been on this doing-everything-right trip but by your attitude and words it shows your maturity in Christ.”
- “I’m grown. I don’t need people cutting me down and trying to control me.”
- “I’ve been hearing since I married you how much I don’t love you – and all I do is take care of you and your son.”
- “You think you can act any kind of way and do it again and again and it not affect the way I feel toward you??”
- “You’re so stuck on yourself – you won’t let me be your husband.”
- “I honestly feel like nothing I do is good enough for you and I don’t know how to feel good about myself knowing that.”
- “You wonder why I get depressed. All I am is a failure.”
- “If you can’t be supportive through me making mistakes, then it’s pointless.”
- “Instead of encouraging me through this difficult time, you’ve been throwing fits.”
- “You make my life hell to get your way.”
- “I’ve had to turn my back on what I knew was best more than once just so you’re not (ticked) off at me.”
- “I’ve been trying to lead, you’ve been getting in the way for some time now.”
- “You were never in it for the ‘worse.’ You want the ‘better'”
From Peacefulwife – This next quote is what happens to a man who feels very put down and disrespected by his wife, notice what begins to happen to his ability to lead and make wise decisions:
“Do you realize how many times you reminded me about my mistakes? How else am I supposed to feel except rejected and hurt? It surely didn’t make me feel like a man. I keep second guessing myself.“
WAYS MY HUSBAND WAS TRYING TO LEAD ME SPIRITUALLY:
- “You say you’re seeking God. Look at your behavior… You’re not the woman of God you claim to be at all.” (*how did I MISS THIS!???)
- “It’s very possible me and you love each other more than we love God.”
- “A lot of our marriage has been about me pleasing you and vice versa.” (instead of pleasing God first)
- “If you want a godly marriage it begins with you controlling yourself.”
- He straight up told me that we need to obey God’s commands for marriage out of fear of God and trying to please Him!!!!
- “You can’t blame anyone or anything for what you do when you are upset.”
- “All day you’ve been focusing on all except God. You gotta focus on the good things, the Holy Spirit can’t reside (in us) when we let our flesh dominate our minds.”
When I read some of these (now) I am like, “Wow he couldn’t have been any more blatant!!!!!”
I honestly did not have a clue what he was trying to say to me. If anything, when he said these things I felt totally wronged and like I was the one trying to work on everything.
But looking back, I WAS FOCUSED ON EVERYTHING EXCEPT GOD AND MY HUSBAND!!! I’m glad I can share these in hopes that other women might be able to pick up on anything their men might be trying to say.
I LITERALLY SAID THIS IN A TEXT WHEN I WAS BLIND AND DID NOT UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING:
“You can’t handle life so you’re dumping your crap all on my shoulders. That’s fine, I’ve had it dumped on me over and over. This is nothing new. Men obviously can’t deal with stuff anymore and women are the only ones who can keep it together while under serious pressure.”
This was my attitude!!! Sadly 🙁
Let’s slow down. Let’s really listen to what our husbands are trying to share with us. Perhaps they have important things to share that we need to hear. It is possible that God may even be trying to speak through them to us if we will listen.
Yes, they have things to work on, too. But so do we. Let’s be willing to humble ourselves and look at any sin issues in our own lives. Let’s take what our husbands say, even if we feel upset about it at first, to God in prayer.
Let’s ask God to help us discern, “Is this a legitimate issue? Is it a life-giving rebuke and godly wisdom? If so, help me embrace it. If it is not of You, then help me to not absorb it.”
The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
– Proverbs 14:1
Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.
– Proverbs 9:8
I pray God will give us ears to hear so that we might build up our marriages, our husbands, and our children and not tear them down.
Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them – note, the things that really can upset husbands are things that often seem “small” or “insignificant” to us, but to them, these are big issues. We want our husbands to care about things that matter deeply to us even if our issues seem “small” in their eyes. Let’s give them the same level of consideration and compassion. And the added bonus, as we ask God to help us work on these things, we are getting rid of sin that God wants us to get rid of anyway. We will become more godly women.