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Share about Your Journey!

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If you have any lightbulb moments that God has given to you since you have been traveling this road to live fully for Christ or stories of the power of God at work in your heart, your life, or your marriage that you believe God is prompting you to share –  this is your chance! (Men and women are welcome to share.)

I am especially looking for stories about how God used your growing respect and biblical submission to bless your faith, your walk with Christ, your husband, your marriage, and your children.

** I may use these comments as posts or even in a future book to bless other wives as God leads me – (if you do not wish for me to feature your story in a blog post, a FB post, or in a future book, please specify that in your comment.)

The thing I love about this community is how y’all share, love, pray for, and encourage each other. You bless me greatly! There is nothing I love more than to hear about God’s transforming work in people’s lives. Let’s share and praise God together for His goodness!

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ SOME STORIES ABOUT HOW GOD WORKED THROUGH OTHER WIVES’ RESPECT AND BIBLICAL SUBMISSION, CHECK OUT THESE POSTS:

 

  • My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come; I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone. O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come. Psalm 71:15-18
  • “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.” And he went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him. Luke 8:39

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

– Psalm 66:16-20

56 thoughts on “Share about Your Journey!

  1. This is not a “Lightbulb” moment in my marriage but I wanted to share how Awesome God is………..I left a LIBRARY book at the VA, called out there , went out there to no avail, went to the library yesterday to pay for it, I figured my fine would be in the $20 to 30 dollar range………..someone had turned in my book !!!!!!…… God is so GREAT

    1. This sounds like an example of “Iowa Nice.” 🙂 I’m from Iowa, and so many people here are very kind. But of course, that all comes from our heavenly father. Isn’t it wonderful when we feel Gods love in the way others treat us? So happy about this!

  2. Before I got married I firmly believed that I needed to be submissive to my future husband. The ladies I would see at church overstepping the bounds with their husbands and it drove me mad. After I got married, my convictions were tested. I had to wait 5 years to have a little one because my husband I was not excited about having babies. They scare him. It was hard at first. I wouldn’t nag but my heart wasn’t right. During that time and along with other things that were going on in my life, God got ahold of me. He made me see His way is perfect and He was guiding us in the way He wanted us to go. He has His timing. When my hubbie gave me the go, I went off my birth control. After being on birth control for 5 years I thought it was going to be hard to get my body back into a normal cycle and get pregnant. It only took 2 months! I was blown away! God had His perfect timing where through the wait He made me trust in Him and in return be submissive with my whole heart towards my husband. Now we have a cute and crazy 19 month old little girl. He loves her to pieces! God’s blessing!

    Please do pray for me though I am itching to have another one and once again my hubbie doesn’t want to yet. Pray that I can hold onto the promises that God taught me. And that I don’t allow myself to get frustrated. I know He has His timing.

  3. I have been married for over 30 years ~ ONLY by the grace of God. God had a victorious plan for our particular union but the enemy fought viciously against it. My husband is a God fearing man. His one grandfather was a Baptist preacher and his other grand- father was from Sicily, Italy – Italian Mafia. Needless to say there was a war going on for his life. My husband and I were both saved at a young age. We both drifted from the things of God in our early adult lives. God began to draw me back through the brokenness of our marriage. I remember crying out to God, “Fix him. Fix him.”. The response I heard from Him was, “You are the one praying to me now, not him, so we will start with you!” I was shocked. Was God saying that I needed fixing? Yes. That was exactly what He was saying.

    He was so gracious and kind when He would help me see my flaws and the areas that I needed Him to come in and bring His healing. He added a Godly mentor to my life. He gave her the ability to see me through His eyes. She spent countless hours with me over the next 4-5 years. She never once got on my band wagon of trying to fix my husband, instead she would pour the Word of God over me as if she were washing me. She kept pointing me back to the cross and the things of God.

    Over the next several years we experienced things that most couples never make it through. To spare you the details I will summarize by saying it was dark, agonizing, wicked and just sad. But through it all God NEVER left us. You see, He had a plan and it was a good plan, a plan to prosper us, not to harm us, a plan to give us hope and a future!

    Of course I was still praying that God would fix my sweet husband. I tried to manipulate him, tried to control him, I tried to make him feel guilty — basically I tried to make my husband love me the way I thought I needed to be loved! But God in His infinite wisdom allowed my attempts to fail.

    So I began to pray in a different way. I specifically prayed that God would surround my husband with Godly men. And He did! God began to teach me how to pray for my husband, my head, my covering – His son. I dove into the Word for answers, direction and help.
    Again, God was gracious to me and sent me another to teach me His principal of submission. Oh, how I rebelled against this whole idea. I never saw my mother practice submission. I thought it was just a “bad” word. But God had so proven His love for me in so many ways that I knew I had to at least try to listen to what He had to say to me about His protection for me and our children through submitting to my husband. God knew how hard-headed and strong willed I was, but He saw my willingness to try His way – even if it was just a tiny effort. God was valiant in allowing me to see His handiwork while I stumbled through this thing called submission.
    Along with submission I learned about boundaries – Christ-like boundaries. These two principals made a huge difference in the health of my marriage. It changed the entire atmosphere of my home. I praise God for His peace that He gave to me through His Word, His people and through His Holy Spirit.

    Please feel free to share my story of hope and restoration.

    Leslie Baker

    1. Leslie Baker,

      Wow. Praise God for what He has done in your life, your husband’s life, and your marriage! WOOHOO!!!! Thank you so much for sharing! What a blessing to read!

  4. I have lightbulb moments almost every single day in this journey with Christ and that is why I am able to write a post almost every single day! 🙂 Being in His Word daily, reading godly writers such as you April, listening to Spirit-filled preachers and listening to that still small voice of the Lord gives new inspirations I love to share with others since I love His ways.

  5. Although I am not married yet I did have a light bulb moment when it comes to relationships. Just 2 days ago I was thinking that I was no longer being courted as much as I was in the beginning. You know-the random flowers every month, holding hands everywhere, sweet messages every morning etc. Then as I was praying, the Holy Spirit said to me that many times we look to the other partner for a reaction, but if only we would initiate it, we will see a change. So I decided to initiate and guess what? It worked! Back to the beginning.

    1. gretalamfel,

      Thanks so much for sharing this! It is easy to start expecting things from the other person while we coast and do nothing. But there is a lot more power when we focus on what God calls us to do and how we can bless the other person just to bless and love them.

      Love this!

    2. So true! I remember God kind of showing me a couple of years back that when I was being hurt by something that was done or by an omission of some behavior, that it was a good bet that I could just initiate that and provide that to my husband because it was something he probably needed, too. God brought the verse to mind, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I had always looked at that verse from a different perspective and not from this new perspective of being hurt by an action or non-action and then deciding to give that very thing that I was so desperately wanting and needing away to my husband or another person.

      Your post just reminded me of that lesson. And how easy it is for us to just decide to stay in our hurt and withdraw in our relationships when so many times it is as simple as just initiating an act of love…or offering grace or forgiveness…that can turn things around so quickly!

  6. I wish I could articulate in a way that shows the gratitude in my heart of all of the many things God has and is continuing to do and show me in my journey. I definitely had my husband’s love and his view of me as an idol in my life and God has used certain events in our marriage to bring me to a place of realizing that my husband will never be able to fulfill me totally and that only Christ can do that.

    There are just so many different things that have been touched on along this journey….finding my security in Christ; realizing that I was “enmeshed” with my husband in a negative way; understanding that being a submissive, respectful wife does not mean that I cannot state my opinions and speak my mind – it just means that the way I do it is much, much differently than the way I did it before (which was disrespectful, angry and self-righteous a lot of the time); realizing that God has made me to be a person of influence in my husband’s life; learning how to stand firm in a respectful way for things that were beginning to be detrimental to our marriage while still remaining vulnerable and open to my husband even though I was hurting because of some of his actions; understanding differences between men and women and how some of the things that I was being offended by didn’t need to be that big of a deal and that I could meet my husband in some of his needs by not getting so emotional or by giving him space; learning that love is not pretending that everything is perfect when it’s not; learning to love unconditionally and to bless when I’ve been wronged (however, I don’t think unconditional love means that a marital relationship will look like a marital relationship that is totally healthy – I think you can unconditionally love but still have boundaries).

    God has truly been literally changing my perspective of what it means to respect my husband. It started out as acting respectfully, but He has been changing my heart to give me real, true respect for my husband. So, the actions that started out by faith are now coming more naturally and effortlessly as God is doing this work in me.

    I really could probably go on and on, but these are just some of the things off the top of my head that are coming to mind.

    So much of the good stuff that has come has been brought about by going through some really painful times these last few years and so, the grace that God gave me to trust Him during those times has been pivotal. And He has strengthened my faith even more to see how He works….how we are so safe in His hands, even when our circumstances can feel and appear to be so hopeless.

    His love is unfailing and unfathomable and the biggest lesson through this all is that He is teaching me that He truly is enough for me.

  7. I am contintually blessed by this blog as well as the facebook group– you alll are such an encouragement to me!

    I guess i just want to encourage wives who are perhaps struggling in a difficult marriage. When i found out my husband had an affair, i got some wonderful advice from a Godly friend. She said “what can YOU do differently from now on?” Not what i expected to hear!! I had assumed that by reading marriage books about respect that i was the more Godly one in my marriage and that i was doing great! (Similar to April’s story! 🙂

    I asked God to show me my sin, and was astounded when the Lord brought to mind many YEARS of ugly, selfish and disrespectful words and attitudes toward my husband. I think i cried most of that day, not because of my husbands unfaithfulness but because my heart was broken from MY OWN sin!

    It is SO easy to be blind to our own sin but when we ask God, he will faithfully bring it to light. This was absolutely the key to forgiving my husband as well as the “other woman”. I can truthfully say that almost from the very beginning i forgave them both and TRULY harbor no bitterness. This is not because i am special but because the Lord humbled me so greatly in his wonderful mercy!

    Anyway hopefully that makes sense! I am praying for you dear ladies and will continue to do so!

    1. Kate,

      Thank you so much for sharing. It is REALLY hard to look at our own sin, particularly when we are being seriously sinned against. Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, says, “We are never more tempted to sin than when we are being sinned against.” But how I praise and thank God for your friend and for God’s work in your heart. Forgiveness is BEAUTIFUL and POWERFUL. It sets you free to be able to be close to God and to not be poisoned by bitterness.

      Much love to you!

  8. Hi April and everyone,
    This is my first time posting but i have followed your blog and been on the respectful wife journey now for about 3 years of my almost 7 year marriage. My husband is a ‘command man’ and has quite a dominant personality he is always ‘right’ and has little tolerance for people doing things that don’t make sense or are wrong to him. I have struggled a lot to not shut down and become a doormat to avoid conflict and protect myself.

    Over the years i have learnt to ‘read’ him a bit better I try to hear his underlying problem rather than just get defensive at the way he talks to me when he has an issue. I try and apologise quickly for my fault and then drop the matter. About 6 months ago he came into our room at about 10 pm when i was already asleep, he switched on the light and started accusing me that i had swapped his special pillow as he’d had a sore neck for a few months and I was to blame. He was quite angry at me so i just quietly told him that i hadn’t swapped his pillow but that i could get all the pillows out in the morning so he could see if there were any that suited him better. He continued on and went around all the rooms taking the pillowcases off the pillows and found ‘his pillow’ and was demanding an apology from me for purposely swapping his pillow and then lying about it. I refused to apologise as i knew that he was mistaken. I had put pillow protectors on all the pillows so all of them looked the same.

    In the morning i showed him the pillow protectors and the pillows underneath and he could see that he had been mistaken. I then offered to go shopping for a new pillow for him and the matter was dropped. Of course i felt quite hurt that he thought i would deliberately swap his pillow to give him a sore neck and i also knew better than to expect an apology. My previous response would have been to find something to apologise for and then cry for several hours into my pillow and bury the hurt.

    This is just an example of what often happens in our home, usually it is triggered by something that has happened at work and he takes his frustrations out on me. This time i didn’t take his attack personally, i kept calm and said my piece quietly but stood my ground. Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and I was feeling like i had learnt and changed so much that i was nearly at the end of needing to read your blog and working on our marriage as i thought i was turning into a pretty agreeable wife (not saying that things were perfect or that i didn’t still struggle with sin still, but i had put in so much work into being respectful). We were having a conversation and I said something about how i had changed in our marriage, he knew i read your blog but we never really had conversations about what i was learning. He said to me ‘what do you mean changed?’ it comes out that he hadn’t even noticed how hard i had tried over the last couple of years, he had seen no change in me from when we were first married.

    I must admit i was gobsmacked and it was totally disheartening. Up until a week ago i was just numb and devastated about our marriage, and wanted to give up and just shut him out. During this time i have refined my motives, i am now doing this out of obedience to God, my relationship with Him has grown so much since that moment. Without that time i would have continued in my own strength trying to make a good marriage. God didn’t let me take any short cuts, while i was being outwardly respectful to my husband in my mind i would be thinking ‘You are so mean’ and call him names silently. There was so much hidden sin and filth in my heart that had to go. I have pretty much 0% chance of things improving for me, if he hasn’t noticed a change in me then i can’t hope that he will respond in turn. I am Ok with that now, i can’t be responsible for his poor reactions to situations, i was emeshed in him and overly sensitive to his moods. I have now accepted him for who he is.

    However now instead of just feeling sorry for myself and keeping my hurt hidden i have committed to respectfully saying ‘that was hurtful’ and then moving on. I am excited about my new relationship with Christ and that is my primary focus now. Being a wife is only part of who i am and whilst i will continue on my journey it will be with a different heart. Its not a successful marriage story but praise God for he has been faithful to me.
    Thankyou for your blog April.

    1. Content Wife,

      It is wonderful to hear from you! I really love your story. We ALL go through times like this – where we believe God has been working in us and changing us so much, and our husbands don’t notice or are not impressed. What an incredible opportunity to do exactly what you did – to allow God to use this to refine your motives to be sure you are doing this only for Him and to bless your husband – not ultimately for your husband.

      This is a successful discipleship story! That is the most important thing!!!! I am rejoicing with you!

      Much love!

  9. Hey April,
    So the other day I was going through old texts from my husband and I, and I wrote down 8 pages of things he said in just the past year that were PLAINLY him telling me I was disrespectful/controlling/etc. If you are I thought about sharing but haven’t had a chance to get on here, but I see you posted this for anyone to share…if you would like I can share some key ones!! It amazes me how blind I was to everything he said!!!!!! I think it could help women maybe pick up on some things their men are saying to them blatantly and help them identify spiritual leadership as well (I wrote a few things he said down that I never identified as leadership until reading your blog!) Please let me know and I will gladly share! 🙂

    Love,
    Amanda

      1. April, It is my pleasure! I also checked with my husband if I could share and he said itw as fine!
        When I read some of these I am like “wow he couldn’t have been anymore blatant!”!!!! I honestly did not have a clue what he was trying to say to me…if anything, when he said these things I felt totally wronged and like I was the one trying to work on everything….but looking back, I WAS FOCUSED ON EVERYTHING EXCEPT GOD AND MY HUSBAND!!! I’m glad I can share these in hopes that other women might be able to pick up on anything their men might have said or say often. These are quoted word for word through text with my husband!!!!

        Here we go:

        BLATANT WAYS I WAS DISRESPECTFUL:

        “You don’t listen to me”

        “You question everything I do or don’t do”

        “You don’t do a thing I ask of you”

        “I don’t need your opinion”

        “Only God can change me”

        “I get upset because you disagree too much”

        “I especially get upset when you talk with a bratty (*he used another B word that is not pleasant) tone of voice”

        “I get mad because you talk to me like you’re my dad or something”

        “I said No more than once”

        “Do you realize the stuff you say how offensive it is?”

        “I already feel like i’m not good enough for anything in life…seriously i know you feel like I need to do what you think I should do and you feel like you can play God and tell me I’m not trusting, seeking etc…that is very offensive”

        “How can you possibly smile being married to someone like me?”

        “either you support me in my decisions or nothing”

        “you can’t expect me to be godly if I’m not giving God my all” (*b/c i demanded all his time/attention!)

        “you were never in it for the worse. you want the better….you married me hoping i could fix you and your sons relationship and thats wrong..you married me because your didn’t want to work anymore and to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want…you married me with this idea that its all about this romantic everyday spending all our time together type thing and its not reality” (*this is something I SHOULD have seen, but I was SO BLIND!! i didn’t consciously marry him for these reasons, but looking back, my heart was NOT right and It shows how deeply wounded he’s been by my disrespect, to think I only married him for these reasons :(!!)

        “you keep throwing crap in my face”

        “you got all these demands”

        “you can’t teach me the bible woman”

        “you don’t see the sacrifice i’m making to provide for us”

        “you think because you got a little bibe knowledge you all high and mighty and been on this doing everything right trip but by your attitude and words it shows your maturity in Christ”

        “your so stuck on yourself”

        “i’ve had no freedom in our marriage its always been about me working and carrying the load while you throw fits and make demands on how our marriage isn’t the way you wanted”

        “your attitude speaks for itself”

        “nothing i do is good enough and everything i do is wrong in your eyes”

        “i’m grown i dont need people cutting me down and trying to control me”

        “i’m not living the rest of my life arguing with a control freak that doesn’t appreciate anything i do and trys t make me feel like i’m an unloving husband”

        “i been hearing since i married you how much i don’t love you and all i do is take care of you and your son”

        “i’m hurt by you and don’t want it anymore”

        “you think you can act any kind of way and do it again and again and it not affect the way i feel towards you??”

        “when i get negative i get hard on myself i don’t attack you”

        “you’ve been clawing me since we got married and i’m so sick of a grown woman that acts like she’s 14”

        “you’re so foul and stuck on yourself you won’t let me be your husband”

        “our whole marriage has been about you fighting to get your own way”

        **********I LITERALLY SAID THIS IN A TEXT WHEN I WAS BLIND AND DID NOT UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING: “you can’t handle life so your dumping your crap all on my shoulders. that’s fine, i’ve had it dumped on me over and over this is nothing new. men obviously can’t deal with stuff anymore and women are the only ones who can keep it together while under serious pressure.”************** this was my ATTITUDE!!! sadly 🙁

        “do you really care about me?”

        “i feel like i want out”

        “i honestly feel like nothing i do is good enough for you and i don’t know how to feel good about myself knowing that”

        “you wonder why i get depressed all i am is a failure”

        “if you cant be supportive through me making mistakes then its pointless”

        “i’m passed discouraged, sad, feel alone, used, unloved”

        “instead of encouraging me through this difficult time you been throwing fits”

        “seriously theres no understanding or compassion on ur part”

        “if you don’t have anything supportive to say then keep it to YOURSELF”

        “you’re not submitting and you’re not willfully helping. if you can’t do either, don’t do anything”

        “you want things to happen how you want them to happen and can’t stand the fact that i made a choice that didn’t fit your agenda and what you wanted”

        “do you realize how many times you reminded me about my mistakes? how else am i supposed to feel except rejected and hurt?….it surely didn’t make me feel like a man..i keep second guessing myself”

        “i can’t be at peace when you’re steady mad at me”

        “you don’t support me at all and it seems like you go against everything i feel and say and do and all you do is what you think is best for us”

        “you make my life hell to get your way”

        “i’ve had to turn my back on what i knew was best more than once just so you’re not pissed off at me”

        “i’ve been trying to lead, you’ve been getting in the way for some time now”

        WAYS HE WAS LEADING ME SPIRITUALLY, ETC:

        “its clear woman your not getting your way and your mad”

        “it’s pointless for you to say let God do what He does when you keep letting your emotions get in the way”

        “you say your seeking God look at your behavior little girl your not the woman of God you claim to be at all”
        (*how did I MISS THIS!???)

        “it’s very possible me and you love each other more than we love God”

        “a lot of our marriage has been about me pleasing you and vice versa”

        “If you want a godly marriage it begins with you controlling yourself”

        *He straight up told me that we need to obey God’s commands for marriage out of fear of God and trying to please Him!!!!

        “stop spying on people” (I had an obsession with facebook stalking his ex-wife because I wanted control)

        “see how judgemental you are”

        “The bible doesn’t say wives understand your husband it says submit”

        “God understands me and that’s all that matters. How about you say something positive about me and help me grow spiritually” (*I was very negative)

        “you can’t blame anyone or anything for what you do when you are upset”

        “All day you’ve been focusing on all except God…you gotta focus on the good things, the holy Spirit can’t reside when we let our flesh dominate our minds”

        “you gotta accept how things are and move forward”

        “it’s pointless to have kids if we can’t take care of them” (*i thought i wanted more kids but we already have 3, 1 is mine and 2 are his)

        1. Amanda,

          I would definitely like to share a lot of these in a post – along with your comments at the top about how you didn’t realize what he was trying to say. Thank you SO much! Maybe God will use this to help other women see. I believe He will.

          Thank you and your husband for sharing! 🙂

        2. LOVE this list of examples! Awhile back I went through some old text conversations between me and my husband. I was utterly shocked to see how often I complained… He used to text me often throughout the day to see how things were going at work, and I was always SO negative. It wasn’t negativity toward him necessarily; I just never had anything good to say about my day at work or life in general. Or (worse) I responded with a long list of things for him to do when all he wanted was to check on me! Over time, he asked less and less and now I can see why. I was so incredibly blind to it at the time but when I read back through, I was very upset. Seeing how much effort he made to connect with me when we were away from each other and how I failed to respond in a way that anyone would want to hear was very eye-opening.

          1. Therestoredwife,
            when the majority of these texts happened, my husband and I were away from each other for about a month or so because he quit his horrible job and went home to work with his father (1300 miles away). He was just trying to do what was best, but I saw it as he wanted to get away from me. During that time, all I wanted was for him to come back home and that’s where a majority of his texts came from, me trying to manipulate him to come home. He was seeking God the whole time and all I was doing was being bitter and resentful and trying to control everything. I was so blind. I’m so thankful that God brought me to April’s sight, because I honestly had NO clue why my husband was so upset and just shut down all the time and why he didn’t want to be around me, until I read about respect on this blog!!! God allows us to go through these situations, I believe, so that we can not only experience it and be restored, but to help others just as God is using April!!!! I pray you will continue to grow in Christ! God bless!

            Love,
            Amanda

  10. I read Ephesians 5 with joy. I thought, ‘If my husband is serving and loving me like that and being the financial provider, then I don’t mind submitting at all!’

    I wanted the man to be the leader. I wished my own father had a more direct role in my family. I see the devastation of society, specifically in the black community, of men who do not feel responsible for their families. Leadership and submission are the solution. I couldn’t wait to get married. I guess I always felt in my heart that I would get married young. Probably not this young, but younger than most! And of course I was going to be Godly and submit with the humility of Christ and reflect the Gospel of Christ and the Church!

    During my friendship/dating/courtship with my current husband, I tried to deter him by saying he must be a Christian, date with marriage in mind, be willing to be the financial provider and spiritual leader of the household, and wait till marriage before having sex. I thought. ‘No guy wants to do that at 19. At least, not any guy around me. That should scare him off.’

    It didn’t. He quickly grew to meet all my qualifications and I fell in love with him. We married in August of 2015, he at 19, I at 20. I had every plan to commit and submit.

    Then I actually had to do it.

    It was really, really hard. I tried quietly not making waves. It just made things worse. I couldn’t avoid conflict forever and eventually would blow up in a fit of rage and resentment.

    However, with the help of Christ and the Godly counsel of the Peaceful Wife blog, I began to adjust my way of doing things. Through the grace of God, and much prayer from myself and others, God managed to give me moments of true victory and humility even in the most difficult times.

    My biggest challenge? Expressing negative feelings in a respectful and timely way. If I had to write a book about submission, I would call it, “Don’t Destroy the Xbox! An Informal Guide to navigating a Biblical Marriage”. Breaking things is not the best way to express yourself. But without God’s power and the ability to humbly navigate conflicts, sometimes we end up doing things we regret. (By the way I haven’t actually destroyed the game system. Only a closet or two. God is good!)

    However, Christ is amazing. He can take evil and make good things happen from it. He can take an argument and make you closer to Him and your husband. He can restore broken trust. He can lead you into a straight path if you trust Him and don’t run ahead. He is your very best friend when you are heartbroken. They don’t call Him the Counselor for nothing. Because of Christ I can be like Abraham’s wife, Sarah. I see danger and failed marriages on every side but I laugh at the days to come.

    Hopefully I can help other wives as I become a marriage veteran. I hope I can make the awesome combination of wisdom and humor to help the wives who want to toss a game system off a three-floor apartment in the wee hours of the morning.

  11. * sigh * Well, I’ve been around here long enough, I wish I could say “Hooray! Light bulbs have been going off all over the place!” In some ways, I guess they have, but so easily, SO EASILY, I allow those bulbs to dim again.

    @Content Wife, I love your story. Thank you for sharing! I need to try to be more like you.

    @Amanda, oh my goodness! I don’t think my husband has said that many words to me, ever! 😊 I didn’t realize men existed who would write so much! 😊 I can text my husband two paragraphs and he writes back “ok” or “love you” but that’s about the extent of it. Usually it’s “ok”. You are so blessed that your husband thinks you are worth the time it takes to type a text.

    I guess I have learned some things. I’ve learned I shouldn’t be controlled by my emotions. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I slip up and I still am. But at least now I realize it and try to stop it.

    I’ve learned that although I grew up worthless and have always taken a far back seat to my husbands job, that I’m not completely worthless. I do have worth to Christ and I need to learn to be content with that.

    There’s a lot I still do wrong. I still assume most of my husbands motives are negative. Well, they are. I mean, I try so hard not to upset anyone and to make sure everyone is happy, because I care about them. Therefore, if you do things without thinking through how it will make someone else feel, it stands to reason that you do not care about them. That might not be a bad motive, but it’s certainly a thoughtless one.

    My husband also transfers a lot of his work frustration onto me. At least he realizes this now, and while I wouldn’t say he tries not to do it, at least he admits he does it and that it’s not fair. But I’m used to being kicked around emotionally, so I can take it. I hate it, but I can take it.

    I still struggle with the difference in our sex drives. Even admitting it here makes me feel like a loser. What husband doesn’t desire his wife? Well, mine claims he does, and he’s gotten much more affectionate with kissing and stuff, but it seldom leads anywhere because he finds me repulsive. He says this is untrue, but what other reason could there be? Read the blogs. Most men are starving for their wives, craving them. Not mine. He is more than content if we are intimate once a week. Everything you read says men desire sex far more often than their wives. Not in this house. He’s fast asleep. And then acts like he doesn’t have a clue why I feel worthless. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe my desire for him is overactive and bad. I’ve tried to deny my desire for my husband, to get rid of it, but I fail each time. I’ve even prayed for God to take it away, but, nope.

    I do think my obsession with not being attractive or appealing to my husband is an obsession. (Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all about looks. Plenty of men have written things like “I still crave my wife because I love her so much even though she’s not 20 anymore…”) BUT they still love her enough to desire intimacy. So since I’m not that old yet, that just makes it even worse that he’s not that interested! Husbands who are in love desire their wives no matter what she looks like. And it keeps me stuck, and it keeps me sad, and it keeps me from focusing on my time with God. Satan must love it because it proves yet another way in which I fail as a wife and a woman and a child of God.

    I guess the best thing that has come out of all this is learning how to deal with the worthlessness and the ugliness. Whenever I feel worthless, or like a waste of space, time, oxygen and resources, I stop and focus on what is really bothering me. Sometimes it’s my own sin. I remind myself over and over that I am not worthless to God.

    So I’m getting there. But I am definitely the tortoise, not the hare! I’m on the journey, but I don’t think I’ll ever arrive until Heaven.

    1. Becca,

      Thank you for sharing! I still see some destructive thinking in what you are saying – BUT – I also see some progress. WOOHOO! I praise God for that! 🙂 Thank you very much for sharing the light bulb moments you have had.

      Much love to you!

    2. Hi Becca,

      I’ve just thought – some guys are much less physically responsive when they’re stressed or frustrated. I know my man’s “level” of wanting to be physical depends heavily on how stressed he is. He says he desires me regardless, but he doesn’t really do anything about his desire when he is stressed. Given you said that your husband is very frustrated at work, but he says he does desire you, perhaps this is the case with him as well.

      Much love,
      Flower

      1. Hi Flower,

        Maybe. Thanks for the thought. Being as he is an admitted workaholic who is ALWAYS stressed about work, and I mean always, this could be part of it. It’s really hard not to take it personally, but I’m working on it.

    3. Becca,
      The ironic thing about my husband is that he is VERY verbal through texts, but when he is home or we spend a lot of time together, he barely speaks ONE word. I don’t mind though because its better than nothing at all. What is truly amazing is that even though he BLATANTLY told me what I was doing, I didn’t understand it or see it; all I saw was WHAT I THOUGHT was going on–like you I struggle with thinking my husband has negative motives and that he doesn’t want me/love/me etc……but when I came to this site and read up on a lot of different things here, I realized that what I was saying, how I was speaking, my tone of voice, my attitutde, just everything, was competely disrespectful and it was literally repelling my husband. And even though I did these things, he still showed me enough mercy and grace to try to work it out even though I was just so blind!

      My husband tends to share his negative emotions about his job to me a lot, and how he feels used because I don’t work, etc….I ususally take that and go into “man mode” (my word for trying to tell him what to do and solve all his issues, etc)….I always take it as I need to get a job to make him happy and so he won’t blame me for his negative feelings…. but now I realize that he’s just sharing how he feels with me…… also, there was a time he lost his job, and he as so depressed, he literally didn’t come near me for weeks, there was no affection or sexual intimacy….I was devastated…and because I felt so unloved and worthless I constantly told him he didn’t love me etc….it pushed him away to the point where he travelled 1300 miles away to go work with his father and left me and my son behind…..I was so hurt. and that’s why I was so blind, because I perceived it all as HIS treating me wrongly, and I was just blind to what I contributed to the issue!!

      I would encourage you to read up on disrespect and just different things especially taking our thoughts captive, and I would encourage you to give your man space and let him pursue you. Space solves most of my issues in my marriage, and when I keep the right perspective and seek God first!!!

      God bless! 🙂

      Love,
      Amanda

  12. Hi, April-I have always enjoyed your themes shared and the videos as well.

    Just wanted to mention that ya maybe gotta take into consideration that most of what is taught as if it’s etched in stone is not at all really in the Bible. It is a sideline addition which has roots in new-agey psychology and counseling. To say a couple should do this or that, or here’s the list of 10 hoops a husband should jump through, or here’s how to make a wife happy so that she’ll bless her husband more, is all kinda hyped by western thought and tradition.

    I have lived almost 30 years in Asia as a missionary, and it has been outrageous to see the influence of western ideas on Asia, specifically the divorce rate. But what I wanted to share about mostly is that there are countless millions that know zero about the 5-steps or the 10-steps of any matrimonial harmony or anyone’s seeming rights or ego or how to do this or that. People SHOULD know more, and I teach many things. But if ya live among tribal peoples, the stuff coming from western websites and so-called principles is clearly for another world of selfish western thought.

    One wants to center the focus on getting people delivered from the darkness of superstition over here in these jungles, but there are millions who cannot read, let alone memorize the 10-steps or the way a wife is pleased by the man doing such and such, and then she’ll be harmonious. I’m being very general here but if you see THIS world, you know that it’s different from TV-land or the bless-me clubs of the divorce-ridden self-focused individuals rather than the much simpler mentalities who cannot fathom what he should do and then she should do.

    My wife came from a 1000-year-old village, (and please keep in mind I compliment her a DOZEN times a DAY about anything, and open every door and am a romantic fool with constant flowing tears) and now after some western TV and seeing western marriages, she is way off course, needing more and not being grateful as she was when she was in her tenement upbringing. Not only that, her background in NOT getting “the tapes or CDs” many years ago, is a lesson in unraveling of the prior DNA of backwardsness mainly not just of western thought but of having NOT been close to God and His grace, His wisdom, His love. THAT is the crux of whether someone, husband or wife, can show forth life in the world or in the home.

    1. Pat & Windy,

      I appreciate your perspective so much! It is heartbreaking for me to hear how destructive the Western culture has been on marriage. 🙁

      And YES! We all, no matter what our cultural background, have to focus on replacing worldly, sinful, ungodly thoughts with the truth, love, and power of Christ. We all desperately need the Holy Spirit to change us. We can’t change ourselves and we have nothing good in ourselves.

      Thank you kindly for sharing, my brother!

  13. Hi April,

    I had a lightbulb moment today that I have been thinking about sharing. And in typical “me” fashion, it went from negative first to positive-in-progress.

    I get a devotional from Dr. Charles Stanley in my inbox each morning. Today was about “Controlling Our Appetites.” While I don’t have too much trouble controlling my appetite for food, I do have trouble in other areas.

    As you know, I have struggled with the mismatch in mine and my husband’s libido for years. Mine is MUCH higher (and there is no porn problem on either side). He does have what I consider a workaholic issue – but that’s a discussion for another time. The mismatch issue has added to my already negative view of myself and made me feel uglier and more unworthy than anything else I’ve encountered. I can’t talk to him about it too much, because he does love me and it makes him feel bad about himself if he knows this issue makes me feel so badly about myself. But I am also very bad at hiding my true feelings. Or he’s good at reading me – whichever.

    Anyhow, as I have searched online endlessly for answers to this problem (NOT a good idea – especially since I tend to google crazy stuff when I’m upset) you know I’ve been all over the map about this issue, and I often feel like I’m not a normal woman, and certainly not good enough for such a good man.

    Thankfully, with your help and prayers, I have been able to discover that I do have worth in Christ. I still need to pray on that, and try to remember it often, but at least the knowledge is there, and it has helped a great deal.

    And yet, the libido thing has become an obsession. I actually don’t feel like getting into the nitty gritty of my emotional whirlwind just now, but let’s just say that I still use his libido (or lack thereof) as a measuring stick for how “good” I am – at being a wife, and a woman. My husband seems to be perfectly content with connecting once a week, and that is far too little for my personal appetite. And as anyone who has ever struggled with this can tell you – the person with the lower appetite – has ALL the control. It can be incredibly frustrating.

    So last night, as we near the end of the “week” I am beginning to slip right back in to all my negative thought patterns. “Why doesn’t he long for connection in the same way that I do, and in the way millions of men claim they do? Just what kind of woman is he looking for? What is it about me that doesn’t appeal to him? Why does he lie all the time and say he loves me so much when he obviously doesn’t? (this isn’t true – but I have such a hard time believing he loves me when his interest is so much lower than mine – me realizing that is a breakthrough in itself.) Why does he lie and tell me I’m pretty when I obviously cannot turn him on the way a normal wife could? (Again – not necessarily true, but when it’s been days it sure feels that way!)”

    And I was getting upset. And I think he could tell. This morning he asked me to please not be mad at him. HUH?? I never said I was mad at him. Not at all. I was feeling upset, but I kept it to myself. But I guess he can sense it. I don’t know. He goes to work so early in the morning, we just talk for literally like 60 seconds and then he’s out the door and I fall back asleep.

    So….. when I woke up I was down in the dumps and ready to start googling all about why I’m a failure as a wife. And then – a God moment! I get this devotion about appetites. After reading it I realize, the problem may not be my husband’s lack of libido. It may be that my appetite is too much and I am too focused on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not about the act itself, but about the time, and the intimacy, and the connection – and I only want to connect with my husband. I want no other “release” (I hate that word). I just want my husband, and I want him to want me at least as much. But we don’t always get what we want, and I guess that’s a good thing.

    From the devotional:

    “Human appetites, in themselves, are not sinful. In fact, they’re God-given. However, because of our fleshly weaknesses, they need to be controlled. When our appetites rule us, we’re in trouble.”

    And so, a lightbulb went off. You see, many times in the past, I have decided I will just stop thinking about my husband in that way, I will try to just turn off the attraction altogether. After all, wouldn’t that make him so much happier? (no, it doesn’t). I even prayed and prayed for God to take away my desire for my husband, but He didn’t. I’m not sure why, but I have to trust that He knows best. Perhaps this is an issue I need to work through.

    The problem is my appetite. While the appetite for my husband may be a good and God-given thing, I am letting it control me. I am becoming obsessed with what I don’t have. I am becoming obsessed with intimacy with my husband the way someone else may become obsessed with junk food. So while I don’t need to squash my appetite altogether, I do need to learn to control it.

    I’ve been cleaning out back room all morning. It’s a room that is unused and neglected and very cluttered. I’ve been neglecting my duties because I have been feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in it. I was allowing my appetite to create all kinds of problems in my life. The extra cleaning, and the accomplishment, is making me feel a bit better about myself.

    I’m not saying this is going to be easy. And I’m still not sure why I have this issue which is reversed in most marriages. And I struggle with that. A lot. But I’m sure there is a reason. I don’t even need to know the reason. I just need to focus on being who God created me to be, and doing the best I can and being me. I need to stop comparing my life to everyone else’s. I need to refocus and realign my priorities.

    Again, I’m sure I’m not “there” yet, and it’s gonna be a long journey, but I feel like I’ve come to another fork in the road, and been steered onto the right path.

    Thanks for listening!

  14. Hi April and Everyone,

    So the other day I wrote a really long comment about part of my journey, but it was lost along the way. The funny thing is, writing about it helped me to work through some of my feelings. I am going to try to remember the jist of what I wrote, because I think it was definitely a lightbulb moment for me.

    Of course, my journey has been a little different, but we all have different journeys.

    I get a devotional in my inbox each day from Dr. Charles Stanley. This one was about controlling our appetites. And what he said really jumped out at me. Now, I don’t have too much trouble controlling my appetite for food (says the girl who is sitting here eating jellybeans as she types this!) 🙂 But I do have trouble with my appetite for intimacy with my husband. See, I am in the awkward position of having the higher sex drive in our relationship, and that has tortured me for a long time.

    As you know, I have struggled greatly with his lower libido. I have allowed our situation to make me feel uglier, unappreciated, and completely worthless as a wife and a woman. Finally, recently, I have begun to see and understand my worth in Christ, and that helps a great deal. So often I need to refocus. Like, daily. But here is what jumped out at me from the devotion:

    “Human appetites, in themselves, are not sinful. In fact, they’re God-given. However, because of our fleshly weaknesses, they need to be controlled. When our appetites rule us, we’re in trouble.”

    You see, my appetite for intimacy with my husband has been ruling me. I’ve been allowing my desire for my husband and the imbalance in our libidos to consume me, and to control my thoughts and waste my time. For so long, I prayed that God would take away my desires for my husband, but He has not. I think He may be using our situation to grow me. To grow us. Granted, our situation isn’t the typical one, but so what?

    For me, it’s not about the “release” (I really hate that word). It’s about the connection with my husband, and my husband only. He is happy to connect once a week, which is far, far, far too little for my taste. As anyone who has struggled with this issue knows, the spouse with the lower libido has all the control and that can be incredibly frustrating and can feel demeaning. I allow my frustrations to control my thoughts and emotions, and for my thoughts to control me. I have allowed my fretting over this to monopolize my time. I think me being stuck here has been pleasing to Satan, because it has seriously limited my time with God.

    So I finally realized, my desire for my husband is not a bad thing. It is not the curse I was beginning to think it was. It is a God-given appetite and it is good. However, I need to learn to control my appetite. The problem here isn’t my husband’s lower desire, but perhaps it is my out of control appetite.

    So just this week I’ve begun working on things I’ve been procrastinating about, like cleaning the storage room. I have been neglecting my duties because I have been wallowing in self-pity. I’ve been wasting so much time being hyper focused on this issue.

    I’ve decided to stop praying for God to take away my desire for my husband. I am going to try to squash my appetite when it gets too intense, just like I have learned to squash cravings for junk food. I need to redirect myself.

    Honestly, I’m not sure if this is totally what I’m supposed to be learning about this, but it sure feels like a step in the right direction. And it sure beats feeling ugly and worthless all of the time. And my husband has been much more relaxed and happier the past couple days. I guess he can sense my more pleasant demeanor. I know he doesn’t like it when I feel so badly about myself, and he has even shared that he feels really badly that he makes me feel so badly. He doesn’t actually make me feel badly on purpose, it’s like a side effect. But in order to bless him, I need to learn to control my feelings, and my thoughts especially when they head in a negative direction. I might make this sound easy, but trust me – for me it is not easy! But I’m going to try. And I’ll fail. And I’ll try again. 🙂

    Thanks for letting me share!

  15. I have SO many thoughts to share. Someday soon I want to write about my whole journey thus far as well as the little epiphany moments so I don’t forget them and when I get around to it I will post as a comment.

    But for now I will just say I have learned the power of hope in the future in the midst of an unhealthy relationship, and God’s ability and willingness to convict as well as inspire our husbands by feelings from the Holy Spirit (no nagging, criticism, or contempt from us necessary – oops!). There are still many things about my relationships with God and with my husband that need to improve but it is amazing how much my life has changed for the better after accepting that I cannot change my husband but I can work on me. There have been several times lately where I have been tempted to go back to my old ways of nagging or complaining but have resisted and within minutes my husband does some small thing to respond in a positive way. In the past, I was a pro at pushing his heart far, far from mine, which was heartbreaking.

    I still cry to God and feel bitter sometimes about being married to a sinner but….at least I am now recognizing that I am one too! The struggles are very real but God has saved our marriage. I am so grateful to have learned about the importance of pure love and respect only 4 years into marriage – before more damage was done. But as April has shared even 13+ years is not too much for Christ to heal. Hope is REAL!

    1. Progress,

      I praise God about all that He is doing in your life and in your marriage! I know the progress can seem really slow at times, but I am rejoicing with you, my dear sister! Keep clinging to Christ!! 🙂

  16. I have been wanting to share my journey and I guess this is the right time. First I want to say that I apologize to April if in my earlier emails if some of my words didn’t make sense. When I’m frazzled the words just fly out. (first problem, lol) I found your site a bit more then a year ago and it has made such a difference in my life. I am not currently married but in a committed relationship. I am divorced and was in a marriage that had a lot of unrepentant infidelity. I promised myself that I would not let myself be “caught up again” which of course means you harden your heart. So I got divorced, left my job and moved across country back to my hometown. After being home I tried dating but started back going to church. During my marriage I did not attend much and with moving around in the military it could be difficult. My mother is a very difficult martyr type mentality as well as a few others so growing up with her was a challenge. But during that time I had God and my church. Fast forward to a year ago.

    I was in the middle of a disaster. I had been dating a gentlemen who I have known most of my life and we are very compatible together. We have been taking things slow as he was divorced and was in a very disrespectful marriage. We had been together 3.5 years at that point and he was leaving and couldn’t stand the sight of me. I take it I had always been a bit disrespectful but not enough for him to hate the sight of me. But a year into the relationship I had to have surgery this threw by body chemistry out of whack and I was placed on HRT but guess what it was not the right one. 🙁 (So please take care of your health and any medications you may be taking that could change your personality or how you react to stress.. April has posted about this) During this time I also heard comments such as the ones Amanda and April have listed but of course I couldn’t hear them. I used to be mad and not know why I was mad and couldn’t stop myself from being mad. The medication was eventually corrected but not after much damage had been done. And I definitely said many things that I should not have said concerning the ex wife and remember I mentioned infidelity from my previous marriage. And I knew he wasn’t

  17. sorry… anything but those negative thoughts just took control of the tongue. After that big explosion all I could do was cry and call out to the one who could hear my heart and he answered my prayers and led me to this wonderful site. I began to read and saw so many things that I was getting wrong. And of course all I could do was cry for days. I was being so hurtful as I was also not attending church after the surgery so that was a couple of years by this point. He did try to lead me. Each week after the recovery time he would ask if I was going to church, he would ask if I was hanging out with friends he would ask if I was going to do any hobbies and each time I responded no. I just sunk down into nothingness. Which is so unlike me.

    I continue to read the blog and all the books that April suggested and my heart began to lift as I threw off the sins that were holding me down and began dying to self . From the way I’m writing this please don’t get me wrong it was NOT easy for me. I was used to handing out orders in the military making all my own decisions and was not going to be a doormat in my mind.

    I also have since found a godly mentor who has been in my life since I was young and was married 50 years to help me along the way. I related to her an incident a few months ago and she immediately said I was being impatient and he can do as he pleases and that I have to do better, lol! He does not live with me but he takes care of my home that I bought when being impatient. A month ago he fixed my furnace and it was his first ever furnace fix changing out a blower motor in two days with time to order the part. There are so many more ah ha things I can mention but this post is already long enough, lol!

    Be Blessed, be patient and be kind!

    Blessed Bonitas

  18. The first part of my post looks like it got lost in space and of course I don’t remember all that I had typed but I will try to recreate. Lol!

    First I must apologize to April if any of my words when I began emailing didn’t make sense. When I am frustrated my words just come out (the first problem, lol!) I am not currently married but am a divorcee from a marriage that was full of unrepentant infidelity. I of course promised myself that I would not do that again. Which of course means hardening your heart. I then left my job and moved across country back to my home town. After a few years I began dating someone I have known almost my whole life he was also a divorcee from a very disrespectful marriage. He had two kids and I have none. I have obviously been disrespectful but it got worse after I had to have surgery. It threw my hormones way off and I was placed on medication. This HRT medication was not a good one for me. (April has a post about this) I was always mad and upset and yelling and being even more disrespectful. 🙁 I would be mad and didn’t know why but couldn’t stop myself from screaming. The medication issue was worked out thank goodness! I was also very impatient, demanding and controlling. It got so bad he did not want to be around me and told me so. I had heard lots of the things Amanda and April have posted but I could not hear this.

    The last argument we had I said something’s that were very bad concerning him and the ex wife. Even though I knew that there wasn’t…

  19. Last part, during this journey I have shared with him what I have been learning. I do this because he will usually go look at what I have been reading so if he reads a bit that’s good to. He went through the phases that April has pointed out as well. The unbelief and uncertainty. When we talked about respect he couldn’t even tell me what he thought was disrespectful or respectful to him.

    The level of communication we have is good and I found a way to share with him some of my thoughts without it seeming overly dramatic or to sensitive. I just text him and believe me it works. (Plus he is an IT person so he likes his gadgets) I share whatever I may be thankful for that day and I do not expect a response. Even if it’s just that it is a beautiful day, or he cut my grass that day (it’s a half acre), or that he bought toilet paper, paper towels and laundry soap. Hey, it means I don’t have to and that’s a blessing.

    I was also able to pass this site on to a friend who is also divorced and looking at the dating scene again. I also was able to help a friend who was recently married it was only about 4 months. We just went out to eat at the mall and she started telling me everything that was happening, how he was pulling away and the looks that she saw on his face. I was grateful that she spoke to me and I was able to point her in the right direction. They are doing wonderful and I’m so happy they won’t have to face years of being on the crazy cycle.

    My walk with God and prayer life is wonderful! I have even gotten back into my church choir. I also started a side business which he has been encouraging me to do for years even if it was just an Etsy site 🙂 To do something I love. This journey has been hard but worth it and there is still a ways to go. Bring it on!!!

    Be Blessed, be patient, be kind and be encouraged!

    Blessed Bonitas

    There is a song called Be encouraged by William Becton check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9kh3m9EVCg

  20. The last part. One of the things that I had to work on of course was communication. Communication between us is good. I have found a way to express myself that he accepts readily. He doesn’t like to be too mushy or anything dramatic. So I text him. (He is IT and likes his gadgets) I will text just anything without expecting a response from it’s a beautiful day, thank you for cutting the grass ( it’s a half acre lawn) or for the toilet paper, paper towels and laundry soap. Hey I don’t have to buy it so it’s a blessing. Also if there was something I was thinking about doing or want his opinion on I will text him during the day and then we usually talk about it that evening as it gives him time to think about it. I did share what I was reading because he won’t say he does but he will look at it and might read some of it himself. I know this because we will talk and I hear him say some of what might have been in a post.
    I was also happy that I could share this with a friend who is also a divorcee that is getting back into the dating world and of course is dating a divorcee. But one friend really touched me and I was able to share with her. We went to the mall to hang out and eat and she just started talking about what was going on with her. She was newly married all of 4 months. She described how they weren’t getting along some of the things he was saying (some of the comments we see in Amanda’s post)How he bristles when she gets home and he doesn’t talk or pulls away from her. So we had a good talk and I was so fortunate that she chose me to talk to but that I had someplace to point her to also. I remember always wanting to know where the guide book was or why when people spoke about marriage and how they got through they would only share the cliques and not actually explain anything. So this blog has been wonderful to me and those I have been able to point to the peacefulwife blog and the peacefulsinglegirl blog.
    My walk with God and prayer life is wonderful! I have even rejoined my church choir. I also started a side business that he has been encouraging me to do for years! Even if it was just an Etsy site.

    Be Blessed, be patient, be kind and be encouraged!
    There is a song Be Encouraged by William Becton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9kh3m9EVCg

    1. Blessed Bonitas,

      I found your comments! WOOHOO!

      Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing your story. How heartbreaking that your hormone levels went crazy and weren’t corrected for such a long time. 🙁 But I am so glad that God is healing you and to see what He is doing in your heart! THANK YOU for your testimony and encouragement to other ladies!

      Much love!

      1. Hi.can we talk somewhere in live chat.i need someone to talk with.the amount of pain i have gone through in my life,i don’t think there is anyone on whole earth who has gone through such types of issues which i have.i can’t talk to you here.i am crying everyday.i am 23 year old boy from INDIA.i can’t commit suicide because of my family.also i searched on internet but can’t find any painless method to end my life.i don’t have courage to end my life by jumping from building or by drowning.my issues are not related to what this website is all about but i know you since 2 years and thought you are nice woman who respects men.so i came here.you can’t do anything to solve my issues.but i just need to talk with someone like you.i am totally alone.i am dying every single day.please reply.

        1. Charles,

          I’d love to talk with you about the hope there is for you in Christ. I’m so very sorry to hear about how difficult things are and how you want to die. I don’t want you to die! Let’s talk through some things together. Yes, I do respect men and women and value each person greatly because God cherishes and loves every one of us more than we could imagine.

  21. I started this journey 3 years ago and at first was able to change my outer behavior for the good while seething inside. Now through God’s grace I can say I trust in God for my peace, not my husband’s actions. I have given up on many of the demands I had of him before, things that I said I would not accept. I am at peace with it now. I had to learn about boundaries and I realized that I was being abusive to my husband to expect him to bend to my demands.

    I am able to say, “I want…” and tell him what my desires are, but he is not required to give me what I want. Surprisingly my husband has no problem listening to what I want, then he doesn’t have to read my mind. I reassure him that I won’t hold a grudge against him if he doesn’t do it. I have told my husband that he is not obligated to forgive me right away, or even to stay with me. He needs to heal and be free from being controlled by his mother and then by me.

    I really didn’t mean to be that way before, I didn’t know how to process things and express things and I would say I am a naturally disrespectful person. I feel like a toddler sometimes. I am thankful for the grace, love and forgiveness that God has given me and I know that even if the biggest disasters happen, I will be covered.

    My husband has just started to heal and be his own person. I have only promised to be flexible enough to repent when I do something wrong. I didn’t promise him that I would change for good and be a magically respectful wife, I just told him I would be humble. I say things like, “I want to be respectful.”, and show my intentions. Now that we have boundaries, I can also decide not to participate in an argument and am not responsible to find out what is bothering him when I feel something isn’t quite right.

    I remember the scripture that our husbands can be won without a word and I hug him and rub his feet, or do whatever I can feel in my heart to do for him. The most helpful list that got me started on the right path was the list of what husband’s considered to be disrespectful. I had no idea! How can you be respectful if you don’t know what that means? I also read The Surrendered Wife books and got an ebook called The Drama Method that is written by a man and tells women how to do some of the things that men relate to naturally. I have a lot of good things going in my marriage, but I can’t say it’s a finished story.

    1. daughter,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story! I promise, in our sinful nature, none of us are naturally respectful. This is a battle for us all. We can only be godly wives in the power of God’s Spirit working in us every moment.

      I’m so glad your husband is beginning to heal. It took Greg 3.5 years into my journey before he began to really feel safe with me again. Some husbands may take longer, depending on how wounded they felt and how the wife’s journey is going. I am thrilled to hear about the progress you are both making. PRAISE GOD!

      Thank you for letting me know that the post “Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them” was helpful. I sure needed that post 22 years ago when we got married. I was completely clueless about almost all of those things feeling disrespectful to husbands. I love your heart for Christ now and your desire to bless your husband. SO BEAUTIFUL!

      It is pretty impossible to be respectful if you don’t know what is respectful and what is disrespectful – in my experience, at least! Such critical information that I believe we all need as wives. We will all continue to learn every day for the rest of our lives here on earth. I still have thousands of miles to go on this journey myself, my sweet sister.

      Much love to you and thank you again for sharing!

      1. We are not out of the woods as far as my husband goes, he could still choose to leave me. He is going through an adjustment and it can go either way. I feel at peace with that because it is better to know the truth than to wonder what is wrong and have a bad feeling about something that I couldn’t put my finger on. This adjustment has been hard for both of us, and I think there was some growing up to do on our part that got pushed to the side when we had kids. Now that our kids are growing up, we have to deal with ourselves. Things can get very bad quickly. Without the Lord I wouldn’t survive it. That is everything summed up, only God can give us peace, blessings, and the right response. On my own I would choose sin and resentment to protect myself and control my environment. It would end up destroying everything. God restores, satan destroys.

        1. daughter,

          I’m so thankful for what God is doing in your heart! It is BEAUTIFUL and POWERFUL! What a blessing to get to rest in God’s peace even in the uncertainty. I pray for His wisdom and direction and strength as you seek to make choices that will honor and glorify Him in this situation. I pray you will abide in Christ and be filled to overflowing with Him continually, my precious sister!

          1. Thank you April, I was actually able to just tell my husband,”I need some encouragement, I’m having a hard time.” He said some nice things to me right away! I had a hard time saying things nicely before, I thought I could never find the right words. Now I try to put my finger on what it is I want from my husband and just tell him. Wow! It’s getting easier! I just can’t afford to go back down that road of bad thinking or even just listening to the stupid demon that has been yelling at me forever. Jesus will and has silenced that demon! I am under Jesus’ authority and no one else!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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