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7 Lightbulb Moments for an "Unequally-Yoked" Wife

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I am unequally yoked (I became a Christian after 10 yrs of marriage and thought he would jump straight on board with me! It was a shock when he didn’t and still to this day refuses to hear about God and maintains an atheistic viewpoint). My main area of disrespect has been about this.

  • I secretly (and often not so secretly) resented him for not believing and have been extremely angry towards him and bitter in my heart about his stubbornness. I had no clue about my own disrespect because after all it was ALL his fault. He needed to change – not me.

He wouldn’t listen to the Truth. He was being stubborn. It couldn’t be my fault, right? When God woke me up to my disrespect and the fact that perhaps I wasn’t a perfect wife after all, I was mortified, devastated, ashamed and repentant. What a controlling, self-righteous, prideful, awful person I was! Yuck!

  1. I have let go of my resentment over his unbelief, and truly accept in my heart now that even if he never gets saved, I will still choose to honour and respect him because I want most of all to honour and respect God – and I feel like my marriage mirrors my heart towards God. So, yes I believe those verses that my husband may “be won over without words” 1 Peter 3:1-6, by my new attitude BUT if he doesn’t, then I trust God anyway and will choose to live for Him and leave my husband to Him.
  2. I have learned that I am not responsible for my husband’s heart or attitude, and I am not his Holy Spirit! God needs to reach him, not me. So I’ve stopped nagging and trying to control him.
  3. I forgive him quickly now, where before I would carry things on for ages.
  4. I pay attention to small requests he makes – like, suggestions for food I could cook. Before I would just override his opinion or suggestion with my own decision of what was easiest (for me) to cook, or where we should go. I always felt like these small decisions didn’t matter anyway, and basically I think I just despised his viewpoint (I’m so ashamed!) so I just never gave him any respect or opportunity to lead our family, even on little things like where to go for the family dog walk on a Sunday afternoon!
  5. Gradually, as I’ve allowed him to take the lead, he has! At first, he continued to back off, as if waiting for me to take over, but now he will take the lead far more. I also say jokey things (but of course I mean it, in a nice way) like, “It’s up to you, you’re the boss.” Or to the kids I’ll say, “Ask Dad, he’s in charge,” and although I say it teasingly, I know he has started to actually believe it! (If I said it in a serious way, he would feel under pressure and would hate it, and not want me to say it)
  6. With the children, I was so disrespectful behind his back, and didn’t support him at all, but now I do. This has been hard – undoing all the damage I have possibly done to the kids’ relationship with him, and any bad role modelling they may have taken on, in how to be, in their own marriages one day. I have cried many tears over this area of my disrespect, but I am trusting God that He can restore any damage I have done, in His sovereignty. Thankfully my children have always had a good relationship with their dad, but it’s no thanks to me and some of the things I have said about him behind his back! Moaning when he hasn’t done something in a particular way, and worst of all, creating a kind of ‘three against one’ atmosphere – because of his atheistic views against our shared Christian views. Of course, this will always be a huge area of potential conflict, BUT there ARE ways to handle differing view points respectfully and I have learnt that God really CAN lead our family through a non-Christian husband. I have commented about this before on other posts, but it has been a revelation to me.
  7. The other massive thing has been all the idols that I realised I had in my life! I had made an idol out of: having children, my children’s salvation, my relationship with them, and my need to be a “perfect mother.” I wanted to be the opposite from my own mother and give them a “perfect childhood” the opposite of my own terrible one. I had also made an idol out of getting my husband saved, having the perfect marriage, and many other things. I literally had NO IDEA I had done this! I thought I was a mature, ‘switched on’, Spirit-filled Christian!!! I had to repent of so much. But there is an incredible amount of peace and happiness to be found in giving up all your idols! The fears I had surrounding all these areas have completely gone.

I praise God for what He has done and is doing in my life. I also praise God for April and this blog and the many, many honest and heart-warming and helpful stories people share on here.

34 thoughts on “7 Lightbulb Moments for an "Unequally-Yoked" Wife

  1. Keeping your mouth shut, and doing 1 Peter 3 has to be one of the most difficult things in the world. Mad respect.

    Idk if this is at all helpful, but in case it is, here is something to potentially keep in mind:

    John 6:44a
    No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him:

    Hang tough. (ღˇ◡ˇ)

  2. Wow,
    I have visited other sites including the Marriage Mission site… personally i think their for the most part clueless and using their own opinions and not Gods…
    Thats why, I always return to The Peaceful Wife site…
    Why, Because April does it right and leads others to Jesus with the True words of the God…
    Speaking as a man that seeks the true word of Christ, her teachings are right on with the true words of God…
    It seems to me that the Women that use this site, get it sooner or later…what a wonderful blessing that is, as I watch and read about these Heart broken Women being reformed and molded into Godly Women…( Its not their fault, the feminist movement has been brainwash women for years)
    What i mean by that is If you follow Aprils advise on how to treat your husband, he will in turn, Maybe not overnite, but he will see the change in you and the respect and love you are showing him and return that respect and love…
    The unequally yoked wife is the perfect example, her husband is an atheist, and it doesn’t get much worse than that, or more unequally yoked…
    She has a long road ahead of her, BUT MAYBE NOT !!!
    WHY, Because God can change people in an instant …maybe it will be some special event or something he hears from close friend, or someone who he respects OR something like happened to Apostle Paul while riding on his donkey riding on the road to Damascus, OR maybe he’ll come across THE PEACEFUL WIFE SITE, LIKE I DID, when hes at work or home on the computer… OR MAYBE HE WILL BE SANTIFIDED THRU HIS WIFE, GODS FAVORATE TOOL IN MOST CASES…
    I watched this work over the past couple years with two very good friends of 50 years…
    The wife was a Catholic and the husband was an atheist , the wife and husband both now are Good Christains whom both seek the truth in the word and now are truly ONE after 37 years of marriage…
    So you see it’s all in God’s timing… And now their both Christians and equally yoked….They lost a child actually a teenager son, in a car accident which would normally could destroy most any couple, but, God use that accident and greef to bring them together….
    It makes my heart so glad to see my friends turn to Christ, so if you listen to what The Peaceful Wife has to say and you read your Bible, The Holy Bible….
    I’m talking about the King James Version or The New King James Version and study and seek the truth the Words, its all there… like April says it is…husbands need that respect, they need to be told that their Good, sometimes even when things don’t work out, don’t say I told you so you stupid idiot, but you should tell him, I know you tried honey….
    And Sooner or later, you watch…
    Your husband will even come to you and ask for your opinion, so you can both agree on it….
    Because a man really doesn’t want all that responsibility, he knows if he makes a mistake that his family has to pay for it, and no one knows it better than him…
    So just keep doing what April is teaching and read your Bible as much as you can and seek the truth in it, don’t listen to negative things from family and friends listen to God and wise counsel like April and pray hard and never cease praying, because April is in God and Gods in April…she’s right listen to her….I have never seen April but I’ll bet if I did that what she God in her…
    I have a discernment about people and my feelings for April and what she teaches here is so Godly …. listen to her and be like her and God will bless you, your husband and your family beyond your wildest dreams… will we still have troubles and heartbreak, yes we will, but when the end comes we will all know for sure where we’re going, we will go to a place you can’t even imagine in your wildest dreams… To spend eternity in the love of Christ in Heaven…no sickness no heartache none of that stuff…
    Can you even imagine that….
    No we can’t, because it’s beyond our comprehension…
    Wow, just think about that, that’s Jesus promise to us, these are truly indeed hard times for marriages the devil wants to steal everyone’s marriage because it’s a covenant of God, and just watch the world the news, it reads like a horror story and everyone is selfish, Greedy, lovers of self and money and hateful and the list goes on and on…
    But the Lord says when you see these signs LOOK UP, LOOK UP TO THE SKY, because I’m a comin and he will straighten everything out…
    Remember you cannot sell your soul to the devil and the devil cannot kill your soul…
    It is God’s and only his to do as he pleases… the devil can tempt you, you he can’t make you Sin, so never used excuse the devil made me do it… because he can’t, it’s only if you fall to his temptations…
    But remember if we come to Christ he will show us his Grace… Also remember the devil is not going to be in Hell shouting orders…he will be in the Lake of Fire burning for eternity with all the other evil people that refused to turn to God. So remember no matter what you do in life, do your best to save your husband and your family and bring them to Christ… and also what men and women does Jesus want to save? he wants to save ALL MEN and WOMEN, and than means the horrible ones, like the terrorist and Isis and all those evil men and women… He wants to save them all….so it shouldn’t be any problem saving your little old husband, should it ? hopefully not… nothing’s impossible through Jesus Christ…
    Because No one gets to father God, but through Jesus Christ, he’s our Savior he’s the only way…
    I feel it in my soul, And Jesus tells us so… with an Agape love for you all… Joe

    1. Joe,

      God is moving here among so many women (and men, too). I am amazed and in such awe of the miracles I get to see every day around the world. These stories are a God thing, not an April thing. God is good! He is sovereign! His ways are Life and Peace. How I pray for each of us to find the healing and Real Life and Real Love He offers us.

      I pray for continued healing for you and your wife, my brother.

      Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  3. Because my wife of 2 years couldn’t see the light, we’re now heading toward divorce. Sad part is that I’m a believer, I love the Lord, and serve Him. Yet, she was the one to judge me, manipulate me, and call me out of character. Undermined my leadership and authority every step of the way. Even the counselor couldn’t understand how she was following the voice of God, that wasn’t God. I remember her saying that God was calling her to attend another church and that I was being stubborn. She ended up following other women to church on Sundays instead of being with her husband. God was trying to restore and redeem our marriage, but it takes the two individuals to do the work…
    -Peaceful Man

    1. Peaceful Man,

      I’m so very sorry to hear about how difficult and painful things are right now, and how they have been so hard. 🙁

      You are describing the wife I used to be – in many ways – before God opened my eyes 7 years ago to my own mountain of sin.

      Lord,
      We lift up BM and his wife to You today. We thank and praise You for Your love for them! We thank You that You are sovereign and that You are able to draw people to Yourself and change hearts. We thank You that You are able to bring conviction. We don’t know all of the details in this situation, and all of the pain on both sides, but You do. We pray for Your spiritual healing for this husband and this wife and family. We pray for Your wisdom for BM about how he is to engage in this spiritual battle that is raging around him. His wife is not the real enemy. Satan is the real enemy, as You show us in Scripture:

      Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:11-17

      We stand against the enemy’s plans to steal, kill, and destroy in this marriage. We pray for Your intervention. We pray for You to draw this husband and wife to Yourself individually and to heal them separately and then to heal their marriage for Your glory. Open this dear wife’s eyes like You opened mine. Show this dear husband how You desire him to respond and to love with Your Spirit’s power and without sinning against his wife even as she is in the snare of the enemy and she is maybe doing things that are destructive. Convict her through his love and godly example. Convict her through Your Word. Bring the resources and people into her life that she needs. Change her circumstances. Do whatever it takes to reach her, for Christ, Lord! Give this husband the resources, and spiritual support he needs to be the man You call him to be no matter what his wife does or does not do. Let him be faithful to You, obedient to You, filled with Your Spirit, loving his wife as Christ loves the church.

      We thank and praise You for the countless miracles we have seen here in so many marriages already in the past few years. And we thank and praise You for what You are going to do in this marriage for Your glory.

      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

      My brother, do you have the resources you need to deal with this spiritual warfare?

      Some books that may be a blessing:

      Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray – free PDF download or audio download

      The Necessity of Prayer – by E. M. Bounds – free download

      The Normal Christian Life – by Watchman Nee – free download

      Other resources:

      http://www.desiringgod.org search: spiritual warfare, biblical manhood and womanhood, headship

      http://www.radical.net search: spiritual warfare, discipleship, biblical manhood and womanhood

      Is your spouse open to reading anything? Are you having any communication at all at this point?

      Much love in Christ to you!

      1. Thank you for the prayers Dear Sister. I’ve been reading and watching your site for at least a year now. You speak and teach sound biblical principles and I have greatly enjoyed your material. I shared your site with my wife over a year ago and she felt that you are somehow saying to women that they need to give up their independence and “dumb down” for men.

        I share the same thought of apachejoejoe above where he comments on the brainwashing of the feminist movement. There’s something to be said there. As for our marriage, it’s over and there there’s no reconciliation in sight. With all of the distrust, there’s nothing to go back to as we never could establish a spiritual foundation to build upon. I also believe the Lord has released me from the marriage. She wanted her freedom and she got it.

        1. BM,

          It breaks my heart that she misunderstood my message. 🙁 We have all been marinating in feminist ideology all of our lives in our culture. It has had a profound impact, even on those who didn’t intend to absorb it.

          I don’t believe your wife is beyond the reach of Christ. I know He can open her eyes. I pray for His Spirit to work powerfully in her to draw her to Himself and to bring her to a place of being able to become the woman and wife He calls her to be. I pray for spiritual healing for you, my brother. If she could see, she would not do and say the hurtful things she has done. I pray that you might draw nearer to Christ and find the abundant life He has for you. I pray for His greatest glory in your life.

          Thank you for sharing.

    2. Peaceful husband sounds like your wife has lost respect for you, satan has blinded her eyes and hardened her heart. Aprils blog is a good place for love support and godly advice, I agree. Gary Thomas writes a great blog for men, I recommend it to you, men supporting men is powerful, and I also love what he writes.

  4. I too unequally yoked that is to say I became a Christian after 15 years of marriage, however my husband never became a disciple or the spiritual head of our home. Years have followed when I tried to respect husband despite our differences loved and served others doing voluntary work. Result after 45 years married is a broken heart…I hold on to the Scripture God heals the broken hearted and bandages up their wounds…😓

    1. Angiecliffordskitchen,

      My dear sister! I am so very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. 🙁 How can we pray for you and your husband together today? How might we bless and encourage you on this journey?

      I’m so glad you are holding onto Scripture. Yes, God is close to the brokenhearted. Would you like to talk about how you are doing?

      Lord,
      We lift up Angie and her husband to Your throne room in the highest heaven. Thank You for bringing Angie to Yourself! We praise and glorify You for that! Thank You that You care about her pain and about her husband’s spiritual condition. Thank You that Jesus died for him, too. We pray that You might draw him to Yourself as only Your Spirit can, Lord. We pray for his salvation. We lift up Angie and know that she is weary and hurting. Please help her to sit at Your feet and be recharged, restored, and refreshed by Your Spirit’s power, Your truth, Your love, and Your grace. Let her grow much more in her faith. Let her find healing and wholeness in You no matter what her husband does or does not do. Use her for Your kingdom and Your glory! Let her know who she is in Christ. Let her find her security, acceptance, peace, joy, and purpose in You alone. Let her be filled to overflowing with Your Spirit and power. Let her experience You more and more intimately. Let her radiate Your love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control. Let her see with Your eyes. Transform her to become more and more like Christ. Let her shine brightly for You in her home and in this dark world – that You might be greatly pleased with her when she stands before You when this short life is over.

      In the Name and power of Christ,
      Amen!

  5. My husband is a believer, but we were both FAR away from God for a lot of years – I came back before he did. A faith-based counselor told me once in an individual session, “God doesn’t need your help to work in your husband’s life. He may use you, but if He does, it will be in His time and not in a way you force.” It totally transformed the way I thought about my role in our relationship and helped me sit back and let God work on my husband. Such a blessing to hear about a wife who is finding peace in Christ regardless of what happens in her marriage! This is an inspiration for all of us, unequally yoked or not. Thanks so much for sharing!

  6. To the writer of this blog entry (RomanaQ?) – you ARE amazingly “switched on, and spirit-filled” – radiated in your every world. You just haven’t arrived at perfection, and won’t until glorification. Please remember to rest in HIS grace on a daily basis. I’m not unequally-yoked, but was truly inspired and blessed to read your article. Thank you!

  7. About number 3, forgiving quickly. This is massive for me! I am total queen of the grudge-bearing realm! Even if I shut up and didn’t carry on ‘out loud’, in my head I would still be having the conversation!!! Mainly going over and over what I would say to my husband at the next possible opportunity.
    When I first started this journey of respect, I STILL did this….Yes, I learned very quickly to shut up, but even then I carried it around with me silently. I adopted the attitude of “if you haven’t got anything good to say, don’t say anything” which is actually a GOOD tactic, BUT inside I remained the same! But gradually, through my attempts at obedience to God in this area, He has refined me and enabled me to come through to true obedience. So don’t give up, if like me, you feel ‘fake’ in this area, because if you keep aiming for obedience, it will become real eventually.
    Sometimes we have to take the step we know we should, before our head and our heart line up, if that makes sense? Like the man with the withered hand in Luke 6, he had to stretch out his hand before it became healed. Jesus required him to do something he wasn’t really capable of doing, but when he did it – healing came! 🙂

    1. Sunshine,

      I was such a grudge-holder, too. Very bitter when I started this journey. And yes, I would go over and over things in my head constantly. It was awful! Worry, resentment, bitterness, fear, anger, anxiety… it was horrible to live in my head! God changed my self talk, in time. But first we start with outward obedience. Then God continues to refine us, thankfully! Then we get to be filled with His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control as we allow His Spirit to have control – that is SOOO much better! I want everyone to get to experience Christ like this!

      I love that example of the man with the withered hand. BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for sharing!

  8. About the idolatry mentioned in this blog post. How does this fit in with Paul’s anguish in Romans 9:1-3?

    “I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it through the Holy Spirit— I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my people, those of my own race”

    It sounds to me a lot like the pain and anguish that a believer would suffer from their partner/children not knowing the Lord. Is Paul’s anguish a sign that he was an idolatrous man? I think not, but how may we distinguish idolatry and this genuine anguish for our loved ones?

    1. HH,

      There is great anguish when a loved one is not a believer and we are praying for that person’s salvation.

      This post explains the difference between caring about that person’s soul, vs. wanting them to be saved to make it easier for us.

        1. HH,

          Praying for you to continue to seek Christ first, to submit fully to Him, to rest and abide in Him, and to hear His voice clearly in each moment and with each decision. I know He will give you the wisdom, love, and power you need. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!

    2. HH,

      In my understanding of the passage you quote, Paul had a strong love for others and anguish over their souls. But his love for Christ was the reason for that.

      In Philippians, he speaks about not knowing which is better, to be home with the Lord or to stay here and suffer for the sake of others—it was others’ spiritual well being that concerned him most.

      The verses in Romans speaks of Paul loving so selflessly he was willing to be separated from Christ if that meant others could have Christ. There is nothing of self-gain in his statement. No idolatry, at all. Unfathonable selfless love to the most extreme!

  9. I saw a really good movie. It was called, “War Room”. It is about a lady who is very angry with her husband. She finally runs into this old lady who gets her involved in praying. One of the things I really liked is when the old lady said. It isn’t your job to fix your husband. Your job is to respect him and love him. It is God’s job to fix and change you and him. You do your job and respect him and pray and then get out of the way and let God do His job.

    1. ripsimeh,

      War Room is a wonderful movie! I loved it! It is very much what my ministry is here, except that here there are thousands of women, not just one.

      YES! God changes people. We don’t. As we walk in obedience to Christ, God moves the mountains and does His job. 🙂 Love this!

  10. I’ve been a long time reader of your blog – I have question I’d love to ask you, but it’s kind of lengthy and I’d really enjoy hearing your thoughts. Now that my mother’s gone, I don’t have many Christian women who I can confide in for marriage issues. The world’s first answer is always “leave” or “divorce”, which is NOT what I want. Is there anyway I could get in touch with you via email? Thanks so much!

  11. When my husband and I first met, we were both atheists and quite liberal in our views, although we both wanted to marry young and have children.
    Three years into our marriage (four years ago) God reached out to me and I became a Christian.
    My views became increasingly conservative, but my husband never changed with me.
    We have four children, and thankfully my husband has allowed me to raise them as Christians.
    But it is so very lonely sometimes when you have a husband who does not believe in the same things that you do. I love him so much, and I always will…we were each other’s first real loves, we married young and we have grown up together in some ways.
    But it certainly isn’t easy to be a godly wife when there isn’t a godly husband to lead the family. It’s hard to be submissive when I also have to be the spiritual leader for my children. It challenges me every day to fully submit to God and keep my hope alive, but I keep on trying. I won’t give up on my husband, no matter how hard it gets. I have accepted that he will let me down from time to time, because only God’s love is perfect. I have accepted that this life is a challenge, meant to test and strengthen my faith.
    I just wanted to share, in case someone else can relate. : )

    1. Polly,

      I praise God that He brought you to Christ! WOOHOO! That is awesome! But I am sure there have been a lot of challenges. I pray God will bring your husband to Himself, too, my dear sister. I have a number of posts about this issue if you are interested. 🙂

      I’m so glad you are seeking Christ first and seeking to honor your husband. I praise God that He is able to lead wives even through unbelieving husbands. Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for Him to use you to bless your husband and to walk in faith and obedience to Him for His glory!

      How may we surround you with prayer?

      Much love!

  12. Really good points here. I thought of one that has helped me over the years….stop expecting him to bear the fruit of a Spirit-filled person. He’s not one! But, so often my expectations are for him to truly act like a Christian and that’s just unrealistic in so many ways. It also reminds me again and again that it’s only by God’s grace that I’ve been saved and am not in the same position he is. It reminds me, too, that I am *not* some great person on my own accord – but that anything good in me is Christ and Him only.

    1. ContentinChrist,

      This is so good. What a good reminder- YES! Anything good in us is from Christ. It is so easy to start to think that we have goodness on our own – but what a terrifying lie that is poison to our souls! Thank you very much for sharing!

  13. Hi April
    It’s been a long time. How are you doing? I’m doing better with my walk in Christ, thanks to you. I’ve missed your blog but I’ve been a little busy lately. Sorry I haven’t been communicating as much. I’m not on Facebook but if I simply wanted to chat with you, how could I reach you? And I really hope it’s not an inconvenience if I want to talk about other general Christian topics other than biblical womanhood. I realize that that’s your field but there are times when I want to talk about other things. I hope it’s fine to reach out to you. Thank you so much for being open. I know it doesn’t make any sense and I haven’t known you that long but I actually really value our friendship (that’s if you consider me a friend LOL). God bless you and have a wonderful day.

    1. Mia,

      I do count you as a friend and dear sister! 🙂 If it is okay with you, I am game for chatting and discussing any Christian topic here. 🙂 I am so sad, but I am not able to do much private emailing or messaging anymore. It was taking up many hours/day and I am having to try to balance my time better. But I try to be as available as I can be here.

      Much love!!!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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