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“My Husband Doesn’t Have a Calling from God, How Can I Follow Him?”

 

 

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Greg leading our family on a mountain hike – June 2014

Maybe you are on board with God’s design for you to be your husband’s helper and to honor and respect your husband and his God-given leadership. But what do you do if your husband doesn’t seem to have any dreams for his life, big goals for the family, a spiritual vision, or a clear calling from God? How do you help support a man’s vision and purpose in life when he can’t seem to see it himself? How do you follow a man who is not willing to sit down and explain his long-term vision and plan or who doesn’t even have a long-term vision and plan?

  • Won’t you end up just doing nothing and going nowhere and wasting your whole life?
  • Wouldn’t that be the worst thing EVER?!?!?!

That was my fear 6 years ago. I thought God couldn’t lead me through Greg before God started me on this journey. Boy, was I wrong! The problem, it turns out, wasn’t that God couldn’t lead me through Greg, it was that I hadn’t been willing to follow God before and I had been too impatient to wait on God and Greg. I kept wanting to run way ahead and do things my way.

I am going to share the most amazing thing with you, my precious sisters:

God DOES have a calling, a purpose, and a vision for your husband even if your husband doesn’t know it or can’t see it right now. He has one for you, too – and His vision, purpose, and calling for both of you are intertwined.

It is ok if your husband doesn’t know where God is leading him. God knows how to lead your husband and God knows how to lead you. God has the plan all figured out. It’s fine if your husband can’t articulate a spiritual blueprint for the rest of his life. He doesn’t have to write out a five year spiritual goal sheet. He doesn’t have to be the most godly leader, husband, and father on the planet right now (in your estimation) in order to for God to use him to lead you and your family. Not a big deal. God knows how to use even pagan kings and entire nations to do His bidding, whether they know they are cooperating with Him or not. This is the awesome thing about having our sovereign, omnipotent, omniscient God as our Lord and Master.

God is the key here, not our husbands!

Sometimes, it is easy to feel like we need to be able to see the whole plan way ahead of time in order for us to get on board. But – God doesn’t usually work that way. Sure, sometimes He does. Sometimes He impresses His calling and a specific ministry or vocation on a person when that person is young and they focus on that mission for the rest of their lives. Other times, things are not neatly mapped out years in advance. Actually – most of the time – He leads in more of a day by day kind of way, giving enough light for just the next step. That can be hard to swallow for those of us who like to control and plan things! But maybe that is the whole point. 🙂 We must learn to walk by faith instead of by a firm plan that we think is set in stone months and years ahead of time.

God calls us to follow Him one day at a time. He asks us to be willing to submit to His will – whatever it is – before we know what His will might be.

Thursday, I’m going to share a bit of my story as it relates to this post.

 

NOTE: If your husband is involved in serious, unrepentant sin, is not in his right frame of mind (due to uncontrolled mental illness, drugs, or alcohol), or is actually abusing you and you are not safe – please seek godly, experienced, biblical counsel and appropriate medical, police, or legal help if necessary. It may not be wise to submit to a husband in such situations. If this is your scenario right now, please don’t read my blog but seek appropriate help. (i.e.: the Salvation Army, Celebrate Recovery, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, a trusted pastor, a trusted godly wife mentor, a trusted Christian counselor, etc…)

RELATED:

My Husband Is Not Being a Good Enough Spiritual Leader

Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things?

Biblical Submission Doesn’t = the Husband Is “Always Right”

Biblical Submission – A Huge Key to Peace

Our Submission Is Primarily to Christ

I’ve REALLY Messed Up – How Do I Make Things Right with God?

Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Don’t Always Notice

59 thoughts on ““My Husband Doesn’t Have a Calling from God, How Can I Follow Him?”

  1. I absolutely loved this post. It is right on time in my life. Thank you for letting God use you for his glory. It is blessing folks everywhere.

    1. April,
      You are most welcome! Thanks for letting me know that this was an encouragement. 🙂 I sure wish I had understood this 21 years ago when we first got married!

  2. Thank you for this post today. What does a wife do to encourage her Husband who may be running from the plan God has for His life?

    About 2 years ago I began to learn and embrace Gods design For my marriage. I had spent the first 5 years of my marriage tearing it down with my disrespect, nagging , and ungratefulness. When i began to learn and embrace my role in the marriage my husband was able to step into his. He began to lead us in countless ways that he wasn’t able to do before because i was always in the way and i praise God for this.

    But for the past several months there has been a huge change and i find myself struggling not to be disrespectful the way i use to. Everyday he is angry. He is angry at most people on his job, if i or the children make a mistake he will yell or curse. This is defintely not his norm. He used to lead us in a weekly family devotion time now he barely wants to go to church. He has completely changed the music he listens to which is now extremely glorifying the things of this world that God hates.

    I have tried to gently talk to him about the change ive seen and encourage him but he said that it seems as though im trying to mother him. He is now very cold to me and says that i dont accept him as he is. I may be blind to my own sin but i dont feel that is the case. He just gets upset whenever i mention anything about his actions that hurt or affect me. The other night he came home at 4 in the morning because he went out to get a tattoo. The next morning i was hurt and told him that and he again said i was mothering him. I just dont know what to do its not that i want to control him it just really grieves my heart to see what’s going on with him and whenever i try to say anything, i just make matters worse.

    I know he is a grown man and i cant change him but as a helpmate how do you encourage your husband who was once on fire for God that you see now going backwards. he is my husband but he is also my brother in Christ. Can a wife respectfully practice galatians 6:1 with her husband? Sorry this is so long

    1. Hisdaughter,

      Wow, it sounds like things were going so well for a long time – and then a sudden change. Hmmm… Was there a triggering event (the death of a parent, getting laid off from a job, a diagnosis of a major disease for someone in the family or something)? Do you know if he is dealing with any mental health issues or addictions? Is he using drugs or alcohol to your knowledge? Is there an emotional affair or anything that you are aware of? Or a new group of unbelieving friends?

      It can be really difficult for a wife who has seen her husband move toward God to watch him slide away. It is tempting to go back to all of the disrespect and attempts to control, lecture, preach, interrogate, etc…

      It is ok to respectfully, gently bring up concerns. However, if the situation is that he is moving away from God, it may be necessary to go back to the I Peter 3:1-6 principles again. At this point, what I am hearing you say is that he cannot hear your words about spiritual things. Is that possible?

      Is there a godly mentoring husband/pastor/counselor that he would be willing to talk with?

      Is there anything he is doing RIGHT that you could thank and praise him for?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      I do think that it is possible for God to lead you through a husband even in a situation like this – but – you are going to need to be prepared to not submit if he is seriously not in his right mind or is involved in an addiction or if he is asking you to commit or to condone sin.

      For instance, if your husband decides he wants to sell the house, you can share your concerns and ideas, but you could cooperate with his leadership about that. But if he asks you to curse God or to renounce your faith, of course, you could not do that. I hope that makes sense.

      1. April,

        I guess i should have realized that we definitely went through something major that is affecting him I dont know why i didnt think to put this event and his current behavior together.

        …. (moderated details out – by Peacefulwife)

        Thank you for reminding me to focus on what is Right i have let the negative changes consume my thinking instead of dwelling on what is good, honorable and wrthy of praise. I have allowed fear to creep in when it comes to worrying about my husband and thuis has definetly affected my walk with Christ. Instead of looking to Christ I have been looking at my circunstances and allowing it to steal my joy.

        1. Hisdaughter,

          Oh my! (To my other readers, I am responding to something that Hisdaughter asked me to moderate out of the comments). I would say that experience was very traumatic and I can absolutely understand that he was affected by what happened. Perhaps he is having a bit of a crisis of faith. Maybe even some post traumatic stress syndrome issues?

          It sounds like he handled things during that crisis VERY, VERY well. It sounds to me like he was a blessing and an instrument of God to rescue several people from great harm. But perhaps that incident has affected him much more than you may have realized. Maybe he has had to come face to face with how vulnerable he is? Or that he cannot always protect you or others from every possible threat? Or maybe his faith has been in himself more than in God? I’m not sure.

          I think that there are some really important clues as to what is going on with him in the things he has been saying to you since that time. The stuff about that you don’t understand him and about God protecting him are going to be critical pieces of the puzzle here, I believe.

          We will pray together for him and for God to heal your husband and to greatly increase his faith in God and for him to find the answers he needs to find to his questions. And we will pray together for God to cause your husband to see what the enemy is doing to him so that he can fully submit to Christ and resist the enemy.

          Perhaps God desires to use you to greatly bless your husband during this time of his struggling and doubts and God may use you to model deep faith and God’s unconditional love as He draws your husband back to Himself?

    2. Hisdaughter
      I hardly ever comment on Peaceful wifes blog but felt I had to encourage you today. My husband also started suddenly acting in the way you describe – loud music, stopped church and a lot more. I was so confused, and just became an absolute ball of pain as all his actions and behaviours hurt me and our family. I cried, I prayed, I fasted and I sought God in a way I have never done before. I finally came to the conclusion he was having a major midlife crisis. I used to think a midlife crisis was something funny – new car and wanting to go to gym but it is actually a major crisis for the person and their whole family. I came across a great Christian organisation that deals with this called Midlife Dimensions. I also got Jim Conway’s book – Men in midlife Crisis. Hisdaughter your husband may not be having a midlife crisis …. I will be praying for you and and your family. I also want to say my husband is coming out of this horrible time. Daily I see God working in him, and as I am typing this he has come in and asked if there is anything he can do for me!!! The changes in both of us have been hard and for me so so so so so painful – but we are coming through victorious. As peaceful wife always reminds us – focus on your relationship with God, spend time with Him and get your strength peace and joy from God. Praying for you my sister!

      1. Thank you sophia208 and I praise God for what he is doing in your marriage 🙂 Thank you for the reminder of where to get my peace and strength from

  3. I love this:
    “…Not a big deal. God knows how to use even pagan kings and entire nations to do His bidding, whether they know they are cooperating with Him or not.”
    How did I not spot this myself?!? It’s so obvious! Thank you for saying this. My husband is not a believer, yet, but I am beginning to understand how God can lead me through him even so. I am trusting God’s plan for him, and for us as a couple, and I know He is able to fulfill His purpose for both of us (psalm 138:8)
    I love your fluency and the way you write, April, it truly is a gift from God.
    Much love in Christ
    Sus

    1. Sus,

      Isn’t that awesome news?!?!

      In the LORD’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him. Proverbs 21:1. Read through the Old Testament (and the New Testament). God is sovereign. He uses unbelievers to accomplish His purposes all the time. He is able to change the minds and hearts of leaders and those in authority over us. He is able to give us favor in their eyes. He is able to reroute their plans through dreams, their own desires, circumstances, miracles… His ability is unlimited!

      Now, if your husband asks you to clearly sin against God, you will have to respectfully refuse in order to submit primarily to Christ, which is your first responsibility (more on that in the post Spiritual Authority). But, if your husband is not asking you to clearly sin or to condone clear sin (and your husband is not involved in drug/alcohol addiction, unrepentant infidelity, or suffering from a major uncontrolled mental health issue), you can trust God to lead you through your husband. And as you trust God to lead you through your husband, interestingly enough, your faith in God and His sovereignty will draw your husband to Christ, as well.

      Praying for wisdom for you and for God to continue His good work in your life and your husband’s life for His greatest glory, my precious sister!

      1. I know! I LOVE the old testament and how much it teaches us about God’s sovereignty! I have found a new delight in it recently, having spent a number of years mainly focussed on the New Testament.
        And just to clarify, and give thanks for, my husband is NOT involved in any of the things you so wisely listed above, and I am aware of how blessed I am in this regard. God is good, and has given me a good husband, and I am trusting that now I am (doing my best at) being the kind of wife he both needs and deserves, he will now start to hear God as you describe in some of your other posts. But if he doesn’t that is also fine! I will honour Jesus in my marriage and trust that my husband’s salvation is in His control. My delight is in obedience to God and so I no longer have this burden (idol) of my husband’s salvation. I also no longer have the resentment towards him about his unbelief. Freedom! Praise God!
        Thank you April for a great post today and all your wise teaching and good encouragement.

        1. Sus,

          I just love the stories of the Old Testament! So amazing to watch God’s sovereignty in action.

          I’m glad that your husband is not involved in those things. I pray for God’s wisdom and protection and guidance for you both. I am excited about how God will use you as His partner as you walk in obedience and faith in Christ and as you trust God’s sovereignty to lead you through your husband – how God might use all of that as well as His Spirit to draw your husband to Himself in time.

          I pray for your husband to come to Christ by the power of God’s Spirit working in Him.

          I praise God that you are not resenting your husband’s unbelief. He cannot open his eyes himself. Only God can open his eyes. So, very good not to resent him about that state of spiritual deadness that he is in right now. WOOHOO! I’m so thankful for what God is doing in you and can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you both!

  4. “I kept wanting to run way ahead and do things my way.”

    April if you didn’t say this I was going to address it since this is usually an issue with husbands. I don’t know about anyone else but when a wife is not supportive there is a chance the husband will not able to think straight. Especially when he is very concerned about his wife.

    Other than that, good post.

    1. sdw,

      That was definitely an issue in our marriage. I was so overbearing, so “right,” so prideful, so impatient – it was very difficult for Greg to hear God over my constant voice. 🙁 Breaks my heart now. I was not willing to give Greg the time he needed to think through things and to lead. I didn’t realize that he needed hours, days, or weeks, sometimes longer, on certain decisions. I wanted every decision to be made in 5 seconds or less. How thankful I am now that God gave me a husband who will carefully research things and thoroughly process decisions and not hastily rush into something foolish.

      God’s timetable and Greg’s timetable are often much longer than mine. I used to think that was just awful. Now, I am thankful. I see how God leads me through Greg. I am totally fine with waiting as long as it takes. I don’t ever want to rush ahead again. Oh, I have gotten myself (and both of us) in so much trouble doing that!

      As I stopped all the criticizing, lecturing, preaching, criticizing, nagging, telling Greg what to do, negativity, etc… Greg said it was like someone took the “static off of the speaker with God’s voice on it.” And then when I began to learn to truly respect and honor him, to build him up, to trust God to lead me through Greg, to trust Greg, and to be patient and wait on both of them, Greg said it was like someone “put an amplifier on the speaker with God’s voice” in his life. Wow.

      How I wish that every new bride could know these things!

      I was like many women when they start this journey. I was pretty sure Greg couldn’t hear God. And I was scared to trust God to lead me through someone who couldn’t hear God. But – why couldn’t Greg hear God? I know why now. As I focused on my own walk with Christ and my own obedience to Him, and this was a LONG, SLOW multi-year process, Greg began to be able to hear God and to lead well in time.

      Thanks for the comment!

  5. As I stopped all the criticizing, lecturing, preaching, criticizing, nagging, telling Greg what to do, negativity, etc… Greg said it was like someone took the “static off of the speaker with God’s voice on it.” And then when I began to learn to truly respect and honor him, to build him up, to trust God to lead me through Greg, to trust Greg, and to be patient and wait on both of them, Greg said it was like someone “put an amplifier on the speaker with God’s voice” in his life. Wow.

    This explains it all.

      1. Seriously… that is so well put. I need to hang that up in my house somewhere (the speaker with God’s voice quote). That is SO important to remember! Oh man!

        Your husband has a way with words! Isn’t that awesome about men? Something we’d take twenty minutes to explain, they can explain clearly and concisely in two sentences! 😮

        1. Blessedout,

          This is one of my favorite insights that Greg has shared with me. SO powerful! God has used Greg’s ability to explain things to really help me understand him and other men so much more accurately.

          I’m glad this blessed you, too!

  6. Amen! I had a feeling I knew what you were gonna say in regards to that, and it was what I thought it’d be! Basically that he DOES have a calling, even if we don’t realize it yet. We are so impatient with our husbands sometimes, and by extension, the Lord. It’s crazy how much learning to just chill and start respecting our husbands (and the Lord) can make such a huge difference in our mental processes. I thank God for what He’s revealing to me about respect, and I pray that I’ll learn more and more about it as I grow and submit to Him.

    1. Blessedout,
      YES! All of our men DO have a calling from God – they just may not see it or know it yet. Just like us, really. 🙂

      I am so excited about what you are learning in your walk with Christ and your marriage. I praise God together with you!!

  7. April – I believe this is a pivotal thought change for MANY women. I’ve been in so many Bible study groups and relationships where this could’ve been so healing. This really is a life changing idea! (I know it changed mine!). Thank you so much for getting the conversation started!

    1. YES!!!!! How I wish I had understood this critical concept 21 years ago!!! What a difference this knowledge and understanding could have made earlier in our marriage and in my walk with Christ and in my approach as a wife.

      You are most welcome. I am so excited to see all that God will do in each marriage through this truth.

  8. Wow! Anotber post that hits home!! This is so helpful because I used to think that my husband wasn’t spiritual enough. Now I know I cannot think that way. Thank you so much April!!

    1. Kat,

      I think that most wives tend to think that way. I know I used to think I was SO spiritual and Greg was not. YIKES!!!!! Boy was I prideful and self-righteous!

      Right – it is all about God’s ability to lead and His sovereignty – it is not about “how spiritual” we think our husbands are. Thankfully!

  9. Thank you April. Yesterday morning I was driving to work and praying for my family. Recently I can see them slipping into the distractions of the world. I was afraid and telling God that this is His family and He is our God and to step in and lead and guide us through my husband. I’m the one who prays with the children and speaks about God to them, but there is only so much I can do. Anyway, I came back from work and as I tucked my kids into bed and prayed with them they each had really deep questions which led to conversations about sin in our lives. God had heard my prayer. Then I read your post. All so encouraging. God is our God and I’m reassured that he’s leading our family through my husband even when it’s not clearly apparent.

    1. Charli,

      I pray along with you for God to draw each one in your family closer and closer to Himself by the power of His Spirit. I pray for His greatest glory in each of their lives, and for them not to be ensnared by the world and its temptations.

      I pray for God to give your husband his wisdom, as well, and that He might empower your husband to grow and to lead in the ways that God desires him to for God’s greatest glory in his life and your family’s lives.

      Much love to you!

  10. Today I read this post, it is late and I should go and sleep but am awake and crying inside, not because of my husband for he is leading and I can trust him but because of my church, can you stay in a church that chooses to go a worldly way, that is how I see it, until now I had hope that somehow staying I could somehow help this church to not turn from Gods word. I have failed for I cannot. Can God lead me through a lost church? He certainly can but just now I cannot stay. My anger at the church makes me unfit to do so.
    Leaving the church leaves me withouth a congregation for there is not another more acceptable nearby.
    Can God lead me withouth a congregation, I do not know I have never been on my own in my faith.
    For my husband church is just burden and we can not know the truth. I understand but can not agree. For me the bible is thruth and I can not compromise with that, that is why I do not see any other option than to leave my church. It does hurt though.

    1. Tabitha,

      I can definitely understand how incredibly heartbreaking this kind of situation can be. 🙁 Breaks my heart just thinking about it. Are you free to share what is happening just a bit?

      I think it depends exactly what the situation is and it depends on how God leads you and your husband to respond.

      Let’s pray for God’s wisdom for your husband and for you. And for His intervention in the church if they are truly going away from Him. Certainly Jesus is even more concerned about that than either of us are.

      Sending you a huge hug, my precious sister! I don’t want you to have to be without a congregation. But I don’t want you to have to compromise the truth of God’s Word, either.

    2. This morning I woke with a dream, I felt content, just letting go yesterday, gives me some peace of mind. I had lost all joy in church. It became a burden.
      I believed that prayer and biblestudy are the way to grow in faith and I felt comfortable in the traditions. Now I know the traditions is not the most important but we are led to take in new ways. Socialfocused, focus on how to attract people. I do not care much for social events, the preaching is also focused on caring and sharing in itself this is not wrong but for me the gospel is first about Jesus and how I am forgiven through Him.
      It is a lot about how to understand the word and it seems it can be bend in many ways.
      I believe in the thruth of genesis and the flood, this is odd in my country. I believe a woman should not be a pastor but I do understand that there are other ways to understand these texts, I have to compromise with many believes but still in my little part of church it was okej. Now we are to atract folk with music and interesting events this is much work and what does it teach about the gospel. The strange thing is that in itself it does not seem wrong for the message is, be good, be like Jesus.
      And so I think, yes we should follow him but withouth the proper understanding of the sacrifice of christ It is empty words for how would I be able by myself.
      Leaders in the church come with how we need to see the message in the light of modern times and understanding. That we should not be afraid of change implying that resisting change is fear. It is guite complicated, with small changes all the time, but my own growth is going the other way round from understanding the bible in a esoteric ny age kind of way to accepting it as the word of God, and compromising becomes a bad idea. I get reaction like we have to respect each other and do we not have to care and we can not just come with this preaching of sin for most people are hindered by that.
      I am limited in my personal resources and puting a lot of work in activities that might attract people so they feel accepted and connected and so maybe than take them to the gospel? I just can’t.

      The dream this morning was amazing it was a moment of understanding, like I could see beyound the now.
      God knows not only who we are, who whe have been but also who we will become. He choose each one to call them out, He saw oss even in Adam and Eve and choose to allow history to unfold for all our sakes. Like if He would have drawn the line at that time we would not have come in existence.
      It made me feel confident God can guide me, through my husband and even withouth a congregation.
      So for a moment I felt unburdend carried in His awesome power.

      I do now wonder a bit if I should not try a little harder, but just now I do not see how, for I seem unable to reach people att church and if I not myself can grow there it does become difficult, like fighting against the tide.
      I need great clarity of speech and a faith that can not be rocked if I am staying, just now I simply lack the strength. It looks a bit like what I read on the internet about the purposedriven church in the US.
      I am not totaly sure but it feels all wrong.

      Am I just becoming an old fashioned traditionalist or what is going on? This church led me towards faith but now it is this faith about how Jesus is my saviour, that leads me away. How God redeemed me through Jesus and how in Jesus we meet God. My certainty seems to scare other people and I hurt them if I stand against these ideas now. I admit that I lack the skill of reproving with a kind and loving heart. My tongue is too sharp, but to be silent does not work either.

          1. Tabitha,

            Many, many churches are abandoning God’s Word and not seeking God’s power, but following their own man-made plans. To me, that is a call to greater prayer and intercession for our church leaders and our church body.

            I am praying with you, my dear sister!

      1. Tabitha, just read your post and yes this is something i am also and have been going through since i had decided to truly seek the Lord and live by His word alone. What i found was that so many things i had just believed and gone along with were not in God’s word or plan for believers at all. Yes the Holy Spirit was leading me into truth because i was seeking it. I began to feel a struggle within, do i just go along with church although I didn’t agree with it many things? Were the things i didn’t agree with worth leaving the church for? And many other questions. My husband and I began to look around at different churches to find one that was more interested in what the word actually says rather than what we want it to say. Recently i went to visit a church with my mum that my husband and I used to attend a few years ago, it just seemed so wordly to me this time visiting and I knew it was not where we were meant to be although a few years back it was okay. I don’t think we wil find the ‘perfect’ church as there are no perfect people but if you feel torn within and struggle every time you go to church then maybe it is well worth you and your husband praying about it and seeking out a new place to worship. Don’t feel discouraged but feel joyful that you are being lead, growing and able to discern better the truth of God. It is sad that the word is being watered down and even twisted to fit in more with the world but it is up to us as individuals to hold fast to what is true and good. Blessings!

        1. Thank you for your encouragement,
          Still strugling though, my pastor wants to talk and I am examining my arguments at the same time asking myself who am I to criticize.
          I wanted to just walk away but still am upp to my ears with reading and examining where to stand and how to react.
          Sadly there is no church nearby with acceptable biblical vieuws, a pentecoastal one maybe comes closest.
          I blame much of this because my country is extremly secular and churches by large totally surrendered to mainstream thinking and evolutionary beliefs.
          Just now reading a book on the web on this.
          At answers in genesis.
          In a way it is this our church who does not have a calling from God anymore but in stead is strugling for ways to attract people, and they think they find that i preaching unconditional love and social outreach.
          Though some may be helped many will stay unreached.
          If I am going to stay I need strength to not let the ground I stand on be eaten away and my energy be absorbed by nice meetings with friendly nothings.
          As of now I do not feel called and my husband thinks it better to stay away.
          One problem is I get angered and do not answer with firm love and good arguments. Not good.
          Another is I get no nourishment from the church en have to find this on the web.
          Love this post because it helps to consider that God has a calling for me though I do not see that just now.
          And I can trust Him even now I see my country so massively fall away from christ so much so that it cannot be called a christian nation anymore.
          And yet I did find Christ here, though I did not seek Him nor had any thoughts on ever going to church.
          I often think If God could reach me and meet me in the midst of me being totaly convinced of my ny-age believes and shamanism. Yet He pulled me out, convicted me of my sin and leads me, falling stumbling and all. I am a lot less certain about many things I was before but verry certain about God and how Jesus is my saviour.
          I stubbornly searched for God, so much so that it was my prime goal yet I never thought I would find Him in church and christianity because I believed that was obsolete, outdated. So I know God can reach a person even totally outside the church and with a secular church as His tool.
          This amazes me to this day for I am very well aware how my faith is a gift from God and as it was buildt step by step, and slowly but gently turning me away from just these believs and convictions I now see creeping in into the church.

          1. Tabitha,

            I am very concerned that this is happening in the church in many countries. 🙁 we will pray together for God to send His Spirit to draw us all to conviction, repentance, obedience, and regeneration by His power alone!!!!!!!!

  11. April,

    Oh my word. My husband and I literally just had a conversation about this just a couple of nights ago. I have been struggling since we got married almost 4 years ago because I didn’t know my husband’s plan for his life/career. I have been trying to push him to choose something and go with it. For a couple of years now he has been talking about a specific career path and I am completely behind him 100% but to me it seems like he’s all talk with little to no follow through. Which led to the conversation we had the other night.

    It started out with me asking him if he looked at a house blueprint I had posted on Facebook that would be my idea of a dream home. He hadn’t looked at it and so I brought it up and had him look at the plans. He saw that if we were to ever build the house it would cost an amount of money he never envisioned himself to be able to afford. I explained it’s not something I expect. It’s a dream that if we were ever in the position to afford, I would love to have. He then told me that he doesn’t ever really have dreams like that because he just goes day by day and dealing with whatever falls in his lap.

    That really bothered me because ever since I was little, I’ve always dreamed about the what ifs. What if one day I could afford whatever home I wanted, what would it look like. What if I could be whatever I wanted, what would that be? What if I could do anything what would I do? They’re not necessarily things I expect, but dreams that if the opportunity presented itself what would I want. When he saw the blueprints he saw a huge house that had so many rooms he didn’t think necessary. I explained I didn’t want a huge house just to have a huge house. But I saw it more as a house in which I could serve others. If a family was in need of a home for whatever reason, our home would be big enough to give them a place to live until their home was available. Or space big enough to have relatives stay with us instead of a hotel. Having home bible studies with friends for fellowship. So many ways to serve others.

    When he heard why I would like a house like the blueprints he was more understanding of my motive but still didn’t think it could or would ever happen. Again I was bothered by this. This led to discussing the career plan he has been discussing for the last two years. Ever since he told me about it, I see so much potential for how things could work. He could run his own business and employ a handful of friends. The business would be more of a service organization because it would help families have more energy efficient homes. It could really help the families he employs and the families whose homes he would work on. I’ve mentioned this vision to him before, but he just can’t see it. I see it so clearly and I have tried to show him this vision but his lack of interest or inability to look into the future really stifles him.

    With all this said, I feel like my husband could have a very big calling on his life, but his lack of planning, lack of seeing the vision, etc makes him just look at each day and that’s all he sees. And even with that he still doesn’t like to plan out his day with things that he could do that day. He literally takes things moment by moment. It bothers me so much. I know I shouldn’t be bothered by this and just relax and follow his lead. I just don’t see the leading. I try so hard to wait for him, but so much he just sits there and literally we do nothing. All I can do now is

    1. pray that God gives me a calmness so that I don’t become anxious over what seems to be a lack of leading.
    2. pray that if my husband is missing something that God leads him and that my husband follows that lead.

    I’ll be following this series of posts because I know it’s something I need to know more about.
    Crystal

  12. Hi April!! Thanks for the wonderful post. I totally agree.
    My husband is sort of doing something right now I don’t fully agree with but I’m not sure if I handled it correctly.

    Long story short- he is having several disagreements with our pastor(his boss) and their relationship is pretty much Non existent and only a business type relationship (unfortunately) :/ he wasn’t mentoring him but always bringing him down and confusing him and my husband doesn’t feel loved by him or that he’s genuine. For a long time my hubby tried to reach out to him to a certain extent (he is very independent) and didn’t feel the relationship was being reciprocated so he gave up. Some things came to light and my husband mentioned the way he felt and our pastor apologized. Since then pastor has continued to treat him like a child and like he’s above him on occasion like before but also at times he’s tried to reach out, or invite him to hang out or something.. well in a lot of ways I do see where my husband is coming from! And I do agree mostly with him.

    And in the past we’ve had issues of him feeling like I am on everyone else’s side besides him or trusting other men like a pastor more than him so I don’t even wanna go there! But when he let me listen to a voicemail from pastor today I thought it sounded very nice and genuine but he thought it sounded rude and demanding…. I wanted to tell him I think he has some contempt for his brother in Christ and needs to clear it up but I know his response would be the usual, “he doesn’t want to change.. Doesn’t want to listen… Not worth trying… I don’t want to hang out with him he makes me feel uncomfortable…. ” So I just kept to myself and then prayed for my husbands heart and for pastors heart and for their relationship Like I’ve been doing forever it feels like ! But idk if this is deep rooted sin I need to confront my husband about how he feels and acts towards this man? Did I do the right thing by keeping quiet? Or should I speak my mind on the subject?

    Thank you!!

    1. Learning wife,

      This is going to take much prayer on your part and great discernment and sensitivity to God’s Spirit about when and if to say something and to know what to say. God doesn’t necessarily have to have you confront your husband about this. He is able to convict him without you if He decides to. But He may direct you to respectfully mention something at some point.

      I have a post “Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sins” that may be helpful.

      But more than anything, your husband needs to be able to hear God’s voice and needs God’s Spirit to reveal this sin to him. I pray for God’s leading and wisdom for you both! It may be that God reveals to you that He wants you to say something at some point – “Honey, I don’t hear the pastor being rude in that voice mail. He sounded genuine and loving to me.”

      I vote to do a lot of praying and seeking God before speaking, and to be sure you are clearly hearing God’s prompting before you share. But if you know that God is prompting you, then do share respectfully, softly, gently, and politely. And probably briefly.

      Much love!

  13. Dear April,

    Thank you so much for this wonderful post. April, I need your wisdom. Actually, one of my Japanese readers recently asked me the following question;

    “I am conducting a family worship (including Bible message) at home. My children and I are believers but my husband is not. Thankfully, though, he is joining the family worship anyway. Now, I started to realize that woman should not teach nor to have authority over a man (I Tim 2:12). Well, then, what shall I do? I find it difficult to find the borderline between “teaching the Bible” and “sharing the Gospel” with my husband.”

    I haven’t thought about this kind of situation before and I don’t know how to answer to her question, so I wrote about this question on my blog in order to gain good input from wise sisters.

    http://japanesebiblewoman.blogspot.gr/2015/03/ladies-i-need-your-wisdom-where-is.html

    I know you are very busy and I don’t want to disturb you but if it is possible, could you please share with us your thoughts or introduce me one of your previous posts which deals with this issue?

    Thank you so much.
    from your little sister, Kinuko

    1. japanesebiblewoman,

      Hmmm… that is a difficult situation. How wonderful that he wants to join in on the family worship!

      I think a wife could do a lot of praying, possibly even fasting, seeking God’s wisdom about exactly what to do and what to say and how to approach this issue.

      A wife could let her husband know that she respects his position as the God-given leader of the home, and she can check with him about how he might prefer for her to handle that.

      I would also consider framing it like she is teaching the children, but that she welcomes her husband to listen. She may want to show much humility and be sure that he understands she is not lecturing him or preaching at him. Having him there does show his support for what she is doing. I think that is great!

      Much love to you!!!

      April

      1. Dear April, this is Kinuko (Japanesebiblewoman). Thank you so much for your wide advice!
        I will translate what you kindly wrote here and send it to this lady.

        Thank you so so much. May God bless you richly.
        Kinuko

      2. Dear April,
        Hello, this is Kinuko. Thank you so much for your advice to this Japanese lady. Yesterday, I received an amazing testimony from her. She wrote to me that when she listened to your advice and showed respect to her non-Christian husband, he has changed greatly! And their relationship has deepen dramatically. She really appreciates your advice and prayers. Thank you so much, April.

        Now I want to translate this post for her and other Japanese sisters who have non-Christian husbands if you allow me. Would you give me permission?

        May God bless you and your family.
        Kinuko

        1. Dearest Kinuko,

          What a wonderful story of God’s power working through a wife who is walking in obedience to Himself. I praise God for this amazing miracle!!

          Of course you have permission to translate whatever you believe God would desire you to translate. Thank you for sharing with our Japanese sisters. You are a treasure to me!

          Much love
          April

          1. Dear dear April, thank you so much for your kind reply! I am going to send your message to this Japanese lady. And I will start to translate this wonderful article right away! with tons of love and thanks, Kinuko

  14. I began as a new cop in LA in 1988. “Vision” is what I had. God put me there. I was in that job, heart & soul. My future set, wife at home, money, retirement, respect of wife family and friends. The job ended as quickly as it started. I could not go back though I pursued it for years! What I lost then in a mans respect is unrecoverable! God’s plan is something of a joke to me as half my kids are in rebellion, sin or special needs (my precious Downs child).
    Women hear me out: when a man loses his career that his mind is set on, he cannot necessarily find another. Teen boys in this country see this and wonder what the measure of a man really is if they cannot find a “true calling for a job.” There are times that true success is elusive for many men. There are also times where a man cannot handle career success because the meaning of life is absent of God and savior. Sometimes I wish my wife could accept me as a husband who has done his best and the world has simply walked up and down my backside. Women just want us to fix our careers like we fix an old pipe. I wish it was that simple. I envy those guys in my church who retired as police officers, firemen or some other great profession. They seem to have great kids, great house great life, then grandkids. It’s simply not the consensus of reality. I look for those so-few things I CAN control and I pride myself in them. Career planning and life planning is rare for most men. I fear for the future of men in this country. We’ve been reduced to a beer-commercial girl-watching guy with a limited vocabulary. If you are a woman who has married a godly, healthy, leader-man with a workable Godly plan, you have found something more rare than gold itself. Good luck in finding it.
    April you seem to have a good catch. (Fist bump to him)

    1. Jeff,

      It is wonderful for a man to have a calling and vision that he believes is God’s purpose in his life – for his career, his spiritual growth, his marriage, his family, and his ministry. But – as you well know, our human plans can change in an instant. We don’t always have much control over our circumstances, our job security, the economy, a recession, our health, the ability to land another job…

      This is why I would love for wives to focus more on a husband’s desire to obey God and listen and follow Him wherever He may lead rather than focusing on a husband’s plans or lack of plans. I hope that makes sense! God is the only one who can really plan anything and cause it to come to fruition.

      “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1

      Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4: 13-17

      Thanks for the fist bump to Greg. 🙂 I am truly blessed to have the chance to be Greg’s wife and so thankful God has given me time to repent of my old sinful ways and that He has changed me.

  15. Thanks for this post my husband doesn’t have a calling from God how can i follow him. this is where am at in my marriage and the post is encouraging to hear from persons who’ve been there experience that and witness the power of God in their lives. am hopeful. thanks for sharing.

  16. I came across your blog through a Google search for submissive Christian wives. I’ve tried & given up many times because I felt like my husband wasn’t “playing by the rules” of being the Dominant head of our relationship.

    Lately I feel like the Lord is pushing me back to learning how to be that peaceful submissive wife. I am also going to school to get my degree as a Christian counseler. It is through what I am learning that has led me to a deeper faith now that I have a much better understanding of the bible and faith in general.

    My husband does believe in God, but we are at different points in our faith walk. Also, my husband is a recovering drug addict & alcoholic (he has been clean this time for a little over 2 yrs). One if the things I have learned in both my classes and from others who are recovering addicts is that whatever age you became heavily involved with drugs/alcohol, it is at that point the brain stops developing. Unfortunatly, my husband can be more like a crass middle schooler who thinks stupidity is amusing (if you scroll through his facebook posts, you’d understand).

    In addition to this he only works 2 months out of the year, leaving me as sole financial provider. I make no where near enough money to live on. We just eek by. Sometimes he will borrow money from his buddy or his dad to float us through to my next paycheck (I only get paid every 2 weeks). To add more stress my 19 yr old daughter & 28 yr old son live with us. It is a constant cause of friction with us because we see things differently. And, of course, I am the protective momma & will always defend my children (there’s some guilt thrown in there too because of past hurts & mistakes).

    I don’t mean to pour all this out, but I’ve been reading through what some of the other ladies have posted and saw how kind you were to them. And I have no friends to talk to & I don’t want to further burden my husband. Through my courses I have come to understand why he is the way he is (although he will deny this). Have deserves to have a wife who is supporting and loving. And I know how the wife can be the example to the unbelieving (or “lukewarm” Christian) husband. I know that the Lord can only change me and help me to be an exmple to my family.

    There is so much more to the story but I will refrain from making this any longer. I am going to faithfully follow your blog and keep praying. And hopefully I will find other Christian women that I can learn from. I’m totally on my own in this journey.

    God bless & thank you for this blog.

    1. Linda VanDeusen,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      There certainly are many more challenges for a wife to be a godly wife if her husband has a history of drug/alcohol addiction and if there are spiritual maturity issues.

      How I praise God that your husband has been sober for 2 years!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

      I would imagine that it is difficult to try to change the dynamics if he was struggling with active addiction for many years in the marriage. Do you have any mentors helping y’all walk through this process? Does he have an accountability partner or mentor? Do you have a godly wife mentor individually?

      What does he believe should be done to make things better in the marriage, family, and financial situation?

      Do you believe that he is capable of being responsible or of making wise decisions?

      Are there any things with which you believe you could trust to him at this point?

      If you get a chance, this post may be interesting.

      And, have you ever read Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas?

      Much love to you and the biggest hug, my precious sister!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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