The specific things I respect about my husband have everything to do with the good that is in him – his talents, his abilities, his character, his love, his care for me and our family. But how respectful I am as a wife is about my character and that is what I am specifically talking about with women in this video.
Video is about 10 minutes. Enjoy! 🙂
Hello April,
Very good and true…and well stated. I am 55 and married for 24 years. My first marriage last for 8 years. Everything you teach is what I have learned these last 10 years of my marriage. As a wife who was always (are you ready for this) -in love with God and pleasing Him -but never respecting or submitting to my husband, -yet always wondering why he wouldn’t lead me – but always praying that God would make him a leader! God woke me up with a few words one day, “You don’t love me. The way you love your husband and respect him is exactly the way you love Me.” I was blown away. Shortly after that I began praying that He would show me HOW to respect and honor and submit to my husband. Not that he wasn’t respectable or any of those things, I just literally didn’t know how. We are just not taught these things. A few years later, God showed me another reason that I was not able to submit. After my divorce, I had made a vow, “i will never let another man ever tell me what to do.” Ten years into this second marriage, I began reading in the book of Exodus what God had to say about vows. That was when He spoke to me about the vow I had made. Once I asked Him to forgive me for making that vow, and took action to “break the vow”, I repented to God and my husband. Well, the vow wasn’t the only thing that had to be broken. My heart wanted to surrender. But, this flesh was so hard from all of the years of disobedience. I praise God for your website and for my husband who has remained patient over the years. It has been a journey. But, the key to change is a heart desireous of change. God can do the rest. We just can never give up…Thank you again!
Mission61,
Wow! Your story sounds so much like mine! God showed me the exact same thing that He showed you. So amazing. I praise God for what He is doing in your life! WOOHOO!!!!!!
Reblogged this on To our bodies turn we then.
Thanks for the video, April! I really liked the scriptures you put in there, and the suggestion about putting our names in 1 Corinthians 13 as a way to measure how loving we are being.
🙂
Jenn,
You are most welcome, my sweet sister. 🙂
I agree with this, however I find that this kind of respect and love is impossible without God. When we are lacking in being able to do this, it is a good opportunity to die to self and have Godly sorrow, asking God to give us His love.
I also think that a husbands actions are partially the wife’s responsibility, but only in the sense of that she should pray for him if he is not living in alignment with God’s standards. This of course has nothing to do with voicing disapproval but is between the wife and God.
Bless you 🙂 I enjoyed some of your other videos on youtube.
Alunealeia,
YES! We cannot be godly wives apart from God!
A wife cannot control her husband or force him to do what she wants. She can influence him. She can share her heart, mind, perspective, concerns, and feelings respectfully as she listens to the promptings of God’s Spirit. And she can absolutely pray for her husband to have God’s wisdom and for God to work in his life to accomplish His will and His glory. Wives can also confront their husbands’ sin at times if they are willing to go about it in a godly, biblical fashion with pure motives.
Much love to you! Thanks for your comment!
Hi April, great video! I hadn’t thought of respect that way; meaning the respect I show my husband as a reflection of my relationship with Jesus. You have given me a lot to think about. I like the way you put your name in 1 Corinthians 13, I will give that a try. I have so much to learn…
God bless you April!
Melanie,
That was a very helpful way for me to look at it – to understand that how I treat my husband reveals how I am treating Jesus. And the I Corinthians 13 thing helped me see my sin in ways I couldn’t see them before.
Much love to you! I’m glad this was a blessing.
Hi, April. I’ve been enjoying your posts for a couple of years now. I just want to ask, “Is that Chimney Rock State Park that you and Greg are standing on top of?”
Caroline,
Yes it sure is! 🙂 I am so thankful that the blog is a blessing to you. I appreciate the encouragement!
I also agree that this kind of love is impossible unless God does something in your life. And I’m not sure a continued regimen of gritting your teeth and acting “as if” is the same thing as God doing something in your life. Just how does this happen? Much of what I have seen taught seems to be a basic behaviour management program made largely of human effort but with God’s name appended to it. and it often produces only surface level change. Just sayin’!
Is there a way to see God do something that is so real, so obviously of divine origin that it is clearly not of human strength? In my life, I just don’t have the love one who is contact with God should have for fellow lost sinners or the mercy most of the time. I mean, I get that it doesn’t happen in a week or a month, and I get it that when God is obviously doing something we need to cooperate, but within a year or so I would expect to see something real occur, some substantive change if God is REALLY doing something. Do others struggle with the “real time” aspects of this as I do?
.
Patricia,
No, gritting your teeth and trying harder and doing this in your own strength isn’t effective. It is like trying to make your car go without gas in the tank. Our own effort is pitifully inadequate and our own strength cannot accomplish God’s will and His work in our lives. And, yes, others struggle with this, absolutely.
Some signs that we are doing things in our own power:
– Our motives will be about things other than pleasing and loving Christ and blessing our husbands.
– We will be very discouraged because our husband isn’t changing and isn’t loving us the way we want to be loved.
– We will see pride, selfishness, self-righteousness, contention, and other sinful thoughts and behaviors in our life from Galatians 5:18-21.
– We will not have the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23
– We will feel like we cannot hear God.
– We will feel constantly defeated.
– Our motives will continue to be about our idols.
– Our desire to sin will remain constant.
– Our desires won’t change to match the desires of God.
– We continue to cherish some sin in our lives (our bitterness, our unforgiveness, the idolatry of self, of being in control, of our husbands, of feeling loved, of healing our marriage, etc…).
– We think that it is all about US and what we do – saying the right things, praying the right prayers, reading the Bible “enough” but we don’t actually trust God or know Him.
Signs that it is God who is changing us:
– When we fall, we want to get right back up.
– We begin to hate our sin.
– We begin to see that this is all about us and God and not really about our husbands.
– We begin to understand how much our sin hurts God and our husbands and our marriages.
– Our desires begin to change. We are willing to give up sin and turn away from it even though it is scary and painful, and we are willing to embrace God’s way, His wisdom, and His will no matter what the ultimate outcome will be.
– We begin to walk in obedience to God and to desire to be obedient to Him, not to get something for ourselves, but just because we love Him.
– We begin to have genuine love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control on a daily basis in all of our relationships on an increasing scale. (Galatians 5:22-23)
– We want God to change US more than we want Him to change our husbands.
– We hold our desires loosely and desire God’s will above our own will more and more.
– Our motives begin to change to be that we only long to please and love God and to obey Him and to bless others.
– We begin to see that God is truly the greatest treasure there is and that as long as we have Him, we have everything!
If you haven’t, please check out the post about being filled with the Holy Spirit.
Much love to you!
Patricia,
Please check out today’s post. 🙂
Thanks April, just read the post today and was amused to see it was about what I was wrestling with. So I’d say a bit of both going on then – beginning to hate being stuck in “the slough of despond” and other Bunyan-y descriptions of wrestling with sin, and realize how many of my motives are about using God’s resources to “hire other lovers” as far as the idol thing goes . So there are shafts of light piercing through the tangle of thick overgrown weeds in my particular jungle. At the same time, seeing things that fit on the doing it in your own strength for wrong reasons list.
Patricia,
Your question inspired me. 🙂
YES! At first, that is how it is – shafts of light piercing through the jungle overgrowth.
I’m so glad we can be on this journey together!
I
Hi peaceful wife, my question is how can I share with my sister how much your site and this approach has helped me- she is struggling in her marriage but she is older than me and has been married a lot longer. Years longer. We dont talk very often and live in diff states but still love each other so much. How can I share with her about what I’ve learned and how much this has helped me without coming across like A “know it all” or like I’m better. She hasn’t asked for my advice so I don’t want to insult her but I’d love her to experience the same marriage healing as I have.
Anonymous,
Great question!!
I would suggest praying about it first, and being very sensitive to any prompting by God. Then maybe you could find a post or video that is about something that is a fairly “neutral” topic and share a link with her.
Much love! I praise God for what He is doing in your heart! 🙂
Thank you for your response. That’s a great idea! :-). I’ll find a neutral message to share with her. 🙂 So thankful for how God is using you to spread His word!
Gotta love computers. I was wondering, if your husband makes you extremely angry; you just can’t seem to control yourself in the heat of the moment, and lash out at him….how would you suggest to be more loving and respectful? There have been a few times when I try to take a step back to count and breathe, but he seems to just keep at whatever he is doing at the time. Other times there is almost no way i can even think of doing that….There are times we even get into arguments in the store for some reason or another. I hate it, and can’t seem to “let it just slide off my sholders” like some people try to say for me to do.
Alicia,
Is it possible for you to recognize you are feeling triggered and to ask for some space to step away and pray, cool down, and collect your thoughts?
I assume he knows that things escalate quickly with you – maybe when things are calm you could respectfully ask how you might best step aside to get yourself together and then return when you are ready to be respectful and honoring of him?
Also, please decide not to yell. Instead, whisper. I do this with my children many times… it is very effective. You can still communicate what you need to, but in a whisper.
Or, you can try giving him a hug – if he is not violent or in a rage. That may help you calm down, too. Or you could ask for a hug.
Want to give an example of how things begin to go off track and we can talk about ideas of ways to approach in a respectful, gentle way?
Stepping away for a while when we are in public isn’t necessarily the easiest…especially now that I no longer have a guide dog to help me not run into everyone/thing.
There are times when we are shopping, and the kids are being kids. He gets mad that he has to be the one to find things and he isn’t the greatest at it anyway… I on the other hand, even though the kids are being boogers, try to enjoy myself as much as possible since each trip I get to go to the store is like an adventure or reprieve from being stuck at home all of the time. (Besides, I hate shopping to begin with, but getting out is oh so refreshing!) He will end up yelling at the kids, and then they start crying. Then the anxiety rises SUPER quick.
One of the more recent times we were having to wait an extremely long time for an oil change to be done, and there were SO many people in the store so everything took longer. He turned into his olger personality, and nothing I would say would get through to him. I finally broke.
After a while, I realized we haven’t eaten for some time…we sat down to eat and by then I calmed down enough to explain (yet again) my side. He finally listened, and said that he didn’t think of things from my prospective, and was sorry.
Alicia,
I wonder if there is a way for you to help keep the kids from annoying your husband, to encourage them to be quiet and to be respectful of their dad and as much as possible, to support his parenting and show them that you are united with their dad? Not that you want him to yell. But if you can encourage their respect and being well behaved BEFORE he gets to his breaking point, and remind them to be respectful and to honor their dad, that may be a big help? Something to consider. If he does yell, be sympathetic but support your husband. “Let’s be quiet so Daddy can think,” and give the kids a hug if possible. I am not sure how old your children are, but if they can have something to occupy their minds while y’all are shopping, that may be helpful, as well.
Not eating for a long time turns a lot of people into very grumpy people. It sounds like you handled things pretty well in that situation
My girls are 2 and 3. I want to disagree with you when you say that you say i did things well. I still yelled and said mean things to him. Yes, we talked it through after we ate…but I still HATE it when it happens! I almost feel as if I cannot control what I say or do at times….
Alicia,
Oh! Well, yelling and saying mean things wasn’t ideal. But realizing that y’all needed to eat and then sharing your perspective after that would be good. 🙂
Yeah…Thanks for the advice and support! It is greatly appreciated. I will attempt to keep some of the tips in mind from now on. Please pray that I may catch myself before lashing out in public especially!
Thanks so much for the video. It really answers my question about my post in your other blog. You are speaking TRUTH whether we wives want to admit or not. Thank you soooooooo much for making this concept of respect for husband’s SO clear and SO simple to understand. I mean this one 10 minute video has been more clear and helpful to me than all the hundreds of books and sermons that I’ve read and heard. Glory to God.
JT,
I’m so thankful that God spoke to you so clearly through this video. That is my deepest prayer – that God would speak here and that He might empower me to share His truth in an understandable, relatable, clear way. I praise God for what He is doing in your heart! I pray for His greatest glory in your walk with Him and in your marriage and family. 🙂
After yet another night of failing at all of this, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Ugh, why does this have to be so hard!
Anyway, Thank you for so much for always boldly speaking truth. The Lord is using you so much in my life. 🙂
Jenna,
This IS completely unnatural to our female minds, and to our sinful flesh, and it goes against our culture. There are LOTS of reasons this is very hard! And it tends to be a slow process. Like eating an elephant. You can’t eat it all in a day, a week, or a month. It takes time. We have to chew on a bite for awhile and digest it. Then when we are ready, move on to the next bite and ask God to help us understand.
One thing we definitely get to learn on this journey is PATIENCE! 🙂
You might be interested in the discussion we are having today in the comments on this post about this very topic.
Sending you a huge hug!
Much love,
April