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“I’m Thinking of Having an Affair”

This is an old post, but, I hope it might be a blessing to some who are playing with fire today – pointing them back to Christ and the safety of His arms.

14 thoughts on ““I’m Thinking of Having an Affair”

  1. Good and necessary warnings, April. In addition, unfortunately, many Christian women commit adultery via serial monogamy — they don’t have an affair while married, but they will divorce their husbands without biblical grounds (because of all the kinds of unhappiness and hurt you describe here) and then re-marry someone they believe will solve all their unhappiness. It’s still adultery, but it’s “legal.”

  2. Thank you so much for this post, April. Things are going well in my marriage but lately I’ve been feeling tempted by thoughts of “maybe I would have been happier if I’d married so and so”… the man in question simply being a friendly single brother. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be to resist temptation if that brother had shown a romantic interest in ME. It has been a long week but with bible study, prayer, and reading your blog (particularly the post about chasing happiness) the thoughts have finally subsided. Every time I noticed a sinful thought pop into my head I chased it out by mentally shouting “NO! Go away!”

    This has been a struggle for me this week and I can only imagine how much harder it would be for women who have an unhappy marriage PLUS the person they desire also trying to woo them. I can only say that you would need to avoid that person as much as possible, and seek refuge in God’s word. Because even though we KNOW what the Bible says, our hearts are deceitful and seek only pleasure, even when it is wrong and the fallout is disastrous, because the desire is so strong it can almost overwhelm what the logical part of our brain knows to be true (that it is sinful to commit adultery and devastating to everyone involved)

    1. Jay,

      I am glad you are noticing the temptation and the source. And I am really glad you focused on God, His Word, prayer and chasing out those thoughts that would tempt you. That is wonderful!

      I am praying for you – for God to draw you nearer and nearer to Himself. For Him to empower you to be faithful to Him. And for Him to flood your soul with His supernatural peace, love, joy and fulfillment.

      Thank you so much for sharing! I am sure many wives will relate to these tempting feelings and I believe what you shared will be such a blessing.

  3. I know what that feeling is like, unfortunately I gave in and 10 years later my husband and I have only just started to put the past behind us. My next big hurdle is how/when and if I should tell my 8 kids. Many people tried to talk me out of it. But I was stubborn. Praise God I had an army of christian warriors praying for me, my husband and infant daughter and our reuniting and healing. Sometimes only prayer can break the chains and heal.

    1. Megan,
      I am so thankful that you and your husband are working through this and seeking to rebuild your marriage. And I am so thankful you had so many people praying for you!!!!

      Thank you for this word of warning to other wives. I am sure you would do anything now to be able to go back and change your decisions from 10 years ago. I’m so thankful there is grace available to us all through Christ and I am thankful that many people tried to talk you out of the affair. I wish everyone had friends like that!

      I pray for wisdom for you and your husband as you seek to build your marriage upon Christ and His Word and His healing and for wisdom about what to share and not share with your children and when.

      Much love to you!

  4. April, thank you for re-posting this. This was a temptation for me just one year into my marriage and I didn’t even recognize it. I never would have consciously said “I am thinking of having an affair.” I unfortunately did not recognize that dwelling on an emotional attraction is still an affair and is devastating to your husband. When my husband found out he was so hurt and I couldn’t understand why. “I just admired some things about him, and he understood me and was fun to talk to! That’s it!” I tried to explain. As a woman I am an emotional creature, and emotional connection comes very easily. But my husband told me that for men, it is so difficult to build that emotional connection and open up in that way, that he felt like he had been seriously betrayed and lost that special connection with me. He said it would be like him having a physical relationship with a woman, and the effect it would have on me. For many women it is difficult to build that physical connection and share that part of yourself with a man. Imagine if your husband started fooling around with another woman! Ouch! Emotional affairs affect our husbands deeply, are deceptive, and VERY REAL!

    I recommend NOT going to co-ed bible studies without your husband! If you are attracted to spiritual men, this is a super bad idea!! That’s where it all started for me. I even have to avoid serving in ministry where men also tend to serve. Children’s Ministry is usually perfect for me 🙂 

    For us, we decided not to go to that church anymore, and that connection is not a temptation for me now. But I’m not foolish enough to think that Satan couldn’t try to put some other super spiritual guy in front of me again. Even six months later I still sometimes have dreams/nightmares where that other man shows up, and I know it is Satan using the same old tactics to try to tear apart my marriage. Gross.

    1. Daisy,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is easy in our culture today to think that there is nothing wrong with being close emotionally with another man. But that is how most affairs start. It is wise to protect our hearts and I think you offer some very helpful, practical wisdom here for our sisters to help others avoid this kind of mistake and regret.

      I love what God is doing in your heart!!!!

      Much over

    2. Daisy, my story is very similar. The person I spoke about above I had an emotional attraction to about 1 year into my marriage. I struggled through it then but moved past it through prayer and the wise counsel of a trusted older Sister, and we eventually moved to a different church. Recently I ran into this same man again at some church functions and found myself attracted to him all over again. This time I am much wiser and it took less time to ‘get over it’ because I have been through it before. In 5 years I have grown more, spiritually. My defences are stronger. I have two children now, even more reason to not screw things up. My life with my husband is richer now through more shared experiences. I am not going to throw that away.

      1. Jay, Hooray! It is good to be reminded that we don’t have to be stuck in our sin and we have victory in Christ 🙂 Great news!

  5. name is markeyta I really appreciate this web site it has given me alot of insight on life and life with Christ,I am in a relationship with the father of my twin boys there 4yrs of age, I love my children more then life and im very much in love with there father I need to work on my relationship with god it’s real hard because im not his wife but we are having relations, im not asking for answers because at the end of the day and in the early morning’s I tlk to my father (JESUS)and he gives answers, I pray the lord does touch my childrens father heart because he is a good man and a great father and I know he will make a wonderful and blessed husband as well as a man of god

    1. Markey,
      It is great to meet you! I am so glad that you want to be close to. Christ and make things right with God. Is your man willing to get married?

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Yes, it will be necessary to stop any sin you are aware of. There will probably be a lot of other sins that need to go, too. You may want to check out Thursday’s post about what it means to be an ungodly woman – and then Mon and Tues I will have posts about godly femininity.

      Part of following Christ is that we willingly turn away from all of our sin and turn with all our hearts to Him, yielding fully to Him as Lord of every area of our lives. You can pray about whether to move out until you can get married or about whether you could get married very soon.

      He will provide a way for you to walk in obedience. My greatest prayer is that you might focus on Christ and drawing closer and closer to Him, allowing Him to radically change your heart, mind and soul to be more and more like HIm. 🙂

      I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you!!!!! 🙂

  6. I just wanted to say how important it is to guard your heart and marriage against emotional affairs as well as physical ones. I developed very strong feelings, almost overnight, to a man not my husband very recently and I have confessed everything to my husband and it has done a lot of damage. I see the look of hurt on my husband’s face and think “I DID THAT”. If I had been guarded against an opposite sex “friendship” to begin with, as my husband suggested I should be, I wouldn’t have opened myself and my marriage up to that kind of temptation.

    I just feel it’s important for women to know that it can happen even when you feel happy in marriage, just in a series of small moments. And if your husband says he has a bad feeling about a friendship, male or female- please listen to him. It might cause a desire to rebel against him, out of pride and stubbornness in my case, or for other reasons. But this is him leading you, and his instincts about this other man are probably right.

    1. hsaas,
      I completely agree with you! Thank you so much for sharing!

      Would you consider allowing me to share this anonymously? I believe we must all guard our hearts against developing emotional/spiritual attachments to other men.

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