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Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 2

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Continued from Part 1

Husbands answered my questions:

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

Ladies,

Please keep in mind that each husband would have his own unique answers to these questions. These husbands can’t speak for every single husband on the planet. But, I think it is helpful to get a feel for a variety of men’s answers to these questions. Then, the most important thing is to seek to understand and learn and know your own husband and his needs and to seek to honor God and your particular husband as you walk in the power of God’s Spirit, living in the grace, power and mercy of Christ on a daily basis, seeking God’s glory above all else in your life.

And, just like with the last post, I would like to please keep the focus of our discussions on what wives can do to bless and honor our husbands in the comments on this post. I am very aware that there are many, many needs and desires wives have, as well. And there are an infinite number of things husbands can do to bless, love and cherish their wives. But the purpose of this particular blog is for us as wives to focus on what we can do on our end of the marriage. Thanks!

I appreciate all of these husbands (and some wives, too) who took the time to answer these important questions and allowed me to share their thoughts!

 (PS – for wives whose husbands are lower drive sexually than the wives, or for wives who feel they don’t receive enough compliments from their husbands or who don’t believe their husbands feel attracted to them, this post may be one that would be wise to skip.)

HUSBAND 6

What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

A: I believe that a wife isn’t the only person who should be doing something to make the marriage stronger. As a man, I should be putting my part in to make it stronger as well. A marriage is a 100% effort from both parties involved. But for the sake of this question, I would ask my wife to stay supportive of my work which I’m trying to make as our main income. Help me as much as possible and push me that much harder to make it all work in our favor.

What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

A: Be supportive of everything they do. Understand that what we are doing as husbands is always in the best interest of our marriage and not just ourselves, even if at first it seems that way. Always be there, but never nag to know what is wrong. Sometimes we just need support. We go through a ton of negative thoughts as men who need to provide for our family and it can get very tough and scary for us. Physically we may seem like we are ok, but deep down mentally we are afraid to fail, afraid to disappoint and afraid to let our wives down.

What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

A: Cook his favorite foods, have a cold beer for him ready when he gets home, or a mixed drink. Always look your best no matter what. We want to come home and see our gorgeous wives and know that we work and bust our butt for these beautiful women. We work to give them the world. Don’t nag us for something we may buy, want or do. Just let us be and know we always have the marriage, relationship, family’s best interest at heart and we don’t do things that would jeopardize the foundation and stability of any one of them.

What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

A: As a husband, be there for them and encourage them to go for what they truly believe in. Guide them with some insight. Let them know they are doing a great job even if we don’t feel like it. As a spiritual leader, speak words of affirmation that guide his mind towards God. Email him once in a blue with scripture or sermons regarding a man’s duties to God and his family. And best of all let him know he is the the connection between God and your family and because of that connection blessings have come your way. Because he is a man of God, a God fearing man, your family is blessed.

(A note from Peacefulwife – if your husband is far from God, emailing him about a man’s duties in Scripture may repel him. I Peter 3:1-6 may be your best approach in such a situation. But, this will require great sensitivity to God’s Spirit in each individual circumstance. But if a husband is very resistant to his wife and very resistant to God – I would not suggest sending him anything or saying anything about God with words. As a wife obeys I Peter 3:1-6 and seeks God with all her heart, God is able to speak to our husbands’ hearts. And even if your husband IS close to God, note that this husband suggested only sending such things rarely. Not frequently. It would be easy for a wife to take a suggestion like this and then dump tons of emails about God on her husband. That would probably not draw any husband closer to God or to his wife. It could quickly become nagging. And, not all husbands always have their families’ best interest at heart in all of their decisions. But, some do. And sometimes our husbands actually do have our best interests at heart as they make decisions even when we can’t see it at the time. Thankfully, God always has our best interests at heart and we can ALWAYS trust Him!)

HUSBAND 7

1) Accept the possibility that ‘I may have told you about _____’ and you just forgot. No one remembers every word from every conversation. On occasion, a simple “I’m sorry, I must not remember that conversation” would be nice.
2)Pay attention to the little things that irritate me and try to eliminate them. I’m not going to divorce you on account of them, but they do bother me.
3) Be willing to experiment sexually (even slightly). Just because it is good enough for you, doesn’t mean it is for me. The same thing every time can get boring!
4) Be at peace whenever you can. Life can be rough, but God says ‘fear not’, ‘don’t fret’, and ‘believe’. I’m trying to be strong and make decisions based on His Word. Don’t second-guess what God says. I’m not perfect, but He is.

HUSBAND 8

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

Be more confident in her decisions and beliefs. Sometimes it is ok to disagree on topics, and I respect her opinion. I respect my wife when she voices her opinion in a positive way. Understand more about how intentional I am about spending time with her and our family, but there is a balance with work and home responsibilities that takes some of my time away from the family.

1. Things my wife already does: Stays strong in her Faith with daily time in the Bible and prayer. Encourages and supports me in everything that I do, and decisions I make. Doesn’t judge me on my past mistakes and errors in life.

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

This depends on the man, as each of us perceives caring from our wives in a different way. Some, it’s the physicality, some the doing (cooking, cleaning, etc.), others the heart connection (notes, cards, texts, emails)

2. Things my wife already does: She is strong in all of the areas listed above, but at different times. She knows that the simple thing of making sure I have pressed shirts from the dry-cleaners, takes a big burden off my shoulders. I understand she doesn’t like to do that task herself, but she makes the effort to arrange that they get done. She gets, that for me, it’s the little things. A simple touch on the shoulder when I am stressed or upset about something. My wife doesn’t like to cook, but tries to at times. The effort is always appreciated, but she also can stress over it. Keep it simple.

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

Become psychologists???? Men are strange creatures, and I know that there are times my wife sits there and wonders why my moods turn. For me, I would like my wife to learn what makes me tick in certain situations, and know that asking me, “What can I do to help?” isn’t always what is needed. Yes, I am expecting the impossible, figure it out without discussing it. LOL. I would like her to be more aggressive (sexually) at times, as far as initiating it, yet understand when I want to be the aggressor. Again, probably asking too much, but hey, she asked me to answer these questions, right???

3. Things my wife already does: Intentional about asking me what more she can do. Hey it’s a catch 22. I like that she is intentional about it, just sometimes would like her just to do, and see what happens. My wife is also an extremely respectful wife, and uses Biblical principles to govern who she is as a wife and mother.

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

Be strong and encouraging. Be consistent. Good husbands want their wives and family to be proud of them, and it never hurts to hear it. Understand that as husbands, fathers, and spiritual leaders, there may be time constraints that pull them away from their families. It may not be what they prefer, at the time, but necessary nonetheless. When a wife expresses their pride, verbally, in notes, and when talking with others, it empowers men. Real Christian men don’t shy away from accountability. We may not like it all the time, but we excel in it. How does that encourage? When a man hears someone else talking about something positive their wife said about them, it encourages us, and also in a way holds us accountable from the standpoint of continuing to do the things she is speaking of. It’s awesome to me when my wife says she is proud of me, or appreciates something, but when someone else comments about something my wife told them about me, it is like more real. Hope that makes sense.

4. Things my wife already does: She is a great encourager. The best. She gets it more times than not, and it empowers me. She is much stronger in her Biblical knowledge than I am, yet encourages me to lead our small study group. She constantly expresses to me what a good step-father she thinks I am to her daughter. She motivates me to stay connected with my own children. She is a wonderful mom, and that inspires me to make sure I am a solid leader in our home. It makes it easy, as she is so respectful and defers to me on final decisions. Some will be right, some will be wrong. We will talk through things, as I have great respect for her opinion, but at the end of the day, she empowers me to make the final call.

WIFE 1

My husband said that marriage could be more enjoyable if wives would “play” more. The idea of shoulder-to-shoulder activities; wives getting out there and doing something fun with their husbands 🙂 As far as fulfilling the roles of fathers and husbands, he said that just having a wife that sees and supports the positive things he is doing means so much to him. As far as being a “leader” the big word was “respect.”  Men don’t even want to partner with a wife on the big things if he makes decisions then a wife says, “That’s nice, but you’re doing it wrong”.

RELATED:

Why Do I Have to Submit in the Little Things?

Biblical Submission

How Respect and Biblical Submission Impacted a Husband’s Soul

What Speaks Respect to Husbands

Can You Overdo Respect or Submission in Marriage?

Husbands Share What Makes Them Feel Disrespected

How Disrespectful Was I?

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

Little Things (to Us) That May Feel Bigger to Our Husbands

Why Your Husband May Not Immediately Do What You Want

15 thoughts on “Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 2

  1. These types of posts where you ask the husbands their opinions are some of the most educational (especially this one, since it allowed me the opportunity to learn my own husband’s answers!), along with the ones where you give examples from your own experience. I’m so grateful for the creativity God has blessed you with in how to convey different principles to wives. Thank you for your work and ministry!

    1. M.,
      I’m so glad this blessed you! And how amazing to get to learn your husband’s answers to these questions!! You are most welcome. I pray that God might be exalted here.

  2. Can you help me with something April- or any of your wonderful readers who give advice on here. I am struggling with what you say about respecting your husband but not in sin or if he’s asking you to sin. I am having a huge problem. I have written on here before and am still dealing with it. My husband is very young minded and likes to be with friends a lot and drinks quite a bit. He is not some crazy alcoholic nor does he drink in front of us (mostly b/c hed rather do it with friends who say nothing to him about it), he doesnt physically abuse me in any way, he does not drink daily and is not physically dependent on it. However, he does have an addiction in my opinion b/c he will put us on the backburner to go drink and he has to at least once a week and quite a few, and liquor most of the time, to where he isnt sloppy drunk but he shouldnt be driving (and he does drive home). SO my question is in regards to what do you do when they are not asking you to sin but the sin they have is affecting your life- such as for example- my husband has to go watch sports with a friend…makes it seem extremely important ( i know its just to drink), i respect him with instead of arguing or making my comments, i say ok have fun. I expect him to keep us in mind, drinking or not, and not come home super late. I give him the respect of not acting like his mother and asking what time he will be back. Low and behold its pretty late, late for us anyhow, considering we all usually are in bed by 9:30 (we have 2 kids). SO then he does not come until almost 11 and I am up waiting b/c our front door is so loud it scares me out of my sleep if someone opens it while im sleeping (we are in a small apartment). So he’s not asking me to sin directly or even come around him when he is having fun with his sin- but its affecting me inadvertently and causing me to lose sleep, be tired the next day, not feeling like doing what I had planned, etc. and its all b/c of his sin (drinking). When I ask him either in an angry rude way or a nice respectful way he says it will never happen again and it does every time. So how do you handle that. If i dont have to respect his sin of drinking what do I do about things that his drinking is causing that are affecting me and the kids essentially?!???! I have been working on myself with the help of your replies/blog and working on my own sin and treating him with more respect…. but since this has been going on for so long (years) and I see no changes in him I feel almost depressed. I feel I would be so much better off without him around b/c when we have separated I was so much happier and felt so much closer to God and so many more blessings. I feel miserable around him b/c he will do those things once a week and he will lie to my face at times over it or saying he hasnt drank when he clearly smells like a bar. I feel i’m losing myself. I feel I’m aging b/c of this and losing out on my life. I cant remember the last time I laughed and had a few happy days in a row. this is horrible!!! I feel he’s dragging me down right along with him. Sorry so long! I am just at my wits end-

    1. Shana,

      Sin does hurt people. All sin does. Ugh. I am so sorry about what you are going through. 🙁
      I have never been in your situation. So, I don’t know that I am the best person to give you suggestions.

      Here is what I do know:

      – you will make yourself crazy if you set expectations on him that he must be home by a certain time, I think you may have to drop your expectations, potentially
      – you can ask for what you want – like maybe once or every so often (maybe every few months?)
      – you cannot control him
      – his drinking sounds like it is a problem

      You can say something like (when he is sober and in a decent mood and not about to go out), “I am happy for you to have fun with your friends. But I am concerned about the drinking and driving. I really feel scared when I think about what could happen. It would mean so much to me if you would please not drive when you are over the legal limit. I would feel much better if you could be home by 10pm. I love being with you and miss you when you are gone and I worry about you. I would sleep so much better if you were home.”

      However, if you have harped on him about this many, many times before – he is probably just going to ignore you again. I think he has shown he is going to do what he wants to do no matter what you say. I think he may be trying to show you that you are not going to be his mom and tell him what to do.

      If the biggest concerns you have are his driving when he had too much to drink, and his coming home late, I wonder if you would consider not condemning him for drinking at home? Would that be a possible option? I know it is not the best thing, but it could be better than the current situation?

      If he has been feeling very respected by you for a long time, he is a lot more likely to care about your feelings and consider trying to do what you are asking him to do.

      But right now, he may choose not to regard your feelings. You can only control you.

      Is it so bad that you need to leave? I don’t know the answer to that question. That is between you, God and your husband. I don’t think it is ideal for a wife to be separated from her husband, but there are times it can be necessary.

      Do you have any godly, wise counselor or mentoring wife you can talk to who knows you?

      What can you do to make home as attractive as possible and to be a blessing to him?

      Does he have a relationship with Christ?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      Is there a godly mentoring man he might listen to?

      Are you willing to find your joy in Christ no matter what your husband does or does not do?

      What do you do when he disappoints you again?

      You may be interested in this:
      “My Secret Idol”

      God Don’t Waste My Time
      Respect Doesn’t Work on My Husband
      When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God

      Since I don’t have experience with alcoholism, you may want to reach out for help from Al-Anon or from the Salvation Army or a godly pastor or Christian counselor if you feel that you cannot go on like this.

      Much love to you!

  3. Well my biggest concern would be his addiction/health and how it controls him- b/c when he has that on his mind and wants to go do that he does no matter what. my biggest concern is that, his health, his walk with God as well. Driving is in there too. All of it!

    Yes I have asked repeatedly, in all kinds of ways and I get the same answer and he never sticks to what he says. It is literally a week before it happens again, if not 1 week then definitely by 2. It is a cycle on repeat that I cannot get to stop. I recently tried the whole respect thing and letting him do what he wants, etc., so I am out of God’s way and God can have a clear channel to him so he can hear God’s voice on the issue; however, like I said, then it starts affecting my sleep, the kids sleep, our plans we might have had, etc. And that I just dont know how to deal with.

    In answer to your questions-
    – No I do not have anyone to talk to about this, Godly anyhow. Only person is my mom who is a believer but also my mom and tired of seeing me go through this and feels I never should have married him.

    -as far as the home goes- I do cook almost every night and make things he likes and take note of what he likes, etc. I do clean once a week the whole house. I do tidy up before he gets home. I do laundry once a week. I am very schedule oriented and routine oriented lol so all that gets done. I can of course improve more and declutter some more I suppose but I really can’t think of too much else on that issue to make it more appealing? My attitude most of the time is fine- however, with this happening SO much and SO often I used to be very happy in the in between time, that has since gone away b/c I know without a doubt it will happen yet again in about a week like clockwork. So, i’m not happy in between anymore. LIke I said, I feel very depressed, lack of joy, sadness, etc. I dont believe him anymore with his promises to change and I do not get happy in between the times.

    -He says he is saved, he said he got saved years before me, which I believe; however, has fallen off the wagon so to speak. He does not have an active everyday relationship with the Lord. He does not read at all and I do not think he prays at all. It sounds like to me only sometimes and if its a big issue with us going on, etc. I dont even think that is the truth. He does go to church with me weekly. He does know a bit of the bible, etc. But he does not live his life out for the Lord, he does not really talk about it any other time. The few times he really got into was very short lived- maybe a month or two at most and then back to the same friends, drinking, single mentality.

    -he had a Godly mentor from our church and he used to meet with him on occasion. He was a very good mentor person for him to have; however, he has since passed away. He has no other Godly mentors or friends. The one friend he does have that is saved and goes to church alone every single Sunday is a very nice guy but when my husband is with him my husband just drinks. Its almost as if he uses these “friends” to have people to drink with since he knows he cant with me. There is really no Godly people in his life otherwise. at all. He says he wants to join this group, go to this class, etc. but he never ever goes through with it.

    -I am willing to only find my joy in Christ. I have been reading your blogs nonstop and you replied to me many months ago about my own sin, etc. I did not apply anything at the time but just recently over the last couple weeks really have. I know I have been putting him as an idol, his sin (drinking), etc. I am praying about this all daily. I see it all. However, the issue I have such a hard time with is…. how do you find joy in Christ continuously when every single day you are around someone who is draining it from you by their sin, lack of interest in the marriage, etc. I live with this every day and it does not stop. When I lose sleep over my husands sin he has and cannot do what I need to the next day due to being tired, do you just ignore it and keep turning to Christ? how can I when it affects me like that? That is where my confusion lies.

    – when he disappointing me again, which will be in a week lol i just feel I cannot take it anymore. I feel so down, depressed, held down, held back by him. I do not know how to explain it. We spoke this morning and agreed to separate and he will be leaving November 1st. This is at my urging. I went to speak to him about how I am feeling and he cut me off (which he does all the time and I always feel I can never say anything to him) I am fed up to say the least.

    -as far as me goes, I am a believer and I do read my bible daily and go to church weekly. I am trying to dig deeper and read more of your blogs, I also bought the book Surrendered Wife a couple weeks ago. I do pray throughout the day, etc.

    please pray for me! I already have read some of the posts you suggested. I will read the rest. THank you so much

    1. Shana,

      I don’t think your mom will be able to be a neutral and objective counselor for you in this situation. Is there someone you could go to at church? Or, could you talk with your husband about how you want to go to counseling?

      The cleaning it sounds like you are doing a great job with. But – the joy in Christ is where you are getting tangled up. It seems to me that you are still basing your happiness and contentment on your husband’s behavior. Like, you are making him responsible for your emotional and spiritual well-being. Does that sound possible?

      What if God desires to use you to bless your husband and to draw him back to Himself?

      Does your husband say why he wants to drink like this?

      What does your husband want in the marriage?

      Is he feeling respected and honored? Is he super stressed at work? Is there something that is depressing him that he is trying to escape?

      What did your husband say when he cut you off about that you wanted to separate?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      Jesus IS sufficient. He CAN be your greatest treasure and your only source of joy even when circumstances are not good. When you find yourself feeling depressed, anxious, stressed and worried, is it possible to examine your motives? Are there things God wants to refine in you through this process?

      Are you willing to allow God to make you a strong, godly wife and to seek to bless your husband even if he doesn’t change? Are you willing to drop your expectations of him and just seek to bless him?

      I am praying for you – your walk with Christ is my first concern. A healed marriage will be a secondary thing, first you need the power of God’s Spirit filling you to be able to do this. What things are you afraid of trusting God about? What conditions do you place on God for you to trust Him? What are your greatest fears? Are you willing to face them in God’s power?

      Much love!

      Please search the term:

      – fear
      – idol
      – idolatry
      – bitterness
      – discontentment
      – contentment

      Much love to you!

    2. Shana,
      PS
      The respect thing takes many months, if not years to produce fruit. It is not a 2 week or 2 month thing. It is a permanent change in you because of your love and reverence for Christ, and it continues no matter what your husband does or does not do.
      It takes TIME.

      To fix the major issues here will take a lot of time. And a lot of self-sacrifice – dying to self. There is no guarantee that your husband will come closer to Christ and to you if you seek to obey God and totally submit to Him. But, if your husband is going to change, that is your only chance. Are you willing to focus on you, your end of things, your walk with Christ and becoming a godly wife no matter what? Even if your husband never changes?

      There may be a time when separation may be necessary. But – please be sure you are hearing God’s voice VERY CLEARLY before jumping into that.

      It seems to me that your husband is far from God right now. So, I Peter 3:1-6 is your most powerful approach. Are you willing to give that all you have?

      Have you read this post?

  4. yes I could find someone at church; however, the church I go to has grown so big it is a process to get any counseling and they do not make it so easy. One thing I dislike, but the pastor preaches straight out of the bible straight through each book so I learn a lot there. Went there when I was a child.
    -Yes that sounds extremely possible April! I say i’m ready to be used however the Lord wants to- but when things like that arise, BAM just cannot hold back the flesh lol its soooooooo hard. I have since spoken to my husband and apologized for my part and we are not going to separate. The reason he cut me off when i was trying to explain how i felt, he says, was b/c “im relentless”, “he does not want to argue”, “I just keep going”.
    -My husband uses a lot of reasons why he likes drinking so much…. stressed, our relationship, work, for fun, he just flat out enjoys it, etc.
    -well if youd ask him im sure his number 1 thing he’d want in the marriage would be to have no fighting. Also, have me not try to end the relationship every minute (which he used to do in the past a lot too), have me stop controlling him, have me be ok if he wanted to go watch a sporting event, etc., have no huge issues like we do, get along better, enjoy each other’s company.
    -no if you asked him he would say he definitely does not feel respected and honored. He says things that in reality mean he feels disrespected, but he does not use that exact word usually. he is super stressed at work especially lately. they have been putting a lot of work on him that is normally not his and putting high expectations on him. his bosses also from time to time act very disrespectful to him cursing and getting very mad when they ask a simple question, etc. my husband hates it. And i’m sure he tries to escape a lot…. our relationship problems, work stress, home stress. he was drinking before he met me so I am not all the reason, I do know that. However, I’m sure I do not help!
    -His parent’s marriage is-they are still married 30 something years later, pretty happily. however, his mom is the more dominant one, runs the house, sort of thing and his dad takes it and does whatever. My husband has made a few comments on that about how his dad is a doormat basically and I can tell it bothers him and maybe he resents his mom a tad for it. He also makes comments in regards to other men who he feels are “whipped” or “get run over”. Like he HAS to be firm and argumentative and stand his ground or he will be “one of those” and get “run over”. Basically in a nutshell, he does NOT want to be disrespected.
    – my parents- basically same thing. Been married 30+ years, same concept though- more domineering female, passive male. and it is funny b/c my dad does same thing with drinking only he doesnt go with friends as he is much older… but he sneaks it and has a problem with it it seems. my mom and me run into the same “issues”.

    – YES I feel the Lord is working on me and with me…. its just SO hard when the flesh takes over and in those single moments thoughts are running wild and words come out before thinking. Suggesting separation was not from the Lord- it was from spur of the moment anger. Thankfully, we got that straightened out. I am willing until those moments come! I am better than I used to be though. Through the help of your blog, etc. I have come a long way in how I view things and think about things/pray about it. So its a start I suppose.
    -yes I read that post, I will re-read and also read the others you suggested I search for. Your posts have been a breath of fresh air and have been so much help so far- i read quite a few daily, starting with very old ones. I do this on purpose to keep it in my mind and keep learning. I have printed a lot out and keep in a folder actually!
    -I downloaded the book you suggested- i could not find it yesterday at the bookstores. I am reading it and it is GOOD. Thank you for the suggestion. looking forward to reading it all. Thank you for your prayers. they mean A LOT and so does your blog. You are doing something SO great. reading your response yesterday prompted me to realize the separation thing I suggested was out of pure anger and that is wrong. and as one of your blogs have said- God does not bless things or approve of things done out of anger/spite, etc. If he is leading you to do that, that is fine, but he isnt leading something done in hatred/anger. BOY do I have a lot of work!

    1. Shana,

      Thank you for your response! I want to send a comment right away, but I am very pressed for time and I do not want to rush my response to you. I hope to respond tonight or tomorrow. Thank you so much for sharing and I can’t wait to continue this conversation!

    2. Shana,

      1. Maybe it could be worth it to find a godly counselor at church (preferably female for you) if there is one who will stay with scripture and who will help you guard and protect your marriage whenever possible.

      2. How is your time with Christ going? What are you reading? What are you praying for? How spiritually nourished are you? How much time are you spending with God?

      I am SO glad to hear that you are not going to separate! WOOHOO! That is an answer to my prayers!

      Have you tried sharing your heart with him in a very BRIEF way – just once? Then giving him time to think about and process what you shared?
      Do you realize that more words often makes things a lot worse?

      What can you do to stop arguing and complaining?

      3. Is he actually over the legal drinking limit most of the time?

      If so, have you checked out Al-Anon?

      If not, is it possible that you are over-reacting?

      4. Are you willing to stop trying to end the marriage all the time? Are you willing to be “all in” like you promised to be in your marriage vows?

      Are you willing to stop trying to control him?

      What are you most afraid of?

      What do you enjoy about your husband?

      What do you respect and admire about him?

      The things you say he would want to change in the marriage would be good things. Are you able to see that what he is asking for is good for both of you, for your family and for your marriage?

      5. You knew he was drinking before you met him. What were your expectations going into marriage about your husband regarding his drinking? Why were you ok with marrying a man who drank if you are so opposed to drinking?

      What stress are you causing him that you could cut out?

      How could you support him about the high stress he has on his job that would bless him?

      6. No man wants to be disrespected. Really, no woman does, either. Are you able to appreciate that maybe the fact that your husband stands up to you means he has a backbone and wants to be a good leader in the family?

      Are you able and willing to begin to trust him in some area? What would that be and how can you begin to show him real trust and respect?

      7. Are you able to see that what your mom and mother in law do are destructive to those marriages?

      How do you feel when you see the way your mom and your MIL treat their husbands?

      Are your mom and/or mother in law controlling with you?

      If so, how do you feel when they try to control you?

      What does it make you want to do in those relationships?

      8. I am SUPER excited that you are able to see that your idea about separation was born from anger, not from God. WOOHOO! THAT IS AWESOME! It is a very big step in a productive direction.

      9. I had to personally spend about 2-4 hours per day studying and praying and asking God to remove my old, sinful, toxic ways of thinking and to renew my heart, mind and soul by His power and His Word and His wisdom – for about 2.5 YEARS before I began to have any clue what I was doing as a godly wife. I’m very proud of you for studying so much and for seeking God with all your heart. That is AWESOME!

      10. You do have a lot of extremely painful work ahead of you – so does your husband. But – I believe God wants to deal with you first and get you out of His way so that your husband can hear Him much more clearly. Don’t worry, his turn is coming! I know when I see a wife who is willing to look at her own faults, her own sin and her own responsibility before God and who is willing to admit her sins – GOOD THINGS are going to happen in her life as she opens her entire life to God and submits fully to Him.

      Thank you so much for sharing! I am looking forward to walking beside you on this journey and seeing all the amazing things God has in store for you, your husband and your marriage.

      Much love!

  5. Thank you April! Definitely a lot to ponder on/pray about! I wont bog you down with yet another long reply, I know your very busy!
    Just so you know- my hubby does not lay around drunk, drink around the kids, be drunk around the kids, have it affect his work, etc. I don’t want you to get a worse picture than what it is! He does A LOT and most wives would be jealous- he takes care of the kids, especially the baby, walks him every evening, baths him more than I do, changes him without me ever even asking and feeds him if Im busy no questions asked- he is very good like that, always has been. He has a lot of good qualities. The drinking was taking place before we married; however, it was before we had the baby so to me it wasn’t “as” bad- also when we got married he promised he wouldn’t drink that way anymore, which he broke the promise obviously.
    I used to be that way- before I dated him. I wasn’t really living my life for the Lord, even though I considered myself saved. I then got into church, reading the bible, praying, and not seeing the friends I had anymore and not drinking anymore or going places i used to. I guess sometimes I get frustrated b/c I had my “turn around” so why isnt my husband having his?!
    Seeing women disrespect their husbands bothers me- well what really bothers me is seeing the men when it happens to them and they are passive. I also just started noticing this the last couple years- especially after dealing with the respect issue myself. I see it now so much on t.v., etc. I find it horrible. Yet I have my moments. The irony!
    people arent really controlling with me. I had 1 incidence with that, an ex- who was abusive/very controlling. I was in denile at that time and overlooked it, but fortunately got out soon after.
    sometimes yes it can be overreacting, it seems like if he even has 1 i’m gearing up lol he sometimes is over the legal limit, but sometimes not, its just wine with dinner, etc. Like I said he does not do it with kids around or in front of them, etc. Anyhow- thank you for your responses! I will keep reading and praying! I appreciate your time! You are helping me so much, as I am sure you do with a lot of others!

    1. Shana,

      That is interesting! Sounds like he is doing a LOT of things very right.

      Are you thanking him for that and showing respect for the good things he is doing?

      What kind of feedback do you generally give him?

      Much love!
      April

  6. oh and just to clear up any confusion- i have an older child (12) from a previous relationship, then I knew my hubby from childhood and grew up in the same neighborhood being friends, lost touch in high school and reunited through a mutual friend about 5 years ago, (another reason I accepted some of his faults then, b/c I had known him from so young and knew his family), we dated, engaged, married and we have a son together almost 2.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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