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Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 1

man praying

Here are some questions I asked the gentlemen readers a few weeks ago:

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

I am very excited to share some of the responses. There is something about hearing men share their ideas and their hearts and minds in their own words that is such a blessing and so very helpful to us as wives as we seek to learn to become the wives God desires us to be. Every husband would have somewhat different answers to these questions. Ideally, you may be able to ask your own husband what he thinks about these things, but, if you are not in a place in your marriage where that is possible, or your husband is not able to verbalize himself yet, these answers may be helpful and may get you in the ballpark, at least. I’d like us to consider that our husbands’ needs, desires and concerns are just as valid and legitimate as our own.

Ladies,

There are MANY things wives would appreciate our husbands doing for us, too. We have legitimate needs, desires and preferences, too. But, this two part series is not about what we want or what husbands should do or could do. It is about what our husbands want and need and how we can bless them.  So, as you comment, I would appreciate if we could stick with this focus, please. 🙂

PS-  if you are a wife whose husband is low drive and you are the higher drive spouse – some of the husbands’ comments may be upsetting and counterproductive to read. For some of you, this post may be one that would be better to skip.

Here is the link to Part 2 of this series.

HUSBAND 1

1. Don’t spare me so much. Don’t try to keep normal life stresses away from me. I don’t like going to the grocery store, but I know it’s part of life. I think it is a little mothering and demeaning. It feels like you’re trying to protect me.
2. Allow us to do our God-assigned tasks. That’s what we are built for. Let us fail or succeed but still be there. When you stopped picking on my bad qualities, it bolstered my trust.
3. Be adventurous in the bedroom. But it’s tough because from a man’s standpoint, you’re the wife and mother of his children. Sometimes it helps for the wife to show her sexual side.
4. Believe in them. Don’t say I told you so. Don’t crucify him if his well intended plans don’t work out. The key is for you to be his biggest and unconditional supporter.

 

(** A note from Peacefulwife – if the husband is the lower drive spouse and the wife is the higher drive spouse, a husband may appreciate less pressure sexually, at least for a time. For more on this topic, please check out this post.)

HUSBAND 2

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

Pleasant demeanor when we come home. Verbally appreciate when we do things around the house. Smile. Offer a massage. Imagine if we all treated our spouses like we treat customers and co workers at our jobs.

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

Dress modestly. Immodest dress says to your husband his attention is not sufficient for you and you need attention from strangers. If you’re getting dressed or picking out clothes to buy and have to ask if it fits the definition of modest…it doesn’t.

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

Men have fragile ego’s that need a certain style of stroking. A man’s confidence and success is directly tied to feeling desired, respected and appreciated. Hearing your wife compliment you especially publicly or to her friends shows she respects you and makes a guy feel like a million bucks. I’m not sure I would jump on the bandwagon of “be into the things he’s into”. Quite frankly I’d be a little creeped out if all of a sudden my wife sat down to watch a baseball game with me or overheard her and her friends analyzing last nights Patriots game. Would I want her to watch a softball game I was playing in? Absolutely but it would really seem odd if she wanted me to train her in how to play so we could be teammates. It depends on your husband and what and how he would respond to your “interest”. We may not have the emotional radar you do but we know when you’re not really into something.

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

Pray for us, pray with us and remind us periodically that you are praying for us. Men like to be reminded that you really are in our corner and have our back. A husbands life and death are in the hands and heart of his wife. Knowing I’ve done something to make my wife happy makes me feel good. Hearing it from her with a smile is an uplift like nothing else.

 

HUSBAND 3

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?
**When we started our journey, I asked her to pray with me. I think this is the strongest and most intimate thing a couple can do together. The next very important key is that she shows her respect for you. At home, in public, with family, always. Men are much happier when they know that their wife respects them. It’s an ego booster for sure, so be careful, men, don’t let it make you too prideful.

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?
**I feel very blessed when my wife lifts me up. She supports my (sometimes radical) ideas and/or goals. Even if they don’t always turn out the way I envisioned, she’s always there to support me. Also, she does so many things around the house to make my life (after a long day at work) a lot simpler. From fresh coffee, clean laundry and a peaceful environment, to hugs, kisses and a desire to please me sexually, I feel VERY blessed!

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?
**It may sound “old fashioned” or maybe (to the modern feminist) sexist, but if women took better care of their home, kids, appearance, etcetera, their men just might be a lot happier. Maybe it’s just me, but, I like coming home after a long day to a clean house, quiet kids, a nice meal, a wife that cares about her appearance, and things of that sort. MUCH more enjoyable than loud unruly kids, a messy house, and a wife in “cruddy” clothes. Also, try to take/show an interest in the things he likes. I love fishing with my wife, long drives, cheesy movies, classic cars, and we even discuss politics without arguing! I know, weird huh?!

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?
**Simple…Prayer (for their man and together), outward respect and devotion, and positive feedback!

 

HUSBAND 4

1. What are some things that you would like to
ask your wife to do for you that you believe
would make your marriage stronger?

  • She is available for sex.
  • Is good at making meals and learn better stuff from time to time.
  • A good home-keeper.
  • She is keen on being smart and good-looking even after marrying this dude.

2. What are some practical things wives can do
in general that would make their husbands feel
very blessed to be married to them?

  • Gentleness in how she talks to her husband.
  • Shows visible priority of husband over kids. The kids have legitimate need for attention but it should be obvious
    where her basic loyalty lies.
  • She is available as a helper when called upon without seeming to imply she is always doing this other more important thing.

3. What can wives do that would make marriage
enjoyable for husbands?

  • Giving gifts -doesn’t have to be a diamond studded bracelet ! Just visible proof that she wants to make you happy.
  • She is available for companionship and makes this one of her priorities (this is distinct from just sex).
  • She makes effort to learn what makes him happy and is committed to it.
  • She is keen to learn ways to continually improve her marriage and is not slovenly (ie allowing the water to find its own level). To acknowledge there is a better way that can bring more happiness.

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can
inspire and encourage their men as husbands,
fathers and spiritual leaders?

  • Not being independent when she makes decisions and consults her husband on relatively major to major decisions.
  • Trusting what the husband is doing is good/important. Allow him to even fail when he insists so he can learn from his mistakes. It is like showing the captain of the ship that your trust his leadership. This is an extreme motivator (my personal humble opinion).
  • Openly showing respect for him to the kids ( by acts and words) even by comments made when the husband is not present.
  • She knows she is not perfect and does not have to be the perfect wife but is willing to try on the above areas and others that she receives feedback on from her husband.

 

HUSBAND 5

Hi April, I just wanted to make one small ( but BIG) suggestion to couples. Please be sure to SLOWLY implement the changes so that your mate will not get defensive. I admit, I get ‘uncomfortable’ with drastic changes because I used to ‘sadly’ think the worst :(. The majority of the time – if we are sincere – we ALL want to make a quick change – but don’t weigh the consequences.

 

RELATED:

Why Do I Have to Change First?

Are Women Morally/Spiritually Superior to Men?

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

Why Won’t My Husband Lead?

Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things?

When Your Husband Won’t Answer

Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice

Nikka’s Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers

29 thoughts on “Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 1

  1. I also added a few more links to this post that may be helpful, as well. May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage. I believe He is completely able to heal, even at this point. I am praying for you and your husband!

  2. April, I sincerely appreciate your posts on a husband’s perspective. They offer so much insight, and are always such timely reminders. You know my journey, as do most on the blog, and I have had a few “old ways, bad days”, but through your posts, the books, my scripture, prayer, and the closeness I have build with Christ, I am reminded that not every day will be a perfect day. And it’s ok. I get up the next day reminding myself that it’s just another chance to bless my husband. We celebrated 21 years on Thursday. He gave me an adorable card and a dozen gorgeous roses. I did not see our relationship improving, and six months ago felt like our wedding day may become our divorce day as well. Thank you again April for opening my eyes. Keep praying for us. God bless. 🙂

    1. Catherine,

      I am so excited that you and your husband were together and not separated on your anniversary! WOOHOO! Praise God! We all have a lifetime of learning to do. But I sure do love being on this road together with you and our other sisters (and brothers). Congratulations on your 21 years. May God receive all the glory and honor and praise for all that He is doing in your life and in your marriage. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

    2. I am praying for you, Catherine. God’s redemptive powers when we live out our roles in marriage is so beautiful! I love the mental image of your husband’s anniverary gifts being given to you! He is blessing you as your desire is to be a blessing to him! Lovely!

  3. Hey April. I used to comment as a bride-to-be but today i am commenting as a wife; i got married about 6 weeks ago! yaay! For my husband, it’s accepting feedback without throwing tantrums and being defensive; whether the feedback is right or wrong, accept it first and even if i don’t agree, i should try and put it into action (as long as it’s not against God’s will). He said he’ll willing throw his hands up in candor if he is wrong but he would have felt respected that i listened to his feedback without trying to defend myself.

    1. GB,

      Thank you so much for sharing this and congratulations on your new marriage!!!! 🙂 It is very tempting to defend ourselves and to try to explain ourselves (why we are right, of course). But when we get defensive or try to explain without hearing our husbands, that can feel very disrespectful. Great point! May God richly bless your marriage and your walk with Christ for His glory!

  4. Sandi,
    Yes, each husband would have his own take on these questions. I am so thankful for the husbands who are able to articulate what they need and desire. That is a big help! I am also thankful for the husbands and wives who shared, because, I know there are many husbands (like mine in the past) who are not able to articulate their needs. So I hope that this may be a blessing and spur some discussions. And, maybe, it will even help some husbands find their own voice and begin to have this conversation with their wives.

    I praise God for what He has done in your marriage and in your heart, my precious sister!

    1. Sandi,
      And absolutely! We are always in God’s will and we are always a blessing to our husbands when we are filled with God’s Spirit and the fruit of His power in our lives is pouring out: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

  5. I’m sure everyone would agree that our biggest problem is not our husbands (or anyone else for that matter) but our flesh. Submitting to our flesh and its desires and cravings will always get us into trouble. What we need to learn more than anything else is how to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. When I am abiding in Christ and yielding to the Spirit’s control, I am a completely different person. When we allow God to work in us and through us, beautiful things happen. We cannot be the wives God wants us to be in our own strength or by applying earthly wisdom. We need God’s wisdom and we need His strength and power. We need His Spirit to do the work instead of trying to do it on our own. Despite our circumstances, we should always have JOY. That’s the best test of knowing whether or not we are living in our own strength vs. operating under the power of His Spirit. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so if we don’t have it, then we aren’t yielding. I think these definitions of the fruit of the Spirit vs. the works of the flesh (from Reformer’s Unanimous [a faith-based, Christ-centered ministry]) are very helpful to test whether we are being led by the Spirit or led by the flesh. Which do we see being manifested on our lives? The fruit of the Spirit or the opposing work of the flesh? God can and will transform us into the women of God that He wants us to be if we allow Him to do the work of transforming and conforming that He desires to do in each one of us. “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16.

    LOVE: the willing, sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others without thought of return.
    -vs.-
    SELF LOVE: the willing or unwilling giving of oneself for the benefit of others with selfish thoughts of return.

    JOY: a cheerful, calm delight in all the circumstances of life.
    -vs.-
    FRUSTRATION: a rejection or unhappy refusal in the circumstances of life.

    PEACE: to be safe from harm in spirit, mind, and body.
    -vs.-
    WORRY: to live in fear of harm in your spirit, mind, or body.

    LONGSUFFERING: an enduring temperament that expresses itself in patience with the shortcomings of others.
    -vs.-
    QUICK-TEMPERED: irritability that negatively excites our passions.

    GENTLENESS: softness in manner, temper, or words.
    -vs.-
    HARSHNESS: roughness in manner, temper, or words.

    GOODNESS: conforming our lives and conversations to behave benevolently toward others.
    -vs.-
    MEANNESS: refusing to be liberal with charity, thus avoiding any personal expense.

    FAITH: a personal measurement of the level of confidence in what Christ has done and will do in, through, and for us.
    -vs.-
    DOUBT: an attitude of unbelief, characterized by rebellion and disobedience toward God.

    MEEKNESS: the ability for God’s people to negotiate among others without causing friction.
    -vs.-
    DISCORD: any disagreement which produces angry passions, contest disputes, litigation, or war.

    TEMPERANCE: Spirit-controlled in all of life’s pleasures.
    -vs.-
    SELF-INDULGENCE: When self control ceases to control itself.

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

    “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

  6. I can’t convince my wife of godly modesty. She insists on dressing like women of the world. I show her verses and she laughs at my OT references. I’m disrespected when men look at her in public. In church I am very sheepish about my statements because I’m perceived as not being able to even control my wife. Help.

    1. stolywizard,

      It is a pleasure to meet you!

      I have some posts about modesty. You are welcome to search my home page for “modest” and “modesty.”

      But, no person can make another person be convicted of his/her sin. It is very difficult to be a spouse who is being sinned against. We can absolutely gently, lovingly, respectfully confront sin. But then, only God’s Spirit can truly open a person’s eyes to the severity of sin. We will pray together for God to open your wife’s and daughter’s eyes to His love for them, His truth, His desire for them, His plan and purpose and His glory in their lives.

      I pray for God to give you His wisdom, love, direction and the power of His Spirit and His Word as you seek to be the godly man, husband and father Christ calls you to be. It may be that your daughters might listen to you. It may be that as you share your concerns for your wife, she may listen in time. I pray that God might give you His strength to be more and more conformed into the image of Christ that God might use you to bless and draw your wife and daughters to Himself. Each of us can only focus on our own obedience to Christ – that is all we are accountable to Him for.

    2. stolywizard,

      I don’t have an great answers to this, but for me I wear skirts daily because my husbands always tells me how pretty I am when I do and I like that. 🙂 Maybe you could with your wife and daughters, compliment them when they wear something somewhat modest. Don’t say I like that because it is modest but rather You look so pretty in that!

  7. I’m in a spot. My own girls dress like sluts. Their mother walked away from The Lord and took the girls and went away. Now the girls are doing marihuana and dressing in provocative dress for boys. Help.

  8. Hello,

    Is it too late for Husbands to submit the answers to your questions? Let me know. Hope all is well!

  9. Thank you. I too struggle with lust and have had to ask the hard questions like is it her or me? The Lord holds me accountable for my thoughts. Lust is the individual’s problem / lust as in sin against God. I wanted to hold women responsible for my stuff. Yes, I think some of the Christian sisters in The Lord dress a little too sexily for Church services and even for say going to the grocery store. But, when I got real and honest and listened for the Lord’s admonition, I heard Him tell me my mental garbage re: her “inappropriate” outfit and exposed skin was much more offensive to Him than an attractive woman dressing as a pretty young Christian, in love with Jesus and singing in communal worship during praise and worship. I stood corrected. Also, I have been trained to bounce my eyes , I haven’t been. I’ve been told to have an accountability partner, mine passed away and I’m alone on that front. I have been known to watch racy R rated films with explicit female nudity and defend the tripe as “art.” As any one can see, I’m the one with the problem. I pray daily to God Almighty to aid me in holding every thought captive and no longer blaming others for my sin patterns. As far as modesty in the Church goes, I’m going to defer to leadership and women folk to police their own. But , my own stuff was too much a log in this Christian man’s eye to point out the specks in the eyes of others, esp women, as I saw fit. I tend toward arrogance and indulgence at times: this is one of those instances. Please, all, forgive me: esp women folk I’ve offended over this touchy subject in the past. I’m a wretched man without Christ. God bless you all. Amen.

    1. stolywizard,

      We are ALL wretched sinners in desperate need of the mercy, grace and forgiveness of Christ Jesus. I’m very glad you are taking responsibility for your sin and seeking God. I pray for you to seek Him with all your heart and to be fully submitted to Him, walking in His power to be able to be obedient and faithful to Him. I pray for Him to use your story, even the painful parts and even your marriage to draw many to Himself in time as He creates something beautiful from your life and this family situation.

      Thank you for your humility and willingness to focus on the log in your own eye. That is where we each must start. It sure was for me! I think I had a whole forest in my eye!

  10. Thank you for another wonderful post. I truly believe God led me to your words when I finally realized what I was doing to my husband and our marriage. I came to understand my sins because God whispered to my heart and I was finally able to hear Him. Your words and the shared experiences of yourself and the women on your blog have been immensely helpful as I begin to learn and pray for guidance. My husband has begun to notice that I’m much more respectful of him and his feelings, more at peace with myself, and have a gentler spirit which he says is really rubbing off on our children. Thank God! It’s only been two weeks, and I have so much work to do, but I no longer feel overwhelmed, lost, or frustrated. Thank God for you and your willingness to share yourself with those looking for guidance!

    1. Sabrina!!!!

      What wonderful news! I am thrilled about what God is doing in your life and in you remarriage and family! WOOHOOO!

      Please continue to let me know how you are doing. I praise God for His Spirit’s power speaking to your heart. 🙂

    2. Sabrina, thank you for sharing this. It is such an inspiration. I didn’t hear God for a very long time. Probably because I wouldn’t shut up long enough to listen. After nearly losing my husband (we separated for six months) I finally heard Him speak to me. I knew in my heart how horribly I had sinned and how deeply I hurt my husband. This blog inspired me to see the log in my own eye, when it was so much easier to focus on my husband’s mistakes and sins. Thank you for sharing. I am happy to report that my husband has moved back home and things have improved SO much.

  11. Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Daisymae! I know this has not been an easy journey for you – or for me – or for most of the wives who are here. But – God is so very faithful when we seek Him first and seek to honor and obey Him no matter what.

    🙂

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