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Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 1

man praying

Here are some questions I asked the gentlemen readers a few weeks ago:

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

I am very excited to share some of the responses. There is something about hearing men share their ideas and their hearts and minds in their own words that is such a blessing and so very helpful to us as wives as we seek to learn to become the wives God desires us to be. Every husband would have somewhat different answers to these questions. Ideally, you may be able to ask your own husband what he thinks about these things, but, if you are not in a place in your marriage where that is possible, or your husband is not able to verbalize himself yet, these answers may be helpful and may get you in the ballpark, at least. I’d like us to consider that our husbands’ needs, desires and concerns are just as valid and legitimate as our own.

Ladies,

There are MANY things wives would appreciate our husbands doing for us, too. We have legitimate needs, desires and preferences, too. But, this two part series is not about what we want or what husbands should do or could do. It is about what our husbands want and need and how we can bless them.  So, as you comment, I would appreciate if we could stick with this focus, please. 🙂

PS-  if you are a wife whose husband is low drive and you are the higher drive spouse – some of the husbands’ comments may be upsetting and counterproductive to read. For some of you, this post may be one that would be better to skip.

Here is the link to Part 2 of this series.

HUSBAND 1

1. Don’t spare me so much. Don’t try to keep normal life stresses away from me. I don’t like going to the grocery store, but I know it’s part of life. I think it is a little mothering and demeaning. It feels like you’re trying to protect me.
2. Allow us to do our God-assigned tasks. That’s what we are built for. Let us fail or succeed but still be there. When you stopped picking on my bad qualities, it bolstered my trust.
3. Be adventurous in the bedroom. But it’s tough because from a man’s standpoint, you’re the wife and mother of his children. Sometimes it helps for the wife to show her sexual side.
4. Believe in them. Don’t say I told you so. Don’t crucify him if his well intended plans don’t work out. The key is for you to be his biggest and unconditional supporter.

 

(** A note from Peacefulwife – if the husband is the lower drive spouse and the wife is the higher drive spouse, a husband may appreciate less pressure sexually, at least for a time. For more on this topic, please check out this post.)

HUSBAND 2

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?

Pleasant demeanor when we come home. Verbally appreciate when we do things around the house. Smile. Offer a massage. Imagine if we all treated our spouses like we treat customers and co workers at our jobs.

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?

Dress modestly. Immodest dress says to your husband his attention is not sufficient for you and you need attention from strangers. If you’re getting dressed or picking out clothes to buy and have to ask if it fits the definition of modest…it doesn’t.

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?

Men have fragile ego’s that need a certain style of stroking. A man’s confidence and success is directly tied to feeling desired, respected and appreciated. Hearing your wife compliment you especially publicly or to her friends shows she respects you and makes a guy feel like a million bucks. I’m not sure I would jump on the bandwagon of “be into the things he’s into”. Quite frankly I’d be a little creeped out if all of a sudden my wife sat down to watch a baseball game with me or overheard her and her friends analyzing last nights Patriots game. Would I want her to watch a softball game I was playing in? Absolutely but it would really seem odd if she wanted me to train her in how to play so we could be teammates. It depends on your husband and what and how he would respond to your “interest”. We may not have the emotional radar you do but we know when you’re not really into something.

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?

Pray for us, pray with us and remind us periodically that you are praying for us. Men like to be reminded that you really are in our corner and have our back. A husbands life and death are in the hands and heart of his wife. Knowing I’ve done something to make my wife happy makes me feel good. Hearing it from her with a smile is an uplift like nothing else.

 

HUSBAND 3

1. What are some things that you would like to ask your wife to do for you that you believe would make your marriage stronger?
**When we started our journey, I asked her to pray with me. I think this is the strongest and most intimate thing a couple can do together. The next very important key is that she shows her respect for you. At home, in public, with family, always. Men are much happier when they know that their wife respects them. It’s an ego booster for sure, so be careful, men, don’t let it make you too prideful.

2. What are some practical things wives can do in general that would make their husbands feel very blessed to be married to them?
**I feel very blessed when my wife lifts me up. She supports my (sometimes radical) ideas and/or goals. Even if they don’t always turn out the way I envisioned, she’s always there to support me. Also, she does so many things around the house to make my life (after a long day at work) a lot simpler. From fresh coffee, clean laundry and a peaceful environment, to hugs, kisses and a desire to please me sexually, I feel VERY blessed!

3. What can wives do that would make marriage enjoyable for husbands?
**It may sound “old fashioned” or maybe (to the modern feminist) sexist, but if women took better care of their home, kids, appearance, etcetera, their men just might be a lot happier. Maybe it’s just me, but, I like coming home after a long day to a clean house, quiet kids, a nice meal, a wife that cares about her appearance, and things of that sort. MUCH more enjoyable than loud unruly kids, a messy house, and a wife in “cruddy” clothes. Also, try to take/show an interest in the things he likes. I love fishing with my wife, long drives, cheesy movies, classic cars, and we even discuss politics without arguing! I know, weird huh?!

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can inspire and encourage their men as husbands, fathers and spiritual leaders?
**Simple…Prayer (for their man and together), outward respect and devotion, and positive feedback!

 

HUSBAND 4

1. What are some things that you would like to
ask your wife to do for you that you believe
would make your marriage stronger?

  • She is available for sex.
  • Is good at making meals and learn better stuff from time to time.
  • A good home-keeper.
  • She is keen on being smart and good-looking even after marrying this dude.

2. What are some practical things wives can do
in general that would make their husbands feel
very blessed to be married to them?

  • Gentleness in how she talks to her husband.
  • Shows visible priority of husband over kids. The kids have legitimate need for attention but it should be obvious
    where her basic loyalty lies.
  • She is available as a helper when called upon without seeming to imply she is always doing this other more important thing.

3. What can wives do that would make marriage
enjoyable for husbands?

  • Giving gifts -doesn’t have to be a diamond studded bracelet ! Just visible proof that she wants to make you happy.
  • She is available for companionship and makes this one of her priorities (this is distinct from just sex).
  • She makes effort to learn what makes him happy and is committed to it.
  • She is keen to learn ways to continually improve her marriage and is not slovenly (ie allowing the water to find its own level). To acknowledge there is a better way that can bring more happiness.

4. What are the most powerful ways wives can
inspire and encourage their men as husbands,
fathers and spiritual leaders?

  • Not being independent when she makes decisions and consults her husband on relatively major to major decisions.
  • Trusting what the husband is doing is good/important. Allow him to even fail when he insists so he can learn from his mistakes. It is like showing the captain of the ship that your trust his leadership. This is an extreme motivator (my personal humble opinion).
  • Openly showing respect for him to the kids ( by acts and words) even by comments made when the husband is not present.
  • She knows she is not perfect and does not have to be the perfect wife but is willing to try on the above areas and others that she receives feedback on from her husband.

 

HUSBAND 5

Hi April, I just wanted to make one small ( but BIG) suggestion to couples. Please be sure to SLOWLY implement the changes so that your mate will not get defensive. I admit, I get ‘uncomfortable’ with drastic changes because I used to ‘sadly’ think the worst :(. The majority of the time – if we are sincere – we ALL want to make a quick change – but don’t weigh the consequences.

 

RELATED:

Why Do I Have to Change First?

Are Women Morally/Spiritually Superior to Men?

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

Why Won’t My Husband Lead?

Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things?

When Your Husband Won’t Answer

Ways Husbands Lead that Wives Often Don’t Notice

Nikka’s Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers

46 thoughts on “Some Husbands Share Their Perspectives – PART 1

  1. Hi, I am new to this site but God brought me here as we muddle through our divorce. After 19 years together, in Feb. I learned from another person first that my husband wanted a divorce. I have been really convicted by this site. There is much that I didn’t do well, and that I have still to learn from and recognize. But here’s where I have difficulty: I read these posts from the husbands with some amount of anger. The flip side of these is the protection and care that the husband shows in conjunction with the “good wife” qualities mentioned in their comments. For the past almost ten years, my husband has worked at least 60 hours a week, doing literally none of the housework, homework help, not even helping at bath time with our three kids. Even our son has said in front of him, “Why doesn’t Dad spend more time with us?” to which Dad had no response.

    After so many years of his basically refusing to participate in the family (and I did invite him, so many times), I went on and created family life without him. I remember once I had invited him to join us on a Sat. at the children’s museum. He declined. My girlfriend’s husband came with her, and I remember blurting out in my surprise, “What are YOU doing here?” I was taken aback that the husband would accompany the wife and kids to an event that the kids enjoyed. Obviously, that divergence is a large part of the divorce. I know that I sound bitter, and I am presenting that to God to heal, but how can I have submitted to him when he didn’t do his part to love and care for us? When he literally never complimented me? When he gained so much weight that intimacy was uncomfortable and logistically difficult? (I stayed slim and didn’t like when he would approach me after getting drunk at home. He always resented that I asked him not to drink so much before coming to me late at night.) I feel like throwing up my hands in frustration. I know that I need much growth in the area of being a submissive wife, but my goodness, I don’t know how that works when the husband continues to do and act however he sees fit, while expecting the family to accept that and laud him for having gone to work. I work a 40-hour week, and still get the other tasks done, too. He never even sent out the birthday cards or Christmas gifts for his own family. I bought them, made a scrapbook every year for each grandparent. He would package them up and mail them, but that was it.

    1. Gatwinmama,

      Welcome to my site!

      Almost every wife who begins this journey has similar concerns as you have expressed here. Of course, every story is unique. But – almost every wife out of the thousands I have met has issues with her husband and his lack of love and lack of leadership and lack of involvement or something else when she arrives here.

      If you read my “about” page – when God woke me up to my disrespect and control, my husband had shut down. He barely spoke to me, barely touched me, would not even make eye contact with me, ignored me and wouldn’t listen to me. I felt completely confident until that moment God showed me my sin that I was the best Christian wife EVER. And that God better fix my husband. He needed to be more loving. He needed to be more godly. He needed to pray with me. He needed to be involved with the kids (which he wasn’t AT ALL at the time). He needed to hurry up and finish the massive renovations on the house he was doing (for me) and be a much better Christian, husband and father OR ELSE – in my mind.

      Then God opened my eyes to my disrespect, pride, selfishness, self-righteousness, control, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness.

      I was in utter shock.

      My husband never told me I disrespected him. He never said I hurt him. He just shut down. I DID hurt him, and I hurt him deeply. In fact, my 14+ years of continual disrespect, criticism, lecturing, nagging, complaining, judgmental attitude, negativity and telling him what to do left him a shell of a man. 🙁

      Why should a wife change first when her husband is a big sinner?

      I Peter 3:1-6
      Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

      What is your relationship with Christ, my precious girl?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      Is it possible that God may want to change you first and get you out of His way so that He can work in your husband’s life more powerfully?

      I invite you to check out:

      Why Do I Have to Change First?
      But, I’m Right!
      Are Women Morally/Spiritually Superior to Men?

      Facing Our Deepest Fears

      And, I invite you to read the posts at the top of my home page as well as to check out my Youtube channel, “April Cassidy.”

      Let me know what God is speaking to you!
      I care about your needs and desires very much. I want the best possible marriage for you. And God wants that even more than you or I do. The question is, are you willing to do this God’s way?

      Much love!
      April

      1. I also added a few more links to this post that may be helpful, as well. May God richly bless your walk with Christ and your marriage. I believe He is completely able to heal, even at this point. I am praying for you and your husband!

        1. Thank you. I will look at these resources.

          He spends even less time at home now. He has had another person for some time now, even before I knew about his wanting a divorce. He has filed and we list the house in about two weeks. I don’t know where the kids and I are going, have no insurance or benefits at my job, and am now deeply in debt to my parents for the lawyer and living costs. When this first all hit, I relented, sought Christ, found a spiritual counselor, and spent months trying to be the wife I needed to be. I still have the counselor and next week start a DivorceCare class at my church.

          Needless to say, it didn’t work. He wants out, wants nothing to do with me, and blames me for so much, even down to things that aren’t my fault, such as leaving lights on. (We have three kids who make that mistake.)

          Daiseymae, I am not allowed to touch him anymore, so I can only speak to him when he is in the room.

          1. Gatwinmama,

            Things are certainly a mess. 🙁 I am so sorry! I am praying for all of you. I have seen God restore people even after divorce – so, maybe we can keep praying together for healing for your marriage. I want to pray especially for your walk with Christ – that you might allow God total access to your life, heart, mind and soul to remove everything that is of this world and to regenerate your soul by the power of His Spirit and to transform your mind to look more and more like Jesus. It may be that God wants to work on you first. But we will pray He will work on your husband, too.

            Much love to you!

      2. Gatwinmama,

        April is so right. Many of us did come here with the same story. Read the things she suggests. It will open your eyes. It won’t always be fair. It won’t always feel good but in the end it will feel great.

        Right now I suggest you praise your husband for the things he does do and do it alone and in front of the children. If all he does is work praise him for being a good provider. Also, make sure you never take your children’s side over your husband’s side unless it is clearly abuse and would warrant a call to child protective services. Uphold your husband in front of your children even if you disagree. Husbands can actually be harsher with children if they feel their wife is choosing the children over them. If your children ask why daddy doesn’t do something praise him for working so hard to provide for the family. When he refuses to go on a family outing, give him a hug, tell him you will miss him.

        I can almost hear what you are saying right now…I know it sounds unfair and super hard but I promise you what April teaches works because she is teaching us to be wives that please God and that can only brings us joy and blessings

        I look forward to you joining us on this journey!!

        1. Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Daisymae! I know this has not been an easy journey for you – or for me – or for most of the wives who are here. But – God is so very faithful when we seek Him first and seek to honor and obey Him no matter what.

          🙂

      3. April,

        I heard that you delete women who challenge you, so I apologize in advance if I am too harsh to you.

        Did you read Gatwinmama’s comment? Do you respect wives? Do you ever have compassion for the ways wives hurt? You are always talking about how you feel for husbands. Do you think that God would have you to feel compassion for husbands’ hearts and not wives’ hearts?

        1. His and Hers,

          Hey! It is great to meet you!

          I have great compassion for wives. I read every comment and my heart aches for every wife who is hurting, feeling unloved, in pain, frustrated, feeling hopeless and alone. I WAS that wife for many years. That is why I spend so much time ministering to hurting women. I want to see them experience the love, grace, mercy and healing available to them in Christ. I want them to find the path to the peace of God and to finding the greatest joy they could ever know. That is why I share Jesus and God’s Word with wives and why I share my story. I don’t want to merely commiserate with wives. I want to share the greatest Treasure there is – Jesus, and His wisdom. I want to offer women real hope, and that comes as we completely submit ourselves to God and seek to do things His way.

          I have no problem with people disagreeing with me or challenging me. But, I do require people to be fairly respectful. I don’t publish comments that involve cussing, vulgarity or that are extremely hateful.

          My husband knows my time is limited on blogging, and he has asked me to focus on wives who are interested in learning the Bible and learning about God’s design for marriage and not to respond to comments that are vicious, extremely disrespectful, purely contentious, vulgar, rude, etc… So, I seek to honor Greg’s request as I moderate comments.

          I believe we can have calm discussions about these important topics and all treat each other with love, honor and respect.

          Thanks for sharing!

  2. The thing that has been the most important thing for Ken has been to show respect to him by the tone of my voice, not arguing with him at all and honoring his point of view and opinions, and even my facial expressions and body language towards him. I have asked him to always feel free to point out any disrespect he feels coming from me immediately so I can stop it. Yes, being rebuked isn’t always easy but I so desire to be a godly, submissive wife that I have learned to accept it willingly and it has made a HUGE difference!

    1. Lori,

      I LOVE this! Thank you so much for sharing!!!

      I would MUCH rather be rebuked now than to unknowingly cause my husband pain like I did for almost 15 years in our marriage. Yes, being rebuked hurts. But, then, there is growth and renewal and strengthening of my own soul and my walk with Christ and my intimacy with my husband. So, I don’t dread rebuke now. I am thankful for it, actually!

      I appreciate you sharing your wisdom so much!

  3. April, I sincerely appreciate your posts on a husband’s perspective. They offer so much insight, and are always such timely reminders. You know my journey, as do most on the blog, and I have had a few “old ways, bad days”, but through your posts, the books, my scripture, prayer, and the closeness I have build with Christ, I am reminded that not every day will be a perfect day. And it’s ok. I get up the next day reminding myself that it’s just another chance to bless my husband. We celebrated 21 years on Thursday. He gave me an adorable card and a dozen gorgeous roses. I did not see our relationship improving, and six months ago felt like our wedding day may become our divorce day as well. Thank you again April for opening my eyes. Keep praying for us. God bless. 🙂

    1. Catherine,

      I am so excited that you and your husband were together and not separated on your anniversary! WOOHOO! Praise God! We all have a lifetime of learning to do. But I sure do love being on this road together with you and our other sisters (and brothers). Congratulations on your 21 years. May God receive all the glory and honor and praise for all that He is doing in your life and in your marriage. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

    2. I am praying for you, Catherine. God’s redemptive powers when we live out our roles in marriage is so beautiful! I love the mental image of your husband’s anniverary gifts being given to you! He is blessing you as your desire is to be a blessing to him! Lovely!

  4. Hey April. I used to comment as a bride-to-be but today i am commenting as a wife; i got married about 6 weeks ago! yaay! For my husband, it’s accepting feedback without throwing tantrums and being defensive; whether the feedback is right or wrong, accept it first and even if i don’t agree, i should try and put it into action (as long as it’s not against God’s will). He said he’ll willing throw his hands up in candor if he is wrong but he would have felt respected that i listened to his feedback without trying to defend myself.

    1. GB,

      Thank you so much for sharing this and congratulations on your new marriage!!!! 🙂 It is very tempting to defend ourselves and to try to explain ourselves (why we are right, of course). But when we get defensive or try to explain without hearing our husbands, that can feel very disrespectful. Great point! May God richly bless your marriage and your walk with Christ for His glory!

  5. We can’t ever go wrong with exercising the fruit of the spirit in our interactions with our husbands, but as to the rest, this post shows how important it is for us to learn what our OWN husband values.

    1. Sandi,
      Yes, each husband would have his own take on these questions. I am so thankful for the husbands who are able to articulate what they need and desire. That is a big help! I am also thankful for the husbands and wives who shared, because, I know there are many husbands (like mine in the past) who are not able to articulate their needs. So I hope that this may be a blessing and spur some discussions. And, maybe, it will even help some husbands find their own voice and begin to have this conversation with their wives.

      I praise God for what He has done in your marriage and in your heart, my precious sister!

      1. Sandi,
        And absolutely! We are always in God’s will and we are always a blessing to our husbands when we are filled with God’s Spirit and the fruit of His power in our lives is pouring out: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

      2. April,
        I hope you didn’t perceive my comment as critical. I do think it’s good to hear what other husband’s think. I noticed that there were a couple of seeming conflicting suggestions from husbands. I thought it just illustrated why it matters that we seek to understand the husband we’ve been given. So sorry if I didn’t say that well. 🙂
        Sandi

        1. Sandi,
          No, not at all! I think you emphasized my point that each husband will have his own unique preferences and desires and what is most important is for us to discover what will bless our own husbands. 🙂

  6. I’m sure everyone would agree that our biggest problem is not our husbands (or anyone else for that matter) but our flesh. Submitting to our flesh and its desires and cravings will always get us into trouble. What we need to learn more than anything else is how to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. When I am abiding in Christ and yielding to the Spirit’s control, I am a completely different person. When we allow God to work in us and through us, beautiful things happen. We cannot be the wives God wants us to be in our own strength or by applying earthly wisdom. We need God’s wisdom and we need His strength and power. We need His Spirit to do the work instead of trying to do it on our own. Despite our circumstances, we should always have JOY. That’s the best test of knowing whether or not we are living in our own strength vs. operating under the power of His Spirit. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so if we don’t have it, then we aren’t yielding. I think these definitions of the fruit of the Spirit vs. the works of the flesh (from Reformer’s Unanimous [a faith-based, Christ-centered ministry]) are very helpful to test whether we are being led by the Spirit or led by the flesh. Which do we see being manifested on our lives? The fruit of the Spirit or the opposing work of the flesh? God can and will transform us into the women of God that He wants us to be if we allow Him to do the work of transforming and conforming that He desires to do in each one of us. “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16.

    LOVE: the willing, sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others without thought of return.
    -vs.-
    SELF LOVE: the willing or unwilling giving of oneself for the benefit of others with selfish thoughts of return.

    JOY: a cheerful, calm delight in all the circumstances of life.
    -vs.-
    FRUSTRATION: a rejection or unhappy refusal in the circumstances of life.

    PEACE: to be safe from harm in spirit, mind, and body.
    -vs.-
    WORRY: to live in fear of harm in your spirit, mind, or body.

    LONGSUFFERING: an enduring temperament that expresses itself in patience with the shortcomings of others.
    -vs.-
    QUICK-TEMPERED: irritability that negatively excites our passions.

    GENTLENESS: softness in manner, temper, or words.
    -vs.-
    HARSHNESS: roughness in manner, temper, or words.

    GOODNESS: conforming our lives and conversations to behave benevolently toward others.
    -vs.-
    MEANNESS: refusing to be liberal with charity, thus avoiding any personal expense.

    FAITH: a personal measurement of the level of confidence in what Christ has done and will do in, through, and for us.
    -vs.-
    DOUBT: an attitude of unbelief, characterized by rebellion and disobedience toward God.

    MEEKNESS: the ability for God’s people to negotiate among others without causing friction.
    -vs.-
    DISCORD: any disagreement which produces angry passions, contest disputes, litigation, or war.

    TEMPERANCE: Spirit-controlled in all of life’s pleasures.
    -vs.-
    SELF-INDULGENCE: When self control ceases to control itself.

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

    “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

  7. I understand the “small changes” referred to in the last paragraph. For 6 months I spent all my “free time” (is that EVEN a thing for wives and mothers?) studying for my licensure for a job offer I had. I couldn’t be hired until I was licensed, so I devoted as much time as possible in order to pass and get paid. This was important to my husband, and when I failed, he was very disappointed thinking I didn’t put ENOUGH energy into it. After a couple of days, I had my energy and motivation back, so I went through and cleaned the house- something I hadn’t really had time or energy to do in all those months. (I did upkeep and picking up, but no major organizing). When he came home, he was offended- and then asked me, “Why did you clean?” What he meant was, “why now after all these months? What are you up to?” I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t do it all while studying. I guess my point is, sometimes husbands can help with certain household chores, giving the wife the ability to really get down and dirty with the major upkeep and organizing of the home. It can’t all be left to her- even if she is a stay at home mom.

  8. I can’t convince my wife of godly modesty. She insists on dressing like women of the world. I show her verses and she laughs at my OT references. I’m disrespected when men look at her in public. In church I am very sheepish about my statements because I’m perceived as not being able to even control my wife. Help.

    1. stolywizard,

      It is a pleasure to meet you!

      I have some posts about modesty. You are welcome to search my home page for “modest” and “modesty.”

      But, no person can make another person be convicted of his/her sin. It is very difficult to be a spouse who is being sinned against. We can absolutely gently, lovingly, respectfully confront sin. But then, only God’s Spirit can truly open a person’s eyes to the severity of sin. We will pray together for God to open your wife’s and daughter’s eyes to His love for them, His truth, His desire for them, His plan and purpose and His glory in their lives.

      I pray for God to give you His wisdom, love, direction and the power of His Spirit and His Word as you seek to be the godly man, husband and father Christ calls you to be. It may be that your daughters might listen to you. It may be that as you share your concerns for your wife, she may listen in time. I pray that God might give you His strength to be more and more conformed into the image of Christ that God might use you to bless and draw your wife and daughters to Himself. Each of us can only focus on our own obedience to Christ – that is all we are accountable to Him for.

    2. stolywizard,

      I don’t have an great answers to this, but for me I wear skirts daily because my husbands always tells me how pretty I am when I do and I like that. 🙂 Maybe you could with your wife and daughters, compliment them when they wear something somewhat modest. Don’t say I like that because it is modest but rather You look so pretty in that!

  9. I’m in a spot. My own girls dress like sluts. Their mother walked away from The Lord and took the girls and went away. Now the girls are doing marihuana and dressing in provocative dress for boys. Help.

  10. Thank you. I too struggle with lust and have had to ask the hard questions like is it her or me? The Lord holds me accountable for my thoughts. Lust is the individual’s problem / lust as in sin against God. I wanted to hold women responsible for my stuff. Yes, I think some of the Christian sisters in The Lord dress a little too sexily for Church services and even for say going to the grocery store. But, when I got real and honest and listened for the Lord’s admonition, I heard Him tell me my mental garbage re: her “inappropriate” outfit and exposed skin was much more offensive to Him than an attractive woman dressing as a pretty young Christian, in love with Jesus and singing in communal worship during praise and worship. I stood corrected. Also, I have been trained to bounce my eyes , I haven’t been. I’ve been told to have an accountability partner, mine passed away and I’m alone on that front. I have been known to watch racy R rated films with explicit female nudity and defend the tripe as “art.” As any one can see, I’m the one with the problem. I pray daily to God Almighty to aid me in holding every thought captive and no longer blaming others for my sin patterns. As far as modesty in the Church goes, I’m going to defer to leadership and women folk to police their own. But , my own stuff was too much a log in this Christian man’s eye to point out the specks in the eyes of others, esp women, as I saw fit. I tend toward arrogance and indulgence at times: this is one of those instances. Please, all, forgive me: esp women folk I’ve offended over this touchy subject in the past. I’m a wretched man without Christ. God bless you all. Amen.

    1. stolywizard,

      We are ALL wretched sinners in desperate need of the mercy, grace and forgiveness of Christ Jesus. I’m very glad you are taking responsibility for your sin and seeking God. I pray for you to seek Him with all your heart and to be fully submitted to Him, walking in His power to be able to be obedient and faithful to Him. I pray for Him to use your story, even the painful parts and even your marriage to draw many to Himself in time as He creates something beautiful from your life and this family situation.

      Thank you for your humility and willingness to focus on the log in your own eye. That is where we each must start. It sure was for me! I think I had a whole forest in my eye!

  11. Thank you for another wonderful post. I truly believe God led me to your words when I finally realized what I was doing to my husband and our marriage. I came to understand my sins because God whispered to my heart and I was finally able to hear Him. Your words and the shared experiences of yourself and the women on your blog have been immensely helpful as I begin to learn and pray for guidance. My husband has begun to notice that I’m much more respectful of him and his feelings, more at peace with myself, and have a gentler spirit which he says is really rubbing off on our children. Thank God! It’s only been two weeks, and I have so much work to do, but I no longer feel overwhelmed, lost, or frustrated. Thank God for you and your willingness to share yourself with those looking for guidance!

    1. Sabrina!!!!

      What wonderful news! I am thrilled about what God is doing in your life and in you remarriage and family! WOOHOOO!

      Please continue to let me know how you are doing. I praise God for His Spirit’s power speaking to your heart. 🙂

    2. Sabrina, thank you for sharing this. It is such an inspiration. I didn’t hear God for a very long time. Probably because I wouldn’t shut up long enough to listen. After nearly losing my husband (we separated for six months) I finally heard Him speak to me. I knew in my heart how horribly I had sinned and how deeply I hurt my husband. This blog inspired me to see the log in my own eye, when it was so much easier to focus on my husband’s mistakes and sins. Thank you for sharing. I am happy to report that my husband has moved back home and things have improved SO much.

  12. Is there any way to email you privately? I was praying today and looking for husbands opinions on submissive wives and came across this post. It was a blessing to read because I know men can be very similar in their viewpoint on women since God made us all the same in our roles. I have struggled for years with being a dominant wife, always displeased and nagging about something. I was disrespectful and irritable all the time and then had the nerve to wonder why he was so distant from me. Then God opened my eyes one day to my behavior and I saw everything from Johns perspective. It was heartbreaking! No wonder he had been distant. I have been trying to recoup from 5 years of being sinful as a wife and mother. It has not been easy. I am 25 and was raised by my grandmother who was a widow. I had no idea what a biblical marriage looked like and your posts and youtube videos have been such a blessing for me. You are the one God pointed me to so that I could learn everything I couldn’t before marriage. It isn’t easy and takes constant effort. God is giving me more awareness of my behavior and convicting me when I act poorly. I can see my husband as a good guy again. I am reading the surrendered wife and I hope I continue to improve and bless my wonderful husband the way he deserves. He has been a different person since I started relinquishing control. I feel better. We are happier and although I’m still struggling I am keeping on and he is helping me and he is thriving as a provider. I feel so much less burdon now that I am letting go of finances and other things. It’s actually nice to let him have the reins. Thank you so very much for sharing your journey and all the tips to being a Godly wife! Your husband is blessed!

  13. Some of the comments seemed extremely helpful and practical. Unfortunately some of them also seemed focused on relationships where she is a stay-at-home wife (i.e. have dinner ready when I get home, greet me with a massage when I get home, etc.) Any suggestions for those of us that work whose hubby’s sometimes are home before we get there?

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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