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“Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things?” – Part 2

Greg leading the way at Colonial Williamsburg in April 2014
Greg leading the way at Colonial Williamsburg in April 2014

For part 1, please click here.

Have to take a moment to celebrate –

Last October, this blog reached 1 million hits. Yesterday, it reached 2 million!?!?!?  Thank You God for all that You are doing and may Your Name alone be exalted here!



Greg  doesn’t have a big preference in many areas. He is not controlling or demanding at all. In fact, he never asked me to be more respectful or to submit to him. Never. God opened my eyes to all of this without Greg saying a word. Greg often defers to me and gives me quite a wide range of freedom to make my own decisions. He loves to see me happy and I love to see him happy, too. I share my concerns, needs, desires, emotions, ideas, beliefs, values, thoughts and goals with him.  If he were to get involved in sin, I know that I can humbly, respectfully approach him about that. And I am thankful when he gently, lovingly tells me about sin he sees in my life. But now, I share things my perspective about decisions in a way that is most effective for him to hear – by me sharing briefly, without pressuring him, in a pleasant, friendly tone of voice with sincere respect. And I am willing to joyfully honor his leadership, even if I disagree with him now.

Greg doesn’t demand things of me. And he really doesn’t ask me for much at all. So when he does ask me to do something, I know it matters to him and is important to him. If there is an issue that is important to him, and maybe I think it is not a big issue,  I ask myself, “Will this issue matter to God when I stand before Him? Will He care where we sat or what paint color we chose? Or will He care that I showed respect and honor to my husband (as He commands me to do in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, I Corinthians 11:3 and Titus 2:3-5)?”

When I live for Christ, I die to myself. I die to my will and living life for what I want. I must take up my cross daily and follow Him. Now, I live life only to bring glory to Jesus and to do His will.

I have learned over the past 5.5 years on this journey that my level of biblical submission to Greg and my level of respect for Greg are a tangible indicator of my level of submission to and reverence for  Christ. This is ALL about my walk with Jesus, my trust in Him, my faith in Him and my love for Him.

Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him. “He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine, but the Father’s who sent Me.” John 14:22-24

Nikka pointed out yesterday a verse that I believe is very applicable here:

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” Luke 16:10

God’s will is not about the individual details of the outcome of little decisions as much as it is about what is in my heart. What is controlling me, the Spirit of God or my old sinful nature?

And, here is a question I also ask myself –

How do I know that God is not leading my husband to do what he wants to do about an issue? If Greg is not asking me to blatantly sin, is it possible that God has inspired him to do something because God knows things I don’t know?


I know a family where the dad asked his elementary school boys to tread water – for a long time. The mom thought he was being to hard on the boys. But the dad insisted they keep treading water. The next week, the family was at a river. Those boys were swept downstream. It took time for anyone to be able to get to them and both boys had to tread water for a long time.

My precious sisters, how do we know what is ahead? What if the thing our husband wants to do is something God is prompting him to do that we will not understand until later? Our God is sovereign! He is able to lead us through our men as we trust Him.

(If you have serious issues in your marriage – drug/alcohol addictions, uncontrolled mental health disorders, real abuse, please seek godly, experienced help ASAP. My blog is not written for those dealing with severe problems. There are times when a wife may not be able to submit to a husband who is not in his right mind. I don’t have experience with a situation like that.)

God does not give husbands any command to demand their way or to lord anything over their wives.

Godly marriage is not based on one spouse demanding something of the other, but on selflessness, sacrificial, voluntary and unconditional love and honor.  Biblical submission and godly respect for our husbands is not about our husbands at all, but is all about our love and reverence and obedience to Christ. And it is about bringing Him great glory and setting a godly example for those around us, to make the gospel as attractive as possible.

  • God commands us all as believers not to argue or complain so that we can shine like stars in the universe as we hold forth the word of life. Phil. 2:14-16.

A wife who argues, complains, is uncooperative with her husband and who insists on her own way (even in the “small things”) makes the gospel unattractive to unbelievers and to her own children. She makes the gospel less attractive to her husband if he is not a believer. She also makes it much harder for her husband to do what God calls him to do even if he is a believer in Christ.

One Bible teacher at church, Rev. Weaver, talked about fighting in marriage…

 “Only fight about issues that are more important than our obedience to Christ and are more important than the unity and covenant of our marriages.”

That kind of narrows down the “important” issues pretty significantly.

Obviously, there are very few things that are more valuable than those things. The only exceptions would be if our husbands are asking us to very blatantly sin against God. For what to do in such a situation, please check out my notes from Rev. Weaver’s class on Spiritual Authority.

The ironic thing is, that as we honor and respect our husbands, they will usually care more about our feelings and will do almost anything to make us happy. Husbands, almost all husbands, deeply desire for their wives to be happy. That is how many of them measure their success as men!  Did you realize that? I wish they measured their success by God’s pleasure with them instead, but many husbands gauge their success as men, husbands and fathers by the happiness of their wives.


Usually, if we just simply, briefly, calmly, respectfully share our desires, a husband who feels very respected will bend over backwards to do what his wife would like. My husband does this now for me. It took awhile for him to feel safe with me again. But once he felt safe and knew I honored and truly respected him – he wants to do anything he can to make me happy. But the more we try to force or push our way, the more our husbands feel repelled from us and the less they care about our desires.

When we obey God, we get to experience blessings of God that we can hardly begin to imagine. And when we refuse to obey God, we will experience some very negative consequences. I am not saying we will all have lots of money and no problems if we obey God. That is not God’s promise. But we will have access to all the spiritual resources and treasures of heaven as we walk in total faith, trust and obedience to God, trusting Him to work all things out for our ultimate good and His glory.

Also, husbands do NO have absolute authority, God does.

They will be accountable to Him, to His Word and to those in authority over them for how they lead and manage their families. They will ultimately answer to God for every decision they make for their families, whether they obeyed God to love their wives unconditionally, whether they honored their wives as the weaker partner and co-heir with Christ and whether they were gentle, kind, understanding and patient with them and nurtured their wives as their own bodies.

Great questions!!

Let me know if these things clarify things for you. 🙂

** Husbands – We would love to hear your take on this issue to add a masculine perspective to our discussion. **



Thank you so much April! This was very helpful to me.

What I need to remember is that ultimately it is not between my husband and me, but between myself and Christ. I certainly don’t want to malign the gospel. I think I have overlooked Titus 2:5 in relation to the little things. It’s hard to remember sometimes that God cares about our little squabbles and petty disagreements but I know that He does. It is terrifying to think I will have to answer for all these things when I stand before God one day. I am so thankful that ultimately my answer is “Christ” but to see it all played out in front of a holy God? Eeek!

“Only fight about issues that are more important than our obedience to Christ and are more important than the unity and covenant of our marriages.”

Wow, that really does narrow things down!

I am going to take the time to memorize the Phil 2:14-16 verse. I grew up in a home where arguing and complaining were normal. Most of our “pleasant” conversations were complaint sessions. When I met my husband I would complain just as a form of conversation. It would make him so upset and it took me the longest time to understand why. It is so hard to not fall back into old patterns but by the grace of God I am working on it!

You are right that the more I do respect my husband, the kinder he is to me.

I don’t want to hurt him or destroy our marriage over stupid things. I don’t want to disobey God. I am starting to understand Luke 16:10 a little better. I think it’s the little things that are so much easier to stumble on because we aren’t on guard for them the way we would be with the big things. So if we can be blameless with the little things, the big ones will be no problem for us.

I do feel like God has been withholding blessings because my heart is wrong in my marriage. I am not trying to please God in order to get blessings, but I do see the connection.

I keep overlooking God’s protection of me in my marriage. I keep trying to submit but feel fearful that no one will protect me if my husband abuses his power (I don’t think he will). I need to remember that God is sovereign in all of this and has my good at heart. It comes down to my trust in God which is something I need to work on.

Thank you so much for talking with me April. Your blog is such a blessing!


Spiritual Authority
Submitting Under Protest

Biblical Submission

Biblical Submission Does Not = a Husband is Always Right 

Biblical Submission – A Huge Key to God’s Peace
A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage

My Husband Isn’t Being a Good Enough Spiritual Leader



204 thoughts on ““Why Should I Have to Submit to My Husband in the Little Things?” – Part 2

  1. This was very timely. I am dealing with a situation now where I am trying to decipher if my husband is asking me to blatantly sin.He wants to leave our church but it is not for biblical reasons He is just offended and being judgemental and doesn’t want to submit to the order of the church which he agrees he is. We are both very involved in this ministry. Since I’ve begun to submit to my hubby this has been my biggest struggle. I feel to leave the church for these reasons would be rebellion but I also feel to go to separate churches because I refuse to follow would also be rebellion. I find myself constantly thinking what if it’s not God leading him and I follow and this affects my spiritual walk or could I be idolizing the church.Also the church he wants to attend speaks his first language but not mine I would have to have a translator. Prayer in this area would be greatly appreciated ladies.

    1. Sara,
      I have a Youtube post about this topic. My channel is “April Cassidy.” Check it out! I pray that God will give you both wisdom.

      I find it to be very interesting that Sarai cooperated with Abram even when he asked her to lie to Pharaoh and say she was just his sister (which she was) but not say that she was his wife. God intervened and protected her. That may be an interesting passage to study.

      Much love!

      1. I’ll have to study that Bible passage. My husband has gone so far into a particular Christian denomination that he is considering converting to Judaism. Per his request, the kids have been baptized in the denomination of my childhood and now he doesn’t want to talk about faith at all. He doesn’t even want us to attend services with him. Part of me is glad that I did what he asked and had the kids baptized in order to protect them from his wanderings away from solid church teaching. The other part of me feels like he tricked me and now he blames me for division in our family. He feels that since Jesus is Jewish, we should be Jewish. I told him I’d go anywhere with him so long as I could honor the Lord, but that’s not good enough. He wants me to side with him completely. He so angry at me for not supporting him.

        We used to discuss the Bible all the time. It was wonderful. I thought we could have different opinions and just leave it at that and I always went wherever he wanted us to go to church. But my having any view that was different was seen as disrespectful to him. He also keeps a distance from our Christian male friends we’ve known for years because they don’t agree with him.

        I’m not sure if I should try (again) to show more interest in his denomination and just consider his perspective ‘fascinating’ while unapologetically maintaining my own beliefs or totally give him that space he seems to be asking for and allow a spiritual separation for who knows how long. Perhaps there’s a third option?

        1. Refined,
          Yikes! That is what half of Paul’s writings in the New Testament were AGAINST! That is why he spent so much time speaking out against the Judiazers – who demanded that in order for pagan Gentiles to become Christians, they had to be Jews first.

          I believe that I Peter 3:1-6 is your primary option.

          Praying for God to work in his heart! And for wisdom for you both.

          1. Thanks for your response, April.

            I feel partly responsible for his extreme, legalistic thinking. I really didn’t know he took such offense to our differing views- for years. I’ll pray that God will use my mistakes for His glory. I’ll beg God for His intervention and seek His voice in every encounter with my husband. I’ll trust Him to reach my husband and I’ll do my best to serve my husband with a quiet spirit and get out of God’s way.

      2. Thanks so much for the suggestion April. In 1 peter 3 God says we are Sarah’s daughters if we do what is right and not give way to hysterical fears. I feel God is leading me to really meditate and study Sarah’s life. She called her husband lord but also once she told him to get rid of haggar and Ishmael and after consulting God he agreed. So I am really asking God to make me sensitive t o His leading and direction. I don’t want to cause my husband to feel incompetent with my distrust and I don’t want to be self righteous feeling that because I am seeking God more than Him my decision is the “right” one. But I do find it funny that I decided to pick a name to do this post anonymously as possible and just realized the name I chose was Sara.

  2. I was just catching up on the last couple of posts and these two are really good. I’ve also been realizing how submitting on the “little” things really does show where your heart is and it can make a huge difference in the marriage. On Sat, my husband made a suggestion that I do something. I didn’t do it, for no particular reason, and when he saw I didn’t he said “no one listens to me” and went and did it himself. That struck me to realize how this little thing that was only a suggestion, meant more to him then I thought.

    1. I am also finding as I’ve been respecting him that he is seeming to care more about my feelings and desires. In Jan. of this year, I never would have thought he would care about me or my feelings again. With Mother’s Day, he always asks me what I want to do because I think he’s always been scared to mess it up. This year, I had no expectations and left him a note telling him something I’d like to do and told him that it was up to him and he could say no. This particular thing was going somewhere that I’ve wanted to go for awhile, but he hasn’t wanted to do at all. I asked him in a note because I didn’t want to give myself an opportunity to argue or push my idea. I left the note in our bathroom at night and when I woke up the next morning, he left a note back saying that he would take us. I couldn’t stop smiling because I knew this was him caring about my desires.

        1. Things are still up and down with us (although leveling out some) and I feel like I still am mostly in the quiet phase, so this was just a really neat thing to see him be willing to do for me.

    2. My husband has also been hurt when I haven’t followed his suggestions. I always thought that if it wasn’t a directive that I didn’t have to do it. I would take his suggestions in the same way I would take a suggestion from a friend. I would consider it but probably do what I intended to do to begin with. My husband would then get upset telling me that I don’t listen to him.

      I finally asked him what he meant by his suggestions. He told me that when he suggests something that I should do it the way he suggests unless I have a very good reason not to.

        1. On suggestions vs directives, we should understand that men today have a hard time giving directives because they don’t want to be seen as the bad guy so they make it sound nice not knowing that they actually cause confusion. It’s part of western culture and men who go against it often face criticism.

          1. Nick,

            I talked with Greg, my husband, about your comment. And we both agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying here.

            Men are afraid of coming across too harshly or taking clear authority. But when they make suggestions, wives often don’t recognize that a husband really intended his statement to be a directive and then don’t give it the weight of a directive. This absolutely causes confusion and problems.

            Thank you for your insights!

            1. You’re welcome. Am also learning as I go and this blog is very reassuring. It’s nice to know some people actually wanna hear this stuff.

              1. Nick,
                I can’t thank you and the other men enough this past week or so. There are so many wives here with husbands who are so shut down that they cannot or will not articulate their thoughts on these issues. Wives do not understand a masculine perspective unless they go out seeking it and trying to understand it. It is so completely different from the way women think. It takes a great deal of emotional and spiritual contortion at first for women to try to wrap their minds around how differently men think. But as y’all share with us, you are opening up the amazing world of masculinity for us to explore and stand in awe of.

                Sometimes, husbands do tell their wives these things over and over, but sometimes wives can’t hear their own husbands as easily as they can hear other men. Or sometimes, when another man reinforces what a husband has been trying to tell his wife, it clicks for a lot of wives.

                What you and the other husbands are doing is very powerful and is such a blessing to many wives here. I am very grateful. I believe you are helping to strengthen many marriages.

                I appreciate the men being so very respectful and setting a beautiful example for us of how to communicate needs and desires respectfully and in a godly way, speaking the truth in love.

  3. Please keep in mind this is coming from a husband that 1) loves everything you are doing and praises God for this site very often
    2) loves his wife, would die for her and wants to see her happy…and doesn’t care what paint colors she selects, etc.

    This line: Husbands who demand respect and biblical submission are not living out the heart of God for marriage .

    I don’t agree. Often when I see headship portrayed it’s okay as longs as there is no real authority or “teeth” that go with it. As long as he is not “demanding” or has no ability to actually do anything (discipline-defining this word in a husband wife relationship could take a whole book, but rest assured I do not mean physical abuse). And I have a problem with that. A leader without any authority, is not a leader. We would not ask that of any other position of authority. Whether that be a parent, a teacher, a boss, a president, etc. We would expect those people to be kind, but very much expect them to demand a certain set of behaviors to those under their authority. But somehow this always changes when talk comes around to husbands.

    Second, we are told to be Christlike. We are to be examples of Christ in our marriage. Yes that means very heavy on love, patience and forgiveness but we are very much deceiving ourselves if Christ did not demand obedience.

    Trust me, I know this is a thorny issue. It’s hard enough to talk about with wives, let along live as a husband. But the second we say, “a husband cannot demand obedience” we are cutting him off at the knees and emasculating any leadership he has in the home. Otherwise, he can lead, but he has to go get his wife’s permission to lead…and that’s not leading at all.

    1. Thankfulhusband,

      Ugh. This issue is very thorny.

      I know we have talked about this before. I have a number of husbands who read my blog and use it to justify screaming, cussing and forcing their wives to do things – including sin. There are husbands who daily scream, “You’re demon possessed and God told me that if you don’t submit to me and never speak to your parents again and never go to any church again and never backtalk to me again… that I can divorce you and marry a woman who is going to honor and respect me and submit to me. I will love you only when you submit perfectly to me and do everything I say. Don’t you dare question me. Don’t you dare think you should have an opinion. You have no rights. You have no vote. You have no worth in this relationship.”

      That is what I am trying to guard against.

      But – God does give husbands authority. My prayer is that husbands will use that authority as they submit fully to Christ and work in His power to accomplish His will for His glory – and that everything they do will be motivated by the unconditional love of God for their wives.

      How could I better word this, do you think?

      1. I understand completely. You are guarding against the husband who is not willing to be Christlike in his love, patience and tenderness. I know there are many of the husbands out there like that. My concern is for the husbands who doing all those things. Is it wrong for a husband who has loved, cherished, prayed and lived out christian love before his wife who will not submit to say, “I am your husband and you will submit on this.”..No I don’t believe it is wrong. And if we say it is, we might as well give up on this whole idea of biblical teaching as you are putting that husband in an impossible situation. He has not authority.

        1. Thankfulhusband,
          There is a big difference, in my mind, between a husband saying, “I am accountable and responsible before God for the outcome of this decision. I will stand before Him and answer to Him about this. I have heard your concerns, your perspective, your feelings and ideas. I am taking those into careful and prayerful consideration. I love you, and I am seeking to do what is best ultimately for all of us. This is my decision. Please honor my decision.”

          and a husband screaming and cussing and saying, “You WILL submit to me on every issue! You will never ever have any say in anything we do. I’m in charge here. I’m the boss. You bow down to me. You understand?? Don’t you dare argue with me or question me. What I say goes! You know nothing. I don’t want to hear you open your mouth…”

          In my view, the second husband is “demanding” submission and respect. The first example the husband is being assertive in his position of authority and properly seeking to honor God in managing his family wisely.

    2. Interesting thoughts . . . but I challenge the fact that it’s okay to demand obedience. Christ offers us his love and salvation but does not demand that we accept it. Even when we choose him his interactions don’t often feel demanding – and by demanding I mean “Obey or else”. Yes, I am told to submit but I’m not sure where the word “obey” comes in.

      I’m just not sure that scripture teaches that my husband has the right to discipline me like I am his child. I am his helpmeet. His partner. Not an underling he can withhold privileges from.

  4. A couple things stuck out to me, as I was reading this April. The fact is, I do actually measure my success as a husband, by my wife’s happiness. I also judge my success as her spiritual head, by her devotion to Christ, as on who will have to give account. In most things in the home, I allow my wife to decorate, or arrange the furniture as she pleases. These are not issues I believe, are worth disrupting our unity over. It does work both ways on that particular aspect of marriage.

    Someone told me once, that a good leader, only uses the amount of force necessary to accomplish the goal. I have found this to be true.So, as a rule, I start with suggestions, or questions when trying to guide my wife. If she disregards my opinion, or presents a contrary view, I then have to ask myself, if it’s important enough, to be willing to be judged by God for being harsh, or overbearing. If not, I let it go. I do believe we husbands will be held accountable for, both our wives and our children, at least in terms of how we dealt with them.

    1. I love your perspective here, TC. I think that’s wise leadership and it sounds a lot like the kindhearted way my husband leads me. When a wife is lead with gentleness, it makes following more of a joy!

    2. TC,
      My prayer is that husbands will measure their success by God’s approval and pleasure with them – not by their wives’ easily changeable feelings. Ultimately, husbands will answer to Him, not to us. I am so thankful that my husband takes my feelings into account and loves me unconditionally, but then he does what he believes is best in the sight of God even if I don’t agree at the time. I am so grateful that my feelings are not the final measure when he makes a decision.

      However, I do desire to bless my husband with my joy, peace and contentment. But the only way I can truly have all of those things is through my relationship with Christ, not through my husband. I hope that makes sense!

      I love that idea about leadership. Thank you for sharing. This is very helpful!

  5. Hi April:
    Thanks for this good follow-up post.

    I have a quick question… You often say, “The only exceptions would be if our husbands are asking us to very blatantly sin against God,” so I am unsure why it is popping out at me just now. But — what do you mean when you specify “blatantly?”


    1. Prayinglikehannah,

      Awesome question, please check the post at the top of my home page about spiritual authority.

      I personally don’t know that I could submit if Greg asked me to lie that I was not his wife. I would need serious confirmation from God!

      But if a husband is asking his wife to renounce God, assist him in murder, join a cult, have an abortion, commit idolatry, etc… I believe a wife would have to obey God rather than men. acts 5:28

      I think it is interesting that Sarah is the example of biblical submission given in I Peter 3.

      Thankfully, God is able to lead us even through sinful men.

      1. Thanks April — Those are easy to identify because they are what “we” consider HUGE sins. But when you say “blatantly” I was wondering if you were that it is ok to submit to our husbands if they ask us to commit “small” sins. For example, if a husband asks a wife to tell her friend that she is not home because he hoes not want her to come over, should the wife say that lie to her friend?

        Of course, this is a very simple example, and it is just that — an example. What I am really just trying to clarify is if it is applicable to only “blatant” sins, or just sin in general.

        Thanks April! 🙂

        1. PrayinglikeHannah,

          The Spiritual Authority post contains my notes from Rev. Harold Weaver’s class about The Pre-eminance of the Doctrine of Spiritual Authority. He goes into detail about when it would be appropriate to not cooperate with someone in a position of spiritual authority over us – the government, our boss, our husband, etc…

          For me, it would have to be something pretty significant, in order for me to be willing to refuse to honor my husband, not just a little thing.

          Ideally, in the little things, I could come up with a way to honor his request and NOT sin at all. i.e. not have to tell a little lie.

          So, I could try to see my husband’s goal, and see if I can suggest a way for him to meet his goal in a way that doesn’t involve me lying. I think most husbands would be ok with things if they are able to accomplish their objective. For example, I may be able to say, “I’m not available right now” – which is true.

          But – this is going to require a wife to be very in tune to God’s Spirit to have His wisdom about what to say, what to address, what to resist, when to refuse to cooperate. It’s a big deal. We will ultimately answer to Christ for our obedience to Him. I believe a wife must be filled with God’s Spirit to be able to have the discernment required to make these decisions.

          Thankfully, Greg has never asked me to do anything that I believed was sinful since I have been submitting to him for the past 3.5 years. However, if he did, I am prepared to share my heart, and to stand on God’s Word if he were to ask me to do something that is blatant sin. My ultimate goal is to please Christ alone.

          I hope that might help. 🙂

          1. Yes – this helps.

            Yes, I am aware of the option to change the wording and still accomplish the goal, but I specifically discounted that option, as my point was not to verify if we should try to accomplish our husband’s goal – but to clarify if we should honor the authority if asked to commit “non-blatant” sins. Fortunately, your husband has never asked you to commit any sin in 3.5 years – but for those who might be faced with the request to act in ways which might not be “major” but are still “sinful” according to the teachings of the Bible, I just wondered what your thoughts were.

            Thanks April 🙂

            1. Prayinglikehannah,

              A “non-blatant” sin would be something where there could be a difference of interpretation rather than a clear sin. Like some people believe Christians should definitely always tithe. Some don’t. There is no command in the New Testament for believers to tithe. Some wives count not tithing as sin. But is it really sin?

              These gray areas and matters of personal conviction are the things I was referring to. Not sure if I made that clear. 🙂

        2. prayinglikehanna,

          I believe there are ways of handling such situations, in a respectful way, without sinning.In your example,you could simply say it’s not a good time, or some such thing. I assume, your husband’s intent is to avoid alienating your friend, while respecting his desires.To offer an alternative way of accomplishing the same thing, is not disrespectful, if it is a matter of conscience.I believe in such a case, what is important, is complying with the request, that your friend not come over. Hope this helps.

          1. Hi TC:

            Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me 🙂 Part of the reason I pointed to how simple that example was, was because I know it could be pointed out, in that case that an alternative way of accomplishing goal could be found. (BTW, it was an out-of-the-air example, I have never had that situation).

            I am unsure that I clearly stated the main basis of my question. It was not regarding whether or not an alternative way could be found, as that can be true even if a husband suggests a “holy” way to handle something. I just wanted to know if it is ok to not do what our husbands ask when it is “blatant” sin, but we should honor our husbands in “small” sins.

            The idea of finding an alternative is an option – but was not the basis of what I wanted to understand.

            Thansk again TC 🙂
            P.S. BTW — finding an “alternative” way to do something a husband asks, might be considered disrespectful too; but that’s a whole other discussion 🙂

  6. My husband USED to be extremely demanding, not ever taking my wants and needs into consideration. He felt he had a God given right to be this way. I will not argue that he did, and still would, should he choose to be this way. In fact, I pretty much gave him free reign, quietly submitting although sometimes seething while submitting. But we took a marriage enrichment course at my church a few years ago, and there we learned that what I really need to do is be honest about my feelings about what he is asking (demanding) me to do, and he needs to take those feelings into consideration. We then need to find a solution that works for both of us. It also really works well this way if a wife needs something from her husband. This way, both members of the couple feel loved, and do not seek satisfaction outside the marriage from friends, kids, or worse, attractive members of the opposite sex, for those needs both husband and wife have that should be met from within the marriage. Needs like a woman feeling she is special and loved, a man feeling he is valued and respected.

    For instance (hypothetically) if I feel HE is spending too much on credit cards, he needs to listen and either stop it or help me figure out a way to have peace with the bills – especially since it may come down to a situation where I must work outside the home so we have enough money to pay his credit card bills. And where he would also have the divine right to cut up credit cards belonging to me if I were abusing them, it would be better for the marriage if he did the same thing I would. Ask me to either stop, or help him figure out a way to have peace with this, because it’s his job that’s paying the bills.

    1. Ellen,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I’m very glad your husband is not so demanding and that he sees the wisdom and value in listening to your perspective, wisdom, insights, desires, needs and feelings. PRAISE GOD! That is how marriage should be!

      I don’t advocate a wife not sharing her needs or feelings or outwardly submitting but inwardly seething.

      There are times during The Frustrating Quiet Phase where a formerly controlling and disrespectful wife may need to be quiet temporarily as she learns wisdom and discretion. But – I believe it is a wife’s duty and responsibility to share her perspective, wisdom, feelings, desires and needs with her husband in a respectful, polite, loving, gentle way so that he has all of the information.

      I’m very glad y’all got help from counseling! That is wonderful.

  7. Please, can someone help me understand how this all relates to a Command Man husband (as described in Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debbie Pearl)? A husband who thrives on being in charge, sees things in absolutes–black and white, and tends to see others who don’t see things as he does as wrong. I see the value in someone like this—they do a great job at determining and protecting truth. But, given that my husband and I are polar opposites in our interests and how we view life, I am having a hard time in submitting in ALL things, with having any identity at all outside my husband’s identity. Maybe this is the goal–like someone mentioned above–to die completely to ourselves by denying our own wants?

    I know that as a Christian I am crucified with Christ. It is not I who lives, but Christ lives within me. Does this mean that I no longer should have or pursue likes or interests of my own? When I do, I feel guilty because my likes and interests are so different from his. For example (though is is a poor one because the issue was not actually significant, so please read this in context with the overall picture), for my birthday a few years ago he brought me to the store and told me to pick out a purse for my gift. I found one I liked, but he didn’t like that one. He showed me the one he liked, which I didn’t care for at all. To show honor to him, I chose the purse he liked. A purse is such a petty thing, and it really makes no difference in the long run, but really–should it matter to him what purse I choose?

    Or him telling me to pick a restaurant, but when I say where I’d like to go he then decides to go where he wants to go instead (maybe this is just his way of leading?), from the style of clothes I like (which he does not like, so I try to wear what he likes instead, but I feel guilty if I do wear what I like occasionally), to wanting to volunteer (he does not have a passion for the areas in which I want to volunteer). I kind of feel like what’s the point in even asking me to choose anything, if he is just going to override it. My life is Christ’s, and not my own, but is it totally and completely also my husband’s?

    The case of the volunteer work is something I’m dealing with now. I mentioned to him yesterday that I’d like the kids and me to help out at a food bank this summer. He made a face and said I should help out with wounded warriors. I regret that I even brought it up to him–I’m starting to feel that if I don’t mention things to him, then he can’t give me his opinion, so I don’t have to feel guilt for not doing what he wants instead something that I care about.

    I truly am not trying to be selfish. Early in our marriage I knew nothing of submission, and it has taken me years to allow Christ to change me, so I am still experiencing the consequences of those years. I hope that you recall other posts I have written and know that I do want Christ to be first. I am willing to give all and everything if that is what Jesus wants. Is this truly what is being asked of me, as it is not at all how I pictured a Christian marriage would be.

    Maybe someone can help me see the forest for the trees, or where my thinking is in error?


    1. HisHelper,

      I do know your heart for Christ and your love for your husband and your respect for him. I also have zero experience with a “Command Man.” Greg is so easy going. It seems to me like there should be room for a wife to make some of her own decisions.

      I hope that a wife with a command man, or a command man, might be willing to share insights and godly wisdom about these important questions with you!

  8. “I keep trying to submit but feel fearful that no one will protect me if my husband abuses his power (I don’t think he will).”

    Even if a husband were “abusive” in some way, 99.99% of churches are already hyper-sensitive and alert to that possibility anyway, and so husbands don’t have any “freedom” to be “abusive” even if they wanted to. Most Churches would jump into that situation very quickly to correct the husband – even ignoring the possibility that wives might be telling complete lies or that they might share some or most of the blame for their own problems.

    Even if a wife is afraid of this potential – many times just theoretical – “abuse,” then she already has a plethora of support groups and organizations waiting to help. Many churches even have special “domestic violence” ministries that focus on and help only women, as if men could never be the victims themselves.

    Our society has women so focused on their own fears, that they can’t see past themselves. Our Churches and communities are designed to protect women from every perceived fear – even those which present no legitimate threats at all. They are regularly blaming and correcting men for things that those men didn’t even do – all because women said they were “afraid.”

    My point being that such “abuse” – even if legitimate – could not last too long without Pastors, Churches, and local organizations intervening quickly to stop it.

    All it takes to receive help is a single phone call.

    BUT, if you truly love God, then you won’t accuse your husband of abuse that is not ALREADY proven and demonstratable, and you will take responsibility for things in which you share due blame. You will do your best to resolve the issue biblically and quietly, rather than seeking your own personal “justice,” satisfaction, and revenge through the church, social, and legal systems available to you.

    If you would rather have “justice” than working to build a mutually repentant, healthy, and biblical marriage, then your heart is in the wrong place, and you need to repent yourself!

    Those churches and community organizations are designed to help women and punish men, and they are not interested in the truth. To them “truth” is whatever women want to claim, and men are already assumed to be guilty before women even speak.

    If your husband ALREADY has a proven and demonstratable history of violence, then you might want to know your Pastor’s phone number just in case your husband becomes violent, but if you are just afraid of the theory and possibility that you might be “abused” (and your husband has no proven, demonstrated, history of violence), then you are likely just reacting to your own personal fears, and placing undue blame on your husband for “making you FEEL afraid,” rather than blaming yourself for reacting to those irrational fears.

    Fear, itself, is not actual proof that you have any legitimate reason to fear “abuse” – it is just an emotion worth thinking, praying, and possibly talking with your husband about. If your husband lacks a legitimate history of abuse, then try giving him the benefit of doubt, give your fears to God, and try trusting your husband.

    If you have difficulty trusting him now, then at least trust that you already have an entire society designed to protect you, should he ever become legitimately violent.

    Give your fears to God, and follow Matthew 18 before making false assumptions or abusing your husband with the church/social/legal system.

    Just because you feel afraid (or even if you do become abused) does not give you permission to stop obeying scripture yourself.

    Obedience to God is more important than your emotions and desires. And your lifelong biblical marriage is more important than any of the difficulties and hardships along the way.

  9. HisHelper,
    I’m a “Command Man” so for what it is worth here a couple thoughts.

    1) how old is he? Command men mellow with age typically towards their wives. Especially, after knowing she is submissive and it’s not going to be a fight. So by what you said, my guess is there was a constant struggle in your marriage for quite a few years. Once he comes to peace with the fact that it won’t be that way it will mellow out and he will begin looking out for your needs and desired more and more.

    2) We are strong personalities. There will be times where he is not trying to dictate a decision to you, he is just expressing his opinion as everyone in the world does, but because of how strong his personality it is it’s taken more as a command/directive/decision. I have learned as a command man (and a large man) that I have to talk in a soft voice, not make too much eye contact, almost purposefully make my body language meek and mild or folks think there is more force behind what I am saying that there is. This might be a trick he needs to learn and you might have to learn what is important to him and what just seems important to him because of his personality. There might be times where he is just expressing his opinion on “a purse” and it’s just that, his opinion…but please buy the one you want.

    3)We respond well to questions and times where we can save/make the day for our wives. If you want to eat at a certain place, ask him nicely if you can eat there before he asks. “Do you know what would make my night? If we could eat at that new Thai place! Would you take me there?”

    Honest, sometimes us command men are just buttheads! We love you, we really do. If we aren’t hitting you or cheating on you as command men, we love you. I know that sounds strange to women, but most command men are men of action and cut straight to the heart with our words and actions. To be honest, you signed up for a tougher gig than a wife of a Mr. Steady. I know for a fact I am not easy to live with comparitively. I love my wife more than anything don’t get me wrong and she knows that. But I know that 90% of men would be easier to live with as she could have her way more. There are blessings to being married to a command man and there are downsides. As with most things in life, we are better to keep our eye on the blessings and occassionally pray about the downside or we get a skewed idea.

    I hope that helps a little.

    1. ThankfulHusband,
      This is very helpful. Thank you!

      I think that sometimes the balance between being loving and not harsh can be difficult for a command man. I love how you purposely seek to soften your approach.

      Yes, there are advantages and disadvantages of each personality type.

    2. His Helper,
      One last thought. Often times in a command man we would stop doing something that moment if we knew were hurting our wives. I have found we have thicker skin, higher pain tolerances, etc and we take our reality and project it onto others. Without spiritual maturity and maturity in general we will continue to do that running roughshod over those around us who do not have our tolerances for work, expectations and even pain.

      I’m not a huge fan of the “communication” fixes everything club. But honestly, sometimes as command men we don’t understand where others are coming from (and they don’t understand were we are coming from) so hurt feelings come up.

      Sometimes you have to just tell your husband X hurts you…just don’t cry wolf too often (that’s key with us too…like i said we are a tough bunch to deal with).

      1. “Often times in a command man we would stop doing something that moment if we knew were hurting our wives. I have found we have thicker skin, higher pain tolerances, etc and we take our reality and project it onto others”

        Those words nicely summarize why I was a “controlling wife” [yikes! I even hate to call myself that 🙁 ]. I had NO clue that I was hurting my husband, after all I loved him so much and was just trying to “take care of things” and “make sure things were done the right way.”

        But yup, spiritual growth does clarify things!

    3. ThankfulHusband, thank you for shedding more light on Command Men! He is in his early 40s, and an officer in the military, so he is very used to giving orders and having instant obedience all day, every day, (But, on the other side of the coin, he is good at receiving and following orders too!) He is a man full of integrity, and I admire his dogged determination to do the right thing, no matter the cost.

      I have learned over the years to have a thicker skin and not take some of the things that he says and does so personally. I think maybe my eyes had begun to stray from the positives, so I was getting off track, so thank you for the reminder to keep my eyes on the good things.

      I have read many marriage books in an attempt to improve our marriage, but my man doesn’t tend to fit the mold most authors portray, nor does he want to in any way be manipulated into change! I can easily become discontent by seeing very different dynamics in other marriages, even on this helpful website, that are not in mine. But, I have found that total reliance on Christ, and finding my identity in Him, rather than my husband, is key to maintaining peace with my husband and contentment in general.

      Thank you again for taking the time to write!


  10. Hi HisHelper

    I love your name 🙂

    I have a steady/command man and he does things like you are describing, where I think I should have input, but he doesn’t consider it or “need” it.

    About 10 years ago, we moved into the home we have now and we needed a new washer and dryer. So I did my homework and found some I liked. I showed him, but it didn’t matter. . .he’d already found the set we would eventually buy. I was dumbfounded! Why would HE have any interest in MY washer/dryer choice?? HE NEVER DOES LAUNDRY!! For weeks, I talked at him about it (I say it that way because that’s how it went) but he’d made up his mind & he knew these were the ones he wanted! I told him it was similar to me picking out his lawn tractor, but he didn’t see the similarities.

    Over the years he’s made lots of decisions that way. From cars to groceries. And Yahweh has seemingly done nothing to change that. But He has changed me. (Hallelujah!)

    Fast forward a decade, . . .and a little wisdom. (And I’m still using that same washer and dryer) He came to me last month and said I need a new cell phone. I’ve always had a very simple phone with a very inexpensive plan. I don’t use it but to call and text and take a few pictures. . .Anyway, he had decided I need to get up with the times and get a “smart” phone. And he knew just the one! He researched all the information and knew he had found the one I needed. So he ordered it, with the case he picked out and all! And I trusted him to do that. I let him lead. And I let him provide for me. And it’s not so bad. Is it a choice I would’ve made for myself right now? Probably not. .

    I guess my point is I’ve learned to be grateful for what he provides. Even when it seems I should have more of a voice than I do. . And Yahweh has shown me the blessings. I can find the cheapest gas price in town with an app he put on there! I can scan a barcode on a product and find who has it cheaper and how far away they are! (As well as the directions to get there) I know the weather for the week from a little widget that tells me 🙂

    I have seen way more blessings from submitting to the wonderful man God gave me and trusting his vision for our family than I ever have from my own wisdom and ideas. And I don’t mean to say that NO woman can ever have her own ideas – but you do need to know your man!

    As far as volunteering goes, I can only tell you what I would do. I would follow his lead. You already told him you prefer the soup kitchen. So, he disagrees. . .I don’t think it’d be disrespectful to ask for clarification if you’re not sure how to go about doing what he wants, but I’d give it a shot. If it’s a disaster, you’ll have more satisfaction in the fact that you honored your husband than if you don’t. And the soup kitchen will still be there. Hold fast in the appreciation that he supports your passion for volunteering. Many command husbands would assume you have enough to do at home!

    I want to also give a shout out to ThankfulHusband. I’ve enjoyed reading the discussion here today and I thank you very much for reminding me that submission and obedience are really not as conditional as we like to pretend they are. Thank you, brother.

    1. “And Yahweh has seemingly done nothing to change that. But He has changed me. (Hallelujah!)”

      Love that! 🙂

        1. Fallenshort:
          As Thankfulhusband would say, “thanks for the shout out.” LOL

      1. As the wife of a formerly Command Man, I so agree with PrayingLikeHannah’s attitude. I still have to rely on God when my still stubborn husband does things I don’t agree with, even things that aren’t abuse but cause me to suffer. But I am also big on communication. For (very real) instance, if I were in HisHelper’s place, I would say to my husband “How exactly can women and children help wounded warriors?” I would hope, even though he’s Command Man, this question would help him guide the family into a ministry suitable for a family, perhaps even relying on your feedback that feeding people at a soup kitchen is a better opportunity. But if he has a legitimate idea of how women and children can help wounded warriors, go for it. My husband is ex-military and in the past we have been involved in both feeding people at a homeless shelter (an idea I liked at first, but sought his opinion before volunteering) and in helping his former Air Force squadron’s Family Readiness Center, which is a program that helps make deployments easier on the families. (That one was his idea.) Both experiences blessed our life.

        1. My husband is an officer in the military, Ellen, so I know what you are talking about, and I’m sure this is why he mentioned helping wounded warriors. I will have to do the groundwork in researching this, as he currently has no time to do so. It may be that there is something we can do, but I have not seen anything specific yet, except donate or raise money.

          Thank you for your input of what you would do if you were in my shoes! 🙂


        2. Ellen the comment about Yahweh, was a copy from Fallenshort’s comments. I was agreeing with her too! 🙂

    2. Thank you for the “shout out” but I must admit that when you said, “Many command husbands would assume you have enough to do at home!” you hit pretty close to home. That is me. Not that I mind my wife doing the occassional volunteer thing or bible study but honestly, most women would probably consider me “abusive” because I like to have my wife at home. Sure she does the once a month girls from church bookclub with the gals at her favorite restaurant at night and once in a while volunteers at church…but yes, I expect my wife at home, not working at a job, homeschooling our children and taking care of the home. I make sure she is very appreciated and praised for it but in the day and age where many of her friends are stay at home moms that drop their kids at school or daycare and then spend their days doing whatever they want I’m considered an option slightly above the Taliban in many of their minds…

      To be perfectly honest, I have spent hundreds of hours volunteering in soup kitchens before we were married and shortly thereafter. I would not want my wife anywhere near one without me there for protection.

      1. Ha! I read that with a smile- my husband could’ve written it. Very well stated and I agree, not the popular position in this day. Thank you.

      2. I think safety is a big reason my husband frowned upon my idea of the food bank, though I’m not sure if there is a safety concern there versus a food kitchen. It might be in a bad area of town maybe? Thanks for mentioning the safety issue.


        1. Yep, it was a safety issue! We talked about it, and he was concerned for me and the children to be there without him. I do love how he protects us! 🙂

          1. HisHelper,
            WOOHOO! I’m glad you were able to talk about it. And I love that your husband wanted to protect you. 🙂 That is a godly leader!

    3. Thank you, FallenShort! Yes, my husband, too, has much wisdom and such a larger vision than I have, and that is where I need to focus and always be thankful!

      It is also very nice to hear from other wives of Command Men, to know that I am not alone in the unique challenges this brings. I had no idea when I married what I was signing up for, as my husband is so different from my dad. But, God has used this man’s unwavering commitment to lead to bring my rebellious, controlling heart to a place of submission, and I am grateful! I only regret the pain I caused my husband along the way as I was learning.

      I still have a ways to go, but thank God I know I am on the right track! I tend to want to hear encouraging words from my husband, but I don’t think this comes naturally to him, and so I sometimes get discouraged because it seems I can never please him. But, I am learning instead to seek approval only from the Father, to do all things unto Him, not for the praises of men.

      God bless you for writing, FallenShort!!


      1. “God has used this man’s unwavering commitment to lead to bring my rebellious controlling Heart into submission”

        I love that, sister! So true!

      2. Hi His Helper!

        I, on the other hand had a Mr. Command Dad, brought up in a military home. My choice of spouse is nearly 100% Mr. Steady. Really worlds apart. I came around to being Miss Command Girlfriend, then Mrs. Command Wife. I do not know if I consciously took on my dad, but I did somewhat consciously chose someone opposite of him.

        I am by nature, emotionally needy and wanting to be reassured often, and my Command Dad did not really give me much affection nor attention. My husband on the other hand gives me overflowing love and affection! 🙂

        If I may pose this question to the ladies here, or even the gentlemen…


        1. Nikka,

          My dad was a command man. And I was his “son” until my younger brother was old enough to take over. I definitely emulated after my dad, not my more quiet mom.

        2. Nikka,

          I think my husband is like my dad in a lot of ways (he takes care of the house, provides for our family, is extremely loving), but he’s opposite too (he is a strong leader whereas my dad tends to allow my mom to berate him a lot).

          I think my husband is like my dad in the best areas, and isn’t like my dad in the not-as-great areas.

          I say to my husband all the time, pointing at him, “Jackpot!” 🙂

      3. HisHelper and Fallenshort,

        It could be helpful to have more posts for wives of command men and visionaries. I may need some help at times, because I don’t have experience with a command man, all of my experience is with a Mr. Steady.

        Would either of you be interested in writing about respect from the perspective of a wife of a command man?

        1. I can’t say that I could speak with any authority about this topic, April. This is the one area that continues to baffle me! Over the years the pendulum has swung from totally submitting and losing myself completely in his identity, to me going out on my own to pursue my own interests, and neither has really brought our hearts closer or improved my marriage. I know there is a happy medium there somewhere, but I have yet to find it. Maybe more time and evidence that I am willing to follow will be what it takes to soften his heart. All I know is that I cannot do anything in hopes to gain something from my husband, I can now do all only in obedience to Christ and leave the results to Him.


          1. HisHelper, I have been reading through all these posts, and I just want to assure you that you are NOT ALONE! My husband is a command man, too–which we are learning here from ThankfulHusband can be very difficult but very good IF he is mature. But an immature command man? Lord, help us all! 🙂 I have very similar situations where he may ask my opinion…for instance, where to go to eat on MY birthday, and he makes an alternate suggestion. Or harshly being told “No!” for something that I would like to do. Even the smallest things seem to turn into an ordeal. I grow so weary! I feel like I am a shell of the bubbly person I used to be. (I, too, have tried everything from the “go do my own thing” to the “lose myself in his identify” and still haven’t found the sweet spot.) I have been wrestling with God’s wisdom in putting us together for years, and there are days it would be easier to believe God just doesn’t exist. BUT, he always draws me back to him (“where else do I have to go, Lord?”) and my definition of “trust in Christ” and “surrender” and “dying to self” are taking on much deeper meanings. I can taste the freedom in it all more and more as time goes on. I’ve got to keep an ETERNAL perspective EVERY DAY and keep the truths of the gospel at the forefront of my mind every moment. Keep fighting the good fight of faith!

            1. Jane Doe, I’d love to reach through the computer and hug your neck! 🙂 Thank you for your encouraging words! Yes–in our struggles this is the perfect opportunity for us to experience a joy in the Lord that we likely might otherwise never know!…and I can, therefore, give thanks for the trials that I have gone through in my marriage because it has brought me to the feet of Jesus where I know a love that is not even comparable to anything on this earth. It is my prayer that this glorious, spotless love would flow freely, directly from the throne of God, though me to my husband!

              God bless you, sister, and thank you so much for writing!


        2. Hi April- sorry, I just saw this. I’d be willing to help if I can! I usually don’t feel I have much to offer but I seem to write a book whenever I comment!- lol. If you can be specific about what you’re thinking (which I know you can😂) I would prayerfully consider writing about it!

  11. After reading these last few comments I want to make sure I’m painting a clear picture. Once my wife had a change of heart and became a submissive wife, there is very little “commanding” or “demanding” that has to be done…very, very little. I’m afraid some of you might think our house is run like boot camp, nothing could be further from the truth. Our relationship and house if full of warmth and love and tenderness. But there was a season was were there was a clashing of wills/lifestyles/biblical outlooks where the things I spoke about today came into play. These days, my wife is more hardcore about submission than I am…I think because she has seen the incredible difference it has made and the truth of it from scripture. In other words, if anything I have to tell her to go easier on herself. There are times where I need to make sure she is giving herself the grace she needs. I just don’t want to paint too bleak of picture of being married to a command man!

    1. Ha! It’s okay TH. We get ya! 🙂 I have not for a second pictured your house to be Hell’s Kitchen or Military Boot Camp. 🙂

      These days too, coming from the opposite end of the Spectrum Mr. Steady married to Mrs. Command Woman, after my decision to Biblically submit, my husband Dong thinks the same way as you do — that I have become all-out, “hardcore” as you put it into Biblical submission. Since he is the type to not really demand anything, this has made our marriage so much more joyful and peaceful. It has always been his ideal to have a wife whom he can lead, but given his laid-back nature, if I don’t want to be led, he won’t push for it.

      Biblical submission works for all kinds of personalities and temperaments, because it IS God’s Design for Marriage. No matter the variables, it will still work, because God made it so. 🙂

      Your marriage does not look bleak to me, and I am sure to the others here as well! Although I get where you are coming from, when you say the picture you have painted looks a bit “harsh” for lack of a better word. 🙂

      1. Nikka,
        Yes, Greg was really surprised when I decided to start submitting to him. He was afraid people would think he was “abusing me.” But he never asked me to submit. God showed me that is what He was calling me to do. I am definitely “hard core” into submitting to God now and if that means biblical submission to my husband and respecting my husband – I am on it!

        What a blessing it has been for us both.

        I’m so thankful that God’s Word works for all of us. His wisdom is incredible.

        1. Amen to that, April!

          I find myself recalling my old thoughts and behavior a lot, especially when the “old issues” that continue to crop up still happen. It is amazing how the situation can still be the same, but that I am no longer who I was before. Recalling how critical and condescending and prideful I was in the past, I cringe. I no longer want to go back to that Nikka ever again.

          Submitting to God and then to Dong, has FREED me from so many of my bondages (eating disorder, extreme career ambitions, discontentment and depression, lunatic PMS episodes, etc..) that on my own before or acting upon the advice of Cosmo mag or Oprah or self-help books, I was not able to do. It only made things worse!

          Thanks for being with me in this journey, April. 🙂 You and I are so much alike. And, I am grateful for the community because it allows me to see how it is living from the other end of the spectrum as well. We are all different, yet somehow still all the same.

  12. I just wanted to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed this post and comments and it led to such a fruitful discussion with my husband who is a command man and I am a go to woman which is the female version of the c command man. There was some serious issues and clashing in our marriage until God began to teach me what submission was and show me my ugly sin

  13. I strangely enough have never had an issue with submitting with little things. I almost always ask my husband what he wants whether it is what we eat or even what candle to buy. Little things don’t matter to me.

    It is the big issues that involve my security whether financial or emotional that I have a hard time with. I am getting better. Once I realized that it was really trusting God that was my issue, I made progress.

    One important thing I have learned as far as disagreements is that I have a right to say I don’t like something. It is not disrespectful to express my feelings. It is disrespectful to express my feelings in a disrespectful way.

    What I don’t have a right to do is insist that my husband feel the same way I do. I don’t have the right to tell him what to do with his life but I do have the right to make time in my life to care for me. I have learned that it is not disrespectful to say “I don’t like when you do that” “When you do x or y, it makes me feel a or b” “When you do x it makes my life more stressful” It is the saying it the right way and leaving it that I had to submit to.

    I am finding the more I do it correctly the more he cares about my feelings.

      1. of course 🙂 I am always amazed when I share something that I think was plain as day to everyone but me and I was so slow to get it, that it actually helps someone else.

        1. Daisymae,

          Many of us have very similar struggles. So – it definitely helps to share the little baby steps. That is exactly what other wives need!

  14. Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” Luke 16:10

    This week my heart has been heavy and honestly after reading this verse which I have read before I feel like I should proceed with separating with my husband. I know the bible says that God hates divorce.

    I have posted here before with the name Much Happier, but that is not my current state right now. I have been trying to forgive my husband after finding out lots of inappropriate texting activity with the women in his office and behavior like giving them neck messages, being a sympathetic listener to their marital problems and given them kisses on their forehead (according to him) to even saying “love you” to them, running with them during lunch, having lunch with them, going to a dance exercise class during lunch time just because they convinced him to go, something he wouldn’t do with me. He had denied doing anything inappropriate and that those women where like his sisters (11 weeks later I happened to ask him something and he admitted to having had sexual thoughts and admiring the rear of one of them) After discovering all of this he had promised me full disclosure (I did not asked for it) and that he had stopped engaging them in personal conversation.

    We have been going to therapy and I was beginning to heal from the mistrust but occasionally in the midst of our conversations at home he would say something that indicated to me that he is not completely keeping himself from engaging the women in his office even though he had told me he had. So I have had many set backs because as our Christian marriage counselor put it he “keeps dragging my head to the mud”.

    I would ask him something and because he had not been completely hones he panic and his immediate reaction will be to lie. He will ask me to forgive him and them something else would come up again, he would then say “no more lies I promise”, then again something else and I would ask him if he did xyz and he would say no when the answer should have been yes.

    So almost a years later I have found out that therapy doesn’t work unless the person with the bad behavior accepts full responsibility and stops the behavior. We even attended a weekend to remember seminar and it was great but then again if things are not put into practice even if I choose to try to meet him at 90% and only expect maybe 10% from him, things will not work. (I had asked him back in 2009 if we could attend one and he said we would look into it. I just thought it would be nice to go and enrich our marriage but because a female Christian friend had told him a long time ago that her and her husband went to one and found it boring my husband just did not think it was important to go) I have to say it was not boring, it was great and it gave me hope but again both partners have to be willing to put in something.

    On Mothers day once again he mentioned something which gave me the indication that the women in his office knew about. So I asked “your coworkers now about that” and he said only “x” a name which happens to be a male. Then I asked “do the women know?” and he said “I don’t remember telling them”…this is his usual response when he is lying. I asked again, “do the women know?” (without yelling) and he said “I might have told them”. Every time I hear these words I feel a huge set back all the way back to when I discovered the inappropriate behavior.

    He then admitted to having had x conversation with the women in a group setting and he panic so he said no. He came home on Monday quoting me James 5:16 so he needed to confess at then proceeding to tell me that he had lied to me and still engaged some of the women in talk even though he would tell me that all the personal talk had stopped. He admitted to having a crush on another woman back in 2012 and that he made excuses to stop by her office to see her and say hi to her. This happened around a time when I had an injury and ended up having surgery and he was not there for me emotionally.

    He is the type who has to have an input in what color we paint the walls and I usually give in. He often rejected me when I would try to initiate sex only for me to see him masturbate a couple of hours later. If he was not in the mood and thought that I might be he would say that he is tired so I got the hint and then later on once I was sleep he would wake me up to have sex. He is a good man, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, is not violent and he has all these little things that are tearing me apart. He almost never takes my opinion which I do not voice in a bossy or demanding way but if one of his female coworkers has and opinion or he reads it somewhere he takes it to heart. He tells me that he loves me and that I’m beautiful but his actions don’t communicate the same thing.

    Last summer after we had started therapy when were on a dinner date and I asked his what are some qualities that he admires about me; I was hoping we could focus on building each up instead of our problems. He started out by saying well your butt is a little flat I wish it was more round but I do like blah, blah, blah….I got lost at my butt being flat.

    There is just so much more, too much for me to write on this but I my heart aches to think that this little things will cause the end of my marriage but at the same time like the verse at the top it all comes down to trust, not only did he break our trust but as I have tried to rebuild it he keeps dragging me back down. I find it impossible to just focus on the positive and ignore all this behavior. No wife should have to endure this type of behavior specially a wife who is not overly demanding.

      1. I went to see the therapist on Tuesday and he told me that he never saw my husband as being fully honest this past year. And when I told him that I’m done he told me that he completely understands but because I’m in such an emotional state and sleep deprived to just separate but not make any other decisions.

        He told me that this could be good that my husband finally confessed. I feel like it’s way too late and even before he confessed to the continuing lying and the crush affair (which he also admitted to having thought of when having sex with me or when masturbating) I had already resolved that I just can’t continue in a marriage where there I no trust. If I never say or question anything then “we” are happy but it will just be “me” ignoring the problem. My husband’s mantra is whatever I don’t know and whatever he doesn’t tell me won’t hurt me.

        The therapist asked me to think of what I would tell the kids 10 years from now and if this was enough for a divorce, although he completely understand that I have been dragged down. I had though about it. I would say I gave it all I could.

        1. Separated,
          This is definitely a very painful situation. However, I agree with your therapist about waiting until you have time to rest, sleep, get in touch with God in prayer and not making any long tern decisions. I understand if you need to separate. But -I have seen God heal much worse situations than this, and would hate for you to miss God’s miracles. I hope you might rest in God’s love and seek Him with all your heart and allow Him to work in your husband as you focus on you and God.

          God can change your husband. God can heal you. God can heal your marriage. Maybe it could be worth just waiting and trusting and seeking Him without rushing into anything right now?

        2. Separated,

          I believe that trust may be able to be rebuilt if your husband truly repents. I am not saying you need to trust him right now. But I have every hope that God is able to make something beautiful from this situation.

  15. Do you believe a wife – if asked by her husband – should work outside the home in order to afford a private Christian school for their children? (We live in a country where homeschooling is illegal, otherwise we would homeschool.)

    1. Nicoletta,

      I work part time outside the home as a pharmacist because my husband asks me to. I don’t believe that scripture teaches it is a sin for a wife/mother to work outside the home. If her job keeps her away from her family and children a lot when they are home, I would have concerns about it. What are your concerns? What do you believe would be best? Have you shared your heart with your husband and he still prefers for you to work so that the children may go to a Christian school? Is it possible that this could be of God?

      1. Our children are 14 months, 5 and 7 years old. My oldest has already started school, but he is on summer vacation at the moment and my middle child starts attending school in the fall. My concern is for the baby; I feel a nanny or daycare center is not going to provide the nurturing that I can. But my husband and I also worry about the ungodly teachings and influences my older children will encounter in a secular environment.

  16. Dear April, you may remember my dilemma from before you went on your summer break…..I am pregnant again and should we have a boy, I was worried that like last time, my husband would insist on an Arabic name of Abdulmajeed (to honor his father). In the time you were gone the last ultrasound showed, we are indeed having a boy! So my dilemma has become a real issue to deal with. I already submitted to my husbands wish with our daughter by calling her Fatima (like my husbands mum), but I simply cannot embrace the name he has in mind for the boy. I would he happy to settle for a number or compromises, to have the Arabic name as the middle name and agree on a first name we both love. But last time the name caused us such terrible, God- dishonouring fights that I am now simply too scared to even approach the subject of the name for our baby boy with my husband. I know that perfect love drives out all fear, but remembering what we went through with the name last time and how my husband was nit prepared for any compromise just makes me scared. I am sorry to say, that my darling husband was very unreasonable last time around …. And I guess the reason I am writing here now is that I want to know whether the name thing is one of those “little things” , where it is just important for me to submit irrespective of my feelings about the name. I do not want to be disobedient to God, but find my husbands behaviour quite harsh in insisting on one name only. I have tried to pray about it for weeks now and still feel, I cannot embrace the name he is suggesting, or not as the main name anyway, After all, it will be a name I also will use to relate to my boy…. Much prayer and wisdom is needed. I also need wisdom when would be a good time to respectfully approach it with my husband….my biggest prayer is, that God would have softened my husbands heart and he would be ready to discuss options. Thanks, M

    1. Manuska,

      I would love to see you respectfully, calmly, softly share your desires for the baby’s name. But if he is insistent, it may be that you can honor his desire. I pray for God’s wisdom for you!

      I think it is important for you to share your feelings. But you can do this in a respectful, polite, non-confrontational manner.

      “Honey, it would mean so much to me if we might use this name for the middle name and choose a first name together, please.” That may be all you need to say. If he gets angry, don’t argue. Just thank him for listening and considering your desire. and we will trust God to work in his heart.

      Much love to you!

      1. Sounds like being respectful and calm is not the greatest challenge this time around for Manuska. She is clearly thinking and praying a lot about this. Evidently, she wants to honor him but that name is a MAJOR problem for her. I think even using her hubby’s preference as a middle name is a big compromise for her, because it sounds as if she would not desire that name at all, middle or not. I AM NOT GIVING ADVICE HERE.. and Manuska needs to listen to God on this one and wise women like April. I’m sharing my own personal thoughts, which might not be wise in this case…but they are my thoughts none the less.

        I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would take a divine intervention for me to go with my husband on this one. There is nothing wrong with the name itself, I actually don’t like my own real name but it does not stress me :). , I would use calm and respectful tones, but it would be impossible for me to give my baby a name that I personally “detest.” Anyway, nothing is impossible with God and I hope that whatever Manuska and her husband finally agrees on will bring peace to both of their hearts…but I think the primary question here is, how to handle a situation in which one is peaceful, respectful and aims to honor the husband – but the husband refuses to be considerate and refuses to compromise?

        This is especially challenging when a mom-child concern arises, because I know how moms get when it comes on to their babies!! I’m not thinking of just “not liking” a name…. I am talking about hating a name. If I consider a name to be terribly ugly/inappropriate (and I am not speaking to this particular name) — no power on earth could let me give that name to my baby. I could not give birth to a life I love and associate that life with a name that gives me sleepless nights. But luckily, Manuska’s situation is in the power that is higher than us here on earth.

        I trust that Mauska’s prayers will yield the best situation for her, her baby and her husband. God can do all things.

        I have already given my disclaimer — but again, I am merely saying how prayinglikehannah, with all her imperfections would be affected by such a situation.

        1. Prayinglikehannah,

          I do think that her husband needs to know how much Manuska does not like the name. I don’t think it would be right for her to say nothing and go along with it with resentment. My prayer is that God might soften her husband’s heart and that he might be willing to work on a compromise.

          Thanks for sharing!

          1. PS, Prayinglike Hannah,

            Sometimes submission to our husbands HURTS. Sometimes it is painful. That is how it is when we “die to self” at times – for all believers. Sometimes we will be called upon by God to submit to something we strongly disagree with. The fact that she hates the name does not negate God’s commands to her as a wife to respect her husband and submit to him as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3).

            My prayer for this precious sister of ours is that God might either change her husband’s heart or change her heart and that she and her husband might together bring great honor and glory to God.

            1. PS, April 🙂 🙂
              I think you know that I know (from my own gut wrenching personal experiences!) that submission can HURT.

              And I hope nothing I said implied that I was saying the fact that she hates the name negates God’s commands. But this prayinglikehannah girl would need a supratherapeutic dose of prayer from everyone she knows, to give her baby a name that she absolutely hates. The fact that I will call my baby that name daily, means I would need to at least be able to tolerate it.

              But you are the voice of wisdom here :). . I cautioned that I am not giving advice, I stated that God can do anything. I am not giving advice, I am just sharing what would be a MAJOR challenge for this daughter of Christ.

              I admire the wives who would be able to name their child as the husband wants in a case where they REALLY hate the name. I think that is a good thing! Some of us just struggle more in this area than others. I trust that God will continue to work on me!

              1. Prayinglikehannah,

                It absolutely would require a lot of prayer.

                I think it also requires a skill we need in all areas of life, which is – to learn to hold loosely to everything but Jesus. To seek His will far above our own.

                God may use this situation to teach our precious sister to learn to trust Him, to die to self, to obey Him when she doesn’t understand, to strengthen her marriage… Who knows, god may even be inspiring this husband to want that name for some reason that may protect or help the boy in the future. I have no idea. But I do know our God is so very good. He wants what is best for everyone in this family. He is able to change a husband’s heart and mind. And He is able to give a wife His perfect peace.

                Oh! The post at the top of my home page “submitting under protest” might be a helpful one in these minds of situations, as well.

                Much love! Great questions and comments!


          2. April
            Not for 1 second, did I think you suggested that she go along and say nothing – but in case anyone else thought that, thanks for clarifying that 🙂

            1. Prayinglikehannah,

              You’re welcome. This is absolutely a difficult and painful topic. And for other readers, if a husband were asking his wife to clearly sin, that is a different situation, please check out the Spiritual Authority post at the top of my home page for more clarification about that.

              Thankfully, God is sovereign. I have seen Him change a husband’s heart when his wife is walking in obedience to a God. I have also seen Him change wives’ hearts, as well.

              This is certainly a difficult test. But it is also an incredible opportunity for a wife to show honor to her husband and to trust God to work even this for good as she trusts Him with all her heart. Sometimes God can be behind our husbands’ decisions in ways we cannot see until years later. I am so thankful for this wife’s love for Christ. I am also excited about what God has in store through this situation.

              If a husband and wife had huge fights with the lasts pregnancy, and this time, the wife is very respectful, gentle, honest but cooperative, that may speak to a husband’s soul in ways that nothing else could to draw him nearer to her and to Christ. It will be interesting to see! And, when a husband knows his wife trusts him and wants to honor and cooperate with his leadership and is not fighting him, he may soften to her desires because she is not fighting him.

              We will pray for this precious family together!

              1. April:

                You are no ordinary woman, and that is why God has been using you to teach so many of us women. I have learned a lot from you. I thank God for your wisdom; and I trust that one day I will have half the wisdom you have. I consider you a blessing in my life, and I am a much better person because of all the things I have learned from you. I am sure you are a treasure to your husband, and I admire you! Your heart is definitely always in the right place, and I do not disagree with you. I am merely being honest about my own limitations. I sincerely honor and value you.

                I know that when a husband asks a wife to sin (ANY kind of sin, in my eyes….. huge or small. Sin is still sin, in that case too) that is really the only time the wife should respectfully not honor his request.I just know that for most of us – even Godly wives…. it is not only things that are sinful that pose major challenges. ..and for me, when it comes on to my child, I think I am going to be particularly protective. In this particular case, it seemed like a major source of frustration to the mother…

                But yup, I guess it is possible that it is God who is leading the husband to give the baby the particular name. And the important thing is that she is seeking God, so hopefully if that is the case, God will give her peace with the name. He is all powerful and can change her husband’s heart – or he can even change her. (and she only has control over her self anyway). In such a case, it would really require Godly intervention to let me give my child a name I greatly hate. But, that is no problem, because we know God can intervene and change any heart – even mine!

                I also definitely agree, that now that she is more honoring in her approach, the husband is more likely to be more considerate of her desires as well… but if he does not change, I hope that in one way or another God will soothe her heart about this situation, which is truly a challenge for her.

                Thankfully God knows all our strengths and weaknesses and I think it is important for us to know them as well.. and I hope to be better one day 🙁 🙁 – but today, I cannot see myself giving our baby a name that horrifies me, in the spirit of honoring my husband. Thankfully though, God can use the worst of us.

              2. Prayinglikehannah,

                This may be the kind of topic that a wife would have to really wrestle over and yield to God. There are many topics like that. For me, it was working more in the pharmacy. I did NOT want to work more. I wanted to quit pharmacy and never work in one again when I began this journey. I believed Greg couldn’t hear God’s voice. I believed God wanted me at home with my children all the time. I didn’t think it could possibly be God’s will for me to work as a pharmacist anymore at all. The first 5 months after I yielded in full submission to Christ and in full submission, to the best of my very limited ability, to Greg.. I was tested. Every month, I got a new job offer with double or more the weekly hours that I had been getting at Walgreens after my hours had been cut to 8/week. I believed my hours being cut was a blessing and an answer to my prayers. Greg was devastated. But every month, I would cry and cry about the new job offers, but tell Greg I would honor his leadership if he felt I should work more. Our youngest was 3 at the time, in,new I only had 1 more year home with her before she started school. Greg let me wrestle with each job offer for about 2 weeks. The first few months I did nothing but cry. Greg eventually would tell me the choice was mine. I kept the 8 hours/week job. By the last month, I had learned to trust God and Greg and have peace in the face of uncertainty. I had to be willing to be content with whatever the outcome might be.

                We each have certain things that we really want or really don’t want.

                I used to beg God not to let me be famous! Now, I lay that in His hands and trust Him to lead me however He will.

                As we learn to lay down each issue at Jesus’ feet, we realize that these are tests of our faith and obedience. They reveal our true motives and priorities and bring sin to the top of our souls where God will skim it off if we are willing to yield fully to Him.

                It helps me to remember that my greatest love is Christ. My desire is His will. I know I have to be willing to accept “yes” or “no” from Him in any given situation. That is where the peace comes. When I trust Him fully, and desire His will alone, I can be content even when I don’t get my way, because I know He will bring something beautiful and good from the answer He gives me in His amazing sovereignty.

                There will always be tests. It may be that this wife’s test will refine her faith, and, it looks like, may help to refine the faith of many other wives, as well.

                I have tests now, too. Am I willing to trust God no matter what direction He leads. Am I willing to lay down anything He calls me to lay down? Are my motives pure?

                One test I have is that I would love to give much more to the poor and to orphans. Jesus commands us to do that, after all! But my husband is content with tithing and giving some to charities. But I want to give a lot more. God knows my heart. He knows my desire to obey Him. Now I trust God to work in Greg’s heart about exactly how much to give and where. I share my desire every so often. Then I pray and trust God.

                I am so glad we can be on this journey together. God uses us all to sharpen one another. That is a beautiful thing!!!

                Sending you the biggest hug!

              3. April –
                Firstly, please don’t think you need to personally reply to every comment ..remember you are on go-slow mode 🙂

                However — your example re the pharmacy has been very helpful to me in this overall discussion. How so? Well, I think sometimes when we don’t share the same concern as others, we can’t relate to why it is a big deal to them….. and if we are not careful, our inability to relate to the problem itself, negatively impacts the way we assess the concern. My thoughts are that, it is possible that it seems that I am being difficult about this name thing. Well, that’s because to me, it is a REAL big deal!

                Now that you give an example about your job, it helps to show me that some things are just bigger issues to some of us than others, because that would not be a big issue to me at all. Actually, I have never had a desire to stay at home. I love being a mom more than anything else, but I love to have a job outside of the home. I love what I do, and I love to talk “work-related” stuff to other professionals… so that would not be a problem for me…

                That is why, it is important for us to show grace to those who struggle with some of these things…because we all don’t see everything the same way.

                However – I do understand that regardless of whether it is easy for us or not…. we should seek to honor God and in doing so honor our husbands. But true…for each of us, the challenge in doing so, will present differently.

                Thank you for your teachings April.

              4. So true, PrayingLikeHannah! No doubt for Manuska the baby naming issue will involve much heart-wrenching prayer and surrender. It is easy for us to point out to her that there are some real positives that could come out of this should the baby’s name not be changed. But, put each of us in a different, but equally difficult situation in our own minds, and the battle in our hearts will rage just as strong. I have known that struggle in the past, and did not at the time have a relationship with Jesus in which I leaned on Him so that He was my strength. I dwelt on lies rather than meditating on truth through the trial. Needless to say, I did not do so well in that battle. Thank the Lord He used that experience to grow me, little by little into a more mature faith, and He is still at work today. I pray that the Lord would use this trial with naming her baby to grow Manuska’s faith too. It is never pleasant at the time, but I hope she will be able to look back and count this as a victory in her obedience and trust in the Lord.

              5. Prayinglikehannah,

                These are IMPORTANT things to talk about! You are speaking for the vast majority of wives here. We may not all be super upset about a baby’s name. Some of us would definitely be! But we all have certain issues that are very important to us – that we may be called upon to sacrifice to Christ – being willing to be content no matter what the outcome of a situation. This applies in the little things and in the big things, too.

                I am not saying this is easy. It is not. It is painful. It is hard. It requires an incredible amount of stretching, wrestling, seeking God, laying down our will and allowing Him to conform us to the image of Christ as He said, “Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. However, not My will but Yours be done.” That is the submissive Spirit God is calling us to as we follow Him as LORD of every aspect and detail of our lives.

                I don’t want wives to think they should not have feelings, desires or opinions. We all most certainly SHOULD have these things and I believe it is our duty and responsibility to respectfully share our thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, needs, dreams, ideas and concerns with our husbands – exactly like we should share these kinds of things with God. But then, we ultimately lay them at the feet of our Perfect Husband, Jesus. And we trust Him to lead us through our earthly husbands. And we can even do this with joy, peace and anticipation in time – as we look forward expectantly to see all that He will do through each situation and trial, knowing, one day – we will understand and it will be glorious!

                I don’t mind working in the pharmacy where I am now. At Walgreens, things were extremely stressful. Our tech hours were cut in half. We also began to give many kinds of blood tests and vaccines. I would often fill 150 rxs in 8 hours but the first 4 hours I had no tech. I also had a long list of chores I was supposed to get done. I had people yelling and cussing at me because they had to wait. And, of course, many forgeries and drug addicts to deal with. I would go home and just cry and cry. Now, I am at an independent pharmacy where we have much more help and things are not usually very stressful. I am also willing to work extra whenever I can because I know that is a blessing to Greg. I even asked him this year if he would like me to go full time. But he said he is happy with what I am working now.

                You are exactly right – that we absolutely do need to extend grace to our sisters (and brothers) who have different struggles and different hot button issues – because we are all different and we have different priorities. Grace is such a beautiful thing that we can all bless one another with. I love it!

                Praying that God might use this conversation to bless many wives.

                May be good fodder for a future post on a similar topic. 🙂

                Much love

              6. Oh!!! One more very important topic you brought up, Prayinglikehannah!!

                You mentioned that you would not follow your husband in any sin, whether little or big.

                I know that I personally got myself into so much trouble here.

                Sometimes, we have lists of “sins” in our minds that are not sins in God’s sight. We may have convictions about something. And we may think that if our husband doesn’t have our same conviction, he is sinning. This is the Romans 14 stuff. Some people are convicted to not work on Sundays to honor God. Other believers treat every day as a gift from God. Some believers are meat that was sacrificed to idols, knowing an idol wasn’t really anything but a statue. Some believers felt their conscience would be violated if they ate that meat.

                For us today, some of us believe it is a sin not to tithe or not to tithe a certain way. But tithing and how much to give is a personal conviction. It is not a command. Each man is to decide in his own heart what he wants to give, not under compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver. If I deride my husband for not tithing in the way I think he should and I label him a sinner, I may be passing judgment unfairly. I am not God. He will answer to God for this. I can share how and what I want to tithe, but then I can trust God to work in my husband’s heart.

                Some of us believe we should pray together with our husbands every night and that our husbands should initiate the prayer and lead a bible study for our family every night. Does the Bible say to pray? Yes. Does it say there is power in praying together? Yes! Does the Bible say the husband is to manage his own family well? Yes. But does it say that a husband must initiate prayer or pray a certain way or say certain words or read a one page devotional or one chapter of scripture every day out loud to his family after supper? No.

                That is why I say, if a husband is clearly asking his wife to sin…

                We must be sure that we aren’t labeling our preferences and expectations as God’s will unless we have very clear scripture to back it up. And we must be careful not to condemn our husbands for things God doesn’t label as sin.

                There are also differing interpretations of some scripture. God’s Word commands us as wives to ask our husbands about such things at home. We may not agree with their beliefs 100%. That is ok. But we don’t need to fight and argue about it. We can share our thoughts and hearts respectfully and listen to what our husbands believe and pray for God to give our husbands and us His wisdom.

              7. 🙂
                Well, I am not sure that I meant to portray that “I would not follow my husband in any sin.” That might sound a little self- righteous, and since I sin on my own daily, I am not sure that I can guarantee that I would not sin because of any one else! 🙂

                What I was hoping to communicate, was that I know that we “should not” since because any one wants us to…even our husbands. I think in doing so, we would be making honoring our husbands become an idol to us! And before we know it, we want to please our husbands more than we want to please God, when the aim to honor our husbands in the first place, should have been as a result of the desire to please God.

                I am aware that there are different convictions as to what is sinful. Some people think it is sinful for women to wear pants, some people think it is sinful for women to work outside the home, some people think it is sinful to eat pork etc.However, my focus was not so much on whether “what” we interpret as sin is correctly interpreted…as even outside of a husband and wife situation, we need to ensure that our thoughts on wrong/right align with the word.

                My focus is on the fact that sometimes it is portrayed that, if husbands ask us to sin, it is “ok” if it is not a “huge” sin, because we are doing it to honor our husbands.

                We cannot say “Sin is sin” only when we are speaking outside of the context of a woman honoring her husband; but then categorize sin when we are speaking of sin in the context of honoring husbands. I do not favor statements which imply that when it comes on to honoring a husband, we should judge the “level” of the sin. So in my opinion – and that’s all it is, an opinion – I can’t see how it is appropriate to say, we should honor our husbands unless he asks us to commit “blatant” sin. That kind of approach suggests to me, that even if his desire is a sin, as long as it is not a “major” sin (again based on what “we” assess to be a “major” sin), then we should honor it – and I think this approach can border on making honoring God’s will become secondary to honoring our husbands.

                So that was what I was trying to say 🙂

              8. Prayinglikehannah,

                I definitely understand what you are saying! But I wanted to clarify that for other readers in case there might be any confusion.

                And, to add potentially more confusion, Sarah did submit to Abraham when he asked her to lie when they went to Egypt and say she was his sister. She was his half sister, but he wanted her to hide that she was his wife. Interestingly, she was commended for her submission to Abraham in I Peter 3. And God Himself protected her and caused disease to break out in Pharaoh’s palace because of her.

                Of course, there are also examples of wives who were commended for not submitting to sptheir husband’s sinful requests, like Abigail. And there was a wife in the New Testament who went along with her husband’s plan to lie to the Holy Spirit and the church, and she was out to death by God, just like her husband.

                This will require us to be greatly sensitive to God’s Spirit and His leadership and wisdom in each circumstance, I believe.

                Thanks so much for the discussion!!

              9. April — I knew you were going to mention the half sister example with Sarah! 🙂 I knew it 🙂 But again, that is based on the assessment of whether or not the intent is sinful. For example, I am lying to a family member right now because I have a wonderful surprise coming up for her and I don’t want her to have any ideas of it. Some might say it is still a sin… others might say, it is ok because my intent is to make her happy when she is surprised with a gift she wants to receive so badly.

                So maybe lying to remain safe, to some is not seen as sinful. BUT again — that is not my main focus. I am speaking of specific situations when we are told that unless our husbands ask us to commit “major,” “huge,” or “blatant,” sin we should honor him. In those cases, the reference suggests that it is not whether or not the request is to commit sin, but it is the “severity” of the sin. And I just believe that that kind of approach lends itself to idolizing honoring the husband…which is no less worse than other cases in which we create idols.

                Thanks for talking through this with me April.. I’m learning as I am talking 🙂

              10. PrayinglikeHannah,

                Well, Sarah is held up as the best example of submission to a husband by God in the passage in I Peter 3. So, it is hard for me to ignore her example. 🙂 I don’t know that I can judge when exactly a wife should submit and when exactly she shouldn’t – we will all stand accountable to God for that. So, all I can do is pray for God to help each of us to hear His voice very clearly and that He might empower us to be faithful to Him in each circumstance.

                When I talk about a wife submitting unless it is “clear” or “blatant” sin – I am hoping to help women recognize the difference between differences in convictions and things that we may label as sin that God does not vs things that God calls sin. And, I do think there can be times God may prompt a wife to submit to her husband when he is sinning – but I don’t personally have the wisdom to discern all of that. I feel pretty clear about some things being things we are never to submit to our husbands about – murder, abortion, idolatry, apostasy, immorality… But there are many areas where I don’t have enough wisdom or discernment to make any blanket statements.

                I absolutely don’t want to encourage wives to idolize their husbands. That is sin, too!

                This is how we all learn, by hashing through these things together!

              11. Should this precious lady respectfully appeal to her husband with her thoughts about the name, and should he be unwilling to change his mind, AND should she submit joyfully (though painfully) to him in his decision, I believe the name she was so against could become the most beautiful name to her.

                The reason I say this is that every time that name is spoken or thought of, it will be a glorious reminder to her that she fully trusted God’s Word and was obedient to the LORD through her submission to her husband. She could rest assured that the Lord is smiling down on her with approval, because she has shown Him that she values obedience to her Lord MORE than even the strongest desires of her heart.

                It would require a decision to choose to focus on the positives, rather than lament the negatives, but I do believe that even in the “worst case scenario” of having to name the baby this name, very good things could result because of it.

                I will be praying for the Lord’s perfect will to be done in this situation, and for this sister to walk in His strength and wisdom.


              12. Dear sisters in Chist, thank you to have taken so much time to consider my situation. I think April’ s initial councel, to approach my husband calmly and respectfully, and not perhaps say very much, just voice my preference and wait for his reaction is a very wise one. I have to say, I am not yet anywhere near embracing the name of Abdulmajeed… I do not come from an Arabic background and we live in Switzerland, where this name would cause a lot of racial/ cultural problems for our boy growing up…… But this is something I cannot argue with, with my husband, because he despises how prejudice this world is and thinks we should not succumb to these pressures. With our first born, he did not want us to find out the sex if the baby until birth and I had to ( begrudgingly, because I was left with no choice) agree that if it is a girl, it will be Fatima, if a boy Abdulmajeed. It turned out to be a girl and I did my uttmost to embrace the name and never complained to him once, though it would never have been a name I would have chosen. Still, at least it’s an international enough, easy and short name. This time, we know it’s a boy and the name is giving me sleepless nights. I feel I submitted first time,and that this time around I would like my husband to be a bit more prepared for a compromise. Sorry if I am just going round in circles, but it’s not like I have a dispute between the name Adam or David….. The name in question is quite different….. Anyway, I think I have said enough, have sought your advice and am praying to our dear Father about it daily. Now I just have to wait for an opportune moment to approach the subject with my husband, not be fearful and not say too much or get too emotional, and not to pull out 100 arguments, why that name is so difficult. Like April advised, I will keep it short, maybe just that one sentence and wait on The Lord to do the rest….

                Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for carrying me in your prayers. I will post an update, once my husband and I had discussed it. It means a lot to me just knowing, I am not facing this alone but have support in prayer! May God’s sovereign will be done over and above my desires, for He knows what is best for me, our baby and our marriage.

              13. Manuska,

                It is an honor to pray over this issue with you! May God richly bless your faith and walk with Christ, your marriage and your family. 🙂 thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I am sure many wives can relate to your struggle.

              14. Oh Manuska – you are in Switzerland?? Nice 🙂

                I understand your heart so much because you sound so much like me talking! (not sure that is a good thing though 🙂 )

                But I am glad that you are seeking Christ in all this and I trust that you and hubby will find peace in God’s response to this situation. Congrats on the upcoming baby boy!!

              15. Hhhmm….
                The following is a very powerful phrase:
                “I do think there can be times God may prompt a wife to submit to her husband when he is sinning.”
                Hhmmmm – That statement could very well be addressed in a 3 part post.

                Thanks for your feedback and have a nice weekend April 🙂

              16. Prayinglikehannah,

                Yikes! Yes, I have seen situations like that. And I see how God protected Sarah in that awful situation with Abraham. But I don’t believe I am remotely qualified to try to address this particular topic. It is something that I think a wife would have to clearly hear from God’s Spirit in a given situation. I know I don’t begin to have enough wisdom to set up parameters on something like that! There are some topics that go way beyond the scope of my understanding. But, maybe I should mention it.

                Enjoyed the conversation! Have a great weekend, too!

  17. April, indeed… HisHelper’s words display eloquence. It’s so good for women like me, who are not yet as we learned to hear words of wisdom from strong wives.
    Thankfully, God knows our hearts and I appreciate the opportunity to be genuine here.

  18. Dear April, and other sisters that are travelling this journey with me. I thought I would give an update, now that my husband and I managed to discuss the name of our baby boy. It is almost two weeks ago now, but I wanted to take the time to absorb it all and spend time with God before posting this, rather than writing it immenently after our chat.

    My husband and I went for a walk a few weeks back, and that is when it felt the appropriate time to bring up the issue of the name. April, I followed your advise to calmly, lovingly and respectfully express, in no more than a sentence my wishes. I said: ” darling, now that we know we are having a boy, it would mean so much to me if we could have the name Abdulmajeed as the middle name, to honour your fatter, and if we can please look together for a first name. Praise The Lord my husband did not get angry, on the contrary, he was loving and calm, but he said, he had also given it much thought but sadly he cannot fulfil my desire and he insists on having Abdulmajeed as the first name. I then thanked him for listening to my desire. He was eager to explain his reasons (which I already knew about), why he wants that name, and I just said that I did not want an argument but merely wanted to express my wishes. I then listened to his reasons, quietly, not arguing back about anything. Everything in me wanted to scream and shout and get angry, but by His grace I contained it all. I was able to briefly have a time on my own later tagged evening, when I was able to cry, as I know if I cried in front of my husband, that would have made him angry. When we returned home from our walk, I carried on as normal….made us dinner, looked after our baby daughter and tried not to let on my hurt and disappointment. My husband put his arms around me and implied he is sorry he is unable to meet my wishes. His tenderness was touching but frustrating at the same time, because I think he is able to meet my wishes, if only he was willing to compromise. That evening, I had some very ungodly thoughts (mainly resentment) fill my head, which I had to take time to repent over. Now two weeks on, I have never raised the issue since and am finding some temporary peace trusting hod will work this out for us. I am just laying it at the cross daily, hoping my husband may still soften. I am also asking God to do his work in refining me, but the way things are at the moment I cannot imagine holding my baby son in my arms and calling him Abdulmajeed….. I am wondering, is God really asking me to submit even on this? I have changed so many things in my life for my husband, moved countries, gave up my career to be a full time mum and homemaker, adjusted my friendships, changed my dress code to a more modest one, gave up my family, which were destructive to our union, …. and the list goes on. And though often rebellious at times, I can see how these were really good things for my godliness. But not having a say in the way I will call our baby boy, is just too much of a challenge.

    Thank you for your prayers and for listening.


    1. Manuska, This is such an incredible testimony to the power God gave you in remaining respectful and calm while letting your husband know your feelings about the name of your baby! I know from your prior posts how very heart wrenching this is for you, so the self-control that you displayed, even two weeks later is such a praise!!!

      There is a phrase I heard a number of years ago that came to mind when I read your update: “Don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” I know in the middle of the battle in your heart it is easy to begin to question whether God really expects you to submit in even the naming of your baby. I just want to encourage you to remember the conviction you felt which spurred you on to choose respect toward your husband, and the willingness to follow his decision on this. The intensity of conviction may not feel so strong now, but the conviction itself was true. Right and wrong has not changed. So, go forward in faith doing just what you said: laying it down at the cross. It may not change your husband’s mind, but the tenderness he showed you is such a contrast to what could have happened if you had given in to your natural, fleshly urges and demanded your way, or spoke harshly and emotionally with him. So, that in itself is a REAL victory to praise God for!

      Just as a side note, some people name their children a long name, and then naturally shorten the name as a nickname or petname. Maybe even just when you are talking sweetly to him, as your special name for him, could you call him Abdul? (I’m not even envisioning using the shortened name except occasionally, not officially.) That was just a thought. However, I would absolutely advise against doing this if your heart in any way would be doing it out of rebellion to your husband. I was just thinking more along the lines of a mama’s loving way of addressing her baby as she is caring for him.

      -His Helper

    2. Manuska
      In my country Ab is a normal though somewhat traditional name. I believe it comes from absalom but nobody uses that its just Ab. I have no idea how this is in your setting now and if shortening is considered normal, just thought about a guy a coworker who was called Ab and nobody thought twice about that, its a normal dutch name.
      Nowadays folks can give two or three names and after being introduced in the birthannoucement it reads and we call him andy or whatever. Where the calling name is something totally different and the birthnames honor familynames.
      Just a thought, bless you and hope it works out one way or the other. For now a blessed time waiting and growing towards the birth of your son.

    3. Manuska,

      I just wanted to tell you that I am so proud of you! We all know how difficult it is to fight against our fleshly desires and to do what is right and obedient. You are a shining example, and even if God does not bless you in the way you would like regarding your son’s name, be assured that He will bless you abundantly and has already begun, as evidenced by your husband’s tenderness towards you.

      The name will have such minimal impact on your son compared to the impact of a peaceful, calm, loving, God-honoring family environment. Your marriage, your union with your husband, is so important. So excited for you!

  19. Dear sisters,
    Thank you so much for love, care and kind words. Dear M, I certainly do not deserve any praise, because whilst I am managing to lay the issue down at the cross, deep down I am comforting myself thinking I still have three months before the baby is due and therefore enough time for my husband to change his mind…. Though I know, Christ should be my all, and nothing else should matter, and if I can bring God honour in our marriage by listening to my husbands desire, I am failing miserably to do so with a joyful heart. If I sumit, it will be with resentment. I just totally dislike that name and it is also a difficult, long name in the concept of the country we live in – Switzeland….I also think, even people in church will wonder, why we chose such a name. I know even our Christian friends were shocked we named our baby daughter Fatima. I always wanted a nice biblical name…. Also, an abbreviation of the name, doesn’t seem to be an option with my husband.

    I feel bad to go on about an issue of such insignificance, compared to some of the posts dear sisters share here with real marital problems, but somehow, this has become such a huge thing for me, such a test of my faith. And yes, though I know God works all things for the good of those that love Him, and this very difficult name may be the best thing for me, I just cannot see it.

    I don’t really know how to conclude apart from asking for continued parter for both my husband and I and may His sovereign will be done.

    Thank you all


    1. I love your honesty and since I would feel the same way that you do, I can totally relate!! God himself knows that you are just flesh and blood and I certainly do not think you should beat yourself up for desiring a name for your child that you both like.Submitting to God does not mean that you are wrong to dislike a name. The important thing is that it is evident that you are trying your best to do what is right in God’s sight…. I trust that God’s grace will cover this situation for you and your hubby.

      Sure, other people have what might be considered as “bigger” problems, but this is a “big” problem to you and that is ok too. For some this might not be huge…but we are all different. I thank God for the wonderful Godly wives on this site who could handle this issue, but I know this would be a MAJOR issue for me as well. I would REALLY need to hear from God himself.

      The important thing is that, your issue is not beyond God’s control. So, continue to seek wisdom from Him.

      1. prayinglikehannah,
        That was beautiful!!! Thank you for encouraging our sister!!!!!!


        I know this is a BIG test for you. I definitely don’t want to see you carry resentment in your heart. That is such toxic stuff. It can destroy a marriage. I am glad that you articulated what you want and what you don’t want and that you know you don’t like that name. I hope that you won’t allow what other people think, friends, etc… to be a big factor in this issue. Because trying to please other people is a snare. I have absolutely been there and done that, myself!

        I am actually really excited to see how God will use this to further the sanctification process in your heart and to build your marriage and even to bless your precious baby. I hope that you might be able to lay this issue down and trust God fully with it – and we will pray together for His miracles and blessings to come from this painful situation – that God might be greatly glorified in your life and in your family.

        This is the kind of thing that you cannot see the good in going into it. It will only be in hindsight, maybe years from now, that you will see that God’s hand was at work and that He had your good and your son’s good in mind.

        If you haven’t, you may want to check out:

        The Snare of People Pleasing

        And, you may want to search “bitterness” on my home site.

        The fact that your husband has strong feelings about this name is not a sin.

        The fact that you don’t like this name is not a sin.

        However, if you allow yourself to savor bitterness and to cherish resentment, that IS sin. And it is extremely destructive. Just a little root of bitterness grows into an evil tree that can suck the life out of your soul and overrun your entire life in time if you nourish it and care for the bitterness.

        Bitterness is one of the most difficult sins for many of us as women to find victory over – in my view. So many women LOVE their bitterness and don’t want to let go of it.

        Praying for God to give you wisdom and clarity and for you to purge yourself of the resentment and bitterness, laying this issue completely before God in total trust.

        Much love!

        1. “The fact that your husband has strong feelings about this name is not a sin.
          The fact that you don’t like this name is not a sin.”

          True April….

          and while none of these is a sin… the way that each of you go about that “desire” can be sinful. Thankfully Manuska, you are trying to be Godly about this…..and that is to be commended. It would be very very hard for me to see what good it would be to give my child a name I consider ugly….in fact, only God himself could get me to do that (and that’s not a bad thing as he is the one we need to listen to anyway). So God bless you for at least being wiling to compromise to be a middle name. This is clearly very hard for you, and it is good to focus on some of what you are doing right as well.. It shows that you are really trying to honor your husband, who is not really focusing on compromising right now. Good for you.

          I don’t think Manuska is trying to “please people.” She herself HATES the name…and I think she would, even if others were ok with it. However, she is pointing out that the name is not typical for her culture, and that it is not a name that others like either. And while “people pleasing” can be a problem, I certainly understand that just like we accept compliments, we are also affected by people hating some things…and it is certainly understandable that her dislike for the name is not going to be helped by the fact that others hate it.

          I am so hopeful that whatever the outcome of this is, that Manuska will be at peace…. as I said, thank goodness this is not bigger than God, and ultimately, Manuska, he is the one you have to listen to… we all have our thoughts, suggestions etc; but the more time you spend with him about this, the more you will hear what He has to say to you. God can tell you exactly how to respond/decide/act and who knows, this might be a learning experience for your husband as well!


    1. Thank you sisters for really feeling me and the situation.

      Prayinglikehannah, you seem to really understand… Whilst I may be a people pleaser in other cases, with the name it is simply a matter of me strongly disliking it, and yes,the fact people will judge me to name my boy that way, on top of everything, just exassurbates the matter.

      I give thanks to The Lord for every day when I am able to love my husband, despite me believing, him being unable to compromise is harsh on me. I know I could no do it without Jesus and His love for me. I also hive thanks fir April, who has taught me such good discipline through this website on how to control my tounge and to win my husband over with a gentle nature, rather than arguments.

      From the bottom of my heart, thank you sisters.

      Love in Him,


      1. Manuska,

        One of the things I admire about your husband is that he makes decisions without being swayed by what others may think. That is actually a sign of a strong leader. 🙂

        But – I can absolutely understand that this would be a very difficult thing for you. And I definitely do understand you not wanting your child to be judged. We tried hard to pick names for our children that wouldn’t be easy for other children to pick on or make fun of – of course, children can be cruel and sometimes it doesn’t matter what we name our children, other kids will find a way to pick on their name, anyway.

        I love you, my sister! And I am so excited for your sweet baby boy coming soon. I am praying for a healthy baby, mama and marriage.

        Thank you so much for sharing your struggle and pain with us so we can pray with you!

        Sending you a huge hug!

        Much love,

        1. Hhmmm.. A good leader is also very thoughtful and considerate of how his decisions affect others. Especially when the “others” refers to his wife. Dictators are not good leaders either. So while we focus on what wives should do here, and not husbands…I am praying for him to yield to God as well…just as I am praying for you Manuska to find peace in God’s directives to you. I know you only have control over yourself, so I trust that, that will be your focus.

          April, you are is so exciting about her having a new baby soon! 🙂 I hope you get to focus on that joy Manuska, despite the name issue.

          1. Prayinglikehannah,

            Yes, husbands have even more responsibility And accountability before God. We can absolutely pray for Manuska’s husband to act in God’s love and wisdom and for God to direct his heart.

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