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Do We Try to Control Our Husbands’ Jobs?

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Nikka and Dong

 

 

1. FROM AN ANONYMOUS WIFE who had been very upset her husband had been working six 12 hour days a week (at a very labor-intensive job) for over two months and wanted more time with him:

The craziest thing just happened!! My husband just walk in and said he quit his job. He has never ever in his life quit a job or anything else for that matter. He is the hardest working man I know. And he is as happy as he can be. I know this sounds bad but I really don’t think it is. He will now have time to complete his legal things from his injury and take a career job. He couldn’t do that until after March 21st which is why he took this job temporarily. The old me would have freaked out big time! And even if I agreed, I would have asked him a million questions until he was mad. But I just told him that I supported his decision. I am trusting that God has another plan.

Here is the part that I didn’t say about the job. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it… But I am the one who picked out this job.

He told me not to look for jobs for him and to let him handle it but I didn’t stop and then I found this one and badgered him to call about.

He didn’t want to at first but finally he did probably to shut me up and he was hired immediately. ….sigh…. We see how good that worked out when I took control….

———–

I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare. Ecclesiastes 8:26

2. FROM NIKKA (pictured above): www.peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com

I was an extremely controlling girlfriend/wife before the Lord convicted me of my sins. As a married woman, between 2009 to 2011, my most controlling phase; I was the family’s primary provider and leader.

Dong acquiesced to my headship because he felt that it was what I wanted, and him being a big Golden Rule believer, he allowed me to lead because he felt that it was what would make me happy.

During this time, Dong was in and out of jobs. He worked for the Business Process Outsourcing industry, or what the Philippines normally calls the “Call Center” industry. He was a voice/non-voice agent and then a quality analyst later on. He worked the night shift and would come home in the morning spent and stressed from answering phone calls and appeasing irate clients. He hated his job but he felt that he had to do it since there was no option at that time for another job.

He has always been a businessman at heart. Even as a young adult, he would venture into small businesses – a VHS rental shop, a computer ink refilling shop, making of calling cards, etc. He loved selling things. But, he felt that my idea of a provider was to be an employee… and so he worked as one for me.

When he quit from his job due to extreme stress (He was already becoming depressed, having insomnia, and hyperacidity daily.), I got mad. But I did not show it. I felt that it was so irresponsible of him to quit just like that! I did not care if he was sick, I still felt that it was a selfish decision. (See how prideful and judgmental I was then?

Whenever he was out of a job, I would be there to “rescue” him. I would look for job openings and shove it to his face. When he lost his job at the call center, I looked for job openings for him immediately. This was not the only time I forced him to apply for a job though. I had a history of prodding him to apply for jobs, short of going to the job interview myself! I thought I was being encouraging. I did not know then that I was being controlling and disrespectful.

1)     As a computer programmer. 2002. We were not even married yet at this time. I saw this ad on the papers. I felt that since he was adept at computers, (He was a gamer and he was really good with fixing our PC, etc.) he should give it a shot. In it, the ad read that “KNOWLEDGE OF Auto Cad A+”, I think it was. I read it to mean that it was a plus to know that particular program, but it was not necessary.

He went to the job interview. They asked him to go straight to the computer. They asked that he draw using his knowledge on Auto Cad A+ on that computer!!! The A+ did not mean knowledge of it was a plus, it was really a specific skill!!! A+!!! Yikes! Dong just stared at the monitor, fiddled with the mouse and drew a pathetic figure. He had no knowledge of that computer program!!! The interviewees even had to ask, “Are you okay? Do you know what you are doing?” To which he said,

“I am sorry. I have no idea what it is you are asking me to do. My wife just sent me to this job interview.”

 

2 ) As a sports announcer. 2005. My husband was once a basketball TV host. He was such for around two years. He felt that he was not good at it, sometimes flubbing his lines, but I saw an ad for a basketball halftime announcer, and I prodded him to apply for it!!! He did. For me.

When he went to the venue, he was embarrassed. People there were 10 years his junior! People who were in line with him in that job interview recognized him and even asked what he was doing there. They were looking for a certain type within a certain age, and he was overaged for the job. He went home humiliated, his self-esteem deflated.

 

3)     As a sports reporter. 2011. I knew that there was an opening in a big TV network, being from the broadcasting industry myself. So, I made the calls, did the rounds, and informed Dong that so-and-so was already waiting for his resume. He just had to turn it in. This, before I even asked if he wanted to apply for such a job!

I felt that he would enjoy it and be good at it. I felt that he was qualified for it. He applied, and he was hired immediately. I knew it! I was on the dot on that one. He was fit for the job! Yay! Pat on the back for me. He did it again for me.. See a pattern here?

He went at it for three months. Three months of 12 to 14 hours workload, going out of town for coverages, only going home to sleep and then off again to work. He looked miserable but I kept on egging him on. “You can do it!”; “Just focus!”, I would cheer.

Then one night, he texted me from work. The text: “We have to talk.” I knew it. He would quit…again.

I was not prepared for the emotional outburst he did as soon as he went home. He was nearly screaming, which was very unlike him because my husband is mild-mannered and even-tempered. He became very emotional as he was telling me about his hurts:

  • that I did not love him
  • that I never accepted him for what he was
  • that he could never make me happy
  • that he was a loser
  • that maybe we should just separate and have me find somebody who was equal to me in terms of success….

That was the beginning of the change in me.

Seeing my husband in that state of brokenness, I told the Lord to help me view the situation differently and to make the most of it, since it seemed that I could not change Dong. I could not understand him! But, I did love him. So, I would try to be patient with him. That was in late 2011. That was enough for the Lord to implant a seed in my heart…

The Lord convicted me of my sins of disrespect, pride and everything else in September 1, 2013.

That was when I let go and let God; when I submitted fully the Lord and then to my husband. And the rest, as they say, is history…

 

You can read about all the wonderful, miraculous things that have happened and that are happening to my marriage in April’s blog or in my own Peacefulwife Philippines blog.

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I would love to see us support, affirm, encourage and show confidence in our men as they search for jobs. And I would also exhort us all to allow our husbands freedom to choose their own jobs for themselves. The motivation to go to a job is strongest if the person who has to do the job has that motivation in himself, not if he feels coerced into a job he hates.

Some men may appreciate their wives helping them look up jobs online. That is fine – if your husband asks you for help, you can help him. But my suggestion is not to pressure or try to force him into something.

  • Many men tend to derive a great amount of their identity from their jobs.

If your husband is unemployed and trying to find work, or he is disabled – that is a VERY, VERY difficult thing for most men to deal with. It can be, according to some counselors, “more difficult for a man to face unemployment than terminal cancer.”  I know I did not fully appreciate this during the first 6 years of our marriage when Greg was looking for an engineering job. That was very hard on him and I had no idea how to bless him or approach this issue back then. I am sure that what I did pushed him further into depression at that time. 🙁

As we show genuine faith in our husbands – often – that is the most powerful thing we can do – give them inspiration not condemnation. There may be times we find out about a job they may be interested in. I think it may be a good idea to share leads we know of – but then we can allow them to make the decision.

**  If there are major issues in your marriage – please seek godly, wise, biblical counsel!

———————————

Gentlemen,

We would love to hear your insights on this important issue!

Ladies,

Do any of you have stories that relate to this? What have you learned? What has your husband said?

RELATED:

From Clark Kent to Superman 

What Speaks Respect to Husbands?

Husbands Share What Is Disrespectful to Them

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected in Your Marriage

Nikka’s 1st Interview with Her Husband – after beginning her journey of respect and biblical submission and seeking to be a godly wife

Nikka’s 2nd Interview with Her Husband

Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband

 

146 thoughts on “Do We Try to Control Our Husbands’ Jobs?

  1. I have been in the midst of a trial with my husband’s job situation for probably 8 years now. He would often ask me what he should do… I just don’t feel like I can answer this. I’ve told him that I will support him whatever he decides to do but I don’t want the responsibility of telling him he should quit, retire early, move, etc. I just don’t think that should be my decision. Over the past 7 months things have intensified. He is honestly barely keeping one foot in front of the other. He left this morning at 5:30 so defeated. Scripture feels hollow because it doesn’t feel to him like God has a plan for him. He has me pray out loud for him every morning and my prayers feel hollow because nothing ever changes. He feels trapped. I’m trying to trust, but I am so incredibly tired.

    1. Elizabeth,

      I believe he is very, very depressed and stressed from what you have described. 🙁 I wonder if he would be willing to seek godly counsel?

      Can you say something like, “It breaks my heart to see what this job is doing to you. Is there something else you would be interested in doing?”

    2. It seems that your husband is forcing his way out the door every day. He must feel so trapped right now, Elizabeth. 🙁

      If he does ask for your “advice”, you should share your heart with him.

      Reading about my old bossy self, it is so humiliating! 🙁 I pray whoever read this and could relate to my old self, would STOP the disrespectful behavior right about now, before it’s too late.

      It is good, Elizabeth, that your husband is seeking your help on this. It shows he trusts your good judgment.

      I pray that he finds comfort in our good Lord and may the Spirit guide his steps.

      Love,

      Nikka

  2. Thank you for today’s post, and for all of your posts; they are always very good. I don’t always make comments, but I read your posts. Please keep up the good work. Blessings, Pastor, Equipping The Saints.

  3. Yes Kelly. Dong loved me so much, he was willing to be “bossed around”. But then again, allowing that kind of behavior from me, brought out the worst in both of us — me, disrespect and resentment towards him; him — resentment towards me and despair about the situation. It was a LOSE-LOSE situation. 🙁

    God’s Plan for husbands to lead their wives and for wives to submit to their husbands is THE BEST Design there is.

    Yesterday, while we were in the car, my husband divulged to me, that his idea of a “perfect’ wife was a ‘submissive’ wife, even before we both learned that it was biblical. I asked him why, and he said, “I don’t know. It just is how I view what a “perfect” marriage should be.”

    I guess, in the heart of hearts of men all over the world, it is the ideal. It’s just how men were wired by God. They want to lead and protect their women.

  4. Wow. Thank you so much for this post. I have done this in the past and even recently about two months ago. I know my husband is unhappy at his job and is bringing him a lot of stress so thats why I had looked for jobs for him. I just told him about it and left it up to him. Now I know it has to be completely up to him to search for a job. Thanks again. More and more with these blogs I have seen what I have been doing is wrong. Slowly I am changing. It has been painful at times but I trust God that it will be worth it and done on his time. Not mine.

    1. Katherine G.,
      There are husbands who may appreciate or ask for their wives to help them search. That is totally fine. If he asks for your help, or asks you to look up jobs, great! But if he is not asking for help, that is where things can start to quickly move from “help” to control.

      Praying for wisdom for you! 🙂 And praying for God to give your husband wisdom about his job situation for His glory and to bless your husband and family. 🙂

  5. As soon as I seen the title of this blog today I knew it would be one is needed to hear! In fact, I wouldn’t have been suprised to see my name at the the beginning of the title! My husband’s employment has always been a source of contention in my marriage & even in our relationship before we married. Before we were ever married my husband worked in a mill making decent money for where we live & after we got engaged right before we were to go to my high school prom ( yes I was only a very young 16 year old engaged woman) he quit his job. Needless to say this sent me into a tailspin as I belittled him & told him how irresponsible he was & how undependable he always is…man I was so mean!

    He assured me that things would be ok; he would get another job soon…my reply to this…”you better or there won’t be any marriage!” Ugh I disgust myself as I recall how I treated my Prince Charming! He was; always has been so good to me; I have been so full of self righteousness, pride and control to see all the ways he needed me to support & encourage him…he actually ended up going back to the job he hated in an effort to appease me…I of course was still not happy because even though the job was semi-secure i felt like he wasn’t making enough money…because as my career excelled; I was making a lot more money than him I wasn’t content with his income because he wasn’t keeping up with me…he ended up working at this mill very unhappy for the next seven years…

    When my life got so busy working; dealing with my drug addicted sister and her kids that I wasn’t able to spend time dwelling on his job, he was actually approached by a member of our church who needed someone to manage his convenience store. My husband negotiated his own salary and hours with this job and absolutely loved it…to this day he says that is the best job he ever had and would still be there if the owners hadn’t had to shut it down. At that job he was well respected and depended upon, the people in our community loved going in there and chatting wih him. My husband is very easy to talk to and very friendly. Plus we live in a small town so almost everyone knew him or his family.

    After that store shut down he drew unemployment for a while, I rode him daily about finding a job. He found a retail job and has been there for 5 years now but he doesn’t make as much money as I in my flesh think he should. I have been known on several occasions to let him know how I feel…however in November of 2013 God really started dealing with me about how controlling I am and through a friend I believe I heard the audible voice of God tell me to take a part time position at work. I had been under heavy conviction about my role as a wife and mother. God showed me that because I was working so much that my kids were not being raised the way He had entrusted my husband and I to raise them. We weren’t teaching them how to be wives and mothers and what kind of husband to look for because we weren’t teaching by example. We were not being the wife and husband or mother and father He desired us to be.

    So after many arguments with my husband about doing more so I could do less and be home more with our kids…God showed me that my husband was not in a position to hear His voice because I was so loud. He needed me to move out of the way so He could reach my husband. He revealed to me that I was depending on my husband for security, not Him. I had to put my total faith and trust in Christ not my husband.

    I took a total leap of faith when I decided to go part time at work but God is good and He has provided for us! My husband is still in his retail job actually he took on a second retail job part time to help provide for us, he still doesn’t make near what I was making as a full time employee but that’s ok. He feels confident in these positions at this time and I can’t complain because my God has promised that He will provide for us and I completely trust that He will as I submit to God as my ultimate authority and then my husband. I know that God will provide for us. I just don’t dare concern myself with how that provision will come. God in His perfect timing will give me the desires of my heart as I seek first the kingdom of Heaven. My prayers are no longer about my husband’s job or how he provides for us but rather how can I bless him and bring God glory as a wife and mother. I know that He who began a good work in me will complete it. I desire to be a biblically submissive, respectful wife and one day I will feel confident referring to myself that way, however today I realize I am a work in progress…thank you for this post as it helped me reflect on how my need to control my husband’s jobs hasn’t helped him or pleased God.

    1. Beth,
      WOW! Thank you so much for sharing this!!! What a testimony. I wonder if you might consider allowing me to anonymously share any of your story as a post, please? 🙂 I love it!

  6. One of the hardest things about this respect journey has been standing by and being supportive while my husband makes career decisions. I will share any insights I may have, but he has been making the final choices. (He doesn’t always like that, btw). The reality is, though, by giving over the leadership, our husbands will sometimes make mistakes, or decisions that turn out not so great. His last decision has landed him way overcommitted and bitter toward his FT job. It has taken time and attention away from me and the family, and has affected his mood. He says he is short-changing all his duties, and I can see he is not serving his employers well. Not to mention I’m due to have a baby very soon. It’s like the next level of a test for me: can I still be gracious, respectful, supportive and loving even when I’m being affected by the learning curve of new leadership? I’m finding that I can do it. In fact, I’m convinced he’s learning more by trial and error like this than my words could ever influence. And so am I. God is my strength and my song and my portion forever. I’m going to be fine, I know it.

    1. H31,
      I hope you might also allow me to share this comment in a follow up post. 🙂 Yes, our husbands will make mistakes at times, or their decisions may not turn out the way they hoped or we hoped. That is a test – will we continue to honor them, sharing our concerns respectfully and humbly (and probably once, or infrequently as we listen to the prompting of God’s Spirit)? Will we allow them to make mistakes and learn from them and continue supporting their leadership? That is how most leaders learn. They make mistakes and then learn from them themselves without needing an “I told you so” lecture. The way we respond at these times may be the difference between our husbands learning to be more godly leaders and men and them becoming paralyzed and shut down.

      There is a GLORIOUS story about a wife who supported her husband when things weren’t going well that I have to share from Dr. Eggerich’s book, “Love and Respect”!

      Dr. E.V Hill a dynamic minister who served as senior pastor of Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles, lost his wife, Jane, to cancer a few years ago. At her funeral, Dr Hill described some of the ways she had made him a better man. As a struggling young preacher, E.V. had trouble earning a living. E.V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two. He thought that was a great idea and went in to the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry. “You work so hard, and we’re trying.” said Jane, “but it’s pretty rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the light bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so i thought we would just eat by candlelight.”

      Dr Hill described his wife’s words with intense emotion. “she could have said, I’ve never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.” She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, “Somehow or other we’ll get these lights back on. But tonight let’s eat by candlelight.”

  7. At a certain point in my marriage, I cried out to God for help, and He spoke one word to me. “Help Meet.”

    I immediately went to the computer and Googled this. Several books came up, so I prayed as to which one the Lord wanted me to read. I felt led to buy the book, “Created to be His Help Meet,” by Debi Pearl. What I read in this book truly opened my eyes. I repented and began seeking the Lord for change – in ME.

    One of the chapters really helped me to understand a major point I was missing about men in general. I always thought all men should basically be the same. Debi Pearl taught that God actually made three types of men. Although men are very similar, they are also created to be different. She explains that God made each male to express one side of His triad nature. She said that no single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God, and that if a man were all three types at the same time, he would be the perfect man. But that is not possible because only Jesus Christ was and is truly “perfect.”

    She goes on to explain that most men are a little bit of all three, but tend to be dominant on one. I realized it was time for me to stop trying to make my husband change to become the perfect man! I wanted him to have the freedom and liberty to become the man that God created him to be! I stopped trying to change him. 🙂 I began to see God move in mighty ways as I purposed to allow my husband to be free to be himself rather than keep him in bondage to my image of what I thought he should be. I prayed for wisdom to understand who my man was and the Lord taught me a lot about who He created him to be as I read about these three different types of men.

    I think it is imperative that we as wives understand which of the three God created our husbands to be. We cannot compare our husbands to other men because they may, in fact, be one of the other types of men. We need to learn who they are so we can bless them by encouraging them to just become the best they can be as who God created them to be! Debi says, “Wisdom is knowing what you ‘bought’ when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be.”

    The three different types of men are
    – Mr. Command Man
    – Mr. Visionary
    – Mr. Steady.

    Knowing which of the three my husband is has truly transformed the way we relate because I understand who God created him to be and I can accept and embrace that!! I no longer feel tempted nor do I even desire to see my man be something he can’t possibly be. It really has been life-changing information. I know this book – especially this chapter on the three different types of men – would greatly aid everyone in understanding who their man is (and why!!)

    1. Eliza,
      I still have not read that book! But I really appreciate you sharing this. Greg is definitely “Mr. Steady.” I think it is wonderful to know who are men are and to appreciate their unique personalities, strengths, talents and abilities and to accept them and not try to change them.

      Beautiful!

  8. Work is something most men will struggle with throughout their lives. It’s is part of the curse of our sin. Especially young men, still trying to find out what they are good at in a modern world that often does not value the things a young man brings to the table. It takes trial and error, effort and failure, often he will seem lost and without direction.

    But as a business owner (who faced that exact circumstances before finding success) who interacts with some of the most successful & powerful men in the world…even those at the top are always in some kind of struggle with their work. And that struggle usually always goes about ten times deeper than what we let it show. Because we are not allowed to show that. That is weakness, and it is not acceptable and downright dangerous & negligent in the work environment and often times just as much at home. It makes up such a huge part part of our identity and it’s how we often express a large part of our love and protection for our wives and families.

    I have no answers to negate the struggle your husband will undoubtedly face throughout life, it’s assured, as the curse is assured. But I can tell you, a wife who is thankful for a husband’s protection and provision, who is a safe, warm and soft place to land is a blessing beyond blessing.

    Lastly, I know for most women security is at the top of the list when it comes to things she wants her husband to provide for her- I know it is with my wife. And of course security is very, very closely related to money. Money is a tricky thing in this modern world and we are often deceived in what we think. I can tell you this, as someone who deals with the 1% daily, they are often less secure than the young couple. Everyone is leveraged and in debt beyond belief and put thier trust in things that quite literally will dissappear anyday. But it throws everyone’s perspective off and gives us a false sense of what’s real and how much money we need to be “safe”. There is far more security in a man who is willing to work harder and longer for his family than there is in one whose making more (even a lot more) in the moment. No matter what your husband makes at this moment, even if it doesn’t feel enough, if he is giving it his all and if tomorrow something where to happen and he’d take a job scrubbing toilets to support his family…you are richly blessed indeed. The trick is in keeping it in perspective and in showing it to him.

    1. Thankfulhusband,
      I always love to hear your thoughts on these important topics! Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you might allow me to share your comments in a follow-up post, as well, please? I would be honored.

  9. My husband is quite the intellectual and when he told me he was ‘just an acting junkie’ in college I thought it was an innocent hobby. I was certain he’d go out and get a real job when it was time to raise the family and be happy doing that. I’ve since learned that acting is actually a passion and very therapeutic for him; something he’s been doing since 6 years old. He’s proud of what he brings home with his career job but laments at missed opportunities because of our family or when ‘friends’ tell him he should’ve gone out to California long ago. He’s told me how he’s always wanted to be a romantic lead and I want to support whatever he does, but I’m unsure how I’d stomach watching him interact intimately with another person in order to tell a story. I have no idea how I’d explain this to my kids.

    I’ve never told him what work he needs to do and I’ve never interfered with the job-hunt process. He’s always been a good provider and said he never wanted to drag his family through Hollywood. At some point he seemed so unhappy, however, that I said I’d take care of the kids while he went off to follow his dreams. So far, he has not taken me up on that.

    I’m trying to see his work/dreams as important to him as a pregnancy is to me or even a miscarriage with the loss of them. (It sounds silly but I’ve read to consider it that way somewhere).

    This will be a work in progress to live authentically, embracing all of our gifts while learning to put God first in all things. I wonder too, if we outgrow some of our “needs” once we have a true grasp of our identities in Christ.

    1. Refined,

      I’m glad you want to support him in his dreams of acting. (Although I can absolutely understand your concerns about him being a romantic lead.)

      Yes, a man’s dreams about his career can certainly be compared in importance to a woman’s dreams about her family in many ways as far as the depth of sense of identity is involved, I believe.

      I pray for God’ to direct both of you and for His wisdom, direction, guidance and glory. 🙂

  10. I think I could benefit from reading about helping my Mr. Visionary. Thanks for that book suggestion, Eliza. God bless!

  11. April, I pray you’re feeling better now…..

    This is off topic, but I wanted to thank you for your book recommendation, “For Women Only”, by Shaunti Feldhahn. What a huge blessing!

    The chapter on men and their work left me in tears last night, both tears of gratitude for the hard working husband I was blessed with, and tears of sadness for not understanding how much of the years when he had such long hours was driven out of his love for me and his desire to provide, not only for the present, but for our future.

    This lead us to a lovely conversation where I was able to apologize for how I had missed his mindset, and to say thank you. It opened up the door for him to tell me what was on his heart and to clarify how I had misunderstood him. We had a real sweet time together. Such a nice memory to keep.

    Sending you a warm hug this morning to say thank you for being used to create more emotional intimacy and understanding in my marriage. :^)

      1. I so appreciate you, April. I can’t even say…..I’m in tears even now……More and more as I get older, with 53 years behind me (although I still feel years younger in my heart!), I see how God lovingly weaves together the hard times in our lives into beautiful things. He is soo good! He is so worthy of our trust and praise! It’s incredibly humbling…..
        xx

  12. Eliza & April,

    Years ago, my girlfriend & I read that book together. It changed my life. We bought a case of them and gave them to as many new brides as we could. I still believe that EVERY woman who is remotely interested in serving their man the way they are called to do should read that book!! So much wisdom!

    A word of caution to those who may read it though !! Debi Pearl tells it like it is. She does not tap dance around the truth. I remember feeling as if I had been chewed up and spit back out. .. it was a very painful, gut-wrenching read.

    BUT I did have a lot of work to do . . . it’s a painful process to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back to the truth. Totally worth it, though. Totally. . .I think I could use a re – read!

    1. I was actually thinking I should come back on and add a note of caution about Debi Pearl’s book. I agree with Fallenshort….Debi doesn’t pull any punches. I do believe, however, that her “tell it like it is” approach is what I needed, though. I was SO convicted. I was broken. I never experienced such a “broken and contrite spirit before.” But, that is what I needed for change in my life. Yes, LOTS of wisdom in that book. Seriously consider reading it. I kinda like to weigh books by the fruit they produce in my life. God really used the truth she shares in this book. I really believe God used it in my life and I know He can also use it in the life of any woman who reads it with an open heart. 🙂 Thanks for your comment, Fallenshort. I agree but still recommend this read above any other book I have read.

  13. Yes, please share. And that story you shared from EV Hill is awesome. Think the best of your husband, even in the tough times. As a man (woman) thinketh within his heart, so is he. 🙂

  14. My stomach turns in knots every time someone mentions created to be a help meet.

    April, you advocate womens right to be heard within a marriage. To ask for what we need, voice our opinions, state our true feelings, and (in some cases) confront sin.

    You talk about a beautiful middle ground of submission and personhood.

    I found none of these things in that book. It really does make submission sound lile life as a doormat.

    1. Ms. Jules,
      I have heard such mixed reviews on this book. It seems that some women really respond to the author’s style, which some have described to me as a bit harsh. And it seems that others have had many concerns with the book.

      No matter what human author we are reading – we ALWAYS need to compare whatever any person says to the Word and test the spirits, that is for certain. Thank you for sharing for wives to have caution with this book. 🙂

    2. The thought she was advocating being a “doormat” never came to mind when I read that book. God knows what we all need to hear and her words were right on for me.

    3. Hi Ms Jules!

      I believe that different books appeal to different types of women, the same way that blogs appeal too to different types of readers. April’s blog, even though it will reach 2 M hits soon (Congrats, sweet sister!) cannot be read by her sister and close friend due to its content because they are from the “too submissive” group of women, who will view what she writes as to submit even further, to the point of losing their personalities already.

      Maybe, and I am just surmising here, dear sister, Debbi’s book is not appealing to you because you are coming from a different perspective? To people like me, who can really railroad and trample on my husband’s ego and dignity for simply being too efficient and self-reliant, this type of book would help me to slow down and keep still. 🙂

      Thank you though for your word of caution. We are all created uniquely by God, just as our husbands are. So, in any book, blog, video, etc.. all of us do have to be open to the Spirit’s leanings and leadings, specifically for US. What may work for one, may be detrimental to another and vice versa.

      Peace and love!

      Nikka

  15. God bless you ladies who have realized the damage done by trying to control your husbands’ jobs. And God help the men whose wives haven’t realized it yet — they are having to deal with intense pain and defeat. It would not surprise me at all, though apparently it would surprise their wives, that living with a wife who treats them that way would drive them either to rage or to suicidal thoughts.

    The flip side of the control that pushes men into jobs they don’t want is the control that criticizes men for the consequences of taking the job they do want — salary level, hours, location, etc. Early in my marriage, my first full-time boss in a law-related job questioned whether my wife would tolerate the typically long hours that young attorneys work in order to make partner at most firms. I recognized that he was right, and I deliberately chose to work at smaller firms that didn’t require such a time commitment. However, that choice had a trade-off — lower income. Unfortunately, my wife began to make that lower income an issue, both directly (complaining about it or complaining about what she/we didn’t have) and indirectly (pushing our spending to the limit and beyond). (This wasn’t because she’d grown up wealthy; she’d actually grown up with very little.) Years later, I took a job in another state so that we could be close to my parents, siblings, cousins, etc. I felt that my kids were missing out by not having any extended family around, plus I didn’t want to miss out on my parents’ final years. Though I made plans for the relocation for 18 months in advance — taking the other state’s Bar Exam, a couple interview trips, etc. — and though I made supreme effort to ensure the best possible transition — finding a great house, zeroing in on the best schools, scouring for a good church, etc. — my wife still pitched a fit when I actually lined up a job and decided to move. I found out later she went so far as to consult a lawyer about whether she could refuse to move and still stay married to me. After the move, she proceeded to make life miserable for me, our kids, and my extended family. After 2.5 years, I gave up and moved us back where we came from; it had become clear that she was never going to adapt and be happy, and the move back seemed to be necessary to keep the marriage intact. Ironically, or perhaps predictably, it didn’t work. A little over 2 years later she filed for divorce for the first time; 2 years after that she filed for divorce for the second and final time. Of course, if I’d known what was going to happen, I never would have moved back; if she were going to divorce me, it would have been much easier for me (and my kids) if I’d been living near my family at the time instead of 2200 miles away.

    My long-winded point is: this isn’t small stuff, ladies. Many of you have recognized that, and thank God for that. I pray that April’s and Nikka’s posts above will help other wives recognize the destructive power of their control as well.

    1. Hi David J!

      I have been following your story with your wife from April blog, and I feel sad for the situation you both are in. 🙁 I pray that the Lord convicts her of her sins. I can sense that you still love her, but that she has hardened her heart against you. 🙁 I pray that God work in her life, as He continues to work in yours, so that if it be His Will, you can have healing in your lives. I could only imagine the pain this had caused to your children. You and your family will be in my prayers, as I fast today.

      Your sharing reminds me of a Filipino saying, “sala sa init, sala sa lamig”. In English, roughly translated, it means “damned for being too hot, damned for being too cold”, or “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”.

      We, as godly wives must always be thankful to God. Ungrateful wives who grumble at the slightest mistake of their husbands, does NOT please God. Thanks for reminding us to appreciate what our husbands do for us and to give them grace when they err… because nobody is perfect.

      1. Nikka: I appreciate your prayers. She has definitely hardened her heart against me, which continues to this day in our occasional dealings about custody/visitation, money, and handling events such as graduations. She has remarried (not just unbiblically, but unwisely, I think, so that I foresee more trouble for her), so marital healing isn’t an option. But it would be a blessing for us and for our kids if there could at least be healing as parents. At this point, 2.5 years since the divorce was final and 3.5 years since she filed for divorce the last time, it seems inconceivable (humanly) that we will ever be merely friends.

        Your Filipino saying describes very well the thought that I had many times during the marriage. It was a no-win situation. In fact, complaining about her words, attitude, or actions usually made it worse — she would justify her behavior by reciting The List of my faults and failures, leaving me feeling even worse.

        As thankfulhusband said in his comment here, husbands whose wives appreciate them, support them, and don’t hold mistakes against them are richly blessed. Plus, that blessed husband is then pretty likely to turn around and love his wife better.

        Thank you again.

  16. H31, speaking of Debi Pearl, her husband, Michael Pearl, also did a video called, “Marriage God’s Way.” I highly recommend this video in addition to Debi’s book!! Basically, one of the things he says is that wives need to allow their husbands to really mess up. And if they do, we cannot be there to bail them out. God has to bail them out or they will lose all self respect. We need to be there if this happens to cheer them on, but we can’t step in to fix things. We can trust God’s sovereignty at times like this. God will be faithful!

    1. Thanks for the recommendation, Eliza. Indeed, I was big on bailing out and smoothing over in the past, and guess what? I’ve gotten some real disappointment from my husband when I stopped doing this! (Growing pains, ouch!) But God showed me I was trying to make my husband’s “paths straight”, and that is His job! And God’s version of a straight path is so much higher than mine. It’s more than we can ask or imagine.

  17. I can see how I was controlling in this area, I would ask my husband several times a day if he was going to work overtime. If he made plans with people on the weekend I would get frustrated. I have been so wrong in so many ways. I started this journey several months ago and gave up. I have come back to start over, the only time I truly see my husband light up is when I am trying to be a peaceful and respectful wife.

    1. Hopefuls,
      Welcome back! God’s wisdom is much greater than our own. He certainly understands what husbands and wives need. 🙂 I can’t wait to see what He has in store for you! I pray you will focus primarily on Christ. That is the only way to have the power to do this, my sweet friend. 🙂

  18. April,

    Dr. Hill’s wife’s meek and humble attitude was so beautiful, it made me teary-eyed. Wow, that is a godly woman right there!

    In the past, if THAT happened to me, cut-off electricity, I probably would have sulked and gotten depressed for days and looked at Dong resentfully, but I would not have “nagged”. I am a “silent nagger.” I turned ice-cold with pursed lips. 🙁

    Sigh.

    I praise God He had woken me up and changed me!

    Now, I try to imagine the worst case possible for us, and even in the “worst case scenario”, I have no fear. The Lord is in control. He will see us through. I plan to be beside Dong, holding his hand, come what may.

    1. PeacefulwifePhilippines,

      Isn’t Dr. Hill’s wife such a beautiful example to us all!?!? I praise God for her example and for her husband’s testimony of the power of her respect for him when he spoke at her funeral. That one moment, that one decision not to belittle him or humiliate him inspired him to greatness and was something he never forgot and has inspired thousands of wives around the world.

      Wow.

      That is what I want for each of us – to leave a legacy of godliness and a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear.

      I love what God is doing in you, my sweet sister! It is so beautiful!

      1. Praise God!!! It is wonderful to see the beauty unfold right before our very eyes… and all I needed to do was KEEP STILL AND KNOW THAT HE WAS GOD! (And I am not!!!) Why did it take 37 years for me to see that?!?! 😉

        Together, let us all help each other maintain a spirit of peacefulness, meekness and gentleness… that our own children and other women whom we encounter and whose lives we touch as well, will learn to follow Christ’s teachings. May we never malign God’s Word with our behavior!

        Hugs, dear Peacefulwife. 🙂

        Love,

        Nikka

  19. Hi Eliza!!!

    I would love to have a copy of that book! If it’s a tell it like it is book, that’s for me! 🙂

    In a gist,what are Mr. Command Man, etc?

    I don’t know where Dong fits but I am assuming he will fall under the Mr. Steady type.

    What type did your husband fall under?

    Love,

    NIkka

    1. My husband is Mr. Steady. For years, I thought what I wanted and needed was a Mr. Command Man. Now I realize God gave me the perfect man for me!! As I have said, I have lots of pain issues (very bad spine) and my husband takes such good care of me and he never gets tired or weary of my limitations. Maybe a command man wouldn’t have been able to deal with me and my physical problems….I am sure many Mr. Command Men have acquired these qualities, but I don’t think it’s the norm. It doesn’t seem that God created them to be strong in this area. That’s why I found this teaching on the 3 different types of men so helpful. Because if we understand who God created them to be and the strengths and weaknesses that come with that, we won’t take things so personally, and we can be more patient and understanding with them. I love my man just the way he is now. Now, I praise God He game me Mr. Steady and not Mr. Command Man. I just think we are a perfect fit!!

      1. I have read the book too and overall I believe it basically teaches all the same things as April and The Surrendered Wife do. I wonder if people who see it as a “doormat” book have read the whole thing. She tells a story of a woman who threw a rock through the window at her husband who was viewing porn and then forbid him from having anything to do with a computer again. She advocated this approach. I am not sure I would advocate that approach.

        My husband is a Mr. Command man. As Debbie says they are harder to live with…so true!

        One very big difference I see in the Surrendered book vs. the Created book is that Debbie teaches that women should take care of things themselves, like fixing the toilet if need be. She says not to burden your husband when you can do it yourself. Laura, says for women to take care of themselves and let their husbands take care of everything even leaving it undo until their husbands get around to doing it.

        I have thought a lot about this. Debbie is married to a Command man. I think with a Command man it is best to go ahead and fix the toilet or go pay the light bill. I know my husband would be very upset with me if I just sat around and waited for him to do it.

        With a Mr. Steady, this may not be good advice. Maybe for him the wife needs to leave things for him to do?
        I would be interested in hearing others thoughts on this.

        I do think that one important thing that should be taken from this book is that knowing what kind of man you are married to. It makes a difference in how we approach our husbands and how they respond.

        Nina Roesner who wrote The Respect Dare did a video and explained that what might be disrespect to one husband might not be to another. And that we need to be aware of this. She gave the example of giving directions to her husband when driving. She asked her husband about this and he said he would be upset with her if she didn’t tell him he made a wrong turn and just let him keep going.

        1. Hi Daisymae!

          Dong is as Steady as Steady can be, and I am “Mrs. Unsteady.” 😉

          If Ms. Debbie was with a Command Man, so she needed to do things done because her husband would view undone stuff as “burdens”… if I did things to make them “done”, Dong would not have anything to do anymore, because by nature, I am really Mrs. Command Woman, and Dong is really very passive. If I took over (which I did in the past), he would not have anything to ‘help” me with anymore, and risked being ‘redundant” and ” useless”, which almost always led me to being resentful, because in my mind, “He never does anything! I have done it all!”

          How wonderful to know that though there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to marriage, there are “pegs” to somehow follow with regards to the 3 major types of men — Command, Visionary and Steady.

          It will help me mentor to the other wives. 🙂

          P.S. How is it being married to Mr. Command Man? I think like Eliza, I too, wanted such a man, but only in my mind. I am too emotionally needy to be married to such type. I need someone to always comfort me, be with me and serve me to, if need be. Dong is perfect for me. I am so ungrateful to God for having thought otherwise. 😛

          Love,

          Nikka

          1. Hi, Nikka! I totally agree. you and i are two peas out of the same pod and we both have Mr. Steady husbands. What I had said i loved the most about this book was learning about the 3 types of men because I learned that what I thought i needed and what I wanted weren’t what i actually did need. But God in His foreknowledge did know an that is what He provided for me 31 years ago. Thanks, DaisyMae for clarifying your position on the book. There may be some things people are reading that they don’t like or agree with. You an always choose to skim over those parts or stop reading altogether. But what is good for one gal isn’t necessarily good for another. I think women with “strong” personalities would tend to be able to handle this book no problem. Others, maybe not. I am grateful for Daisymae and Nikka’s points of view. I guess we just need to follow God’s leading on everything. Even the books we read. He knows what is best for us in our learning process.

          2. Nikka,

            To answer your question how is it to be married to a command man… First, let me say that my husband is actually a very soft hearted man. When I write about him sometimes, he comes across grumpy and angry which he is at times, but he is not mean spirited.

            I would say he is 80% Command man and 20% Visionary.

            His Command part means he is not very tolerate. He gets irritated quickly. He has no patience with things not done correctly (his idea of correctly). He doesn’t just stand and take something off someone else, he will fight back. He can be very bull headed even when he is wrong. Thankfully, he is capable of admitting when he is wrong, but it may take a while.

            One good example, when he was in truck driving school, there was an instructor who was berating one of the student drivers and using very foul language. My husband was in the back seat. He told this instructor exactly what he thought of his teaching abilities and how he abused his power and he got out of the truck and walked back to the school. He was not the least bit afraid of getting into trouble himself.

            Being a controlling woman married to a Command Man as you can imagine is like oil and water…..or more like oil on fire and water! I am learning to look beyond his outward actions and see his heart. It is very hard at times. I get my feelings hurt easily. He sees anything that he says as the truth and no reason to get hurt feelings over….But….here is the ironic thing….He gets his feelings hurt easily too but when that happens, his reaction is always anger so you don’t know it.

        2. DaisyMae,

          Wow. I haven’t heard of the throw a rock at the window and ban your husband from the computer for life method. That is pretty surprising to me!

          I do love the idea that different personality types will respond better to different approaches. I think that is very helpful.

          Thank you so much for sharing!

          1. April,
            I looked this incident up in the Created to be His Help Meet book. This wife did not ban her husband from the computer for life. The woman who is sharing her testimony about catching her husband viewing pornography said, “He has proven that he is not trustworthy…..so, the doors will be open and the children and I will have access to him at all times…I will forgive him and love him and honor him, but he will know that there are some things that I need from him that will be a surety to me that he is remaining faithful and true. His openness to us will give me peace and cause me to believe in him.” I didn’t recall reading that from when I had read the book so I wanted to go back and look it up because that definitely would not be appropriate for the wife to say/do. I cannot find anywhere in her testimony that she banned him from the computer.
            ~ Eliza

          2. It has been a while since I read the book. Eliza is correct but I think the rest of the paragraph is important. I would see this as controlling and not sure it would be advisable especially with a Command man. “‘So the doors will be open and the children and I will have access to him at all times, and he will not have a job where he is free to play on the computer, and he will not go out at night without one of the children with him and he will come straight home from work and not stop over for an hour or so anywhere to do whatever.” I knew she banned him from something but I just got it wrong what it was.

          3. DM,
            I do agree with your opinion that it was still maybe a little bold on the wife’s part, but I have never experienced the pain that she must have felt when she caught her husband in his lies and involved with what he was involved in. I think the pain would be enormous. So, I really didn’t blame her for her reaction. I do believe we ladies need to seek the Lord before acting and reacting if such “discoveries” are made. We need to be Spirit-led for sure. As April said, we need to read everything by weighing it against God’s Word, and we must have the Spirit’s leading. As they say, “Chew the meat, spit out the bones.” We need to use great discernment when we read human authors. I just do believe this book is filled with an abundance of life-changing wisdom, and I would say if anyone chooses to read the book, just read it prayerfully as you would anything else. 🙂

          4. You are right, Eliza. I really like the book and I think it has good stuff in it, but I as I go along on this journey, I continue to question what is the right approach to certain things with MY husband. One thing I am still not good at is waiting. I pray about it but do not wait for an answer all the time before I react. One of the many things I need to fix……

            Thankfully I have not been in this position with my husband either. My whole point here was that so many people see Debbie’s book at a “doormat” book and I disagree with that.

      2. Hi Eliza!!!

        I think April’s blog, which is written from the slant of Type A, domineering, go-getter, ultra-motivated women… has as its readers , mostly from the group who is married to Mr. Steady. 🙂 I am, April is, you are…

        Thank you for advocating the book. It opened up my eyes further to how best to serve and love my husband, and how to approach mentoring to other wives, simply knowing the type of man they are married to. 🙂

        I think,though, regardless of type… Biblical submission really is the key in making our husbands become the men God wants them to be. To the Command wife, it’s almost demanded of her, and quite obvious that she has to submit.. To the Visionary wife, it is necessary to submit due to her husband’s oftentimes viewed as “weird behavior” and she would have to go with the flow. To the Steady wife, she really has to humble herself and decide to submit otherwise she would trample on her poor husband’s dignity because he is too gentle to force anything on her!

        How lovely to know that God can use the flaws in our husbands and in us, to conform us both to become more like Christ. It’s our imperfections that make us “perfect” like the heavenly Father is perfect. 🙂

        1. Nikka, can I say I think you are pretty awesome?? i love how you word things. You and April are great compliments to each other on this blog. I love reading both April’s and yours, Nikka. Thanks, Ladies, for serving the Lord and honoring Him by being willing to live such transparent lives. Isn’t God just so amazing to use people like us after we have caused so much hurt? It’s such a beautiful testimony of grace and forgiveness. You both are such a blessing to me as well as countless others. So glad we can talk about these things openly and encourage and uplift each other so we can all be better wives to our husbands and mothers to our children! love you guys lots!!

          1. Love you too! Thank you for being in this journey with us. Your godly wisdom is very important to us younger women. 😀

            We are all like the workers in the Parable of the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). Some are called early, others are called late. But we all get our “pay” because our God is Merciful and Kind.

            Matthew 20:14 part: “I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?”

            Hugs,

            Nikka

          2. Wow! That was SO cool what you just shared, Nikka; loved that! I stand amazed at the wisdom God gives to women when they ask Him for it. I’m so blessed by the wisdom the Lord has granted to all the ladies here on this blog and that are humbly sharing all these personal things for God’s honor and glory! I am praying every woman who comes on this blog (and Nikka’s!!!) will be touched and forever changed by the Truth that is shared here and the wonderful testimonials that go along with His Word and it’s principles. Thank you for sharing, Ladies!! “Iron sharpeneth iron!”

        2. As a command man, I want to say it is not obvious she has to submit and demanding anything from your wife in the current church, social and economic climate is a tough road to hoe (probably different in your society?).

          When you are up against the media, the church and it’s leadership, the legal system, feminism that has infected 90% of women and 70% of men…you name it I cannot understate how important it for women in the church to police themselves. In other words, no matter how loving, high status, or full of god given “leadership” “a command man” (or any man) is at the mercy of his wife also. Even things that are taught on a “christian marriage blogs/books/radio programs” for wives to get their husbands straightened out (usually not scriptural) are considered “abuse” when a husband the same to his wife.

          Not to say a husband shouldn’t face the risks and do what is loving, biblical and not abusive to help his wife fulfill her role but he will be demonized for it, in and out of church. That is why it is so very important that christian women teach and police themselves on this. Both in church, in their friends relationship and on the internet.

          We have a beautiful marriage where she is loved, cherished and valued & I am respected and lead, but that was not always the case (the latter) no matter how deep love ran or how much affection was shown or how much “command” was used. There is a fallacy that women will submit to a man that is good enough, loving enough, strong enough leadership and that is just not he case. Just as we the bride, do not submit to the perfect husband Christ much/most of the time.

          Sorry, as a pretty strong command man…I just wanted to say it wasn’t obvious and “demanding” something of a wife that does not believe a husband can demand something is tough into today’s climate. Not trying to undercut you, but I think it’s a common misconception.

          1. Thank you thankfulhusband for pointing that out!!! 🙂

            I come from the opposite end of the spectrum. I am Mrs. Command and my husband is Mr. Steady, and for most of our marriage, I was the one commanding and he was the one following.

            It is refreshing to hear from a Mr. Command’s point of view. I actually wanted to pose this question to the men, but was a bit shy to do so. 🙂 Thanks for telling me about this. I otherwise would not have known that just because it seems “obvious”, that women would automatically submit.

            Yes,I agree that the society is already too mixed up and topsy turvy to know the biblical and godly differences between husbands and wives. We have become a confusing androgynous bunch. 😛

            Thanks for the clarification! I appreciate it!!! 🙂

          2. Thankful husband,

            Thank you so much for this perspective, I don’t think most wives realize how hostile our culture, even in the church, is for men to lead their wives.

            I especially love hearing from husbands with different personalities. Other wives on my blog need to hear these differing perspectives. I love hearing your insights.

            Eliza,

            I hope you will allow me to share these comments as a post. You have wisdom here, learned the hard way, and I want other wives to have the chance to learn from you. What a critically important message!!!

            You can search, “respecting our husbands as fathers” for my take on this and let me know what you think, if you have time. :). I would love to hear your thoughts.

          3. excited to do so! eagerly looking forward to “respecting our husbands as fathers.” will f/u with you 🙂
            (I really only touched on circumstances when the kids were younger. Seems like most women here have younger kids, if any. I may be wrong, but I don’t get the impression that the majority of ladies have grown children, like me. A lot of people think I am the sister to my children. For w/e reason, the Lord allowed me to maintain a youthful appearance, so I still feel really, really young inside too! Today, I had to go to the hospital to have a procedure done on my spine. The anesthesiologist wanted to do a pregnancy test on me and I chuckled – “I’ve already gone through menopause!!” I don’t feel like an old lady speaking to younger women. I still feel very young and find it pretty hard thinking of myself as a woman in her early 50’s. But I definitely am an aged woman as I have raised my family from beginning to end. So, I’ve experienced the end result and know the full spectrum from sewing to reaping. I really hope my life experiences can help other women be the mothers God wants them to be. And HE can accomplish it in our lives if we simply submit to His principles with our children as we also diligently submit to the principles we are putting into place regarding our husbands. They really go hand in hand. To God be the glory for all He has accomplished in my life!

          4. “A child’s view of God is formed in the likeness of his dad.” I read your article on “Respecting our Husbands as Fathers,” April, and it was point on! I am extremely thankful that your statement (above) is 100% true and my own experience confirms it too. I can tell you for certain that God allowed our children to take on more of the character of their father, not me. They all love and adore their dad and are very similar to his personality and temperament. God graciously allowed them to learn to emulate him, not me. It is as though the Lord caused the children to retain what he taught and set by example and reject all the negative, unBiblical stuff I was doing. God put it in children’s hearts and minds that the father is meant to be the head of the household, and they seem to want to live that out whether or not the mother and wife applies it herself. God honored my husband’s behavior and rejected mine. You did such a good job teaching the children to treat their father the same way you did. That is how it should be!! In your situation, God honored your teaching because it was Biblical and so He allowed the children to emulate it. Mine NEVER emulated my behavior — thank God!! You have saved yourself so much unnecessary pain. I encourage you to continue to apply these principles no matter what! Thank you for seeking God in your life and learning the proper order for the home before any major hurts occurred. I praise your efforts and am so thankful for all the wisdom the Lord has given you. May God do this same work in homes across our land and even throughout the world for His honor and glory!!

          5. Eliza,
            Thank you for reading it – your insights on this issue are extremely helpful. How I pray that God will raise up THIS generation to seek Him and to submit to Him and to do things by His wisdom and design so that we might leave a godly legacy for our children. I believe God has plans to use you mightily in His kingdom to help drive home these critical truths. THANK YOU for your willingness, humility and love for Christ and your sisters – that you are so open to share these painful lessons.
            Much love!

  20. Thankfulhusband,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    I agree with you that women want ‘SECURITY’.

    When the Lord convicted me of my sins, I realized one thing: NOTHING and NOBODY is secure. Only in God do we find SECURITY.

    – A man may work for 19 years and on his 20th year, just a few short months of retirement, he gets sick or dies… The wife does not get the benefits. Where’s the security in that?

    – A man may be a boss in a big company, has a very high salary, can afford luxurious living, lives way above his means because he will have his next paycheck to pay off the debts anyway. Then, his company closes suddenly due to an economic downturn. Instead of savings, he has massive debts. Where’s the security in that?

    I am actually blessed to be married to a man who does not have any qualms “getting his hands dirty” just to provide for the family. Thank you for reminding me about that. 🙂

    This 1% you are rubbing elbows with, I believe are “more fearful” of losing their money than those who have not much money, am I right? Unless, their confidence is on the Lord and they use the money as a blessing to others, and “hold it loosely” in their hands, as though only a channel of the blessings from above…

    1. Nikka,
      It is my prayer that every wife and husband will realize that ultimately the only security is in Christ and that husbands and wives will experience the freedom that comes from finding our identity in Christ alone.

      THAT is where our greatest power is!!! 🙂

  21. Beth,

    We could interchange our names and give or take a few details, and our stories would have been nearly the same! I am glad the Lord opened up both our eyes, sister. That was a dangerous path of destruction we both were treading. 🙁

    May the Lord continue to shower you with His many Blessings and may the fruits of the Spirit multiply in your lives, daily.

    Love,

    Nikka

    1. Nikka, I believe you are right! I have been able to see myself in almost every post I have read but this one spoke so loudly to me…. I appreciate you & April for being so bold & transparent for the sake of others & their marriages…I can not put into words how much I have learned from you both since I started reading your blogs in February….God bless you & your beautiful family!

      1. Thank you, Beth and praise God!!! 🙂

        I always view my transparency as nearing “social suicide” from the rawness of it. But how can the Lord touch others’ lives if nobody is willing to lay it all down, so that others could see themselves in our shoes?

        Truly, God is so good!!! God bless you too, dear sister. God bless you and your family as well. 🙂

  22. Reading all the comments, I’m being so broken over how much I’ve been a curse and not a blessing to my husband. My heart sorrows for how ungodly I treated my husband…I expected him to be perfect…he was my center when Christ should have been.

    I pray it isn’t too late in my marriage for me to finally understand what being a Godly wife means. I miss my husband so much, but I trust our great God will do something good with this growing pain.

    1. Dear livelywriter,

      There is much hope in Christ! He will convert trash into treasure. Do not lose hope, dear sister. There is nothing impossible with our good Lord.

      I will pray and fast with you on your intentions. With God, nothing is too late or too early. He is always on time. He works outside of time. He is already in your future. Just put your faith in Him, sister in Christ. He will manifest Himself in your situation!!!

      Rom 8:28
      “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

      Love,

      Nikka

      1. “With God, nothing is too late or too early. He is always on time. He works outside of time. ”

        Thank you, Nikka, for pointing this out. Realizing God has control over everything–even time–is humbling and comforting. He is truly sovereign!

        Thank you for including my concern in your prayers. I will fast tomorrow too, and pray for you and all striving peaceful wives.

    2. livelywriter, after my eyes were opened I really lamented over all the “lost” years. I couldn’t believe I wasted so much time. Then a very wise, godly woman told me that all lessons are in God’s timing, not ours. I just couldn’t believe that in all my 30 years of being a Christian, I had never met one godly lady who understand the principles of God’s Word and could teach them. Seriously, where are all the Titus 2 women??? Looking back, I see God was teaching me so many other things; it just wasn’t the timing for me; I probably wouldn’t have receive it. I like what Nikka said, “treasure for trash!” Isaiah says, “beauty for ashes.” Keep trusting the Lord. He certainly is always right on time with everything He does…even in the life lessons and teachings. God can turn everything around. Trust Him for His perfect timing and will.

      1. P.S. Thankful to have met lots of Titus 2 Ladies on this blog!! God is showing me they are out there. Just because they never came my way doesn’t mean God doesn’t have faithful women teachings His principles. Unfortunately it is the norm, though. If I was ready, I’m sure the Lord would have sent someone my way. But like I share what happened to me anyway, it wasn’t someone I met who taught me, it was the Lord directing me about being a help meet. God knows when we’re ready or when it’s His time. The Lord can move on your husband using anything or anyone. Keep looking up!

      2. Eliza and Livelywriter,
        I mourned over the 14.5 YEARS of my marriage that I spent in rebellion against God, astronomical pride, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness, disrespect, control, idolatry of self and unbelief in Christ. I wanted those years ERASED! I pleaded with God – why didn’t you show me this in the summer of 1994 when we first got married and we were in so much pain and I spent all day every day crying for the first 3 months of our marriage?!?!

        But – I can see in hindsight what God had planned and why His timing was perfect. This brings me to tears of joy. God desired to use me to reach thousands of women around the world. This blog will reach 2 million hits next week. God is using those 14.5 years of my sin and rebellion against Him and against Greg to bring thousands of women to Himself now. I cannot be upset about those years of sin. They are a tool in the hand of our sovereign Lord to help wives relate to me so that they can hear His voice and truth and find His hope, mercy, grace, forgiveness and healing!

        PRAISE GOD for those years of my sin. If He wants to use me as an example of what NOT to do and to showcase His glory… PRAISE GOD, I am IN!

        Much love!

        1. yes I agree, April. For some reason, however, it isn’t necessarily the pain of what hurt I caused my husband, but it is the pain I caused my children that hurts the most. They were innocent and weren’t part of the dynamics of our marriage. You just absolutely cannot imagine how painful it can be to have your children tell you the hurts you caused them. Not sure the rest of my life is enough time for healing for that. I agree that you cannot have a testimony without having first had the trials. I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad about that…..I just wish I had learned a lot sooner. But, I’m choosing not to lament over it because it isn’t the attitude God wants when He did so much to accomplish forgiveness for me.

          1. Eliza,
            I can imagine – just a taste – of that pain. And it brings me to tears just thinking about it for 2 seconds.

            I can’t wait to see how God plans to use you as a Titus 2 wife to teach His wisdom and truth to a desperate generation of women who need Him so very much.

          2. Eliza,

            Yes, as mothers our hearts bleed for any hurts we cause our children. It is true that as innocents they suffer, but that suffering can be used by God to help them to understand Christ’s innocent suffering for our sins.

            It took feeling the pain of the damage i have inflicted along with feeling the pain of damage inflicted upon me to really begin to understand what Christ did for us. Then I finally valued the sacrifices our great God has made for us to make our having a relationship with Him possible.

            I have prayed for you. ❤

          3. great words of wisdom, Livelywriter!! thank you!! you are right! And now i pray God uses the past and now the present current changes to show them the lessons God wants them to learn. They are great kids; they have forgiven me. now i am just trying to start over with them:)

          4. Hi Eliza!

            How have your children suffered from such a setup, growing up? I am afraid for someone close to me because they are in this same setup right now and the children, especially the teenaged girl is beginning to disrespect her father, from perhaps having an overly dominant, controlling mother. It’s heartbreaking. 🙁

          5. Nikka,
            Because my husband has a very meek spirit and he also has the gift of mercy, he was very gracious towards the kids’ “mistakes, sins, disobedient behaviors.” I was very militant with the kids, and lacked greatly in the mercy department. I was really strict and was always trying to keep control of everything and everybody. It hurt the kids to see me control their dad ~ they thought he was the best dad ever. But I was really tough on all of them too because I was so controlling. They did not feel loved by me. (did you hear what I said??) Imagine your kids telling you that!! I was blind. All those years I thought i was a good mother. Then they sat me down and told me otherwise. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I was devastated. The truth is that the Bible advocates Mercy AND Truth. God always puts the two together. You can’t have Mercy and no truth, and you can’t have Truth with no mercy. Look up mercy and truth and you will see how God puts them together in His Word. I needed somebody like Debi Pearl to wake me up and show me what I wasn’t seeing. Her book did exactly that. And I am confident that that is the kind of book God ordained that I read because I needed that to wake me up. I experienced great conviction, as I said, and I repented. I apologized to everybody and now i am trusting God to heal all of our relationships. Slowly, He is doing that, and I am grateful. But I will go to my grave knowing I caused such pain and hurt to my precious babies. I am so so so thankful God got a hold of my heart through this book. He has changed my life. Praise God, my children have all forgiven me and we are now working on building new relationships with each other. I know they are shocked to see me so calm and so peaceful. It has given them hope. I know God will accomplish much in His timing. I should have relied more on God’s Word, strength, and Holy Spirit power when I was raising my kids. I was prideful; I thought I was doing great. I don’t recall ever asking God for His opinion. Yikes! It’s just nuts how you can think you are A-OK and then God shows you otherwise. It’s pretty humbling. But I praise God for His humbling me and showing me who I was and the hurt I was causing. I never want to act like that again…I am determined to continue to learn and grow and trust in God’s power and not my own. I am so dependant on God now and don’t trust in myself. I was so high strung before because I was doing it all on my own. And now, I have God’s peace and He enables me and keeps me on track. It’s a night and day change in my life. And I am eternally grateful to the Lord to lead me to April and Nikka’s blogs because they have been such a blessing to me. Thank you, Ladies!!! And praise our awesome God!!

          6. Praise God! Halleluiah! Amen! 🙂

            It’s so beautiful what the Lord has done to you and your life, Eliza. I had to smile though after reading: “I know they are shocked to see me so calm and so peaceful.” Sort of like, “Mom? Is that YOU? Are you okay?!?” 😉

            He really does give us a new countenance. The old is gone, the new has come! 🙂 (2 Cor 5:17)

            It is pretty amazing to see God working in healing your children’s relationships with EACH OTHER and with you. Their meek and “best dad”, I am sure they love even more, and he feels wonderful now that you have submitted to him. 🙂 I could imagine the power play in the past! For your children to NOT FEEL LOVED. Yikes. That was a whole lot of TRUTH you gave them, with not much MERCY, that’s for sure.

            Thanks for reminding me that TRUTH and MERCY go together and for being so open too about your sins and past mistakes. It makes us younger women want to do right and do good NOW while we still have young kids. Thanks for being a Titus 2 elder, Eliza! 🙂

            Love and prayers,

            Nikka

          7. Nikka,

            One area I feel I really negatively impacted the kids is in the area of discipline. What I would do differently now is submit to my husband’s choice or method of discipline for the kids. Resisting his authority in front of the kids by taking over was SO disrespectful!! For whatever reason, I always thought I was pretty good at it. Time has brought the truth to light that I wasn’t so good at it! I was too militant and harsh as a woman. I think it was a contradiction in itself to be a woman and be that way. It confused the kids. They really wanted their mom to have a meek and gentle spirit. They wanted me to submit to and respect their dad. They wanted to me speak few words. They wanted lots of hugs and encouraging words from me. I was too busy being in control of everybody to be a soft place for them. They needed mom to be softer and dad to have full control.
            He also always disciplined in love, and he definitely had a lot more self control than I did. I could get pretty upset and emotional. I 100% believe now that the husband should make the decisions regarding this area of parenting. I just did w/e I thought was best — I didn’t take my husband’s preference into consideration. (When this happens, the kids can see that the parents are not in agreement. That’s never a good thing either. It makes the kids feel insecure. They need to see their parents in agreement; and if the parents are not in agreement, they need to see the mother defer to the father.)
            Not being respectful to my husband in other areas also really caused the kids some deep hurts. “No man can serve two masters.” The kids should not be torn between having to please both parents & when they are not in agreement, that makes it very tough on the kids. God wired the kids to thrive in the environment that He ordained for the family. There is a chain of command that God set into place, and if we do not follow that, we will have problems and it will affect the children in negative ways.
            Debi also said something that impacted me. She said that control and dominance are masculine traits and that a woman’s calling is to be submissive and yielding to her husband. I never lived like that and that was NOT a good testimony to my children…now that I am living according to God’s Word, I see the kids noticing and I hope they learn from what I am practicing now — not what I practiced when I was in rebellion to God and His Word. Unfortunately, I now only have one child left at home. Maybe I will be a better grandmother than a mother! I’m trusting in God’s goodness and mercy. I want Him to use all my mistakes for good, and I do know and understand that He can use all this for good if i use it for ministry to help other ladies. I want to be used by God to warn women that there is a day of reckoning and it just might be extremely painful. It doesn’t have to be that way. God can change us before it is too late.

          8. Eliza,

            “Control and dominance are masculine traits and that a woman’s calling is to be submissive and yielding to her husband”. Yes, I totally agree.

            Since submitting to my husband, as unto the Lord, I have become even more feminine and I love it! God created us to be women, and it really goes against His Design, like you said, to be DOMINANT and CONTROLLING while being a woman/mother. Confusing to the kids, and sets a really bad example!

            Thanks for sharing this, dear sister. I do believe the Lord will make you/is already making you an awesome grandma! 🙂

            Love,

            Nikka

        2. Trash to treasure indeed! The value of the experiences shared here is priceless. I am so thrilled to hear your blog will reach that astronomical number of hits!!!

          What I have learned here has clarified who God is and what He desires from us. I would not trade these lessons, hard a they may be, for the complacent folly of my old ways.

          Wow. It is easy to unthinkingly assign our human limitations to God. His ways are truly mysterious to us…we are limited by time and space, God is not. His greatness defies our ability to comprehend. Our quest to understand all things truly is a curse carried down from the original sin–how lovely it would be to take God at His word, fully trusting in Him for all without the human compulsion to understand.

          Truly, I feel a kinship with all here who are striving to learn obedience to God so He may make us to shine like bright lights in the world, beacons that line the narrow path to His glory.

  23. OOh My! I am so encouraged by Beth Shehan’s story. I have been working and earning more than my hubby ever since we got married. He started a business which didn’t do well. He closed it last year. We have been trusting God for a job for him. I now see that I had put my trust in a stable job; not the business. He still havent got a job. This year, he reopened the business. At first, I didn’t like the idea because I thought it will go down just like the first time. I have had to take loans for him to start the businesses. I realized I resented the business. the Lord dealt with me on that. I keep on praying God to give me the strength and will to support him . the other day he told me that “he is doing it for me” I guess I need to lovingly probe to know whether I pushed him into it in the first place.Pray with me sisters.

    Since 2012, I have been having this conviction like Beth to be there for our 2 little daughters and my hubby. I no longer find working satisfying despite the good salary. I have shared with my hubby but he feels I shouldn’t quit yet (I guess the fear of not having income for the family). I have obeyed but am haunted by the motherly responsibilities that I desire to fulfill and the conviction of God. I feel the Lord wants me to concentrate on bringing our kids up for now. any advice? please pray with me.
    I am meeting a godly woman friend this week end to talk and pray over this.

    Thanks sisters.

    Liz

    1. Liz, I am thankful my story spoke to you…I would like to offer this bit of advice…if God is convicting you to be home with your kids trust Him to make it possible! My husband did not like the idea of me going part time at work at all…he had put a ton of trust & security in my steady job & was so fearful to the point of anger everytime I brought up not working full time…i was miserable God was showing me all the joys of motherhood that I was missing…finally, while confiding in a dear friend she spoke what I truly do believe were the audible words of God…I believe this because once I surrendered to Christ in this decision & did what He was leading me to do He blessed me with that peace that surpasses all understanding! When I should’ve been fearful I was more at peace than I have ever been in my whole life….I would like to tell you a few things my friend told me 1st. She said that my ultimate authority is Christ & that I have to submit to Him before my husband. You see I was so angry that I wanted to lessen my hours but felt anger & resentment towards my husband for not providing me the security to do so. 2nd She said to me that just because we are married & a one flesh union we won’t always have the same convictions & that if God is convicting me of something I have to act on it & not wait around on God to bring mike under conviction. But first I had to pray, study the word of God & know for sure this was God’s will…He will never tell us to do something that is contrary to His word. 3rd My time as a mother to small children is ticking away every minute & there is a reason why I was dealing with such heavy conviction because this season of my life is so fleeting & once it’s gone we can’t get it back. And 4th she told me that my husband wouldn’t be able to hear God’s will for his life as a husband & father as long as I was constantly telling him MY will for him as my husband & their father. That Mike was going to need to get to the point where He had to put all his faith & trust in God but that wasn’t going to happen as long as I continued providing the paths for his life & financial security.
      Liz, I truly did get to the point that I was ok & still am ok with losing our home & everything we own for the sake of doing what God was calling me to do. None of the things of this earth bring us security they are all from Christ & can be gone in an instant…I’m learning to hold loosely to my earthly possessions..God put a desire in my heart to listen to Him & do His will that’s so strong…His plan for me at this time is to become a biblical submissive respectful wife so that as a mother I can teach my children how to be all those things & pass that along to future generations.
      It has been 5 months today since I went part time & my husband now says he doesn’t resent it at all like he did at first. He says he sees how blessed we have all been by me being home more. I think he is able to see that because God has dramatically changed our sex life…it is definitely the glue that holds marriages together when used as God intends it to be used…I have been more readily available to him than I have the whole 15 years we’ve been married…In fact neither of us can remember the last time I refused him…God is so good!
      Liz, I will be praying for you & your family today!

        1. Thank you Nikka!!! I am amazed by how much God is teaching me & all the things I’ve missed throughout the years. I was so blinded by my sin!
          Praise God for teaching me a new way! You & I & our husbands have so much in common…it’s a shame we don’t live close to one another, our families would probably be great friends!

        2. Thank you so much Beth. You have hit it right home. I have had the conviction for quite a long time. I know that this season is passing and never to come back. I don’t want to linger and when my daughters are older, regret the opportunity I missed of being a present mother. You are right, my husband has found a lot of security in my pay. I support the business, which sometimes leave my angry. He has fears because he left his well paying job a couple of years ago (before we got married) to venture into politics, but didn’t work. that’s how he ended up trying business. He regrets his decision and now fears that I may end up the same. As you have said, we have our personal convictions from God. I talked with a godly lady who also left her job to take care of the family. The problem is that my hubby is not stable financially to take care of us yet. I have been trusting God to grant him a stable job or prosper the business. Thanks so much for your support in prayer.
          I am trusting God for ideas on investment such that by the end of current contract year, I can quit and still have some income. Pray for my hubby for the Lord to illuminate his path. if its business, let it prosper. if its not, let him open a door for him. One time the Lord just dropped a word in my spirit: my obedience will be the key to open doors of blessings. I am waiting for God to bless so that I obey while he is waiting for me to obey so that he can bless. That resides in my heart. I will also keep looking out for opportunities to work part time though they are very scarce in Kenya.
          When all is said and done, I know one thing, I need to heed to God’s calling of the season ;to be a present home maker.
          Thanks sisters.

          Liz

    2. Dear Liz,

      I wrote a long answer to your question but WordPress had an error and did not post it. 🙁 So, since it’s tedious to write a long note again, I will just give you a link to this post of mine, explaining how it was that I gave up my broadcasting career when the Lord convicted me of my sins.

      http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-wind-beneath-my-wings.html

      I will pray for you and with you as you find out what God’s Will is for you at this season in your life.

      Love,

      Nikka

      1. Thanks Nikka. I have read your story and waooooo! only God can help a woman let go of all that glamour. I know God will make a way for me to step in his will. I am convicted that the pursuit for wealth has left many families wounded. Mothers and wives are so busy to fulfill their God given mandate. I would like to encourage many in Africa to reconsider their many engagements. God wants to begin with me.
        Much love,
        Liz

        1. Yes, dear Liz. Only God can change someone’s heart which was very worldly like mine was. I praise Him every day for calling my name and for convicting me. 🙂

          May you be used by God to minister to the wives in Africa. His Word is applicable to all, whether in the United States, in the Philippines or in Africa.

          God bless you.

          Love,

          NIkka

  24. Dear April,
    I am disturbed. My hubby has taken lots of money from my salary, gratuity and put in the business, I even took a loan which the business has never repaid. I am still being deducted. He has been taking charge of even my bank account. Last week, I gave him some money which was office refund to do something in the business with the promise that he will return this week. I reminded him yesterday. today morning, he wanted to withdraw more money from my salary for some purchases in the business.I just kept quiet on that because I have not yet returned the office money, paid the loan fully (we had decided that my last year’s gratuity will go into paying the loan but before I could process, he got some contract job which required a lot of money. I agreed he uses it but upon repayment, he gives me the amount I loaned the business. that is yet to happen yet the contract has already been paid) , and still expects I agree with spend more. what do I do? am really praying that I will respond respectively, but I don’t know how. it Is hurting me.

      1. The first time it happened, I shared with him calmly and he was genuinely apologetic. Even my last gratuity, he told me to suggest what I would like to do with it. I told him I thought servicing the loan (which he still cant account for) would help us save because I wont have to be deducted the interests every month. He agreed and I believe he was for that. When a contract came his way, he suggested if he can use the money(close to 1180 dollars). The agreement was that I get the money back in April. Its now May and I know he got the money and either used it to pay business rent or something. After the recent episodes, am thinking otherwise. He is quick to spend, make promises of refund, but I don’t know where the money goes after that.I am so confident that he has been paid from the contract but he tells me he hasn’t. I came across a bank deposit receipt of close to that amount. I have not asked him about it but of course it is hurting me. He is a very strong willed person .
        I was thinking of suggesting that for some time, he concentrates on running the business while I take care of the household until the business is stable. That way he can pull it up on his own ( read something like that in fascinating womanhood) is that respectable? Trusting God for wise loving word to express as I trust God to help out of little lies about money and be able to even keep records of his business income and expenses
        Thanks
        Liz

  25. Praise God dear sisters.
    i would like to share my testimony about God’s help in dealing with the above issue i had shared. I was trusting God to help me respond to the financial issue in a godly manner that would honor him and my husband. he did. The same day, my hubby called concerning some spending he had suggested we do. i told him that i was not comfortable with a few details and wished we could talk first. he agreed. We met later in the day and waaaoooo! had a meaningful deep talk. He appreciated me for supporting him all this time.God gave me calmness and i shared with him (hubby) my feelings and fears.
    We resolved to stay and stick to our budget and i ensure that he follows it and watch for any spending that is not well thought of. He told me that one of the reasons he loves me is that i can be hard on him nicely and i speak my mind. He agreed to my suggestion of him concentrating on bringing up the business while UNDER HIS Leadership, i take care of the house expenses.
    We agreed on a formula to have the money that has gone into the business refunded. I trust that he will.

    Let me share a few things i learnt through my situation:

    1. To pray over issues (especially delicate ones) before discussing with my husband. I read somewhere “that talk heavy to the Lord and light to your husband”
    2. To examine my heart and allow God to deal with any hidden anger and bitterness. These one block the way of sharing the truth with love. I had been quiet from morning and my hubby was wondering what the problem was. He appreciated the fact that i chose to be silent than to respond to him with an angry tone.(thanks for this blog. i had vented out my riddled up feelings).

    3. To believe the best in my husband. Yes, he may do things that may look fishy, but he is human and also depending on God for refinement. I need to focus on the good he does and celebrate him. I yesterday took time to visit him in the business premise and even help with some pending binding job. He was so overjoyed.

    I would like to encourage all of us that it is worthy to take this journey. Focus on Christ and allow him to refine your heart and motives. I love the difference i is having on me.
    Handling that financial situation in a way that left us closer to each other was nothing lesser than a miracle to me.

    1. Hi Liz!

      I am very joyful over the recent development in your life! God really does take care of the nitty gritty and the messy stuff in our lives, when we hand it over to Him. But, first, we really have to do our best to not cherish any sin so as to allow Him to move. Praise God!

      Glad you vented out your frustrations here and that made you more relaxed and silent with your husband. All that pent up emotion would have been too much for him to handle!

      This one truly was a miracle! What an inspiration! 🙂

      Congrats on handling that in such a godly manner, sister. 🙂 Focusing on Christ makes seemingly overwhelming things become “easy”. 🙂

      Thanks for encouraging us in our own walks with Jesus!

      Love,

      Nikka

  26. April,
    This is a topic that I struggle with so much with my bf. I’ve graduated school and have been working in my field for a couple of years now. I am doing well financially and am back in school fulltime to earn a higher degree. My boyfriend, of 3 years has just graduated school and is currently looking for employment. We are both in our mid/late 20’s, he got a late start on school and didn’t quite get the counseling he needed on choosing a degree – basically he choose a subject he liked, but didn’t quite consider what kind of employment options he would have with this degree. He’s having trouble finding fulltime, permanent positions that provide a substancial enough pay.

    I am having so much anxiety over the future, between wanting to get married, him finding stable work, me not wanting to end up being the main provider. It doesn’t help that we are both living in an area of Southern California, where million dollar homes, expensive cars and overall excess materialism are the norm. Not saying that this is what I strive for, I actually really desire for smaller town/simpler living, but just being around it everyday seems to create so much more pressure for financial performance.

    Since reading your blogs for the past couple months, I’ve basically been sitting on my hands trying my hardest not to barge in and take control of his job hunt with the neverending suggestions, leads and emails on the topic that I was doing before.
    Some days I am able to trust God and I am at total peace with the situation, but this past week especially I’ve been overwhelmed by fear and resentment of the situation I’m in. I continue to pray and seek God, knowing that He promises to provide, but sometimes my world seems too much to handle.

    1. Julia,

      It is tempting to think that we know best and we need to push our agenda. Yep. I have done that. I don’t ever want to do that again!!!! It is possible to be so vocal that we can drown out God’s voice in our men’s souls. That is not productive. I am really proud of you for being patient and waiting.

      How is your walk with Christ?

      How is your boyfriend’s walk with Christ?

      What is his dream? Where does he want to live? Have you talked about the idea of moving somewhere to have a more simple life?

      Focus on God’s sovereignty, my sweet girl. He is able to provide a job for your man. He is able to direct him in all of these details. God’s wisdom is much higher than ours- thankfully – and He knows the future in ways we never could.

      When you start to feel anxious, that can be a flag to watch your motives and to watch your heart. Where is your trust? Where is your focus? Where is your identity? Who is sovereign here? You or God?

      I understand you not wanting to be the primary provider. That often does not go well. It wouldn’t be ideal.

      If you can, I invite you to check out chapter one of this free download – Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – be sure you and your man are on the right path and pray for God to draw you both to Him and for His greatest glory. Be willing to lay down anything God asks you to lay down.

      Also, listening to sermons by John Piper or David Platt or podcasts by Wayne Grudem on the sovereignty of God is very helpful!!!! 🙂

      Praying for you both!

      1. Thank you so much for your reply and your prayers,

        How is your walk with Christ?

        My walk with Christ is obviously not perfect, but it’s consistent and growing. I regularly spend time in His word and in prayer (4-5 days a week), but am always aiming for better follow through in the area. I have a good church home and am involved in ministry. Probably my weakest area is I don’t have many Godly friends or mentors that I share my life with. I’m a pretty private person and typically don’t form close relationships very easily. Outside of all that, I am always learning new things from the Lord, in this year alone He has opened my eyes about how weak my prayer life is, how little trust or understanding I fundamentally do have in His sovereignty. He has gone to work on my pride and how much I attempt to control, my perfectionism and how much I compare myself to others instead of living simply for His glory.

        How is your boyfriend’s walk with Christ?

        My boyfriend’s walk is simple, he has been a Christian for much longer than me. It is much easier for Him to sit back and trust. He is honestly one of the most forgiving and humble people I know. I know that he struggles (probably more than me) to have regular quiet time with the Lord. We attend the same church and is involved in ministry as well-however he is working a seasonal job a few hours away so has not been around the church or his usual support as regularly for the past couple months.

        What is his dream? Where does he want to live? Have you talked about the idea of moving somewhere to have a more simple life?

        He would be ok moving somewhere else to a smaller town with a slower way of life. It would be hard, as both of us are close to our families, but both agree that it will most likely happen in the future. Career wise, he would love to have a job as a ranger within the state or national park system. He’s not a big dreamer, I’m typically the one with all the aspirations and plans. I asked him yesterday what his biggest dreams were-thinking maybe there was something I was missing or have not listened to, but he told me that what he really wants is to live comfortably with a wife who supports him and kids that he is able to teach and watch grow to form their own relationships with Christ. On the side, he would love the chance to travel to South America as he’s always loved the culture and the people there.

        Focus on God’s sovereignty, my sweet girl. He is able to provide a job for your man. He is able to direct him in all of these details. God’s wisdom is much higher than ours- thankfully – and He knows the future in ways we never could.

        I know you are correct in this and can’t wait for the day when these principles truly ‘click’ in my heart! 🙂

        When you start to feel anxious, that can be a flag to watch your motives and to watch your heart. Where is your trust? Where is your focus? Where is your identity? Who is sovereign here? You or God?

        I understand the concept of recognizing my anxiety as a flag to check my motives and my heart. I’ve suffered from an eating disorder in my past. I went through almost 4 years of therapy in my early 20’s to get to a place of full recovery. I learned a lot during that time about self-examination and uncovering the ‘reasons’ so to speak behind overpowering, negative emotions. Unfortunately, the therapy was done by a secular therapist. Although I learned a lot and benefitted from his services, I know I am missing and probably have conflicted with key Biblical principles of trust, grace and faith in relation to God’s sovereignty. Praise God though that through those trials I became serious about my relationship with Him and I am where I am today. I wrote down your questions above in my journal to answer the next time a wave of anxiety hits.

        If you can, I invite you to check out chapter one of this free download – Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – be sure you and your man are on the right path and pray for God to draw you both to Him and for His greatest glory. Be willing to lay down anything God asks you to lay down.

        I just read this chapter this morning and it moved me as to what so many families across America desperately need. As for our relationship, I saw areas that he and I could both build or improve on. Specifically on my end, this line resonated with me, “…that you influence him spiritually primarily through your fearless tranquillity and holiness and prayer.” Fearless tranquility are two words that I can say that I have never really lived by, even as a small child, I struggled with anxiety on a regular basis. To see that that Is what men desire and need-not to be pushed and propelled forward, is humbling for me. This quote also fit and is probably the reason why I’ve never displayed the latter, “That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God…” I have always had trouble grasping or understanding grace in context whether it’s from God or from others. It’s embarrassing for me to admit, but I struggle with the proposition of needing grace as a source of failure. I actually think I tend to live my life under God’s instruction, but by my own power. It’s like if I need God, then I must have screwed up bigtime. I’m slowly seeing what it’s like to each day call on His grace and power, instead of enlisting my own-but I have so far to go.

        Also, listening to sermons by John Piper or David Platt or podcasts by Wayne Grudem on the sovereignty of God is very helpful!!!! 🙂

        I’ve listened to a couple sermons by David Platt as I you’ve mentioned his name before-I enjoyed them very much. None specific on sovereignty however. I will do that, thank you!

        1. Julia,

          I’m going to be sharing some links to free downloads of E.M. Bounds books on prayer. I hope you will check out The Necessity of Prayer by Bounds. It is AMAZING! So meaty that I could only read about 1-2 pages per day last year. I am re-reading it this year and am able to go deeper with it now, but it is still so much meat. REALLY amazing stuff about fervent, effective, powerful prayer.

          If you are seeing your boyfriend trust God, wait on God, be forgiving and humble – that is AWESOME!!!!!

          I’m glad that you are used to looking at your motives, and I am sure that God will help you learn to apply this concept through the lens of His Word. 🙂

          I’m so glad you read that chapter already. I think it is important to cement in our minds what God desires us to do as women and what His design for marriage really is – especially in our culture that has veered so very far away from God.

          I love what you are realizing. And yes, it is humbling to have to ask for God’s help and to not be able to handle things on our own. That is a GOOD thing! 🙂

          Your boyfriend has a beautiful dream. And, if he doesn’t dream in as much detail as you do, that’s ok. God can give him the wisdom for each step – and He can direct you, as well.

          Much love!

  27. I came searching for this post because I really needed to read this again. I’ve read the comments posted and it has brought some calmness, but I feel like I still need some advice for my personal situation.

    A little backstory of our situation: My husband is 45…14 years my senior. Before we got married, my husband worked as a restaurant manager for almost 10 years. His parents faced a lot of medical issues and he always sent money to them to help pay for those costs. I left to study abroad for a year and fearing he would lose me, he quit his job and followed me…spending the little money he had/ received from his inheritance. He said he knew that if he didn’t follow me, we would never make it. We got married 3.5 years ago. He’s always admitted that he’s never been good at saving. He never had a credit card until recently. His dream had always been to open his business.

    After we got married, he switched from job to job. I now realize I was so controlling and demanding that I would push him to get a better job, his current job never being good enough. I have always earned more money than him since we got married-despite out age difference. He never seemed to mind. It was me who always minded- hence my pushing. He always viewed us as a team. Last year we opened a business (his dream and what I thought was mine too)…taking out loans, putting stuff on credit cards. I kept working while the business was open, and then afterwards would go to the restaurant, also handling the accounting of the business as I have always handled our finances at home too.

    Our marriage took a turn for the worse and he opted to close the business…claiming I put too much emphasis on money, among other disrespectful things I did. He was so defeated and told me how disrespected he felt…how he couldn’t go on and if things didn’t change, he wanted a divorce. (not the first time we had had this conversation- but this was 1000x worse) Despite our financial debt, he took a month long trip to “clear his mind.” Using the credit card, using the loan. This is when I discovered this blog. And even though the time alone was good for me to regroup, I still felt he was selfish for having gone ahead and on this “birthday vacation” without me, spending money we didn’t have and leaving me to handle the closing of the business. It’s been 8 months and he still has not gotten a job. He says he’s looked, but I’m starting to feel resentment that he still hasn’t gotten anything after 8 months. During which time I have had to pay the bills, and pay minimums on the CC and loan. There’s been times when we thought he was a shoe in, only to be disappointed that he didn’t get the job.

    Things got worse when last week he went off to a wedding in Mexico (again, I was resentful thinking he was being very selfish)…during that time my parents came to visit. Well, they couldn’t believe he had taken off. My dad asked me what was going on with him, and I tried telling him he was looking, but my dad wasn’t having it. He told me how my husband just didn’t have the necessary skills to find work here and really support me. He said I was providing for him and he was getting used to it. He told me he “knew that type of man” who didn’t want to work. That he hadn’t raised me to be the provider of the family. He basically gave me his blessing and said I was still young enough now to “start over” (we don’t have any children)- basically encouraging me to divorce him. That nowadays this is common for young people to get a divorce and that the whole idea of having to stay married because God says so is obsolete. (Side note: My parents are currently in the middle of a divorce after 30 years) I should note that I have always valued my dad’s opinions so it was harder to have him tell me this. Even though I am trying very hard not to let that little speech affect my marriage, I have felt resentment towards my husband since my parents were here. I don’t want that, but I really need encouragement right now to not give up.

    I know that God has spoken to me and the clear message has always been “Trust in the Lord”…but sometimes, things get so discouraging…I need some wisdom…I don’t want to falter in my walk with the Lord, but at times I feel my faith being shaken.

    -Mrs. R

    1. Mrs. R.,

      What a painful situation – and then to have your dad suggest divorce on top of your pain. UGH!!!!!

      Please check out The Bible and Divorce. God hates divorce. Period. And your dad doesn’t have the right to say that divorce is ok. Only God has that right. Your marriage is a covenant with you, your husband, and God.

      I don’t like what your husband has been doing. But it looks like you both have issues to work on in your hearts.

      Do you have a trusted pastor, biblical Christian counselor, or Christian financial planner who can help you get on track here? What does your husband say he needs in the marriage? What does he say about the bills and about putting you deeper and deeper into debt? Is he willing to go to counseling with you?

      Please spend all the time you can in God’s Word. And maybe check out this video I put on Youtube yesterday: https://youtu.be/bN_FArndZZ0

      You are responsible to obey God on your part. You are accountable for your thoughts, sins, obedience, spiritual growth, words, and actions. You can’t control your husband. You can respectfully voice your concerns and issues. You can even say what you will need to do if he continues to spend. “I will have to separate our finances if you cannot stop spending us into greater debt.” You can repent for your sin and disrespect against your husband. You can decide that maybe working together in a business venture isn’t a healthy thing for your particular marriage, especially at this time.

      It sounds like he has been interviewing and looking for jobs. That is a good thing.

      I’d love to see y’all work through this. I don’t think that this situation is impossible. I believe God can heal you both. But you may need to involve some godly counsel if your husband won’t stop spending and is not contributing financially.

      Much love to you!

      1. **Do you have a trusted pastor, biblical Christian counselor, or Christian financial planner who can help you get on track here?

        I have always handled our finances…and when I tried to give them to him, he refused. I have wanted to keep a budget and even tried to get on Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace…but it seems like until he starts working again, that is just not going to happen…we just have to keep above water and I have to juggle it however I can. He did say that his main goal is to pay off our debt. He said once he starts working we’ll bring the debt down- which we will, I’m sure…so I’m looking forward to that. And then he did say that when the debt is paid off then he wants to keep our finances separate. I think he feels like I want to control his spending (which I used to do to the extreme) and this is why he wants separate bank accounts and we each contribute 50% to all of our bills- doing what we want with the rest of our paycheck. In a way I’m okay with this since I am able to “control” my money however I want, but it just feels like we’re not a team, you know?

        What does your husband say he needs in the marriage?

        RESPECT. He always said he wanted us to be a team…and he’s supported me in my career…but he’s said that I’m never happy, nothing he does is ever enough, I don’t give him his place, I put other people before him, I am selfish and always want to do what I want. Since September ( when I stumbled on your blog) I have seriously tried to control this and stop doing it. Part of me feels that he’s going off the deep end with these trips and stuff because he felt I was always controlling him and his spending (even when he had a job) and said that whenever it was something for me, I’d forget about the budget, but when it was something he wanted, I’d put my foot down. (not to complain, but his wants were so much more expensive than mine- and I know the principle is the same, but I still struggle with that)

        What does he say about the bills and about putting you deeper and deeper into debt? Is he willing to go to counseling with you?

        He doesn’t believe in counseling, but he does want to pay off the debt…I thin he genuinely wants to, but them things come up that he also wants to do and he feels he has the right because for so long he catered to me and what I wanted without me thinking of him. He’s on this “I’m going to do what makes me happy because we only have one life.”

        He has been looking for jobs, it’s just hard when months pass and he’s still unemployed…I don’t want to get resentful…he says he’s looking for something he wants and likes to do… which I really want for him too…I guess I have to work on my patience…and I am very grateful because God has always provided for us- somehow we’ve been able to pay bills off…even if I have had to pull from savings. I think that’s another thing why I’m resentful a bit…I’ve had to pull from our savings to cover things…

        The whole issue with my parents divorcing is another story that requires a lot of prayer…

        Thanks for all your advice!

        1. Mrs. R.,

          It sounds to me like there is a lot of pain on both sides of this marriage. Breaks my heart!

          How are you doing with the respect issues that he brought up? Is he feeling more respected by you?

          I would love for you to have a joint account, but – if he feels he has been “burned” by you dictating to him about how he could spend before, it is possible that separate accounts may be a good idea, until he is willing to feel safe with you again.

          I’m glad that you both want to pay off the debt. That is good. I’m glad he has been looking for a job.

          I vote for you to be as close to God as possible, to spend much time in prayer, maybe even fasting sometimes, seeking to trust and honor and obey God and seeking His will and His wisdom. He is the only one who can know what is best for you to do to pour healing into your marriage. He can empower you to show genuine respect and to know how to handle this time of trial. Let’s pray for God’s provision for the right job for your husband – and for God to work in your husband’s life to draw him to Himself and to give him God’s wisdom to lead and be a godly husband and steward.

          I think there may be times when it may be necessary to gently, humbly address the overspending. “Honey, I know you are going to get a job. I have every confidence in your ability to do that. And I know we are going to be fine. I would sleep so much better at night (or – it would mean a lot to me) if we didn’t add any more debt to what we already owe right now. Thanks so much for being on my team. I know we will conquer this thing together.” God is able to give you the exact words, the tone of voice He wants, and the timing – so go with whatever He prompts you to do!

          I suggest not going to your parents for advice – and not taking their advice to heart if they offer you advice about divorcing. You answer to God, not to your parents.

          Much love to you!

  28. April,

    My boyfriend is also Mr. Steady.

    I feel tired and struggling to adjust to him. Does that mean one type is better suited for another?Sometimes i feel “i chose” the wrong type.

    Is one type better than the other?

    I hope my question makes sense…

    1. heart,

      All personalities have strengths – and all have weaknesses. There will be a battle to learn to adjust to any guy. And, all are human, and all have sin – there will always be a temptation to think, “I married the wrong man,” but God is able to bring beauty out of marriage and to use our spouse’s weaknesses and personality to sanctify us and make us holy. Don’t try to change your guy. Be willing to accept him and allow God to change you! 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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