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Learning to Respect and Give up Control is a Process



Learning to Respect and Give up Control is a Process.


I am taking a bit of a blogging vacation while our children are on spring break this week. This post, by Nina Roesner (author of The Respect Dare) is one of the best I have come across about what to expect on this journey and the stages that wives usually go through. I hope you will check it out!

Y’all are welcome to comment and discuss!



Genesis 3 – the curse on woman, her desire will be to control her husband

God’s commands for wives – Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5

God’s commands for us to submit to Him fully – James 4, Romans 8, Romans 10:3


18 thoughts on “Learning to Respect and Give up Control is a Process

  1. I’m somewhere between phase 8 and 9 at the moment. Getting closer to 9 and moving along.
    I still have that little nag in the back of my head saying “you’re doing all the work and he’s still treating you like that” need to keep renewing my mind 🙂

  2. excellent post. its good to know that what i am experiencing on this journey is normal and part of the growing process 🙂

  3. Im just wowed at this process… It encourages me and makes me strong..

    Here’s a little update on whats happening in my life – And how God’s word spoke to me.

    Its been two months since my husband and me had time to look into each others face. He’s been busy with work and additional work added to that his piano grade classes plus his singing practices for the Passion concert where he was a soloist of the evening. Things have been very difficult, I was managing home, work, my baby and other important issues.. I was careful not to disrespect my husband with my words, however I did with my body language. And he was only repelling.. I experienced severe stage 6 – expectation crash… And added to all of this, I found my husband spending time with his colleague at office while he would not even answer my calls and tell me he’s very busy. I was shocked on Monday when I saw him calling her for breakfast, previously he would eat breakfast with me. It tore my heart, broke me completely. I was crying crazily…

    I asked him if he had a affair (which is again not right), and he kind of told me very rudely that he has not time to answer my silly questions and I should not be over possessive and should learn to trust him. His rude reply came crashing in – I was tempted to tell him I don’t need him anymore and I can manage my daughter as a single mom. I was tempted to argue… Last night I asked him what does he want from me – He simply avoided me giving the reason that baby was around.

    In the silence I was prompted to read – Guess what Yday was 14th April and I was prompted to read Proverbs 14 and verse 1 said – A wise woman builds her house, but a follish woman tears it down with her own hands.

    It was piercing me hard… I took this verse seriously and prayed.. I definitely know that my behavior has or probably led him to find people outside. So I just quietly without arguing went to bed.

    This morning, I was awake on my bed and a voice asking me to read Hebrews 12.. I was not sure what it was, I did get up and read. It was too much for me to take. The gist of the passage was – I need to look to Jesus to run the race before, and should not become weary, and may be my suffering is just disciplining from God and its because he loves me. VEry very hard message – I know it well but I need Gods strength to walk this road.

    To have no expectations, to put all my desires down and to walk this life is something that’s difficult for me to accept. But as I was cautioned yday I can be wise and build my family or foolish and destroy it… I certainly understand that God is sovereign yet the consequences will be determined by my choices.

    Keep me in your prayers…

    1. Vinodhini,

      You will certainly be in my prayers. . . and I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring. Proverbs 14: 1 is oh-so-true, yet oh-so-hard to practice sometimes. I pray that God will give you wisdom to say and do the right thing under these circumstances, and that your husband’s heart will be softened. It sounds as if he is in pain himself right now and probably very confused. I send you much love and a big hug! Don’t forget we are all here for you!

      1. Thank you Elizabeth:)

        Yeah I do have to agree that he’s in pain himself. And all the more, hes had a very tough childhood and he still handles tough parents. He hasn’t seen a family life all together which makes it more hard for me to expect anything from him.

        Guess as the post says, God has his his own time with him

        Love and hugs

  4. Vinodhini: you will be in my prayers. I am sorry for the pain your are feeling. Remember, Christ doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, with His grace and Spirit!

    This was an excelent post, and I seem to be all over the place on the phases but I’m encouraged as I recognize that I am progressing!

  5. Thank you so much for posting this! I am new to this. I’m going into my 2 month of this new way of life. I have been very discouraged & thought ny discouragement meant that something was wrong with me. I thought if this is what God’s design for a wife is it should be easy for me to do. Sometimes it hasn’t been difficult but at other times it has been very difficult. Finding your website last week has been a great encouragement to me as well as knowing I’m not the only wife who struggles with dying ro myself. Thank you so much.

    1. Firewife416,
      I’m about two months in also and am also discouraged. I’ve been reading this site the entire time though, and it sure does help with staying focused. It is definitely not easy. We’re learning a whole new way of living and its a process of constantly dying to self. Very hard!

    2. Welcome to this wonderful community Firewife416,

      Its definitely not easy to be on this road… and you have a whole lot of wives sharing their experiences and encouragement to make feel your not alone.

      Much Love

  6. This is a great post and something I needed today. I feel like I’ve really backtracked the last two days…this after I’d say we had one of our best days in the past two months (since I started this journey). I feel so discouraged for allowing my fear to take over again. But I’m going to keep moving forward.

  7. “Keep moving forward” is the only way to go. Thank you, Jeanne.

    Now that we know so much about how our aches are really for the Lord and that we can so easily sabatoge our lives…where else can we go? What else can we do? It reminds me of the time so many of the disciples left Jesus after He said His followers would have to eat his flesh and drink his blood. They couldn’t handle it. He turned to Peter and asked if he was leaving too and Peter responded, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” The ones remaining were the twelve. (See John 6: 53 – 68)

    Lord help me be among those who remain!!!!

    The greatest help to my many moments of discouragement has been reading the books on April’s list and working through the “Respect Dare” myself. While giving my husband a lot of space, this has distracted me long enough to see the bigger picture and how much I didn’t know about how to take care of men in general, and my man in particular, or build a godly home. There’s so much ground for me to make up for and this is with the help of this blog and all this online support and the books and meeting with other women of like mindset. My kids have been in school and my work hours drastically reduced this year. Most of my days have been studying to figure out how to save my family. I remember telling someone “nothing has changed” about 6 years ago after a year of counseling. And now? I AM CHANGING.

    Keep going, Vinn. I’m so sorry for your pain. Not all of your husband’s behavior is your fault, however. He is also seeing you through the eyes of his own pain and acting unloving. It’s what we sinful creatures do. With all the baggage that comes out of dysfunctional /difficult families, he would’ve needed much more support from you before you even detected that there might be a problem. And none of us comes with a manual! Sometimes I think of marriage as a heart hospital where I am both a patient and a nurse. And according to Nina’s timeline, I’ll be cycling through this rehab for at least a few more years.

    1. Refined,

      Thank you for the encouragement.. I love your analogy of marriage being an heart hospital where we are both the patient and the nurse:)

      Its gets tougher when you need to heal someones hurts when your hurt yourself…:(

      Much Love

        1. Nikkaaaaa,

          I’m trying to cope, this blog is actually helping me say on the path though many times I falter..

          My health is good, I’ve recovered from my fall…

          Lots of Love

  8. This website is very good. I have been quietly reading and practicing some however not matter what I do or don’t do, he criticizes me and I build more resentful toward him so my quiet phase seems to be more of a festering bitterness phase.

    He hurts me with words…and I don’t think it fair to just let him speak but me not be allowed so I say, “I don’t appreciate that” or “it really hurt me that you scolded me in front of the kids for not helping carry in groceries, I was freezing” or “I was grilling, putting away groceries, reading with the little one, and doing laundry when you came into the kitchen and told me that I cook dinner half a**ed…it hurts me”… We’ll all he ever says is, “everything hurts you and trust me, we all know about you and your feelings and you are lazy when you don’t help and only putting 10 wings on the grill was being half *ssed.” 🙁

    I wonder why I bothering be married. He appreciates nothing and when asks me what’s wrong, trust me, I rather say nothing because when I do open up and share its all out war and he verbally points out how wrong I am until I eventually apologize and take his side, begrudgingly tell him his is right and I am very wrong.”

    I just want to be married to someone that leaves me alone…I work, I clean, he beeps the car horn and I run out to get groceries, he manages money, and I just want to give up. We have been married for 3 years and have both grown a lot.

    But like, even when I share a story or get excited about something, he is so uninterested in me or my story that he changes the subject to what wants and/or is interested in and it’s hurtful but dare I tell him or he will somehow blame it on me BUT then the other night when I didn’t carry in groceries he said he wouldn’t have scolded me in front of the kids had I told him I was cold and needed to get a jacket…but it’s a cycle, I don’t tell him cause either way it’s my fault.

    I just give up on this. I do not give up on God but I give up on trying to please mug husband…nothing’s ever done good enough and I’m sick of being criticized.

    I just want God and to lay all of this at His feet and trust that He will help me.


    1. Unsure,
      I am so sorry things are so painful!

      It is ok to say something hurt you or “ouch!” You are not guaranteed he will apologize, of course.

      Have you read A Husband’s and a Wife’s Authority in Marriage at the top of my home page?

      How is your relationship with Christ going?
      How is his relationship with Christ?

      Have you ever tried a different method of responding to his unkind comments? Like humor?

      What happens if you don’t apologize?
      What was his parents’ marriage like?
      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What does he say he needs?
      What do you need?

      Much love to you! I am praying for you!!!!

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