Skip to main content

Lessons of a New Wife

 

image

Rhiannon is dear to me already! I met her here on my blog recently and I am SO EXCITED about what God is doing in her life, marriage and heart. How I WISH I had understood the things Rhiannon understands so early in our marriage. I believe her post will bless you whether you are a newlywed or you’ve got a few years of marriage under your belt. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us!

Peacefulwife blessed me with the opportunity to do a guest post for her. I only recently started www.revolutionarywives.com so I am a newbie to the blog world. It meant so much that April believed in me enough to let me write for her. My deepest thanks!

BEING A NEW WIFE

I want to talk about a few things which will be especially helpful or meaningful to new wives because I, myself, am a fairly new wife. In the past ten months of being married to my amazing husband I have learned so many things. It is through God’s grace I have been able to grow through these experiences. I have learned how to be a godly wife, how to respect my husband and how to appreciate the preparation I had before marriage.

TACKLING THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

I have heard for most of my life that the first year of marriage can be the hardest. I don’t agree with that for the most part because I believe the first year will be what you make it. Two helpful things I learned during the first months of marriage: Christ had to be the foundation of our marriage and I had to maintain a servant’s heart. I was not in this for myself; it was not about what I could get from my husband, but what I could give to him. Being a godly wife went so far beyond having a relationship with God while being married. Those two things cannot be compartmentalized they have to work together. My relationship with God impacted my relationship with my husband and vice versa. If I pushed God away, I started to treat my husband harshly and I had to realize early on that building my personal relationship with God was vital for my marriage. Once we get married being intimate with God cannot stop, it in fact needs to grow stronger. The closer we are to God the better we can love our husbands. In learning this I was able to take it one step further and fully learn what it meant to respect my husband.

Rhiannon and her husband on their wedding day in 2013
Rhiannon and her husband on their wedding day in 2013

FOCUSING ON BECOMING THE WOMAN GOD WANTS ME TO BE

My husband and I are not very aggressive people. He has a more passive personality and mine leans that way as well which makes our mannerisms with each other very nice and pleasant. Being nice to my husband is not respecting him though. I am being civil to him and loving him, but I can be nice and constantly undermine his authority or contradict what he says which is disrespecting him and negating his leadership. Nice is good, but respect is better. Luckily for me I got my hands on “90 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Engaged.” One thing it said that stuck with me was that whatever I saw in my parents that I did not like I needed to address in my life and start working on it. One thing I saw in my mom was a tendency to be aggressive and slightly demeaning. I did not want to carry that over so I began to actively work on changing the tone in my voice, thinking before I would speak, and if my husband brought up something I did not really agree with instead of making a matter of fact statement I would make a passive suggestion. This worked wonders. Instead of demanding my husband do it my way, I would listen to him and if I felt like his way needed work I would suggest an alternative idea. The power of suggestion is amazing. I realized I did not have to attack my husband to make my voice heard I just had to offer my opinion in a different manner and a nicer tone. This was the first step of many I made to prepare myself for being a Missus.

PREPARING FOR A GODLY MARRIAGE

One of the best ways I prepared for marriage was learning how to be the best me I could. I did not wait for my husband to complete me or validate me; I went to Christ to find those things. In the Word of God and my relationship with Jesus I found out who I was before I ever allowed my husband to become a part of me. I have had friends that watched their marriage fall apart because they went into it thinking he would fill the void in their life which was not true. God designed us so that the only way to completely fill that void is to allow Jesus to come in and fill us with all of Him. Once we are complete we can enter a marriage with a heart of giving instead of getting. My husband and I are always looking for ways to serve each other instead of draining each other. It is in this that we both find such fulfillment and joy. Another thing I did in preparation was read many books such as “Passion and Purity” by Elizabeth Elliot, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Josh Harris, “Sacred Femininity” and “Authentic Beauty” by Leslie Ludy. I highly suggest all of those and anything that helps to examine yourself so that you can go into your marriage ready to serve and not looking for him to fix you.

THE JOYS OF BEING A NEWLYWED

With all of the ups and the few downs my husband and I have been through over the past ten months I think the biggest thing that has surprised me is how much fun we can have together. How he can do some of the silliest things and it will just brighten my whole day or he will do some small thing such as making the bed and the heart behind that selfless act makes me so happy. Marriage can bring trying times, but if the two people that are going into it go in with eyes open and Christ at the center it can be such a wonderful experience. Having fun together, going on small, spontaneous dates and maintaining physical intimacy have definitely played a part in bringing my husband and I so much closer. Time is fleeting, but as someone told me once the days are long and the years are short so I try to embrace the time I am given with my husband to show him how much I love, respect and honor him. Here’s to many more years to grow with him and to grow in God.

image-2

 

SCRIPTURE RELATED TO TODAY’S POST:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. Proverbs 15:2

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done. Matthew 16

20 thoughts on “Lessons of a New Wife

  1. What a great story you have. I pray that you are able to share your story with those younger than you who will benefit from your encouragement and wisdom 🙂

  2. Rhiannon,

    How true that we should seek to “serve each other, not drain each other.” Holding unrealistic expectations of our mates will certainly result in both being drained. How much better to look to Christ for validation, complete love and acceptance, and all one’s security. Best wishes to you and your husband, and thanks for sharing your story!

  3. How wonderful that you are already eager to unload idols in your own heart, looking at family history to identify troubling spots and also forming the habit of gratitude. Beautiful testimony of how marriage can change us to make us more holy.

  4. Truly, an enjoyable read! Now is the time to strengthen and fortify your foundations, before the storms roll in…and they will roll in! I remember in the beginning of my walk with Abba (at age 40) how I thought nothing could ever shake my newfound faith! Ten years of reality have taught me that almost everything in this worldly system is designed to shake that faith. I’m so glad I decided back then what I would stand upon, the Solid Rock, my Messiah. That early decision and preparation has kept me standing in Him, even when I am shaken to my very core! Blessing to you as you begin your journey into the blogging world! People need to hear of our struggles and successes, our stories encourage and inspire others! ~Terrie C

  5. What a blessed marriage you & your husband are going to have. I wish I could have had your outlook when I was 1st married. Unfortunately I did not. Neither I or my husband were saved when we were married 10-7-00. God saved me 7-4-10 & I’m still not sure if my husband is saved. We have been separated for 17 months & I desperately want to save our marriage. I have been working with a pastor for several months trying to become “A Godly Woman of Worth” & I’m making progress but so far it has had little or any affect on my husband. My husband has filed a “complaint for divorce”. I extended my date to answer that complaint as long as I could & I have an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow to answer that complaint. In really scared! I trust God & I believe he will restore my marriage if it’s his will & if I become the “Godly Woman of Worth” he has called me to be. Please pray for my marriage to be restored & I will be praying for you to have the strength & courage to continue to honor God & your husband the way you are. I think it is awesome what you’re doing & I would give anything if I had started doing what I’m trying to do now in the beginning. Because of the example that was set by my mom & dad & because of my rebellion from the Lord I had no idea what God’s design for a wife was & I’m paying dearly for it now. You are so blessed to know & start your marriage being the wife God designed u to be. You are a blessing to your husband & will a huge blessing & a great role model for your children & many other woman. Your story has blessed me & I pray that God will restore what the locust took from my husband, myself & our 5 year old daughter. Thanks so much for your story.

    1. Prayers for you firewife46! Walk with God and He will carry you regardless of the outcome! The hardest (scariest) prayer I have ever prayed in my marriage was that I truly wanted God’s will to be done…I knew that God would take care of me. I know my sweet sister God will take care of you! You are a godly woman of worth! Prayers for tomorrow for God to guide your steps and uplift your heart!

    2. Firewife416, thank you for sharing this. I know that it cannot be easy. I am praying for you during this time that God would work out everything. Many blessings and love to you!

    3. I’m not sure if you are interested in a male perspective, but here it goes:

      If you love your husband, and have absolutely no choice but to divorce (ie: he is forcing it on you, and you literally have no way to avoid it), then plead with your husband to take the whole divorce process outside of the entire “Family Law”/”Family Court” system, and let him seek divorce/whatever else he wants through “Divorce Mediation” instead. You can tell him that you don’t want a divorce, but that you want to honor and please him.

      “Mediation,” (as long as it is not within the “Family Law”/”Family Court” system), I believe, removes the whole, lawyer, judge, courtroom, and legal fee influences from your divorce, and allows a mediator to facilitate a relatively simple, civil, and mutually agreeable divorce without allowing outside influences from hijacking your finances, child, and lives in the process. To my knowledge, this only involves the three of you (the mediator, your husband, and yourself) to sit in a conference room together to discuss agreeable terms, then signing to officiate the divorce agreement. No lawyer representation is needed to facilitate, drag out the process, and burden you with excessive fees.

      More importantly, the “Family Law”/”Family Court” system is grossly corrupt, and will heavily penalize your husband for being male – even if you plead for fairness, the system won’t allow it. And the father has very few rights in this process! His life, children, job, finances, and freedom are all used as weapons against him.

      The lawyers talk about “doing what is in the best interest of the children,” but then proceed to analyze the financial worth of all the family assets to decide how long they can delay the legal process to increase their legal fees, and then divide the children into arguable percentages based on financial and tax-based advantages and disadvantages that the parents use to draw temporary, renegotiable lines in the sand – the children become legal financial ponds/weapons for the husband and wife to use against their spouse, and in the end, the lawyers are the only ones who win.

      You will probably bless him more by showing him how to take your case outside the whole system to independent “Mediation” instead.

      If you want to save your marriage or have any chance of remarrying him in the future, you might be wise to agree with most or all of his demands, and even find ways to bless him even more than what he asks for if you are able. Let him win the divorce/mediation process if you want to have any hope of saving any potential for a relationship with him in the future. The more you fight and resist him, the less likely he will be to want to repair anything you two have left. You can tell him that you don’t want a divorce, but you do want to become the wife he needs you to be, and you don’t want to fight over all the money and possessions – he can have those things, but that the only thing you care about and want to hold onto is him (But only if you really mean it, and will do all that. Never ever complain if he divorces and gets a better deal than you. Look past all of that.). Just try to respect and honor him as much as possible to honor God.

      Personally, I think that 17 months after your separation sounds like a really long time for him to decide about the possibility of moving on with his life, and so you should be fasting and praying for God’s wisdom and intervention, and doing anything you can to prove to your husband that you’re a different woman now, without being negative or resisting him, but don’t expect your efforts to have an immediate effect on him.

      Only God can change his heart.

  6. I loved reading this! It is so nice to know others that are attempting to make a strong foundation, THE foundation for their marriage at the beginning. I have been married 4 months, and started on my journey of respect about 8 months ago. There is still so much to learn, and it’s a daily battle to not depend on my husband to fill that void in my life. I definitely needed the encouragement!

  7. I wish someone had pulled me aside before I got married and really hammered into me the importance of learning to be the best me I could be and being ok with who that person is without needing another person’s opinion affect me. Now 7 years into my marriage I have really found that I let my husband determine that value for me. Now as I struggle to rely on God for that filling of the void. I found myself battling with self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. I have to continually struggle and focus on God and God alone.

    1. praying for faith, I will be praying for you as you learn to look to God. It is a struggle so I pray God will give you great strength. You can do it! Prayer and Scripture are the best tools to go to so you can remind yourself daily of what God thinks of you and how He looks at you and blogs such as peacefulwife’s are a great encouragement. I’m so glad your here and thank you for sharing this with us. I’m praying for you.

  8. I know this isnt completely related but with christian dating, there are some major obstacles that I seem to hear little about in the christian community. Id love to hear some feedback!

    How do you and when do you talk about sex? And the withholding of it?

    If the man seems to be lacking in leadership skills, then what? I know a man needs to lead, especially in marriage, but should one who doesn’t automaticaly be put to the side?

    Should the man be taking initiative to tak about faith, prayer together, and do other typical christians acts right from the start?

    If they are divorced, which many are after a certain age, should they be rules out if no adultery was invovled?

    Honestly, its so hard to find a true christian from someone who simply attends church and for whatever reason, Ive noticed these things are often dismissed in church and yet are important.

    1. Kygirl,

      It is great to hear from you. 🙂 These are important questions. I’m so glad you are thinking about them.

      1. Some counselors have engaged couples wait until about a month before they marry to discuss sex. I don’t know that there is a specific time that has to be observed. There is no counsel on this issue in Scripture. If your fiancé has ZERO temptation with desiring sex with you – that is a red flag, too. So – something to keep in mind – that can signal there may be issues in the marriage later. You both should desire sex with each other and be excited about sharing sex together later when you are married. If both of you are virgins, which is the ideal, it may be difficult to predict how you will feel about having sex and what frequency you will both desire – and, honestly, your sex drive will change in various seasons of life. So – even if you agree to something before marriage “We’re going to try to have sex 4 times per week,” all kinds of things can happen after marriage to prevent that: illness, injury, opposite work schedules, one spouse having to be out of town a lot for work, pregnancy, sleep deprivation, impotence, sexual health problems, etc…

      But I think it is good to be able to talk about it after you are engaged to try to settle on an idea of what both of you expect. And I think it would be awesome to have a discussion about I Cor. 7:3-5 and how you are both willing to commit to seeking to be joyfully available to each other whenever possible and that you will not maliciously withhold sex just to create pain and increase temptation for each other.

      2. Sometimes we Christian women have very specific expectations about a “godly husband’s leadership” skills that can get us in a lot of trouble, quite honestly. Sometimes our expectations are things that are not even in Scripture. So let’s start with – what is your definition of godly leadership? And what are your expectations of a future husband in this area?

      3. It would be awesome if a man is taking initiative like that. However, not all men have personalities like that or that particular leadership style. So – again – this is about expectations. I invite you to read this post about prayer – it may surprise you (there is a part 2, as well).

      4. There are some cases where divorce was unbiblical and remarriage would be adultery. There are some cases where divorce may be permissible biblically and it is possible that remarriage may not be adultery. However, there are a lot more difficulties in a remarriage many times because there are often so many scars. So – before marrying a guy who was divorced, it is important to examine if you truly believe that God sees that divorce as biblical and remarriage as an option. Here is a post that may be helpful and it has some links to other posts that may be helpful for a Christian single woman who is seeking to have a godly marriage.

      I completely agree, these things are very important! So glad you are asking these questions.

      Much love to you! 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: